Body talk

I've been thinking a lot about my body lately. What it's good for, what it looks like. How I feel about it, and how someone else is going to feel about it. How I'm taking care of it better than I ever have before.

One of the things I've been feeling sad about is how back when I was young and had a stunning body I still hated it. Back before I got married I was actually pretty (I can say that now, looking at photos from back then) and there was not a single thing wrong with my body. I can't believe I wasted all those years hating it and wishing I looked different. All my imagined flaws.

Now, post-kids and on cortisol overload for a decade, my body really does have flaws. And it's been a struggle and journey for me to feel like I don't need to punish myself for having this body. One of my friends on the T-Tapp message boards recently had this huge insight that working out isn't a punishment because she's fat. Instead, it's just what she needs to do to take care of her body, no matter what size she is.

I'm amazed at the changes I'm seeing in my body since I've actually been doing T-Tapp on a regular basis (3 times a week since January). It's interesting to me that I feel better about myself and my own physical attractiveness now than I did back when my body was truly beautiful. But there's still so much work for me to do, both in caring for my body and in accepting it.

Do you guys want to talk about this? I feel like body image is the shadow of so many things that we experience as mothers and as women.

Comments

[Joy]

@anonymous- I feel so sorry for what you're going through. I'm about 40 lbs. heavier than my wedding weight, and a few years ago DH (who also struggles with body image) and I had a conversation along those same lines, except he was expressing his dissapointment in our sex life, attributing it more to me not being as attracted to him as I was when he was thinner. I think really it was a combination of me not feeling as good about myself and therefore not as sexy, and having babies and less energy. But also it was about me just not thinking about sex as much, and almost forgetting how enjoyable it is. It was just. too. much. effort.
I was devastated for a while, and didn't know if things could ever get better, but one day I got really mad at myself for being devestated. We didn't have any money for anything at the time, so I could't buy excercise equip or gym memberships or anything, but I knew I had to do something to start feeling better. I made a list of all the things I could do to spice up my sex life (like, as if I were going to write a book for new moms who needed sex advice.) I came up with about 100 things. Then, the more I just made the effort to *think* about sex, the more I wanted it, and I started talking to DH about it and we started to do some of the things.
Now, about 5 years and another baby later, well, lets just say last night we both stirred at about 4 am and couldn't get back to sleep, so one thing led to another, and...

For us, it made a huge difference when I started to feel better about myself and *act* sexier, even though I never lost any weight, in fact actually gained a little more, and initiated more often, which helped him feel better about himself and his appeal to me.

I don't know if this will help your situation, but at the time I felt there was an irreparable damage to our relationship, but with some effort we worked through it and could move on. Good luck to you.

[DC Ranger]

This hits home big time, because I've been struggling with this for years. Up until my mid-20s I only weighed 120 lbs, but felt terribly self-conscious nonetheless thanks to having seriously bad stretch marks due to growth spurts in my mid-teens. But, like so many others, what I would give to have that slender body back! I never had to work hard to maintain that weight - I enjoyed exercising for its own sake and just seemed to naturally gravitate towards a healthy diet. Now, after 10 years of hypothyroidism (which packed on 20 lbs that I have NEVER been able to lose, no matter how strenuous my diet & exercise), several autoimmune disorders, on and off antidepressant & birth control pill use (both major weight contributors for me), and 1 pregnancy, I'm 50 lbs overweight and drained and exhausted all the time.

@Hedra, I've had a similar experience as you. Looking in the mirror, I realized I was a bit bigger overall, of course, but I never thought I looked "that" bad, in spite of the above list of problems. It's only when I see recent photos of myself that it hits me just how large I am compared to my old self.

Another source of sadness is that, even though my pregnancy went well, and I assumed I would have a natural delivery and wanted so badly to breastfeed, not only did I wind up having an emergency C-section, but breastfeeding was a failure, thanks to a whole lot of crazy external factors that I couldn't really control. Having always been insanely UNathletic (gym class during my school years was a nightmare, though I loved exercising on my own), I think I felt like childbirth was an opportunity for me to feel really strong and powerful in my body for once. It hurts that I was denied that experience, and considering how much I'm struggling now, I'm not sure I'll ever have another opportunity with a 2nd child.

The other thing stressing me is that due to the thyroid stuff and various food sensitivities (wheat, dairy, soy, sugar), I know from my experience over the last 10 years that I have to do EVERYTHING right to really feel mentally and physically better and lose weight - vigorous daily exercise, allergen-free diet, vitamins, stress reduction, etc. Just doing one of those items unfortunately doesn't make much difference for me. I used to have several hours every day to devote to all that, but now, with the time constraints & stress of working full time plus caring for my toddler, I'm finding it impossible. I keep turning to the very foods I should be avoiding, because those make me feel better *in this moment*, though they're poison for me long-term. I feel like I'm just dragging myself through each day, and I just can't seem to figure out how to make things better.

[caro]

Moxie, aren't you doing the same thing now that you did back when you were "really pretty"? In 10 years, won't you believe *this* is a time you were really beautiful, too?

I wrote about this, sort of, recently. Am linking to it in my sig. It's a struggle to believe the new mom body is gorgeous, but on good days I can.

[hedra]

@Charisse, Thanks for the perspective of the dad's opinion. I think that counts a LOT. And I'm still not comfy with NEVER saying 'smart/beautiful' - I'm working through the idea (it's a new one for me), and I'm always more comfortable with a middle road than an extreme end anyway. With the smarts stuff, we talk about both the general and the specific - the how, why, and what, all together.

And as I continue to think about it, I realize that I'm most comfortable with the things that were described in detail as beautiful - my eyes, for example. The general statement was maybe just too general without a lot of 'litany' to go with it (and that's one place my mom didn't do litanies). Certainly, never hearing you're beautiful from your parents seems pretty extreme and damaging, too... (granted, way too late for that to ever happen with us!)

