Ask Moxie

Welcome June's sponsor: DreamBox Learning

I am so happy to announce that June's Ask Moxie sponsor is DreamBox Learning. You may remember the review I wrote of their online math video games for kids from preschool through Grade 2. They are offering a special deal for Ask Moxie readers throughout the month of June, so click through the image in the right-hand column or through this link: http://www.dreambox.com/askmoxie to get to the discount. They're also going to give us some great math-related content to look at during the summer break. So please sign up for the free trial and see if your kids like playing math games online. All June posts will appear under this one, so scroll down.

Q&A: Taking a baby to see fireworks? (aka fitting your baby into your life)

Lisa writes:

"As a new mom I find myself now thinking hard about all kinds of things that were once no-brainers, like whether or not to go see the fireworks on the Fourth of July. I have gone out to see fireworks as long as I can remember and enjoy them, but now I have a son who just turned 8 months I'm concerned going to the show and keeping him out late at such a loud and stimulating event might be a form of "sleep suicide" for everyone (and that is only considering the late bedtime...we have no idea how he'll react to fireworks). In our area, the fireworks don't start until 10pm, and usually last about 30 minutes. I would definitely give him a really late nap if we did decide to brave it. But the closer we get, the more I'm having second thoughts about attempting this. So do I listen to my gut, or do I practice "you never know until you try"? And what do families do when they have a range of kids...like an older child and an infant? Do they have to split up the family so one parent stays home with the infant or toddler and the other takes the older kids, or just take everyone and bear any consequences? Does it only matter how much I value seeing those firework shows? Maybe I'm thinking about this way too much, but if you'd like to throw this out there for everyone to discuss I'd be really interested in any experience or words of wisdom in making this kind of decision."

Well, number 1: Always go with your gut.

And, number 2: Yes, you are overthinking this particular issue, but it seems to me that this is just a stand-in for the greater question of "How do you fit your baby in to the life you've loved without sacrificing too much of yourself or too much of your baby's wellbeing?"

Balance is really hard to achieve. We touched on it a few weeks ago when talking about weaning, but it's an ongoing process. There are some things that are clearly good for everyone: eating vegetables, sleeping, dancing around in the living room to your favorite album from high school. But there are so many other situations in which you have to make decisions, whether big or small, about whose needs are prioritized.

There's no way anyone else can make that decision for you. You have to come up with your own process for making these decisions. In some families, everyone does it or no one does it. In other families they split up so kids get alone time with parents and to do special things only they enjoy. Some families have kids in bed at 7 pm no matter what, while others let their kids stay up hanging out with the adults talking long into the night. Privacy, communication, schoolwork--the list of things that are going to need negotiation goes on and on.

It might be worth your time to talk with your partner and see if you can come up with some guiding principles. Is it more important to you to keep his sleep normal now? Is it more important to celebrate the holiday the way you always do (bearing in mind that you should come home if the sounds freak him out)? Do you want to make a blanket policy decision, or play it by ear every year as he gets older? There are so many variables, so if you can isolate a few things that are more important to you than the others, that will help you make your decision.

How do you all approach making decisions like this? And what are you doing for the holiday weekend (in the US)? And did Canadians get the last few days off, too?

Q&A: help for extreme hair loss after baby?

Julie writes:

"Not sure if I should see a doctor about this, but I'm betting there is someone out there that can save me the time and co-pay of a doctor's visit.  I'm breastfeeding my second son, and my hair is falling out.  This happened to a lesser extent with my first, I had a couple bald spots hidden underneath all my long hair no larger than the size of a quarter.  I took some prenatal vitamins and it cleared up.  This time I'm taking the same prenatal vitamin, and my hair is still falling out.  Are there any additional supplements, or different types of vitamins other than prenatals I could take to at least slow down the hair loss?"

Hmm. I know losing hair for up to the first year after having a baby is normal, but this does sound extreme. I never had any hair changes during pregnancy or after having the baby either time, so I went poking around on the internet to see what I could find.

I didn't find much specifically about post-baby hair loss (they all said "it'll stop soon") but did find this article on WebMD with a doctor specializing in women's hair loss and vitamins. Turns out that some of the culprits are our usual suspects for PPD, low sex drive, and basically everything else that goes kablooey after having a baby: Omega 3s and B vitamins, along with iron.

It could also be hormonal, in which case doing the normal hormone-balancing things--sleeping enough (ha), getting exercise that works your core (pilates, T-Tapp, yoga), seeing the sun (if there is any in your area), and laughing--will help.

I'm wondering if any of you out there have experience with the same degree of hair loss that Julie's having. Or if anyone slowed or stopped the hair loss with vitamins or minerals. If so, what did you take? This is one of those problems that sounds minor, but is really demoralizing and could indicate a bigger problem.

Q&A: Changing daycare providers

I'm out of the city today, so if anyone signs up for More Moxie today or tomorrow, you won't get the first assignment until I get back early Friday morning, but you will get it!

