Storytime

Man, this is some crappy weather we're having. To cheer you up, let me tell you a story. Unfortunately, it's a story I've told before, otherwise I'd never get out of the house to leave for work. Plus, it's one of my favorite stories ever:

One morning when my older son was 2, he and I were playing with construction paper. He went through a major construction paper phase. He started out drawing on it, then moved on to cutting it (yes, I let my 2-year-old use scissors, which turned out to be kind of dumb because he got very good at them very quickly), then to cutting and gluing it. We'd work on our living room floor on the rug with a big stash of newspapers down as a work area.

On this particular morning, we'd run out of Elmer's glue and had to break out the backup bottle of glue, the Pentel stuff that's that vaguely blue translucent color. It wasn't flowing at all, so I unscrewed the top so he could get it out of the bottle*. He glued some cut construction paper. I got up to go to the bathroom**.

When I came back, he was coloring his glued paper. Then he asked me, "Mama, where's the glue?" Uh, oh. "Where did you put it?" I asked. "On the chair!" he replied helpfully. Then I turned my head (in slooooow moootion) to see that he had, indeed, carefully placed the topless glue bottle on the cushion of the armchair, but the armchair seat tilted toward the back of the chair. So the glue bottle had tipped over, and almost an entire bottle of glue had flowed out of the bottle, forming a translucent blue puddle all around our elderly, sleeping, long-furred cat.

At that moment, only one thought went through my head:

"Why am I the only adult here right now?"

I spent about 5 seconds assessing the situation. If the cat woke up, she'd freak out and track glue all over the entire apartment. My only hope was to get her into the tub and wash out the glue without getting glue anywhere else, and then come back to clean the chair. So I turned on the TV and said (in my least concerned voice), "Hey, would you like to watch a kids' show?" Of course my son did, so I put him on the couch and turned on Noggin. Then I went into the bathroom and filled the tub halfway with tepid water and stacked two clean towels by the tub. I got another towel and snuck up on the cat, grabbed her and rolled her in the towel so she couldn't escape, hustled her to the bathroom, and unrolled her into the tub of water.

Here was where the plan could have fallen apart: I'm not that familiar with the properties of Pentel glue. If it had been Elmer's I wouldn't have been worried. But I was a little scared that Pentel wouldn't wash out of the cat's fur without a big fight. I was ready to do a bunch of shampoos with the health food store baby shampoo if I had to. I'm not a big fan of declawing cats, but I was suddenly very glad that my cat's first human servants had declawed her.

When she hit the water she was pissed off. And not in a good way. She fought me like only a 4-pound, declawed, geriatric cat with a thyroid condition can. By fighting so hard, though, she helped wash the glue out of her fur more quickly and the traumatic degluing only took a few minutes. (In hindsight I think the Pentel probably washed out more easily than Elmer's would have. So remember that if you need to glue any cat fur.) Then I toweled her off (she looked like a drowned rat, poor thing) and let her go sulk near the radiator.

The hardest part was over, so I got a bunch of rags and a bucket of water to go attack the glue on the armchair.

When I got back to the living room, my son had forgotten about the mess and moved closer to the TV. He was sitting smack dab in the puddle of glue.

* I am the kind of person who can't watch movies such as Jurassic Park because I get so angry at the plot points that are so clearly bad ideas. When they decided to inject the dinosaur DNA into the fly I was screaming "This is a bad idea! It will not end well!" at the screen. My friend made me leave the theater (I've still never seen the movie all the way through). So you'd think I would have stopped myself from unscrewing the top of the glue bottle for a 2 1/2 year-old. And yet, somehow I didn't.

** See * above.

Anyone else like to share a story?

Comments

[Joy]

I'm short on time, so I'll just say that the best way to remove a new bar of Dove soap that's stuck in the gooseneck of a toilet and won't flush completely down is to unbolt the toilet from the floor, lift it off the pipe, reach up into the toilet from the bottom, remove the soap, install a new wax seal (which you've already been to the hardware store to purchase), reinstall the toilet onto the pipe, and tighten the bolts.

Sorry for the run- on sentence. True Story.

[amy]

Oh Moxie, I remember when you told this story before, and I laughed just as hard this time.

And again with the near-psychic timing - I was JUST thinking about this story a week ago. Uncanny.

