Ask Moxie

Archivist Alison gets her own site

For those of you who couldn't get enough of Archivist Alison and her posts on organizing, archiving, and saving vs. purging, your wishes have come true. She's now writing her own blog, with the tag line "Information is worth little without context."

Check it out. And check out her new "Five Minutes with Archivist Alison" spots on the Jumping Monkeys podcast.

The vise generation

I'm slowly reading through the comments, and am finding them very helpful. And I'm feeling lucky, too, because it sounds like many of your parents felt like each time with you, or each big event, was very high-stakes. I don't. We're each going to see them all the time. Literally, as close to every day as practical with our jobs and locations. So there's no reason in my mind to fight or make them choose about holidays and events and stuff like that.

I grew up seeing my paternal grandfather at least twice a week, and going to his house and playing with him all day long. It wasn't until I was much older that I found out that my grandfather had been viciously mean to my mother and they had a hard time being nice to each other. So I grew up with that example, that even if my mother didn't want to spend time with my grandfather, she knew he was important to us and that he would never deliberately hurt us, and that he could be someone with us that he didn't have the ability to be with her. So she let us spend as much time as we wanted to with him. And she was able to protect us from knowing the tension and pain in their relationship until we were old enough to be able to understand it without taking it on ourselves.

The whole point for me is to stop them from being steeped in dysfunction, and let them grow up seeing functional relationships. Which is a segue into hydrogeek's comment, and what I hope we can talk about today:

"Sorta on this topic, though, it seems like the generation of people who are responsible for their kids and increasingly, their parents, have the short stick. I know this is nothing new, except possibly the fact that people are living longer and longer, so there are more generations alive at the same time. (We have 4 generations on 3 sides of the family right now!) While this is awesome in some respects, because my kids get to know their great-grandparents, it does cause this whole new set of stresses. Any chance of a post about that?"

Enu and other brought this up when we were talking about adult-child relationship a few weeks ago. And I don't have any answers. My parents are caught between elderly mothers and adult children going through major transitions. At the same time, I'm caught between my kids and my parents and our shifting relationships. If we all lived together it would be much easier to deal with the physical things (medical stuff, babysitting, etc.) but probably way more complicated emotionally. In general, I think my family has it pretty easy because we're all able to acknowledge each others' whole person as we deal with stuff.

But what do you have to say? What conflicts and tensions are you going through, being caught between conflicting needs? Are the problems mostly logistical or emotional? Is the transition of power and decision-making easy for your family, or a huge source of tension?

Data points, please

So things are moving along in my life. Which means I need to think about things that are going to be helpful to the kids after the divorce and splitting of the households. I'm hoping you guys can tell me things that you did if you divorced that you thought were good, or things that you wish you'd done differently. If your parents divorced, please talk about what they did that was good or bad, and what you wished had happened after the divorce that didn't, or things you think your parents did right.

You can post whatever you want here, but just so you know, the kids are going to see each of us almost every day and we don't have any reason to badmouth the other one (and we wouldn't even if we did). And we don't have the money to try to bribe the kids with toys, and neither of us have any problems saying no to things the kids ask for that aren't possible. So all the big problems you hear about--loss of contact, sniping and bad-mouthing, and bribery and spoiling out of guilt--shouldn't be issues. I'm looking for stuff that is smaller and wouldn't necessarily occur to a parent. Although, of course, you're welcome to post anything you want, especially if it gives you the chance to get it off your chest.

Oh, and sorry for two divorce-related topics in a row! Tomorrow is another day.

Q&A: toddler preference and blended families

Greeting from blazing hot San Antonio. Anon has a tough two-parter today and I hope we can help her. As painful and frustrating as this divorce process for me has been, I've always felt lucky that my kids' dad is his best self with/for them. My heart really goes out to those of you with dicey father situations. I hope we can help Anon:

