Q&A: weaning earlier than you want to

Second half of yesterday's post, on negotiating things with your mother, is getting bumped for this cry for help. Kirsten writes:

"I am sorry to be so pushy, but I am in a desperate, time sensitive nursing situation. My 13 month old who has been the nursingest baby ever got a cold, started teething and went on a 100% nursing strike. I have been working with a LC and am doing EVERYTHING I can. I have always had a meager supply and take Reglan and I don't let down well for the pump, so even though I have a hospital grade Lactina, I am still only pumping about 6-7 oz. per day. I know I am going to lose my supply soon. The baby, I hate to admit, is no closer to getting back on the breast that she was a week ago, she just get furious whenever she sees a boob anywhere in the vicinity. I wake her up in the night to catch her sleepy, I try in different places/positions/noise levels. People keep saying that it is unnatural to wean this young, but it also feels unnatural that I am forcing my will on someone who seems to very much know that she wants no part of breastfeeding at this point. We are on day 9 of the strike. I wanted to nurse at least another year. I feel guilty, rejected and sad. What do I do?

It would mean the world to me if you would respond and allow other mothers to comment to my dilemma. My supply is only going to hold on another few days."

Who are these jackasses who are telling you it's "unnatural" to wean this young? All other things being equal, if you lived in a tribal society 500 years ago your baby would probably still be nursing*. But, realistically, what control do you have over 1) a nursing strike that sounds serious, and 2) your supply?

Until we figure out if there's anything we can do to reverse the effects of all the plastics and other things in our environment that are screwing with women's supplies on a large scale, we all just need to back away from the guilt.

And, seriously, how much control can you have over a baby? If you're working with a knowledgeable LC who knows all the tricks to help babies and moms through nursing strikes, and it's not working, then it looks like it's your time.

FWIW, I think a majority of us are conflicted about the weaning process, no matter how old our babies are. Two weeks, two years, three years...you always feel like you should be doing more. You wean and your baby gets a cold or ear infection the next week, and you think it's you. Heck, my mom still feels bad that I weaned myself at 16 months or so--she'd wanted to nurse until two years. But you know what, 34 years later, we're both healthy and happy and still close to each other.

Anyone who's been through a rough nursing strike, who didn't nurse as long as she wanted to, who wasn't able to nurse at all, or has at any point felt disappointed in how things went with their baby or toddler, show some love, please.

* Or someone else in your tribe would be nursing your baby for you.

Comments

[Brooke]

My 1st child weaned abruptly at 15 months. Literally went from nursing 3-4 times a day one day to totally refusal the next. I gave up trying after two weeks. It is what it is, don't let anyone make you feel guilty. BTW, I nursed my next for 2 years and my third is still nursing at 19 months.

[Pam]

Easier said than done, but don't feel guilty. You've done the best you could, and you've nursed for far longer than is convenient in our society of working outside the home (god how I hate the pump). I think I would have been conflicted whenever it happened, but my daughter weaned herself Easter weekend at 15 months. I felt sad and rejected - for about a day. Then I had a big glass of wine (at lunch) to celebrate moving on.

What you don't say is whether your daughter is already drinking from a cup or drinking cow/soy milk. Do you have concerns from a fluid intake perspective?

[Sarah]

You have worked hard and done a great job nursing for over a year. Yes, it is ending earlier than you want but it sounds like it is time. I am so sorry you are feeling sad, but I guess try to think of how this past year you have been able to nourish your baby in this special way. There is nothing unnatural about weaning at 13 months: this is what your baby and your body are doing. It is funny because I got such dirty looks and comments because I nursed longer than a year!!
Take care of yourself: maybe something to celebrate 13 months of nursing? A massage, a fancy dinner? Something to mark this time.

[Sarah]

You have worked hard and done a great job nursing for over a year. Yes, it is ending earlier than you want but it sounds like it is time. I am so sorry you are feeling sad, but I guess try to think of how this past year you have been able to nourish your baby in this special way. There is nothing unnatural about weaning at 13 months: this is what your baby and your body are doing. It is funny because I got such dirty looks and comments because I nursed longer than a year!!
Take care of yourself: maybe something to celebrate 13 months of nursing? A massage, a fancy dinner? Something to mark this time.

[Shannon]

Who are these people who are telling you it's unnatural to wean at 13 MONTHS?! And I'm not saying that in a "Who do they think they are?" kind of way, I'm legitimately asking where you find people who think 13 months is too young to wean. I honestly had to go back and re-read your post because I thought maybe I misread your child's age. Of course it is awesome to go two years or three years or whatever, but you made it past a year and that is really commendable.

And I agree with Moxie, no matter when you wean, it is bittersweeet.

[Maura]

I had lofty plans of nursing my son, Eamon, until at least 18months. He, however, had other ideas. He was a very easily scheduled baby, very early on. By the time he was 4 months old, he had put himself on a 4-6x per day nursing schedule, with almost no help from me. I was happy to nurse on demand, it just so happened that he only demanded a few times a day. We'd have monster nursing sessions, then hours and hours would go by, and he was perfectly content. I had been home with him full time after he was born, but I started vet school when he was about 5 months old. I had anticipated him switching over to some serious night nursing to make up for not nursing during the day, but he never did. I did the pump at school thing for a couple of weeks, but I was soooooo exhausted that I decided that it really wasn't worth it for the amount of milk that I was getting - usually about 18oz on Monday, down to 8-9oz by Friday. I was also in a lab with 50 formalin-fixed dog carcasses every day, and didn't really feel great about nursing him a ton due to that. So by 6 months, we were down to nursing when he got up and when he went to bed, and formula the rest of the day. He hit the 9 month nursing strike just as I was getting ready to start up again for my second semester after Christmas break. I know that lots of nursing pairs can make it through that strike, but with my class load, being so far from family, increased involvement in organizations outside of class, etc, I didn't have the energy to get us through it. What made all of this harder was that my sister had a son exactly 1 week before mine, and he never even seemed to contemplate a nursing strike of any kind. In fact, she just weaned him at 25 months because she's 6 months pregnant with her 4th child and was anemic and really, really, really tired (understandably). He still gazes lovingly at her breasts, pats them, and calls them "his" breasts.

