Ask Moxie

Q&A: hitting

Shannon writes:

"I have a 22 month old son (Henry) and a 7 week old son (Myles). Henry is a sweet, loving boy who loves to cuddle and hug. He has such a huge heart, but he also hits constantly. It started about 8 months ago, and he was hitting me and his Daddy, it has slowly progressed to him hitting everyone. Sometimes its when he doesn't get his way, other times (mostly with other children) just when he feels like it. He is excited all day to see his cousin, and then when we get together, he just walks around beating on her, and then watching her cry. Sometimes he's hitting me over and over again when he is mad, and I feel like he can't even control it. When Myles was born, Henry seemed to adjust wonderfully. Lots of kisses and he always wants to hug his little brother. But he can be so aggressive and I really have to watch that he doesn't smother Myles, but as soon as I restrict him in any way, he immediately starts hitting Myles. Or sometimes he'll just scratch his face for no reason.
I feel completely lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have tried everything. Stern talking to, time outs, time ins, yelling. Unfortunately, I have also been aggressive back with him, out of pure frustration. I am brought to tears almost daily, because he has made Myles bleed or tormented another child. Sometimes I loose sight of the fact that he is my baby, that I gave birth to him and he is an innocent child. I just get so upset and protective of his younger brother.
I feel like speaking with him gently and explaining that he loves Myles and that he doesn't want to hurt him works to a certain extent. It prevents further hitting for the time being, but it hasn't been a cure all, and to be honest, it is so hard to be patient and soft after this long.

What do I do? Where do I go from here? Nothing has worked, and everyones advice that he'll grow out of it seems to be totally inaccurate since we are coming up to almost a year of it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated."

Henry sounds a lot like my second son. He has extremely intense emotions, and is the most loving child I've ever met. But his emotions are so intense that he has a truly hard time dealing with them, and that results in a lot of hitting (and sometimes biting) and now threatening with words. It's been going on since he was a toddler, and it seems to me as if his aggression just flares up when he feels misunderstood or thwarted and he doesn't know how to make himself feel better about a situation.

The only thing that seems to help is to talk out his feelings with him, to allow him to be angry but to express it verbally instead of physically. When he was littler and not verbal what helped was saying what I guessed he was feeling, about being angry or frustrated. He could nod his head when I hit the right emotions. Now I can say, "How does that make you feel?"

I've also started noticing that when I do a more general debriefing of the day at night and in the morning of what happened that day or the day before and how he felt about it, he seems to do less aggressive acting out. It's almost as if he knows he's being understood and will have his chance to state his emotional case, so he can control the lashing out a little more.

Have you ever felt like the world was on your last nerve? That must be what it's like to be a really intensely emotional child. Anything is going to set you off, and you won't have the emotional space to pull back. So I think trying to make your child feel understood, and taking the focus off the kids he hits and more onto his own emotions just might help. But it seems like a more constant process (of daily check-ins) than just stopping it at the time.

I'm going to try it out even more over the next few weeks, and if any of you with intense kids who are physically acting out would volunteer to try it out, too, we could see if it's a plan that helps. Because that feeling of not knowing how to stop your child (who you KNOW is loving) from hurting other kids is horrible.

Any comments?

Q&A: early walker scares mother

I'd like to thank all the teachers out there who did projects with their classes for Mothers' Day. Single moms with kids too young to come up with and make or buy their own projects don't get anything else for Mothers' Day. So thank you.

Lydia writes:

"Gah! My 8-month-old is starting to walk. She's a total daredevil, and has no control or judgement. I'm terrified that she's going to fall and get a serious head injury, and am seriously considering buying her a helmet. But then I think that's insane. I need some perspective. Help!"

Let me begin with one of my mom's favorite aphorisms:

"God couldn't make them so fast and us so slow if he didn't also make their heads so hard."

Assuming that you've babyproofed all the truly dangerous things, and that you don't let her walk around in dangerous terrain outside, she's going to find her own level. Which isn't to say that she won't fall. But if she's being monitored appropriately (which doesn't mean you have to hover--just pay attention) she won't get hurt more than her size can take. So she'll get bumps and bruises and scrapes and cuts, but nothing that would require protection from a helmet.

