Q&A: 15-month-old hitting and dealing with your mother

Amy writes:

"I have a 15 month old son who is such a love.  It has been love at first sight since the beginning.  We spend almost all of our time together.  My boyfriend has a very unpredictable schedule so we have days when it is all three of us but for the most part it is always me & child together (which i love so much).  Recently he has started slapping me or hitting me in the face.  Mostly it is when he is tired, at the end of his little rope... like on the final walk home from a morning out or before bed as we lie in bed together nursing and then if he isn't going down he gets a little excited and slaps me or (this is great) when i am carrying him up 4 or 5 flights of stairs with grocery bags in each hand with him in an ergo carrier.  I do think it has something to do with unexpended body energy and tired state of mind for the most part but some days i really do have to go to the post office and the grocery store and he has to come with me.  Anyway, besides angering me to no end, it's really embarrassing to be slapped in the face by a toddler and then hear laughing as I say NO.   Or try to catch his hands before he does it again and have him laughing the whole time.  I have experimented with different no's:  Holding his hands down and firmly saying no.  He cries (because he hates to be restrained at all) and then hugs me. Which all feels bad.  Trying a surprise "NO!" in a louder, stronger tone which feels awful and is also really coming from an anger place and not something I believe in when setting boundaries for a baby.  He laughs.  I think its nervous laughter because I never use that tone or volume of voice with him but maybe he is just laughing at me.

To compound matters, I am out of the country for a bit and my mother came to visit.  It has taken a while for her to completely accept the way that i am raising the baby -- extended breastfeeding, breastfeeding on demand, no CIO, no crib, no stroller until recently (one reason is just logistical, easier to navigate new york city with a baby on you rather than pushing a stroller but I also love having him near and up high with me), etc. etc. ...Anyway, she is pretty much completely on board with me now as he has turned out to be such a happy, loving, independent, funny, wonderful person... there's not much to fight me about.  But when it comes to the hitting me, well it makes me feel like a pushover in front of her, that my parenting is somehow too laid back or child centered.  She suggests growling "No" loudly and basically scaring him into behaving. 

What I really don't like is reacting out of anger.  My mother really did get angry, angry at us when we were children.  She hit us (now she is horrified that she did such a thing), yelled & screamed at us when we pushed limits or broke rules and really we were very scared of her when she was angry.  It never stopped us from doing what we were going to do, I think, but it just made us better at not being caught.  I think she had a short fuse due to all of the turmoil that was happening in our lives.  I understand & forgive it all.   We're really close and can talk about all of these things for the most part but her first instincts in terms of parenting advice always seem a little insane to me. obviously, having a child brings up all of these things for me.  How do I want to do it?  How do I set boundaries with out using FEAR and anger.  The baby is 15 months old.  He's a baby.  Being angry at a baby is one of the worst feelings in the world.   I think I need a good plan to deal with this slapping so that I don't allow it to fester and then blow up at him (which has happened a couple of times, my worst parenting moments to date) and also to set me on the right track for being strong and loving, setting boundaries with love."

There are three issues in this email: the hitting stage some toddlers go through, setting firm limits without being punitive, and negotiating your relationship with your own mother. Let's do the first one and part of the second today, and then start a new topic about dealing with your parents tomorrow.

I don't have an answer for the hitting issue. When there's a clear reason a behavior is happening, you can address it, but I'm not sure the reasons young toddlers hit is always that clear-cut. If he were closer to 2 years old, he'd probably be hitting out of anger and frustration, so giving him another way to channel those feelings and at the same time helping him communicate better would probably curb the hitting quickly. But it's not usually so clear-cut with a young toddler (under 18 months). Sometimes they hit out of tiredness, sometimes out of frustration, but sometimes they just hit because they like the way it feels, or think it's funny.

I think the best thing you can do is try to keep him out of situations that provoke it (figure out if there's a better time of day to do errands and a worse time, and try to avoid the worse time). At the same time, think about your feelings. What is it that makes you feel so embarrassed about being hit by him? Is this something that makes you feel worse than the other stuff he does that you don't like? It seems like this hit (ha ha) a particular nerve. I'm wondering if maybe this was an issue your mom had particular problems with and was extra-punitive with you about. Or maybe this reverberates in you because you did get spanked as a kid. (That one sounds veeery familiar to me. Getting hit by my younger one shot right through to my psyche, and I think it's because I felt so enraged when I'd get spanked as a kid.)

At any rate, it's probably just a phase, so knowing that, it's not a do-or-die situation to curb the behavior, as it'll pass anyway. So you could use this time to figure out how you're going to deal with misbehavior that sparks strong feelings in you.

The other thing is to figure out what's going to work with him. I did do the roaring thing with my older son, and it stopped him in his tracks but after a quick hug he moved on (without doing the behavior I'd roared to stop). In other words, it worked the way it needed to, without making him feel bad (just startled!). My younger one, though, gets so upset if spoken harshly to, which makes it awful if he runs away someplace he's not supposed to, because there's no way to react except to scream "NO!"" BUt once we've talked about it, he does a great job with role-playing and pretending to be ä cat who stops at the curb" or whatever.

In other words, it's all a process. And part of getting to know your child and yourself. And you're going to make mistakes. And you're going to have to do things that you don't like (like making your kid cry when you scream "NO!" to stop him from running into the street). And your kid will piss you off, and your kid will piss you off. But you'll work your way through it together.

I'm really hoping Sharon Silver has some comments about all this (especially the hitting), because I've never been good with figuring out what to do when the kid really does think it's just fun.

Anyone else?

Comments

[enu]

I think that instead of reacting in anger and always "no" it works better to teach how we _should_ touch Momma. When he goes to hit, gently take his hand and say, we pat Momma gently and take his hand and stroke your cheek with it. (And you could then say gently we pat Baby gently and take his and your hand and stroke his cheek.) When he does (even when you are directing it, praise him - that's a nice way to Pat Momma! That's so sweet! whatever...)

[Melanie]

My two year old was hitting me A LOT, but speaking harshly with him (yes, he is sensitive and cries if you look at him the wrong way) did work. Yes he would cry due to his feelings being hurt - but realize YOUR feelings matter too. If speaking harshly works, then do it. You don't want your child hitting others - and I don't want to be hit in the face. However, I have a four year old (which being my first I had not a clue what I was doing - well, I still don't, but I have learned a few things) who STILL hits, pinches, thumps and now tells me he hates me. I was against the whole yelling at him for hitting me when he was younger. Now look where I am!
Is there a right or wrong way - don't know. But also realize that you need to let him know others will hit him back if he hits them. I am not comfortable spanking, BUT there are times when the mere shock value helps them understand how the hitting makes you feel.

