Report in from Krissy about having a third baby

Remember Krissy, who was on the fence about having a third baby after her friend put the baby bug in her ear? Well, she reported in the other day:

"So the update is that I found out on January 14 that I am, indeed, pregnant.  Still hadn't "decided", was still on the fence, and yet pregnant (which is what happens when you are careless; sometimes not making a choice is actually making a choice).  I felt two things when I found out: relief that the indecision is OVER and terror about what I've allowed to happen. I have no idea how I'm going to make this work; I don't even know why I wanted to try in the first place, honestly.  When I look past the baby/toddler-hood phase I can get excited about the person that will be a part of us forever.  But I have to admit that I'm having a hard time looking past the looming baby/toddler years.  I went back and read the entire thread and am grateful for the warmth and supportive feedback.  If you don't feel like people are tired of this subject I'd love to hear feedback now that the train has left the station.  Though the indecision is over, I'm pretty scared, and honestly, feeling pretty alone.  While my husband and I have always been able to tell each other anything, I'm having such a hard time talking about this with him, because deep down I know he has the same fears/concerns, and deeper down, I know he did this b/c it was what *I* wanted.   
 
Either way, I am so grateful for the wonderful community that you have created, and the wonderful, smart women (and men?) that have gathered here to share."

So!

*I* think it's great, but that's because it's not me. (And because if I had a third baby now my older two would be 11 and 8, and that's a huge difference from two little kids and a baby.)

Now that the deed is done, what do you have for Krissy? And how can she be honest about being scared with her husband, when she feels like she doesn't have the right to be scared?

Comments

[MemeGRL]

Krissy, congratulations! Disclosure: we only have two kids BUT we are the only ones in our social circle without three or more. And every family respects that decision but says to us with unanimity: the change from one to two is the hardest; the third is barely a bump in the road (in a good way). I am very excited for you and wish you the very best!

[Leah]

An oops 3rd baby for us was awful for the first 2 years but is now fun and chaotic and joyful. I still wish we could do things like travel less expensively but you'll all have tons of fun together.

[Abigail Carlton]

I have a third and it's way easier (for me) than the earlier two. I just know more about having a baby, and taking care of one, and I'm adjusted to stuff, etc. Also, I'm a tad deaffer so the crying didn't get to me as much. And the older two kids helped a lot. #3 got lots of attention from them, so I could abandon him to their care and go make dinner, etc. And I didn't worry so much or try so hard. And at 4, he's still happy, going strong, etc.

[jen]

Congrats!

We had this issue going from one to two. I have felt like it's my decision and am totally freaking out about the extra costs and lack of sleep and how it will change things for my nearly 5 year old. I know in the long run it will be totally fine but I have wondered several times why I wanted another one so badly (and I bawled several times about not having another one, when it looked like we were sticking with one). I'm 34 weeks right now and I've kept these thoughts to myself...whether that's right or wrong I have no idea but I didn't want to freak my husband out more when he genuinely seems excited and happy for the second. I partially think it's just pregnancy hormones too.

[Shalini]

That was us... just back in April of 2011!

It is a little bit more chaotic, but it's fun too. My best advice is just to take it a day at a time. We knew #3 was the last one for us. So if that's the same for you, enjoy every single second.

They're so little for such a little time... and yes the looming infant/toddler years seem to stretch out into forever, but time has a way of carrying on and whether we want them to, or whether or not they want to, they all will grow up!

Best of everything! So excited for you! You will be happy, if not RIGHT now, eventually! :) Hang in there!

[juliag]

That's us a year ago. Ack. It was totally freaked. Husband only did it for me. And then I really, really regretted it. She's 5.5 months old now and such a sweetie. The pregnancy was so hard and I was SO daunted, but it's true that the third is not such a transition compared to the first two. Here's to a happy, healthy babe!!