[caro]

(Tried to post this before, but don't see it...apologies if it double posts.)

In 10 years will you look back at your body now and wish you'd appreciated how beautiful it is?

I wrote about some body stuff recently (link in sig). It's a struggle to believe the mom body is beautiful, but on the good days I really can.

[Joy]

Also, I wanted to say that when I was in 5th grade I had a meltdown because I hated my clothes, they weren't stylish, and I didn't have much say in picking them out, and my mom and dad, who I don't think had any idea at that point that I even worried about that stuff yet, took me shopping, bless their hearts. My mom, who was kind of a hippy at heart, never really taught me much about primping. (She got me teen magazines instead... talk about not helping to boost a young girls self image.) Makeup was totally out of the question until I reached an unspecified age, no ear piercing, etc. And boy did I want to be girly. (I also wanted to climb trees, but I think we covered some of that in the Daring Book For Girls Post.) I remember that moment like it was yesterday.

So now, with my 5 yr. old daughter, instead of telling her how pretty she is, I ask her what she thinks. I let her wear dresses to play tea party in the yard even if she wants to climb trees in them, too. I fix her hair how she wants me to fix it. (most of the time.) I let her watch me plucking eyebrows and curling my hair and testing lipsticks and let her play with her own play makeup too if she wants to. I want her to learn what she likes or doesn't like to do to feel good about herself.

While I don't want her to grow up to be all prissy and vain, I really enjoy seeing her look in the mirror and smile at how pretty she thinks she looks.

[Bobbi]

"While I don't want her to grow up to be all prissy and vain, I really enjoy seeing her look in the mirror and smile at how pretty she thinks she looks. "

You, my dear, have NAILED it...I will be reminded of your words here for some time. Thanks for giving me a new perspective. Because while I truly believe we all WANT to impart a healthy self-love on our daughters, I bet very few of us actually know how to accomplish that. This was perfect...

[Bridget Rink]

It's so important for us to remember this while we're still married. I know we can't control when we have an epiphany, but for those of us who are married and want to share our bodies with confidence, it's important to take care of ourselves as if we are still single. It amazes me how we take great care of ourselves until we get married and then slack off, under the guise of having kids but really it's laziness (at least for me) and then wonder why our spouses aren't as attracted to us. Or why they're having an affair. Or why we don't feel like having sex anymore. But almost every newly single girlfriend I have suddenly drops weight, colors her hair, hits the gym, etc. Why don't we do that while we're still married? Maybe it would help give our marriages the boost they need.

[meggiemoo]

I'm like Hedra... my body image is skewed, but the other way. Looking out of my eyes at the world, I feel thinner than I look. I'm constantly running my hips into things because I don't realize how big they are. Then I catch a glimpse of myself in a store window, or see a picture, and I'm like, "Whoa! Who is that fat lady?"

Before I had my son, I used to shower with the light off. (and just a nightlight on). Seriously. I told my DH it was because I didn't like the harsh overhead lighting, but I realized that I was really trying not to ever SEE myself. Really see myself.

I have about 60 pounds to lose, and am trying to make this a priority (I refuse to go through another summer not comfortable in my skin), but life gets in the way.

Mostly though, I remember that my mother, who was thin even after 6 children, but gained a lot of weight after menopause, disliked having her picture taken after she gained weight. I want to feel better in my skin before my toddler notices. And starts asking me, "Mommy, why don't you wear shorts?"

[hedra]

Yeah, Joy's got it.

That's how we address so many things in our lives with our kids.

But (again as we discussed in the Dangerous Book for Girls post(s)), I rejected 'girly/feminine' at a very early age, for myself. So I'm still feeling my way through the normalcy stuff.

And yes, my girls do wear pretty dresses (they pick their clothes), and sometimes jeans (though they are big on comfort, and jeans don't stretch around the knees, so they're more into yoga flares), and often a jumble of whatever they feel like (and often changing two or three times before breakfast, because something doesn't feel or look right). And on the rare occasion that I do my nails, I do theirs, too (water-based nail polish is all *I* can tolerate, so they get to play, too). And they play with, um, lip balm. Makeup... see, I don't put on makeup much around them. And I don't 'do' my hair around them, either - it's usually wet when I leave the house (takes forEVER to dry, and goes totally flyaway if I dry it with heat, and... well, pain in the rear). So, they're not seeing much to model.

Still, maybe I'm doing better on that than I think I'm doing, though I still have a ways to go to get to Joy's ease with it (and frankly, her success with it - but maybe it's age? Mine are just 3 1/2 still.). I'm just wary, I guess. There's so much baggage with femininity and beauty in this culture.

[hedra]

(dang, was trying to say - they wear pretty dresses and climb rocks and play in them 'like real clothes' unlike the 'a dress = no playing' rules I was brought up around.)

[Heather]

I had this amazing revelation the other day. I typically feel that I am not very attractive and have always grappled with that. Now that I have daughters, I vacillate between 1) being worried that they will turn out to look like me and 2) remembering that I need to accept myself in order to be a good role model for them (regardless of who they turn out to look like). Well, the other day I did something, a simple bodily gesture, that initially made me feel self-conscious and stupid because I thought I looked stupid doing it. In the next moment, I realized I've seen my daughter do the same thing, obviously having learned it from me. And she does it with such a look of pure joy on her face. And when I thought of her doing this thing, it made my heart swell and I thought how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. And then I felt that love for myself in that same moment. Seeing her be so beautiful doing this same thing as me changed how I viewed myself in that moment. And then I realized what a gift children can be, in that they can really help you learn to love yourself when all else fails to help you do that. Seems simplistic and overly zen but was really a riveting moment for me.

[Charisse]

omg, I love it Joy!!

