Ask Moxie

Q&A: Keeping kids safe on social networking sites

I am not even going to pretend to know the answer to this question, but I thought I'd bring it up and see if we could come up with anything. It's actually a bunch of questions I've gotten from readers with children of different ages, but it all seems to be part of the same issue of keeping our kids safe on the internet.

I got a couple of questions about sites like Club Penguin, in which the kids create characters and their characters can interact with characters created by other players. My 6 1/2-year-old plays CP, and I have to say that it looks safe to me. The things the characters can say to each other are pretty locked down, and you can report other players for saying things they shouldn't.

Again, the real key seems to be keeping the computer in a common area so you can monitor what your kid is doing, and so your child knows you know what's going on. Talking a lot about what's OK and what's not helps, too. My son has clicked off games he's run into a few times because they had shooting or other things we've talked about not being appropriate for him.

The tougher questions I got were from moms of kids old enough to be on Myspace and Facebook. I'm not on Myspace, so I don't know all the intricacies, but it looks like it's easier to run into trouble there, but also easier for parents to monitor. Your page is just kind of out in the open so anyone can stumble on it and talk to you, but at the same time this means all your business is posted right there for your parents to see.

Facebook is trickier. In some ways it's way safer, because your profile is locked down (assuming you set your privacy settings!) so only people you add to your friends list can see anything about you. But there are also ways to communicate privately with other members on your friends list, so that there's no external evidence of that. One mom who wrote me said that she joined FB to monitor her child on it, and her child knows that and they're FB friends, and she regularly monitors her child's wall. I think that's excellent communication, BUT 1) her child could have her on "limited profile" so she doesn't see everything the child has posted, and 2) no one sees the private messages people send each other. (And, thinking about some private message conversations I've been party to,  well, yeah. There's all sorts of stuff you can't see by looking at people's walls.) So there's no way to know how much she's really seeing of what her daughter does on Facebook. As long as she understands that, it OK.

My 15-year-old cousin is on FB and I know I pop over there every other day just to make sure nothing untoward is happening on her wall (her parents aren't on FB so I feel like I need to watch out for her), but I also know there''s all kinds of stuff I can't see.

I think the trick, though, is that your kids know that you care. And that, yes, they can sneak around you and do stuff they're not supposed to (like we all did), but that you are there trying to keep them safe. The same mom who joined FB also has an agreement with her daughter, so her daughter has written down her usernames and passwords in a sealed envelope just in case her parents need them. That, I think, is an awesome level of trust, on both sides--that the child deserves privacy but her parents need to be able to protect her.

What do you guys think? I'd especially love to hear from parents with kids on social networking sites who are willing to talk about the process you went through with your kids to establish guidelines that respect kids' privacy but also adults' responsibility.

Tooth-losing rituals

The big news around here is that my older son (6 1/2) finally has a loose tooth.

He's not really enjoying it, since it's at the point at which it hurts and is hanging on by the root and it's making it hard for him to eat.

We started talking about the Tooth Fairy yesterday, so he knew to keep the tooth if it fell out at school. Then his dad and I got on the same page about exactly what the Tooth Fairy was going to leave (we'd decided on a dollar coin, although that may actually be low for Manhattan--I know a couple of kids who got five dollars! per tooth). They're at their dad's for the weekend, so the Tooth Fairy will probably come there. (Let's not talk about how sad it makes me not to be there for his first Tooth Fairy experience. Probably as sad as it made his dad not to watch him see the election results come in on Tuesday night. Divorce sucks.)

I love the Tooth Fairy, as it's all about myth and ritual. So I'd love to talk a little about what your own tooth-losing rituals are, if you're from someplace that doesn't have a Tooth Fairy or Tooth Fairy Equivalent (that would be a good name for an electronic music project, wouldn't it?). If you do come from a Tooth Fairy culture, do you do anything special?

More unformed thoughts on those rough times (3 1/2-year-olds)

So I've been thinking a lot about this 3 1/2-year-old thing. And how it really seems to me like all the "difficult" stages seem to be at times that double: 4 months, 9 months, 18 months, 3 1/2 years, 7 years, 14 years. I don't know if that means anything, except that if you're 28 maybe you're having a tough time, too. And 56 might also be rough...