The talk about toddler preferences for parents really hit a nerve this week, and I wonder of some of the other single or almost-single parents out there may be able to offer some wisdom.  I am a single parent of an 18-month-old boy, and have been thinking about this topic a lot lately.  My son's dad plays with him about twice a week at my house, but isn't emotionally stable or organized enough to take him anywhere alone.  We haven't been a couple since I was three months' pregnant, so this is all DS knows.  He LOVES his dada and is so excited when he comes to play, and they have a great time together.  His father doesn't come over when he isn't doing well, and hasn't made an effort to have longer or more independent visits, so DS hasn't been exposed to the scary temper or other issues that kept me from marrying his dad.  As far as he knows, dada is an awesome loving wonderful presence in his life.  Since DS was born I have worked hard to find the good in his dad and find ways to facilitate their relationship under the circumstances.  I know that eventually DS will become aware of some of the problems his dad struggles with, and I can't fully protect him from that, but I can and do strive to keep him safe from the physically scary stuff.  So question # 1 is, is anyone else out there in a similar situation, and do they have any advice or thoughts about how to make this work?  On my very best days, I can imagine that with a lot of structure and some limits, they will have a mostly positive, joyful relationship, and I will be somehow able to move on in my own life and build a family around me and DS.  On my bad days, it seems impossible to figure out how we will all get through this. 

My other, related question is about stepfathers and how they figure into a boy toddler's life.  I have been thinking I would like to start dating, but I'm having trouble envisioning the role a new man would play in my son's life.  Another father?  An uncle?  Does step-dad always play second fiddle when there is a bio-dad in the picture?  My son's father is emotionally impaired in ways that I think will make it hard for him to have a primary care relation-giver relationship with DS unless something drastically changes or he marries a very stable woman who can help.  And I really feel as if DS needs fathering his bio-dad can't provide, but every time I try to imagine a new boyfriend, in my mind he turns into chopped liver whenever bio-dad shows up.  Not really a great bonding scenario for a new guy.  I am so ready for a partner, friend and lover to share this life with, but I keep getting stuck when I try to visualize it. Can kids really have more than two parents?  Do they always feel like they have to choose (I know I did)? Can step-parents be "real" parents or are they always secondary? Is it already too late for my son to fully bond with another parent?  If they never deeply bond, how on earth could we ever be a real family?

Help! I want to move forward but I'm getting stuck on this.  Can anyone out there offer me some hope for how a blended family like this might work?

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will be able to get through this. For two reasons: 1) You have to, and 2) You're smart and resourceful and you'll do what you need to for your son to be safe and also have as much of a relationship with his father as he can. I'm going to tell you what my mom has said to me dozens of times over the past year and a half:

"Thousands of women have done this, even when they didn't think they could. You can do this, too, honey, and I'm so proud of you."

I may have slightly better advice about the second half of your questions, about a hypothetical future stepdad (HFS). Kids have room in their minds and hearts and lives for all kinds of adults in all kinds of roles. Many kids grow up with two grandmothers and don't confuse them. Some kids grow up with four or more grandmothers! Kids have room for full-time babysitters in their hearts along with moms and dads, custodial aunts and moms in jail, grandparents they never see because they live around the world, and blended families of all kinds.

As long as an adult loves your child and respects him as a person, they'll be able to form a relationship.

HFS is going to understand that you and your son are a package, and that loving you means loving him, so you'll be able to work it out. It may not be super-easy, but is love and forming a family ever easy? There are tons and tons of resources out there for blending families and step-parenting to help you. (I'm not there yet, but once I start dating again I'll do some real research and report back.)

They are going to end up working out the dynamics of their own relationship, which is what you want for them to be able to have a true relationship without you as the gatekeeper, anyway.

Also, and this is merely anecdotal, I haven't found that men (the good ones anyway) seem to shy away from a woman with a child (or two). Even long before I was even thinking about getting back out there I started getting approached by guys for whom my being a mom seemed to be part of the attraction. So don't feel like this is going to limit the future you're going to have.

Any advice from women who have been in either or both situation?

Scheduling and allotting chores around the house

Yesterday you guys were asking about dividing up and scheduling chores around the house, so I figured we should do an entire post on that. I'm not making this a Q&A because I have little practical knowledge of how to divide up chores in a way that makes everyone feel OK about it. I know what I think should happen, but I'll leave the actual advice to those of you who have functional relationships.

What I think should happen is that each partner does their work (whether it's paid work or childcare work) and then the partners split the other chores 50/50. That doesn't mean that you keep a log and alternate who washes dishes, but that the total tasks that need to be done end up being done so each of you has an approximately equal share. So if one of you is fine with laundry and the other hates it, the person who doesn't hate it does it, and the other one does something else.