If you think about it, letting her find her own balance and what she can and can't do now, instead of when she's really big and can get into lots of trouble, is going to mean fewer injuries later. Plus, it'll give her confidence in what her body can do, and let her know that you trust her to be able to do what she sets out to do. So letting her learn and walk the way she needs to (helmet-free) is a gift you can give her that'll set her up for confidence and physical accomplishment for the rest of her life.

Did anyone else have an early walker? How did you deal with the lack of judgment at that age? How long until your child was smooth and graceful?

Q&A: 20-month-old scratcher

Kathy writes:

"I'm sorry about the long email but my husband and I are losing our patience fast. It all began with a recently trip to Jamaica. On our way there, our 20 month old son refused to nap. By the end of our trip, he was screaming, squirming and scratching at our faces. He's never been a scratcher but we just thought he was deliriously tired and acting out. While we were in Jamaica, he scratched our faces a handful of times but again it was only when he was tired. Our trip back was an absolute nightmare. My husband and I look like we got into a fight with a rabid tiger and lost. Since we've been back 3 days ago, the scratching has gotten out of control.

We've tried the serious voice and stern "No scratching. It hurts mommy/daddy." He will either not care or claw at us again. We moved to the "Ouch. That hurts" with a fake cry. His response is to scream at the top of his lungs... not the I'm sorry scream but the don't piss me off scream. We even tried the time out thing today but he was perfectly content to just sit there. We try to intercept his hand before it gets to our face but he's like a ninja. We rarely see it coming.

The scratching is sort of random. Sometimes he's tired or angry but other times we're having fun together and he'll reach out and take a piece of my face off. Everything that I've read says to be firm, consistent and wait it out but I'm not sure if we can wait weeks or even months. We won't have any skin left on our faces.

Any other tactics or advice? "

First off, I'd cut his nails and then file them down as far as you can without hurting him, just to reduce the efficacy of his weapons!

I have to say that it doesn't surprise me at all that your son is 20 months and is doing this. Remember how we've talked about the whole 18-month evil phase? The kids just get so frustrated and have no autonomy so they basically just lash out. And then something seems to ease around 21 months--they get more words, they seem to have more physical fluidity, and they just seem to be more in command and less stressed all the time.

What that means is that 20 months is the end of the build-up of frustration. I get dozens of questions from people about why their 20-month-olds won't eat, and that's all about controlling the one thing they can control. I think this scratching is the same thing--he can't control things and has so much anger and frustration inside of him. It's probably exacerbated by being back from vacation and feeling tired and off-kilter, and missing all the piña coladas and warmth of Jamaica.

I don't think you're going to be able to magically stop it, but I do think you might be able to ease it until he gets older and more able to deal with his conflicting emotions and urges. I think helping him express his feelings and wants might give him a little more space. So definitely start signing, if you haven't been doing any already. (And if you've been doing it but have tapered off, ramp up again.) People loooove the Signing Time DVDs, and you can also use the Michigan State ASL browser online (you need QuickTime on your computer to use it, but you can download it free if you don't already have it).

The other thing you could do is to verbalize his feelings for him. If you can tell he's getting frustrated with something, you can say "You're frustrated. That's making you feel angry and like you want to scratch something!" and then give him a chance to confirm. It's got to be so horrible at this age to have so many complex feelings and not be able to express them so adults can understand! If a grown-up gets what you're feeling and can tell you they understand, that makes things better, even just a little. Everyone just wants to be understood, no matter how old or young we are.

The part about it coming out of the blue is, I think, also just human nature. Think about times when you're carrying around something that's been bugging you, and sometimes you can only be angry about it or mention it when things are back to being calm or happy. And the person who has to hear your anger is blindsided by it. Same thing here, only with physical pain.

Aside from this, I think it's going to help you if you can think of it in terms not of your son acting naughty or trying to hurt you on purpose, but as a problem you need to solve together. Clearly he's feeling awful and angry and frustrated and is just lashing out because he's got nothing else. So whatever you can do to help him reconnect and feel like he's got some power over himself is going to help, and shutting him off (with time-outs or other "discipline" stuff that's really just punishment) is going to make things worse. But you knew that--I just thought it was worth reminding all of us of it again. (And again, and again. Parenting is hard, y'all.)

