Ask Moxie

Q&A: babies seeing ghosts?

And now for something *completely* different. Brenda writes:

"I have a question that used to bother me but not that much anymore. (At least not for now until my younger kid gets a little older.)

My question is: Do you believe that babies and toddlers can see entities of another realm (as in spirits, ghosts etc.) that we can't?

My son is now 3 years old. He used to look at, point to and make "eh eh" sounds at two particular corners of our bedroom. I have never seen anything there that may interest him - no interesting patterns or intriguing colours. Now he no longer does that but would sometimes walk over to those two areas to take a look and briskly walk away. (I'm getting goosebumps as I type this.) I know there's a school of thought that says that some kids have the ability to see things that we adults can't, and as they get older and start expressing themselves, they lose that ability. This is how the "other realm" keeps itself separate from ours. I have horrific thoughts sometimes and keep picturing scenes from the trailers of the movie "The Messengers". I'm now just hoping my 7-month-old doesn't start doing the same thing as well.

Do you or your readers have any thoughts that you would like to share on this? I know this is a rather sensitive and disturbing topic, but I'm curious about other parents' experiences and what they have done about it."

<Insert your own "I see dead people" joke here.>

You know, I don't think it matters if *I* believe they see anything.

So much truly strange, unexplainable stuff has happened to me in the last several years that I don't discount anything. But at the same time I completely understand how other people don't think strange stuff can happen. It's all your own personal experience. In my experience.

Is there a way for you to switch rooms in your living space so your kids don't have to be in that room as much? That might make you feel better about things.

Anyone want to debate whether or not kids can see stuff like that? Or talk about personal experiences with it?

Changing tone

To Suki and anon and anyone else who hasn't commented but feels a changing tone:

I'm sorry you feel sad and/or marginalized.

I've felt the same changing tone, too. In the beginning, I think people were just so happy to be at a site where they weren't being kicked in the gut for making little decisions that seemed huge at the time but are so minimal (the angst over pacifiers, for instance) that everyone was so nice to each other.

But over the past few years, I think Ask Moxie has gotten a reputation for being a place where anything goes. And, to some degree it is, in that I really do think people are trying to do the best thing for their own kids and it seems all the commenters do, too.

So when I step in, and make what sound like mean posts, or like everyone has to agree with what I say, I do it on two very specific occasions:

1) Advocating spanking and physical abuse as a valid disciplinary method. I do believe it's wrong, and my stance on that is not going to change. I do not look down on any person who spanks. But spanking itself as a valid choice I do not agree with, and I'd hope that people who use spanking specifically could look at other methods. This is never going to be a site that OKs violence against kids.

2) Comments that denigrate other people. And that's what the comment that started this yesterday did. The commenter basically said that moms who fed formula had no right to complain because they should have breastfed. A few months ago there was another comment that came out blazing against a huge segment of the moms who read this blog, and I responded the same way.

The very reason I started this site was so that people wouldn't be denigrated for making the decisions they do. And yet when I patrol the comments it's too mean.

I see a huge difference between being a safe space to confess weaknesses or talk through a process, and being a safe place to judge other people. Remember that this site gets around 40,000 hits a week. That's a lot of people coming to read and comment. Maybe it's just suffering the same fate as the rest of the internet--more posts = judgment.

I really wish we could get back to the days when no one dared to say anything mean about someone else. They expressed opinions, but not in an inflammatory or offensive way.

What's the solution? Should I just let commenters duke it out among themselves? Would that make things feel comfortable like they used to? I'm not sure it would. I feel like I need to step in when someone says something hurtful, or else I'm complicit in the hurt.

Thoughts?

Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving today in the US, so I thought we could all share things we're thankful for. I'll start:

• I'm extremely thankful that I have my health and my two sons.
• I'm thankful that the worst of the divorce is over, and now we're just waiting for the final decree from the court system.
• I'm thankful that I live in a time and place in which I could get a divorce, and not be walking through life merely surviving as so many women have (had) to.
• I'm thankful that I'm safe, and will be able to pay my rent and food next month, and have some left over to buy coffee and popcorn.
• I'm thankful for all of you! And I wish you all enough sleep and enough money to pay your rent/mortgages, and safety, physically and emotionally.
• I'm thankful that as you read this I'm probably eating a cupcake with my brother and his amazing fiancee who I can't wait to be sisters with.
• I'm thankful that my mom and dad (and two grandmothers!) are alive and mostly healthy and are getting to know my sons.
• I'm thankful that we're all still here. This year has been a doozy, both personally and on a world scale.