[Erica]

a) I'm laughing too hard to share anything.

b) My son is only 11 weeks old, so give me another year or so, and I'm sure I'll have many a story to tell. :)

[SarcastiCarrie]

If you have brown tile floor with little tiny indentations on it, do not leave your 3-year daughter (me) in a bathroom with a decorative container of dusting powder. And if you do, vaccuum it before mopping because mopping will just wet the powder causing it to stick in the indentations that much more. Or so I gather.

[Suz]

If you are crate training a puppy and you put a blanket over her crate, it should not be a down comforter. And then, if you accidentally do use a down comforter and your puppy accidentally discovers the joy of feathers, you should not let your husband vacuum the puppy. Because then the puppy (who will become a dog) will not let you vacuum for the rest of her life. And, if a baby comes into the picture, the puppy will definitely NOT let you vacuum near that baby. Because the vacuum might hurt the baby. What a good puppy. Kind of.

[flea]

Dora the Explorer toothbrushes cannot be removed from the bathroom sink drain with toast tongs, tweezers, two pencils, or small cooking tongs, but they can be removed with a fork.

[beth]

I had a 4-pack of neon food coloring given to me by my mom (what fun the kids would have making things with it). And we did (colored bento box rice for lunches), etc etc. Then... my darling 3 year old son found them. I recovered 3 empty bottles. And cleaned the mess associated with them (most of it in the bathroom). I still have a missing bottle of blue.

Flash forward 4 -5 months (food coloring replaced with fresh pack) as you never know when you'll need to color potato stamps, make experiments, put "green" leprechaun pee in your potty on St. Patty's Day, or tattoo your sister's fingernails red. Same said 3 year old FOUND new pack. Hidden so good I forgot where it was. Needless to say after counters cleaned (still kind of blue), most spots out of the carpet in 3 rooms, his clothing removed and he fell asleep (awaking 2 hours later with a BLUE face) as his sweaty hand had miraculously removed the food coloring that soap, baby oil and every other cleanser, make-up remover could not..... husband walks in.

And asks... (not knowing the TIME spent cleaning up what I thought was most of the chaos)... "honey, did you see the front of the house?"

No... I reply. Then looking out I see a very blue, green, red tie dye cement front porch. Turn around to face house and the 2year old WHITE siding... is dabbled in brilliant shades of 3 year old passion! Ahhh... art only a mother could appreciate. And if/when we ever move, apparently siding will need to be redone. And still, to this day, missing a full bottle of food coloring somewhere.

[meggiemoo]

Life lessons:

1. Letting your 1-year-old play with 30 pounds of rice indoors on a rainy day is very creative and fun. Also, you will be finding and vacumming rice for the next 7 days.

2. Don't let your spouse install a whole-house humidifer. Spend the $200 for the expert to do it. Or you might spend $6,000 more when you have to replace your flooring and kitchen cabinets after the humidifer falls off the furnace and ruptures a water line while you're at work.

3. If you're going to stick candy up your nose, a plain M&M can probably be extracted by your mom. A peanut M&M will get you a trip to the ER.

[Buffy]

This just happened moments ago. I love watching my 10-month-old solve problems, so when I set him down on his playmat with a handful of Cheerios, I leaned the box up against the wall just out of reach to see what he would do. After he'd finished his handful, he went for the box; unfortunately, I had left it open. He rolled onto his back and started shaking the box (I had just poured a bowl of cereal for myself, so he might have been imitating the motion? Or: lots of things he owns make noise when you shake them, as does a box of cereal). Cheerios flew everywhere. He has been creeping around for the past 10 minutes eating them, which I think entertains everyone and also doesn't require that I get out the vacuum.

[Shelley]

Don't let your 2-y-o drink almost a full bottle of orange juice at the airport. Otherwise, you might wind up sitting in a puddle of orange baby barf, and all of your carry-on items might get christened too.

It was so bad I just started to laugh. The funniest part was when the hazmat team came running down the gangplank after we were leaving the plane, to fumigate for the next lucky passengers destined for our seats. All of our carry-on stuff was in black plastic bags, and we were pretty whiffy. Fortunately we had reached our final destination and didn't have to invest in overpriced souvenir sweatshirts to get us through the trip.