I guess the point of this long, rambling comment is that I'm fairly certain that we did the right thing for our family. Knowing my son, I know that it would have involved a lot of stress on both our parts to push the nursing. He was completely healthy, and as much as I didn't want him to have formula (or to pay for it - that stuff is expensive!), he really did fine. 13 months is not EARLY weaning. It's not late, but it's certainly not too early. In fact, by 13 months, my son didn't even get formula anymore. He was completely on solid foods and cow's milk. And he is, as my pediatrician says, "absolutely perfect and appropriate for his age."

I was really sad when Eamon stopped nursing. I still am sometimes, even as he runs around the house in all his 2 year old glory. Sometimes I wish instead of asking to "nuggle" with me he would ask to nurse. I think they're almost always ready to stop being babies before we're ready for them to grow up.

[pnuts mama]

just wanted to give you my support and completely agree w/ moxie that whoever is telling you that 13mos is "early to wean" (?!?!) *is* a jackass. and completely unhelpful. so different from the mom yesterday who considers 15 mos extended breastfeeding! in my world, folks thought i was nuts for going past, i don't know, 3, 6 months max. sigh. why can't we just trust families to do what's right for them?

i know tons of moms who had babies that legitimately weaned at the 8-9 month mark, and had the same feelings as you of guilt and sadness and rejection. i had pnut weaned down to 1x a day before bed til she was about 18 mos when i had to go away for a conference and when i offered it to her when i got back, she looked at me like "what exactly do you want me to do with that thing?" it did hurt, but more because at that stage 1x a day wasn't the insanity that all-day/all-night long nursing was. i missed the closeness, but we substituted a good snuggle session (that is still in place) before bed instead.

the best advice i ever got for nursing strikes was "keep offering the boob" and put the pumped stuff into a sippy for her. also, 6-7 oz per pumping session sounds like a dream to me! i was never able to get more than 3-4, with all the oatmeal and fenugreek in the world. talk about depressing! best of luck to you- it sounds like you are really connected to your little one.

[Aaron]

It brings a tear to my eye b/c I still feel guilty sometimes about weaning my daughter at 7 months. Nursing was very difficult for me at the beginning. My supply was fine but it hurt like a S.O.B. and I had a lot of back issues from struggling with different positions. I told myself that I had to do it for at least 3 months. Well, when that rolled around it had gotten easier and I set a goal for 6 months and then at that point a year. Well, at 7 months she was just a rocking and a rolling and wouldn't sit still to nurse and it became painful again. It was too much for me and I started to wean her. Of course, like Moxie said, she got a cold the week after I had gotten her down to 1 feeding and had basically decided that was it. Well, my milk was still there so I started nursing her again b/c I felt so guilty that I had let her down. She hadn't changed though and it was still painful so it didn't last long. Anyway, long and the short of it, she's now 10 mos, 3 weeks and had a horrible stomach bug that lasted 9 days a couple weeks ago and those same feelings of guilt over weaning her "too early" came up again.

E is the most wonderful, fun, energetic, goof of a baby. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm the best mom for her and that she is doing awesome, despite only being breastfed for 7 mos. Hang in there. It sounds like you just have to get your head around the fact that you are an awesome mom and have done wonderful things for your child and will continue to do wonderful things for your child for the rest of her life.

[Alexandra]

Kirsten - Please don't feel guilty - every baby is different and you have done a great job nursing and working hard on this all through that very critical first year. Your baby has a great and healthy foundation, and you won't even have to worry about transitioning to formula. bad. My son, who was a very interested nurser, abruptly weanted himself at 9 months (way earlier than I wanted)--I was pregnant at the time but still hoped to nurse him. I think this whole process teaches us that whatever set ideas we have about our kids, we have to start, in small ways, letting go. And it's not without pain, but please be kind to yourself and know you are doing a great job and are so conscientious. Your baby has the best mother ever!

[MorahLaura]

Weird; my 13-month-old just decided to stop nursing, as well, about 2 weeks ago. I hung on to the right-before-bed nurse as long as I could, but when it started riling her up more than settling her down, I sighed and stopped trying. She falls asleep in my arms, playing with my hair and making nursing noises, but settles down much quicker than if I try to nurse her.
I guess the lesson here is, even at 13 months, they know what they do and don't want.
Granted mine was never an enthusiastic nurser, and I'm 6.5 months pregnant so being held in that position wasn't too comfortable for any of us, but my first daughter nursed until I convinced her it was time to stop, at 18 or 19 months. I was determined to nurse as long as possible with #2, even planning on tandem nursing when the baby comes, but, they do have their own minds.
Then last week I had a 36-hour attack of the worst PPD I ever felt. I didn't know it was possible to have PPD while pregnant?? I guess so! I blamed the sudden weaning and the fact that she's also teething and was giving me about oh, 5 interrupted hours of sleep a night. We're better now.

[Heather]

I have an almost five month old and have been back to work for 8 plus weeks now. I too am dealing with a similiar feeling of guilt - even though I am at a very different stage. I went back to work when the little one was 12 weeks and had to start supplementing on day one b.c. somehow I never found the time to pump a supply while I was on leave. I talked with my postpartum doula - who is a wonderful woman - but her advice isn't practical for me. She advised me to pump three times a day - and I just can't fit it in and still do an "Ok" job at the job that is helping to pay the bills right now. (I pump twice a day as it is.) Since going back to work, I have been quite sad - and I feel this pressure to be super working mom - pumping, making baby food, buying the "right" toys - and it can be too much.
Sorry I am not much help on this topic...but thanks for letting me try to put words to what I have been feeling.

[hedra]

A long time ago, I found an archeologist's study of dental remains from about 5000-6000 years ago in France. Adult tooth development changes during the process of nursing and weaning, so they can tell at what approximate age a child first had solid foods, and at what approximate age they last had breastmilk. Both affect the pattern of dental enamel development.