[Shannon Royal Oak, MI]

Congratulations! Look at this from a glass half full perspective. (Yes, there will be some difficult times and sleep-deprived days/nights.) Think about all if the wonderful moments that are to come. First time holding baby, watching the older 2 hold baby for the first time, snuggles on the couch, baby kisses, chunky baby legs, baby belly laughs, first steps, and all of the great things your older two will help teach and encourage baby. This time, things will go faster, but I think you just might appreciate those special moments even more now that you know that this is the last time. Let your friends and family and the great things to come hold you up during the trying times and know that this too shall pass (whether it is good or bad).

[Nancy Kirk]

Taking on a new baby is a challenge, so why shouldn't you and your husband be scared? I'm glad you have this forum to talk to, and hope he has one as well. If you're not alone in this world, there's a lot you can do. I wish you the very best of luck and hope the fears dissipate pretty quickly.

[Dawn]

I decided by not deciding as well, after taking five years to get over the shell shock of twins. That was my first marriage and now in my second, I knew it was important to him even if he wouldn't say it directly. So I found myself 39 years old with a third pregnancy that I was excited about but also terrified by and uncertain about and with no one to say that to. I loved my first pregnancy because I was treated like a queen. This time though with two other kids to care for... I never got a break. That said, they hugged my belly and sang to the baby in there, talk about an amazing joy. The first few months after the birth were tough with the older kids but the baby was easy. I'd done this before, knew what to expect. All the big emotions of five- almost-six year olds was totally another story. My husband has been amazing in helping and five months into it I'm really happy. I had post party's with the twins so this time I get to really enjoy this baby phase and I'm glad to have this second chance. I hear you Krissy and I'll be thinking of you and sending peace.

[A.M.]

Congrats!

Our oops 3rd baby is the most trouble at almost a year old, but sweet. Three kids is, make no mistake, a lot harder than 2, but my eldest is so great with the baby, I feel like one day, life will get a little easier. (Perhaps I can get more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep and kick this lack-of-sleep headache I have every day.)

[Ro]

Yay congrats!!!
You're always going to have those fears, no matter how planned the baby was. I had them with #2 and he was so totally planned. But it's happening and there's no guilt in being happy about it. Whatever you may know deep down I think you need to talk to your husband. If you've always been able to talk to him then not doing it now is going to stress you more. Don't second guess what he's going to say/think. If he REALLY didn't want to then he wouldn't have been as careless would he? Or do you have a friend or family member you can confide in instead? Just letting those fears out may help clear your head and let you relax :)
So CONGRATULATIONS. And yes, when you're feeling like a vent we're always here.
xxx

[joann in NJ]

Congrats! You're right about decisions :) BTW, I am the oldest of three kids and you have made a good decision for them. Sometimes only 2 sibs fight more and the 3rd will be a buffer. I am super close to both my sibs (one boy and one girl -in fact my brother and his wife are traveling from Maine and staying with us before going on a cruise from NJ port and we are headed up to our Sister's house for a birthday party on Sat - all of us are excited because it's the first time we've seen each other without our Mom's illness/deah looming over us in over 4 years.)

I think siblings are fabulous. Ironically, I adopted our daughter and couldn't give her a sibling (DH was dead set against more than one child) so I am sad that she won't get to experience the love and support that I have always had. When you get overwhelmed, think long term - you've done this for your family - not yourself!
Hugs - are you thinking blue or pink?

[Laura]

We made our "oops" third this fall. I was completely freaked the whole first trimester, while my husband was completely overjoyed (and hiding it a lot so he wouldn't make me feel bad - lol).

I felt SO guilty because I did not connect with this pregnancy/fetus like I did with my daughters' pregnancies, and I was super stressed, tired, and yelling a LOT.

Then we had the 20-week ultrasound a month ago and found out we're having a boy (Hurray! No more estrogen in my house, please!) and I felt such a release from all the guilt. Of COURSE it felt different - it's a totally different creature in there, nothing like me! I'm having to create hormones that don't jive well with my body, etc. etc.

