Q&A: Daycare problems

Daycare moms, we need your help! I know next to nothing about daycare, and another mom is having a hard time of it. Please weigh in with your advice and support.

Kinneret just went back to work last week, and her son is 3 months old. You can read how the first day went here.

(She's doing in-home daycare, with two adults and four kids total, so he's getting plenty of attention and holding.)

The next few days went well because she only worked half-days, and stayed in the daycare with him for a few hours each day to help get him adjusted. (And I was feeling like a super-genius, because my thoughts were that staying with him to help him get adjusted would take care of the problem since he would be used to the daycare provider by the time he needed to be alone with her. I fear my hubris has caused bad luck for Kinneret.) But then on Monday he refused a bottle from the daycare provider and screamed inconsolably for 45 minutes. Kinneret had to leave work to go get him.

She doesn't have the option of taking more time off work, but she can't "break" her baby. Any ideas how to make this easier on him (and her!) so he can be happy in daycare?

Comments

[PumpkinMama]

That just sucks. My little dude was similar. Can she pack a blankie that smells like her (sleep with it for a bit). Is there any chance one of the providers could sling him and tote him around? I think part of it is just going to be waiting it out - I know its horrible and it sucks, but he will adjust. I don't consider it CIO, assuming the provider is responding to him when he's upset, he just needs a little time to learn he can get comfort from someone other than mama.

As for bottles, my guy drank only just enough to keep himself from starving - he was a hefty boy who nursed voraciously, but would down only 4-6oz over the course of a 6 hour daycare day - hardly anything. He never got better with the bottles, and I stopped worrying about it too much as it didn't affect his weight (I also didn't have to pump as much volume wise, which was nice), and at 6mos we could add some solids, and that helped a lot, and made me feel better too.

Also, in her blog post she mentioned packing medication - is he sick right now? If so, that is going to be a double-whammy of crappiness until he's feeling better. Even at 2.5, my guy is miserable at daycare (which he now loves) if he's feeling the slightest bit under the weather.

[Kinneret]

Wow, Moxie, you're awesome. Lemme clarify a couple of things : We are doing M-W-F daycare. I am supposed to work 10 hour shifts during that time. Work is being understanding right now but I'm an RN - they need me there.
Daycare person doesn't want to do one-on-one with my son because of her own infant, it's a problem. Imri (my son) is a social boy and he likes to be held and interacted with. So when he's cranky/upset/missing mom, he definitely needs one-on-one and Daycare feels she just can't give it.

As for the meds - she asked I pack Tylenol just in case, he's a happy and healthy boy otherwise.
And there are 4 older kids 2x4 y.o. and 2x 2 y.o or so) and 2 infants.

I'm looking forward to reading the responses. Thank you so much!

[Kelly]

Is there any way you can switch providers? It sounds like your son (Imri?) is going to end up waiting all the time because she's taking care of her baby first. If there was a provider you could switch to with older kids and no baby, he might have a better chance of one-to-one attention.

[k]

when she says she doesn't do one on one does that mean sling him or even sit with him on her lap? do you have a choice of daycare providers?
my daugther started daycare [2 days a week] at 7 months and still to this day 6 months later HATES it when i leave, the solution for us has been for one of the providers to hold her and her lovey while i kiss goodbye and the QUICKLY leave and then keep holding her untill she stops crying, and that normally does not take longer than a couple of minuttes [i can stand outside the door and wait before i go]...
what is your leaving ritual like?

[Tracy]

I agree with Kelly. I have a friend who teaches daycare and she says it's their policy to give an infant under about six months his or her own carer. I'm in New Zealand, but I imagine you should be able to find a facility where you are that will do that.

It may not solve the problem completely - in fact it may well get worse, and definitely will get worse when Imri is teething or sick, and when he hits about 9 months of age, which is when most kids go through a super-clingy phase. But as PumpkinMama says, over time he will learn that many of his needs, including attention and snuggles, can be given by someone else for a few hours a day.

Good luck!

[Lissa]

We started day care when Megan was about 9 months old and it was really really difficult for the first month and a half - during which time she got her first ear infection - which just complicated everything. She was at that age of separation anxiety and mommy only too - which just made it worse too. We did not prolong the drop off though - and I did sit outside the room and she never cried long - even though I would call my husband on the cell phone on the drive to work in tears. It is heart-wrenching - especially when I would go at lunch to nurse her for nap, and they would tell me she'd had a rough morning. But she did eventually adapt (and we got ear tubes, which helped immensely with the constant ear infections). I really don't know what was magic for her - it just all of a sudden started getting better - so I know that's not much help. She only goes 2 days a week - and I think that made the transition harder for her. But after about a month, maybe 6 weeks, she would wave bye bye to me without any trouble and had great reports - and was happy to see me at lunchtime, and took a great nap. I think it just took longer since she was only there 2 days a week.
About a month ago, we went on vacation for a week and she did have a little bit of a hard time getting back into the day care thing - but I think that's normal with holidays and such.
She just transitioned to the toddler room with new teachers and kids and had no problems moving up there.
I wish I had the magic answer for you - I really do - but it WILL get easier on both of you.