What else do you guys have for Kathy? Stories? I'm hanging on here by a thread with a chest cough and aching head, so I'm praying my younger one will take a nap (he's in the middle of dropping it) so I can, too.

Food safety

So I don't know what to make of the tainted formula. Aside from the fact that it makes me really, really !@#$%ing angry. As angry as I was back a few years ago when they discovered that most women had enough jet fuel in our systems that our breastmilk had trace amounts of jet fuel in it. (I can't find a decent link for that old story. If anyone has one handy, please link it in the comments.)

What I do know is that if anyone uses this melamine thing as an excuse to make anyone feel bad about feeding their baby formula, that's going to break my heart in addition to pissing me off. The bottom line is that we should be able to feed our children foods that are safe. And we can't. Not if we nurse, not if we feed formula. And we can't trust the government to keep us safe, either. (Sorry, FDA, but if you can't figure out a "safe level" of melamine for infant formula, then don't patronize us by telling us it's probably OK.)

It would be one thing if we had control over it, and were just mindlessly pumping our kids full of Diet Coke. But when even breastmilk isn't completely uncontaminated, what can we do?

Add to the list the lack of safety of fish, factory farmed-meats and poultry, dairy contamination, genetically-modified vegetables and grains (nightmares for people with allergies) and it's a big unsafe soup.

Are you guys feeling as mistrustful and defeated as I am? It's starting to feel like a diet of non-stop Lunchables is just a different kind of unsafe from whole foods, since we can't guarantee the safety of the whole foods.

Tell me what you're thinking.

Q&A: Keeping kids safe on social networking sites

I am not even going to pretend to know the answer to this question, but I thought I'd bring it up and see if we could come up with anything. It's actually a bunch of questions I've gotten from readers with children of different ages, but it all seems to be part of the same issue of keeping our kids safe on the internet.

I got a couple of questions about sites like Club Penguin, in which the kids create characters and their characters can interact with characters created by other players. My 6 1/2-year-old plays CP, and I have to say that it looks safe to me. The things the characters can say to each other are pretty locked down, and you can report other players for saying things they shouldn't.

Again, the real key seems to be keeping the computer in a common area so you can monitor what your kid is doing, and so your child knows you know what's going on. Talking a lot about what's OK and what's not helps, too. My son has clicked off games he's run into a few times because they had shooting or other things we've talked about not being appropriate for him.

The tougher questions I got were from moms of kids old enough to be on Myspace and Facebook. I'm not on Myspace, so I don't know all the intricacies, but it looks like it's easier to run into trouble there, but also easier for parents to monitor. Your page is just kind of out in the open so anyone can stumble on it and talk to you, but at the same time this means all your business is posted right there for your parents to see.

Facebook is trickier. In some ways it's way safer, because your profile is locked down (assuming you set your privacy settings!) so only people you add to your friends list can see anything about you. But there are also ways to communicate privately with other members on your friends list, so that there's no external evidence of that. One mom who wrote me said that she joined FB to monitor her child on it, and her child knows that and they're FB friends, and she regularly monitors her child's wall. I think that's excellent communication, BUT 1) her child could have her on "limited profile" so she doesn't see everything the child has posted, and 2) no one sees the private messages people send each other. (And, thinking about some private message conversations I've been party to,  well, yeah. There's all sorts of stuff you can't see by looking at people's walls.) So there's no way to know how much she's really seeing of what her daughter does on Facebook. As long as she understands that, it OK.

My 15-year-old cousin is on FB and I know I pop over there every other day just to make sure nothing untoward is happening on her wall (her parents aren't on FB so I feel like I need to watch out for her), but I also know there''s all kinds of stuff I can't see.

I think the trick, though, is that your kids know that you care. And that, yes, they can sneak around you and do stuff they're not supposed to (like we all did), but that you are there trying to keep them safe. The same mom who joined FB also has an agreement with her daughter, so her daughter has written down her usernames and passwords in a sealed envelope just in case her parents need them. That, I think, is an awesome level of trust, on both sides--that the child deserves privacy but her parents need to be able to protect her.

What do you guys think? I'd especially love to hear from parents with kids on social networking sites who are willing to talk about the process you went through with your kids to establish guidelines that respect kids' privacy but also adults' responsibility.

