Ask Moxie

Q&A: Keeping kids safe on social networking sites

I am not even going to pretend to know the answer to this question, but I thought I'd bring it up and see if we could come up with anything. It's actually a bunch of questions I've gotten from readers with children of different ages, but it all seems to be part of the same issue of keeping our kids safe on the internet.

I got a couple of questions about sites like Club Penguin, in which the kids create characters and their characters can interact with characters created by other players. My 6 1/2-year-old plays CP, and I have to say that it looks safe to me. The things the characters can say to each other are pretty locked down, and you can report other players for saying things they shouldn't.

Again, the real key seems to be keeping the computer in a common area so you can monitor what your kid is doing, and so your child knows you know what's going on. Talking a lot about what's OK and what's not helps, too. My son has clicked off games he's run into a few times because they had shooting or other things we've talked about not being appropriate for him.

The tougher questions I got were from moms of kids old enough to be on Myspace and Facebook. I'm not on Myspace, so I don't know all the intricacies, but it looks like it's easier to run into trouble there, but also easier for parents to monitor. Your page is just kind of out in the open so anyone can stumble on it and talk to you, but at the same time this means all your business is posted right there for your parents to see.

Facebook is trickier. In some ways it's way safer, because your profile is locked down (assuming you set your privacy settings!) so only people you add to your friends list can see anything about you. But there are also ways to communicate privately with other members on your friends list, so that there's no external evidence of that. One mom who wrote me said that she joined FB to monitor her child on it, and her child knows that and they're FB friends, and she regularly monitors her child's wall. I think that's excellent communication, BUT 1) her child could have her on "limited profile" so she doesn't see everything the child has posted, and 2) no one sees the private messages people send each other. (And, thinking about some private message conversations I've been party to,  well, yeah. There's all sorts of stuff you can't see by looking at people's walls.) So there's no way to know how much she's really seeing of what her daughter does on Facebook. As long as she understands that, it OK.

My 15-year-old cousin is on FB and I know I pop over there every other day just to make sure nothing untoward is happening on her wall (her parents aren't on FB so I feel like I need to watch out for her), but I also know there''s all kinds of stuff I can't see.

I think the trick, though, is that your kids know that you care. And that, yes, they can sneak around you and do stuff they're not supposed to (like we all did), but that you are there trying to keep them safe. The same mom who joined FB also has an agreement with her daughter, so her daughter has written down her usernames and passwords in a sealed envelope just in case her parents need them. That, I think, is an awesome level of trust, on both sides--that the child deserves privacy but her parents need to be able to protect her.

What do you guys think? I'd especially love to hear from parents with kids on social networking sites who are willing to talk about the process you went through with your kids to establish guidelines that respect kids' privacy but also adults' responsibility.

Special needs of all sorts and the school year

I had a great time at the Phila area meetup yesterday. What an interesting, thoughtful, funny, snarky bunch of people.

One theme that came up a lot was that parents seem to be dealing with all kinds of issues with their kids and a variety of special needs, and things seem to be extra amped up now that school's in session.

Food allergies. ADHD. IEPs. Therapy. Learning disabilities. Movement issues. Autism/Asperger's. All kinds of stuff. I just think about these parents standing at the bottom of the cliff, looking up, knowing they're going to have to do such an incredible haul to get up to the top to make sure their kids are OK. It's exhausting just thinking about it.

And if you're thinking, "This doesn't affect me," well, it might, and you just aren't aware of it. I found out last week that the "nut-free and dairy-free classroom" notice for my son's class didn't just mean that one of the kids, A., wasn't allowed to ingest dairy. It means that if A. touches dairy or touches a kid who's touched dairy and hasn't washed hands in between, he puffs up like a big red itchy wheezing balloon. It would have been nice to know how serious it was, so that I'd avoid all dairy things in my son's lunch. I'd been putting cheese inside his sandwich on the logic that my son knew not to give bites to other kids in the lunchroom (bonus of my short-lived gluten intolerance--my son accepts food issues). But once I told my son about the other kid's allergy *he* said, "Oh, so I shouldn't bring cheese in my sandwich anymore in case I accidentally touch A. after I eat it!" Woulda been nice to know--for us *and* for A. and his mom--three weeks ago...

So, anyway, until I get the message boards up and running, could those of you who've been there (enu, hedra, etc.) provide some emotional support for the parents who are in the middle of a long process of advocating for their kids? Also, is there anywhere online a printable list of commercial snacks that comply to food allergy specifications? (Like a list of snacks that are GF, one that's dairy-free, one that's soy-free, etc.)