[lisa]

My son isn't in daycare, so I'm afraid I don't have any proven advice. Lots of sympathy though- I was supposed to go back to work part-time but couldn't leave my son. He's turning one this week, and I still can't be away from him for more than a couple of hours.

That said, here are a few thoughts. Is it possible for him to be worn? Ideally in a wrap or mei tai or other "snuggly" carrier he might like. The closeness may help calm him.

If it's at all possible, is there any way to have him close enough so that you could nurse him on your lunch break? Even half an hour with you might help.

Good luck!

[Kinneret]

I am looking at a different provider, but this one was so highly recommended by a friend. Oh well.
I have to find someone and have been looking on Craigslist. The big centers like Kindercare are so expensive.

The biggest problem is not with my leaving - he is good with that, it's about 2-3 hours in when he realizes that I'm not around and there's no boob to feed off of. That's when he seems to go snake.
Also, daycare lady just feels he is taking up a lot of her time and she may not have enough time to devote to her daughter. And she doesn't want that. I agree that he should have 1:1 care for the first while, I do. I just don't know where to go to get it. Anyone from Maryland (rockville area?)

I could definitely go nurse him on my lunch break but that wouldn't be till 12-1 pm and doesn't solve the 10-11 screaming issue.
I'm really hoping tomorrow goes better. He did take a bottle from my husband tonight ... *shrug*.

[wix]

um, yeah...bad provider, even if she did come highly recommended. i can completely understand that she feels her daughter's gravitational pull, but she's neglecting your son's very legitimate needs, and to be blunt, i suspect that until that stops he's going to continue melting down.

i know the high cost of child care all too well, but is there some way you can find a nanny share, or find a child development undergrad with a T-TH class schedule? personally, i wouldn't trust craigslist for something like this, but maybe it's different in MD.

in texas, the legal provider-to-infant ratio is either 1 to 3 or 1 to 4, can't recall which. she's definitely spread too thin with that many children under her care.

[Jessica]

When our daughter was born, we lived in the DC area (Falls Church, VA) and I worked full-time, necessitating that she be placed in child care, full-time. We started when she was 4 months old. We used a child care center, which had an infant room ratio of 1:4 (the legal requirement in VA) but in reality, they maintained a 1:2 ratio at that location at almost all times (as is common with many centers, the ratio might go a little higher at the beginning or especially end of the day, as babies and staff members came in or went home). Each infant had one staff member dedicated to them, and since the "infant" room went up to 15 months of age, what that center did was pair each teacher with an older baby and a younger one. This worked really well for my daughter because her teacher was willing and able to spend the one on one time with her that she needed. Fortunately, she was also very good about accepting EBM in a bottle, which I also think helped (probably the only good side-effect about a nasty month-long bout with thrush when she was 6 weeks old!)

I agree with the other posters that the provider you have right now might not be the best fit for both your family and hers. Your son will be able to adapt to having another caretaker, but it really needs to be the right fit. I know first-hand how expensive the infant care is in the DC area, and also how long wait-lists can be for quality centers and providers. However, you might want to check out this web site offered by Montgomery County http://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/hhstmpl.asp?url=/Content/hhs/cyf/CCRRC/families/family.asp if you haven't already. Also, I would look into nanny-shares in the area, as they are pretty common. If you could find a provider that only has one tiny baby in his/her care, that would probably work out best for you. Finally, something that we did that helped both M and I make the transition, was to have my mother come and stay with us for about 10 days when I initially went back to work. She stayed with M all day, which allowed her to get used to being with someone other than me, but in an environment where I felt completely comfortable leaving her. I don't know if you have a friend or relative who could provide this service to you, but it was really helpful to me at the time.

Good luck!

[Moxie]

Kinneret, it sounds as if your provider is giving you big hints that she wants to drop you anyway. I think it's pretty irresponisble of her to take Imri in the first place and then be giving you this runaround, first about not giving him the one-on-one he needs from her, and then also by saying that she doesn't know if she can do it without saying straight out that she can't take him.