Libby writes:

"My son is 13 months old, and he's been at the same in-home daycare since he was 6 months old (which is when I went back to work).  He does very well there, and the babysitter is a sweet, sweet mom of 3 other kids.  But there were some disadvantages that made us decide that we should move him.  One is that it is really out of my way to go to her house.  I lose about 80 mins a day driving him to and from daycare, and my husband can never help with the drop off and pickup.  She watches some neighborhood kids after school, and we are not comfortable with the # of kids she is watching during those hours.  She also has a 'special needs' son, who is becoming more of a handful the older he gets.  And, overall my husband has never been comfortable with him there.  He prefers the structure and organization of a daycare center.  So we made the decision to move him in 2 months to a really good daycare center closer to home.  

I've been a wreck ever since.  I feel like I broke up with her, and I've been crying for 2 days.  I know she really cares about my son, and it breaks my heart to move him.  And I know that she really needs the money, so I feel like I'm causing her stress - which I know shouldn't be my concern, but I can't help it.  This is my first child, and I feel so torn up about taking him away from the only caregiver he has known besides us.  I truly believe that moving him is the right decision in the long run - my gut tells me it's time for a change.  But, I never expected all the tears over this transition.  I'm sure people have survived this type of move before - am I crazy for being so broken up over this? "

You are sooooo not crazy for being broken up over this. Childcare is super-important. If you're not happy with your child's care it affects your whole life. And making a major change like this is stressful for everyone.

But it sounds like you've thought it through from all the angles, and moving is the right decision for you. This is probably a good age--15-month-olds tend to be very social, and he'll adapt quickly.

I hope she can find someone else to fill your son's spot to keep up her income. Even though you know it shouldn't be your first concern, it still makes you feel bad.

My kids' amazing nanny left on Thursday, so we're going through some grieving here, too. It hurts, to know that things will be different for your child and that they'll miss someone who loves them. And you'll miss her, too, because she shared your son with you.

Does anyone have any tips to help Libby with this? I'm not worried that her son will have trouble transitioning, but it sounds like she could use some words of encouragement.

Q&A: strangers giving unsolicited "helpful" advice on the street

More Moxie "Trusting Your Instincts As a Parent" is starting tomorrow morning. You can still hop in--just click the link on the left sidebar there and sign up!

Now here's a question that's far less emotional than yesterday's topic was. Krys writes:

"It seems like every time I take my daughter--she's 8 months--out of the house, someone's giving me advice or telling me I'm doing something wrong. And it's not even if Ava's crying. We can be walking along, minding our own business, and someone will cross the street to tell me she should be wearing a hat. Seriously?? I am about to lose it and say something nasty. Is it just me? Maybe some kind of vibe I give off that says I welcome meddling? And is there anything I can say that won't sound impolite but will shut them up?"

Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha. I've been hating the meddling for 8 years now (since I was pregnant with my older son). You'd think that as an advice columnist I'd be more inclined to give people random advice, but I rarely do (and it's almost always about physical comfort issues like the straps of a carrier being twisted or something). Maybe I see enough real problems that I don't need to make things up.

I think at the bottom of it, that's why people give un solicited advice to strangers--they want to feel important. Which is understandable, because we all want to feel important. Some people just choose better outlets.

At any rate, I completely understand the feeling of just wanting to punch someone in the face when they tell me my kid is underdressed when it's sweltering outside. And I may, when particularly sleep-deprived, have said some not-so-nice things in response.

But I belive the high road that also cuts people off in their tracks is the classic Miss Manners response, which is to smile with your lips but make your eyes go cold, and say simply, "How kind of you to take an interest." And then move on. (This also works when people ask when you're going to have another baby.) Even if the other person doesn't immediately realize how presumptuous they've been, there's still not much they can say in reply.

Can everyone please share the most ridiculous or horrifying thing someone's said to them on the street with their child? Mine was the time I was pushing my older son in the stroller, hugely pregnant, and some lady *chased me down the block* to tell me my son was picking his nose. "Ma'am, he's 3," is all I said. I'm still proud of my restraint.

Now you go.

Q&A: depressed partner

There's no quoted email for today, because I've gotten too many emails about living with a depressed partner to pick just one.

I got the first one about two months ago, and delayed answering because I didn't know what to say, exactly. I think my thoughts are maybe not exactly mainstream, because I grew up with a depressed parent who never quite got on top of it, and I have depression myself (that was in remission from the time my older son was born until last month, but I'm back in remission now).

But now these emails are escalating, and I'm getting a new one every week from someone whose husband or wife is just barely functioning, either with or without meds. I think it's clearly related to the economy, and people worrying about not having a job or losing a job and what's going to happen to their families. And WTF does it all really mean anyway? Especially in light of all the climate change and freaky events and the fact that the world basically seems like it's on the verge of blowing up.