Q&A: Drunk Daddy

This is the post that's been stopping me from posting this week. I couldn't get past it, but still don't know exactly what to say.

Amy writes:

"I have been searching your site and could not find advice or feedback on how to deal with Alcoholism in the home. My spouse is an alcoholic. I, as a first time mom, am finding the stress of juggling the sucking vortex of sleep disturbances/teething while watching the clock from 4:30 till 5:00pm(is he coming home from work or is he stopping for a "quickie" at the usual watering hole?) with the vigilance of a death row inmate wating for a stay/phone call from the governor before the lethal injection to be altogether too much for me. I am attending a weekly Al-anon meeting, and thank God I can bring the baby along. I stay at home and have been unable to get a sitter, let alone pay for one. We are living on one income and it is just not making it.  Also, I have a weekly family therapy session, and I have been taking the baby there too. It's a blessing that our insurance for mental heath care does not require a co-pay! And I can go up to 52 sessions a year! Whoo-hoo, cause I need 'em, I really do. Not only is motherhood kicking my ass, but feeling something like a single parent was something I hadn't bargained for.

    I say SOMETHING LIKE, because I am not faced with leaving my baby with a childcare provider or family member while going to work/school. Ugh. Hats off to you ladies and gents who are doing this alone! My mom did it with five kids and when I ask her for advice, she simply states, "honey, I can't even remember the Vietnam War. How am I supposed to remember how I fed/dressed/diapered 5 kids on a police cadet's salary in the sixities?

    So what to do, what to do. I feel like I cannot leave the baby in his care and get out of the house alone for a spell, which I need to do DESPARATELY-even if it is running errands on the Mommy Clock. That's if he even makes it home at a reasonable hour. By reasonable, I mean 7:30pm, for the whole bedtime routine. If he does make it home, he usually is pretty buzzed or completely innebriated, so much so that I cringe when he picks up the baby and walks around the house with him. Not like he's ever dropped him, but it still makes me nervous. So husband might spend 1/2 hour with baby a day, sometimes, and then he generally passes out in front of the TV. Husbands says he fell asleep, but I know better. Anyway, he's gonna do what he's gonna do, while I am concentrating on everything else that needs to be done, with safety first on my mind.

    I sent a few questions your way this week regarding sleep and routine, etc., etc., and I feel my husband's behavior (not spending time with our child, walking funny, talking funny when he is home) is contributing to Grumpy's overall development, bar none the loosey-gooseyness of our ever deteriorating schedule.

I am trying to get husband involved, with bath time and feeding (we are in our first week of cereal 2x a day) but he can't be here at any given time after work hours.

Should I give up, or will pressing the importance of the routine issue become a routine in itself? He won't change diapers sober, but he dotes on the baby after a few beers, let me tell you. Help! I feel like I am searching for the tv remote in the bedcovers at night without waking the baby in bed with me, and all I have to search with is a single foot and a dim light at the end of the hall.

    How can a girl find a free sitter? What are sitters charging nowadays? Who can you trust? My son, 6 months old, is going through that clingy,teething,no-sleep stage; so in a way, I feel the idea of handing him over to someone else is an impossible dream, and therefore a moot point.What options do I have? My sanity is involved here. I am nursing him round the clock, and daddy won't give a the baby a bottle, unless he's been drinking, and even that takes timing. Shit. This truely sucks.  

    If you choose to consider posting this, please, you have my thanks. However, once I send this email, I will delete it from my sent messages. I just don't want any more confrontation from husband. It's hard enough getting to a weekly meeting; he's so defensive and in denial."

Oh, girl. I'm just so sorry. This email is sucking the fight out of me just reading it, so I can't imagine how it must be to be living it.

First, get a free web-based email address from gmail.com or yahoo.com or hotmail.com that's just yours. Don't let him know  you have it, and clear the browsing history of your browser before he comes home. Then email me back.

Now, here's what I want you to know, even if you can't do anything about it right now: This is not your fault, and you are built for something better than living in fear of someone in the throes of a disease he can't control and is denying. You are meant for something more, Something far better, and something that makes use of who you are and what you can be. And your son deserves far better than he's getting right now, too. You're going to have to leave. Even if you can't do it now, you know it. When you're ready to, you will. Thousands of women have done it and are doing it, so you can, too. And we'll be right here to help you.