To me, the key assumption here is that child care is actual work. Which, duh, of course it is. (In Manhattan, it's work that gets paid at $15 an hour for one child.) And, yes, it's certainly possible to get a load of dishes or laundry done during the day (if you're home all day and have your own washer and dryer), just as it's possible to be a novelist or academic or other person who works full-time at home and do some chores during the day. The same way it's possible to be someone who works in an office all day and pay some bills online, schedule doctor appointments, and do some online shopping. But you can't do chores to the detriment of your primary job, whether it's writing technical manuals or trading bonds or caring for a three-year-old. That leaves most of the chores for "non-work" hours.

So, those of you who have or are working this out, what have you done? How often do you readjust and reassign? (I'm assuming that all this stuff changes as the size of the family changes, kids get older, job situations change, etc.) Those of you for whom it's not working, have you identified ways you could make it work better for everyone? (I can't really recommend divorce as a solution, although it has, technically, eliminated the problem.) Is the problem something you can change easily, like by hiring a bi-weekly cleaner? Or is this part of a bigger issue?

Q&A: Work scheduling for freelancing couple?

At the Twin Cities meet-up, Amy was wondering about scheduling. She's a SAH/WAHM who does freelancing, and her husband is a teacher. He's off for the summer, so they're both picking up extra work.

They went into it thinking it was going to be awesome--he spends time with the kids while she works, then she spends time with the kids while he works, they each get 20 hours of work done a week, it's more relaxed, the kids have so much parent time, etc. Then the first week was a disaster. Not an emotional disaster, just in terms of trying to actually get the work done. So there were good results there to modify the plan.

Amy also came up with some things she hadn't thought so much about but now realized were important, one of which was that she and her husband wanted only to work during the actual work day (for them that's 8-5).

So we were all talking through it (those of us here have a huge gamut of work schedule experience) and this is what we came up with:

1. Plan the week's work schedule in advance--who's working when. If possible, assign shifts: 8-noon, and 1-5. Vary shifts so no one gets stuck with the non-nap shift or the nap shift all the time.

2. Schedule non-work (meaning non-paid-work AND non-childcare) events the same way you do during the year, meaning use a babysitter if you need to go to the doctor or do some other errand you can't take the kids along for.

3. Keep clear in your mind that being in charge of kids is a job, and you can't double-book with your paid work. So don't even be tempted to do it, as it will only lead to confusion.

4. This kind of split schedule with a partner isn't going to work if you or your partner are averse to scheduling and sticking to a schedule when temptation is there.

I know there have to be couples out there who do fit their work around each other like this, whether they freelance, own their own businesses, are academics, etc. What do you think? Have you come up with good solutions?

Getting along with your parents as an adult, part 5: Four ideas about parenting your kids better than you were parented

1. Parenting in reaction to the way your parents interacted with you means their failure still controls you.

It's tempting to look at the things your parents did that hurt you and vow to do the opposite. But when you do that, it means your parents are dictating the way you parent your own kids. So they (and the things they did or didn't do that hurt you) are still controlling you.

One of the running themes I've noticed is parents who didn't seem to see who their kids were or what they really needed. Parenting the opposite from the way your parents did puts you in prime position to do this to your own kids, because you're not focusing on your kids as individuals--you're reparenting yourself instead. My mom laughed about this when I was maybe 6 or 7 and we were at the shoe store. She wanted me to get black patent Mary Janes, but I wanted the brown lace-ups. Finally I broke down and wailed, "Mo-om, I don't want the fancy shoes!"  My mom stopped, thought, and realized that when she was that age, she'd always wanted the fancy shoes, but her mother had always made her get the sensible shoes (she already had 2 or 3 younger siblings by that point, so the shoes had to last). So she was forcing me to get the fancy shoes because those were the shoes she'd always wished she'd gotten but could never have.

That's obviously a trivial example, but it does show how you can do this stuff without even thinking about it. But once you do think about it, and expose it, you're not held hostage by it anymore.

Instead, by identifying and releasing what happened to you, you're saying "This wasn't healthy." Then you can calmly figure out what is healthy and start there with your own kids.

2. Giving your children what you didn't get from your parents won't make up for what you didn't get and it won't make it OK. But it's better than repeating the cycle, and it gives you a good relationship with your kids.

If your parents aren't capable of it, you will never get what you need/ed from them. There isn't anything you can do about that. Let yourself grieve/rage/sob.

Even being the best parent you can possibly be won't bring back what you lost from your parents. But at least you know you're not doing to your kids what was done to you. And you're also creating the connection, space, and boundaries necessary for a healthy relationship and closeness with them for the rest of their lives (even though they'll eventually leave you physically).