@hedra, I agree on the middle ground--I try to talk about it in specifics or about *how* it's cool that Mouse has a really good memory, for example. A la "wow, smartypants, you remembered that all the way from last year? It's really cool that you can do that, that will help you a lot with anything you want to learn". I thinks it's important to both acknowledge gifts in a grateful sense and praise effort and tenacity. And earlier, you gave me a way to talk about the effort aspect of beauty in addition to the gift aspect, with the putting clothes together thing--thanks!

Somewhat off topic, Mouse is invited to a unicorn karate party this weekend. (Two opposite gender kids creating a party together.) This is the kinda thing that makes me smile on the gender front.

[Bridget]

I'm not getting the whole "heart goes out to anonymous" bit here. Your husband loves you enough to tell you, in a very kind way, that he's not attracted to you anymore because you've gained so much weight. If your husband drank too much beer every night and it was affecting his health and your opinion of him, wouldn't you say so? If your marriage and sex life are being impacted by your weight, lose it! Instead of making your hubby into the bad guy, take responsibility for your body, health, and food choices to change it. I promise you that the bowl of ice cream is not worth your marriage. Beating the battle of the bulge, I well know, will boost your self-esteem so much that you will have a renewed energy to tackle the other issues in your marriage. It's insane that we don't accept our own bodies when we're fat and miserable but chastise our partners when they feel the same way. If we want to stay married, as I said above, we need to pay a little more attention to our appearance and health. We certainly did before we got married and if any of us got divorced, I bet we would start to again.

[clementine]

This discussion is so helpful to me. Joy and Hedra, you've really helped capture some of the essential issues (helping them see themselves as pretty and knowing that hearing it from Mom doesn't carry much weight (I remember that, too) but making much of the actions). I'm glad to hear that others are struggling with these same issues.

[Sherry]

Anonymous, there's a chance your husband's words were not so much about your weight as about his shame over not being into sex at the moment. He may be having issues -- not related to your weight -- and is looking for a place to lay the blame.

[sue]

@anonymous

Oh, how I feel for you. I remember once, early in our relationship, my boyfriend (now husband) was away on a business trip for a while and to impress him on his first night back, I went out and bought some fancy lingerie. His reaction when I walked into the room - laughter.
In retrospect, it was probably nervous laughter, but 10 years later, I've never really gotten over it. It didn't make or break our relationship, obviously, but is also nowhere near in the same league as what your husband said.
I second what someone said about focusing on your fitness and sexuality for your own sake, not for his. It sounds like you could do with some self-image improvement, so do what you need to do to feel good about yourself. Once you're there, things will work out, and you'll be ok, even if things don't necessarily work out between the two of you.

[m]

For most of my teens and twenties I had a pretty bad self-image. I thought I was fat. Of course, in my twenties I looked back at myself as a teen and thought I was so cute! I was my largest around my wedding (four years ago, age 29) and when I first got our wedding photos back I cried and cried because I didn't realize how ugly I looked. At the time, I really wished we hadn't had any photos, that way I would have remembered the beautiful day as it was and not skewed through my terrible self-loathing. Now, of course, I can look at some of them and see that I was beautiful, but I still don't really look at them. Just the two we have framed. I hope that changes. Maybe in ten years? ;)

I now have two kids (25 month old and a 3 month old) and I've never loved my body more. I was one of those weird freaks who lost a lot of weight soon after giving birth--I was wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes 3 weeks post-birth. And the weight kept dropping. I don't know why. I think it may have been a combination of breastfeeding, sleep deprivation (hey, it does have a silver lining!) and having really changed how I took care of my body while pregnant through healthy eating and exercise and continued with that (minus the exercise).

I don't own a scale, but my best friend does and whenever I visit, I hop on. At my thinnest, right around when Boy Two was conceived I was what I weighed when I was 15. I'm 33. It wasn't a goal, but man, it felt good.

I have no idea what I weigh now and don't really care. I feel good and can completely ignore the belly hang, drooping breasts, and stretch marks when I look at myself. I feel so strong, so powerful.

I have never felt more beautiful than when I was pregnant and never stronger than when giving birth. Now, when I look at my body, I feel pride and awe at what it can do and has done.

My balding hair, however, is a totally different story....though that's getting better, too. (Not the baldness, but how I feel about it.) Sigh.

[Sky]

This is something I've thought about quite a bit over the years. I've always had a good body image and I've been, by and large, pretty happy with how I look and my weight. Over the years, I've found it quite perplexing that practically every woman I know has been perpetually on a diet and negatively obsessed with their body size/image, when I thought most of them looked great. It's not that I'm perfect (I'm hardly a model!), but my mum passed on a fantastic body image to me. It wasn't just that I was told that I was pretty (as other posters mentioned, this isn't enough on its own), but that my mum seemed to like the way she looked.

I'm not explaining this very well 'cos I'm knackered (7 month old still waking several times a night), but do you remember when you were a little girl, you thought you're mum looked absolutely fabulous? I thought my mum was a princess when she was dressed up to go out, she looked so pretty, with her hair done, her make up on, a nice dress and high heels. I wanted to look just like her. If I thought she was perfect then what would it have done to me to see her continually criticising her body, dieting and complaining about her weight/skin/whatever.

She never dieted, she ate what the rest of the family ate, including puddings (we all ate a pretty healthy diet) and she focused on making the most of herself and looking after herself. I hope I can do as good a job for my daughter of body image modelling. I'm currently 2 dress sizes overweight, because I put on weight after my daughter was born as I was pretty severely anaemic for 6 months and was eating constantly to try to scrape together enough energy to drag myself through the day. Things are improving and buying a few nice clothes to fit my current shape has helped and with more exercise and better eating, things will continue to improve. I'm resisting (so far!) the allure of drastic diets and trying to focus on exercise and getting strong again.