And it's not safe for him to be in charge of your baby. When he's sober he might be a wonderful guy. But alcoholism changes people and makes them behave in ways that are not rational. Until he gets into recovery, you cannot trust him with your son. And there is nothing you can do to get him out of denial and into recovery. Your job is to protect your son and yourself. You are the family unit at this point, because your husband is allowing himself to be absent and dangerous. Asking for or trying to get help and responsibility from him is simply not an option, because he's deep into this illness and just can't be trusted.

It sounds like what you need right now is a friend with a child who can trade some babysitting with you. You can leave your child with her for a few hours and then she can leave her child with you for a few hours. (But please please don't take her child while your husband is home--his active alcoholism makes it an unsafe situation.)

I don't have personal experience with Al-Anon or AA, but from my outsider's perspective I wonder if you could approach anyone in your group to ask for some help. It sounds like the alcoholism is making *you* feel ashamed and is limiting your social contacts, and that's tragic. You need all the support you can get right now. Can someone who's been (or is in) either Al-Anon or AA comment about whether she could approach other people in the group, or if that's not something that's done? It just seems to me like those are people with whom Amy wouldn't have to pretend that everything is OK.

This post is dedicated to the memory of D.E., who died yesterday at the age of 37 from complications of alcoholism.

Does anyone have any words of support or advice for Amy? Any women who've gotten out of alcoholic situations? Any people who grew up in alcoholic homes? Any women who are crying reading this like I'm crying typing it?

Super-important US bill about online child predators

Susan tipped me off about this. (Click on her name to read her post and be horrified):

The Combating Child Exploitation Act, which was introduced by Senator Joseph Biden, creates and implements a National Strategy for Child Exploitation Prevention and Interdiction. It designates a senior Department of Justice official to oversee the national strategy, including long-term goals, budget priorities, and program reviews to reduce the current backlog of forensic analysis for child exploitation cases.  This national strategy includes provisions to:

* establish an Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) Task Force Program consisting of state and local law enforcement officials to address the online enticement of children, child exploitation, and child obscenity and pornography;
* increase the investigative capabilities of law enforcement officers;
* provide training and technical assistance to ICAC task forces;
* increase the number of Internet crimes investigated and prosecuted;
* award grants to state and local ICAC task forces;
* and authorize funding for computer forensic capability, forensic labs, federal-state task forces, and the hiring of additional FBI agents to work solely on child exploitation cases.

Importantly, the bill expands federal authority to prosecute crimes involving child exploitation, buying or selling of children, and production or distribution of material involving the sexual exploitation of minors.

I know I live in a little protected bubble about what's going on out there, what some sick people do or try to do to kids, and who's being hurt. I never realized all the awfulness that was out there, or that there's currently no united effort to go after it.

Oprah has the information on action steps (contact your senators, of course, and tell them to "Vote yes on Senate Bill 1738—The PROTECT Our Children Act.") here.

Q&A: More effects of this !@#$%^ war

Michelle writes:

"I'm freaking out a bit and I'm hoping you and the Internets might be able to help calm me down.  In the way of background, our 10 month old son is at an in-home daycare 4 days a week, and has been there since he was 3 months old.  The daycare was recommended to us by some friends who have a 5 year old and a 2 year old.  We have been thrilled with our provider, "Jenny," and she absolutely adores our son.

Jenny's husband returned from a year-long overseas deployment 2 months ago and Jenny has mentioned to me that they've been having trouble adjusting to having him home again.  Then, a couple of days ago, he just left, and Jenny hasn't heard from him since, short of a text message saying he was meeting with a counselor.  I found this out yesterday when I went to pick up my son.  He was in a swing-set baby swing, by himself, and Jenny was on the complete other side of the yard.  He was just hanging out, staring down at the ground.  He wasn't upset, but he was definitely all alone. When I saw him, I was really surprised and upset…  Jenny is usually right there with him.  I ran and grabbed him, and when I turned around to see why Jenny wasn't there, she was sitting in a chair staring off into space.  I asked her if she was okay and that's when she told me what happened with her husband.

I understand why she's distracted, but I worry that with her mind elsewhere she'll be unable to properly care for the kids.  I spoke with the friend of mine I mentioned above, and neither of her kids have said anything about things being "weird" at Jenny's, which makes me feel a bit better.  I also worry, though this is probably my new-mom paranoia coming out, that her husband is going to become violent and come to the house while the kids are there.  It sounds like the person who held his post prior to him arriving committed suicide, and that many of his superiors needed to be replaced because of the stress.