3. There is no such thing as perfection. But you can do better than your parents did. And you'll hope your kids do better than you did.

My mom is not a perfect mother. From her point of view, she yelled too much. (She pretty much did. Although sometimes we deserved it.) She had other imperfections, too. But she parented me better than her own mother parented her, and my grandmother parented my mom exponentially (truly miraculously) better than her own parents parented her.

That's what's supposed to happen. It is absolutely not possible for you to parent your children perfectly. No matter what you do, they're going to be screwed up somehow. But if you can do better than your own parents did, you're honoring your children. (Those of us with parents who are pretty healthy have probably already heard them say some version of "I know you'll do a better job with your kids than I did with you" and mean it.)

So good news for those of you who got a truly raw deal--you have plenty of room to make some huge mistakes and still have your kids come out of it saying "I have no idea how my mom was such a great mom, especially considering how she was raised."

4. You have the ability to get a reality check.

Something our parents, isolated in their houses and apartments, never had. The internet is here so we can talk to each other and say things like "I freaked out on my toddler in the middle of the night and am afraid I've ruined everything" and there will be people there to tell you to apologize to her and start again in the morning. Or, conversely, to let you know that it's not a realistic expectation that your 4-month-old be able to entertain himself for an hour at a time.

A friend of mine grew up with a mother who never quite recovered from her divorce and was quite bitter about it. My friend said she wanted a healthy marriage and family, so when she was in high school she started spending time at the homes of friends with together parents and happy home lives. And she paid attention to everything and filed it away. She knew she was going to need to see it modeled if she wanted to replicate it. Super-smart cookie, my friend. She knew the danger of being stuck in a feedback loop with only yourself, so she started building a file of reality checks for herself long before she needed them.

Ok, what am I forgetting?

Getting along with your parents as an adult, part 4: More on expectations and hurt

Sorry for the late posting today--I've got a nasty head cold and fell asleep last night when the kids did. I had the amazing realization this morning that I can actually take cold medicine, though, as I'm not nursing anymore. I'm about to pop some cold meds for the first time since 2001 (Last time I was neither pregnant nor nursing). Woo-hoo!

Anyway, I should have predicted that we'd need 5 days instead of just 4 to deal with this topic. I'm not sure we're done with the parents part yet and are ready to go to implications for parenting our own kid. At least I'm not. So I'm going to hit some of the topics that came up yesterday. Then tomorrow (a Saturday post!) I'll put up my thoughts on parenting your own kids. I'll leave that up all weekend, and post something kind of short and light weight on Monday so we can still chew on it.

Yesterday enu and hedra were saying that they don't use the word "owe" in terms parents and adult children. While i absolutely see their point, I disagree and definitely use the word "owe" to talk about the relationship in the parent-to-child direction. For me, the bottom line is always going to be that the parent chose (inasmuch as there was an actual choice possible) to have and raise the child. No child ever chooses to be born or who its parents are. Which means there's automatically a huge imbalance, and that sets up an obligation on the part of the parent to provide certain things for the child. Respect, food, shelter, love, clothes, education, socialization, and cultural values are what I think the absolute basics are.

Now, what you owe your kids when they're adults completely varies, depending on the culture you're raised in, but also on how you parented when your kids were younger. There are some families in which kids are expected to leave the house when they're 18. That may sound harsh to some people. But if the parents in those families taught the children how to financially support themselves so that by the time they were 18 they were able to leave without falling into poverty, then the system completely works. (Some of the most resourceful people I know were lovingly kicked out at 18, but they were also raised to be independent thinkers who land on their feet too often for it to be luck.)

If, however, you do nothing to prep your kids for the world and kick them out at age 18, then IMO you're not fulfilling your responsibilities as a parent. (remember a few years ago when the media was all over the "boomerang generation" of 20-somethings who were living with their parents? It wasn't the logistics that bugged people--it was that the adult kids either weren't technically equipped to live alone or were lacking the drive to separate that bugged people.)

So again with the paradox--the more completely your parents fulfilled their responsibilities when you were young, the less they "owe" you as an adult. Or at least the less difficult personally it is to provide what they owe you.