Anyway, the dissonance lasted until then. Now I'm able to connect in different ways (although I still am not at ease in this pregnancy - I really just feel like the Host!).

I, too, get totally daunted by the thought of yet 2-3 more years of sleep deprivation and nursing, and constantly being touched...

But all hard work is daunting when you look at it from that perspective. If you just do it one day, one task, at a time, it is far more manageable.

Plus, if you stop thinking of the baby as "All. That. Work." and recall that it's this amazing person who has been sent to complete your family in ways you can't even fathom right now, you're going to have a lot more peace about it. At least, that's what I do. :)

It's a rare person who really truly REGRETS having more children. There is a distinction between wishing away the hard parts of it, and wishing away the child himself! Remember that distinction, and you will feel a lot better.

[Kathleen]

What my sister (mother of 4) said to me about kids: After you have two, you might as well have a whole bunch more. The difference from one child to two is huge, after that, not so big a step.

In any case, I had those huge fears with every pregnancy. (I miscarried several times.) I think it comes with the territory. And you know once the baby comes you will be so busy and in love with your baby, these fears will all fade.

[Celeste]

It's okay to feel two things at once. We get this idea that we can only feel one thing, but it's more complicated than that.

Mostly I think that you've solved every problem you've ever had before, so why should this be any different? You have mad skills by now.

FWIW I don't know anyone who regrets Third Baby, even the ones whose middle name is Oops.

I think you should give yourself permission to enjoy doing this for the last time. There's a lot that is nice about it all, and I don't think you need to rake yourself over the coals for "not deciding", "being careless", or worrying that your husband isn't happy about it. He did say he'd do it if you wanted to, so maybe the best thing is to thank him for saying that. Is there any chance you two can take some time together somewhere alone before Third Baby? I adore the practice, but not the name people give it now, "babymoon". Just some time to be glad together that you have each other.

[Jennifer]

Share your feelings and fears with your husband one night after the kids are asleep, and give him the opportunity to be supportive. Be really transparent about it: " I'm talking to you about this because it's really important to me that you are super-supportive right now". Most guys love being helpful, and building trust in your relationship is also a plus.

[Ingrid Echard]

I love my third baby. Sha was definitely welcomed. I had two boys and was shocked and terrified to find out that she was a girl. I had a four and three year old when she was born, barely three and barely four. She was planned and I was happy, but I think everything you are feeling is totally normal. Adding a baby is stressful on everyone. I think it may help you to discuss with your husband, because there is nothing wrong with being scared to add another child and upset the status quo. What happened for us was that #3 fit in our family like a charm, she really is the tie that binds us. It was like she always had her spot in our family. Then oopsie baby came along making him #4 and he is now a year and things are wonderful, but always scary. I have four kids, just 7, 5, 2 and 1 and I think regardless of how scary that seems at times, it always works out in the end

[Christy]

It's completely okay to be having these feelings. I very much wanted all three of my kids but still went through major "WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!" periods after getting pregnant. Every family dynamic is different but for us going from 0-1 was exhilarating, everything was so new and exciting; going from 1-2 was terrible for us, I could not figure out how to not feel guilty about splitting my time and my second born was a ball of screams for the first 8 months; And going from 2-3? Honestly I feel a little guilty about it being so easy. Granted the older two are 5 and 7 and adore having a baby {3 months} in the house and said baby is a very happy little guy which makes things easier but honestly three, though not without its challenges {schedules!! so many activities to work baby around, and I imagine this will get harder when we have a mobile toddler} has been a very awesome dynamic for our family and we are incredibly happy. Congratulations and good luck to your family!

[Katherine]

We have 3 who are now 6, 4 and 2. We planned the third but there were definitely times during my third pregnancy that I was panicked by what we had set in motions. We wouldn't change anything now. Going from 2 kids to 3 is MUCH less of an adjustment than going from 1 to 2. And 3rd babies seem to be very easy going. We're now in the same dilemma you were in about whether to have a 4th and final baby or stick with 3. No idea how to make that decision.