Now you.

Service Projects for December 2008: Operation Holiday Card and Earth Birth

(Scroll down for today's Q&A.)

It seemed like a daunting task to pick service projects for us to do, until I read what hedra said--we get a holiday season every year. So I'm just picking two for this year, and will pick different ones next year.

If you do not want to participate in either of these projects, please don't feel bad. Just pick something else to support. These are the two projects that struck my fancy this year.

Operation Holiday Card
Operation Holiday Card collects holiday cards to send to American servicepeople at military bases in the Middle East. The cards can be purchased or homemade (please no glitter!) and you should write on the back if the card is for Christmas, Hanukkah, or a general Seasons Greetings card. Since you send the cards to the collection point in the US and the cards are all forwarded together in bunches, people from all over the world can send cards if they'd like to.

Cards must be received by December 3! So this is a project for today or tomorrow, to be in the mail by Wednesday. Send cards to:

Operation Holiday Card
226 Albany Ave
Shreveport, LA 71105

For more information on the project, go to the website.

Earth Birth
From the description on their Facebook group:
"Earth Birth Global Women's Health Collective is a project run by midwives and health care professionals to help mothers in war and trauma affected areas give birth safely and peacefully.

Our pilot program is based in Gulu, Uganda. We are setting up small on site birthing centers in Internally Displaced Person's camps where women can come for comprehensive services, counseling, education and care. We have linked with community organizations and hospitals in these areas to help "child mothers" gain access to jobs, school and childcare so that they can mother with every possible opportunity. Our goals include community sustainability, lowered maternal and infant mortality rates, lowered HIV/AIDS transmission rates from mother to child, access to supplies and local medicine, access to trauma therapy and counseling, the experience of a 'positive' birth to facilitate empowerment and mother/child bonding and the ability to articulate one's story.

The war in Northern Uganda has largely been reproductive. Women have been raped as tools of war and are now giving birth to babies which have historically been abducted as soldiers for the war. Often these women have a hard time bonding with or knowing how to care for their children with limited resources and trauma counseling. The ability to articulate one's story is an integral theme of the Earth Birth project. Women have always told stories as a form of information transmission and ownership of events. To have safe spaces for the sharing of taboo and traumatic events allows for understanding and processing of events in context, ownership of experience and networking among women- all of which are integral to a healthy women's movement and improved practice of motherhood. Our spaces function as a community centers for story circles, workshops in active listening and sharing.

Traditional birth attendants live throughout the IDP camps, most of them victims of war and mothers themselves.The TBA's are currently unemployed and do not have formal training. Our international group of midwives work with the TBAs to develop practices that are community centered, culturally competent and sustainable. These women are the cornerstone of the birthing center sites. The TBA's are offered professional development, training, counseling and jobs."

Earth Birth needs donations of money, and ridiculously small amounts make a huge difference: $10 buys a box of gloves, $50 funds the training of a Traditional Birth Attendant, $300 buys a midwife pack of supplies, and $3500 can supply an entire site.

Reading all this just made me start sobbing. Imagining being raped, and then having no help giving birth, no hope for my future, for the baby, for anything. And then thinking about how elemental and simple and yet deep birth assistance is, and how I can help give these women as good a birth as possible under the circumstances.

Please give, any amount you can: http://www.givemeaning.com/project/zangua

The project is also looking for donations of maternity clothes and baby supplies, but they need to be shipped to Uganda. It's super-expensive for those of us in the US and canada to ship to Uganda, so we should donate to local groups. But if you live near Uganda and have items to donate, send them to:

Earth Birth
C/O St. Monica's Girls Centre

P.O Box 669

Gulu, Uganda

The clothing line LOVEMORE (organic onesies and baby clothes) is also donating 15% of all profits to Earth Birth.

I just donated to Earth Birth, and will be getting cards tomorrow to have my kids sign with me and send to Operation Holiday Card.