The range of introduction of solid food was from about 5 months to about 12 months old, with the majority starting solids between 6 and 9 months old. The range of ending of breastfeeding was between 9 months and 7 years, with the majority between 2 and 4 years old. Which is backed up by a lot of other research (I so wish I could find the cite for that one - I have searched several times, but haven't found it again.) Oh, and there seemed to be little relationship between ending breastfeeding age and starting solids age.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that it is most COMMON for kids to wean 'naturally' (making a huge presumption that if kids were normally nursing up to 7 years, nobody was saying 'ew, please wean your baby before 12 months!' to the other moms), um, where was I? Right, most common age range is 2 years to 4 years if you're going by strict biology. But NORMAL range is not just the most common range. It is pretty unusual for a 9 month old to drop the breast utterly (though they do tend to strike a lot), but sometimes the effort of getting them back on the breast is really beyond what is sane (especially, say, if you're also chasing a toddler, or if your life depends on your ability to spend more energy getting food and shelter for everyone, not just working the 'baby back to the breast' angle). At 13 months? It's in the normal range. It's well into the normal range. Yes, 'average/typical' is the most common, but it doesn't make the outliers abnormal! If so, then Einstein is ab-freakin-normal. He's an outlier, and thank heavens for outliers!

Your baby knows what she(he?) does and does not want. In fact, I've used exactly this scenario to knock down people who say that extended nursing is just the mom forcing her own issues on the baby. Um, yeah, YOU try getting a toddler to nurse if they don't want to! You can't make them. Period.

I totally agree with Moxie that it is hard whenever they wean. Add in any supply issues, the amount of effort you've put in, and ... well, it's kind of a slap in the face to have them stop before YOU are ready. Self-weaning during a cold, or during a fussy stage, all very common. And still painful if you're not quite there yourself. Heck, I was soooooo ready for the girls to wean, and it STILL made me sad.

So, here's what I'd do in your shoes (take with as many grains of salt as needed):

1) Stop pressuring. Ask, but don't pressure. You can do kind of the reverse of the common practice of including the other options in the 'are you thirsty?' question: "Would you like some water, some milk, or some mommy-moo?" And then take whatever answer that is.

2) Don't assume too much about total crash on the supply. I've found that the higher level of my supply would crash hard, but it takes a lot to get rid of the last low-level production.

3) Keep pumping for a bit. If it's molars and/or cold and/or fussy stage, in 2 weeks, it may all be totally different. My kids all went through bouts of low interest in nursing. They all came back to it for one reason or another. The 3 1/2 year olds will still ask for some now and then, about 2 weeks apart (for the record, they don't get any at this point - after about 4 days off, they forgot how to do it, and started just licking me like a puppy instead. Um, no, thanks. Ha ha. Very funny, no.). So, it comes and goes in a pattern, and the 'go' is likely (IMHO) to stay more gone if you're fighting for it to come back.

4) Have a good cry. It's a big transition point, even if it isn't the total end, it's the real clear beginning of the end. Do grieve that, it's worthy of being honored.

5) Tell 'those other people' to stick it. I know many an LC who will say it isn't natural for a child to self-wean at 6 or 9 months. I don't know one who has ever said in my hearing (or reading) that a child over 12 months self-weaning is 'unnatural'. People like to extend the margins without any basis, either because they misremember what the 'too young to wean' age is, or they have an issue around weaning age, or they have an issue about being told themselves that they should have weaned sooner. Whatever, it's their problem, not yours. Ask them to keep it their problem. (And seriously, if you're doing anything 'child-led' here, it would be listening to her disinclination to nurse! Leaving the option open by pumping - even the small-but-still-respectable amount you're getting - allows that pressure valve to release, for me. You're not cutting her off because she said no, you're not pressuring her when she said no, but allowing as she might say yes again later. If in 2 weeks, the answer is still no, then taper off and use up what you've got left, and know you listened to her, and to your own concerns, and found a way to respect both. (There are probably other ways to do the same, that's just my first thought.)

I think you are also stuck between knowing what is right (gut feeling) and worrying about being wrong. Gut says 'why am I making her angry about this?', worry says 'maybe those other people are right?'. I'm voting with your gut. :)

[cori]

Both my children weaned themselves -- at 10 months and 11 months. They were just ready to move on, so they did. It had been a real struggle to nurse the first one, so honestly I felt a little relieved, but the second was an easy nurser, and I did feel a twinge of regret when he was done. But not enough to miss waking up with sore boobs!

[Christie]

I had a similar situation when my DS1 was 10 mos. old. I had always planned on nursing for 12 mos. My son suddenly went on a nursing strike. Although he was doing well with baby food and even taking one bottle every day, I actually rushed him to the doctor to find out what was wrong with him, when the nursing strike started! (LOL - what can I say... first baby).

I was so sad at the thought of stopping 2 mos. early, and asked various friends for advice. Some said, "Well, it might be the right time to stop - a good chance to do it without upsetting your baby!" But a couple of people said, "It's a shame to stop now, after you've come so far..." Well, I decided to go with the first opinion, though I was upset. It was a good chance to wean, without upsetting baby. And as far as my sad feelings, I snapped out of it quite suddenly and felt free (!), a couple of days after the weaning process was completed. I think it may have been hormones that made me so upset at first. My son is 13 (years old) now, and I know I made the right decision. We had a quick and virtually painless weaning.

[hedra]

(Oh, and I'm pretty certain M would have weaned right around 13-14 months if it weren't for the twin jealousy thing. She didn't nurse AT ALL around then unless she saw her sister nursing, and then it was HEY, ME, TOO! I want some! She can't have it all! (poke, push, hair-pull, grab) ... she did keep going after that, but her 'singleton' natural age of weaning likely would have been right around this same age. If I offered to her, she was like, 'um, later, Mom!' ... but the second her sister noticed, she would change her answer. At the same age they would stick their fingers in the corners of each-others mouths to unlatch them. Ah, twins. Joy! (argh - and the source of the 'hands down or I unlatch you' rule)

Oh, and for those who weaned earlier than the research noted above, that's not meant to be a smack at you, either. Life's different now than then. And it doesn't even pick up whether any of these babies were wetnursed or cross-nursed (by someone else), etc. That's another reason I love reading Soranus (2nd c. AD Greek OB/GYN), because it makes it so clear that the whole 'I had to go back to work and I feel so bad about it' or 'me and bfing didn't work out too well' or even 'I just don't LIKE bfing, even though I know it is important' are ALL normal human spectrum reactions. Back then they recommended wet nurses, or donkey milk (closest fat-to-protien fraction comparison to human milk, better than goat). Now, we have other options. Same problems, though. Same exact problems.

