Q&A: Grieving and loss with a second child

Marina writes:

"Last week there was a post on second child Shangri-la which I read in earnest, hoping to find some help with my own issues around having a second child. I am having much, much sadness over a loss that I could not anticipate with a second child. With my first child, I was "ready" for losing a bit of my identity and having to give up certain things, which I embraced, and I actually enjoyed that transition and moving into a new role for myself. I found such enormous satisfaction in giving 100% to another person and I was able to manage that intense love for a child with a wonderful relationship with my husband, a terrific job, etc.

Now, with the second baby, I'm having another identity shift that is hitting me harder than I expected: the loss of intimacy with my first child. I miss him, our little family of three, our quiet (and loud!) times together, the attention I was able to lavish on him, and so on. He seems unphased by the change, so I think it is just me and my own feelings of loss. I cannot believe how much I am grieving over the closeness that I shared with my first child, a closeness that we barely are able to glimpse these days with a new baby in the house.

I need help processing and coping with this -- all my friends tell me that it was so much easier for them to move from the one child to two children than it was from no children to one child in terms of identity, transition, life, etc. I thought I was a "pro" at being a mom and now this has just knocked the wind right out of my sails.

If you have any advice regarding this, I need it. My family is across the country, I live in a rural area, and I don't have many mom friends. The Moxie community could really help me process this; perhaps many parents out there have experienced this to varying degrees and have some data points about "letting go" or "renegotiating" the relationship with the first child .....It's causing more "blues" than I really need right now."

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Having my first was tough and really broke me down, but at the same time it taught me how to love another human being. It taught me that I actually could love another human being. And my son and I clicked so well that it just felt natural to be his mother.

And then the second one came, and I loved him instantly (probably sooner than I loved my first one), but our personalities just didn't click as perfectly, and I missed my older one. Those first months were difficult, with a baby I didn't feel I was doing a stellar job with (because there had just been this magical thing with my older son, so comparatively speaking I wasn't as good a mom to the second, I felt) and wanting to be closer to my older son, but not having the ability to with the second one.

It was a rough time, and I also felt like there was something wrong with me because other moms said going to two was so much easier, and I didn't feel like it was easy.

What helped things for me was:

1) The passage of time. As the baby got older I got things together more, got my routines down, and felt like I could have a better balance of time between the two kids.

2) Realizing that my older one needed me less anyway. He was a big boy, and wasn't so dependent on mama. It wasn't bothering him not to be spending as much one-on-one time with me, and maybe that was OK.

3) Working things out with the baby so I could feel that closeness with him, too. I felt like there was a disconnect between us, something that just made us miss each other. What fixed it for us was an offhand remark I made to my therapist (isn't that always the way?) that let him see that what my son was missing from me was something I'd never gotten as a baby (and, guess what--my mother had never gotten as a baby, either!). As soon as I started giving it to him we started to click. And some stuff shook loose in my relationship with my mom at the same time. It was a win-win-win.

I think negotiating the divided mind and affections of having two kids is the biggest problem of having a second child, honestly. (Others might disagree, but I'm sure there are plenty of people who agree with me.) And it takes awhile to find your peace within it, with being a mother of two, with not being the end-all-be-all to your older child, and to having to let this new person into your psyche. Be kind to yourself while you're going through it.

Readers, help for Marina? How did you cope until it started to be OK to have two?

Comments

[JB]

I have been experiencing this to some degree since my son was born. With the chaos and absorption that come with a new baby (our breastfeeding learning curve was rather sharp, for instance, and he's not a good sleeper), my husband took over most of the care of our daughter, who is 3. I got a great chance to bond with the baby, but I feel distanced from my daughter, and I feel sad and guilty about it. I think, by the way, that my husband is having some of the same issues but in reverse: he never got a chance to bond with our son the way he did with our daughter, because ever since we adopted her, he participated 50/50 in her feeding and care.

I'm getting through it by making conscious decisions to play with my little girl and talk to her. I give the baby to my husband whenever I can, and I keep chanting my parenting mantra: this too shall pass. Things will get back into balance. It's not a lack of love, it's a lack of time.

Be kind to yourself, Marina. You are the perfect mother for both your children!

[Ellie]

I definitely know the feeling. For me it started when I was put on bed rest with my second pregnancy. I lost the ability to really mother my son, and started to feel distanced from him, where before I had been so extremely close and attached. Part of that was also his own growing up (he was 17 months when I went on bed rest), and I knew that, but it was tough. My twins were born prematurely and now I spend so much time in the NICU that I feel like I'm still not there for my son (who is now 20 months) as much as I should be. I know it will just continue when we bring the babies home. Even before all of this, when we first found out I was pregnant, I was feeling a sense of loss. As much as I wanted to expand our family, I really enjoyed being able to focus exclusively on my older son. I still feel guilty for taking that away from him.

I don't have any great advice. I'm still starting on this journey of having more than one child. But these feelings seem completely natural to me. At least so far I think it's much harder to go from one child to more than one child than it is to go from none to one, both on the relationship with your child(ren) and your relationship with your spouse.

[Chaya]

I only have a second now, two kids climbing on my lap, but...this struck quite a nerve. I just had number 3, and I tell people all the time that number 1 was an identity adjustment, of being a mom, number 2 is adjusting to splitting yourself emotionally, which was very very hard, and oh...the guilt. Number 3 is just a logistical nightmare, less of an emotional one. Will try to come back later to say it's all ok, right now have to give the people in question some breakfast. (I know, it's late, we're kind of seder jet-lagged)

[Jennifer]

I just don't get this. I don't understand the feeling at all.