[Tine]

No personal experience to share, but I want to tell Krissy:

Congratulations!

...and...

Eeeek!

I totally get why you're freaking out, even though you wanted this. No matter what your starting point is, having a baby is always a big deal. I think it's normal to feel trepidation no matter what.

Also, I think communicating with your spouse -- even though you are nervous about it -- can only be a good thing. You're in this together!

[Jen]

Whoa, amazing timing. I am in a similar situation only with baby #2. After years of discussion, my husband and I had very mutually decided about 3 months ago to try for another. Because of a series of situations, we weren't able to start trying once we had decided. We did finally try last month and it didn't happen. This month we really didn't "try"--we had sex once but it was WAY early and were intending to try closer to the right time but life got in the way. We both assumed there was little chance I could be pregnant, and this led to a huge fight. I felt like he had sabotaged our chances for the month, and he said he was having second thoughts. It ended with him saying he wanted to take a break from trying and think seriously about whether we should have a second. I was mad at first, but I started thinking maybe he was right and maybe we should just be a 1 kid family. Then I was at the doctor's yesterday with an ear infection, and when asked if there was any chance I could be pregnant I said "Well, on paper maybe but it's pretty unlikely." They decided to give me a test anyway, and sure enough I'm pregnant!

Now I'm totally, completely terrified. I had started to mentally shift away from having another and now I'm forced back the other direction. My husband says he's happy, but I'm worried he's not really, and I don't want him to resent me later. I tried to talk about it last night but our 3 year old was being really needy so it didn't happen. I too am feeling pretty alone. I feel like my friends don't really understand my issue either. My one great friend had trouble conceiving, and when I did call her yesterday (because I had to talk to someone!), she seemed annoyed that I wasn't more grateful it happened so easily. I feel silly and scared and stupid and uncertain.

Gah, sorry I didn't mean to hijack the thread with my long story. I just wanted offer some sympathy and commiseration!

[hedra]

Definitely don't stop talking with your husband. Let him know that you're conflicted, and it's frustrating and scary and you're worried that you'll have messed things up and he'll be upset because it was really on your agenda in the first place... or whatever complicated mess it is. TALK, please. I mangled my marriage by not talking *because* we weren't on the same page, and that was way worse than talking *while* not being on the same page.
I doubt the damage from that will ever completely go away, though we have a great marriage in so many ways. Don't let this ding your marriage.

For us, third was planned, chosen, and ended up twins. Even before knowing it was twins, the feeling veered between happy and OHMYGOD WHATHAVEWEDONE!?! Adding in that I'd had a bunch of losses in between kids, and I was a wreck pretty regularly.

First couple of years were hard, but I can't filter what was twins with colic and other issues vs. third go around. Siblings issues you already have some grip on, so you're ahead there, though they'll differ this time (I recommend Siblings Without Rivalry). You'll know that you know how to figure it out, even if you also know that you don't know who this child will be and what will need figuring. That's also a relief, or was for me.

We never got the three-kids dynamics, since we went from two to four, but boy, we've got dynamics! It's never the same in any 20 minute block. Just wait 20 minutes and it's all different. It is chaotic, but it is a merry chaos most of the time. I do know people have regretted if they have found they've gone past their max skills, or regretted what choices have to be put aside for financial or other reasons. Sometimes the payoff is later.

One thing you'll have: Being able to be truly and fully glad that you are done having kids. Being able to close that, mourn it, and move forward. I've watched peers hold onto that 'but what if maybe one more...' until menopause, and then mourn it then. Which is also fine, but I personally like knowing I'm D.O.N.E. done. I can look at little babies and go 'awww' and no little hunger appears... though after 10 years of nursing or pregnancy in series I still will get engorged a day after I've held a baby. Oy.

Congratulations, and all the best for the first years and after. Take a deep breath and carry on!

