Ask Moxie

Q&A: toddler boys and toenail polish

Adrianne writes:

"One evening I was painting my toenails and my son asked for his to be painted too.  He said pink toes were pretty and he wanted some pretty pink toes like mommy.  He has a doll baby, so I thought I would try painting the doll's toes pink first and maybe that would satisfy him. Of course, it only made him want pink toes even more since now mommy AND his baby had pink toes.  So, figuring there would be no harm in it, I painted his toenails pink.  He laughed, was so excited and it made him so happy he called grandma to tell her about it and he even took off his shoes at church to show his friends.  I thought it was cute and funny and adorable that he was so into his pink toes, however, my husband just about threw a tantrum over the whole thing.

Now I know this isn't the most life altering issue, and definitely not anywhere near as serious as many, however, I'm just looking for some opinions on this situation.  Was it wrong of me to think it was ok to paint my 3 year old son's toes pink?  Would anyone else out there paint their son's toes?  I try to nurture his interests, give him a wide variety of toys and experiences and let him try and do things his way (within reason, of course) and I just don't see the harm in a little nail polish on a boy's toes."

Oh, boy. (No pun intended.) I've been through this one, too. Both of my boys love to have their toenails painted, but dads in general just don't seem to get that.

I think this is one of those gender divide things that we just aren't going to understand each other about. I can't possibly see what could be bad about painting a 3-year-old's toenails. Heck, I can't see what would be bad about painting a 10-year-old's toenails, or a 20-year-old's toenails. To me, this falls into the same category as (for kids) coloring with marker on their bodies or (for adults) experimenting with wacky haircuts.

But I think for men over a certain age, nail polish is something that signifies "Not Man" and they just can't deal with it.

I think you have a few options here. You can keep on painting your son's toes, and just laugh off your husband's objections. You can ask your husband exactly what it is that scares him about the nail polish, and get him to break it down and realize that there's nothing really for him to fear. You can go with a buff blush color of nail polish so your husband will never notice it but your son can keep wearing the nail polish. Or you can cut your son off and give him his first lesson in "how we socialize kids to conform to a narrow range of acceptable options no matter what they like or don't like." I hope you don't end up having to choose the last one, because it sucks to have to squash your kid down into society's little box.

What did you all do? I know there have to be tons of us whose sons like nail polish. Mine used to make their own with marker if I didn't hop to it and paint their toes the instant they demanded it.

TV Show Review: Word World

WordWorld, a new animated show aiming to teach pre-literacy skills to preschoolers, is premiering on PBS September 3. I was sent a review copy, and watched it with my kids. I'll tell you what I thought of it, and also how it went over with my 5-year-old and my 2-year-old.

(Disclaimer: I just found out a couple of days ago that a friend of mine has started doing some freelance work for WordWorld, but she wasn't there when I watched it or when I wrote the review initially. It hasn't changed my opinion of the show at all.)

WordWorld was created to get preschoolers used to the idea that letters form words. I think it definitely does a good job of that. All the objects in the world they've created are built out of letters. So the body of the sheep is made of the letters SHEEP, the bridge is formed out of the letters BRIDGE, etc. Each episode I watched was 11 minutes long, with a cute storyline that had some repetition, some surprise and a lot of talking about letters and showing letters jumping apart and back together again to form words.

The CGI is nice quality, the colors are bright, and the voices are expressive.

My 2-year-old loved it. He was entranced, and sat through the 11 minute episodes happily. He's asked for WordWorld several times (the episode about the escaped letter O is his favorite of the two), and I know he'll want to watch it when it's on PBS. He had a pretty good grasp of the concept that letters make words before he saw the show, because we read a ton, and he sees his brother writing, and we watch Wheel of Fortune some nights. But I think this is a nice supplement for him that reinforces the prereading skills he's developing right now.

My 5-year-old thought it was cool, but got bored with each episode at about minute 5 or so. It's really geared to younger kids in terms of storyline and character, so while he thought the objects-built-out-of-letters concept was cool, and liked the animation, it lost him at a certain point. Bear in mind, though, that he's been reading fluently for several months, so a kid who was working on letters and sounds might be more into it even at the age of 5. He was totally willing to let his brother watch it when the little one requested it, though, and took the DVD remote and clicked to the "runaway O" episode for him.