Special needs of all sorts and the school year

I had a great time at the Phila area meetup yesterday. What an interesting, thoughtful, funny, snarky bunch of people.

One theme that came up a lot was that parents seem to be dealing with all kinds of issues with their kids and a variety of special needs, and things seem to be extra amped up now that school's in session.

Food allergies. ADHD. IEPs. Therapy. Learning disabilities. Movement issues. Autism/Asperger's. All kinds of stuff. I just think about these parents standing at the bottom of the cliff, looking up, knowing they're going to have to do such an incredible haul to get up to the top to make sure their kids are OK. It's exhausting just thinking about it.

And if you're thinking, "This doesn't affect me," well, it might, and you just aren't aware of it. I found out last week that the "nut-free and dairy-free classroom" notice for my son's class didn't just mean that one of the kids, A., wasn't allowed to ingest dairy. It means that if A. touches dairy or touches a kid who's touched dairy and hasn't washed hands in between, he puffs up like a big red itchy wheezing balloon. It would have been nice to know how serious it was, so that I'd avoid all dairy things in my son's lunch. I'd been putting cheese inside his sandwich on the logic that my son knew not to give bites to other kids in the lunchroom (bonus of my short-lived gluten intolerance--my son accepts food issues). But once I told my son about the other kid's allergy *he* said, "Oh, so I shouldn't bring cheese in my sandwich anymore in case I accidentally touch A. after I eat it!" Woulda been nice to know--for us *and* for A. and his mom--three weeks ago...

So, anyway, until I get the message boards up and running, could those of you who've been there (enu, hedra, etc.) provide some emotional support for the parents who are in the middle of a long process of advocating for their kids? Also, is there anywhere online a printable list of commercial snacks that comply to food allergy specifications? (Like a list of snacks that are GF, one that's dairy-free, one that's soy-free, etc.)

Q&A: Drunk Daddy

This is the post that's been stopping me from posting this week. I couldn't get past it, but still don't know exactly what to say.

Amy writes:

"I have been searching your site and could not find advice or feedback on how to deal with Alcoholism in the home. My spouse is an alcoholic. I, as a first time mom, am finding the stress of juggling the sucking vortex of sleep disturbances/teething while watching the clock from 4:30 till 5:00pm(is he coming home from work or is he stopping for a "quickie" at the usual watering hole?) with the vigilance of a death row inmate wating for a stay/phone call from the governor before the lethal injection to be altogether too much for me. I am attending a weekly Al-anon meeting, and thank God I can bring the baby along. I stay at home and have been unable to get a sitter, let alone pay for one. We are living on one income and it is just not making it.  Also, I have a weekly family therapy session, and I have been taking the baby there too. It's a blessing that our insurance for mental heath care does not require a co-pay! And I can go up to 52 sessions a year! Whoo-hoo, cause I need 'em, I really do. Not only is motherhood kicking my ass, but feeling something like a single parent was something I hadn't bargained for.

    I say SOMETHING LIKE, because I am not faced with leaving my baby with a childcare provider or family member while going to work/school. Ugh. Hats off to you ladies and gents who are doing this alone! My mom did it with five kids and when I ask her for advice, she simply states, "honey, I can't even remember the Vietnam War. How am I supposed to remember how I fed/dressed/diapered 5 kids on a police cadet's salary in the sixities?

    So what to do, what to do. I feel like I cannot leave the baby in his care and get out of the house alone for a spell, which I need to do DESPARATELY-even if it is running errands on the Mommy Clock. That's if he even makes it home at a reasonable hour. By reasonable, I mean 7:30pm, for the whole bedtime routine. If he does make it home, he usually is pretty buzzed or completely innebriated, so much so that I cringe when he picks up the baby and walks around the house with him. Not like he's ever dropped him, but it still makes me nervous. So husband might spend 1/2 hour with baby a day, sometimes, and then he generally passes out in front of the TV. Husbands says he fell asleep, but I know better. Anyway, he's gonna do what he's gonna do, while I am concentrating on everything else that needs to be done, with safety first on my mind.

    I sent a few questions your way this week regarding sleep and routine, etc., etc., and I feel my husband's behavior (not spending time with our child, walking funny, talking funny when he is home) is contributing to Grumpy's overall development, bar none the loosey-gooseyness of our ever deteriorating schedule.

