Time passages

HEADS UP. Time change coming for North America this Sunday morning, March 10. We are going FROM Standard Time TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME (which is my boo). We are springing forward so the current 7 pm will be the new 8 pm. Here's the plan if you want to be proactive:

Starting Monday OR Tuesday night, put your kids to bed 10 minutes earlier each night. So if you start Monday, if they normally go to bed at 8:00, put them to bed at 7:50. Then the next night at 7:40, then 7:30, etc.

If you start Monday, on Saturday night you'll put them to bed at 7:00, and then the next day that 7:00 will have become 8:00 and you'll be back on schedule. If you start Tuesday, on Saturday night you'll put them to bed at 7:10 and then on Sunday put them to bed at 8:00.

The mornings will still be screwed up. See if you can work in a way to get a nap for yourself on Sunday afternoon and Monday afternoon or evening. By the Thursday after the time change we should all be fine.

In other news: I became a mother 11 years ago yesterday. It has been a hell of a ride. If I could tell myself anything on my first day of motherhood it would be this: "Hang on to your friends and accept the new friends who come, gratefully, because motherhood can gaslight you and you need help to come through it whole."

What would you tell yourself on your first day as a mother if you could?

Comments

[Elle]

Even though the first 12 months will be SO HARD (with so little sleep), don't despair! It will pass, it is not a sign that this was a big mistake--you will love being a parent and your daughter will bring you so much joy.

[Samantha]

I would tell myself, in all caps: IT WILL ALL BE OKAY. REALLY.

[Karen]

My best advice for a new mom is that they embrace the truth, right from day 1, that a mother's role is nurture and love, not to control. So much of the advice for new moms is about controlling baby's schedule, and it sets the mom up for a huge disappointment when they have to come to terms eventually with the lack of control we all have over our unique, independent and constantly changing children.

[My Kids Mom]

Everything, I mean EVERYTHING will change. And that is ok.

and

Try to relax. You're forgetting what that means.

[Katie]

I've only been a parent for 354 days. But, if I could go back to myself, sitting in that hospital room, I'd say:
-You'll hit your stride and become more confident. (Then she'll hit a developmental spurt or something else will change, but each time you'll adjust and it'll be fine.)
-Your stomach is going to look like shit for a long time, maybe forever. Get used to it.
-Don't look in the mirror when you go to take that first shower. (See above.)
-They aren't kidding when they say it goes by *so* fast.

[Katie]

@Karen - Brilliant, and beautifully said.

[J]

+1 @Karen. That is mega.

[Laura]

My advice to my new-mom self: TRUST YOUR GUT. There *is* something wrong with your baby screaming nonstop; it is *not* just a "personality thing" and you *should* keep asking for help until you get it.

[Jody]

My kids were in the NICU and I would have told myself two contradictory things: ease up on yourself because you are doing fine, and don't let anyone push you around. Hmmm, maybe those are not as contradictory as I thought they were.

[Blanche]

Another NICU parent here - I'd tell myself to take a shower as soon as my husband brought clothes to change into (I hadn't gotten the hospital bag packed) & to not worry about LO's early arrival, that she was going to be just fine.

[Stacy]

I'd tell my self to not try to go "by the books" and instructions from nurses and offer the boob as a first resort, not a last resort. I'd also tell myself that work will work itself out and relax and spend as much time with your baby as you can. You are fortunate enough to have a job where you won't get fired or judged too harshly for putting your baby first.

[Natalie]

That tiny baby in your arms (and her little brother to come) will stretch, challenge, surprise and delight you more than anything else can. You are right where you are supposed to be.

[Lisa S.]

Time machine...

Cut yourself some fucking slack. YOU WILL NOT SCREW UP YOUR KIDS, HONEST.

That and for the love of God, LET other people who want to help actually help you.

[MrsHaley]

I would tell myself:

You think you know. HA. YOU DO NOT KNOW.

[Lisa F.]

OMG, I cannot even answer the question b/c I've got damn Al Stewart & Time Passages ear worming through my brain! Thanks a lot!

[Kerry]

With some kids there is no such thing as "drowsy but awake". This does not mean you are failing as a mother.

In fact, let me amend that to; you are doing the best you can. That is enough.

[MeInTX]

Ah, Kerry, so true! Mine is 13 months old right now, and I watch him go from playing peek-a-boo with his blanket, or asking what something is, to eyes shut...you're so right that there is no ''drowsy but awake'' for some kids!

I wish I could have told myself that even though you will try to take things in stride, there are some things you won't be able to fix..but it will be OK. And he will be OK. And you will, eventually, be where you want to be, as a mom - just soaking in all of the learning and the joy and the fun.

[ItGetsBetter]

Let yourself cry in front of others. There is no shame in showing that you're having a rough time.

