Group hug

Holy crap, but you guys are dealing with a ton of stress!

I put up that post yesterday feeling bad about wussing out on a real post, but too fried because of this thing with my friend (and my internet access being down at home for several hours). I had no idea so many of you were going through so much.

I guess this is a real lesson. I know lots of you were really shocked when I announced the divorce, because you thought I had it all together. And I was so nervous about announcing it, because I thought all of you had everything under control in your own lives and would be disappointed in me. And then I thought I was the only one trying to tread water yesterday, but some of you are dealing with so much more than the rest of us had any idea about.

I think it's astounding that we're all doing such a good job holding it together the way we are. It's a testament to how strong we are, even when we don't realize it about ourselves. And I'm glad to be able to make a place where you guys can unload some of it.

Comments

[anonthistime]

@emily: yes, that post helped a lot! thank you

@charisse: tonight was worse because he fell asleep in the car at 5pm for half an hour. even though i was expecting it, it was still pretty brutal. he's on one nap per day now, for precisely this reason. my fault for letting the time get away with me at my friend's house!

@everyone: sorry for hijacking thread... thanks for reassurance. i really felt horrible about it.

[anonthistimetoo]

@anonthistime - sometimes i have horrible images too, because i'm so desperate for more sleep. i think it's ok. most people never admit it but i imagine a lot of people think it at the darkest moments. it's not what you think but what you do that matters. remember this too shall pass...

[Cloud]

@anonthistime- I get the urge to scream, bang my head on the wall (two urges I've acted on), and to yell at Pumpkin (which I have not done). So far, no urge to shake Pumpkin or anything, but I think that is more a sign of my tendancy to internalize anger than anything more healthy. Also, the night I just let her crawl around, I was completely *done*, if you know what I mean. Hubby came in and took over, because I clearly wasn't going to do anything constructive. I don't think you're sick in the "they should take your kids away from you" sense at all. As long as you are recognizing the anger and not acting on it, I think you're probably pretty healthy.

I'd check into the PPD thing, especially if you're also weaning around now. I have read that PPD can show up when you wean. I'm really nervous about that, but Pumpkin's not keen enough on cow's milk yet for that to be an issue for me.

[Jan]

@Melba: We had it read at our wedding, because that's exactly the way I think love should be.

@anonthistime: I seem to remember that when I took my pre-baby parenting class, we were told that if you ever start having thoughts about hurting yourself or the baby, you should talk to a doctor. In my opinion, if the images scare you, it would be worth checking out. Not because I think you're crazy or sick, but because people DO crack and it seems like you'd be better to be safe than sorry, you know?

And for the poster with the obsessive bad-story-checking, have you read this post?

http://www.askmoxie.org/2007/04/qa_postpartum_i.html

Might be something there that helps, even if it's only commiseration.

[andrea]

@ anonforthis, I too have had those violent images when the girls have refused to go to sleep. My take on it has been that IMAGINING doing it is my mind's way of releasing the tension so that I don't actually DO it. It makes me feel like the most horrible mother, but from various things I have read, it is actually very common. Perhaps you will feel less anxious about it if you come up ahead of time with a plan for what to do if you ever think you will follow through. Ie. I will force myself to walk away/I will go to the toilet/I will get a drink/I will call a helpline/whatever. And watch out for the physical signs that tend to precede these surges of anger. For me, it's jaw clenching and my stomach seizing up.

@Julieta: I also find myself spending ridiculous amounts of time worrying about my babies dying or me dying (not that I am much of a prize of a mother at the moment, but hopefully once I get this PPD under control I'll be better). It seizes me with panic sometimes. I see potential dangers everywhere - let alone illnesses no one can see coming. I don't go on long car trips with them because I'm scared of a car accident. We booked a holiday recently to have something to look forward to, but now I'm terrified of something happening on holiday: plane crash, car accident, etc. Anyway, for me, I think this anxiety is PPD related, though I am a bit of a worrier in general. I like that distraction technique that was suggested for you and I'll try it out myself.

[toomuchstrong]

I'm bawling into my laptop and I'm only halfway through reading your comments...Could you please come over to my house and share a glass (case) of wine with me? You are magnificent people.

[Lisa F.]

hugs to everyone, and Moxie, you rock, for your honesty, your REALNESS.

no time to respond to everyone, but I'm soaking up all the words I read, the great quotes, the difficult things folks are dealing with, and this amazing community. I hope I can find some IRL moms who will be brave enough to be this real.

[Jen L.]

Ladies, good luck to all of you with the challenges you (and all of us) are facing!

Seems like there are a lot of us gearing up to move. We should all get in touch and support each other--it's rough. My husband and I are relocating, with our four-month-old, to Alabama from NYC. I'd love to touch base with some of the others who are moving.

Hugs all around!

[Amy]

@anonthistime--You are NOT alone... nor are you a bad mother. Have you tried CIO? It sounds like your son is like my #1 who totally failed at CIO... but at least it gave me something to *try* for a few weeks so that when I sat in his room after that rocking and shushing and pacing I knew that I had exhausted all my other options. I've gotten to where I let #3 CIO as well--even though he's a tension builder--because with the late daylight he rouses about an hour after going to bed and thinks it was just a nap... and on weekdays with homework and baths and everything else I have going on with the older ones, having #3 gleefully toddling around after his bedtime really brings on the head-smashing images. (Though the CIO breaks my heart... so each night I have to weigh which I can handle and act accordingly. Score one for consistency!)

It's all just a process... #1 is now 8 and gives me no bedtime troubles at all! Can you hang in there that long??? ;)

And did someone say Hedra had a blog??

[Maria]

I've been away for awhile, and wow. Sorry to be so very late to the game, but Moxie, I am truly sorry for your divorce and I admire your strength. Same goes for so many others here. This community is amazing! I second a round of margaritas, too.