I thought the concept was great and the production was excellent, but I didn't want to sit there and watch it. Maybe it's because it's my second child, but I just don't have the patience with the baby shows anymore. I'll watch Curious George and Jakers, but I think I'd use WordWorld as a way to keep the 2-year-old occupied while I was doing something else. If I'm going to spend time on the couch with letters that involve the TV instead of actual books, I'd rather spend it with the Learning About Letters DVD (Elmo-free) or with Wheel! of! Fortune!

So my quick and dirty on WordWorld:

Definitely yes for 2-4-year olds, no for older kids or kids who are already reading, and bring your knitting if you're going to watch with your toddler.

More on PPD and Q&A on breastfeeding in front of a 3-year-old

Jillian wrote me to add to Friday's post on PPD after weaning:

"I wanted to add to your "trifecta" of massage, omega-3 and exercise. Add: High potency B vitamin pill, like a B100 or Stress B. Consider adding 500-1000 mg of magnesium citrate pills per day as well.

Many women who have been pregnant and nursing, and on birth control as well (!), have become borderline deficient or downright deficienct in B12 and B6, among the Bs, as well as in magnesium. B vitamins are absolutely required for the body to make serotonin. Low serotonin=depression. Many women who suffer from PMS are B vitamin deficient as well. You can google or pubmed this stuff, but I looked into it extensively. I also found my PMS, cycles and moods to improve considerably with a B100 (on top of my high potency multivitamin) daily, plus 500 mg mag citrate.

You can safely take a B100 on top of a multivitamin that provides tons of B, because B isn't absorbed that well. It's what makes your pee green when you take vitamins, actually."

Very good to know. Thanks, Jillian.

And now a question from Anon:

"I can't seem to find any info on the subject of breastfeeding in front of a 3 year old. Do you think it is it healthy to my 3 year old's psyche to let him see me breastfeed his baby brother?

We are expecting in November and I never thought this would be an issue but my husband thinks it is weird that I still bath with my toddler and now he thinks it is "unhealthy" to let him see me nursing the baby. My son is now noticing that my anatomy is different to his and is starting to be curious about it and it kinda freaks my husband out a little. I weaned my son from the breast at around 13 months so I doubt that he remembers anything about nursing. I just wondered what you thought about it."

I can appreciate that your husband might have some qualms, because our society is so geared to thinking of the breasts as sexual and not functional. But he just hasn't thought it through logically: If it caused psychological damage to watch a baby being nursed, then every older child of a nursing mother across the world would be psychologically damaged either from having watched it or from being sent into another room every time the baby nursed (talk about a recipe for sibling rivalry!). Moreover, there are tons and tons of kids who were still nursing at the age of 3 and have no psychological problems. So your husband can turn his worries from nursing to all the other stuff that's going to happen when the new baby comes in November.

(This is the point at which I plug the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. If you're having another child, if you do absolutely no other prep, read this book. If you already have more than one child, read this book. If you have siblings, reading this book might help you understand your relationship with them better and could help you improve things between you. If you're an aunt or uncle or interested adult in the life of siblings, read this book.)

On a related topic, it's very healthy for your son to learn, in a factual way, about the differences between boys and girls. His noticing that you and he have different parts is great, and any factual, age=-appropriate explanations you give him are going to help him. It's also going to be healthy for him to learn all the normal things about babies--how they're fed, that they pee and poop, that they cry and need to be soothed, etc. It's all giving him more information about the way humans work.

It sounds like your husband may be very concerned about the inappropriate sexualization of your son. That's a really valid concern, especially in our society (Bratz, anyone?). But withholding factual information about basic differences will actually backfire by making him more vulnerable to information coming from other sources. A kid who knows the facts and has all his questions answered honestly to his age level is going to be much better equipped to live in a world that sends some really confusing messages about our bodies.

Comments?