[Carrie]

I went back to work at 11.5 weeks (he's now 8.5 months). I use a large center (KinderCare). The ratio is 4:1 for kids under 12-months, but sometimes the ratio is lower. It is expensive, and I will tell you exactly how much it costs in Chicago. For 3 days/week it is $172. For 5/wk, it's $229. The price does include baby food and 2 cans of formula per week. We were breastfeeding, so we were eligible for a credit for the formula.
My son would not take EBM from a bottle. He would take 4 ounces over an entire 10-hour day. We experimented. Eventually, we figured out that I could not feed "on demand" at home. I could feed him when he was hungry, but I had to keep it to a rough schedule. Then, "at school", he would get fed at the same times whether he was fussy-hungry or not. He would never fuss to let them know he was hungry so they had to get him before he wanted it. We settled on the Platex nurser with Fast Flow nipples. We started his schedule with him getting bottles at 9, 12, and 3. We now give bottles at 10 & 2 with a lunch meal at 11 or 12.
My son was the first breastfed baby they had ever had there, so I had to educate them on how to feed him a bottle. He needed to be held in a cradle hold and closely held (preferably somewhere without a lot of distractioins or just facing the wall). In the beginning, they dedicated one person to feeding him his bottles since he was so "special" about that.
My son was not especially clingy. I didn't sling him at home, and honestly, we didn't hold him all that much either, so his separation had a lot more to do with eating than my actual presence.
If your caregiver doesn't think she can handle him, she probably can't. And, with her high recommendations, you might want to try her again later. For now, you might need to bite the bullet and go with some other arrangement (a center, shared nanny, other mother, etc). Then, later, after the transition has worked well and been good for several months, switch back to her. A good time to switch might be when Imri "graduates" from the infant room at a center to the 1-yr toddler room.

Good luck. I know it's hard, but you can do it and so can Imri.

[Carrie]

One more thing about costs:
If you are paying your current provider "off-the-books" and you choose to go with a big, expensive center, you may be able to use a Dependent Care Reimbursement Account to help you save on taxes. Sometimes they are called DCRAs or Flexible Spending Accounts (FSAs). You put pre-tax money into an account and can get reimbursed for the expenses without taxes coming out of the money. You can put away $5000 per year. It saves us about $1300/year. You can usually only sign up during open enrollment or if you have a qualifying change (such as the birth of a child or a change in work status). If you haven't changed your benefits already, you may be able to use the qualifying change clause since you have a "new" baby.

[happy]

First, I want to commiserate with you. I am WOHM too and have also been gut-wrenched by the quagmire that it is sending your child to a daycare provider. I am sending my son to a big center (Kindercare style). When he first started he also had a rough time since he started with a nasty cold that came with an ear infection.
Without making this into a big story, it does take time. I also looked for a home care setting because I think that if the right one is found he would be better there. For one, less kids, hence less illnesses going around. At my center is really bad, they have all the way to kidergarden and well, colds, flus, etc just go around from room to room.
I put up a posting on Craiglist specifically looking for an AP mom wanting to take care of another child at home. My thought is that I can only trust an in-home care place if the caregiver and I have the same parenting perspective. I had a few responses, the one that caught my eye was from someone who wanted to meet with me and build up the trust not someone who was willing to take my child immediately. At the end I decided to keep my son where he is because he won't be there for much longer (3 months tops) and the switch wouldn't make it worth it. Another place for leads is playgroups too.
Finally, switching to a bigger setting may not be what you wanted. With ratios of 4-to-1 your child could get even less attention than he gets now. I have spent many hours in my baby's room and I can see that the providers do as much as they can but they can not do one-on-one with any baby hardly ever. They really do what they can, but at any given point of the day they are taking care of at least 3 babies at once.
I wish you the best of luck, finding the perfect place for your little one is tough.

[Alecia]

My son has been in a daycare center 4 days a week since he was 4 months old (he's now 8 1/2 months). They are very experienced caregivers, but lately I heard them say, "He had a really happy day *for a change*!" which is making me worry that he's had a horrible time the past 4 1/2 months!

He's a baby who likes to be held a lot, so I think what they mean is that he is now happy playing by himself, rather than being held. He hardly ever cries if you're holding him, but until recently--now that he can scoot around on the floor--wasn't content for very long by himself.

I think if we had a caregiver who reacted like yours to his need to be held a lot, we would have changed providers, so don't be afraid to look for someone else. Yours is not the only baby who needs more attention than some.

We use the dependent care spending account and it really helps us because the money comes out of the paycheck before we ever see it. Watch out, though, because there is a yearly limit, which in our case doesn't come close to covering a full year's worth of daycare expenses. We've decided to spread out the cost and only submit receipts for reimbursement every other week so that we're not stuck paying every single week a the end of the year. Just make sure the math works out for you because it's a use-it-or-lose-it account and you definitely don't want to be left with money still in it.