But, and this is a big but (oh, yeah!), if the parent doesn't have good emotional reserves when the kids need them, it's really hard for them to give it to the kids. I've experienced this myself over the last few years. There was a time in which the only thing I had going for me was my kids (and this blog) and I could put all my focus on them, but it wasn't the focus of a healthy person with good self-esteem. It was the pure and complete love of a broken person. And then when I made the move to get out, I just felt so free! It was like everything was technicolor. I was giddy all the time. And I started figuring out all these things about myself, who I am, what I like, what I want from life. And I realized that it would be really easy to lose that intense connection to my kids if I went with the urge to flip myself inside out to start rebuilding my life. But I was so lucky in that I've never associated my children with the misery of my life. So I was able to keep that connection while also stretching out to find my new life.

I think women who maybe were ambivalent about having kids in the first place and who had fewer choices than I do and don't analyze everything that comes down the pike the way my mom trained me to and who felt like the kids were part of the Great Sadness, well, I think it feels to them like a choice between themselves and their kids.

But let's move on to knowing why the behavior is there and setting boundaries and still being so, so hurt by it. I absolutely love what Sharon Silver said in this comment:

"Dealing with parents, now that you are a parent, may mean that you have to share:

• I am adult and I need my boundaries to be acknowledged and respected.
• I know this may/will hurt you, but I can’t be near you if you choose to treat my children in a way that is not in alignment with the way I am raising them.
• I need a break from you while I feel my feelings about this and the moment I am clear about my feelings I will share them with you.
• My choices and behavior have nothing to do with you, even if it makes you feel like I’m making you wrong in some way.

And if your choice to draw a boundary results in them rejecting you for a while, know this:
• All you’re doing is taking responsibility for your choices, words and actions, it is YOUR life now.
• Realize they are responsible for their choices, words and actions too, even if they don’t know or take that responsibility.
The choices people make speak volumes about them. Their choices are THEIR statements about a situation and you can’t change it even if you want to."

Notice that none of what she said means that it doesn't hurt you anymore. There's a big gaping mom-sized wound some of you are carrying around. Or dad-sized wound. I will never be "over" my dad's illness (lifelong clinical depression that he's never really been able to get on top of despite oodles of meds) and how that's affected our relationship. It still makes me cry sometimes, and wish I could fix everything for him and us and myself as a kid and him as a kid and just all of it.

But knowing that you're giving yourself what your parents owe you by caring enough for yourself (and your kids!) to draw some boundaries, even when the hurt is still there like a rock in your shoe, well, that's more than many people ever get to. And, it means that you get to spare your kids this same hurt.

Hey--the cold meds are working! But now I'm crying again about my dad. Please keep talking. Am I full of it? Does anyone have a step-by-step plan for moving through the pain? Do you feel lucky to have your parents? (I do.) Why are all the smartest, most sensitive people on the internet commenting on my site? Who needs a brownie right now?

Getting along with your parents as an adult, part 3: The adult child's responsibility

Some notes about Num-Num and my mom's posts: Let's remember that they're posting these things now, in hindsight. So they're summaries of all the things they tried to do over the years, not a daily To Do list.

(3 am: Be thrilled to see preschooler when she screams "Mama! I had a nightmare! Can I come sleep with you?"
6:30 am: Wake up and tell husband joke, just to show you haven't lost yourself and the sense of humor that attracted him.
9 am: Laugh. Then laugh some more.
9:10 am: Share faith and values. Use finger puppets.
10 am: When you accidentally break off side mirror on car while handing sippy cup to kid strapped into back seat while backing up because you're late to doctor's appointment, be sure to say "Well, that was a good experiment, wasn't it?" instead of "Fucking fuck!"
1 pm: Perfect brownie recipe.)

I read somewhere that with parenting, 70% is perfect. Hitting your ideals and goals 70% of the time means you're doing everything right. That's something to think about as you step on a Matchbox car or Polly Pocket in your bare feet.

Oh, and that Brenda lady who wrote about entertaining your kids can bite me. Hard. Twice. I can't imagine my mom "entertaining" me. What she did was do a lot of writing with her manual typewriter on the end of the dining table. And when I came to talk to her she'd get me to dictate and then she'd type up my poem or whatever I'd told her. (She wanted me to understand that my words were worth writing down.) Num-Num told me that she wasn't a down-on-the-floor-playing kind of mom, but fortunately she was raising her son in the city, so they'd go out and walk, and she'd go as slow as her son wanted to go, and she'd answer all his questions to the best of her ability.