[paola]

My daughter is 16 months and has started hitting too. With me, she thinks it's funny, and laughs, and I firmly tell her 'no, we don't hit' and shake my finger. She also hits her 3 year old brother sometimes when she gets frustrated with him, or when he won't let her play with one of the toys, but I feel this is something she has learnt recently from him (he has recently started kindergarten and trying to hit me when he is tired and frustrated, and pushes her a lot too). Of course I tell him the same thing, that we don't push or hit and say it loud enough so she can hear it and hopefully eventually understand. But both kids only behave like this when they are tired and can't express how they are feeling any other way. I see them both playing together calmly in the morning before my son goes to kinder and neither is violent with the other, but after a long day, they both have a very short fuse and sometimes lash out.

[z]

oh how timely this is for me. My 20 month old has become a lot more aggressive lately. I know that is primarily due to the fact that his new baby brother just arrived a month ago and so he's reacting to the change around him but it is also very frustrating to deal with especially when the hitting is directed at his brother's face. Yes part of it has to do with tiredness. Another part has to do with being so excited about "baby". But in any case it is not acceptable.

We have been trying to do the modeling with teaching him gentle since about 15 months. More recently we have also yelled, tried time-outs, even lightly tapping the hand (when he dug his nails into the baby's face) and nothing has worked.
The "being gentle" has been probably most effective but right after he models gently so excellently he lashes out aggressively again. So currently we are trying to figure out what the strategy is for that extra fit of energy.

[zimbabweanjen]

My 20 month old son has started to hit a little bit as well, something which he has never done before. It's also tied in with throwing things. I don't think he has ever smacked anyone else but me, and I'm not even sure what to do with it. I know how it drives me mad when he laughs virtually as you are telling him no.

It really seems to be a way of testing out what is ok on the 'safest target' of mum, and it seems to be just one of a list of things that I am the only one who has to deal with. Not sleeping for me, struggling to get him in pram, carseat, 'arguing' about clothes, diapers, eating...things that his dad can get accomplished in a few seconds while J laughs all the time.

I totally understand the feeling of embarrassment, like you are failing to take care of a basic problem like babies mustn't hit their mother! I just take comfort in the fact that he is gentle with others and is normally a delight to be around, so somewhere in my muddling something is going right.

I think Moxie is right in that it's frustration with not being able to verbalise their feelings, and tiredness is the biggest causative factor. I think the question poser sounds like she is doing all she can and her little child is lucky to have her.

[Bobbi]

We do exactly what enu said, with success mostly. It still takes awhile for them to understand, but it does work...you have to remind yourself that it's a teaching moment. It isn't something that you can immediately "fix"...good luck!

[Moxie]

Enu, I totally and completely appreciate the idea of showing good behavior, and find that it usually works, but IME the one thing that never worked for was the young toddler hitting. With either of my kids. Maybe if they'd been hitting out of frustration? But when they did the hitting and laughing, like they genuinely thought it was funny, modeling the soft touching just seemed to make it worse.

I hope they don't row up to be ax-murderers.

[zimbabweanjen]

That's exactly the problem, Moxie! If it was malicious, ill-intentioned hitting it would be easier to discipline, but it's the way it doesn't sink in to their little mind that it's not funny and it's not a good game to play! Argh! And my cat agrees with me!

[Amy]

I wonder if Amy is embarrassed by the hitting b/c deep down she does wonder if she's being walked all over by her toddler. It never bothers me when someone questions a parenting technique I'm super comfortable with--like breastfeeding. But when my mother-in-law questioned my holding #3 all day and night as a newborn, it used to enrage me b/c I, too, worried that maybe I was spoiling him too much (despite the maxim that you can't spoil a newborn). I never said that, b/c I felt that if he needed to be held, he needed to be held. So instead of admitting that maybe I wasn't handling the situation well, I just got really upset with anyone who questioned me. Am I making any sense? (And I'm not saying for a minute that Amy isn't handling the situation well, or that her methods of child-rearing are in need of questioning... just that sometimes we question ourselves, and I find that I get really defensive about my techniques when I'm not 100% comfortable with what I'm doing.)

[hedra]

For my kids, the hitting (especially in the face) seemed to be a matter of mixed feelings coming out. That 'two feelings at once' thing seems to be stronger starting at 15 months, and they don't get skills for handling it quickly.

So, a couple of our rules:

1) If a reaction of mine stops something in its tracks, I can *guarantee* it was too harsh a response and I'll see consequences of it later. 100% is an abnormal amount of obedience in a child. 85% is what I aim for, with management required the rest of the time as they master that skill, and then they move on to another skill. MAYBE if I catch the process very near the end of them outgrowing it naturally (which they will do, even if we don't solve the problem, but we still have to deal with it in the meantime), I can get instant results without overstepping anything. But - well, I have four kids, they're all different, and every time I've responded in a way that made the behavior STOP and stay stopped, I saw repercussions elsewhere. For example, the eldest once got into a non-childproofed cabinet at my mom's. My mom said NO quite firmly. He cried. She comforted. He refused to explore even the cabinets I'd set up FOR him to explore for four freakin' months after that. They were forbidden, and he knew it and he was not going there again, ever. I had to coach him back into thinking it was okay to explore, which was really sad. So, it helps me to remember that I'm not aiming for an A+, 100% perfection. I'm aiming for a solid B, which means still blowing it utterly 15% (or even 20%) of the time.

2) Hurting others isn't allowed. Which also means no slapping back, and we try not to yell. We fail a lot on the not yelling, but we're working on it. And having failed a lot on the not yelling, the kids yell a lot at each other. Sigh. So, yeah, again with the repercussions - even sometimes when it doesn't work, it still has repercussions (because yelling doesn't work all that well if the underlying problem isn't solved).

3) One of the things with the fussy stages (15 months being at the tail end of one, IIRC), is that they tend to try to experiment on mommy - what happens if I? The question is 'do I have the power to...?' - and if he's laughing, odds are good that he's enjoying his power to get a reaction. This is exactly the age where I could start extincting behaviors by being utterly boring in my reaction (low emotional and physical engagement, not giving eye contact, calm boring monotone voice, repeating exactly the same phrase in response, dull dull dull!), and then watching for the next positive action - ANY positive action, and engaging on that like a laserbeam. Down at their level, excited voice, eye contact, physical contact. It would shift the focus to whatever else it was - anything would do. It never took more than three days of that pattern to get the behavior to stop (hitting me in the face being the first one I tried this on, by the way).