@anonthistime: I know just sitting there in the dark waiting for Mio to go to sleep was driving me insane. I found listening to audiobooks helped a lot - it was giving me something to do other than obsessing over the fact that he didn''t sleep yet, and with the small earphones he didn't notice it or I'm sure it wouldn't have worked (need! mama's! attention!)

[marypoppins]

@anonthistime

I suffered terribly with intrusive thoughts with my first child, together with PPD, so double-whammy. I was having them dozens of times per day, so knew this wasn't just my mind playing tricks on me. When do you have yours? If it's just during those moments when you can't get your boy to sleep, it is probably the stress from the situation. if its constant, you might want to talk to a professional about it. Mine turned out to be a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and it was such a relief to know it was manageable and that I wasn't a bad person. I dealt with mine doing cognitive therapy (check on line as there is so much info about it that really helps). Hope this helps

[hedra]

@anonthistime, I was voting for PP-OCD, myself. I get that combined with PP-anxiety, and PPD, kind of in series (with overlap). Woo. Treatments differ for each. And PP-OCD doesn't have some of the 'typical' signs of PPD, so if you do a checklist it doesn't look 'right'. Call the doc and mention 'intrusive thoughts' - that's one of the bell-ringers for treatment. There are therapists who specialize in PPD, too.

[Mommy-O]

Wow, I just had the biggest breakthrough. I have been feeling the anxiety that Julieta mentions with #2 - 5 mo. Of course I had anxieties with #1 but they were in the normal realm of first time parenting. With #2 I am having a harder time turning the thoughts off. Fear of everything: abduction, pedophiles, illness etc.

We spent the first week of my sons life in NICU with him on antibiotics because his white blood cell count and bilirubins were high. They even did a lumbar puncture. I know that set the tone for the anxiety even though everything turned out alright and all the cultures came up negative. So I should feel relief right?

But as I was reading through the comments about the horrible things that have happen/been happening to people and the fears of bad things happening I finally made the connection. My son is fast approaching 9 mo. At 9 mo my robust daughter was found to have a heart murmur. The pediatrician and pediatric cardiologist were convinced that it was just an innocent murmur so we put off the echocardiogram (kids under 3 yo have to be sedated here). At about 20 mths she was having another procedure where she would be put under so they did the echo and found she has 4 heart defects, one of which they treated fairly quickly by cardiac cathertization (baloon angioplasty). She is doing well and will be monitored for life to keep an eye on the other defects but it really threw me at the time. As my son approaches 9 mo I am realizing that I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Just realizing this has had a huge effect on me. What a relief.

[jlg]

@anonthistime I would second Maria's suggestion for finding something to do while you sit with the baby. When my son was about a year, I dreaded bedtime because I had to sit with him for an hour or more, waiting for him to finally settle. My mind would race with all of the other things I needed to do. I finally realized that the night-light in his room was just barely bright enough to read by, and my outlook changed. I started reading for pleasure, and I felt much better about bedtime. Audio books are a terrific suggestion.

[Shelley]

Julieta and Andrea -- that technique truly works if you stick with it. Effects aren't immediate, but I swear over time it works wonders.

But mostly what I wanted to say: You made me smile. :) Thanks for giving me the feeling of having helped somebody a little bit -- what a great way to start off Friday!

[rosie]

moxie, i came to your blog when my twins were a few months old. they weren't sleep and i was losing it.

they're over two now and they sleep. but most days, i still feel like i'm losing it. i started anti-depressants a couple of months ago (finally...i'm pretty sure i've been suffering from post-partum depression for awhile) but i don't think they're working.

i'm overwhelmed with the day to day, with the construction going on in our apartment building, with the rain in the city, with feeding these toddlers.

it's hard. but i do see that i'm not alone when i'm reading your blog. and that does provide a small measure of comfort. i have no local mom friends so the internet is where i go for advice and commiseration. my single friends do not understand.

[Julieta]

@Mommy-O: No way! The similarity is weird. When DS was a week old (on Father's day, no less) I took him to urgent care because he had a fever and wasn't eating well since the day before. Plus, he kind seemed like he was in pain when I moved him. Having been so paranoid with #1, I was pretty sure they were going to tell me it was nothing and send me home. Not the case. I ended up in the hospital with him, where they did a spinal tap to find the source of his unknown infection. The next morning as I tried to feed him, he went limp and the nurse in the room yelled "Help, help!" out the door and called Code white (infant code blue). They stabilized him and rushed him to the NICU where I spent the next 8 days watching him go through tests, PICC lines, IV's, antibiotics, and more apnea episodes. Unable to feed him for those 8 days. And they never knew what caused the infection. So, yes, lots of residual "will that happen again?" especially not knowing if it was some birth defect lurking. Waiting.

I can imagine that having your DD with heart issues doubles your anxiety. But I'm glad that you can connect the fears to something logical, and that it helps you.

[Mommy-O]

@Julieta,

I am so sorry that you went through that. It must have been scary.

I wasn't allowed to feed my DS for the first couple of days either because he was jaundiced. When I finally was allowed to feed him it was timed because he had to get back to the phototherapy. Talk about stress. My milk still hadn't come in and I was trying to will it out of my boobs while the nurses kept popping by to give me pointers how to breastfeed even though I breastfed DD for 2 1/2 years. My being able to bunk in at the hospital was dependent on the fact that I was nursing. The loss of control for a Type A personality like me was huge.

There is a relief in knowing that you can go home and that it is over but the anxiety seems to hang on and I am reassured less by statistics because we had been told a few times in both situations, oh it's nothing/rare only to have it happen. Hence my reason for making therapy one of my 60 day challenge goals.

I wish you calm.

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