[Amy]

First, have you considered that you might be pregnant? Your supply goes down sharply during pregnancy, and the hormonal changes in your body can make your baby reject your milk. I would do a pregnancy test ASAP, if I were you. I got pregnant while nursing my 11 month old. Anything's possible.

Second, reglan gave me a rip roaring case of post-partum depression when I took it, and depression is a known side effect. You might be feeling a disproportionate amount of guilt because of the reglan. Whether that's true or not, be very gentle with yourself for the next few weeks, and keep a close eye on your emotional health.

Third, while I nursed for two and a half years, my brother and sister both self-weaned around one year. They're stupid healthy (they both ran a mini-marathon this year) while I am an overweight couch potato. In other words, babies who self-wean can turn out super. My mom was a LLL leader, so she knew what she was doing. If your baby is self-weaning, give yourself a big ol' pat on the back for a job extremely well done, and let go. It's ok. Clearly she's ready, if it has been 9 days. She's ready to be a big girl, and as hard as that is, it's the natural course of things. I don't know who these "people" are that are telling you to beat her over the head with your boobs, but it's not necessary or helpful in the slightest for them to lay a guilt trip on you.

Finally, I had a whale of a time weaning my first child. She nursed through my entire pregnancy with #2, and for 9 months I tandem nursed. I don't care what the LLL says, this situation SUCKED (pun intended). I felt like a cow for 18 months, and my breasts are still sore. I can't stand for anyone to touch them. I am starting to wean my 14 month old, because I have been pregnant or nursing since November of 2004. I'm. Just. Done. In order to wean #1, I had to take #2 to St. Thomas, alone, for a week. It was hard on everyone. I'm not saying that the choices I made are for everyone (in fact, looking back, there are a lot of things I woulda coulda shoulda done differently) but maybe if you do let her lead the weaning, you'll find that later you'll look back and count your blessings (especially if your next baby is hard to wean).

You've done well, Mom. Very few children are nursed past 1 year in our culture. Good work! You gave her the best possible start in life. Way to go!!!

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[anonymous]

When my baby was born he had severe jaundice. He was hospitalized shortly after I brought him home because his bili levels were so high. My chaotic parents were staying with us, I was extremely stressed, and found breastfeeding to be very painful. At 2 weeks old, still in the hospital, I decided to start supplementing with formula. My milk still hadn't come, I had all sorts of terrible PPD stuff in my head, and my baby was getting close to becoming brain damaged. During this time, I also couldn't hold the baby very often, since he had to be under the incubator lights as much as possible. So needless to say, I was insane. Thankfully, when the baby got formula, he started to improve. Then he rejected the breast. I can't even tell you how devastated I was. It was the worst moment of my life (and I've had some bad ones...) The nurses at the hospital were no real support, because just when I got used to one, a new one would come on shift. I pumped as much as I could without completely losing my mind. I got a lot of flack from some nurses for supplementing with formula, and I felt like a total failure. Despite repeated help from an LC, he wouldn't take the breast. So I pumped and pumped and pumped, though I rarely got more than a few ounces. Eventually he was well enough to be discharged from the hospital, with home visits from nurses. Most of these women were outraged that I wasn't forcing the breast on him, so I had to hide it from them. But he was improving, so in my mind, I was doing the best I could. The whole time this was happening I was completely without sleep, worried out of my mind, and dealing with my visiting parents who were not making the situation better. And I continued to pump (though since my father didn't want to see it, I had to hide myself in the other room in my own house) and continued to feel like crap because I wasn't getting much. The day I stopped pumping was a total relief. The baby was just over a month old. All my friends (somewhat crunchy granola types) were very disapproving when I told them he was 100% on formula. I have never felt so terrible. They were all breastfeeding for years, and I barely got past the first month. PLEASE be so proud of what you've done and be grateful for it, because not everyone has the ability. I still feel so ashamed, regretful, and guilty.

[Amy]

Oh puh-lease!!! This is exactly why we all carry so much guilt. 13 mos is NOT unnaturally young to wean! I suspect even in tribal societies, there were kids who gave it up at about the one year mark. I *forced* #2 to keep nursing past the 12 month mark and she still hates me for it! So, when #3 got impatient with the let down at 10.5 mos and my supply dropped b/c I could no longer get anything by pumping at work, we threw in the towel. Was I sad? Hell yes. I had planned to nurse him long-term, and I missed that sweet sense of fulfillment babies always get on their face as the milk lets down. Is it my fault? No. Is he suffering? No. Are we less stressed? Yes. Is daddy happy b/c he can now bond with #3 through food? Yes.

Remember, nursing is a relationship between two people--a relationship BOTH people have to want in order for it to work. Not wanting the breast is not the same as not wanting Mommy... though I know it can feel that way.

[laura]

Kirsten,

I'm sorry you feel so bad. It does seem like your baby is ready, though. My son stopped nursing at 11 mos almost exactly. Other things were just more interesting to him. I felt sad, too. He is growing up so fast! But I think part of being a mom ... is not just being the mom you want to be, but being the mom your child needs.

[Joceline]

First of all, as many have said, you're to be commended for nursing this long. Many can't/don't make it to one year for any number of reasons, and you have, so congratulations.

Both of my sister's boys self-weaned within weeks of their first birthdays. There was no reason that she could determine. They were just done. She would have loved to have nursed longer, had they been willing, but they apparently had "better" things to do (climb on tables and the like). I think this just happens to a lot of people.

The APP recommends nursing to at least a year and for as long after as is mutually exclusive. You're fulfilling that requirement, which is fantastic. Enjoy your toddler!

[Amy]

@Anonymous--OMG! This is what infuriates me about women. Why do we do this to one another? Why can't we just be supportive? My mother didn't breastfeed me. I'm a healthy adult. And she's my best friend. So, there you have it. Healthy and attached to mom. Without breastfeeding!!!

My heart goes out to you.