4) Handle the triggers. Mixed emotions are hard for the child to handle, and so they tend to try to get someone else to express them for us. THis is a normal neurobiological behavior - if they're feeling powerless, they'll do things that make you feel powerless (hitting and then lauging when you try to punish them is numero uno on the 'makes me feel powerless' list). If they're feeling frustrated they'll do whatever it takes to make YOU feel frustrated. If they're feeling ignored, they'll ignore you. Etc. So, this is a communication tool - look to your own feelings (regardless of whether they're from your childhood experience, the kid uses them for a reason!), and then see what happens if you assume that however you feel right now is how your child feels, and then solve that problem for them.

Before a year, most stuff is single layer, it seems - simple to solve, only one problem showing in the behavior. After that, it gets more complex.

I have to say that I'm impressed with Amy's self awareness - recognizing the embarassment is something many parents don't do well. Check, however, for other feelings in there. Embarrassed WHY? Do you feel disrespected, powerless to control what's happening, ignored, on display without your permission, frustrated at being unable to solve a problem, lacking in skills? All of those apply really well to a 15-month old out on errands. Reality is that you can't stop doing the errands with him. So, how do you give him power, autonomy, a sense of skill, (or whatever) in this? For that age, I'd lean on the relatively tedious-and-lengthy 'doing it themselves' and 'helping mommy choose' type activities in the process. Setting up simple choices (if you aren't already), checking in on how they're feeling as the day goes on, those help.

And sympathy - it will go away on its own, eventually - the skills to handle the situation will develop, in both of you. I tended to get slapped in the face at the end of longer days or when the kid was tired (and usually also overstimulated - more so with M, who still at 3 1/2 will try to smack faces when she's overstimulated). Using some sensory processing activities can help with some of that, but changing the pacing or rhythm of the day, shifting the order of events, adding in more gross motor activities later in the day (even just running up and down the sidewalk before going into the next store), can also help.

Many many points for recognizing the anger, and for feeling uncomfortable with losing control of it with a baby. No, we don't have to protect them from all negative feelings (that makes negative feelings even scarier - they must be *really* dangerous if we're avoiding them at all costs), but placing those feelings in a more reasonable context is also a good idea. Still, babies are infuriating at times, and that's also honest - the world is pretty infuriating to them, too.

Long, hopefully somewhat helpful. (You're probably already doing a lot of this, but maybe something there is new!)

[hedra]

@zimbabweanjen, we apply the 'you don't get to choose how the cat feels about this' response. Same with 'you don't get to choose how *I* feel' response. I will sometimes over-model my own reaction, and see how they respond.

Oh, and Moxie, the gentle touch thing only worked in our house for when they wanted to play positively but didn't have control or understanding. Like petting the cat 'backwards' - we'd model how the cat likes to be touched, and talk about how the cat will like being around us if we touch them how the cat likes. And that ties right back into the 'the cat gets to choose how the cat feels about that' - at this age, it ends up being 'if your brother feels like you're teasing him, even if you didn't mean to, you still have to respect that he dislikes what you're doing and you need to stop - HE gets to decide how he feels about it, not you.'

I'd speak for the cat a lot, early on. "Oh, kitty is scared you're going to hit her with that stick. She's running away because she's afraid of you. She remembers you hit her before and she didn't like it." and then problem-solve: "How do we get the cat to trust again? You want to play with her, and she likes to play her way. You can play that way with your sister. Or you can play the cat's way with the cat." And loads of praise for finding ways to pet and play with the cat that the cat likes. I think we were reminding them well into 2 years old that the cat gets to choose how the cat feels. Now, they tell each other that (but still being reminded at 3 1/2, and about each other at 10 years old, sigh. BUT, they're also clearly grasping it, because they don't look at me like 'what? huh?' but like 'whoops, my bad'.)

I think there are a good half-dozen other things we do for this kind of behavior (intentional non-empathetic reaction?), all around teaching management of feelings, bodies, movement, expression, respect, etc. Safe, Respectful, Kind comes in, but it's pretty limited in comprehension at that age. Very limited. So there's a chunk that is architectural solutions (prevention), too.

15 months was pretty exhausting, if I recall correctly.

[Maura]

I think the hitting may be one of those situations where dog training and toddler training are very similar. There are a lot of those situtations, actually.....

I found that perhaps the best method for dealing with the hitting (and I think we all deal with it at some point) was to firmly say, "No," and then have a minute or so of structured ignoring. Similar to when my son would bite while nursing. "No," then I would leave for a minute or so. Just a clear indication that the behavior was unacceptable and that it would NOT get the desired response - which was attention of any sort, positive or negative. The amount of time of cessation of interaction depends on the situation and the child, of course.

And, Amy, PLEASE don't doubt your parenting abilities based on your toddler hitting you. If that determined good vs. bad parents, I think we'd all be in the bad category!

[Tamara]

Is there a book that Moxie (or anyone else) would recommend for dealing with these types of toddler issues? I have read the Ginott book and found it very helpful, but with my 22 month old son, sometimes behaviors like this come up and I feel like I need more "tools" ready to deal with them.

[electriclady]

We've been trying to reserve the stern scary "no" for when our 15-month-old is doing something clearly dangerous (trying to climb up to the windowsill). It really doesn't work well for the hitting--the one time she smacked me and my husband yelled "no!" she burst into tears--scared, but didn't learn anything from it.

I've been doing the "gentle" modeling--as soon as she hits (me, the cat, her dad), I take her hand and show her how to stroke nicely, while saying "gentle" over and over again. It does seem to work somewhat--it doesn't stop her from hitting in general, but as soon as she, say, whacks the cat, I say "gentle!" firmly and she will actually pull back her hand. I don't expect at her age that she'll have enough impulse control or empathy to stop hitting altogether, but at least this gives us something other than "no!" to say to snap her out of it.

Also, if you're feeling embarrassed about the hitting in public, it's a little performance you can do to "prove" to others (or your mom!) that you don't just let your kid hit indiscriminately. (Was just talking to a friend about this the other day--again, at our kids' ages, we don't expect them to truly understand the value of sharing, but we loudly tell them to share toys in the sandbox at the playground, really for the other parents' benefit more than our kids!)

[Becca]

I'll be watching these comments, because our son occasionally hits too (usually he lashes out at our dog when the dog gets too close to the high chair). I've been successful in stopping him from hitting me and my husband by holding his hands and saying "We don't hit" firmly, but he has always been a pretty compliant kid. More practically, though, can you wear him on your back in the Ergo when you are carrying groceries? When I put my son back there he pats my back (which might be hitting my face on the front) and I say "Oh what a nice boy to give me a back rub!" If he gets too rough I tell him he needs to be gentle, that hurts Mommy, etc.