I am trying to get husband involved, with bath time and feeding (we are in our first week of cereal 2x a day) but he can't be here at any given time after work hours.

Should I give up, or will pressing the importance of the routine issue become a routine in itself? He won't change diapers sober, but he dotes on the baby after a few beers, let me tell you. Help! I feel like I am searching for the tv remote in the bedcovers at night without waking the baby in bed with me, and all I have to search with is a single foot and a dim light at the end of the hall.

    How can a girl find a free sitter? What are sitters charging nowadays? Who can you trust? My son, 6 months old, is going through that clingy,teething,no-sleep stage; so in a way, I feel the idea of handing him over to someone else is an impossible dream, and therefore a moot point.What options do I have? My sanity is involved here. I am nursing him round the clock, and daddy won't give a the baby a bottle, unless he's been drinking, and even that takes timing. Shit. This truely sucks.  

    If you choose to consider posting this, please, you have my thanks. However, once I send this email, I will delete it from my sent messages. I just don't want any more confrontation from husband. It's hard enough getting to a weekly meeting; he's so defensive and in denial."

Oh, girl. I'm just so sorry. This email is sucking the fight out of me just reading it, so I can't imagine how it must be to be living it.

First, get a free web-based email address from gmail.com or yahoo.com or hotmail.com that's just yours. Don't let him know  you have it, and clear the browsing history of your browser before he comes home. Then email me back.

Now, here's what I want you to know, even if you can't do anything about it right now: This is not your fault, and you are built for something better than living in fear of someone in the throes of a disease he can't control and is denying. You are meant for something more, Something far better, and something that makes use of who you are and what you can be. And your son deserves far better than he's getting right now, too. You're going to have to leave. Even if you can't do it now, you know it. When you're ready to, you will. Thousands of women have done it and are doing it, so you can, too. And we'll be right here to help you.

And it's not safe for him to be in charge of your baby. When he's sober he might be a wonderful guy. But alcoholism changes people and makes them behave in ways that are not rational. Until he gets into recovery, you cannot trust him with your son. And there is nothing you can do to get him out of denial and into recovery. Your job is to protect your son and yourself. You are the family unit at this point, because your husband is allowing himself to be absent and dangerous. Asking for or trying to get help and responsibility from him is simply not an option, because he's deep into this illness and just can't be trusted.

It sounds like what you need right now is a friend with a child who can trade some babysitting with you. You can leave your child with her for a few hours and then she can leave her child with you for a few hours. (But please please don't take her child while your husband is home--his active alcoholism makes it an unsafe situation.)

I don't have personal experience with Al-Anon or AA, but from my outsider's perspective I wonder if you could approach anyone in your group to ask for some help. It sounds like the alcoholism is making *you* feel ashamed and is limiting your social contacts, and that's tragic. You need all the support you can get right now. Can someone who's been (or is in) either Al-Anon or AA comment about whether she could approach other people in the group, or if that's not something that's done? It just seems to me like those are people with whom Amy wouldn't have to pretend that everything is OK.

This post is dedicated to the memory of D.E., who died yesterday at the age of 37 from complications of alcoholism.

Does anyone have any words of support or advice for Amy? Any women who've gotten out of alcoholic situations? Any people who grew up in alcoholic homes? Any women who are crying reading this like I'm crying typing it?

Super-important US bill about online child predators

Susan tipped me off about this. (Click on her name to read her post and be horrified):

The Combating Child Exploitation Act, which was introduced by Senator Joseph Biden, creates and implements a National Strategy for Child Exploitation Prevention and Interdiction. It designates a senior Department of Justice official to oversee the national strategy, including long-term goals, budget priorities, and program reviews to reduce the current backlog of forensic analysis for child exploitation cases.  This national strategy includes provisions to:

* establish an Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) Task Force Program consisting of state and local law enforcement officials to address the online enticement of children, child exploitation, and child obscenity and pornography;
* increase the investigative capabilities of law enforcement officers;
* provide training and technical assistance to ICAC task forces;
* increase the number of Internet crimes investigated and prosecuted;
* award grants to state and local ICAC task forces;
* and authorize funding for computer forensic capability, forensic labs, federal-state task forces, and the hiring of additional FBI agents to work solely on child exploitation cases.