My other good airplane story -- airplanes are a great cure for toddler constipation. Of course they are. Just make sure, when the massive toddler log falls out of the diaper, that you NOTICE so you don't step in it (without realizing what's happened) on your way to the bathroom to clean the kid up. Because then you'll get back to your seat, wonder why it still stinks, look at your shoe sole, and have a horrible realization as to why the stewardess was giving you the hairy eyeball as she scrubbed the carpet in the aisle beside your seat. It's also not fun, BTW, to get toddler crap out of the crevices of a Doc Marten sandal in an airport bathroom. Indeed.

[pnuts mama]

moxie- you always know how to make me laugh!!! although i was hoping for the story of when you were at the playground and you saw one of your boys playing with the squirrel. that is one of the best.stories.ever!!

[jessica star]

Ways I terrorized my mother as a child: put foot through seat of antique chair, pooped on carpet, carved name into wooden desk, carved name into wood wall, painted faces of barbie dolls with permanent marker, used a box of band-aids as tape, doodled in books, ripped out pages of books, pulled out drawers until they fell on floor and broke, pulled off knobs of door and drawers and cabinets, kept food under my pillow, used antique china on a picnic in the woods, used makeup as clown face paint, used lipstick as a crayon, peed through my clothes while on the toilet, built a sandcastle on the carpet, jumped on my bed until it broke, refused to eat anything except butter and noodles, refused to wear anything except my pajamas, tried to weed the garden and pulled out all the flowers, tried to start a fire in basement, put sand in her purse, put foot through the wall, put hand through the window... and then I turned twelve and things got really ugly. Now that I have my own baby I can already see that karma has a devious payback plan.

[slydog]

Don't leave your cup of coffe alone on the kitchen table for a second now that your 20 month old can climb the chairs and has LONG arms. The first time I did it, I found him watching TV and drinking it like he was 20 years old not 20 months old--kind of cute since it's decaf. The second time I did it (2 days later--arggh!), I came back just in time to see him pour the entire cup on the rug. Will be renting the steam cleaner from the grocery store this weekend...Thank goodness it wasn't hot either time. And I think I've finally learned my lesson.

[Tzipporah]

When placing your 18-month-old in his booster seat to color, you should DEFINITELY attach the tray, rather than letting him color on the table.

This is not so much about protecting the table (which any sensible mom has already covered in a vinyl tablecloth, or perhaps cement).

No, it is to cover up the little hole in the booster seat. You know, the on onthe arm, where the tray slots in.

The hole that's just the right size for open markers. That gives those open markers access to the chair seat. Which is fabric.

(To be fair, the whole seat/chair combo now has a sort of Jackson Pollock thing going on, from layers of colored marker and food spills. I call it "art." Someday I will make a series of them and put them on display.)

[hydrogeek]

1. A salt shaker is great fun for a 17 month old, especially when they are freshly full of salt.

2. Putting said salt shaker on the table does NOT mean it is out of reach. They climb much better than you think they do.

3. Salt makes hardwood floors VERY VERY slick.

[Julie B]

My 4 year old nephew Nathan started pre-school. When his mother picked him up she asked if he made any new friends that day. Nephew replied..."Yeah, me and 'Curly-Toes'played cars today".

Every day his mom would ask him about his new friend thinking that the name 'Curly-Toes' was nick name. But each time she asked Nathan would say his friends name was 'Curly Toes'.

Finally Mom asked Teacher..."Um, who is Curly Toes"? After an expected confused look, Teacher says...."Do you mean CARLITOS???"

Makes me laugh everytime I think about it.

[Jen L.]

My son is only 4 months old, so no really great stories from him yet. HOWEVER, when I was babysitting once (I was probably 13 or 14), I had a fun experience. You know how when you're young and you're still learning how to deal with your period you tend to carry a million feminine protection items with you at a time? Well, it was the 80s and I had my huge denim purse absolutely filled with Carefree pantyliners. (You know, for those "just in case days?") Anyway, I was watching my preacher's 3 hellians, uh, I mean, sons, one day. I was in the back changing the baby when the doorbell rang. They had told me to expect a man from our church to stop by to drop something off. As I walked into the living room I saw it: The 2 older boys had gone into my purse and discovered my "stickers" and had decorated THE ENTIRE LIVING ROOM with pantyliners! Horrified doesn't even begin to describe what my little 13 year old self was feeling.