I'm reading the comments with interest and look forward to the discussion.

[Kristie]

The "one thing I would change" about my body has ALWAYS been wishing for longer and thinner legs. While I hate my saddlebags, my husband loves them and thinks they are sexy, and tells me so often.

One of the most important things I hope to teach my daughter is to value and respect her body. To think she is beautiful and worthy, just because she is her. I'm not exactly sure how to do this, because I'm not immune to the self-image criticism, but it's getting better. I think everyone has that "one thing".

[anonymous]

@Bridget, I appreciate what you're saying, and that's sort of how my husband tried to frame it, that he loved me enough to say this to me. But the thing is, the first time he said something about it (before the "discussion" came up) he said something in anger and it was NOT in a kind and loving way. He also implied that he wanted to sleep with other women. Or had thought about it. And was also looking at porn a lot after I'd gone to bed at night. And had turned me down for sex about a billion times before. And had lots of other issues related to mental health, anger, and employment.

I was not particularly thin and fit when we got married either, I've gained 20 lbs or so since then. He's done nothing to support any changes I've tried to make, like watching the kiddo so I could exercise, helping me plan for healthy groceries, or supported my efforts to not just sit around watching tv all night. And I have tried, but get easily discouraged. Also, I have chronic pain issues so that makes exercising more difficult. Dan Savage ran several columns about this issue recently (right about the time my husband said this to me, I think he was partly inspired by it), and while he came down where Bridget does, he also made it clear that anyone who expects their partner get fit needs to help them get that way. Also, my husband is not fit himself and is at least 40 lbs heavier than he was when we got married.

But I think that Sherry is partly right, that it was somewhat about him. Especially his lack of employment and shame about that.

And also, to make it clear, it's not that I wouldn't get fit and try to lose weight, and indeed I have tried and had some minor success, BUT that I don't know that I've healed myself about weight enough NOT to hear it echoing in my mind as rejection, and rejection based on the one thing I didn't think someone who loved me could reject me for. Even if it was said out of love.

[anonforthis]

About the husbands- I really feel that people are attracted to PEOPLE, not just bodies, and would like to say I thought I looked great and was at an optimum weight, and taking good care of myself...when my husband was cheating on me. HE had problems. HE didn't believe he could ever be loved, especially not by someone he respected. He cheated on me with a woman we always joked about, because she was pretty, well, dumb, and wore way too much makeup and had big fake boobs. It wasn't about her body. It was about how having sex with her made him feel. Attractive, exciting, whatever. Clearly, I married a man with some issues. There's a lot more to it than that, and believe me, I am giving you the short version, but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT if your husband cheats on you. It is not those extra pounds. It is not your saggy boobs. That said, taking good care of yourself mentally and physically because you DESERVE NOTHING LESS, and REALLY communicating with your spouse and maintaining closeness is hard work, but that's what it takes. It took THREE years of therapy, including one on antidepressants, before I recovered. The work we put into our marriage was returned to us, and I look back on those hard times now and feel gratitude to the universe for offering love back to me, and to myself, for having faith in the ability of human beings to change- myself included.

Please don't beat yourself up when other people make irresponsible, hurtful choices. It will only make it harder to take good care of yourself later, not easier.

[Shelley]

My body is different post-baby. I did have to work to lose the baby weight, although I am a person with a pretty narrow bone structure and have never had to struggle with weight particularly. T-Tapp has helped with muscle tone, and I'm probably about 5 lbs. heavier than I was, but I'm totally OK with that. I never wore a bikini when I was in my 20s, and don't really want to now, and think I look pretty OK in my tankini!

At 39, I like myself much, much better than I did when I was in my 20s. I'm also much happier than I was then. I'm happier now with my body than I was then, feel sexier than I did, and I guess that's ultimately why.

[Anonymous]

Oh, god, I could have written your post, here -- except that I don't feel more physically attractive, now. I just feel that it doesn't matter that I feel dumpy and worn looking because I have other things to do.

When I was younger I was incredibly thin (not on purpose) and had beautiful skin. But I felt scrawny and unwomanly and felt that my large Italian nose and thick glasses made me ugly. (Eventually I did get contacts.) I look at those pictures now and see a beautiful girl who could stand to eat more.

Now I'm 30 pounds heavier (mostly at the waist) and I can't wear contacts anymore. I'm still saddled with the nose and I've got rosacea.

I'm aware that the rest of the world doesn't see me this way, and that I would never apply this kind of judgment to others, but the best I've been able to do is to try to put it out of my mind.

And all the while in the back of my head I think that I should become athletic or see a decent dermatologist, but I can't seem to prioritize it over computers and books.

[onehappycow]

Well, this certainly is something I struggle with daily. I have NEVER had bad self-esteem. In fact, even though I knew I had work to do on myself, I always had a great sense of self and of comfort in my own skin. I was smallest at my wedding and was largest before I got pregnant (in part due to depression eating status post prior miscarriage). I had a wonderful pregnancy and kept my weight gain to an appropriate amount. I had a very positive birth experience and afterward dropped about 15 lbs right away. Despite breastfeeding and walking constantly with a colicky/reflux/high needs baby, I never really lost the rest. But I maintained. Until I had to move home to my family while my husband was in school (military). I gained 20 lbs in 4 mos! Part of it was I had surgery, then the weather went to shit, and the rest probably overeating.

Fast forward to now and I am still struggling to lose that weight. I have lost about 10 lb so far, but am still about 50 lb overweight. (I carry it well, but really hate myself naked - the stretch marks, belly hang, saggy boobs, etc). This is new for me. I have never felt this bad. Top it off with crazy hair (I HAVE had it done and can't seem to find that easy style I need right now) and a face that is more broken out than when I was 13! I am still nursing, although that weight loss myth still chaps my ass! I am really working on eating, and know I need to move more. Getting outside to walk now that it is nice is helping, although with a toddler who just really started teething and has never been reliable about naps, is not easy to find time. I want to get T-Tapp but wonder if I will actually make myself do it (I know I know I just need to do it, but I am also studying for a big exam (lactation consultant) in July).