[AmyinMotown]

Actually, looking at this brought back that stage with our daughter and I am pretty sure it was Moxie who gave me this advice, so this is a nice full-circle:

A lot of it may be frustration with being unable to express how he feels. Have you tried baby sign? We were already doing it but on Moxies advice ramped it up and it totally hellped. She was just a lot nicer when she could express herself more. It's very simple to learn and there are a lot of free ASL resources on the web, inclduing this onne from my alma mater:
http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm
(or Google MSU Web Browser and it should take yo right there). It uses Quicktime clips to show you signs. I never bothered with any of the commercial programs because I wanted to teach her something she might be able to actually use as a second language someday.

Modeling "gentle" helps too --and honestly it would upset me so much that sometimes I would just have to set her down someplace safe and leave until I could collect myself.

I also would tell her it's okay to be angry and frustrated, but hitting wasn;t cool. When she was a little older, I taught her to say "I'M ANGRY!!" or whatever instead of hitting. She took on that lesson quite well.

Now she's three and a a half and still will hit sometimes out of frustration, but I was terribly worried I was raising some violent bully and she's not by any means! It seems like a phase they go through--I remember that phase being very "testing"of me. I'm sure it's to test out your connection, and you get t because he trusts you so much he knows it's safe to do so. So rather than worry youre doing something wrong, realize it's validation you've done something right!

[Maria Wood]

I love those enumerated rules. I love the guideline about 85% success being good enough. I've learned so much about my largely forgotten childhood from parenting, including about how little imperfection was tolerated. That probably came from me, since I didn't really get much actual parenting so I had to make it up for myself as I went along.

My default reaction has turned into anger – yelling, minor sarcasm, etc. Which I don't really understand because my parents were not particularly punitive, though my father was a rager. Anyway, don't mean to hijack the thread with my therapy ;-). I am working hard on changing my default back to kindness (which it absolutely was for the first 2 years), because it works better, and who wants to live in a house where anger is so high on the list?

[Virginia]

We went through this with our now-2yo son. It was VERY frustrating, and there's not a lot you can do to teach/discipline such young toddlers - they have no impulse control, no empathy for others and no sense of time other than right here, right now. Tough to teach in that situation! The only helpful, practical advice I've ever found is from proactiveparenting.net - a web site that Moxie featured and recommended. She has a "mini-seminar" (small fee to download, but WELL worth in IMO) that describes a technique she calls "Uh-oh - you hit, you sit." We've tried it, and it works. The emphasis is on interrupting the bad behavior and then showing them the right behavior. Sure, it doesn't sink in quickly or easily (remember, no impulse control & very little memory) but if you persist it does work. Its not harsh or punitive, but it helps you feel like you're doing SOMETHING to address a very aggravating situation. I remember calling many girlfriends for advice when my son went through that phase, and I heard a lot of "there's nothing you can do" or "we tried time-outs but they didn't work." I'd check out the proactive parenting site and consider experimenting with her techniques. They're designed for young toddlers, they are gentle and - sometimes, at least - they work. Good luck!

[mel]

ARGH! My 28 month old has just recently gotten into the hitting thing when she's over tired. "Lucky" for me, she only hits DH or myself. She's very verbal so I don't know how to give her other tools for expressing her tiredness. We leave the room when she hits at bedtime, we've tried, "That makes me sad when you hit me.", we've tried time out for her (and us) when she hits and we 'ignore' until she says she's sorry, and we've tried toning down the stimulation at night, but she goes from 100 mph to exhausted in a split second... it's hard to get that window and get her to bed!

[Jill in Atlanta]

I try to save "NO" for running into the street. My reaction to a baby's hitting would be to calmly say "stop. Hurting is a no no." Then take his hands and hold them (something she says he doesn't like), while I turn my head away from him a count to 30 or so. The ignoring with my face, even though I was holding his hands, was unpleasant enough to extinguish the hitting.

[hedra]

Oh, yeah, the signing is huge. Even just showing them a dramatic way to express the feeling (safely, but clearly) helps a lot. Dramatic facial expression was B's favorite - he signed a bit, but his fave was making the FACES. He'd look at us with a calm expression, then flip to the 'how I'm feeling' expression, then look at us with the 'okay, did you get that?' questioning look. It was relatively hysterical. But also quite effective. Wow, that's an ANGRY face, I can see how angry you are...

[Nick]

I've got a 27-month old, for whom hitting has been a problem off and on since she was about 16 mos. We found there we two distinct hitting moods: The anger/frustration/tiredness, and slap-happy/ punchy, using those terms in both the classic slang sense with a touch of literalness thrown in for funsies (no pun intended).

We found that we could curb the hitting out of anger/frustration/tiredness with firmness-- a firm "NO HITTING!" holding her hands, and occasionally isolating her a bit, i.e. "mommy doesn't like to be hit!" and walking away. She follow crying, we'd cuddle and that would be it-- although we'd have to do that several times on certain bad occasions. Redirection rarely worked in this mood.

For slap-happy/punchiness, we found that redirecting her had some success. It usually happened when she was a bit tired, overstimulated and really, really happy-- e.g. after restaurant meals with grandparents, or when we all sit down to watch a movie. It may be an outgrowth of more normal roughhouse play, who knows. But sometimes, all we can do is use the firm "NO," and islolation, and allow her get upset and cry it out (my DD relieves tension when she cries).

Some more data points that might help:

(1) this has almost exclusively been a problem with my DD and us,her parents. She has on occasion gone after my mother, Number 3 in her list of people, but as that invariably results in such a swift shut-down of "fun-with-grandma" and grandma LEAVING, that it seems to have resolved itself in the past few months (I hope). She may have gotten slap-happy with her aunts or uncles, but I can't recall it being a problem.

(2) I'm quite sure that the latest fad at daycare of slapping each others' tummies, which occasionally leads to falling down, and rarely, tears, is not related to what's going on with her parents. Entirely different vibe.

(3) modeling "gentle touch" did NOT work to curb the hitting. If anything, it escalated the problem mood. When we started working on "gentle touch" outside of a hitting mood, it soon led me to feel quite safe letting her touch other kids, babies, cats, dogs, etc. I hope someday she'll be able to use the gentle touch tool when she's in one of the hitting moods, but not yet.

Also, fake (or real) tears, gasps of pain, etc. on the part of her parents has had no positive effect in either situation. Real pain reactions tend to produce terror in her.
Modeling reactions with her toys also doesn't seem to help. In the anger/frustration/tiredness mood, it usually produces a total breakdown, and in the slap-happy/punchy mood, it turns it into an even better game. But maybe we'll try again. She's gaining so fast in communication and comprehension.