[SarcastiCarrie]

Just because you have hardwood floors and the can says "wood polish", do not use Pledge to clean up cat puke. Especially at the top of the stairs. That stuff makes the hardwood a wee bit too shiny, smooth, and slippery. Just ask my husband, who had to pick me up off of the floor at the bottom of the stairs. Twice. Because I didn't learn my lesson the first time.

[bianca]

These are so great, Curly Toes is a classic!It makes me wonder what mine is going to get into in the near future. He once managed to find a piece of a broken plate that had been missed by the broom waaaay under a cabinet in the kitchen. He decided to twirl it around in his mouth. Ceramic tastes good, I guess. At first I thought it was a new tooth peeking through but then I saw it moving. I almost had a cardiac malfunction when I realized what it was. They are great finders of scary things, these little ones.

[zimbabweanjen]

we have pet guinea pigs who live in a long cage down one side of our living room. i was in the kitchen for a second, came back to the living room to find my then 16 month old INSIDE the cage!i was so freaked out! turns out he managed to open the side door which is a bit too hard for my 25 year old self to do. climbed in and sat surrounded by his little guinea pig friends. took me a while to recover from that one...

[SarcastiCarrie]

When you think it's been too quiet for too long, you are probably right. Photo documentation provided:
http://sarcasticarrie.blogspot.com/2007/08/hurricane-season-is-upon-us-again.html

[Rosemary Grace]

My parents were at an architectural salvage/estate sale place, looking at furniture. My sister (age 5 or 6) went along the line of several wardrobes (the kind you find Narnia through), locked each one, put all the keys in a locking drawer in a nearby dresser...and threw that last key away. She told my parents what she'd done on their way home. They never went back to that establishment again.

[Dawn]

That is so funny! Thanks, I needed a laugh.

My story...

My 4 year old and her best friend are playing in our basement after preschool one day. They come running up the steps because they both need to use the potty, which required about 5 minutes of discussion to figure out who was going to use the potty first (who needed to go more). Then, the conversation...

Friend used the toilet.
Friend: I don't use a potty seat anymore. Why does Ella use a potty seat?
Me: Because Ella has a tiny heinie and we don't want her to fall in the big potty.
Ella: Why doesn't Friend use the potty seat?
Friend: Because I can hold myself up.
Ella: Hold yourself up?
Friend: Yes
Ella: Do you use wipes?
Friend: No, I don't use them.
(Ella is now using the potty)
Friend: Do you need privacy?
Ella: No, I don't use privacy. I do use wipes, though.

[Kristin]

Mind you, these are all theories of mine. Just theories.

1. When you go back to work after having your baby and try to pump milk in the faculty room's ladies' bathroom (the one everybody on staff has to walk RIGHT BY as they come int he room, the one without a fan for disguising the pump that wheezes "PROBably, PROBably, PROBably" as you do your thing)...be careful to bring an ice PACK, not a baggie of ice cubes. The darn things skitter around a bathroom floor like nobody's business.

2. When you're home alone with your son, and trying to cook various things in the kitchen, you will be SuperMom if it occurs to you that he can't really hurt anything playing with a box of dried elbow macaroni. He thinks he's helping, and he's out from underfoot, so he's safely out of the kitchen. And your plan will actually work for nearly an hour. You'll get out extra bowls and measuring cups and spoons so he can cook too, and he'll amuse himself neatly for an hour, and you'll pat yourself on the back and be just a little smug about how well that worked out. Then he'll miss his pour from one bowl to the next, and he'll realize what fun he can have dumping the bowl over his head so that the macaronis bounce all over your wood floor. You'll be finding macaroni two weeks later.

3. When you get dressed for work in your nice black skirt, don't feed your son a bagel for breakfast. He's a sweet little boy, see, and he'll walk up behind you with his little cream cheese face, and give you a big hug around the legs. You'll need another skirt, unless you want to go teach class with cream cheese kiss on your posterior.