Whew! Do I have enough excuses? Anyways, I am a work in progress. My friends all can't believe that I am having this much issue because, despite being the heaviest by far, they tell me they always looked up to me for my confidence and self-esteem. Trust me, its hard for me too. Yet, like hedra and others have mentioned, I still am shocked at how bad I look in pictures (and sometimes when I catch a glance in the mirror). I am so proud of my body for its strength in growing a baby, laboring and birthing her, nursing and wearing her constantly as a baby, continuing to nourish her as a toddler; yet, I can't keep that in my mind when I am repulsed by my appearance. The time when I really should love myself and be proud (being a woman and empowered, etc), and then I have never felt worse. Crazy crazy stuff.

Feeling better about the weight as I am starting to slowly see results, and feeling good with movement. The facial acne is KILLING me. I can live with a crazy hair do for now. But the face? Kick in the pants, I tell ya.

I was raised in a family that clearly has weight problems and with a mom who constantly is "dieting" although still overweight. Somehow I came out of that unscathed (until now), but I hope to pass all of that positive self-confidence and esteem on to my daughter.

I am pressed for time (need to study) and am only hoping this makes sense.

Good luck everyone, and what a great discussion.

[Beth]

@MrsHaley- I could have written the exact same thing. Yes, I like what exercise does for my body, but I defintiely do it more for the "runner's high" than anything else.

I have always had body image issues. Even at my smallest, when my husband thought I was grossly thin, I thought my thighs were still a little too chunky. When I look at pictures from just before I got pregnant, I LOVE the way my body looks, though I didn't then. Man, was my belly flat.

I wouldn't say I wear my saggy skin or my stretch marks as badges of honor, but I do think about my body in a completely different way now. I loved my pregnant body, and I felt so free not worrying about whether I looked fat every moment of every day. Maybe how I feel now is a bit of a holdover from that?

My little boy is 11 months old now and just very recently weaned. I loved breastfeeding. I knew I was holding onto 10 or so pounds because of it, but I was so happy to do it. I didn't think that much about my flabby body, and when I did have negative thoughts, I pushed them away by telling myself I was sustaining life with this body and doing the best thing for my son. Even now, at 5 pounds over where I was pre-pregnancy (when I was unhappy with my body), when I pass a mirror, my first thought is "hey, I look good!" Maybe 10 months of telling myself that I loved my body for what it was doing for my son and that it looked really good for a girl who "just had a baby" made a positive change in my self image for good!

[Maria Wood]

Hooray! Hedra has a blog!

My body is a source of constant distress and the focus of unbelievable amounts of thought and energy every single day. I was in great shape (well, who wasn't?) as a post-adolescent: dancing daily, teaching aerobics, living a 20-something lifestyle. Things deteriorated a bit in my mid and late 20s when I went on the road with a band – long hours in a van and road food do not a healthy lifestyle make. But looking back, I still looked great, felt strong and healthy, and could wear clothing.

I gained about 40 pounds while pregnant, and a fair amount of it simply never came off. My weight loss plan was for it to melt away because I was breastfeeding, and it didn't really happen. I got down to within a size or two of my pre-baby self, but never made it back into my old clothes.

I don't weigh myself, never have, don't think it's particularly productive to focus on a number rather than how I feel, so I don't know where I am exactly compared to previous weights. But I do know that I gained a lot back during the past couple of years, and most importantly I know that I feel awful about myself. Clothes don't fit me properly, I'm ashamed of how I look, and feel powerless to do anything about it. I had a brief rally last fall, when I went back down to about where I was a year or so post-baby. Not pre-pregnancy, but not too far off.

Objectively – as objectively as I can, which is not completely - I don't think I'm really hideous or that my size and shape are truly unreasonable. But I have an overhanging pouchy belly that is, to me at least, fairly outrageous, and my hips/thighs/bum are, I don't know, pretty big and really jiggly and it all just makes me feel like shit.

I have been trying and failing (witness our 60 day challenges) to commit to even a token exercise program, but I can't figure out how to fit it in, timewise, money-wise, energy wise. I do know and understand that exercise gives energy, doesn't take it away. And that my mood, self-image, and confidence would all benefit. But so far I haven't managed it.

I know about myself that I am a group-exercise gal (interesting, as in most other arenas I'm pretty independent). I have tried enough exercise programs at home to know that I don't have it in me to start cold and stick with it, even for a short time. So I need to join a gym or find some dance classes. Where I currently live, there is one gym, it's expensive, and it doesn't have good classes, and it's not on the route between home and P's school, so for the past 8 months it's been inconvenient. I would love to get feeling better, and have a fitness routine before I move this summer, and possibly I'll be able to swing some gym time when P finishes school and we're not so tied down to a schedule.

For me it's absolutely tied in to depression. While I'm not desperately depressed, my living situation for the last two years has been very much a hang on and get through it kind of a thing, with little to no tangible support. It's a classic paradox - exercise and being more fit would certainly help my low-level chronic depression, and my low-level chronic depression makes it just that much harder to motivate and take action, so I haven't managed to do it.

My body image is so weird. I still think of myself as svelte and toned and, you know, 22 years old. But I also obsess hourly over how my body looks and feels, the flabby belly hanging over my blue jeans, the dumpy and frumpiness. Photos of myself shock and disgust me because I look … I don't know, swollen or something. Fat maybe just covers it.

I am still pretty strong and very flexible for my age and lack of exercise, and I feel good about that. I feel inside myself the kinesthetic memory of movement and there's cognitive dissonance that the way I feel and the way I look are so different. Which may be what leads to the obsessive thoughts and self-flagellation.