Anyway, it seems like the difficulties start out more weighted toward the physical but become progressively more emotional as the people get older. So that first rough stage at 4 months is mostly about being fussy and not being able to sleep. Then at 9 months it's not sleeping but more generalized crankiness. 1 months seems to be a tie between physical and emotional distress, and then by 3 1/2 it really seems to be mostly emotional (even if all of this is caused by some physical process of development in the brain).

It feels to me, from being on the outside of it, that the developmental spurt that's happening somehow seems to remove the protective emotional layers somehow, so that all the person's emotions are right there, waiting to bubble over at any second. The person on the inside can't process or deal with or control them. Which is why they get stuck in a "Pick me up!! Put me down!!" loop. It's like they have an exposed nerve, and any time anything brushes against it they just go off from the overload.

I've noticed that when I'm feeling emotionally fried, my child being in one of these emotional wack-out times just sets me off, too. But when I'm on an even keel, my response just instinctively seems to be more one of "Oh you poor sweet little thing. Let me give you a hug."

Does this resonate with anyone? About any of the stages? About yourself? Or do you think there's something different or more going on?

For those of you who have or are having or considering second children

So a few more questions came in over the last week or so about second children. A couple of them from people who were either newly pregnant with the second or about to give birth, and were wondering if they were setting themselves up for disaster. The real concern for both those writers seemed to be the overwhelming sense of guilt at breaking up the little party the first child had, combined with the worry that they'd never be able to love the second child the way they loved the first.

I don't know that I have so much to offer here. I definitely felt both those feelings when I was having my second son. And I think it's a mistake to resort to the old "a sibling is the best gift you can give" line to comfort yourself, even if you do believe it. (I do for myself, because my relationship with my brother is the most important relationship I've had, aside from the one with my children.) Because even as wonderful as it is to have a sibling, there is loss for the older child. If nothing else, there's loss of having all the focus (which, again, could also be a good thing), but there's loss of the immediacy and the cocoon.

Does the good outweigh the bad? For my kids, yes. But it's important to acknowledge for yourself that it's not all happiness all the time. Allow yourself to feel a little sad about it, even as you look forward to the baby.

Can I ask a favor? If there's anyone who truly doesn't love their second (or later) child as much as the first, could you comment on it anonymously? I've never heard of it happening, but of course it's something you could never say in public. So if there is someone, please put it here anonymously, and we'll see if it's a realistic fear, or if loving the second one as much as the first is just something you can't imagine until you're there.

The other questions I got were from a very new mom-of-two and one about to pop any second now, who were really terrified of what was going to happen when their help (spouses and family) were gone and they had to be alone with the two kids. The spacing was right around 2 years for both of these moms, and the primary concern was how to keep the older one calm and happy while they got the baby to sleep. And yeah, that's a concern, because a 2-year-old's needs are very immediate, as are an infant's, so it could turn into a donnybrook easily.

Mine were 3 years apart, so my older one watched a lot of Bob the Builder DVDs while I was getting the little one down to sleep in those early days. For those of you with kids spaced closer than 2 1/2 years apart, how did you keep the older one chill while you were getting the little one to sleep? Any and all suggestions welcome.

Q&A: special needs child

Katie writes:

"I have a 3-year-old son with autism and figure at least some of your readers have experience with special needs. My boy was diagnosed as having moderate autism just before he turned 2, and I am so proud of how far he has come. (I could write a whole separate e-mail about all of the therapies and interventions he has endured.) He is very verbal now and, though he is in a special preschool class, I believe he will be mainstreamed into a regular classroom by elementary school and be almost indistinguishable from his typical peers.

My dilemma is whether I should ever tell him about his autism. He hears me speak of it often now; I have no qualms about telling someone he is on the spectrum, partly because it explains some of his behaviors that new friends may find odd, and partly because I am so proud of all the progress he has made. But he is getting closer to the age when he will really pick up on what I'm saying when I speak to others about him.

I don't want to completely ignore it or act as if it never happened or make it into this big secretive talk--"Son, let's sit down for an important talk about something terrible about you." It is a part of who he is, a part of his past and present. I guess what I'm looking for is wisdom from others who may have gone through this before. Do I stop mentioning it so much? Do I wait for him to ask me something down the road? Do I phase out the word "autism" as his symptoms show up less and less?"

Hmm. On the one hand, I feel like he's going to know there's something different about him. On the other hand, you don't want him to grow up thinking there's something less about him. So how do you balance the two--acknowledging that he's got some things that are different about him but also letting him know that he's great the way he is?