[Brenna]

My favorite babysitting story:

The family I was babysitting for had recently had a refrigerator leak, so they had the carpet pulled back and industrial fans running when I came to babysit. After the kids were in bed, I put on a movie, but couldn't seem to get the sound working right. I fiddled with some buttons, then just cranked the sound to the top volume and turned on the subtitles. After about ten minutes, the phone started ringing. It kept ringing every few minutes, which I thought was strange, but I didn't recognize the numbers so I didn't pick up. Then someone knocks on the door. The parents always knocked when they came home, so I answered thinking it was them. No, it was an older man who started yelling at me to stop blasting my music. Didn't I know there could be children sleeping!?! I was terrified, and ran to shut off the sound system. He kept yelling about calling the police. Thankfully, the parents drove up a minute later and the dad dealt with the neighbors congregating outside the house.

It turns out, they had hosted a "father-daughter" dance earlier in the day, and the sound system was set to the outdoor speakers. I couldn't hear the noise outside because of the fans. The parents were mortified, I was a shaky wreck, and I felt awful even though it wasn't my fault. The dad drove me home, where I promptly collapsed into tears. They paid me VERY well that night. And then called the next day to apologize. Now, five years later, I can joke about it.

[Charisse]

Did you know that if you are in the kitchen by yourself for 20 whole minutes after a long day at work, talking to your sister who is having a crisis and simultaneously making dinner, and have thus left your arrangement-oriented and set-completion obsessed 3-year-old to entertain herself for that length of time, it is highly likely that she has come up with something far more complicated than simply laying out every single piece of clothing she owns edge-to-edge from her window around her bed all the way out into the hallway. Those are not plain old clothes, those are blankets for matchbox cars, which in turn are resting on nice, shiny books and magazines (beds) and being individually sung a bedtime song. Supposing you live in a railroad flat and have a 40-foot hardwood hallway from which you have removed the usual runner rugs for some reason (construction crew coming through), saying "oh for the love of pete" and deciding not to bother stepping around this art installation will result in a pretty spectacular slide. Also, an hour of shrieking because you have messed it up and now nothing will suffice but that she start the whole project over and do it right, no matter how much you try to persuade her to come eat the rapidly cooling dinner. I'm just saying.

And now I'm realizing that she really doesn't do this particular sort of loopy stuff anymore, and in the fuzzy mirror of hindsight, it's actually rather cute.

[Charisse]

Oh my, Brenna reminded me:

for all you pumping moms, if you are lucky enough to have your own office with a door that closes, so that you can pump in privacy and work on your email at the same time, do be sure to complete the important step of attaching the bags before you turn the machine on and get involved in carefully wording a missive to your boss. The sound of your letdown splattering all over the keyboard when you really need every ounce of that milk isn't nearly as bad as explaining to the 25-year-old IT guy how you fried the works.

[B's Mom]

Glue Story...hehe! I had a friend who wanted to be that guy from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (the one with the ponytail at the top of his head)for Halloween. I came home from work to a very proud guy in full costume looking very much like the character. Shaved head and a long ponytail at the top of his head. I was really impressed until I found out he had Crazyglued it to the really short hair at the top of his head. Flash forward to the next morning. The friend asks me to help him cut off the ponytail and help him shave the rest of his hair only for us to realize that the glue has bound the hair directly onto his scalp. So, being responsible I called the Crazyglue emergency hotline...yes there is such a thing...and the woman on the line told me to "gently wash his hair/scalp with a MILD soap"....she lost me there and I couldn't stop laughing....to which she hung up on me....I mean he has Crazyglue stuck to his head what would mild soap and gently washing do??? Oh course this didn't work and I ended up having to take a scapel and picking it of his head (about an hours work) leaving a wonderful mess of scabs for a few weeks. So moral of this story....even adults have to learn not to play with glue!

PS. Love the gambit of emotions that we are experiencing here this last week. Thanks for everything Moxie....you are a true inspiration.

[Rachel]

A couple of years ago I ran into a friend of mine from college at the grocery store. It turned out that we only lived a few blocks apart and had children that were similar ages. We arranged a playdate so the kids could hang out and we could catch up. At one point while we were all playing downstairs I noticed that my 2 year old daughter had disappeared (she is quite skilled at sudden, stealth disappearing acts). I jumped up to see where she had gone and what she had gotten into. I found her in the bathroom with trash all around her drinking out of a pop can. It turns out that she had found an empty can, filled it with toilet water and was happily drinking it! To make matters worse, my friend informed me that her brother-in-law was staying with them and that she didn't think he had cleaned the bathroom since he moved in over a month earlier. I was further embarrassed when I turned around and threw up into the toilet my daughter had just been drinking out of. A lovely memory, that one!