So, what I need, I guess, is some reassurance….  How have other people dealt with it when their daycare provider is having bad personal problems?  And I suspect I'm overreacting when I worry about her husband hurting the kids or hurting her in front of the kids, but I would love for someone to tell me to chill out about it…"

I am so, so, so sorry for Jenny and her husband that this is happening. They are not alone. I've been reading all kinds of articles about how returning military people are having major problems reintegrating into their families and lives when they come back from being deployed. The system is starting to get overwhelmed, and returning military people are slipping through the cracks and families are being destabilized.

It sounds like Jenny has no idea what to do about this. We have no idea if the husband is going to become violent. I wouldn't rule it out, but I also wouldn't say it'll definitely happen. The sooner they can get help, the better off everyone will be, and the more stable the situation will become.

I think the best resolution to the problem would be for you and the other parents to start poking at the system in your area to see what support services there are for returning soldiers and their families. I'd start looking around for EMDR therapists.(EMDR is the process that's showing the best results in treating PTSD effectively and rapidly.) And I'd call the VA and see if there are support groups for families. It's good that he's seeing a counselor. Very good, and seriously lessens the likelihood that he'll be violent. But we have to hope that the counselor knows what to do with PTSD cases.

Does anyone out there have experience with getting help from the system for a returning soldier and family? Jenny and her husband aren't the only ones that are dealing with this. And not everyone has a Michelle who's worried about it.

Bring our troops home NOW.

Q&A: grandfather surfing naughty sites

Rebecca writes:

"Frankly, I can't believe I'm asking this question, for so many reasons. One is that I have a vague feeling that I'm being naive. Second, it's embarrassing to ask about porn. But here goes.

I just discovered that my father in law spends a great deal of his time on the internet watching porn videos, photos, etc. I discovered this because we were staying with them for almost a week and were allowed liberal use of their computer. I am an email and Google junkie so I spent time checking messages and Googling things like where I could find an urgent care center in Albuquerque for my 4-month old with an ear infection. Anyhoodle, my FIL's version of Firefox shows you the most frequent Google searches when you begin to type in the URL bar. And that's how I found that the most frequent search is a porn site. This lead me to a slightly unethical search of his internet history. And *that* lead me to promise myself never to look at his history again, a) because it's so clearly none of my business, and b) I don't want to know any more than I know now, considering I want to continue the lovely relationship we currently have.

My question is this: is there any reason to be concerned for my daughter's safety? My gut tells me that I don't have anything to worry about. But my gut also tells me, as I'm the child of a rape victim, that you really and truly never know. The statistics are there to prove it.

My daughter spends maybe one weekend every month or two with her grandparents, largely with us around as well. But my husband and I do occasionally go out to dinner while we're visiting them (in NM, we live in TX) and leave the baby with her grandfather and grandmother.

The porn habit seems to be a daily event, from what I can glean from the history. It seems that he checks his email and watches some porn. My feeling is that sexual desires, even the raunchy ones, are perfectly, beautifully normal. Meeting your needs is also perfectly normal. But something about daily dates with porn on the internet plus caring for my baby makes me squeamish."

Boy are there a whole lotta issues in this question! Let's start with the issues directly involving your daughter. I am NOT NOT NOT an expert on sex or sexuality or porn or sexual abuse. But it's my understanding that sexual proclivities don't cross. So a man who's looking at porn of adult women is not interested in little kids. I'd hazard a guess that the majority of men who would definitely cross the street to check out Playboy would be absolutely repulsed by the idea of a little kid in a sexual way. So, in your situation, I don't think I'd be concerned about your FIL hurting your daughter directly.

However, that doesn't mean that she couldn't be hurt by accidentally being exposed to porn. Showing kids pornographic and sexual material while they're still children is a form of sexual abuse.(and it can be testing/prepping behavior if the person is intending to molest the child.)  Even if your FIL would never ever intend it, the fact that you could get to it so easily when you weren't trying means that any kid using his computer could get their easily, too, without trying. Your daughter's going to be at the age pretty soon when she's going to want to do Neopets or that penguin game or whatever, and she'll want to do it while she's visiting them, and probably show it off to her grandparents. Two misplaced clicks and she's seeing something she really shouldn't be seeing.

Here's the part of the post when I'm supposed to talk about whether porn is good or bad or whatever. Personally, I think it's damaging to the people who make it more than to many of the people who use it. But I know people on both sides of the issue who work(ed) in the porn/sex industry. Some say it's degrading and coercive; others say it's empowering and liberating. I think for users it can be harmless in some situations, but extremely damaging in others. Using porn if your partner doesn't know is, to me, a problem. And avoiding your partner in order to use porn is a very very serious problem.