[janel]

No practical tips to offer, just support. I imagine that if this ends in weaning, that it will rightfully be sad for you. I hope you find a way to channel that sadness (crying, journaling, talking to a friend). And if it feels right, maybe you'll also celebrate a little? I think back in biblical times they used to have a big party when a child was weaned. Why not take this opportunity to celebrate the extraordinary achievement of growing a baby, giving birth to it, and then nursing it successfully? You gave life to a person. Wow.

I'd also like to just state my frustration over the fact that people are telling you that weaning at this age is unnatural, because you'll find at least as many people who will tell you that nursing a 13 month old (or 12 month old, 24 month old, whatever) is also unnatural. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. I hate that.

[Liza]

Weaning is hard hard hard hard hard.

I weaned my son at 21 months, on the advice of 2 out of 3 Reproductive Endocrinologists, since I was TTC #2.

There was no "self-weaning" about it. It was the hardest week so far of my motherhood.

Try to take pride in having made it all the way to 13 months. Wean yourself from the pump and the reglan and see what new patterns and expressions of love emerge between you and your baby.

[brigita]

I had to wean at 5 mos. as I had been diagnosed with cancer and had to start chemoradiation immediately. It sucked and I felt like nursing was yet another thing being snatched away from me but I was glad to have had that much time nursing my daughter as I'd had a breast reduction 10+ years prior and wasn't even sure if I'd be able to nurse at all.

Not being able to wean on your own terms sucks, but 13 mos. of nursing is a fantastic achievement, one of which to be very proud. Hopefully the strike reverses, but if it doesn't, I hope the weaning goes smoothly!

[Bobbi]

I weaned at about 5 months with all my kids. The first 3 I thought it was beacause returning to work and the pumping required did a number on my supply. Since I was staying home with my 4th, I was looking forward to nursing for at least a year. Fast forward to 5 months and my supply was STILL crapping out. *sigh* That was tough to accept for me. But nursing and then feeding with a bottle because he was STILL HUNGRY was ridiculous for me. But it still sucked...

[sue]

@ anonymous - oh, I've been there. I'm so sorry someone else has as well. We had different complicating factors, but the result was the same - baby doing poorly, improved on formula, breastfeeding ended quickly. People can be SO horrible about it. I still have a chip on my shoulder about it, almost 4 years later.

@hedra - I LOVE the term mommy-moo.

@Kirsten - you have done a wonderful job nursing so long on a meager supply. I'm right there with you - I stopped taking domperidone when my son was about 11 months, and have had a serious drop in supply since. 7 ounces a day is probably about what I make, and my 14 month old nurses all the livelong day. I don't think you can do much about the nursing strike other than offer offer offer. This does link in a little with yesterday's post. I remember Hedra saying that she taught her kids that they don't get to decide how the cat feels about being petted. I think it's so hard for us mommies to come to terms with not getting to decide how our babies feel bout bein nursed. I know it broke my heart when I had to wean my older child at only 2 weeks, and I know I wouldn't be ready to wean my younger now at almost 15 months, but especially with the toddler nursing, it's not always gonig to be my decision. I'm sorry people are being awful to you about it.

One other thing - the reglan. I've heard so many people talk about ppd issues with reglan. And weaning (esp abrupt weaning) can bring about depression as well. Make sure to have your partner, or a trusted friend, keep an eye out for symptoms over the next little while. Also, check out the website lowmilksupply.org - they have a forum that is a lifesaver in terms of support. It's never too late to join.

[Jen]

Weaned around 11 months old ... I was done, he was mostly done ... It was still sad. No matter what the circumstance, it is going to be sad, at least a little ...

[Parisienne Mais Presque]

@Anonymous - it makes me so angry that people would judge you harshly for giving formula after all your efforts at nursing a sick baby while suffering from PPD yourself! You should be proud of yourself for nursing your baby a month. What a dedicated and loving mom!

I give moms who make heroic yet unsuccessful efforts to nurse their babies far more credit than I give myself, even though I've "made it" and am still nursing at ten months. I mean, I had it easy -- some small supply worries at the beginning, but it all got on track, I have supportive family and friends, and best of all, was able to take a nine-month maternity leave. Pretty close to an ideal situation.

And yeah, doesn't it stink that half the world thinks you're nursing too long, the other half you're weaning too early? As if we mothers didn't have enough reasons to feel guilty all the time.

[hedra]

@Anonymous, please resort your feelings into regret but not guilt. Guilt is for when you made a choice knowingly WITH the ability to sanely make the other choice, and chose only for your own gain. You busted your butt, and it didn't work out. That's a definite source of regret - that it couldn't have been different, that the stars didn't align differently, that you had different supports around or a different body or a different anything. Regret away, it's a clean emotion. Guilt, though, is utterly undeserved. That sense of relief you had when you stopped pumping was not a selfish or greedy reaction, it was a return to sanity, because you'd been living past the line where you could function. Parenting is hard enough, we're too often past our margins.

Yes, maybe there are other women who went longer or ended up with different results. And thousands upon thousands who didn't get as far as you did.

A work friend of mine (of the 'cube-mates but not after-work' variety) went off on leave for her baby, and then didn't call me for weeks and weeks. I finally called her at 6 weeks or so, and asked how things were going. She admitted she was afraid to tell me that she'd weaned at 3 weeks, because I was this extended-nursing mama. She'd had a traumatic birth, her son had oral trauma that had been untreated (deep suctioning), he'd been an avoidant nurser from the beginning (which meant bad latch, poor suck, and a lot of pain), she'd tried pumping but got very little, and she finally gave up. She had no idea that suctioning could cause that kind of catastrophic latch issue, and that it was one of the big reasons babies might develop avoidant feeding. It felt to her like her fault, her failure - perfect baby, bad mommy. But really, it was so many other things going on, for which she didn't have names or understanding. I gave her huge kudos for making it three weeks with constant pain and struggles, for trying and trying again and again. She didn't get the support she really needed (even now, there aren't many LC's who can recognize avoidant post-oral-trauma behaviors, let alone know how to behaviorally retain their oral responses!), and she had to choose for her sanity. Three weeks is HUGE. Three weeks is a lifetime gift of health, organ function, digestive function. Not one feeding is ever lost - it's in there for good. Even just three days produces measurable differences in life-long wellbeing! Law of diminishing returns - those days and weeks up front make so much more difference than the last weeks later on.