Around the same time we had some good friends over for dinner. The adults were chatting upstairs while the kids played. My daughter yelled that she had to go pee as she ran by on her way to the upstairs bathroom. A couple of minutes later she came into the kitchen and yelled, "ta-da" with her hair all sticking straight on end. We had a good laugh and then I asked her where she got the gel from since we don't keep that stuff in the kids bathroom. She ran out of the room and quickly returned with an empty bottle of K-Y jelly that she proudly displayed for everyone to see. I guess she had gone into our room and rifled through one of our night stands! Our friends still make fun of us for that one!

[TBM]

OMG, I laughed so hard, and Sweetpea laughed along with me (I love this stage.)

Sweetpea is currently pulling up, and resisting going for naps. I went in and found her with the side of her crib down the other morning. Surely I pulled it up and she's just a super-genius who figured out how to put it down from inside her crib? I am thankful she didn't fall out!!!

[Kate]

"Why am I the only adult here right now?"

I also remember the cat-in-glue story and have stolen this phrase. I have probably sent it via IM to my husband at least 50 times in the past 2 years.

Our family's most often told story is 3 years in the past now...about the time we were on our way to the airport for a trip to Israel and discovered that my husband's passport was 2 months expired. (Our two prior vacations had been to US territories, so we hadn't needed to bring them.)

Um, oops. We called like everyone we knew to ask for suggestions. The alternative was freaking out entirely.

At the airport, the El Al security personnel suggested that he fly on his Israeli passport and get a rush US one at the American consulate. Which would have been a reasonable idea *if* he were an Israeli citizen. (He's not.)

So he walked me to security, and then I managed to haul one 11 month old baby, all her crap, and one Britax Roundabout onto the plane. (A nice man carried the carseat to the gate.) It was a night flight, so thankfully she nursed and slept pretty much the whole way. When we arrived I had to juggle all of these things AGAIN, except nobody helped me and I wound up with a bruise the size of Wyoming on my leg from the carseat banging into me as I walked from the plane to passport control.

My husband got a passport in like 20 hours (for outrageous fees, of course) and then miraculously got to Israel on standby, arriving 24 hours after I did.

At the time it was rather overwhelming ;-)

But now, of course, it looks like child's play compared to the trip to Israel we just took, with above daughter (almost 4) and speech delayed 2 year old son, who cried for hours each way (he wanted to lie down in a bed). A woman yelled at me because she interpreted his crying as my failure to parent.

http://onetiredema.wordpress.com/2008/05/05/to-the-woman-in-40d/

Fun times! (Still recovering.)

[TBM]

@Kate - I so hear you. On a recent return flight with Sweetpea, the man across the aisle repeatedly shook his head and rolled his eyes at me because DD was exclaiming in delight while PLAYING. Seriously -why aren't there family-friendly areas in the plane?

[Eva]

These aren't really stories so much as images:

--A baby finger-painting her tummy with poop. I had thought she was sitting nicely in the corner playing blocks.
--A toddler sitting in a sea of strewn dog food, munching. Apparently she is not ready yet to do her chores unsupervised (she gets the dog food for the dogs).

[marsupial jones]

LOVE this. i laughed so hard at some, I was crying.
Here's mine:

I took a long shower one evening a few weeks ago and my husband was "watching" my 11-month old son. Every evening he gets a bunch of naked time because he loves it and he does his best walking-practice at that time. When I came out of the shower, he was quiet. Suddenly my husband yelled:
"OH MY GOD! HAHAHAHAHA"
I rushed into the living room. Bebe had NOT been quietly playing with books as we'd thought.

He was up to his elbows in his own crap. All over his legs, on his face, mashed into the carpet in a 3 foot radius. Unbelievable. I sort of wish I'd taken a picture. I was mad at my husband who said "I WAS watching him." to which I said, "So you let him do this?"

I'm surprised there aren't more scatological stories in here.