Importantly, the bill expands federal authority to prosecute crimes involving child exploitation, buying or selling of children, and production or distribution of material involving the sexual exploitation of minors.

I know I live in a little protected bubble about what's going on out there, what some sick people do or try to do to kids, and who's being hurt. I never realized all the awfulness that was out there, or that there's currently no united effort to go after it.

Oprah has the information on action steps (contact your senators, of course, and tell them to "Vote yes on Senate Bill 1738—The PROTECT Our Children Act.") here.

Q&A: More effects of this !@#$%^ war

Michelle writes:

"I'm freaking out a bit and I'm hoping you and the Internets might be able to help calm me down.  In the way of background, our 10 month old son is at an in-home daycare 4 days a week, and has been there since he was 3 months old.  The daycare was recommended to us by some friends who have a 5 year old and a 2 year old.  We have been thrilled with our provider, "Jenny," and she absolutely adores our son.

Jenny's husband returned from a year-long overseas deployment 2 months ago and Jenny has mentioned to me that they've been having trouble adjusting to having him home again.  Then, a couple of days ago, he just left, and Jenny hasn't heard from him since, short of a text message saying he was meeting with a counselor.  I found this out yesterday when I went to pick up my son.  He was in a swing-set baby swing, by himself, and Jenny was on the complete other side of the yard.  He was just hanging out, staring down at the ground.  He wasn't upset, but he was definitely all alone. When I saw him, I was really surprised and upset…  Jenny is usually right there with him.  I ran and grabbed him, and when I turned around to see why Jenny wasn't there, she was sitting in a chair staring off into space.  I asked her if she was okay and that's when she told me what happened with her husband.

I understand why she's distracted, but I worry that with her mind elsewhere she'll be unable to properly care for the kids.  I spoke with the friend of mine I mentioned above, and neither of her kids have said anything about things being "weird" at Jenny's, which makes me feel a bit better.  I also worry, though this is probably my new-mom paranoia coming out, that her husband is going to become violent and come to the house while the kids are there.  It sounds like the person who held his post prior to him arriving committed suicide, and that many of his superiors needed to be replaced because of the stress.

So, what I need, I guess, is some reassurance….  How have other people dealt with it when their daycare provider is having bad personal problems?  And I suspect I'm overreacting when I worry about her husband hurting the kids or hurting her in front of the kids, but I would love for someone to tell me to chill out about it…"

I am so, so, so sorry for Jenny and her husband that this is happening. They are not alone. I've been reading all kinds of articles about how returning military people are having major problems reintegrating into their families and lives when they come back from being deployed. The system is starting to get overwhelmed, and returning military people are slipping through the cracks and families are being destabilized.

It sounds like Jenny has no idea what to do about this. We have no idea if the husband is going to become violent. I wouldn't rule it out, but I also wouldn't say it'll definitely happen. The sooner they can get help, the better off everyone will be, and the more stable the situation will become.

I think the best resolution to the problem would be for you and the other parents to start poking at the system in your area to see what support services there are for returning soldiers and their families. I'd start looking around for EMDR therapists.(EMDR is the process that's showing the best results in treating PTSD effectively and rapidly.) And I'd call the VA and see if there are support groups for families. It's good that he's seeing a counselor. Very good, and seriously lessens the likelihood that he'll be violent. But we have to hope that the counselor knows what to do with PTSD cases.

Does anyone out there have experience with getting help from the system for a returning soldier and family? Jenny and her husband aren't the only ones that are dealing with this. And not everyone has a Michelle who's worried about it.

Bring our troops home NOW.

Q&A: grandfather surfing naughty sites

Rebecca writes:

"Frankly, I can't believe I'm asking this question, for so many reasons. One is that I have a vague feeling that I'm being naive. Second, it's embarrassing to ask about porn. But here goes.

I just discovered that my father in law spends a great deal of his time on the internet watching porn videos, photos, etc. I discovered this because we were staying with them for almost a week and were allowed liberal use of their computer. I am an email and Google junkie so I spent time checking messages and Googling things like where I could find an urgent care center in Albuquerque for my 4-month old with an ear infection. Anyhoodle, my FIL's version of Firefox shows you the most frequent Google searches when you begin to type in the URL bar. And that's how I found that the most frequent search is a porn site. This lead me to a slightly unethical search of his internet history. And *that* lead me to promise myself never to look at his history again, a) because it's so clearly none of my business, and b) I don't want to know any more than I know now, considering I want to continue the lovely relationship we currently have.