Q&A: toddler understanding "no"

Dawn writes:

"At what point does a child understand 'No'?  My 13 month old son is very very active, a climber and so curious that he gets himself into places and things he really shouldn’t. I try the calm 'no', I try a louder 'no', I distract him, take him away from the object - (the tv, the phone, the dog dish) but he beelines right back to it. Over and over and over. It's really funny sometimes but we try not to let him see us laugh of course! Eventually he gets frustrated and starts to grizzle. I don’t give in but am I expecting too much to think he does understand the meaning when I say no?  He does sometimes seem to get it, and will stop or move off to other activities. I know he is not being 'bad' because he has no malicious intent but is just into everything. He seems to understand other things, like go get the ball, or do you want a cookie ;-)  Advice?"

Good question, Dawn. Actually, a few good questions:

• At what age do most/many (certainly not all) kids understand that when you say "no" you want them not to do something?
• At what age do kids care that when you say "no" you want them not to do something?  
• At what age is it reasonable to expect kids to comply with your requests for them not to do something?
• What are some ways that are as effective or more effective (depending on the age) to get kids to stop doing something?  

Feel free to give your own answers to these questions, or other related ones you come up with, in the comments section.

I think that a 13-month-old certainly understands that "no" is something you say when you're excited. It's the sign that the child has gotten a reaction from you. I'm not sure that at that age the child actually understands that "no" means you want them to stop doing something. (If you use pain to punish your kids, then yes, they will stop doing things when they hear the word "no" but only because they associate that word with pain and they want to avoid the pain, not because they actually understand the meaning of the word "no.") In fact, I think sometimes they take "no" as encouragement because it elicits such a funny (to them) reaction from you.

It seems to me, based on my observation of my two kids, that the real understanding that "no" means you want them not to do something kicks in some time between 18 months and two years. Or so. However, that still doesn't mean that they'll actually stop when you say "no." It totally depends on the kid. My 5-year-old still sometimes seems unable to stop when I say "no," and needs me to put my hands on his to move them away, or walk him away from the temptation, or replace the sharp stick with a bagel, or whatever. My 2-year-old sometimes stops, but sometimes looks at me like, "Ha ha, Mama! I know you want me to stop, but I am not going to!" So from my n of 2, I'll say that understanding the meaning of "no" is necessary but not sufficient.

I started writing this answer a few days ago, then asked Co-worker S, who has a 5-year-old and an almost-2-year-old, what he thought. He agreed that the ability to really understand "no" happened after 18 months but closer to 2 years. He also agreed that understanding "no" and complying with it are two very different things. "Sometimes it's just not in their best interest to stop what they're doing," he observed. It's funny because it's true.

So I'd say that "no" may be understood by 2, but not necessarily complied with until later on. Some time between 2 and 60, I'd say. (Although my dad still doesn't do everything my grandmother wants him to do, so maybe it's even later than 60.)

Now, on to the reasonable question. I think it depends on what it is that you want them to comply with and your general attitude about obedience and self-discipline and discipline in general. If it's something really serious, like not sticking a fork in an outlet or running into the street, you need to be more serious about enforcing your rules.

As with the rest of life, follow-through is everything. You can say "no" all you want, but unless you actually engage with your kids, you aren't teaching them anything about appropriate behavior and how to use self-control. I know a dad who used to ignore his 5-year-old, so the child would escalate and escalate and escalate his bad behavior as the dad just said, "Stop!" Finally, the dad would explode in a ball of rage and overreact to whatever it was the kid was doing and dole out severe punishments that always left the kid crying. It could all have been avoided if the dad had just engaged with the kid from the very beginning and stepped in to stop things before both of them got out of control.

If you're reading this and wondering what I mean by engaging as a way to stop bad behavior, click over immediately to buy Haim Ginott's masterpiece Between Parent and Child. It breaks down how to focus attention in a way that makes you partners with your kids in helping them learn to resolve situations for themselves, instead of engaging in a control game that leaves you both worn out, angry, and hopeless. Other books that people absolutely rave about (not surprising, since both are based on Ginott's work) are Faber and Mazlish's How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and Lawrence J. Cohen's Playful Parenting. I think both these books are wonderful and I learned new things from both of them, but if you only have time for one, go with the Ginott.