The other aspect to worry about is addiction. If he's doing it every day, then he could be addicted. If he's choosing porn over other activities, that's definitely addiction. As with other addictions, it could cause him to act irrationally, but the bigger issue is the isolation there's going to be between him and the people he's distancing from (by using the porn) and hiding it from.

I'm wondering if there's a problem in your in-laws' marriage. If it's something physical, maybe they've chosen porn for your FIL as a way to live with it as well as they can. If they haven't chose the porn together, though, this could be something that's going to come out and be a problem. And you may end up having to deal with some fallout.

So, to recap this super-long post: The porn could be a problem either for your FIL alone, or for your FIL and for his marriage. So just be prepared that it could blow up and involve the whole family. Or perhaps it's just a pragmatic way of dealing with some physical side effects of getting older.

Your immediate concern should be making sure that your daughter doesn't see the porn. The most direct way to do this is to make sure your FIL keeps it where she can't see it. You shouldn't have to have this conversation with him (I cannot think of a conversation that could possibly be more awkward between FIL and DIL!). Instead, get your husband to mention it. He can use the computer and pretend that he came upon the sites, and say something like, "Dude, can you hide your porn? What if my daughter sees it??" and it'll be one of those nudge-nudge Guy Things. And if your FIL is a decent guy he'll rush to shield your daughter from anything too old for her, and problem solved.

Keep your eyes and ears open, and trust your instincts. It wouldn't hurt to reread Protecting the Gift. And good for you for poking around to protect your baby.

Anyone think I'm totally off the mark? Other opinions? Experiences? Anyone worked in the sex industry who wants to comment? Agreement?

Q&A: 15-month-old hitting and dealing with your mother

Amy writes:

"I have a 15 month old son who is such a love.  It has been love at first sight since the beginning.  We spend almost all of our time together.  My boyfriend has a very unpredictable schedule so we have days when it is all three of us but for the most part it is always me & child together (which i love so much).  Recently he has started slapping me or hitting me in the face.  Mostly it is when he is tired, at the end of his little rope... like on the final walk home from a morning out or before bed as we lie in bed together nursing and then if he isn't going down he gets a little excited and slaps me or (this is great) when i am carrying him up 4 or 5 flights of stairs with grocery bags in each hand with him in an ergo carrier.  I do think it has something to do with unexpended body energy and tired state of mind for the most part but some days i really do have to go to the post office and the grocery store and he has to come with me.  Anyway, besides angering me to no end, it's really embarrassing to be slapped in the face by a toddler and then hear laughing as I say NO.   Or try to catch his hands before he does it again and have him laughing the whole time.  I have experimented with different no's:  Holding his hands down and firmly saying no.  He cries (because he hates to be restrained at all) and then hugs me. Which all feels bad.  Trying a surprise "NO!" in a louder, stronger tone which feels awful and is also really coming from an anger place and not something I believe in when setting boundaries for a baby.  He laughs.  I think its nervous laughter because I never use that tone or volume of voice with him but maybe he is just laughing at me.

To compound matters, I am out of the country for a bit and my mother came to visit.  It has taken a while for her to completely accept the way that i am raising the baby -- extended breastfeeding, breastfeeding on demand, no CIO, no crib, no stroller until recently (one reason is just logistical, easier to navigate new york city with a baby on you rather than pushing a stroller but I also love having him near and up high with me), etc. etc. ...Anyway, she is pretty much completely on board with me now as he has turned out to be such a happy, loving, independent, funny, wonderful person... there's not much to fight me about.  But when it comes to the hitting me, well it makes me feel like a pushover in front of her, that my parenting is somehow too laid back or child centered.  She suggests growling "No" loudly and basically scaring him into behaving. 

What I really don't like is reacting out of anger.  My mother really did get angry, angry at us when we were children.  She hit us (now she is horrified that she did such a thing), yelled & screamed at us when we pushed limits or broke rules and really we were very scared of her when she was angry.  It never stopped us from doing what we were going to do, I think, but it just made us better at not being caught.  I think she had a short fuse due to all of the turmoil that was happening in our lives.  I understand & forgive it all.   We're really close and can talk about all of these things for the most part but her first instincts in terms of parenting advice always seem a little insane to me. obviously, having a child brings up all of these things for me.  How do I want to do it?  How do I set boundaries with out using FEAR and anger.  The baby is 15 months old.  He's a baby.  Being angry at a baby is one of the worst feelings in the world.   I think I need a good plan to deal with this slapping so that I don't allow it to fester and then blow up at him (which has happened a couple of times, my worst parenting moments to date) and also to set me on the right track for being strong and loving, setting boundaries with love."