The majority of emails I'm getting are from people with depressed male partners. I don't think that's a coincidence, either (aside from the fact that most of my readers are straight women). In general, men tend to be more socially isolated than women do. Even if you don't know anyone in your town, you probably have a friend somewhere that you can talk to if you're a woman, or at least you can come here and hang out and recognize the regular commenters and know you're not alone.

Men are more likely to be emotionally isolated. For the most part, they go to work and come home. Maybe they hang out with some male friends on weekends, but lots of men still don't talk about their emotions, except on approved topics (how much they love their kids, etc.). I don't think most men would feel comfortable talking with other men about the despair and flat-out rage that is part of depression.

So I have so much sympathy for people who are in the middle of it. I know how hard it is just to walk across the room without having your soul hurt. And if you can find those one or two things that don't make you feel like you're going to lose it completely you really grab onto them, even if they're stupid counterproductive things. Even if you're just trading the hurt for rage or derision, or losing yourself somewhere like TV or the internet.

But I've also been on the other side of it. A little kid who didn't know why her dad was never home (self-medicating with work) or alternated among smotheringly loving (because we were the only worthwhile things he had), distant and unable to interface, or angry. I saw how my mom became our parent, and our dad the visitor. It felt like my dad didn't love us enough to try to get out of it. And I vowed that I would do whatever I had to to prevent my kids from ever feeling that way about me.

So the controversial part of my views is this: I think depression is a disease, like diabetes is. And you have sympathy for people who have it, because it affects everything. But if a person with diabetes just stopped doing anything healthy, went off insulin and binged on carbs, that wouldn't be responsible, and you'd hold them accountable for it while still offering them help. There is no one treatment that works for depression for everyone, but someone who doesn't even try anything is not being responsible. And I don't think their families should just take it on themselves to adjust their lives to facilitate the depression.

That may mean having to say to your partner, "This isn't OK. You need to see your doctor." Or asking your partner to stop taking sleeping pills (yeah, insomnia is a symptom of depression, but sleeping pills make the sluggishness worse). Or just making it clear that you can't go on like this indefinitely. If you've been reaching out a hand by offering to talk about it and help with exercise and seeing a doctor or buying supplements or giving massage or buy a light treatment lamp or any of the things that have been shown to help alleviate depression, your depressed partner needs to accept your help. If he won't, then I don't know what the answer is. You're going to have to think seriously about how you can live.

Please be clear that I'm not saying a depressed person should be able to find their way out of it mysteriously on their own (aka "Just snap out of it!"). But if a person is offered help and doesn't even consider it, that's a huge problem.

I know some of you have been going through this and have made some decisions recently. If you feel comfortable commenting, please do, and you can always comment anonymously. If anyone disagrees with me, please go ahead and post. If you agree with me and have your own depression story to share, please comment.

If anyone's feeling depressed right now, please call your doctor, and while you're waiting for the appointment do some exercise that works your core (pilates, T-Tapp, yoga), take some Omega 3s and B vitamins, talk to someone who loves you, and go outside for a few minutes. You can get out of this, and people will help you.

Reminder about More Moxie

It's starting next Wednesday, and I'm hoping to send out the message board passwords on Monday. So hop in now. All the info here. Click to join: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=6052452

Discussion: Explaining stuff to your children

Whoa. Yesterday was one of the weirdest days in one of the strangest weeks in a long time. I've found it to be exhausting, and part of that was dealing with personal sadness (I have several friends who have lost or are in the process of losing loved ones this week). But a big part of it was figuring out how to explain to my kids what was going on.

I had a good conversation with my 4-year-old about the DC Metro crash a few days ago. He had a ton of questions, some of which I couldn't answer. Then last night the 7-year-old and I spent a lot of time talking about comas and plastic surgery and why adults shouldn't touch some of your body parts.

I know you all must have been having these same conversations. So I'm hoping we can open up a discussion about how you decide how open to be and how to approach talking to your kids about things. I know someone who didn't want her children to hear about the netro crash because she thought they were too young to understand, and that's a valid point of view. I feel like my kids are going to hear things, so I'd rather they hear the facts from me and have the chance to ask questions, which is also a valid POV.

So my question to you is; How do you approach talking to your kids about current events? What are the advantages and disadvantages of your approach? Don't forget to mention how old your children are, please.

Read-and-Learn-Math List

Another awesome free download from DreamBox Learning (go start your free trial ASAP, before the June deal runs out!):

The DreamBox Read-and-Learn-Math List

Picture books that are all about math!

Cat found!

But I had to roll around under my neighbor's dusty bed for 20 minutes and got scratched within an inch of my life. The details of what happened are like a Noel Coward play, and I can't manage it in my current state.

My cat ran away

Alex Rodriguez, the god cat, ran away last night, and I think he's too freaked out and scared to find his way back.

I'm going to have to regroup a little before I can post anything later today.

Talk about what you'd like to in the comments. Your pets, mystery trips to Argentina, etc.