I have two boys, 19 months apart, and a third on the way in December. It boggles my mind that people mourn the arrival of a second kid for the sake of the first. What about the baby? What about being sad that the baby will never, never, ever have the attention that #1 was blessed with? That the baby will grow up with a pre-installed bully in the family who naturally does not want to share anything with them and needs constant reminders to be gentle and not push? I guess I prepped myself and my first son extraordinarily well because the birth and following adjustment was really a non-issue. We always knew we wanted three, so we treated our one-on-one time with the oldest as a blessing rather than something to be mourned at losing.

My only advice is to perhaps get help (babysitter, girlfriends, grandparents, your spouse on a weekend... ) and give them the baby to watch. They'll naturally want to take the older so you can spend one-on-one time with the baby, but switch it around and do something fun with the older so you get that time back with your older son, if even for an hour or two here or there. I did the opposite, of course, since I really mourned for the baby the loss of the opportunity for that special time, but I can see how it could be easily flip-flopped to be the other way around.

[Amanda]

Thank goodness, it's not just me. I mourn my one on one time with my daughter every day and i feel guilty because I am not relishing in every little newborn moment with my second daughter... so I feel like I am doing a disservice to both.

I don't have any solutions, but thanks, Marina for asking.

[Bobbi]

I had a harder time with this with my older 2 when the third was born. I had really come to like the people they were becoming and I felt (still feel) that they "missed out" on a lot of things we used to do together simply because it was too tough for me to manage on my own with babies in tow also. Time helps.

One other thing that has helped me is to keep the older ones as involved as possible with the baby's care. This way, it seems like we're doing it "as a family" and the older ones feel like they matter to the baby and to me....

[Danielle]

I was also very surprised by this shift in my relationship with my first-born. Immediately after my second child's birth was the most wrenching separation, complete with nasty fights, sulking (by both of us), and generally not syncing in our relationship as we had before. It's taken a lot of attention to our interactions on my part to recapture that former closeness, as well as finding small times (bedtime, gardening, grocery shopping) when I can re-connect. Also, blogging about my occasional ambivalence and insecurity as a parent has really helped. It gives me time in the day to stop and be more intentional about how I parent, although I won't claim any great insights. Small steps, but they can mean a lot to a child (or a parent).

[hydrogeek]

I'm pregnant with my second. My daughter is 16 months old. I've already started thinking about this issue, as well as what Jennifer said, about the 2nd baby never getting that special time. I will be stalking the comments today...

[enu]

Uh, a "pre-installed bully?" I hope it's not really that extreme! For the most part my girls have each really enjoyed having a sibling.

I did not feel any loss at the second child, because the first child was so demanding. Things were still pretty much all about her, with baby getting held and fed as second nature - which is easy to do with a second baby. And second baby was happy and content as long as she was being held - which has always been easy to do, she was an extremely cuddly baby ;-)

First child does get all of you until second child comes, but if you only have 2, second child gets all of you when first child goes off to college ;-) I am saddened because I was really looking forward to 2 years of enjoying the delightful baby (17 this week -still cuddly), but have been too ill to take part in some of the things I was looking forward to sharing with her.

Other things is, good to schedule time alone with each child all along. Could be while older child is at a playdate or Dad is watching the baby, whatever - and just do stuff one-on-one.

[Mar]

I commented on the shangri la post saying that having two was going surprisingly smoothly, but noted that the first few weeks were tough for exactly this reason. I started mourning my relationship with #1 from the time I learned I was pregnant and even as I was getting excited to meet #2, still felt sad at that loss. My hospital time was so strange -- I missed #1 so much that I couldn't wait to get home to him, which meant that I wasn't really bonding with the newborn the way I wanted to.

Like Moxie said, time will play a big role in sorting it out. I'd say it took about a month before I felt like I had nice relationships with each baby (they are only 17 months apart, so I didn't have a "big boy" at home). I still wish I could just run out to the playground with #1 and that I could guarantee #2 and uninterrupted feeding each and every time, but I've accepted that there's give and take even with my small kids.

[rudyinparis]

Hi Marina,

Since you say your first born seems to be adjusting fine, my immediate thoughts were for you... It sounds like you may be experiencing some PPD? Maybe you should talk to your doctor. The reason I sound hesitant is because I don't have experience with PPD, so I feel out of my depth, but since your eldest son seems to be fine, I think we should focus on you.

Also, keep in mind--I know you know this, I'm just reinforcing--that everyone can feel and respond a different way and that no one way is right or wrong. For whatever reason, you're feeling sadness. You're feeling it, so it's a real feeling, so it's valid. Anyone who tries to tell you what you're feeling is wrong or weird or whatever is simply on a different path. Pay attention to your inner compass. Good luck.

[Bobbi]

"Other things is, good to schedule time alone with each child all along. Could be while older child is at a playdate or Dad is watching the baby, whatever - and just do stuff one-on-one. "

yes yes yes!! Getting Dad on board as much as possible eases a lot of the guilt and lets you schedule alone time with your older kids...

[cheryl]

Funny, I had a little cry about this last night. Number 2 is due in a few weeks and when I went to visit number 1 before I went to sleep (she was already asleep) I had a moment where I got sad that we were going to lose something. I'll probably be sad for a while, and like Marina says it may be a difficult adjustment, but it is what it is. The Monster is outgoing and vivacious and will survive. We'll take all precious moments that we can (when she does decide to stop moving for a moment). And like Jennifer says, we have to make the moments for the baby too - aside from nursing constantly.