But back to Dawn's 13-month-old. At that age "no" is tricky, because it doesn't really connect with them yet. Instead, you're probably better off telling the child what you want him to do, instead of what you want him not to do. It's human nature to focus on what someone says, even if they're trying to tell you the opposite. If someone said to you, "You don't look fat in those pants," it would be a compliment, but you'd start to wonder if you usually looked fat in pants and it would probably end up making you feel bad. In contrast, if someone said, "You look really slim in those pants" you'd just think about how great you looked.

Toddlers (and people older than toddlers) respond the same way. Instead of saying "no" when your child tries to stick a fork in the outlet, try "Put the fork on the table." That gives the child something to do and provides a distraction. Instead of "Don't hit the dog," try "Clap your hands together and jump up and down."

You may be thinking that you want to teach your child appropriate behavior, and if you don't tell them what not to do they won't know what's wrong. But a toddler has no impulse control anyway, so even if they know something's wrong they can't actually stop themselves from doing it yet. It's more developmentally appropriate (and gives them a greater chance of success) to tell them what you want them to do and helping them do it.

I was going to get into Hedra's "safe, respectful, and kind" idea now, but this post is already too long. So please do two things: 1) Go read the safe, respectful, and kind post and be ready to comment on how it's going in your family when I open that topic up next week, and 2) Tell us about when you feel your kids were really able to exercise self-control, and what worked best to help them guide their own behavior.

Cool activity for kids and adults: Letterboxing

Remember my childhood friend Beth, of the bento boxes for her kids' lunches? She's back with more coolness in parenting:

"I like to think I'm relatively creative with my money (aka cheap). And have found a FREE activity for all ages:  letterboxing (www.letterboxing.org)

The kids (2, 5 and 8), my mom (60), nephew (18) and I (34) did it yesterday.  As it happens there is one in our town.  What fun!

So any travelers, or adventurer, that want to do something a little different... check out letterboxing.  The stamps in the books were fun to see.  And following the clues no too hard.  My 5 year old found the box, but we all had fun exploring the surroundings after our find.  Add a picnic lunch or snack, and you can have an all day event.

-Beth

What is letterboxing?  From www.letterboxing.org

Letterboxing is an intriguing mix of treasure hunting, art, navigation, and exploring interesting, scenic, and sometimes remote places. It takes the ancient custom of placing a rock on a cairn upon reaching the summit of a mountain to an artform. It started when a gentleman simply left his calling card in a bottle by a remote pool on the moors of Dartmoor, in England.

Here's the basic idea: Someone hides a waterproof box somewhere (in a beautiful, interesting, or remote location) containing at least a logbook and a carved rubber stamp, and perhaps other goodies. The hider then usually writes directions to the box (called "clues" or "the map"), which can be straightforward, cryptic, or any degree in between. Often the clues involve map coordinates or compass bearings from landmarks, but they don't have to. Selecting a location and writing the clues is one aspect of the art.

Once the clues are written, hunters in possession of the clues attempt to find the box. In addition to the clue and any maps or tools needed to solve it, the hunter should carry at least a pencil, his personal rubber stamp, an inkpad, and his personal logbook. When the hunter successfully deciphers the clue and finds the box, he stamps the logbook in the box with his personal stamp, and stamps his personal logbook with the box's stamp. The box's logbook keeps a record of all its visitors, and the hunters keep a record of all the boxes they have found, in their personal logbooks."

Q&A: sibling without rivalry

Charissa writes:

"I bought the book, “Siblings Without Rivalry” on the recommendation of a friend (I have a 9-month-old and a three year old), and I’ve started to thumb through it out of curiosity.  However, my three year old seems largely happy to have a baby sister, and I’ve not observed much distress on her part other than an occasional potty accident (she trained after the baby was born) that seemed intentional, and some brief episodes of jealously, mostly involving grandparents.  The thing that concerns me is that every thing that I’ve read on the topic of sibling adjustment seems to suggest that the older sibling is going to go through significant adjustment, which includes acting out against the baby, saying hateful things about the baby, etc.  Is my child repressing?  Am I just lucky?  Is this within the realm of normal?  I would be interested in other peoples’ experiences…"

There are all sorts of possibilities here:

1) Your kids haven't read the book, so they don't know to act out.