I wrote that first parapgrah three weeks ago, and have been sitting on this post ever since, trying to figure out what to write. The fact is, I don't know what it's like to have a special needs child. It would be disingenuous of me to talk about it, I think, because I've never had the experience of parenting a child who isn't always going to be received easily by the world. (I definitely think I have a special responsibility in raising two white men in America, but that's a different post.)

I'd love to hear from moms and dads of kids who don't fit neatly into the boxes that we expect kids to fit into. Not just kids who have autism, but kids who have any other kind of developmental issue, kids who have chronic illnesses, kids who look different.

How do you manage their "issues" (treatments, therapies, medical inteventions, etc.) while still loving and respecting them as people? How do you straddle the line between living your experience as the parent of a special needs child and honoring their experience as a special needs person? What if the "special need" is something that isn't recognized by the larger world (like being a highly sensitive or spirited person)?

Please talk about it. If you want to link to other supportive areas of the internet, please do. (If you type in the http:// before the www part of the address it'll automatically hyperlink so people can just click through your comment.)

The right way

I've been getting a lot of emails lately in which the writer says some version of "I just want to do this the right way" (meaning parenting).

The right way.

The right way is what works for you and your child and your family.

The right way for you is not the exact same right way as the right way for your neighbor, your sister, your best friend.

The right way with your first child is not the right way with your second child or third child or thirteenth child.

The right way is what allows you to be true to yourself and honor your child at the same time, as much as you can, in the middle of situations that should be against the Geneva Convention.

The right way doesn't have anything to do with pacifiers, or putting a baby down asleep or awake, or when your baby is out of diapers, or whether your baby watches TV or not.

The right way is about learning more about yourself and using that knowledge to learn about your child. And then taking that knowledge of your child and using it to learn more about yourself.

The right way is having a long conversation with this amazing little person you've been entrusted with. Sometimes the conversation gets rough and you get tired and angry at each other, but you keep talking. And the conversation just gets more and more interesting as you go along.

For me, the right way is that my mom learned how to text as soon as she figured out that that's easier for me at work than talking.

I don't know if I'm doing it the right way at any given time with my kids, but the conversation seems to be going well, so I'm trusting that I'm doing fine.

Do you want to share your experience of the right way?

100th day of school

Brief question below this post for people who've used formula.

I apologize for making this all about Kindergarten so far this week, but I really wa nt to talk about this 100th day of school thing. Do the Kindergartens in your area make a big deal out of the 100th day? It never happened when I was a kid, but it's a big deal at my son's school and other schools in NYC. The kids had to do a project containing 100 things (not containing food) and bring it in to school on the 100th day.

My son chose his own project, which was drawing 100 pictures. He's crazy for drawing (explosions, cars, and robots are his favorite subjects) so it wasn't a huge undertaking for us to put together a portfolio of 100 drawings.

One of the girls in his class did a gorgeous necklace make out of yarn with ten pieces of yarn hanging off the "chain," and ten beads on each hanging piece.

I didn't get to see most of the rest of the projects.

Did anyone else have to do this? Want to share some ideas, so people can get help if they're stumped? And how did this get to be a big deal?

Too early "boyfriend"/"girlfriend" talk

(Mini-post below this one.)

You all know my older son is in Kindergarten (he's turning 6 in less than a month).

From the beginning of the year, he and the other boys were talking about which girls they were going to marry, and stuff like that. I didn't think much of it, because they're surrounded by married people, so it all seemed like a game of pretending to be grown-up. (I also enjoyed the way their wants outpaced both legal reality in the US and logistical comfort everywhere, like when they decided that two boys and two girls would all marry each other and live together. It makes the argument about which way the toilet paper should roll look like fun.)

But a month or so ago, he started calling one of the girls in his class (we'll call her M, because that's not her real initial) his "girlfriend." M told my babysitter that they kissed on the playground(!) and my son has been concocting elaborate plans for their future life together.

I have no idea what to make of all of this. I appreciate the playing at being grown-up aspect of it. But it just seems waaaay too early for them to be talking about being boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm really uncomfortable with early sexualization of children (remember this post about toddlers flirting?). But it's clear that my son doesn't really understand what being boyfriend/girlfriend encompasses for adults (or older teens), and just means that he likes M a lot and likes to play with her.