There are all sorts of ways to let your child know that s/he matters. Most of them don't require being perfect, or even all that competent.

But on to the promised topic for today: Your responsibilities as an adult child.

I think there are two things that adult children have a responsibility to do to/for/with our parents:

1. Try to understand as much as possible what's motivating them, and
2. Figure out where our boundaries are and enforce them.

Trying to figure out why they're acting like they do

Figuring out what's motivating a parent can benefit both of you if the relationship is basically healthy. If the relationship isn't essentially sound, figuring out what's motivating your parent will help you far more than it'll help the parent.

It's important to note that understanding why your parent acts the way s/he does toward you (and your kids and everyone else) doesn't mean that you either blame them or absolve them of responsibility. It just means that you allow yourself to see your parent, the behavior, and your interactions as part of a system instead of just as random events. It's unbelievably freeing to realize that it's not just something about you that makes your parent act that way.

I think some a good examples of this from the comments is hush's comment on Num-Num's post about her aunt faking illness to get away from hush's mom and how that made hush realize that it wasn't her fault but was something her mom was dealing with instead. And that she couldn't change it. Knowing is at least half the battle.

It's also possible that when you figure out the motivation behind the behavior you can figure out how to switch things up so the issue disappears. I think that tons of the critical words parents level on their adult children about parenting decisions are because the parents feel indicted by the different decisions their children make. I mean, think about it--when our parents were raising us they were told to take speed during pregnancy so they didn't gain too much weight, to start rice cereal at 2 or 3 weeks, and that crying was important because it "exercised our lungs." If now they're being told that the things they did with us were bad, then a certain number of them are going to end up feeling guilty or bad about that, and like we're judging them. Even the idea that now we put babies to sleep on their backs can seem like we're judging our parents! If your mom is already having a hard time figuring out how she feels about being a grandmother (because being a grandmother means she's old, right?), and is conflicted about your taking the ultimate step toward independence and also replacing her, then how crappy is she going to feel that apparently now everything she did with you was wrong?

Obviously that doesn't give her license to be a jerk to you.  But it's possible that you could increase connection between the two of you by treating her as just another mom who was doing the best for her kid with what she knew at the time, and specifically asking her what they were told to do back then. Then discuss how experts have changed over the years. Keeping it on the level of "of course we all do what the latest research tells us to do because we want to do the right thing" makes it less personal and more about how science and research have advanced over the years. It wouldn't hurt to bring up the idea that when your baby is grown they'll probably do things differently than you're doing them now, too.

Or you might realize that knowing why it's happening makes it not bother you so much. In the case of a parent who is having problems with the idea of being a grandparent because it means getting old, just knowing that might be enough to make it not bother you so much. After all, it's hard to be shoved into a new role, but most people grow into it eventually. If it's bugging you but not really hurting your feelings irreparably, maybe knowing it'll pass eventually is enough.

The kicker here, of course, is that all this figuring out, making connection, and cutting slack is easier for the people who already have good relationships with their parents. So for pete's sake, don't feel guilty if you can't even conceive of what it would be like for your mom's problem with becoming a grandmother not to bother you. If your parents didn't lay the groundwork for an open, healthily-connected relationship with you, then there's not much you can do about it, except for...

Setting boundaries

Holly commented yesterday:

"I find the recurring theme of "boundaries" interesting from both yesterday's and today's post. Probably someone who is able to "give up her own self" for her children (or spouse), will later not respect the "self of the adult child." If you don't have boundaries for yourself, how will you help create and allow boundaries for your child?"

So by choosing and setting boundaries not only are you giving your parent a shot at at least one normal healthy relationship, you're also helping reestablish a baseline for yourself. Which, in turn, is going to help you be a better parent and help your children as well. Because when your kids are adults, none of you will be in distress about the boundaries, because you did all the heavy lifting right now.

Again, this is going to be easier if you already have a good relationship with your parent. (Which means your parent understood or worked on developing healthy boundaries, and was able to communicate that to you in at least some part.)

For those of you that are basically working alone and starting from scratch, here are some questions I'd start asking myself to help sort out where to start:

• What can I reasonably get from my parent?
• Is that enough?
• If not, is there someplace else I can get that so I'm able to let go of the need to get it from my parent?
• What am I willing to give up to get something from my parent?
• If I take steps to setting some boundaries, do I have a way to check myself so I don't get guilted or manipulated into abandoning those boundaries just to keep peace or win approval?
• Am I prepared for short-term anger and hostility when I start to draw some boundaries?
• Is there anyone else who knows my parent who can help me troubleshoot and back me up in my plan?