2) You're just lucky, and for whatever reason (personality, energy, etc.) your older one isn't having trouble adjusting to her new sister.

3) The older one is going to have more problems adjusting later on, when the baby is mobile and starts getting into her stuff.

4) Something else.

I think as long as you keep talking about things so your older one knows she can tell you what she feels, positive or negative, and you know that things could get worse, you'll be fine. Some kids don't seem to have problems with a new baby, but really feel infringed upon by a mobile toddler. Or maybe she'll just never have a problem with her. The important thing is that she knows she can express her feelings to you and you'll accept her and help her through them.

Oh, and definitely read the whole book. Concepts from it (especially the chart about when to intervene in a fight) will come to you for years at important moments.

Did anyone else have an older child who never displayed much jealousy? Or an older sibling who had delayed adjustment problems? Please share your experiences.

My Q, Your A: business trip tips

So I'm going on a business trip for a few days next week. (I've set posts to autopost, so assuming technology works and I didn't misschedule them, you should have a new post every day, even while I'm someplace else.) Some of you may recall that my first three days of work were a business trip. That was a little strange. But now I've been at my company long enough to actually know what I'm doing, so I'm thinking this might be a good time to share ideas about being a parent who travels occasionally on business.

My only tip (and I learned this from my mom, who figured it out when my dad was travelling on business when I was a kid) was to try to call in the morning to talk to your kids, so that they get that early-morning contact to start their day off. I'm planning on calling in the morning for them and in the evening for me ('cause I know that's when I miss them the most).

What else do you have? Tips on dealing with missing your kids and staying in contact with them? Tips for the actual travel? Best wheelie suitcases? Where you can find a bottle of volumizing mousse for straight hair that's 3 ounces or less?

(And I'd tell you where I'm going, but I have to socialize with the other people on my trip every night so I wouldn't have time to see anyone anyway or go to the places you'd recommend.)

Book Review: Reading With Babies, Toddler, and Twos

Review of Reading With Babies, Toddlers, and Twos, originally posted on my personal blog on June 8, 2006.

I'm happy to be part of the blog book tour for Reading with Babies, Toddlers, and Twos by Susan Straub and KJ Dell'Antonia. 'Cause, you know, free stuff. But also because I think the book is great and fills a big gap for parents of younger kids who don't know where to go after Pat the Bunny and Goodnight Moon. I liked the book so much I recommended it to the children's librarian at my local library branch.

RWBTAT has three main strengths. The first is that it's a short book, written in easily-read and digested chunks. This makes it perfect for a nursing mom of a baby or a parent of a toddler who can only read in 5-minute chunks. It's small enough that you can toss it in your bag or the bottom of the stroller to read if your kid falls asleep while you're out. You don't have to wade through statistical studies to get to the tips and tricks for choosing and using books with very small people. It's perfectly targeted to a largely sleep-deprived, short attention-spanned audience.

The other strength is that it's specifically geared for babies and little kids. The authors affirm that it's not just your baby who doesn't seem to care that much about books, it's not just your toddler who wants to throw the books more than listen to them, and it's not just you who feels like reading to your child is a big waste of time since your child doesn't do more than gum the book. Their message is that all that is normal, and it's part of the process, and if you read to your kids because you think you have to it's going to be a disheartening experience, but if you read because you like to read, they'll eventually start to pay attention. It's refreshing, really. A book that doesn't guilt-trip you about how your child will never be a success later in life if s/he isn't force-read for an hour every day.

The book's biggest selling point, though, is the sheer volume of different lists of books. They have lists of books about colors, books with baby faces, fairy-tale book, classic books that became TV characters, lift-the-flap books, books to help with rough bedtimes, books to help talk about death and dying, and on and on. It's almost comical how many lists there are. (I'd make fun of the authors for it, but I've already used some of the lists to update my library reserve list and Amazon.com wishlist, so I really can't throw any stones.) Just when you start to get huffy about "I can't believe they didn't put Good Dog, Carl on the list!" you turn the page and there it is. They even have lists of favorite books of real-life kids of all (young) ages, from 3 months to two.