(4) Just recently, holding her arms, or her, and talking with her has started to have more effect in diffusing the situation. I think she's finally understanding what I mean when I tell her "Mommy knows you're angry/tired/whatever, but we don't hit" or "use your words, say 'Mommy, no'" But this has only been in the past month or so.

(5)According to my DH we seem to need to reteach her not to hit out of anger/frustration/tiredness every six weeks. IME, it's not quite that bad, but it seems to correlate with developmental milestones-- I'm not sure on what side though, addled as I am by the blows. Over all, lately we seem to be having some success. And truth be told, some of the slippage may be due to our, her parents, slippage-- not being alert to her use of words, etc.

The slap-happy/punchy type of hitting shows up sporatically, and doesn't seem to be related to any developmental spurt-- it's all tiredness and mood. We've had no long-term success in curbing it at this point.

(6) In the end, I remind myself that she's not even two-and-a-half. She needs to learn tools and discipline to deal with the feelings she's having-- and I've got to give them to her, by modeling preferably.

(7) I, too, often react to her rages with white-hot anger-- probably due to similar feelings that she has-- here's an angry person that won't listen to reason and I can't just force her to do what I want (exceptions being pulling her out of traffic and other emergencies). The anger probably draws on issues I had with my own parents too, but those are my problems, and I have to do my best not to make them hers.

Counting to ten and deep breaths fail me regularly and I lose it-- which means I shut down and walk away and DD follows me crying until I get my act together. But I also know I'd rather have my adolecent or adult daughter mad at me because I "shut down and shut her out" or "go ice cold," rather than have her be angry at me because I'd lose it and spank out of anger.

Ultimately, my DD will have issues with SOMETHING I did. For me, I have to do my best with her, so I can honestly tell her, "I did the best I could, now get over it."

***apologies for spelling/typos, etc. I've got to get back to work and can't edit anymore!***

[caramama]

It seems to me that this hitting out of frustration and tiredness is a hard one to turn into gentle patting. Definitely worth a try, but I suggest redirecting the energy.

I'm taking this from Playful Parenting, by Lawrence Cohen, (Tamara, there is my book recommendation), and he would say that you turn it into a game but either redirect the hitting to hitting something appropriate or you overreact your tears about being hit. I wish I could explain clearly, but I'm rushed and tired. It has to do with the ways in which this helps the child feel it's okay to have these emotions but finding an appropriate outlet. It's also becoming a game to them to see your reaction, so by overdoing it you are turning it into a game that isn't about a power struggle.

Stuff like that. I highly recommend the book. And I perhaps need to follow this a little more myself. IMO, too easily it turns into a power struggle that the toddler really doesn't understand... they just think it's a game until all of a sudden mommy is very angry. My firm NOs are funny until they make her cry, and then it's all downhill. sigh...

[hedra]

@Mel, does it actually make you sad when she hits you? Or do you want her to feel sad that she hurt you (which would be my response)? Think about the dialog of emotions. When I get hit, I feel scared, then angry, and sometimes sad or unloved or disregarded after that but usually not first. If I realize I hurt someone when I didn't mean to, I feel sad, then ashamed. If I hurt someone on purpose (or when I wish I had gotten control of myself first), I feel guilty. Etc. She may not 'get' what you're saying if it doesn't fit with what she's expecting to feel (and certainly not if it doesn't match the microsecond flicker of emotion across your face). Not sure at all if that would help, but it's the first thing I thought of.

Teaching the skills of reading their own emotions and using them as a tool is a loooong long process. Modeling it is hard, because we're often way more in control of our reactions than they are - so they don't see us feeling 'tired and so angry I wanted to hit that person in line ahead of me, but I stopped myself, breathed a few times, calmed myself down, and then even though I wasn't feeling very patient, I still kept it to myself because it wasn't appropriate to share it there or in that way'. All they see is us making a few faces and sighing, at most. Talking out all my feelings was a big help for G, when I started doing it. I don't think he really believed that I ever felt like he felt until I started saying it. And then when I started saying it, and then talking myself down out loud, he picked it up, too. It got to the point where at 3 1/2 or so, if I said, 'I'm SO FRUSTRATED, I really need to get moving here, and the other people ahead of us in line are being SO slow!' he'd respond with 'mommy, you need to take a breath now. Calm down. You know they deserve the same time and care from _whomever_ as you do. We have to be patient.' It was a bit annoying if I wasn't quite there already, but it proved the point that he had been listening, hearing what I'd said about my own process, and 'getting' it. It even helped a couple of times where I was really seriously losing my cool, and was having a hard time getting back my balance (though as far as he knew, what we did when someone was angry was coach them through the feelings and responses...). He's 10, now, and doesn't coach me anymore. (phew!) But he does know how to respond, calm himself, consider the entire situation, and make a choice about how to respond. Not that he never gets pissed off, though. Just generally doesn't take it out on others. Much (hey, he's 10, I'm not expecting total maturity!).

[Colleen]

When our son did this at about the same age, we'd take his hands and stroke them on our face or arm or the dog and say "gentle". A few times where he'd hit us again after the "gentle" thing I implemented Time Out. I'd say "no" sharply and firmly, then placed him in his pack-and-play or crib for one minute. His punishment was that he could not be with Mommy (or whomever he slapped) for 60 seconds. It also allowed me to take a breather, too, so that I didn't let my anger get the best of me. After that 60 seconds I would pick him up and say, "it makes Mommy sad when you hit. Hands are for hugging" and I'd give him a big hug and tell him I loved him. I think we only had to do this 3 or 4 times before he stopped hitting us.
oh, one time when he did it when we were at someone's home, I simply said "no" firmly and set him down in the corner of a room away from other people and ignored his whining for about a minute, then told him the same thing about hitting makes me said and hands are for hugging. At that point, he started to understand that mommy would put a stop to behaviors that don't work even in public.

[Today Wendy]

I remember this phase. I don't think it lasted very long, but it was really hard. I've got some issues with being hit by family members so there was a lot of emotional stuff going on for me on top of the frustration of getting hit by a toddler.

I always just react. "Ouch!" and then looking sad will have E in tears, but that's how I react to getting hit, so I taught her to give me a hug to make me feel better (which fixed her tears too). The "Gentle" approach worked pretty well too, the cat no longer runs away when she comes into the room. I find it incredibly helpful to remind myself that they've got absolutely no impulse control at that age, so once they figure out that they shouldn't hit...they don't always know what to do next. Have your little teaching moment then distract, distract, distract! My mom laughed when she saw me doing it, but it works. They love you, they want to behave and make you happy, but they also have to be little scientists and figure out how the world works.

Baby signs would also work at 15 months. We took the easy way out and bought some Signing Time videos (very reasonably priced on Amazon) and we all get a half hour break in the evening while she watches one. And the incredible coolness of being able to understand what your kid is thinking!