Reader call: Music for kids

Clare writes:

I'm hoping you can throw this out to the peanut gallery.  My one year old loves to dance, and he got an iTunes gift card for his birthday.  I'd love suggestions of good songs/albums/artists to download.  My only criteria for kids' music is that I have to be able to listen to it without the kids around (ie, not really kiddie-music a la Barney or even Raffi, but music that appeals to kids).  So, right now, I've got lots of folk (we love Pete Seeger and Arlo Guthrie), bluegrass, Zydeco (for parents of the train-obsessed, Buckwheat Zydeco's Choo Choo Bugaloo is fantastic), Irish/Scottish traditional.  I love the Putumayo albums, but they don't appear to be available on iTunes.  Any and all suggestions welcome.  Thanks!

Ideas? My kids are currently into AC/DC and Heart (from the 70s and 80s), but they're also 6 and 3 instead of 1.

We also listen to lots of Earth, Wind, and Fire, ABBA, Aaron Shust, and anything with either a beat or lots of guitar. Sometimes we just watch Jack's Big Music Show if we're looking for something new and silly.

What do you guys recommend?

Also, iTunes gift card as a present for a one-year-old: Excellent.

Group hug

Holy crap, but you guys are dealing with a ton of stress!

I put up that post yesterday feeling bad about wussing out on a real post, but too fried because of this thing with my friend (and my internet access being down at home for several hours). I had no idea so many of you were going through so much.

I guess this is a real lesson. I know lots of you were really shocked when I announced the divorce, because you thought I had it all together. And I was so nervous about announcing it, because I thought all of you had everything under control in your own lives and would be disappointed in me. And then I thought I was the only one trying to tread water yesterday, but some of you are dealing with so much more than the rest of us had any idea about.

I think it's astounding that we're all doing such a good job holding it together the way we are. It's a testament to how strong we are, even when we don't realize it about ourselves. And I'm glad to be able to make a place where you guys can unload some of it.

Continuing in my haze of lightheartedness...

You guys asked how you could help me.

Obviously, clicking through the ads on the side helps. (Has anyone tried Nads? I'm all in favor of waxing, especially with something that just washes right off. The name though, well, yeah. Let this be a lesson to people naming products to run their potential name past people from other countries.)

And clicking through here before you buy something from Amazon helps, too. I can go through and see what people bought (although I have no idea who bought anything--I just see a listing of the products: fancy cheeses, really nice shoes, movies I've never heard of, a computer, a lawn mower, etc.) and I had no idea you could buy groceries through Amazon. So if you're doing monthly diaper orders, or buying a new Bugaboo, or shoes, or anything else, click through here first.

Also, I'm ready to put up a Cafe Press store, but don't know Photoshop so I can't design the graphics to go on the shirts/mugs/onesies, etc. If there are people who would be willing to take a slogan or two and turn it into a jpg I can put up, that would make my life way easier. (Either that or suggest a good, clear, easy Photoshop tutorial on the web.)

When should we start another 60-day challenge?

My Sally Field moment

Wow.

Wow.

Thank you guys so much. I was not expecting such an outpouring of love. I really don't know why we never get trolls here, and why everyone is just so happy to be here and so supportive of everyone and of me. But it feels really good, every day, and especially yesterday and today.

I woke up yesterday morning knowing that post had auto-posted just feeling so free. A decade of hiding was way too much.

I've had so much love and support IRL, too. When I was in the middle of it, I'd closed off from people. But once I made the decision I decided that if I could trust God I could trust people, and just let myself freefall. What happened then was truly amazing--hands appeared to catch me from all sides, from old friends and new ones. I've never felt as loved--as connected--before in my entire life.

Now some clarifications:

1. No evil person is outing us. An impartial publisher released a book yesterday in which my kids' father has written a piece that mentions the divorce. So you can save your righteous ire for the fight to get that PPD act passed.;-)
2. It makes sense now why I stopped posting on my personal blog. I had nothing to say that wasn't about the process, but I couldn't say that. Maybe I'll start up again...
3. It also makes sense why I suddenly went back to work.
4. If you emailed me to ask how I "do it all" or what my daily schedule is, now you know why I didn't answer.
   
5. Remember my gluten intolerance from fall '06? It went away completely as soon as I told him. (I know!) So I've secretly (from you--the people who know me IRL knew about it) been scarfing down banh mi and chocolate croissants for 17 months now. (In a strange twist, however, I've been off gluten since Sunday, just to see if it's making me bloat slightly. Thank goodness for the gluten free goodness of Kozy Shack rice pudding.)

And now some sad news: Hedra didn't get the job. (She said I could tell you.) I predict that the company that didn't hire her will go bankrupt within 18 months.

Thank you so much for being out there. Your stories help so much.