So, how do I talk to him without freaking out and telling him he can't have M as a girlfriend when M is really just his "girlfriend"? It seems dumb to forbid him from doing something he's not actually even aware of yet. This is all just confusing me.

Q&A: winterizing an infant

Robin writes:

"I am a huge fan of your site and am wondering if you or your readers can help me figure out what exactly I need for my 5 month old for the winter months. We live in Chicago and walk/train almost everywhere but on Tuesdays/Thursdays we drive in the car to my son’s daycare. He was born in May so I haven’t really had to think about ways to keep him warm but now I am starting to wonder how to dress an infant for the winter. I know you live in NYC – did you use some kind of bunting, or a snowsuit with legs, or a coat, or something else? Do baby mittens work? Should I buy a large size so it lasts through the whole winter (which in Chicago sometimes ends in late April) I don’t know where to start! I’m hoping that you & your readers can help steer me in the right direction."

Please share data points, everyone. At the beginning of your comment, please put whether you're primarily a car-user or public transportation-user, and what age group you're giving advice on (baby, toddler, preschooler, big kid).

I'll start:

Public transportation (NYC)

Baby:  Three choices: 1) Lightweight bunting for the baby inside a sling/Ergo/etc. inside your coat.  2)  Heavyweight bunting that can switch  from stroller to sling/Ergo/etc. outside your coat. 3) Baby bag for stroller with lightweight bunting inside that.  With child #1 I did option 2, and with child #2 I did options 1 and 3. I definitely think the baby bag for the stroller is worth the money, and that with the lightweight bunting makes a great flexible combo. FWIW, I got my amazing lightweight fleece bunting from Lands End for under $10 on Ebay, so it's worth a look. Buy everything for the size they'll be in the spring. Take photos of the baby swimming in the huge bunting in the fall, and then another one of the kid almost popping out of it in the spring. (The buntings all have those things that fold over the hands to act as mittens.)

Toddler: Baby bag for stroller with heavy winter coat on top. At this age they'll want their arms out of the bag, but you'll still want their legs to be warm. If it snows where you are and kids will play in the snow, then add bib snowpants and boots.

Preschool+: Winter coat plus bib snowpants plus boots. Clips to keep mittens attached or else they'll disappear before you turn around.

I love these posts where we all share what works in our vastly different situations.

Q&A: four-year-old twins waking in the middle of the night

Cathy writes:

"we have 4yr old twin girls (they sleep in the same room)
within the past couple months one of them wakes up between 1:30am - 4:30 am just to "play" with her toys
she throws a temper tantrum every time we tell her to go back to sleep because it's not time to wake up yet
we have even told her that it's time to wake up when the sun comes up but that doesn't work
we're all tired and frustrated...HELP!!!"

Just awful. I don't have twins, but I have two kids who share a bedroom, and it just makes you want to yank your brain out through your ear when one of them wakes the other one up, especially on purpose.

I don't know if there's any way to stop your daughter (I read the question as it being one of the girls waking up consistently, not the two of them taking turns waking) from waking up, and am guessing that it's a phase she's going through. My suspicion is that if you stopped caring about it she'd get bored and go back to sleep, and after a few nights of this would stop waking up.

So that means the question is how you can stop her from waking her sister. If you could stop her from waking her sister, then it really wouldn't matter if she woke up to play with her toys, because the other three of your could stay asleep. (And if the other three of you stayed asleep she might give up and go to sleep herself from boredom.)

I think there has to be another room involved in this somehow. Either you could separate them for sleep, or make the waking sister go into another room silently to play with the toys. I wouldn't want to have to deal with switching the beds and sleep, so I'd choose to make a rule about going into another room to play. But that's obviously me, and you might want to go the other way. I think if you did make her go into another room (assuming you feel it's safe to do this--my older son could have been trusted not to get into any trouble in the middle of the night, but not all kids could be, and I predict his brother won't be at that age) you'd find her asleep on the floor in the morning.

If this is making your stomach turn because you just can't see separating them or letting her be alone in a room awake in the middle of the night, we're going to have to go back to the drawing board. As you all have figured out, I tend to look for the thing that seems the most direct, but there are often tricks that I'm just not seeing. So does anyone have any suggestions for Cathy? And if you can come up with a way to get a four-year-old to obey we'll all send you chocolate and beer.