There are three issues in this email: the hitting stage some toddlers go through, setting firm limits without being punitive, and negotiating your relationship with your own mother. Let's do the first one and part of the second today, and then start a new topic about dealing with your parents tomorrow.

I don't have an answer for the hitting issue. When there's a clear reason a behavior is happening, you can address it, but I'm not sure the reasons young toddlers hit is always that clear-cut. If he were closer to 2 years old, he'd probably be hitting out of anger and frustration, so giving him another way to channel those feelings and at the same time helping him communicate better would probably curb the hitting quickly. But it's not usually so clear-cut with a young toddler (under 18 months). Sometimes they hit out of tiredness, sometimes out of frustration, but sometimes they just hit because they like the way it feels, or think it's funny.

I think the best thing you can do is try to keep him out of situations that provoke it (figure out if there's a better time of day to do errands and a worse time, and try to avoid the worse time). At the same time, think about your feelings. What is it that makes you feel so embarrassed about being hit by him? Is this something that makes you feel worse than the other stuff he does that you don't like? It seems like this hit (ha ha) a particular nerve. I'm wondering if maybe this was an issue your mom had particular problems with and was extra-punitive with you about. Or maybe this reverberates in you because you did get spanked as a kid. (That one sounds veeery familiar to me. Getting hit by my younger one shot right through to my psyche, and I think it's because I felt so enraged when I'd get spanked as a kid.)

At any rate, it's probably just a phase, so knowing that, it's not a do-or-die situation to curb the behavior, as it'll pass anyway. So you could use this time to figure out how you're going to deal with misbehavior that sparks strong feelings in you.

The other thing is to figure out what's going to work with him. I did do the roaring thing with my older son, and it stopped him in his tracks but after a quick hug he moved on (without doing the behavior I'd roared to stop). In other words, it worked the way it needed to, without making him feel bad (just startled!). My younger one, though, gets so upset if spoken harshly to, which makes it awful if he runs away someplace he's not supposed to, because there's no way to react except to scream "NO!"" BUt once we've talked about it, he does a great job with role-playing and pretending to be ä cat who stops at the curb" or whatever.

In other words, it's all a process. And part of getting to know your child and yourself. And you're going to make mistakes. And you're going to have to do things that you don't like (like making your kid cry when you scream "NO!" to stop him from running into the street). And your kid will piss you off, and your kid will piss you off. But you'll work your way through it together.

I'm really hoping Sharon Silver has some comments about all this (especially the hitting), because I've never been good with figuring out what to do when the kid really does think it's just fun.

Anyone else?

Near miss

Yesterday, I had a scare. And also learned that my instincts aren't called instincts for nothing.

As the boys and I were walking home from our special Mothers' Day dinner (local Japanese restaurant: edamame, avocado rolls, and veggie tempura for them, eel kinuta roll and spicy salmon roll for me), I let them do their usual thing. They can run as far ahead on the sidewalk as they like, but the stop at the curb and wait for me. I'm not sure exactly why they always do stop--maybe because I only have a few rules that I enforce absolutely, and this is one of them?--but they always do stop and wait. So they ran ahead, then stopped and waited for me, and when the light turned green and we got the walking guy (instead of the red hand), I took the younger one's hand and the three of us started across the street.

Suddenly, the black Lexus parked right in front of the crosswalk started backing up! It was almost touching the kids, and I saw it in my peripheral vision, and before I realized consciously what was happening I screamed this high-pitched, anguished-sounding scream that scared the living crap out of the people walking a few feet ahead of us. But it also, fortunately, caught the attention of the driver of the car, who stopped backing up.

So no one was touched. I hope the driver of the car (who looked remarkably like Larry David) is more than a little freaked out that he could have killed a mother and her two children on Mothers' Day, and is anal about checking behind him before he backs up in the future. I don't want him to feel bad forever, but use this near miss as a chance to be more aware of his surroundings and his place in the human ecosystem.

I also hope that I can stay in touch with that instinct that made me scream. I haven't felt that purely animal since I was in labor with my second and had the thought that I wished I had something to pull down on, and my mom put out her hands for me to pull on even though I hadn't spoken that thought out loud. Whatever that animal level that my mom picked up on was is the animal level that sensed the danger and responded to it.

I can't be the only one that's thought about "What would I do if" thousands of times since my kids were born. I know I've thought about a car jumping the sidewalk and crashing into them, someone trying to steal them at a store, their falling onto the subway tracks, etc. I'd never thought about a geezer backing into them at 20 miles per hour a block from my apartment.