Thanks for another great topic, Moxie!

[enu]

@Bridget "If we want to stay married, as I said above, we need to pay a little more attention to our appearance and health."

Bridget, Mr. Enu and I have been together since the Dark Ages (early 1978, anyways) and I have to say that for us this is just not true. And I have plenty of long married friends who are truly obese; clearly their spouses love them for something other than their figures. And some gorgeous divorced/divorcing friends (well, I haven't met Moxie in person, but I've seen pix. Tres sexy! Well, moany/most of them initaited the divorces actually. I've never met anyone whose husband ditched her cause she was a porker! ) I expect if Mr. Enu ever decides to bolt it will be more due to some of my unfortunate personality traits (paranoia?) than the size of my ass ;-)

Of which I am exceedingly thankful, since, yeah, I am currently BALD, have a scar across my neck, a scar under my left arm, a scar across my left tit, a scar on my upper right chest, this weird bumpy plastic thing under my skin on my upper right chest, another very small spot scar on my neck, and yep, even on chemo, my weight has crept up (all my med people say don't worry about that NOW, wait til after - if I can enjoy food, I should.)

That having being said, I think exercising daily if possible does great things for your sense of well-being and self-esteem, makes you feel sexier and hornier, etc. And healthy weight-loss regimes, if they do not make you think about nothing else 24/7 and take over your life, can be a great thing. But I see these as being things you do for yourself. For me, spouse seems to enjoy the side effect that I feel better about myself, than that he thinks I look better.

[Norman]

Did anyone else see the article in Mothering Magazine about a woman who had a "spa night" with her young daughter? It was just for fun, and they'd wash each other's hair and try different lotions and lip glosses. What I took away from it was that it was a chance to teach her daughter that we do these things for *ourselves*, because they feel good, and we love ourselves. I really liked that idea.

My husband suggested a while back that we get rid of our scale, because he thought I was weighing myself (and therefore worrying) too much. It's very hard to make a statement about my body that is not quantitatively based. What does that say?

Even so, I was out with my baby daughter and members of my husband's family recently. Mother and Sister in law kept eating and saying things like, "Well, I just won't eat for the rest of the day if I have this," while 6 year old nephew looked very confused. I wonder what he's taking away from these conversations? I actually asked them not to talk that way in front of my daughter when she's old enough to understand them.

[megan]

re: raising children with healthy self-images and telling your children they are beautiful.

as far as I can remember, my parents have never told me I am pretty or beautiful. on occasion, they have told me I looked nice (which I read as "thin", that being the bias at our house) or that my clothing is pretty.

my mother-in-law tells all of her children they are beautiful - she's big on the unconditional and it comes through.

there's a big difference between stressing what one IS as opposed to what one LOOKS LIKE. by focusing on the occasions when they thought I "looked" good, I understood that must mean that generally I didn't look good and, because it never came up, beauty or prettiness was not part of my physicality. my relative attractiveness must be situational, is what I learned.

so tell your kids they are lovely and gorgeous and wonderful. even if they think you have to say it, for god's sake, you must say it. it's easy - because they are, right? what happens when they think that parents "have" to say these things - what do they do with the fact that you didn't?

as far as one's self image, one learns a poor self image. I learned there was something wrong with me for not being thin enough. my parents took ownership of my health & eating habits from a very young age. this does not work. it breeds resentment, but more importantly it robs the child of the chance to self-regulate and to develop an understanding of hunger and satiety. with my daughter, I try to stay out of the way - do not comment, do not praise, do not cajole.

what a stupid stupid life struggle, is all I can say of my experience. think what we could all be doing with this energy.

[sammy]

During my teen years I always thought I had a healthy self-esteem. In part I did; my parents lavished love on us kids and really did make us feel special and unique (all 6 of us).

However, I came to a rude awakening sometime after I was married, that the bulk of my "feeling good, feeling hot" body image came from male attention--male attention that i no longer got being married, and about 10 lbs. heavier. Don't get me wrong, my husband makes me feel great about my body. But sometimes I crave attention from other men, who are not my husband. Not because I would ever have an affair, but just for me to feel like I am a sexual object in the eyes of people besides my husband.

After I had my daughter I could hardly recognize my body in the mirror. Now a year post partum, its getting better. I still have visible stretch marks and some well used boobs (in other words, saggy). I am at a healthy weight and most of the time I feel ok about my body, but whenever I see another woman who I deem as "hot" it does make me feel inadequate--I suddenly seem too short, too rounded, not enough.

Thank God for my husband who really loves me for who I am, and my somewhat weathered body. I know i lucked out with him.

[sammy]

@Bridget:

I understand your frustration with throwing oneself a pity party re: weight. Yes, we should work out, eat healthy. But come on, can we not have a little more compassion for people? Its not always that simple. Walk a mile in someone elses shoes..

[sammy]

One more thing. I've noticed through my travels (middle east and parts of europe) that women don't seemt to be as concerned about being thin. I know I am making a generalization, and I'm not saying this is always true, but I've definteley noticed that especially in parts of the middle east (Israel, Jordan and Egypt) having an hour glass figure is desired. In fact, people will often comment with disdain if you are too thin.

Hmmm... could it be our complete North American infatuation and saturation with the media that is causing this? OF COURSE!

[Melba]

I'm late today but I can relate to this topic and read all the comments... I can sympathize with anonymous' situation with her husband not finding her sexually attractive. My situation is a bit different in that my husband has never actually said anything to that effect and never turns down sex ever. BUT...

He drops little hints here and there that frankly just piss me off. Like he's constantly nagging me to excercize more. When are you going to the gym? Why didn't you go today? When's the last time you went? He says its because he wants me to be healthy, which sounds like such a nice thing, but something inside me thinks (knows, actually) that its because he wishes I had a better body.