It sounds kind of stark and non-organic to have to look at it as a transaction. But as Kenny Rogers says, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run."*

I'm imagining it wouldn't hurt, if your relationship with your parent is seriously labyrinthine, to read some stuff about negotiating, like Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. (OK, this is hilarious: When I went to get the Amazon link I searched "getting to yes" and the book right under the GTY book is entitled Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy? So you're not alone, apparently.)

This may mean limiting the amount of time you spend with your parents, or limiting the location. A friend recently hit upon the brilliant idea of doing a Family Vacation with her in-laws every year to someplace like Disneyworld because then the jockeying for superiority over who was hosting is lessened. Her in-laws are still horrible, but not having them in her house or being held hostage in theirs is enough to make visits bearable. And her kids get to spend time with their grandparents while making happy memories. (We'll talk about protecting your kids from your parents' bad behavior tomorrow.)

Since you've already figured out why your parents act the way they do, you're released from the idea that you "should" do one thing or the other. It's all part of a system, right? Not you being a Good Daughter. So you can make decisions about what you can accept based on reality instead of living up to an unattainable ideal.

Of course it may also mean that you give up on what was your dream for a close relationship, and maintain perfunctory contact, but get your emotional needs met someplace else. You are a worthwhile person and your kids are amazing--there are plenty of people who would be thrilled to become your extended family. Sometimes the idea of walking away to save yourself is worse than actually doing it.

Holy crap, that was long. But this is important. Comments?


* If you end up with that song in your head for the rest of the day, I apologize sincerely. If it makes you feel any better I probably can't shake it either.

Getting along with your parents as an adult, part 2: More on the parent's responsibility

Hold on--today's post is super-super-long. Grab a cup of coffee before you start reading.

Yesterday we heard from Num-Num on the parent's responsibility to an adult child. Today's guest is my mom, who, like me, is a little on the long-winded side. I asked her to write the post because she and I have a great relationship and my adult brother and his girlfriend like and trust her, too. She's a Christian, and that comes out in the piece she wrote for me, so beware if that'll offend you and skip over those parts. She writes:

How To Mother Your Child So You Can be Adult Friends
Four Easy Rules, Plus a Lot of Ruminations
by Moxie's Mom

1. Love your kid to bits. Unconditionally. 

2. Don't expect her to be an extension of you. Keep boundaries to let her be her own person. Respect her as a person. And take delight in finding out who she is, and how she is.

3. Don't be afraid of your kid's exceeding you. Take pride and pleasure in your kids' being better than you! 

4. Be selfish enough to want them to embrace your values and your faith. Work to achieve this, then toss it out there. Let them soar! And pray that they are better than you.

For the first, let me say that I did not set out to be my daughter's friend. I loved her to bits and was the best mother I knew how to be. In retrospect, the "method" went something like this:

Love Respect Share Care Treasure Thank Encourage Nurture Listen

Love 'em to bits.

Remember where parental authority comes from. We are stand-ins for God.
"The steadfast love of the LORD endures forever."

Steadfast Endure Do not expect an end.

Care for/love yourself in order to better do the same for your kids. For the "terrible twos" you need to get enough sleep and not over schedule yourself.

Never forget what it's like to be a kid.

Make/take time to do your favorite things. Allow your kids to know what tickles your fancy. Cultivate humor--family jokes.

Laugh with, not at. Laugh often. Laugh with abandon and delight.

Say "I love you." Say it again.

Be glad to see one another.

Light up when your child comes into the room.*

Show as much courtesy to your children as you would to your visiting clergyman! Yes, please. No, thank you. Here, I'll get that door. Do you need a hand? Oh, thank you; I needed that!

Be reasonably frank about who you are. Not Superwoman. But retain dignity.

Putting yourself down in front of your kids is dangerous. NEVER do it!

Allow yourself and others to make mistakes without losing face. Turn mistakes and wrong choices into learning experiences.

Analyze Discuss Evaluate Plan

Make extravagant plans. Make small plans. Plan surprises. Plan parties. Plan gifts. Plan projects for the good of the community. Build dreams. Acknowledge them for what they are: dreams. And then brainstorm what it would take to change them into realistic goals.

Indulge in "what-ifs."