Ultimately, what keeps me going (in theory as Number 2 isn't here yet) is that we wanted a family of at least 4, with siblings. This is our choice and we will make it work for us, as individuals and as a group - even if it exhausts me along the way.

PS Ellie, bed rest would have been horrible with a toddler. I've did it with Number 1 and that was hard enough. And I've had days where I had to rest this time around and it is awfully hard to both parent and interact from a reclined position! I hope your twins are improving.

[pnuts mama]

i've totally been thinking about this as we wait for #2 to arrive.

first of all, for a variety of reasons, it took me a very long time to emotionally connect with this pregnancy- then to find out he is a son when all we know is a daughter (dumb, i know, but i was like, how will i mother a son?) kind of added to it.

second, i had a tough time with pnut as an infant- and i am nervous that that will happen again with babybean. and of course i project that it will affect our bond, maybe i'll push him aside to be with her instead, since we are so close now that she's older and we get along so well.

third- i worry that she's so excited to have a baby brother but won't be so happy when the reality of it all sets in. HOWEVER- a long time ago i remember moxie writing about attachment of infants and how physical ability to crawl/walk away from you goes hand in hand with emotional ability to be away from you (and what a lightbulb moment that was for me with my gross motor skill delayed baby) and i was thinking how at this age, maybe pnut is better suited to not want/need me all up in her grill all the time over stuff. i really do try and let her guide the way we do stuff together and leave her be when she needs it, too.

finally, i'm afraid i'll be comparing every last thing between the two of them, as well as being able to make emotional room to this new person we don't really know yet. amyinmotown had a quote in a recent post about how her new baby filled a "will-shaped void" that they hadn't even realized their family had- and i've been holding on to that as we get closer.

***
i think jennifer has a fair point about second+ borns- my husband and i are both the youngest in our family and i can say there are probably as many benefits/losses on both sides- maybe the youngers don't ever know the difference of the one-on-one only time, but they also are lucky enough to not be the guinea pig first-born, either.

[Jac]

I think second borns are also lucky because they have the attention of an older sibling, and a built in play-mate, which the firstborns never had.

[moo]

I'm struggling with this, and I'm not even pregnant with #2 yet. So much so that I'm contemplating being one and done.

[Melanie]

I had and have the same feelings about my second and first - my first did everything early. So quite independent (but still a mama's boy!) The second one developed acid reflux (colic - the most hated word in newborn language) so on top of PDD that I was experiencing I felt ... well, resentful of baby 2. He cried all the time for 2 months - I felt like I was going out of my mind. Along comes Prevacid and he slept all night long - was wonderful. Now he has chronic ear infections and a speech delay - so a LOT of attention is devoted to him again. I know my oldest feels left out - again. Now I am pregnant with #3 (a slip involving a trip to Cancun) - and I admit I cried for 3 months because I don't know how I am going to handle a third. How much time will any of them get from me (I work full time also - that doesn't help). I think I need help also!!!
I am so glad I found this blog - at least I know I am not alone in feeling this way.

[gansgirl]

@ Jennifer-- You brought up a couple of the issues that I feel sad about with my second son, like how he'll never have the undivided attention my first son had and that he'll always have a big brother to do to him the things big brothers do to little brothers... I also feel sad that I'm not the one to take care of his bedtime routine every night, like I did with his brother, and I'm not the one who changes most of his clothes or his diapers. (Wait...I don't really miss that last one so much!)

However, I don't think that either I or Marina are mourning "the arrival of a second kid for the sake of the first." That sounds as if we regret bringing those second children into the world! We're just feeling sad about the natural course of relationships. They change.

Marina, I can relate to what you're feeling. For our family, the most significant, helpful, necessary change has been my husband's participation level. He never achieved a great attachment with our first son (because he was an extremely nervous first-time dad and I wanted to do everything anyway!), but he learned enough the first time around to be confident about taking on much of the baby's routine, as I mentioned above. That leaves more time for me to maintain that relationship with the older son. Also, now that he is three, he's more willing to accept his dad's help, which lets me get time with the baby.

I'll also second the above ideas that the older child does not have to be a bully, and by including the older child in the care, cuddling, feeding, playing, etc. of "OUR BABY" you can build, strengthen and maintain all of the various family relationships.

[caramama]

Since we have only the one at this time, I can't really input any data points. But Mom-101 just talked about this sort of thing on her blog (http://mom-101.blogspot.com/), and it was really well written and the comments show even more data points.

[Joy]

I have three: ages 7, 5, and 17 months. I have different relationships with each of them. I grew up the oldest of 5. Stemming from Moxie's comment and from conversations I've had with my own siblings, I wonder how much of our reactions to having our own new additions stem from how we felt as children when our own siblings were born.

My siblings and I all live relatively far apart, but we are very close and all get along very, very well, and so far I am the only one with children. When I announced to my family that I was pregnant with my third child, my brother (who's third in line, himself) asked me if I was concerned that having more children would spread me too thin and I wouldn't be able to pay each child the individual attention they needed. I told him to think about the relationships that we have with our siblings, though, and while it's true there's definitely less of me to go around, my children will hopefully develop relationships with each other as they grow like the ones that my brother and I have with our siblings. That made a lot of sense to him.

While I worry sometimes, especially when my kids struggle at school or other things, that I'm not devoting enough time or attention to them, I delight in seeing them interact with each other, and know they will be there for each other in many situations when I can't or won't be.

I also struggle with the fact that, though my own mother was wonderful with us when we were little, she has turned into something of a nightmare for us all in adulthood, and I desperately hope that is something I do not carry on with my own kids.