Putting kids in daycare is really hard, but necessary for a lot of us. I think all the suggestions so far are really good - the caregiver should be more responsive to both your son's needs and your childrearing beliefs.

Go with your gut if you think she's not a good fit for you and your son (maybe your friend's baby didn't need as much 1x1 holding time).

[J]

Oh Kinneret,
What a tough situation. My daughter would cry for a few minutes when I dropped her off, and that was pretty rough for me. I would always hide and peek in to make sure she was okay before I left. I don't know what I would have done if she had periods of crying inconsolably for 20 minutes to 45 minutes! I think there are two issues:
(1) Is your baby a baby that needs to be held all the time? Mine was, and my daycare was able to comply with that (they have a 3 to 1 ratio with the experienced caregivers, but they also have college student interns), so there were always some arms she could be in, and that was really what she needed. If this daycare provider can't hold your baby as much as your baby needs to be held (and if that's what is making your baby cry), then you should look for a daycare provider that can give your baby the one to one he needs.
(2) Is your baby taking the bottle okay? When I initially went back to work, my daughter stayed with family members for about 2.5 months until she could get into daycare. My first week back, she started refusing the bottle, and would cry inconsolably until I came home to nurse her at lunch. She started a pattern of sleeping from the moment I walked out the door until I got home for lunch to nurse her, then sleeping most of the afternoon until I got home, and then nursing on and off for the rest of the evening and all through the night (not much rest for me). It was like she had decided to just make her nighttime all the time I was away and her daytime all the time I was home. Anyway, we experimented with different nipples and bottles and eventually found ones that she would take more willingly. Once she got into the swing of taking a bottle very comfortably during the day, I could leave her all day and she didn't have the inconsolable crying periods. Anyway, you mentioned that he wouldn't take the EBM, and also that his crying period tends to be 10-11 am, which sounds like feeding time to me. Is it possible that he is crying from hunger and also refusing the bottle and that is what is making him inconsolable? If so, maybe have your husband and/or daycare provider try out different nipples and bottles and see if you can come across ones that he will take more willingly. The rubber rather than silicone nipples are what did the trick for us, they are much softer in the babies mouth (I think more like mom's breast). Anyway, good luck to you, and I sure hope that things get better very soon.

[Kinneret]

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. I wish I knew what to say - or think, for that matter. Today wasn't much better and both she and her mother held my son all morning ... I left him around 745 (after nursing him)and he was fine, playing and happy. He started crying around 8:30 - 9 ... not serious crying, but fussy crying and then really started crying around 10.

She called me at 10:30 to come get him - I could hear him screaming in the background. She had gotten him to take 2 oz of EBM so I don't think it was hunger although he ate very well when I got there.

I think he just wants his mom. I don't know what else to think.

I will have to look for a nanny share or something although I am not sure where to start. Thank you ALL of you. I really appreciate it.

[Pam]

First off, I think craigslist.com is a fantastic way to find childcare. I have hired 2 exceptional women (college students) to help us over the past 18 months.
Kinneret, are you able to hire someone to come to your house and care for Imri? I may have missed this in one of your posts...is it finacially not possible? I think he sounds like a baby who needs to be in his own home, being cared for by one loving, capable adult right now. My guess is that he will be able to handle daycare when he's more social and mobile with other children....like at about a year. This was true with our son....he started daycare 2 days/week at 11 months. Before that age, we had an adult come to our house to care for him. We paid $12/hour.
Pam

[Jen (yup, another one)]

Kinneret, I'd also suggest looking at DC Urban Moms. It *is* more city focused but I've seen listings that go as far into the 'burbs as Rockville. You don't need to join the list to access the childcare board - it's maintained separately OFF of the gargantuan mailing list.

www.dcurbanmoms.com

Good luck!

[Anna]

Hmmmm, I'm not sure how to deal with the bottle refusal - honestly, it sounds to me like he wants the Boob, and is quickly learning that screaming will get him the Boob. But I'm not sure how to deal with that. Maybe kellymom.com has some advice?

The only suggestion I have is that if there's any way you can change your schedule to three days in a row, DO IT. I tried a variable 3 day a week schedule when my then 4 month old started daycare, and it was a disaster (we tried the same M-W-F schedule you have). Although she never refused bottles, she just got very, very out of sorts from Tuesday through to Friday, both at home and at daycare. After two weeks, we switched to Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and things went much better. The home one day, daycare the next, then home again was I think really messing with her poor little head.