Be creative. Ask open-ended questions. Experiment. Play word games. Challenge one another. Rent movies and share the Kleenex box! Cook for one another. Cook together.

Show consideration. Expect it in return.

Raising children to be selfish does no one any favors.

Let your children participate in your "good works." How many bouquets and loaves of fresh bread I delivered to neighbors and single schoolteachers throughout my childhood! How many Sundays I was sent to answer the door and entertain dinner guests until my mom was ready to call people to the dinner table (which I had helped to set)!

Give fair rewards. Praise when deserved. I still have a doll quilt Mom gave me as thanks for helping cut out forty-leven quilt blocks, which she sewed into doll quilts for the church bazaar. I was about seven, and took satisfaction from being entrusted with an important task, as well as knowing the pleasure of teamwork with my mom. I heard the bazaar lady exclaim over how pretty the quilts were, and I knew we'd done it together. But Mom decided to give me one for helping**. I remember being a little bit mystified. You see, I had already internalized her way of taking satisfaction from the doing, the giving, the anticipation of others' pleasure, the creative process, the Lord's work.

I think it's important to your relationship to keep on being yourself, even after your self becomes also "Mama." There is something unhealthy about "giving up" your life or "sacrificing" for your children. I don't mean you shouldn't make the child the center of your life at the appropriate time. But you rob the child, as well as yourself, of all those interesting talents, hobbies, foibles and quirks in your personality if you abandon your sense of self--humor, whimsy and all that attracted your spouse. Indulge your kooky side, don't pass yourself off as infallible--what a shock to the poor kid the day she discovers that lie!

Have a personality and allow your child to have one, too. Encourage and appreciate, applaud and chastise. But beware the urge to "mold." Especially when she's grown up and it's too late!

Share your faith. Practice it with your child.

Love Example Let go Pray Stand by

Never stop loving.

Have I said anything about respecting privacy? This is a touchy area, because there are some times and some topics where intervention is necessary--a breach of privacy, I suppose. Yet, even before the child has become adult, for a mom to honor her need to keep some things to herself--just may result in a smoother relationship because both sides "hold their tongues."

When it comes right down to it, to be a good friend you need to feed and nurture, love and respect. And if you want your child to grow up to be a friend, you need to start early with love and respect. Give as much freedom as is age-appropriate. it is far more rewarding to have your child come back freely than to come only out of guilt.

Guilt is one kind of obligation, a destructive one practiced by those working out of grasping and mean-spirited impulses. A better sense of obligation is the one built on love and gratitude, and a sense of duty to those with whom one allies. So a loved, respected child, by example, is likely to lavish love and respect back, and seek the company of that wellspring. Yet a child made to feel guilty and that he owes his parents can only struggle to pay what is due despite the crummy way he feels. He makes contact reluctantly. And that, too, makes him feel guilty. Controlling by guilt is a good way to drive your adult children away.

Be merciful. Apologize when appropriate. Forgive freely, yet uphold standards. Don't change the rules to make bad behavior "right." Your first job is to be a good parent, which means you teach the rules of living. You mustn't de-classify a sin for the sake of avoiding controversy, for being a friend. It doesn't work. In the end, it feels better to be called to account and forgiven. That is freeing.

AND LAST OF ALL,
Once your kids are adults, hold your tongue until asked.

Thank you for making me examine the subject. I feel very blessed to have such forgiving kids. I wasn't always as exemplary as I would like to recall. I was a yeller. And I'm sorry.

I have been very blessed.

Love,

Mom

One of the things I've always liked about my mom is that she's very deliberate and specific about showing the process. It's all a learning experience. I know that's what's let me be so forgiving of my own parenting mistakes and helped me see it all as a process of continuous improvement. No failures, only data points.

Tomorrow we're going to talk about being on the adult child side of things. I'm not an expert on this, only having one mom to deal with, but I can tell you some of the things I've observed.

Did my mom's post strike anything with you?

* My mom is good at being delighted over the phone, too. Every time I call she sounds like I'm calling to tell her she won the lottery.

** I'd never heard this story before she wrote it here. But it doesn't surprise me--when I was about 4 I helped her lay out some quilt blocks to make a quilt for my older cousin. I didn't know that Mom was making a matching one for me, too. When I opened the package with my quilt in it I looked at her and said, "But that's Kimmy's quilt!" I was so surprised and so happy when she told me we'd made one for me, too.