The birth of each of our children has added a new, totally unexpected dimension to our family, and most of the time I think everyone's glad for it. But my husband and I both grew up with large families and it was generally a positive experience for both of us. I think that has a lot to do with our ease of adjustment to each new addition.

[hush]

Oh, Marina - hugs to you! Don't have any answers really, just empathy.

I'm still at one kiddo (6 mo old DS) and am a little embarrassed to admit I'm still privately mourning the loss of the close relationship I used to have with our dog! The poor girl has lost her treasured place in the family bed, and hasn't gone on very many walks since DS came along. Now that the weather is getting better, I hope to remedy the walking part, at least.

[JB]

@pnutsmama -- I had a lot of the same feelings you did, having a hard time connecting to the pregnancy (after 10+ years of infertility, I just never quite could believe it) and being stunned that I would have a son when all I knew was a daughter. My husband had an even harder time with both those things than I did. But when he was born, the connection amazed me.

I love this group. There's always someone to reassure me that I'm not alone. :)

[holly]

Oh yes, I totally understand what you mean. I am experiencing this with our 7 week old girl and a 2 1/2 year old boy. I knew my son would mourn the loss of his mom, but I didn't realize I would mourn too. The first week we were home I cried every evening about "missing" my boy. Also, my husband prefers to care for my son over the baby. Who wouldn't, eh? They have a very close relationship and I know that has been very comforting for the little boy with all this change. BUT, I have to really encourage my husband to take care of the baby (at certain times when I know he will be successful - like just after nursing) to allow me extra 1:1 time with my son, and give husband time to bond with the little girl. This is a work in progress and it is work!!! We are finding our way with time. Getting out and into our old routines (play dates, music class, etc.) as soon as possible has also helped. This was much earlier than I ventured out with my son as an infant, but we just had to get going with little girl in tow. I was also concerned about PPD, so I found a local counselor who is experience evaluating and treating it by going online to
http://www.postpartum.net/support-map.html
and emailing a local rep. to help find someone in my area. The contact was fantastic and found a great therapist close to my home. Wish I could offer more, but I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone!

[Dee]

When I was pregnant with #2, I remember, on several occasions, just sitting down and crying over the guilt that we were about to take away the "me time" from baby #1 (who was 19 months old when her little sister was born). I was so worried about how it would affect her...then baby #2 came along and had to go to the NICU for 11 days. So I quickly had to get the hang of balancing care/love for #1 with care/love for #2.

I was so focused on being at the hospital during the day, coming home at night to tuck the big girl in, waiting to go back to the hospital until she was asleep, and then being there when she woke up the next morning, lather rinse repeat, that it all made me realize that she was going to be just fine and so was I. It was tough for a while (for me) but soon you'll be so consumed with just getting into some sort of a routine (after those first few chaotic newborn months, that is), that before you know it, it's as if that second child has always been there.

Are there still going to be days where baby #2 is screaming for you to pick him/her up while toddler #1 is doing the same? Yep...and you'll balance it out one way or another.

Now, as both of mine get older (15 months and 34 months), there is more "built-in playmate" time, albeit with a few pushes and shoves here on the toddler's part (no built-in bully, just the harmless greed of "Mine!"), and it's a delight to see them laugh together, at one another, and the hugs and kisses they give one another?

D-i-v-i-n-e.

Regrets? None.

[Victoria]

@ Hush - me too ;-). You can't explain to the dog what's going to happen - I remember feeling sad as my due date approached. My dog chose to stay at my Mom's for 3 months after DD was born - she wouldn't get in the car to come home (like she always had before.)

[Sherry]

As someone who will probably just have one child (I'm about to be 40 and not ready to have another anytime soon), I wanted to add that I worry that my one-year-old will get too much attention and turn out spoiled or selfish. I don't know what to do about that. I'm not going to give her LESS attention just in case she's getting spoiled. So maybe it will help your state of mind to think that you are doing a good thing for your older child by having a younger one and focusing on that younger one. Your older child may be a better person for it. I kind of hope this isn't true, since my girl won't have a younger sibling, but I'm afraid it may be.

[Sam]

Interesting topic. I feel very strongly that I want as much one-on-one time with my son, and that's one reason that I've (along with my husband) decided to wait several years to have another baby. I really want to soak in this time of his baby and toddlerhood - my goal is to have another one when he's four or even that first year of school. This is really more about my own greediness with him, and how I truly want to enjoy our time together. Other factors include my age (I'll turn thirty this year) and our own financial stability. There are also nearly five years between my own brother and I, and while we didn't get along so well as children we do now, as adults. Also, I don't think I would be very good at dealing with a baby AND a two year old - just my own personality.

[Julie]

Oh boy, this is interesting to me, since we are trying for #2. A dimension that never even occurred to me, so focused I have been on how Alex will adjust, how my marriage will adjust....no thoughts to how *I* will adjust emotionally to being split in two (lots of thoughts about logistics though).