My question is this: is there any reason to be concerned for my daughter's safety? My gut tells me that I don't have anything to worry about. But my gut also tells me, as I'm the child of a rape victim, that you really and truly never know. The statistics are there to prove it.

My daughter spends maybe one weekend every month or two with her grandparents, largely with us around as well. But my husband and I do occasionally go out to dinner while we're visiting them (in NM, we live in TX) and leave the baby with her grandfather and grandmother.

The porn habit seems to be a daily event, from what I can glean from the history. It seems that he checks his email and watches some porn. My feeling is that sexual desires, even the raunchy ones, are perfectly, beautifully normal. Meeting your needs is also perfectly normal. But something about daily dates with porn on the internet plus caring for my baby makes me squeamish."

Boy are there a whole lotta issues in this question! Let's start with the issues directly involving your daughter. I am NOT NOT NOT an expert on sex or sexuality or porn or sexual abuse. But it's my understanding that sexual proclivities don't cross. So a man who's looking at porn of adult women is not interested in little kids. I'd hazard a guess that the majority of men who would definitely cross the street to check out Playboy would be absolutely repulsed by the idea of a little kid in a sexual way. So, in your situation, I don't think I'd be concerned about your FIL hurting your daughter directly.

However, that doesn't mean that she couldn't be hurt by accidentally being exposed to porn. Showing kids pornographic and sexual material while they're still children is a form of sexual abuse.(and it can be testing/prepping behavior if the person is intending to molest the child.)  Even if your FIL would never ever intend it, the fact that you could get to it so easily when you weren't trying means that any kid using his computer could get their easily, too, without trying. Your daughter's going to be at the age pretty soon when she's going to want to do Neopets or that penguin game or whatever, and she'll want to do it while she's visiting them, and probably show it off to her grandparents. Two misplaced clicks and she's seeing something she really shouldn't be seeing.

Here's the part of the post when I'm supposed to talk about whether porn is good or bad or whatever. Personally, I think it's damaging to the people who make it more than to many of the people who use it. But I know people on both sides of the issue who work(ed) in the porn/sex industry. Some say it's degrading and coercive; others say it's empowering and liberating. I think for users it can be harmless in some situations, but extremely damaging in others. Using porn if your partner doesn't know is, to me, a problem. And avoiding your partner in order to use porn is a very very serious problem.

The other aspect to worry about is addiction. If he's doing it every day, then he could be addicted. If he's choosing porn over other activities, that's definitely addiction. As with other addictions, it could cause him to act irrationally, but the bigger issue is the isolation there's going to be between him and the people he's distancing from (by using the porn) and hiding it from.

I'm wondering if there's a problem in your in-laws' marriage. If it's something physical, maybe they've chosen porn for your FIL as a way to live with it as well as they can. If they haven't chose the porn together, though, this could be something that's going to come out and be a problem. And you may end up having to deal with some fallout.

So, to recap this super-long post: The porn could be a problem either for your FIL alone, or for your FIL and for his marriage. So just be prepared that it could blow up and involve the whole family. Or perhaps it's just a pragmatic way of dealing with some physical side effects of getting older.

Your immediate concern should be making sure that your daughter doesn't see the porn. The most direct way to do this is to make sure your FIL keeps it where she can't see it. You shouldn't have to have this conversation with him (I cannot think of a conversation that could possibly be more awkward between FIL and DIL!). Instead, get your husband to mention it. He can use the computer and pretend that he came upon the sites, and say something like, "Dude, can you hide your porn? What if my daughter sees it??" and it'll be one of those nudge-nudge Guy Things. And if your FIL is a decent guy he'll rush to shield your daughter from anything too old for her, and problem solved.

Keep your eyes and ears open, and trust your instincts. It wouldn't hurt to reread Protecting the Gift. And good for you for poking around to protect your baby.

Anyone think I'm totally off the mark? Other opinions? Experiences? Anyone worked in the sex industry who wants to comment? Agreement?