[DC Ranger]

@marsupial jones - here's another scatological story for you. :-)

Dear son was just 8 days old and sleeping in his bassinette in his room. Hubby got up around 1 AM to feed DS & change his diaper. Around 2:30 AM, DS starts hollering and I'm thinking, "Gaah...is it really time for another bottle already?" I stumble into his room and slide my hands under DS's body to pick him up, and a powerfully funky smell assails my nose at the same moment that I realize that DS's little bottom is completely bare. I turn on the light and discover that DS has had a massive poop and that his diaper has come loose and is up around his ears! The baby had poop all over him - in his hair, his ears, you name it, it was covered in poop.

Chaos ensued, with the baby hollering at the top of his lungs, grown-ups running madly between the baby's room and the bathroom while attempting not to get poop all over the carpet, and the poor kid being dunked into the sink for an impromptu bath. All the stuff we learned at the hospital about proper newborn bathing techniques & umbilical cord care? Completely forgotten and ignored. After an hour spent getting the baby and the bassinette cleaned up; the baby re-diapered & clothed and calmed down; and a load of laundry started, hubby and I finally fell back into bed, exhausted.

Then around 5 AM, hubby started throwing up with the beginnings of a stomach virus. :-)

[paola]

We were away on holiday and brought one of Noah's favourite compilation dvds of Thomas and Friends, with 5 seperate dvds of Thomas on it, which we played on the lap-top hooked up to the tv. He had only ever seen the first two and this particular time, I offered to show him the 'new one' entitled 'Thomas and the Master Train' that no one had ever seen before, including us. My husband ran it and Noah sat patiently waiting for Thomas to appear. Due to a lag, The dvd started up on the computer first and just as well as instead of seeing Thomas's happy smiling face on the screen, up came the image of a woman having her genitals whipped with a very large horse whip. OMG! We dived on the lap-top and fortunately managed to switch it off before Noah saw it. That was the last time we downloaded kids shows and put them on dvd without previewing them first

[Aaron]

OMG, too funny.
Our dear E (now 10 mos) always watches intently as we feed our two large dogs (german shepherd and yellow lab). About 2 months ago my DH fed the dogs when he and E got up. He proceeded to place E on the floor in the kitchen and went to the washroom (you can see to the kitchen from the washroom). All I can hear is, "E, no! No E, no!" She had crawled over to the dogs dishes and proceeded to belly up next to the lab to share in some breakfast. Luckily we trained our dogs well and the lab just politely moved over and allowed E to help herself.
Of course my DH rushed to kitchen just as soon as he could to extract the dog food from her hands. He proceeded to get some coffee when he glanced over to see that she was chewing on something. Luckily he was able to fish the kernel out of her mouth before she tried to swallow. Big dogs means big kernels! ICK!!!!

[Joy]

Two weeks ago my 18 mo. old daughter began sweetly bringing me dandelions from the yard, beaming with pride. One day she arrived proudly carring handfulls of dog sh*t in lieu of the dandelions, again beaming with pride.

[anony]

The best I can remember right now is my son saving the massive blow-out throw-out-all-the-clothes poop for the moment when the luggage is all downstairs, we've cleaned up the rental apartment, and the taxi is waiting to take us to the airport. Which, frankly, is much better than if it had happened 10 minutes later.

But from personal experience I can tell you that a raisin in the nose will expand, requiring a trip to the ER... if you have orthopedic problems and have to sleep in hard shoes, and you discover that they make a mark on the wall, and you get to take a nap in mommy's bed, it's better not to spend your hour trying to draw smiley faces on the bedroom wall with your feet... a q-tip tip left in your navel will get infected... and (this from my husband), when you are 9 and you are babysitting your little sister, better not to put a bowl over her head and cut off all her curls the week before your cousin's big Bat Mitzvah.

Moxie, you should post this once a year or so as our kids grow up and give us more stories.

[carmen]

Don't assume that the green goo that a child is eating (and is covered head to toe in)is acutally peas. You guessed it... POO! The thing is, he was sitting in a high chair so it was easy to assume it was food. Super ick. Luckily it was not my kid and not my house.

[liz]

1. Always bring along extra clothes for yourself as well as the baby or you will be forced to stop and buy yourself a pretty dress for your cousin's baby shower after your own baby has thrown up all over you.

2. No matter how hard he tries, there are certain things a boy can't do (http://mysterymommy.blogspot.com/2005/07/poop-warningcontains-graphic.html)

[Heather]

My nephew got in trouble for dropping the f-bomb when he was about 3. Using the entire word he explained to grandma the important lesson he learned ... "I'm not supposed to say f because f is a grown-up word and f isn't good for kids. When kids say f they can get in touble because f is a bad word like s and h but f is the worst ......"