I really wish people were better at figuring out ways to support, problem-solve, and guide, without loading people with blame, guilt, and shame. A lot of what passes for support (in any area of life in the US, IMHO) is really just ... well, the same kind of parenting we're all trying to avoid passing on to our kids. It's fear-based, anger-based, other-driven. Too rigid, too universally applied. Even trying to do the best things can be done in the worst ways. The tendency to repeat the same advice without doing more research ('try again' or 'keep trying') or problem-solving... sigh.

[Cathy]

Is it within the range of normal for toddlers to do stuff to make them start to separate from their parents? For example, self-weaning at 13 months, face-slapping mommy at 15 months? Plus there's the whole "me-do" phenomenon during that time.

With a 14 year old at home, whom I can only assume that some of his behaviors currently are to make me sigh with relief when he moves out on his own in a handful of years, I tend to see child-led separation patterns in things.

For instance...that third trimester of pregnancy? My theory is that makes you begin to believe that it would be worth going through childbirth to get rid of the discomfort, and get over any qualms about it.

I think that kids who are in a secure, comfortable situation are often ready to take the next step towards being a grownup before their parents are.

[hedra]

(that was 'reTRAIN' the oral function, not retain. Sigh.)

Anyway, ended that on a gripe, sorry.

You deserve to live without any guilt or shame. You made good choices.

And I'm with PMP, in giving way more credit to the moms who struggle through at ALL with the really challenging problems. I don't get to take all the credit for my successes - yes, I did have a child with oral trauma and aversive feeding, but I was also surrounded with unusually positive and experienced support (I had not one friend or relative who had used formula in infancy at that time), with a healthy child who was way bigger than average, and with an oversupply, and my PPD tends not to hit until about 8 weeks pp. I had a lot less to overcome! (And I only *thought* I'd figured out the aversive feeding thing, but it popped back up later and he ended up in a feeding clinic by the time he was 6.) Four weeks of success *at all* under trying conditions are far more worthy of praise than years of success with minimal trouble and top-class support.

[Amy]

My baby was weaned against both of our wills at 4 months when my supply suddenly stopped after a bout with food poisoning. I had lots of guilt, especially when she obviously didn't want the formula. But in a few weeks, I began to realize that it wasn't going to have any real effects on her, and in a way was kind of a blessing. Now she's 2.5 and she's brilliant, extremely healthy, and a total "Mama's girl."

It sounds like it's time. Give it a few weeks, the guilt will probably subside and be replaced with a peace that you are doing the right thing at the right time.

[Heather]

I could have written this post. Except my son is 15 months. He has weaned kind of suddenly. I've read a lot of stuff that says that pacifiers and sippy cups dissuade kids from nursing for comfort, which is a huge part of what keeps toddlers nursing. However, I think pacifiers and sippy cups saved my sanity and were totally worth it.

In the "So That's What They're For" book about breastfeeding, she says that anything after 9 months can be "real" baby-led weaning. Some babies just wean early. If most babies would wean between 2 and 3 naturally, for every one that would go over three, you've got to have one that weans under two. And for every baby who weans over the age of four, you should have one that weans around a year.

And I think we may overestimate child dependence on breast milk in an ancestral environment. I'm sure that most babies nursed for a couple of years at least. But I'm also sure moms (or whoever) were acting as food processors and chewing food for the kids so that they could get solids as well.

Personally, I've decided to keep pumping once a day for awhile and mix it with his cereal so he keeps getting antibodies. I don't get very much with a pump (about an ounce, maybe) but I figure what the heck. And it's good for his eczema.

[Julie]

I weaned at 10 months. Earlier than I wanted to, but the writing was on the wall. With nursing it was a love/hate relationship for us. I loved it, Alex hated it. He preferred bottles, and at about 3 months, I finally admitted I was forcing the issue because of *me* and what I wanted, and once I embraced that he was his own person and his own personality with wants and needs separate from mine.....it felt okay to me. So I exclusively pumped and gave him his breastmilk in bottles. At about 10 months my suppy dipped (did not know at the time about pumping and the 10 month dip that happens to a lot of people) so I thought it was time. Put him on formula, he loved it.....life continued.

Please don't beat yourself up because your child seems to want to be done nursing. It's hard emotionally for you to accept any time your child takes a step away from you.....but it's the natural progression of things. It sounds like you've tried to make things work and she has a different plan. I think you've had a good run - 13 months is admirable! Try not to beat yourself up over this. Follow your child and listen to your heart. You can't go wrong.

[Cas]

Oh Kirsten, my heart breaks for you.

I know from guilt. I never got to nurse. Not once. I take lithium to treat my bipolar disorder so even though I had a ton of milk, it was essentially poison. I cried. Every day. I cried and cried and cried. I wanted to nurse my little girl so badly. I was shocked at how primal that desire was. I cried every time she was constipated, every time she had gas, every time she had to wait for a bottle to warm up. Because those things just wouldn't happen if I was nursing right? First cold? Forget it. I was a mess.
I cried about formula feeding for, I kid you not, the first 11 months of her life.
The only thing that helped me was the idea of child led bottle weaning. Treated her as I would a nursling (I always fed her, always held her to feed her, she never held her own bottle, etc) and let her wean herself, which she did at 23 months.

I guess that's why I'm such a big fan of child led weaning, which is what it sounds like your daughter is doing here.
I really think that rather than feeling guilty about not nursing for an extended period of time, you should feel proud that you are respecting your child's wishes to wean when she chooses. It's just that your particular child is choosing to wean at 13 months rather than, say, 2 years. Your child is communicating with you and you're listening to her. I'd be proud of that.

You've breastfed for 13 months which is an enormous gift to your daughter. You've obviously put a lot of effort into keeping the nursing going. Whatever the outcome of this situation I hope that you're able to see that your daughter is one very lucky little girl.

Best of luck.