[Elizabeth]

My daughter is about the same age and it seems as though we have similar parenting styles. I've been dealing with the hitting too--a lot of time while she's nursing. At first I say, "We don't hit. You can pat mama gently," and take her hand and show her how, and then I pat her gently. If she continue to do it, I tell her, "No hitting. Hitting makes mama sad. It hurts mama," and I unlatch her (or just set her down if she's not actually nursing then). She usually cries then, but I pick her up again very quickly and she doesn't hit anymore.

Teaching her to "give me five" has also seemed to help. It makes a certain amount of "fun hitting" okay.

And for the hitting while the baby is in the Ergo while you're carrying groceries, I don't really have any experience with hitting while in the carrier, but maybe it would be less of a problem if you did a back carry in that situation? That's how I get my groceries up the stairs.

[Shandra]

Here's what helped with our son:

We felt he was mostly testing the excitement that my body was not his body and that he would get a reaction. So we worked to set up other rituals that did the same without being so offensive, like giving a zerbert/raspberry, giving 'five', etc.

We did the "gentle touches" thing.

I would walk away at times, but that mostly backfired.

And we taught baby signs which at least occupied his hands at times. :)

[Julie]

Oh jeez.....the hitting and laughing. At 2 1/2 we're still doing it on occassion - to me, dh, the dogs....at 15 months I would just not react. At all. I might say something like "That hurts Mommy and she doesn't like it" but I wouldn't react other than that because it would turn into a game.

He's just discovered slapstick comedy, again with me, dh, or the dogs. I try to keep my reaction to a minimum because getting angry only escalates the hilarity of his power over us. Mostly I work on modeling appropriate ways to exit a situation that is hurtful to me, talking a lot about how when someone hits you or hurts you in ways you don't want, the best thing you can do is exit the situation and remove yourself from the person who is doing the hitting or hurting. As a teacher I see so many kids who simply don't understand that walking away is one of the most powerful tools they have. I don't do it in a punitive way, just a "I'm going to go do something else now so I don't get hit again because I don't like that. It doesn't feel good to me."

With the dogs, we try to make a big deal about how bad that must feel for the, apologize profusely to the dogs for being hit, then remove Alex from the room because they are dogs and we can never predict how they might react to his hitting. He usually talks a lot about it later, about how one dog is really really old and we can't touch her....which leads me to believe that his hitting is just a way for him to reinforce in his organized little brain what hitting is, what happens when we hit, and what is okay and not okay in our house.

But at 15 months......if I remember it was a cause and effect type of thing. If there is no effect, it stops being so funny. And with more language, things got better for a while. I'm not saying don't do anything and just put up with getting hurt, but setting him down and saying "I don't like that, I'm going to do something else now" is a good first step to modeling exit strategies for later. Good luck!

[hedra]

OOh, I like the exit strategy thing. I'm not sure how much I've modeled that (though I know I've done it, just ... I like to do things on purpose if I can!). Hmm. Very powerful.

[Jan]

No time to read other comments this morning, so sorry if I'm repeating.

My younger went through this phase -- he definitely just thought it was fun. I didn't.

First offense, I said, "oh, no, we use GENTLE touches -- show Mommy GENTLE touches" and he'd usually then pet my hair or my cheek, which got copious praise.

If it continued after that, I simply put him down. The end. If you're going to hit me, I'm not going to hold you. To me this is not punitive, it's a natural consequence.

As he got older and his verbal skills got older, I might include a firmly-stated warning step: "I don't like being hit. If you hit me, I'll put you down until you're ready to be gentle.".

[Joy]

My suggestion is the same thing I'd do for any 15 month- old discipline problem. Do something totally wacky and funny to make him forget about the hitting. Sing his favorite song, blow raspberries at him, make a totally goofy face, (those can all be done while lugging him and all the groceries up the stairs.) If you have hands free, give him something new to look at, feel, or taste. (lemons might work well.:) ) Stand on your head. Lie face down on the floor and cover your head with a pillow. In a word... distraction. Throw him off kilter a little, get him interested in something else. Something else to try, maybe.

[Cloud]

I've got no suggestions that work, but I'll be reading these comments carefully looking for some- Pumpkin (almost 14 months) likes to pull hair and thinks it is hilariously funny. She did this when she was lots younger, too, and we managed to get that to stop at about 9 months. But now it is back! We haven't figured out when it is most likely to happen or found anything that will make her stop. So far, I've just been disentangling her hands from my hair, saying "no hair pulling!" and redirecting her to do something else.

[Arwen]

When my daughter was about 14 months, she started hitting dozens of times a day. It was the same kind of hitting Amy describes - clearly frivolous - but it hurt, and was not something we wanted to encourage. We figured she was too young to understand the moral or social implications of her striking us, but thought it might work to do straight-up cause-and-effect training. Sort of like training a dog, actually, and I think someone else said that in a comment above. So when our daughter would hit, we'd say calmly, "We do not hit." and then hold her arms by her sides and count down from ten, and then say "No hitting" again and release her. She hates being restrained, and she quickly learned that hitting led to being restrained. I couldn't believe how quickly it worked - in just a few days she had pretty much stopped hitting. I can't promise it would work for everyone, of course, but it was a great tactic for us.

[michelle]

When our daughter was under two, we would say "no hitting" and set her down/ ignore her for a minute. We did not really act hurt or get too steamed...because she was doing it to see how we'd react, and because I just don't think you can expect too much out of such a young child. I tried to view it like the various other short list of things I was trying to teach her ("no throwing food," for example).

But she HAS started hitting again as a 4 year old- mainly when she is getting in trouble for some other behavior. She CLEARLY does it now to get a rise out of us/or escalate a minor disagreement into a timeout-with-tantrum four alarm crisis. This scenario is bad...but it is so different from the earlier hitting that I really think it has no relationship to how we handled this at 15 months.

[Maria Wood]

@ Michelle, I am in the same boat, and would love to hear some suggestions about handling this new 4 yo stuff.

[Florabora]

Oh yeah, the toddler smackdown. Our 19 month son still does this on occasion, and the "be gentle" modeling does nothing but make him laugh.

We took a page from dog training, too, and when he does this, we redirect him to something that is ok to smack - like a drum or a ball.

I like the idea of handing the kid something to hold while you're going up the stairs with him - something even as silly as a kleenex might keep his hands occupied long enough for you to complete your grocery hauling without getting battered and without going hoarse from yelling "ouch!"

[kidsmom]

I'm in the "ignore" camp. As in stop what you are doing, put the child down, and turn your back on him/her.

The other thing that worked for me as to act legitimately pained, or hurt. Babies don't particularly want to see sad parents, and hitting does hurt.