The fact of the matter is that I *would* have a great body image if it wasn't for his incessant hinting. He's the only reason I am only so-so about my body. He's a triathlete, doing a half iron-man this summer amongst several olympic sized triathlons, and he's super athletic. And I know for a fact that his "ideal" female body type is athletic (he's not into curvy).

I am not athletic whatsoever. I'm 5'9" and 145 lbs so I'm by no means overweight, I'm right in the middle of my "healthy zone" based on my body mass index. But I have celulite on my ass and I carry a bit of a belly. My butt merges right into thigh with no nice athletic definition between the two. Munchkin gave me saggy boobs.

Honestly though *I* don't think I look all that bad all things considered but I *know* that my husband wishes I looked different.

Sucks. But we're compatible on so many other levels that our marriage isn't badly affected by this. So I'm lucky in that respect. But I am jealous of those of you who can say that your husbands love your saddlebags. LUcky duckies.

[RosiesMamaInCa]

Wow, nice to know that I am not the only one who has had this life long struggle with body acceptance. I am a first time responder and have a 18 month old daughter. I am still to lose all of the "baby weight" but I struggled with my weight and body image even before she was born.

My biggest fear is that my body image issues and societial pressure to be thin will damage the self esteem of my beautiful little girl. It is funny that the pressure for her to thin seems to have already started. She is big but her height and weight are proportionate 95% for both for her age. Her aunt who is very small and thus had small children sort of mocks how big she has and gives subtle message that she is overweight and we are over-feeding her. I feed her very healthy food-she dives into broccoli and tofu. She is very active and seems to be athletic. The troubling thing is that the concern about her getting fat is making me question my own judgement and insticts about what is health for her. This is sad.

[paola]

I wanted to comment earlier, but didn't have time and now feel I haven't much to add.

My mother never told me I was beautiful, didn't hug or kiss me, or tell me she loved me( that I remember), but thankfully my father did and that made up for everything. And any issue I have with my parents, is with my (Italian)father who was way too strict and was responsible for my flying the coop (leaving the country)at 21. Anyway,I vowed I would never NOT tell my children how much I loved them, how beautiful and intelligent they are or want to hug, cuddle and kiss them.

I certainly had body image issues as a young woman, probably due to my father's severity, which I was fortunately able to slowly shed when I became independent. I am still not 100 percent relaxed exposing my body (wearing a v-neck, tight jeans, bathing suit), but am the most I have ever been, and am proud to say that at 41, am in the best shape I have ever been too. I have been really lucky to have actually lost weight with my two pregnancies (6 kilos- 13 lbs, under pre-baby weight)and am told regularly how much motherhood has 'improved' me (this is a very bad translation from Italian), and I think it's true. It has put so many other things in perspective too.

[attiton]

Only you can create your own body image, whether negative or positive. No one else matters. It is the central blessing and curse of adulthood, in my opinion.

But, I certainly know that it is frickin' HARD WORK fending off all those who feel that it is their right to make comments.

BUT THEY DON'T. They do not have the right. Even husbands. Especially husbands. Or wives for that matter.

Eat today like this will be the way you eat every day for the rest of your life. Exercise today like this will be the way you exercise your entire life. Have sex today like this is the way you will have sex for the rest of your life.

It all starts now, ladies. We are waiting for nothing or no one.

[Shandra]

@Bridget I lost weight and got more fit after I got married. Two kids later and sleep deprivation and I'm still a little smaller than I was on our wedding day.

You know what? It was the unconditional love of my spouse, along with oh - therapy, money to put into working with a personal trainer for a bit, and a gym membership, and reading, etc. - that got me there.

So Bridget, I am having a hard time not typing something rude to you here. Guess what? Spouses DO NOT have to sit in judgment on their partners. They could just love them, and trust them to sort it out in the end. Worked for my husband!

Ahem anyways that rant over, I have huge conflicts over my body. Not just because I literally work in an office where everyone is size 4 and under, but because my body has been abused, raped, starved, fed, starved, my first child died due to the umbilical cord which nurtured her, tied us together, and strangled her, and then for an encore performance my body produced an amazing and perfect little boy-babe and fed him milk! And now sadly it seems to think it needs to stock fat around the belly again plague. But you know, with fuel costs rising, maybe it knows something I don't.

Ultimately I have no advice or insight to give except that no matter what your size or body images, you are ENOUGH. Today. Everyone! And I should get to the gym. :)

[flea]

I don't have big bad body issues, and I think some part of that comes from my luck in having a body type that our society considers attractive (tall and thin) and a lot of it comes from my mother and the healthy environment I was raised in with respect to these issues. I value my body for what it can do, its health and reliability. Do I wish I didn't have so much grey hair, and wrinkles and pimples at the same time (unfair!)? Sure. Could I point out figure flaws - solid ankles, not much of a waistline, flat ass - uh huh. But they have never defined me; I value my brains a hell of a lot more than my 34-inch inseam.

How can we raise daughters to feel healthy about their bodies? First and foremost, DO NOT project your own struggles with body image on to your child. I know a 5 year old who is a solidly built child - not fat, but square and solid, and heavier to pick up than she looks. She has had this build, and the same height/weight percentiles, since she was an exclusively breastfed baby. This is the way she is made; she would have to work very very hard to be waiflike. At four, she said to my husband as he picked her up to put her on a swing, "I'm heavy, because I'm fat." At four, the doctor noted that the BMI numbers suggested weight was something to watch (BMI, for healthy-eating 4 year olds? Grrr) and suggested that her parents be sure that she gets plenty of exercise. So, of course she has been signed up for ballet and gymnastics - hotbeds of body image issues and eating disorders in the sports world. I have tried to gently discuss the importance of modeling body happiness with this child's mother, but I know that she has her own struggles and the grandmother is a harsh critic of daughter and granddaughter. So sad.