By the time you're reading this, I've started rereading Gavin DeBecker's Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane).

Product Review: Concrobium Mold Control

(Note the new Amazon click-through widget on the left.)

I've been owing you guys this review of Concrobium Mold Control spray for a few months. Sam, the witty Canadian guy who invented it, sent me a sample months ago. I was a little surprised when he emailed me about it, because I've never written about the mold that plagued our bathroom walls and ceiling, but I was super-happy to accept a sample to test.

See, the mold I had is all over the ceiling above the shower. But I live in a building that was built in the 1890s, so we have high ceilings. And there's no way to put a step-ladder in the bathtub (sloping sides), so I was basically going to have to reach over my head to spray blindly up at the mold.* Which meant that whatever toxic mess I was spraying up there would get all over me.

Sam solved my problem, though, because the beauty of Concrobium is that it's non-toxic. He says it's made from two "food-grade additives" that when combined kill mold spores and prevent them from coming back. But since they're food-grade additives, they're not going to hurt you. Or your kids. Or pets. (Sam claims that he's done demonstrations in which he drinks some of the Concrobium to prove how harmless to humans it is. I wasn't willing to go that far, personally, without some dark rum and crushed ice.)

So I tried it out on my ceiling and walls. Concrobium has no scent whatsoever. And when I sprayed it over my head and it misted back down onto me, it felt like water. My dumb cats came in to see what was happening before I could shoo them away, and neither of them suffered any ill effects from getting it on their fur and licking it off.

I wished that the Concrobium would make the mold stains just vanish like magic. It didn't, but the part that I could reach on the wall (a spot that I'd scrubbed at at least four time with bleach cleansers, but it always came back after a month) came off easily with a damp sponge the next morning. And no mold has come back to that spot in two months, which to me is a miracle.

A miracle of chemistry! I'm wracked with curiosity about what those two additives are now. MSG and guar gum? It's clear, so it's not a dye. Soy lecithin and HFCS? Whatever they are, I'm pretty sure I'd rather have them on my walls controlling mold than in my stomach.

You can buy Concrobium at hardware stores and home centers in the US and Canada, and conveniently for me, at Amazon through this link. Check out their site for more info on the product.

* I took pictures of the mold, but can't find them now. Perhaps the computer ate them because they were so disgusting? If they turn up I'll add them to this post later on.

Q&A: husband with PTSD flashback scaring kids

Wow, great comments from yesterday. Here's a question I've been sitting on for a few weeks, not knowing how to answer, because I'm afraid my answer would be too informed by my own experience. But yesterday's post and comments made me realize I should just put it out there, biases and all.

Commenter Jan writes:

"Many years ago, when we were first married, my husband was in a special forced arm of the military.  Not Navy SEALs, but along those lines.  He saw and did some things that have haunted him (I first typed 'me' there -- freudian slip much?) for ages, but have, in the last few years (since we had kids, probably no coincidence) caused him to experience some pretty serious PTSD.

He occasionally experiences flashbacks (he experiences them as nightmares, which makes him avoid sleep), periods of depression, irritability and periods of altered mental state (picture an angry -- but never violent -- drunk).  Stress, physical or emotional, exacerbates these problems.

I coped very poorly with all this at first, having my own little meltdown each and every time.  I'm getting better.  And the older my kids get, the more I know that I have to keep it together for them.

And there's the tricky part.  Our daughter will be 4 soon; she is old enough to be freaked out when Daddy isn't behaving right.  Our son is just past 2 and he's still pretty oblivious.

Up until recently, we've been sort of operating under the agreement that if I think he's Having An Episode, he will respect that (he isn't always aware of it, and usually denies it) and go into another part of the house.  This works for the kids.  I tell them Daddy isn't feeling good and has gone to bed and they seem to accept that.

He is in counseling and just lately things seems to be coming to the front more often.  A lot of his troubles seem to stem from being really afraid that if I knew all of what he did, I would reject him.  I think in order for him to get better, he needs to not be 'sent away' every time he gets into what is a really raw emotional state.

Last night was really awful.  I got home with the kids and he was just a basket case.  I did the back and forth as best I could (dinner for the kids:  nuts and a banana on the couch in front of a Tivo'd episodes of Sesame Street), but my daughter woke up crying in the night and had a very difficult time at drop-off this morning at daycare.  She told me that she doesn't want Daddy to come home for dinner tonight, that she likes it when he  has a meeting and doesn't come home until after she's in bed.  He didn't do anything 'scary' (as I said, he's never violent) but he did sob uncontrollably and that's not something any of us are used to seeing and there's definitely anger in his voice when he's talking.