If the ergo carrier allows this type of behavior, you may need to rethink it, even temporarily.

[jbq+h]

When my daughter did this at home around 18 months or so, I'd put her down when she hit me and say something calmly like, "I'll carry you if you don't hit me." And she'd look up at me and smile, so I'd pick her back up, and that often stopped the hitting for that time. She might hit me again later that day or the next, but I'd put her down again. Eventually it stopped.

In bed, she used to twiddle with my nose and lips, which isn't exactly the same, and that drove me CRAZY. So I'd put her hands down gently and tell her no, and if she did it again, I'd roll over. Which I did when she did. I'd give her a little time, then I'd roll back over. And thus it would progress until she stopped, which she usually did because she wanted to see my face.

My suggestion for the ergo is to put something in his hands that's soft (in case he hits you with it) and interesting. Maybe something that you bought at the store--not necessarily a prize, but something you might have bought anyway. A sponge maybe? Everybody needs those.

And kudos to you for wearing and carrying up five flights of stairs. Wow.

Good luck!

[Carmen]

So weird that this post is today... My 14 month old has started slapping me when we nurse. He nurses to sleep and to calm down so it has become rather annoying to be rocking and nursing like normal but then have his arm swing up and slap me on the chest repeatedly. I think he just thinks its fun and it seems to happen when he's tired but not tired enough to sleep so he's burning of energy or something but its VERY annoying. It sometimes helps to wear a necklace b/c he'll fiddle with that instead. I've tried holding his arm down, yelling when he does it, and I've tried just stopping the nursing and trying again later but none of it really works.

I think he just doesn't understand yet that hitting hurts so I'm *hoping* he'll just get over it soon. I'm going to continue to make him stop nursing when he does it just so he knows that he has to have certain manners in order to continue on-demand nursing.

Living your pain here!

[cm]

I just want to say how much I appreciate the message and comments on this topic. My son is 16 months old and has mostly always been acting like a happpy-puppy-dog right before biting (17 teeth already), pulling my glasses off my face, and slapping/hitting. I love him to bits, but am working hard to model and teach better ways to touch. I know it's a process. I did lots of research (another topic you covered some time ago) and found only information on anger-related hitting, etc. He's getting better at hugs and we praise him tons when he does. It is, as so many of you have said, often when he's tired or just so excited and doesn't seem to know how to express it. Again, I wanted to say how much I appreciate knowing that I'm not alone and that I'm pulling for you and me to work through this! :-)

[wendy]

No solutions here...I've got a 18 month old who loves to bite!

I hope that this doesn't sound dismissive- it isn't- but it seems as if everyone experiences this at one time or another. I think your embarassment is normal but unecessary. We are all part of this Mommy club, like it or not, and we all know too well what it feels like to be slapped in the face(literally or figuratively) by our kids. Any Mom worth her salt wouldn't dare judge your parneting skills upon seeing one bad snapshot of your child's behaviour. We all know...

Maybe eliminating shame from the mix will help you more objectively deal with his behaviour.

[Charisse]

We did the walk away thing at this age--it's harder when you're by yourself, but when your partner's home, the person who's hit can go away and the person who wasn't can stay and talk to the kid about what happened. ("Mommy went away because that hurt when you hit her...etc" on to "you need to give mommy a sorry hug--I'll come with you to find her") It probably helped that Mouse could talk fairly well by 16 months when this started, and it went away pretty quickly.

As far as the groceries, I second Becca and Elizabeth on trying the back carry if you can. It's hard in an urban life to deal with all your errands and the kid, until they get to 2 or so and can walk with a handhold at least part of the time. But could the restraint be part of it? One of the biggest hitting/tantrum problems we had--and it was totally understandable--was when Mouse was hospitalized with RSV at 21 months and was tethered up to the oxygen flow thingy. She was also on some drugs that have irritability as a side effect, but as soon as she started to feel a teeny bit better, she started slapping us (not the medical staff, just us) whenever we came in reach. Since we couldn't change the restraint or the drugs, both of which were part of the treatment, we had to go into kind of deep, deep calm mode. Deep holding, deep breaths, deep voices. Talking about the restraint and what was going on. No, we don't hit--it's not fun being here, we know. You're here to get better and we're here to help you handle it. Obviously, the groceries up the stairs is a bit less dire, but the idea would be "we don't hit. it's been a long day, we have these last few flights of stairs, you want to run around, mama will set you down as soon as we get to the door..."

Good luck! It does pass.

[Anna]

@zimbabweanjen, ("...Not sleeping for me, struggling to get him in pram, carseat, 'arguing' about clothes, diapers, eating...things that his dad can get accomplished in a few seconds...") I am laughing ruefully because this is SO true at our house too. My 13-month-old will sing happily in her car seat with her papa and fight it with all her being with me, even when I enact precisely the same rituals.

We also are dealing with the hitting thing--actually more like scratching. It pushes my buttons too because it seems so deliberate. M. looks at me, reaches up, and then rakes my cheek with her nails, just waiting for a reaction. I realize that's it--she's just testing out reactions--but oh, it is all I can do not to grab her hand and yell.

NWhen out running errands, I have good luck giving her my ATM card to hold and then hand to the checker or my keys to hold until we get to door and she can help me open it. This gives her a role in our errand, and she is so proud to help out and often too distracted to act out. I verbalize the whole thing, "hold this for mama; wow, that is so helpful; give the card to the woman/man; thank you!; etc. etc.”

We also developed a couple of alternative behaviors to, hopefully, shape the behavior in the long term:
--practice "gentle touches" during the day as well as alternative behaviors like giving five
--practice (us) a calm mantra "no hitting, that hurts mama, use gentle touches"
--teach her some basic signs to cut down on frustration

When she hits, I use my mantra to ask her not to and explain why not. I use the “hurt” sign too, to make my feelings clear. Then I give an option of an alternative behavior or a chance to re-do (gentle touches or slapping five , depending on the situation). Then lots of specific praise if she manages to be gentle and quick distraction before she returns to hitting ("look, there's a bird!")

If she does it again, I change the situation entirely by putting her down and ignoring for a very brief period if we are at home, sitting down or leaving the area if we are out and about. It is not exactly a punishment, but more a way to prevent the behavior from escalating--it will if we keep doing what we're doing--and let her know that scratching and hitting will not be allowed to continue.

I do pick something that takes away the "reward" for hitting (me there reacting to it) or that is somewhat boring (walking away from the store, sitting down, etc.) This helps with the embarrassment factor—when you walk away with your child, explaining calmly and firmly, it feels like you are “doing something” even if it makes zero difference in the short term.