[MrsHaley]

Chiming in with several pps who have suggested pregnancy. My baby weaned herself abruptly at 13.5 months and it took me quite a while to figure out why ... she knew I was pregnant before I did!

[wendy]

I just weaned my 18 month-old twins this week (my choice not thiers) and I am still pretty torn up about it. I can't imagine how I'd feel if they made the choice. You have every right to fight to maintain this relationship(and I would try my best) but if/when you wean it is totally ok to mourn the loss of a part of your maternal relationship. This is some sad stuff and I just want you to know you're not alone. I hope you find a way to listen to your own instincts and block out all of the other information being thrown at you from what seem like slightly uninformed (albeit well-meaning) sources. Like Moxie always says- you are the best parent for your child. Keep pumping, even if you don't get much. You'll be able to return to *some* nursing when/if she's ready. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

[Jac]

My 8 month old son was fully weaned 9 days ago. Completely on his own initiative. We'd been struggling with it since about 6 months but I kept hanging on because we were going on an extended holiday and I thought it would be easier than trying to find formula in a foreign locale. Right from the beginning I always said I only wanted to nurse for as long as it worked for both of us. I remember when in the first few weeks when nursing hurt and was around the clock, that I just wanted to get to 6 weeks. Then 3 months. I always considered any added time bonus. Perhaps I was laid back about it because my mum only nursed her three children for between 6 - 8 weeks?

I think part of the guilt is a function of who you hang out with and get support from. Among my friends who have had babies, I don't know a single one who made it to a year. So it didn't even occur to me to feel bad about ONLY making it to (almost) 8 months.

Anyways, I think Kirsten should absolutely be commended for going 13 months. It can be wonderful and cuddly and nurturing to do extended breast-feeding, but I don't think it is all roses - it can also be a bit of a labor of love.

[eep]

@Anonymous, be proud that you made it a month. That is quite a feat, especially given your circumstances. But also be proud, damn proud, that you knew what was best for your baby and you did it, even in the face of conventional wisdom. I have hypoplastic breasts and my milk never came in. At all. I spent the first three weeks of my son's life nursing, pumping fractions of ounces all alone in a room upstairs, supplementing with formula using an SNS feeder, taking reglan and fenugreek, and crying. It was unspeakably awful. He is 11 months old now, and quite healthy, and I am still full of regret. (I will try to heed Hedra's advice and feel my regret without letting it become guilt. I like the idea that regret is a clean feeling.)

@Kirsten, I have no real help for you given that my experience with nursing is limited to 3 weeks, but it is my opinion that baby knows best, followed by mama, followed by daddy. Everyone else can take a hike. Reglan can be demonic, so be careful, and ask your partner to help you watch for depression and to help take care of you. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it for being such a wonderful mama.

[Helen]

Kirsten, I have a friend who's daughter had a long strike at that age sparked by stuffy nose from illness, and they rebounded. Who knows why? I think she finally got her to nurse for like 20 seconds in the bath tub, playfully, and then the kid changed her mind and decided it wasn't so bad. It's pure baby whim plus a lot of work on mom's part to keep that door open, and that's got to be stressful and exhausting, which in turn makes your job harder.

It sounds like comments are almost unilaterally telling you it's the end, and you shouldn't feel bad about it, which may be true, but it sounded like you wanted some encouragement. Everyone always loves to tell you a "breastfeeding just didn't work out for us" story, but sometimes there are "breastfeeding wasn't working but then it did" stories. People also have a wide range of emotions about breastfeeding. Some people are not very invested, period. I agree that you shouldn't feel guilty, as you clearly are very much invested in doing what you think is best for your child, but I also hear your great sadness over something ending before it was time. People can tell you "It will be fine," but the point is that this is not what you planned. It's hard to know when to say "when," I know. I think your heart can tell you better than anyone else, and then no looking back, it is what it is, either way.

A few things - I have always heard (Kellymom, greater LLL chatter) that self-weaning is rare before 18 months. To all the people questioning that, I wish I had a source handy. I don't know if some of it stems from the Kathy Dettwyler stuff. Also, people may confuse a true self-weaning with the typical Western mother-led weaning. The typical mother-led weaning does take place well before 18 months, often well before 6 months. That does not make it the right choice for everyone. Please respect the pain of a mother who is worried that she may be able to overcome a perceived challenge to her breastfeeding relationship with just a little more time/luck. You don't have to talk her out of feeling sad, just witness it. We all view things through the lens of our own choices. Hers are no more right or wrong than anyone else's.

Also, OP, if your milk is dwindling (although keep in mind that pump output is not indicative of supply for many women), consider dosing up with omega-3 oil. I am surprised that Moxie did not reiterate this, but there is a hormonal bump that comes with weaning, by choice or not, and you can offset some of that emotional soup with supplements.

Moxie, I'm curious how you make the link between plastics and women's milk supplies? Is there really data that women produce less milk now than they did, say, 50 or 100 years ago? It seems like one of those issues that is so wrapped up in shifting cultural norms that it would be very hard to study, but I'd love to hear more. Fascinating stuff.

[Sunbe]

Hmm, all I can offer is sympathy for your situation - I am so sorry that you feel desperate. As many others have said, weaning (under any circumstances) will always feel like a separation and that has sad as well as happy connotations for your relationship with your baby.

I exclusively breastfeed my 6 month old and now she is grabbing every morsel of food in sight we are about to embark on baby-led weaning (no purees, just allowing her to play with food and self-feed according to her development). I am hoping to breastfeeed to complement this approach for as long as we both want to (I had hoped/assumed for at least a year). But at all the groups I attend, women consider this 'extended breastfeeding' and find it deeply weird! It's a bit of a sensitive issue for me, hence this post (I normally just lurk I'm afraid).

It appears that many people I have had contact with (in the UK) have chosen to cease breastfeeding when they introduce solids at between 4 and 6 months - I am shocked that this is so normal!

I know this doesn't solve your problem, but from my perspective what you have already achieved is what I, swimming against the tide, aspire to.