How do I balance his need for me, as his wife, against their need for harmony? (I realize this leaves out completely what I need, which I generally try not to do, but isn't what I'm struggling with right now).  I sort of think that for him there's no way but through this sort of hurt and he just doesn't have it in him to go there without me.  And these kind of breakthroughs aren't exactly something that can be scheduled.  But I can't stand to see my daughter being afraid of her daddy, either.

We've just moved to a new neighborhood, so I don't know any neighbors well enough to show up on their doorstep at 6 p.m. with my kids, especially not without  background information that is really private for my husband.

So what now?  The only thing completely off the table for me is leaving him, temporarily or permanently. I'm not going to do that, for a billion reasons that I won't defend; suffice it to say I've thought it through and made my decision."

Wow is there a lot to deal with in this email! I just want to express my sympathies to you and your husband and your kids. That he had to do that stuff, and that it's continuing to haunt him."(Also, I'm imagining your husband as completely hot--a cross between the heroes of all those ex-mercenary romance novels and Sayid from Lost.)

As soon as I read the email I shot back a recommendation to Jan for EMDR, which is a kind of therapy used for victims of violence or stress and anything that causes PTSD. EMDR uses specific eye movements to unlock and get the stress out of your body. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but an extremely down-to-earth and scientific friend of mine used it to get past some incest issues and ended up training to be an EMDR therapist herself, and that's how I heard about it initially. And it makes complete sense to me that trauma stays in the body (talk to any New Yorker or DC-ite in mid-September), so releasing it physically will help you release it completely. The best link explaining it that I could find was here, but I have no knowledge of this particular EMDR therapist and am not specifically recommending her: http://www.emdr-therapy.com/

Now, here's the part that's hard for me to separate out from my own experience: The role you should take in protecting your kids. You say that your husband isn't violent, but is scary. I grew up in a house with a seriously clinically depressed father, and he had episodes in which he acted strange and scary.

My mom always tried to defend us (he usually didn't target us, unless we just happened to be in the way of whatever it was he was doing at the time, and then it was just more of a "get out of my way" thing). But my mom, who had no experience with mood disorders and is a real tiger mama, made her priority protecting us.

I think that in the long run, she ended up short-changing her relationship with my dad, and the protection she offered us didn't matter a whole lot. Let me explain the back end of that first. My dad, despite having a serious mood disorder, is one of the sweetest, most loving, funniest, nerdiest, most curmudgeonly, interesting people I know. And it was obvious to my brother (3 years younger) and me that he loved us. A lot. And most of the time he was really interested in us (we were programming BASIC by age 4) and sweet and caring.

So his episodes were just these strange episodes. Not a regular, usual thing that really seemed like part of him, if you can understand that. I sometimes talk about the parenting relationship as a long conversation with your kids, and to me, that conversation with my dad has always been a really funny, safe conversation. Just sometimes he had these outbursts, and then you knew to just leave the room for an hour. (By the time I was 12, we'd just say "Did you take your meds this morning?" when he was scary.)

I think that my mom trying to protect us made her too responsible for our mental states and decreased the connection she felt with my dad. What's happened is that I've ended up being the translator between them (because I've had depression so I understand my dad's thought patterns--I'm "fluent" in mood disorders, I guess), which is not a problem for me but I think is a problem for them.

So that's my bias. I think you need to sit and look at this situation critically, from your kids' point of view, and figure out if, to them, it feels like an abusive situation (and I know there are plenty of commenters who could describe what that feels like, and I'm so sorry about that) or like a loving situation with some scary episodes. If it's the latter, then you probably should talk to them about what happens when Daddy has a daymare (or whatever you want to call it) and teach them that it has nothing to do with them, and they should just go to another room if things are scary.

Also, it might be worth a few sessions with a therapist for the two of you together to really talk about the fact that you love him as he is, and that you're not leaving. But that you need him to make a commitment to going to a certain place in the house when he's having an episode, so that he can have his raging place and the kids can have their safe space.

I'm thinking that by having you lay out the boundaries while this is in process, you aren't responsible for everyone's feelings, but are helping everyone be able to be safe.

What does anyone else think? I don't read the situation as abuse, but if you do, please say so. And since Jan's kids are so young, do you have any suggestions to help her make them feel safe while not having to run interference. I wish the EMDR would work in one session and this whole problem would go away for them!