This sounds so much like what I am still feeling about transitioning from no kids to one. Just the other day I drove by my old house - the one I bought BY MYSELF, the one I lived in BY MYSELF....and just felt so, so sad for that loss. It's something I cannot put into words, this loss of self - even though I now currently struggle to fill non-Alex time in a way that relaxes me because I"m just trying to getitalldone so I can go to bed. My husband does not understand how I can love SO much being a mom to Alex, being with Alex, and yet so powerfully NOT want those things at the same time. I honestly don't think anyone but another mom can understand what it is I'm trying to say.....and maybe some moms won't get it either. I was (am) someone who HIGHLY valued my space, my alone-time, my time to think, write, read, exercise.....just BE. That time is now nearly nonexistant between working full-time and parenting a demanding 2 1/2 year old who much prefers mommy to daddy. My days start at 6:30 AM and don't end until 7:30 PM....seven days a week. Gone is any time for myself to loaf, think, breathe, write......I'm multi-tasking every single minute of the day. I exercise while I'm at work (running on my lunch break, doing t-tapp between appointments), I read for pleasure at work when I can squeeze it in because that is important to me, I write at work....because all my moments at home are spoken for. And so it's no wonder that I crash into bed at 7:30, the minute Alex goes to sleep I climb into bed to just BE. And thank God for work or I really wouldn't have any time to myself. I don't have any meetings or appointments on Fridays, but dammit if I don't show up at work EVERY Friday with that sense of "ahhhhhhh. Silence."

And yet, we're thinking of adding to our family. Planning to, actively trying to. I'm not sure how it's going to go. I am glad Marina clued me into this possibility, because I'm sure I'll mourn my time alone with Alex just as I've mourned (and still mourn) the loss of my time alone with myself. I love my husband, he's a great dad in many ways, but does not know how to handle temper tantrums very well or a screaming baby. So we are already having lots of talks about how to handle things when they change. One thing I am certain of (the only thing, really) is that I want Alex to have a sibling - I want him to know what it's like to have a partner in crime, someone to sneak into bed with at night, someone to laugh hysterically with at the dinner table about nothing to piss off their parents, someone to argue with, take things from, having things taken from him.....all of it - messy, loving, and hard - I want him to feel and experience it all. Someone else in the world who will totally get him, his family dymanics and say, "Ya, Mom and Dad are f-ed up."

On a more uncertain note, I am also hopeful it will allow Alex and his dad to develop a relationship that they are both missing because I am always there, always available. I want my husband to develop his own legs as a parent when the shit hits the fan instead of having the default option of Mom. I know he can do it. But I'm afraid it's going to be like teaching a monkey to swim......I'm going to have to throw him in the lake and then let him figure out the rest.

This is an awfully long way to say, "Ya, I get it, and thanks for giving me the heads-up".

[OneAndDone]

As others have mentioned, I'm sure that our own birth order/sibling experience will color how we feel about this. I am an only child and feel quite strongly that we will be "one and done", mostly because I have no idea how to imagine any other family structure. How would I share/divide myself as a parent to 2 kids - I have no model for how my parents did it because they didn't have to! Anyway, as usual, Moxie has great advice: maybe talk to a therapist to see if there are any issues w/r/t your own childhood and sibling relationships. Were you the older child who mourned the loss of your mom when a new baby arrived?

[Simone]

Oh, Marina, you sound just like I did exactly a year ago, when my second son was born. I, too had an intense bond with my firstborn, and LOVED the balance I managed to achieve. I felt I had it all and was actually doing a decent job. Then when #2 came along (after much debate about whether we even wanted a second), and I was torn between the joy I felt for my second born, the grief I felt for the loss of intimacy I had with #2, and the guilt I had for all of it. I agree with Moxie--time helps. But on the proactive front, I also found that when I carved out one-on-one time, it helped tremendously. The thought of it was antithetical...I felt disconnected from my children, didn't know how to parent them together, and felt like I wasn't spending enough time with either one. So the idea of then spending time purposely apart from one or the other was weird for me because I wasn't thinking about the time I would be spending *with* them. I started an ECFE parent-child class with #2. I did special outings with #1. I felt that connection return, and felt one form with my second son. But it did take a while. I would say in only the last few months did I get there and my second son just turned one. I just *now* can watch Schoolhouse Rock's "Three is a Magic Number" with a sweet fondness rather than sadness for our former family of three. Good luck.

[Christine]

I'm an only child myself, and currently pregnant with no. 2. My son will be just over 2 and a half when the new baby is born.

When I find myself worrying about the coming change to the lovely close relationship I have with my son, I remind myself of how smothered I often felt as an only child, with two parents hovering over my every move. While every family is the right size, no matter how big or small, I feel that the gift of a sibling I'm giving my son will outweigh the loss of our one-to-one relationship, and that for us, the balance of two kids to two parents will be healthier in the long run.

I know it'll be hard to start with, but I hope I can hold onto these thoughts when the time comes.

[hedra]

No time to read. Sorry.

1) The one-on-one thing re-emerges a bit when they (the youngers) get older. I'm starting to have a bit of that 'back' now, as the youngest(s) are now over 3. They take off to go play, and G sits down next to me and leans up against me and we can just 'be' for a bit.

2) Dates with the eldest (actually with each) to allow for that one-on-one thing again. Experts recommend once a week solo dates, I've never been able to manage that. But ANY is good.

3) Recognizing that the distance can occur without the sibling - the timing is just different. They WILL go off and be their own person sooner or later, and grieving that sudden and not-chosen stretching of the emotional umbilical cord is painful WHENEVER it happens. For us, anyway. It feels right and good to them, apparently. (At least for many.)

4) Check your own history. If your pain seems at all out of true to the situation, likely you're handling two situations at once - the current one, and something in the past. Worth looking into. I found I was mourning my own relationship change to my mom from back when my baby brother was born. AND some of the pre-and-post divorce-of-my-parents emotional burden. I'd 'repaired the rift' through the relationship with my eldest, and then here it was torn open again! I learned instead to allow the stretch in the process, and recognize that as a child I saw the relationship as torn APART when it was merely stretched to a thinner thread and greater distance. As an adult I can see that the thread is and always was there, it just wasn't something I could recognize. (Which isn't to say that I don't sometimes feel like the relationship I had with G isn't just busted a bit - we get along well, but I still feel the sharp edges of what used to be my perception of the relationship join... only, I suspect that's still old history showing up again, too. It's not so big an issue for me that I feel a need to go back into therapy at the moment, but I could see how it could have been if I hadn't already done a huge amount of therapy BEFORE child two came along!).