[Shelley]

For the future - addressing behavior in a positive way I am reading Playful Parenting (think I got that recommendation from Moxie). There is some insight into toddler behavior also - hitting can be simply that they are experimenting with getting reactions from things they do - their own power to affect people/things. The same way that they drop food on the floor to experiment with gravity. Doesn't make it pleasant for you, but I find that understanding this makes sense and helps extend my own patience.

Also setting up some situations where he can hit without hurting - drumming, clapping and instructing him to hit lightly and to hit hard can help him develop his control. It might be worth a try, he's probably old enough to understand and play in this way.

I'm taking a similar approach to control with my child's exasperating screaming. Together we yell LOUD, then whisper softly, or we sing, etc. It is working, he has begun to understand when I ask him to talk quieter or to sing instead of yelling. The singing is heavenly. :)

[chaser]

I think at 15 months hitting is pretty sensorial – the whizz of your hand in the air! The feel of smacking your palm on skin! The exciting sharp sound! Not to mention the exciting response it gets from the other person. And at 15 months they are highly impulsive, especially when tired and overstimulated by errands.

I think the best approach for you would be whatever worked well with other impulsive, slightly-destructive behaviors. What else has come up? Being rough with pets? Biting while nursing? Ripping plants? Pulling other kids’ hair? Poking fragile objects? Think of how you handle analogous things that don’t get under your skin so much, and use your skills from that area.

My own response is a firm-but-calm “NO biting/hitting/etc,” along with removing the toddler briefly from that physical position/location. Any normal toddler will immediately try it again, and I simply repeat as often as necessary (50 times? 100?), without changing my tone. It’s not yelling, but there’s no question I’m serious; it’s calm, but firm. Mine would laugh at me too, which I agree was probably a nervous attempt to make it a game. I just ignore that, since it’s not a game.

Another response I use is to gently say “Gentle,” and model gentle touching, or make the sign for “gentle” (petting the back of one hand with the fingers of the other).

Part of what I’m saying, I guess, is that I don’t think there’s anything intrinsically special or significant about the hitting – it’s just another impulsive toddler behavior. The significance comes from its raising these issues for you, especially with your mother. I think the more insight you get into that the calmer you’ll be able to be about the hitting.

[Mommie Mentor]

Sharon Silver here.
Yes, I do have a bunch to say that can help with this one, thanks for asking Moxie!
I've been busy this morning, oops it's afternoon now, and want to read what all of you have said before I post so I don't repeat anything. Give me a little time and I'll post my thoughts.

[zimbabweanjen]

Thanks for your comments Hedra and Anna. I like the fact you 'talk' on behalf of your cat too, Hedra - we have quite the menagerie here and I'm sure I'd seem strange to onlookers! Having pets around has really helped us to enforce the whole 'gentle, careful' thing for the most part. And Anna, knowing that I'm not the only one with the 'I-obey-only-the-father' child is very comforting! Thanks ladies! Such helpful comments about the hitting problem from all the other posters as well.

[sammy]

I haven't had time to read all the other comments yet, but I am having a similar problem with my 14 month old daughter. I know in her case she just thinks the hitting is funny. She thinks its even funnier when I firmly say "NO". She had also bit us a few times, and then also laughed about it. I sometimes find it hard to keep a straight face!

my daughter is a social butterfly and very sweet for the most part, but she is also very strong willed and has strong emotions (whether happy or angry she is very intense). I suspuct that she is just exploring different emotional reactions she gets from us when she does these things.

[pnuts mama]

oh what a crazy day we are having- but making big progress on the house so i can't complain- anyway i haven't had time to read all the comments so i'll assume what i'll suggest has already been suggested.

first, i can totally relate to triggers that can set off your own powderkeg of personal flashpoints- things that would bother me probably wouldn't be a big deal to others and v/v. i do think it's important to try and identify what some of those things are, if nothing else to help you become a more aware parent. it's helped me, but like everything else i'm a work in progress as a parent, and faaaaar from perfect.

second- this also ties in to the idea that it can be a long learning curve that your personality and you children(s) are often different! this is probably a big 'duh' to lots of people but it surprised me, somewhat, to learn- which i attribute to the fact that pnut and i were attached at the hip (boob) for so long it was hard to figure out that she was a different person/personality than me. the point is that everyone learns things differently- and some kids will learn in a way that we need to learn if that wasn't the way we learn. this is clear in my husbands family- he has three brothers and they *each* learn differently. i can't imagine how that was for his mother.

third- discipline does not have to be based on fear- but a part of our responsibilities as parents is to teach boundaries- and life is much scarier for anyone who doesn't have boundaries (or has very loose ones)- i'm speaking here from the point of view of someone who works with adolescents- your instinct that you may be setting yourself up for being walked all over could be a very astute one- i've seen plenty of adults being taken advantage of by kids (and adults) of all ages- but there is no shame in setting boundaries with any person and expecting them to respect you, done in a way that doesn't invoke fear/terror.

fourth- tied to this is the idea that for many kids the simple cause/effect approach to discipline will be effective. when pnut would hit (or bite when nursing) that young i would immediately put her down, say "we don't bite/hit" and walk away for a minute- as she got older, i'd add on the "why" we don't do that- "it hurts mommy, etc." we've introduced short timeouts now as well, say when she hits another kid- we respond immediately by telling her "no, we don't hit," remove her from the area, sit her down for a minute or two, and then explain to her why she was put in time out, (we don't hit, it hurts, please say you're sorry) and then move on. does this get her upset? of course it does- but it is also teaching her that actions have consequences and that certain actions are always unacceptable. we try and pick our battles based on her age/development and what we deem as serious vs. things that just get drawn to her attention w/ a warning.

finally- i have a 'no-nonsense' mama voice that when used, gets her attention (and, apparently, the attention of other kids, toddlers and teens alike) and lets her know that i'm not screwing around. again- this is mostly a voice i save for the big-deal stuff, safety, danger or respect issues, and it lets her know that she's getting close to being in a situation where she shouldn't be. think of some of the most effective teachers you had in high school- not the ones who used terror to keep kids in line, but the ones who made it clear where the boundaries of respect and acceptable behavior were.

p.s.- it really sounds like you are in tune with your kid, and that is awesome. i don't want to mislead you to think that it's all rainbows and unicorns here- it's not- i am a yeller, (and god help me, have caught myself repeating corporal punishment that was used on me that i despise yet have done almost on instinct before i was able to stop myself) and have been working on that- i too don't want my kid growing up scared of me. but i also really believe that more than anything if a kid feels that they are in a safe and secure environment of consistent, unconditional love, that that is what they take with them, and they (mostly) leave behind the times when their parents, in their most human moments, didn't get it right.