[kirsten]

You guys are so, so great. It feels so good to not be alone in this. The comment about who you hang out with being a factor is right on. I think a lot of my feelings come from reading bloggers who claim to nurse for 2-3 years with no problems like this, and living in Oregon where the culture is very supportive of extended breastfeeding. I think I just think I have lost sight of the whole point, to nurture my baby the way she needs me.
To answer your questions, yes she will drink from a cup now. It was only water until the strike, but now she will drink breast/cows milk from it. No binkys, although her three year old sister has still has one...but thats another story:)

I had forgotten about the Reglan side effects so thank you for the reminder of what to watch for.

Moxie, you rock. Thank you for facilitating so much positive energy and healing.

[Kate]

Every day of nursing is an achievement and a gift to your baby. Which is why, I think, it is so hard to stop--no matter whose decision it is.

@ Kirsten: I think you've done great things for your daughter and now she's telling you that she wants a change. It's just sucky she didn't give you any warning.

My "data point" on this is actually a friend's. Her first daughter nursed until she was 2 1/2. Her second daughter self-weaned at 9 months--she was happy pretty much all the time but a screaming mess when offered the breast and put in a nursing position. It went on for a week or so. My friend was devastated, I think in part because it was so out of line with her expectations (based on previous experience). Of course, everyone is happy and fine now, many years later.

You're not alone--love and hugs to you.

[Jan]

I wanted so badly to EBF my babies, but it simply wasn't in the cards. I had a much-needed breast reduction at 18 and I simply did not have the supply. At my peak production (baby latched on about 20 hours a day), I got about 8 ounces a day.

I was lucky that I had a pediatrician who didn't -- how to put this delicately -- have his head up his ass about breastfeeding. He encouraged me to try and when it became apparent after a couple of week that my production wasn't enough (first kid screamed bloody murder from 4 to midnight almost every evening; second one got sleepier and sleepier and neither gained any weight) he also encouraged me to continue to breast feed.

I hear of so many women whose supply drops and then they quit breastfeeding completely. It is absolutely totally possible to do both. And your baby still gets many many many of the benefits of BF even if she's only getting a couple of ounces a day.

So Kirsten, my advice to you would be that IF YOU WANT to keep breastfeeding (a huge if -- many if not most babies wean at around a year, at least in our culture) to feed your baby formula, baby food, solid food, whatever your situation dictates, but continue to pump. Keep offering the breast at regular intervals. At some point the nursing strike will probably end. Your supply might well never get back up to EBF levels, but you would still be getting her some breast milk.

I just hate to see this be broken down as an either-or dilemma when it doesn't have to be.

[Cloud]

I have no advice for Kirsten, since my 13 month old is giving me the opposite problem (last night I went out, and she refused to take her bedtime bottle from her daddy- so she woke up in the middle of the night to nurse). So I guess all I can do is confirm that what the baby wants and what the mother wants don't always match up and that it is frustrating and demoralizing as a mother when that happens!

But I want to say to Heather- please try to let the guilt go. Going back to work is stressful even when you are sure you are doing what is right for your family. It is perfectly fine to supplement with formula. And your supply may bounce back up- my supply fluctuates quite a bit, based on stress, time of the month (even before my periods started again), how hydrated I manage to stay... I think we just notice these fluctuations more when we're pumping, since we can see the change in ounces. Whenever my supply dips, I check that I am getting enough water and enough protein (there is nothing like a good steak to make my supply bounce back the next day!) and start taking fenugreek. Then I remind myself every day to stop stressing about the supply, because that just isn't helping.

Anyway, you're doing a great job pumping twice a day. Be proud of yourself, not guilty.

[ML]

Even though I intended to bf my son for a year, he self-weaned at 9 months. I too got the "too young to self-wean" from the internets, but after a week of hard biting and his arched back, I gave up. I remember this period as being the hardest of his infant life: he gave up the breast at the same time he had a bout of diarrhea so I was convinced that he was going to perish from dehydration (he never took to the bottle, despite the efforts of the babysitter, Dad, and 2 grandmothers). We offered lots of fluids with sippys and open cups, but the period was hard on me, even though there were times when I was sick of breastfeeding, I wasn't quite ready to give it up. My son is now a happy 15 month old who drinks a ton of cow's milk and runs around the house repeating, "mama mamamama..."

[TheLuckyGal]

Just more data points and commiseration here ... I assumed I would nurse until at least 2. At 20 months my daughter dumped me. I was very sad. Few understood. So, if you're feeling rejected / jilted, know someone out there gets it. Also, after a few months of non-nursing she fell down and had an owie and turned immediately to my boob when I picked her up. (I was over the moon - my beloved came back!) And weirdly, I still had milk. But, I didn't have the supply issues you do, so that might not be true for all - that there is a sort of latent reserve for a while after weaning. I agree with all above that say, step away from the guilt and be proud for all you've done. (But if you're sad, its so ok.)

[Melanie]

Why would weaning at 13 months be unnatural? I stopped at 12 months with both of mine. AND if your baby is finished, she is finished. Some babies immediately switch to sippy cups, and have nothing to do with bottles. Why force them? Why frustrate yourself? I am not being dismissive of your feelings -really - I am NOT. Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to do what you want to do and I am so sorry. But do not feel bad or guilty - your baby has chosen what she wants to do - she is just asserting her independence. You have done a wonderful job - and survived a year of nursing! WooHoo!

[lucy]

Kirsten
You are a breast feeding legend. You have already nursed for 4 times the amount a lot of women do.
Congratulations! ..I hope things go your way; I hope it works the way you want it to. But if it doesn't, rest assured if you can, you have done A BRILLIANT BRILLIANT job.

[hedra]

I definitely agree that there are hiccups and it may come back (hence the 'leave the door open' comment from me).

But I really have never heard that self-weaning under 18 months isn't biologically normal range. And I've been to Kathy Dettwyler's lecture on the natural age of weaning.

There are cats and dogs and sheep that wean before the biologically OPTIMUM age of weaning (sister is a vet who raises sheep), so why not humans? And there are animals that really resist weaning even when they're past the biological norm, too (having watched a mom cat desperately trying to dissuade her 9-month-old kitten from nursing - she'd beat the tar out of him, even though he was bigger than she was, and he's STILL come sneaking back in for a snack, crying pathetically). I would say that biologically, optimum would be around 2 years. But natural and optimum aren't the same thing.