[Abacaxi Mamao]

I saw this post and realized that I just could not read the comments. I am 28 and 5'8" and a healthy size for me (for my body type, based on my history, etc.) would probably be a size 14, but here I am, creeping upwards out of a size 16. And it sucks, not just because of the body hatred, but because it's impossible, I have found, to find nice clothing in a size 18. Even size 16 is pushing it. I have more or less been loathing my body since I was about 7, I think, and my dad asked me if I had a pillow under my dress! (I had a poochy little girl tummy then, I guess.) As soon as I had an allowance I used it to buy junk food, and I've never been very athletic or active. When I was active/athletic/on the treadmill 5x/week, it was only to punish my body. I did get to a point where I was exercising healthfully for 6-8 months or so, a few years back, but those days are gone. And when I don't eat junk food, all it does is make me feel angry and deprived.

Oy.

So I am just not going to think about it. One day, I hope to be able to deal with this.

[Abacaxi Mamao]

Also, I always think it's kind of funny (if that's the right word) when people worry about getting stretch marks when they get pregnant. I have stretch marks all over my body--belly, hips, breasts, upper arms. All the places where I gain weight quickly when I gain weight. If I had stretch marks due to carrying and birthing a baby, I think I would feel a LOT better about them! (I am single, unmarried, 28, for context.)

And I would need to lose about 40 pounds at this point to be at a truly healthy weight, which makes me not even want to think about this at all. On top of all the other stuff I mentioned in my previous comment.

Confession over. Carry on.

[Girl Jen]

"I feel like my body is a station wagon in which I drive my brain around, like a suburban mother taking the kids to hockey practice." --Douglas Coupland, microserfs.

If I could sum up my body image in one statement, it would be the one above.

My body works. It's average-sized and average-shaped. It gets me to work and back (with some help from a bicycle). It picks up the Lizard and swings her around, even though she's getting to be a big heavy girl.

My body spends most of its time under long skirts and big hoodies. In the summer, it's baggy t-shirts and jeans or long skirts all the way. I don't have anything to hide, but I don't feel that I have much to show, either. I'm still trying to work my way out of this post-baby funk (PPD/social anxiety) and convince myself that it's okay to get some attention now and then!

As for Liz, I am going to focus on all the neat things that the human body can DO--ride bicycles, run, play soccer, climb trees, and so on. I will show her how to take care of herself and look presentable (brush hair, find clothes that match, etc.). I will tell her, truthfully, that she is a natural beauty. If she has concerns about her appearance, though, I will not downplay them.

[kates]

Such a vitally necessary topic, Moxie. Everyone keeps saying this is a timely topic, came up at a good time, etc; I think it seems timely for everyone because we are ALL thinking about it too much. 80 percent of American women (and 45 percent of American men) say they're dissatisfied with their bodies. Jeez, people, that's a bona fide epidemic. That's well over half the people you know.

Here is my mantra, when the media saturation of airbrushed models, or even the way my friend looks so effortlessly good in her skinny jeans, starts to get to me:

"I was created for a higher purpose than a size 6." (Laurel Rae Mathewson)

And for those for whom weight isn't the issue, but instead imperfect skin, or bumpy knees, or cellulite, or teeth that are not quite the blinding white of an exploding star, for all of us: we are all created for a higher purpose than this. Worrying about little things, things that, in the end, don't really matter.

It's good to take care of yourself, to feed your body good things, to move your body because it makes you feel good, to dress in a way that flatters your shape. I love all that stuff. All those things are good because having a body Is Good. Being here, in this physical world where we can breathe and sing and cry and laugh and eat and kiss, It Is Good. I believe that, and I don't believe that the *goodness* of my body has anything to do with how it looks in comparison to other peoples' bodies.

I think women have a real, pressing need to hear this perspective from other women, from their friends. We have to tell each other, often, that we love each other the way we are, that our bodies are OKAY, that it's great if you want to change something to help yourself feel better but please please don't pin your self-worth on that new size, on that new shape, because quite frankly you are going to go back to dust soon anyway, no matter what you do, and I'd rather enjoy your company NOW because HEY: I like you, and what you look like doesn't matter to me! This is the detox message to the poisonous media gas that we inhale every day.

I'm trying to keep this message in the forefront of my mind lately. Trying to say stuff like this, instead of "oh how cute you look, did you lose weight" or whatever tends to roll off my tongue without thinking.

[Nina M]

Thanks, Suki. :) It's something I've been working on for a long time and continue to do so. I definitely recognize how much the media and culture feed into these types of negative feelings (posted about it on today's topic before I read your response!), but it is SO HARD to fight years of playing a tape to myself that I'm a piece of crap. But of course, if I don't do it, no one else will.

[hush]

Cheating is a form of spousal abuse.

Society hesitates to call that particular spade a spade. As is the case with other offenses against women, we'd rather come up with excuses, justifications, rationalizations, and ultimately place the blame elsewhere: on the victim.

@Bridget, you've been the target of some ire for your comments here. I see where you're coming from with your "just lose it" & take responsibility for yourself rhetoric. It's a tough love message, rather like Nancy Reagan's whole "Just Say No" to drugs campaign in the '80s. However, I believe you missed the mark when you referenced cheating, my friend.

Your (implicit) suggestion that being an overweight wife justifies a husband's abuse of her by cheating is awfully problematic.

Since we're all about "taking responsibility," shouldn't the husband be held accountable for his behavior? Or does the wife's selfish failure to hit the gym mean he's off the hook? Oh, come on.

Your comment - and all of experiences shared here about lifelong body image pain -is dramatically reflective of the different societal standards we have for women; who are still 2nd class citizens, even in 2008.