5) Go ahead and mourn. Changes and transitions are always painful, at least for me. I have to mourn what I miss or I get stuck in it. REALLY let it out, cry and even rage over the loss. And then I can start working on making what we have into something so good that I'd miss that bitterly, too. Certainly, the first time I saw G and B 'showing' their own relationship - G reading to B, B's face rapt with awe and wonder at his big brother, G full of pride in his ability (reading) but also clearly full of affection and tenderness for B... well, damn, I can't write it without tearing up. When that happened, I knew that the sacrifice of my intense bond with G was worth it, having exchanged it for a relationship that would last (hopefully) even longer. It's a complex relationship, full of love and irritation, frustration and patience, tenderness and selfishness... but they're kids, and that's allowed. It's worth even the CHANCE that they'll grow up into friends as well as brothers.

Still hurt when it started, though. I can remember sitting holding Bren, and watching G across the room, and just aching wanting to be able to just be who we were together even a few weeks before. (Fortunately for me, I grew past the feeling pretty quickly. I certainly wouldn't have enjoyed feeling that way for very long.)

[Melba]

@hush & Victoria... I wasn't going to comment on this topic (as I only have one Munchkin with no plans for #2 just yet) until I saw your comments about your dogs. It is kind of embarassing to admit but I too was (and still am) sad for our dog who used to be the "baby" of the house and is now just the dog. Non-dog owners really don't understand this, I know. But I still feel guilt over her demotion in the family (Munchkin is 10 months). But at least the dog still believes herself to be higher in rank than the cat. The cat barely blinked an eye at the arrival of Munchkin. I'm sure he saw her as just another servant of his household.

When I get the chance to leave Munchkin with her dad so I can take the dog to the park to play fetch, she is so overjoyed that it makes me feel both happy and sad all at the same time.

[Shelly]

I can't tell you how thankful I am to read this! My mom and my husband are the only people I tried to share these feelings with... and as wonderful and loving and supportive as both are, I could tell neither really "got it". I never had the nerve to talk to a peer about it. When I was pregnant with #2, I was terrified of not ever being able to love or bond with the second like I did the first. My son and I had such an intimate bond, especially because hubby was deployed for about half of his toddlerhood and we lived overseas, away from family - it was just me and my baby, together in the world. I know everyone says they wonder how they will love the second as much, but I seriously was just terrified that I couldn't possibly love, or care for, or bond with the same intimacy. Even on the way to the hospital for the scheduled C-section, I cried in fear of this. (And we knew we really wanted to have that second baby, too, for what that's worth.)
And then, when my baby girl was born, I was STUNNED and blown away by how instantly and completely I was in love with her - which intellectually I guess I should have expected. What I really didn't expect was the distant feelings toward my son! I had read how the toddler would seem so large, and loud, and dirty when you first brought home that newborn, so I kinda vaguely expected some protective feelings toward the newborn, but I never knew how strong those protective feelings would be. To the point that I felt that I was involuntarily drawing away from my son in order to protect and focus on my baby girl. I didn't mean to draw away, but I felt that distance between us and it really hurt me.
Hubby had always been a very involved Daddy (when home) and he really took over much of the care of the toddler for a while. And it really developed their relationship in a wonderful way - to this day Daddy does his bedtime much more frequently than I do; it's "their time". But in the midst of the overwhelming joy and love for my baby, and for our growing family, I did feel pain at the loss of something precious with my son.
I've always thought this must be something unusual and it is a blessing to hear it from others, even now, when the youngest is about to turn three years old!
All I can offer is that the feelings seemed logical to me (though unexpected) and with time, and the development of a new routine, new family dynamics, etc. the feelings faded into the background. I don't know if they go away completely, but like other posters have said, there is positive and negative on both sides. I think it's okay to acknowledge and feel both the positive and the negative, as long as it doesn't keep you from loving and caring for your kids, yourself, and hubby too.

[ali]

I know I am just too concrete, but I can't figure out for the life of me what you (moxie) possibly could eb referring to when you said that you figured out that there was something you were giving your baby that you hadn't gotten. I am sorry this sounds so nosey but can you expand on this? I am trying to be more thoughtful about my own life and parenting (in part from seeing the really careful observations by moxie and the commenters) so undertanding this type of thought process really helps me to frame things, but this just has me stumped.

[amama]

i think my ambivalence about my second pregnancy had a lot to do with fear of losing my time with my first. i never knew how to respond when people said congratulations on being pregnant.
when #2 was born i did not have that instant huge heart stopping love feeling i had with #1 and spent 3 days in hospital looking at him and wondering when he would be cute and when i'd start loving him...very strange experience.
it took a while but now oh man do i love him.
i think #1 helped a lot in that she had instant love for him and cared so much - she taught me.
my partner helped a ton by letting me take a bath with #1 or spend good one on one time which always seemed to calm her down if she was jealous/tantrumy and make me feel like i still had a bond with my girl.
now i have the both and i love them both so much and at 7 months and just over 2 yeard old life is getting easier and sweeter by the day.
just remember things are always different than you expect...once baby #2 comes for you this feeling might not even be an issue.
take care and good luck!!