This is a perfect baby shower gift or book to buy for yourself when you feel like you're bored with your current repertoire and need a little guidance about choosing the next round of books. I was happy to receive the book to review, figuring I'd read it and then give it to a friend with a new baby, but now I can't get rid of it. I need the lists too much.

Laura needs some post-toddler love

Laura writes:

"I’ve been reading (and posting) about surviving the toddler twos and threes. I’m in the middle of what feels like hell now, and would love to hear stories about when it ends. Does something miraculous happen at 4? Do toddlers suddenly learn a skill that improves life for everyone for a little while? Is 4 really that much better?

I heard plenty of, “Momma go away!” yesterday. It was a bittersweet Mother’s Day! I could use some encouragement."

Oh, poor Laura. I wasn't able to pay much attention to when the shift happens, because I had a newborn when my older son was going through the transition from 3 to 4 years old. I was just trying to keep my head above water dealing with two at a time. But I do know that my 5-year-old is amazingly easier to deal with now than he was when he was 3. Frankly, he's a delight. And I think msot 5-year-olds are a ton of fun.

Is there anyone out there who has a theory about when, exactly, it gets better (and "when the kid goes off to college" doesn't really count)?

Q&A: almost 3 years old

Ellen writes:

"I have a 2 year and 10 month old son and he is very independent and wants to do or have whatever he wants. everything ends up in either crying for 30 minutes or screaming till he gets it. he does not want to go to bed to sleep at night and he says no we have to stay downstairs and play. he used to like going out to places and play but now every time we ask him do you want to go out to even places he likes and he says no I want to stay home.he does not want to learn to potty and he says do not put pull ups on me. he does not let me change his pull ups either. My husband and I are frustrated and need help."

Oh, yeah. That all sounds veeeery familiar (but through the lens of time not as distrubing as it actually was when it was happening). I remember that stage well.

I also remember thinking I was doing something wrong, or that there was something wrong with my son. Then I ended up buying the Ames & Ilg book about 3-year-olds, Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy. The name pretty much says it all, no?

(I've talked about the Ames & Ilg books before. They were written in the '70s by researchers at the Gesell Institute of Human Development, and they go into all sorts of little details of children's behavior at each age. Lots of what they say is totally anachronistic--the assumption that all mothers are at home with their kids all day, for example--but the descriptions of child behavior is dead on. I definitely recommend them as references to let you know that your kid is normal, but don't expect to get much current evidence-based advice about what you should do about your kid's I-though-it-was-strange-but-it-turns-out-to-be-totally-normal behavior.)

The thing that truly freaked me out about that age was that my son suddenly didn't want to go outside anymore. He really would have stayed inside our small apartment for months at a time if I'd have let him. It made no sense, and I thought somehow he'd gotten agoraphobia until I read that this was a feature of the age (and here I thought it was a bug).

As for the screaming, would you like to guess what Ames & Ilg say to do? Have the child spend as much time with a babysitter as possible. (Because often kids that age cooperate with people they can tell aren't as invested in getting them to do something.)

Reading that made me laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Then I laughed again. Partly because it wasn't practical, partly because it just seemed so Mother's Little Helper, and partly because it made me realize that it wasn't me and it wasn't my kid. Apparently many of them are just unbearable sometimes at this age.

What I ended up doing was sitting down and figuring out what were the exact rules I cared about (bedtime--yes, what he ate for supper--no, etc.) and standing absolutely firm on what I cared about, and allowing everything else from the get-go. That meant I never said "no" and then changed it to a yes. It was either always no, or OK as soon as he asked. After many arduous weeks, he finally started to get that the crying wouldn't get him what he wanted. And it was either that or just the passage of time that eased the situation for us.

So I'd say to pick your battles (probably you'll enforce bedtime and insist on changing his diaper, but give in on going outside all the time) and just know that it's a phase. If you can give him enough choices to feel like he has some control over his life it might be easier, or it might not.

Anyone have any amazing tricks for that age? Please share.