[Heather]

I would tell (and do tell) new moms that if the baby is crying, she's probably hungry. Even if you fed her 10 minutes ago, she's probably hungry again. Even if you fed her 3 times in the last 3 hours, she's probably hungry again. Try feeding her first, then go to gas, diaper, and sleepiness as the cause.
And you will lose friends over the next year, maybe a good one, but you will never lose the ones that matter in the long run.

[Liz]

Thanks for the heads up about the time change. I had no idea! I am totally living under a rock. I moved bedtime 10 min tonight and hope that by the end of the week it will be great. You would think that by now I would know the answer to my next question, having 3 kids and all but I forget...is there any way to help the baby adjust? Or just let it ride and hope for the best?

Advice: Ask for help. You can't do it alone, especially when the baby won't sleep and you are a cross eyed zombie. Only took me 2 kids to learn that one. With #3 it is much better in that respect. :)

[marci]

i'd tell me - he's going to live.

the not knowing was so awful. how can you plan when you don't know if you're planning a nursery or a memorial service? and i was there for *months*.

[wonk]

Even though EVERYTHING feels chaotic and unfamiliar and like you are on another planet right now, things are going to settle down in many ways. Also, you are still you. Don't worry. Soon you will be able to breathe and relax and you will enjoy your child and have amazing moments with them. But you will also be able to do things again like go to the gym or go out for coffee with a friend or go to a movie! Really!
And also, what Moxie says: you are the best parent for your child. Your gut instinct is wise. Practice listening to it. This skill is an amazing life lesson!

[Celeste]

Things have a way of working out.

[Anon for this one]

First - specifics: breastfeeding this child is not going to work out how you've planned or how you expect. That's okay. Keep trying. It's not your fault and you're not a bad mother. Keep pushing for medical help and you'll get it.

Second - general: you can deal with it all. You will get through it and you will even choose to do it again. You're the best parent for this child and you will do an amazing job.

[Claudia]

I would tell myself that my husband is suffering from depression, and the quicker we get that sorted out, the better everything will be. I wish we'd clued in to that much much earlier.

[Claudia]

Oh, and the depression was long before the baby. Not related events.

[Rudyinparis]

I would tell myself:

You need to eat more and drink more water.

Boring, but true.

[laura]

I would tell myself 13.5 months ago, "You will need to ask for help, and sometimes, you will just need to TELL people you need help, not ask."

Also, that everyone really will love the baby and you, no matter what -- at least all the ones worth knowing.

[Lisa]

I'd tell myself:

You feel like your life has exploded. It has, and that's OK. It will continue to explode, very slowly, and you will find how strong you are. Being a parent will free you from the great weight you have been carrying around, that of caring what everyone else thinks. It will free you from needing to be physically comfortable, fashionable, presentable. It will force you to be OK with financial instability. It will change you as a partner and as a writer. It will expand your capability for love a hundredfold. It will be the best thing you have ever done. Trust yourself.

[Carole Loeffler]

I would say to myself - trust your abilities, trust your instincts and trust you will do what is right for your family. Don't look externally for answers- look inward.

[Sine]

I'd say, toddler stage is actually rougher than newborn stage so get ready. (I'm sure puberty and up is even worse but I'm not there yet.)

[Sky]

Two things: Ignore the idiot who told you to breastfeed on only one boob per feed. You have two boobs for a reason, so use both of them, because under supply and mastitis are no fun.

Secondly, keep going to those breastfeeding support group meetings. You are going to meet a group of 9 amazing women who will become great friends and a fantastic support network. You will still meet regularly 5 years later and have great fun together.

[-k-]

First and foremost: There is no such thing as one-size-fits-all advice, no matter how forcefully worded. No books have been written about you or your particular baby, nobody has lived in your body or mind or parented your child, and nobody knows more intimately than you do what the two of you need. This applies to feeding, sleep, work, coparenting arrangements, you name it. Seek outside input when in doubt, and be willing to listen to others' experiences, but do so without assuming that the same must apply to your situation.

Second: The answer to the question "Is this normal?" is almost always "Yes." When it isn't, on some level you'll probably know.

[Anon for this]

Let husband help you! That was huge for me, still a struggle sometimes. Trusting my hub to do the right thing. Trusting him to be able to take care of our son. If I had just been able to do that (and trusted myself as well) then I think I would have gotten more rest and been a better parent.

[Teacher girl]

Don't read baby wise. Listen to the baby, not the Internet or your neighbor or your mother in law. Believe you know her language (and her little sister's ) better than anyone else. You will never shower as much as you used to again (at least not thus far, 2 years out). You CAN do everything that is important.

Ask for help. Take the help. Be the help for someone else.

you really are good at this. (this, I wish I believed even now.)

[Elizabeth]

It's ok, it will be ok. Ask for the privacy and time with the baby you need. Don't worry about the naps; they will be what they will be. Don't worry about the future so much in year 1; the anxiety is too corrosive. You will find yourself again.

[Kathy_B]

The best advice I got was: Remember, the baby doesn't know anymore about how to be a baby than you do about how to be its mother. Necessities are to be: fed, safe and warm. Everything else you will figure out together.