[amama]

i think my ambivalence about my second pregnancy had a lot to do with fear of losing my time with my first. i never knew how to respond when people said congratulations on being pregnant.
when #2 was born i did not have that instant huge heart stopping love feeling i had with #1 and spent 3 days in hospital looking at him and wondering when he would be cute and when i'd start loving him...very strange experience.
it took a while but now oh man do i love him.
i think #1 helped a lot in that she had instant love for him and cared so much - she taught me.
my partner helped a ton by letting me take a bath with #1 or spend good one on one time which always seemed to calm her down if she was jealous/tantrumy and make me feel like i still had a bond with my girl.
now i have the both and i love them both so much and at 7 months and just over 2 yeard old life is getting easier and sweeter by the day.
just remember things are always different than you expect...once baby #2 comes for you this feeling might not even be an issue.
take care and good luck!!

[Eva]

This concern is one of my big reasons for not wanting another child soon, or ever. I adore being buddies with my toddler and the ease we have to do whatever we want on her schedule. Having a second baby seems to mess up all my friends' abilities to do anything fun. Maybe I'll feel different if/when another child is a real person and not a theory.;

[Suki]

@ dog owners: To the ones who have commented about their sadness over their close relationship with their dogs since the baby arrived. I too have a dog and a baby and have worked SO hard at treating the dog like she is still queen of the household. We are out every morning and every afternoon for long walks and ball throwing - winter cold / snow / rain / or shine - with the baby in the bjorn or stroller. I did it from the time I got home from the hospital/delivery and the baby now craves/expects that outdoor time every single day. The baby is now just over a year and throws the ball for the dog at the park. They both love it and it is too cute. So, it can be done. I really don't think dogs need to suffer because a baby has arrived on the scene. Keep working at it.

[Chaya]

So, I said before that I totally relate, but that it's all ok now. Oldest is 5, then 2, then 4 months. I think I might always on some level mourn\miss that time I had alone with #1, but, and here's the important part, I don't think she is missing out. She, and the other two, who also don't have my exclusive attention and never have, gain more than they lose. First of all, I know this sounds trite, but they have each other. They adore each other, and I pray that those unique relationships continue to grow, and will continue long after we are gone. Also, I think it is not necessarily bad for them to not have me exclusively. They still have my full attention for the important stuff they need, and I agree with many previous posters about making one-on-one time, which is totally doable. But I think they are kinder, more generous, sharing people because they have learned to be at home. The older two feel responsible for the other kids. I have NEVER expected them to, but they have naturally WANTED to. They both WANT to change the baby's diaper, entertain her, etc. They know that sometimes somebody is crying, and needs my attention and we need to interrupt what we are doing. They know that they are ALL the center of my universe, but that each individual needs me in different ways at different times. In fact, one of my proudest moments came when my oldest's teachers told me that she is the peacemaker in her class, and the child they can count on to be willing to be flexible and help out in any situation. She is not a passive child, by a long shot, she is a leader, and she has learned that, I think by being a big sister and caring about other's needs.

Oh yeah, I also think they would be bored without each other all the time. My kids love having other kids to play with.

So, to sum up...I think....hard transition for us, definitely a mourning process of the CHANGE, but it is ultimately a worth it change to make, even if it is hard.

[Moxie]

Ali, not a secret, I just didn't think it was important enough to post. The mismatch I felt was that my son seemed to be really angry and want to cry and I felt like I couldn't comfort him. And then I offhandedly made a remark to my therapist about how my mom said I just wanted to hurtle out of her arms, and I always felt like she was trying to make everything better all the time.

And my therapist connected the dots in half a second and said, "So it sounds like you really just wanted someone to acknowledge and accept your anger, not tell you that everything was going to be OK."

Um, duh. So, yeah, once I started saying to my son "You're angry! You feel mad and sad and you just want to cry!" And he'd look at me and then stop crying and want to hug me! Like as soon as I acknowledged his angry feelings and validated them instead of just glossing over them and trying to comfort him, he didn't need to be so angry anymore.

Then, strangely, it started to be easier for me to be angry. And I talked to my mom about it, and she realized she was never really allowed to be angry as a child, either. And, even more strangely, in the past few years since having this realization, my mom has allowed herself to have her own anger, too.

Round, like a circle like a wheel within a wheel...

[Charis]

I haven't had time to read all the comments, so I don't know if my experience has already been reflected here.

I had my second daughter when my first was 2.5 years old. Up until then, she (older) and I had been great buddies. She was a really "portable" baby/toddler, and we easily did everything together. We really seemed to be in a groove with each other. I have these portraits that we had taken when I was about seven months pregnant for my husband, of her and my pregnant self, and they really remind me of how we were just bonded then.

Having said that, when the second came along, I bonded with her more quickly, and just enjoyed the whole infant experience more, for a number of reasons. This led to a fair amount of guilt on my part about enjoying my second more than my first, and, in my mind, doing a better job with her, too.

When my second was around six months, I did start longing for those days when it was just my oldest and me. And my husband and I are eager to start traveling again, and when the second came, we realized that that dream would have to be deferred again. So there were definitely losses there, too. But I think you eventually hit your groove again with two, and you can't imagine anything else. That might happen soon, or in a while, but you'll all adjust eventually.

[hydrogeek]

Moxie - Wow. How powerful...and eye-opening. Thank you for sharing.

[Nut Mommy]

I haven't had time to read through all the PP in detail, but I've thought about this one myself as we consider trying for #2 this summer. I definitely want more than one child, but I worry about what it will do to my relationship with the Nut. One thing I've thought about if we are lucky enough to have another (I'm a big believer in planning ahead) is to try to carve out weekly or more frequent "dates" with the Nut that would be just one-on-one time.