Cool stuff

Frequent commenter Neil is doing a Flickr project called "Smiles for World Peas" Day on April 12. Take a photo of your child smiling, and then post your photo to the group page or send him the photo (if you don't have a Flickr site) on April 12 (not before or after). Read details here.

Reader and childhood friend Beth tips me off to her mom's friend who writes a blog called 37 Days that talks about what you'd do if you knew you only had 37 days left to live. (Check out the blog to see why 37 days.) It's a celebration of life and about embracing the things you want to do. She's also got a book coming out in the fall based on the 37 days idea, so stay tuned for that.

While we're talking about jumpstarting creativity, has anyone else read The War of Art by Steven Pressfield? I read it on friend Scott's recommendation, and am finding it simple but also strangely motivating in its bluntness. For those of you (and I read your comments on the post Friday about The Ten-Year Nap, so I know you're out there) who feel like there's still some passion there but you're having problems re-igniting it even once you're getting a grip on the kid-flow thing, it might be a place to start. And it's in short chapters, so you can read a bit at a time, while your kid naps, or while you're on the bus.

And, if you're still cool enough to see live music, check out my friend's project WhoTours.com, which collects tour info from around the web so you can set up favorites and get notifications whenever your favorite bands are going to be playing near you. If you're not cool enough to see live music anymore, pass it on to your younger siblings.

What have you guys found that's cool and of interest?

Sleep posts

You know what I think is funny about the comments on sleep posts here?

That different posts totally bring out commenters with different situations. Some posts draw tons of "try co-sleeping!" comments. Some draw "read Pantley!" comments. Some draw "read Ferber!" comments. Some draw "do CIO!" comments.

Which just goes to show you (or me, at least), that there is no one right answer for everyone. I've been fumbling toward trying to find some classification system so that we could make some kind of checklist and you could observe different aspects of your kid and then know which "method" (can you really call anything that makes you cry at 3 am a method?). Wouldn't that be awesome? Observe and answer these 50 questions about your kid, and then you'll know exactly how to proceed. (The "tension increaser" vs. "tension decreaser" observation was the first step in my plan for a taxonomy of sleep personalities and issues.)

Unfortunately, all we have to go on now is trying to figure out exactly what the problem is (going to sleep initially? staying asleep? nursing at night? waking early? all of the above?) and then trying different things to fix it until you either find something that works or pack the kid off to boarding school.

Remember that there are tons of things to try before you resort to doing something that isn't in your comfort zone (I'd put co-sleeping and true CIO--letting the child cry alone until s/he falls asleep no matter how long it takes--in those category of things that people might not be comfortable with). The Ferber method (not that he made it up, of course, but no one's great-great-great-great-great-great grandma wrote a book about it) of allowing the baby to cry for short chunks of time and then going in to check and make contact is one of them. In fact, the surefire way to tell if your baby is a tension decreaser who needs to cry some to fall asleep is to walk out and let the baby cry for 5-10 minutes and see what happens. That sounds a lot like Ferber to me. (If the baby starts to lose steam and quiet down, you've got a tension decreaser.)

If you've got the baby in the same room with one of you, try switching who the baby's with. A baby who nurses all night on mom might sleep the whole night through with dad. If the baby's in the same room, try switching the baby to a different room. Or vice versa.

In other words, if the pattern is bad, figure out exactly what part is bad, and try changing the structure of it. Sometimes just small changes will break the pattern.

The other thing that's really important to know is that no matter what you do, it's not going to stick. If you sleep train, you'll have to do it again, after sleep regressions and big teething spurts. If you co-sleep, you'll have to re-evaluate every time your kid goes through some developmental spurt and starts kicking you in the kidneys all night. So don't feel too smug or too desperate, because there's always someone better off and worse off than you are right now.

Anyone want to post something that either helped or hurt your kid's sleep that surprised you?

I'll go first.

Son #1: Went through a phase around the age of 2 in which he'd go to sleep just fine, but would then wake up screaming an hour later. It took a few weeks, but eventually we figured out that he was having heartburn/indigestion from eating tomato products at dinner! We put the kibosh on all tomatoes after 3 pm, and he stopped waking that first night.

Son #2: Wanted to nurse all night long with me. I went to sleep out on the couch and left him sleeping with his dad and he slept the whole night through. Occam's Razor in action: if I was there, he'd nurse; if I was gone, he wouldn't.

Now you go.