Of course grandma was about hysterical with laughter because he was just so earnest in his explanation of why f was bad.

[AmyInAustin]

These are funny! Thank you guys for livening up my Friday.

Here's a little laugh for you:
My in-laws are over and The Boy is on the sofa blowing raspberrries on the H's tummy. And pulls a peanut out of H's bellybutton. Shows everyone.
That happened just prior to H going on a diet. Coincidence? I think not.

[Pippi]

These are hilarious! It gives me lots to look forward to :) Here's mine.

My 6mo daughter had her first cold last weekend. She wasn't nursing well, I assume because it felt funny with her stuffy nose. I finally decided to nurse her in the bathtub because the steam might help. She was nursing really well, when she farted. I started to think it might not be that smart to continue, but she was nursing sooo well. So I kept going. She farted again. I thought I should call my husband. Before I could, I heard the third fart -- but it wasn't a fart. We were both sitting poo soup. Thank goodness I was not the only adult present!

[Sarah]

Oh, wow. My daughter hasn't done anything quite like that, yet. However, if she's anything like I was as a kid we're certainly in for it.

Apparently when I was 2 (about 32 years ago) myself and one of my mother's friend's son (same age) were left to play in my room in the apt. I grew up in. My mom and friend suddenly noticed we were far too quiet for two toddlers.

They found us with a giant tub of Vaseline between us and we had put it in each other's hair. Mind you, at that age, my hair was down to my tush.

Just so you all know, I was water repellent for nearly a week following despite several shampooings. Oh and if you were ever curious, dandruff shampoo can take non-permanent hair dye out of a cat's fur if need be and rubbing alcohol melts certain disposable cups.

[erica]

the second you said you were going to tell a story, I was hoping it was that one. I cannot imagine that happening to my kitty with future children - well, I can, but given my cat's claws and teeth, I don't want to...

[hedra]

The 10-year old (boy) explaining to an adult (female) guest that it hurt when his brother threw his balls against the wall (the ricochet hit him). When we started squeaking while suppressing the laughing (hard not to!), he said, NO, not THOSE balls, my BLUE balls!

Same child many years earlier had a similar incident. One of his favorite necklaces was a costume cross, silver with a round gem glued in the center. It was his 'Jesus' necklace, but it wasn't exactly well-made. Riding in the car with my mom (the-retired-minister), one day he noticed that something was wrong, and wailed from the back seat, "Oh, NO, Jesus' ball fell off!" (to which my mom barely managed to not ask, 'the right, or the left?').

[Lisa]

1. Think what a prepared parent you are when you remember to move the pre-loaded children's Motrin syringe from the two-year-old teething child's shelf to your nightstand when he wakes and you decide to bring him into bed with you so everyone can get some sleep.

2. Feel especially smug/grateful when you don't need the Motrin and the child nurses to sleep in 3 minutes.

3. Wake up at 6 AM and notice child fiddling around with something that, in the dim light, is probably the watch you always leave on nightstand. Fall back asleep.

4. Wake up at 6:15 AM with puddle of grape Motrin on top of head, where it's dripped from the ceiling ten feet above.

[Norman]

My father and my younger sister were very close from her babyhood on, and she was the bestest toy my older sister and I had ever gotten to play with. We told her she was a robot, fed her prune juice and told her it was soda, and taught her some unexpected language. When she was 2 and a half (I was 7, older sister was 9) my father took his adorable cherub to the grocery store and sat her in the cart. Seeing her big brown eyes and blond curls, an older woman couldn't help but reach out to pinch her cheek and tell my father she was beautiful. My sister turned to her and said, "Don't touch me, asshole!"

With a straight face, my father said to the woman, "She's not my kid."

My younger sister has never forgiven us. Especially not about the robot thing. To tell the truth though, she is still to-the-point, and my father is proud of the sustained creativity she continues to bring to the art of swearing.

[Sara Mackey]

If you decide to make a stepping stone with handprints for mother's day, make sure your baby is the right age for handprints. If your baby is 10 months old, or even 13 months old, he may grab a handful of cement and try to eat it.