When I was about 5 weeks into maternity leave with the Nut, my husband encouraged me to find someone who could come in a couple of hours a week (we have no local helpful family) so I could run errands on my own, exercise, or just sit in a coffee shop to read a book. This also helped in terms of getting the Nut used to taking a bottle from and being with someone else and for me to get used to pumping, leaving him, etc. due to my inevitable return to work.

I think with the next one, I will do the same, only make sure that instead of just having me time, I'll have "me and Nut" time, whether it is going out to lunch, or to the park, or somewhere by ourselves. I think it will be important to make a big deal that this is our special time, no babies allowed, etc.

[pnuts mama]

love the comments as always-

@ julie- wow, i can so relate to the feelings of resentment and anger over losing who i was and my alone time, especially when i had a baby who seemed to only ever want to be on me. i felt so guilty over feeling relief over getting even 25 minutes away from her, but it's just who i am as a person- thanks for validating that.

@ christine- i think you've hit the nail on the head that we bring our experiences from our own childhood to how we approach our choices for our kids. i have an older sister but we weren't raised together after i was about 5, so i share your feelings of being smothered as an only child. my husband is the youngest of four and he often says his parents missed plenty of his 'stuff' as a kid and he resents that a bit (actually, they skipped things not b/c of their other kids, so that is sort of a diff issue)- anyway. what i think is great is that we've always been so aware of wanting to find a good balance between distance and closeness- i imagine it's as much of a work in progress as the rest of my life.

@ hedra- i too have to mourn and grieve the changes that occur throughout life- much more than i like to admit sometimes. i always know when i haven't worked it through when i find myself re-visiting something months or years later. yeesh.

[Steph]

I absolutely can relate to this. My son was just under four when my daughter was born last summer and I missed my previous relationship with him terribly. Didn't help when I developed PPD and really started to mourn how it "used to be" and started seriously regretting having #2.

But when I think about it, having another child has been an overall positive experience for #1. I have to say he was getting spoiled and I was *too* wrapped up in him. Over the past 9 months he has had to learn that he isn't the center of Mommy's universe and he's done so much better with that than I ever could have predicted. And it's been good for me to take a step back -- he's developed a better relationship with his father as a result and has matured into this incredible little boy.

BTW, I can vouch for the PPD website that Holly shared. It's what I used to find help and my local rep was fantastic. She gave me several referrals and I found a great therapist and was in her office within two days.

[caro]

As usual I think I am lagging behind the curve on getting over this one. My younger daughter is almost 9 months old and I feel like I'm still mourning the changed relationship with my oldest and, as Eva put it, the loss of the ability to "do anything fun". I see that it'll get better, but right now older daughter and I are still on our asses trying to get back to some sort of new normal.

I wonder how much of this has to do with development of the older child, as well. Baby was born when older daughter was 2.5 -- an age where lots of parents, not just those who're adding a new sibling to the mix -- feel the loss of their delightful baby/toddler as the kid grows into a more independent and not always quite so pleasant person.

[Holly]

Me too! My girls are 20 months apart, and the beginning was so difficult. I hadn't even considered how much having Girl2 would change my relationship with Girl1. I'd always been able to be on Girl1's time schedule, there when she needed me, etc., but with a baby in the mix that wasn't always possible. I think it bothered my daughter a little bit, but it bothered me a LOT.

One day a friend offered to come to my house and just be there while Girl2 napped, so I could take Girl1 to the park or whatever. I cried and cried because I was so grateful that she understood what I needed.

Girl1 is much closer to her Daddy since Girl2 arrived, which is a great thing. I love that, but I still miss having her be my focus.

[Kinky]

For Sherry, who is worried that her only might become spoiled, I recommend checking out Lois Nachamie's So Glad We Waited. It's a wonderful book for older parents that covers how to avoid the pitfalls of older parenting (spoilage!).

[Amy]

My kids are older now -- almost 7 and just turned 4 -- but I vividly remember going through this same thing. When I was about 16 weeks pregnant with my second -- a baby that was much planned and hoped for -- I was suddenly over come with sadness for what would happen to my first born after the baby came. I remember crying and wondering how I could possibly ever love another child as much as I loved him, how there could possibly be enough of me to give to two children, and whether I was just going to end up shorting everyone in the end.

All that said, I don't really recall feeling that way after my daughter was born. I was so instantly struck with love for her -- and shell-shocked at how big my former "baby" looked next to his little sister -- that I almost couldn't believe that I'd ever wondered about the ability to love both of them. Moments where I had both of them together -- such as nursing the baby while reading my son a book -- were such treasures to me and I felt such a great way to teach my son some new things about how to love and how to share.

Obviously my relationship with my son changed after my daughter was born, although I still love him in a way that is different from the way that I love my daughter (not less, or more, just different as no one else could ever be my first baby). And he certainly had many periods (and still does) of sibling jealousy. But now that my kids are older, and neither of them is so dependent upon me, its actually pretty easy to have a one-on-one relationship with each of them that is specific to who they are. For instance, I schedule "dates" with each of them, where they get just me (or just my husband). Sometimes its a trip to a museum or maybe just going out for lunch. But something that lets us still have some one-on-one bonding time.

Wow -- this is getting long, and I'm not even really sure where I am going with it, other than to say that your feelings are normal and part of the whole adjustment process. And try to remember that your relationship with your child is constantly evolving and changing, whether or not you add a sibling to the mix, and sometimes that evolution can seem a bit scary or overwhelming (for both you and your child!). Hang in there!