[Melissa]

We were on the fence about baby #2. I think my husband was happy with #1, and was concerned about my health, since I had hyperemisis (severe morning sickness) the entire nine months of my first pregnancy. It didn't help that #1 was a terrible sleeper and didn't sleep through the night consistently until he was almost 3. Finally we decided not to make a decision and to not try, not prevent. When I got the positive pregnancy test, I cried. What did I get myself into? But now, whenever I look at my 4 month old, I cannot imagine life without him. Sure, it's hard when I have to get up in the middle of the night, or when he fights taking a nap, but I know it goes by so quickly and he was meant to be in our family. And my husband and #1 feel the same way. I have a feeling it will be the same for you and your family.

[Rudyinparis]

I love what @Laura said: "It's a rare person who really truly REGRETS having more children. There is a distinction between wishing away the hard parts of it, and wishing away the child himself! Remember that distinction, and you will feel a lot better." And as others point out, you're totally responding in an normal way to be feeling a crazy jumble of emotions. I think it was @Celeste who pointed out that we feel all sorts of contradictory feelings at one time, and that's okay. I love that concept, for me it's very freeing.

I've been struck lately by how quickly life can pick us up and toss us around. That's part of the deal; no one said it would be any different (or, if they did, I'm not sure they knew what they were talking about.) I have just two, but I love the descriptions here that use the words "chaos" and "joy" to describe having 3. That sounds kind of lovely to me.

I think, too, your husband will be relieved to hear your concerns. It sounds like it's something you both share, perhaps it will bring you closer together--I can't imagine he would actively resent you for it. Insert "takes two to tango" reference here.

Congratulations Krissy, I'm excited for you!

[Erin]

It seems to me that one of the great joys of having older children is the knowledge that the hard stages all pass - the sleeplessness, the diapers, 2.5, etc. My kids are getting so big I can barely remember the difficulties of the first years. So even if you struggle through your new baby's baby/toddler years, there's some part of you that knows it won't last, that you'll move onto to something better (unlike only having one child, where it feels like every stage is eternal).

I agree with @Rudyinparis, and another thing is if you express your anxieties to your husband, it might make him feel like he can express his too. It might be a relief for him, to know you are in the anxiety together.

[rebecca]

The baby/toddler years go so fast. Mine practically flew by with baby #2. They feel like forever but they are a blip in the grand scheme of things. You will do the best you can and it will be fine.

[claire]

i went through the what have I done fear with both pregnancies (one planned and one oops) so I think it is totally normal to feel that.... and just breath, accept how you are feeling mixed emotions and all.

[Jessica S.]

My third was planned and is now 17 months, and, yes, going through the baby/toddler stuff kind of sucks, but in a lot of ways, I think I'm enjoying my third more than I enjoyed the first two. (My other two are now 6 and 4, for reference.) I think part of it is knowing that "this, too, shall pass," and part of it is "been there, done that," and part of it is the enjoyment of seeing how different each kid is, and yet how alike. I agree with most people who say adding a third is WAY easier than adding the first or the second. The adjustment isn't as huge. And, as other commenters have said, the older ones help out! My six-year-old is AMAZING with the baby, helps out, plays with him, gets him snacks, operates the TV. (Now, if I could get him to change diapers...hahahahaha.)

Anyway, I totally felt like you did, like, WAIT, WHAT AM I DOING? when we decided to do it, but I have no regrets.

[irmavep]

Nothing new to add -- I too was on the fence forever about a third, got pregnant quickly at 41, had a miscarriage which made me feel both extremely relieved and extremely disappointed-- other that a plea to write to Moxie once more after the birth and early days, to let those of us in a similar boat know how everything played out, in your head, heart, and family! Thank you.

[hush]

Krissy the OP has every right to be ambivalent about her choice -- and BTW, it's also ok to feel afraid to take real ownership and to be scared to really acknowledge "Yes, I actively chose to get pregnant here! Woot!!" ... as opposed to the more passive "oops" rhetoric that might feel more comfy when we're ambivalent. She has every right to be both TERRIFIED and OVERJOYED at the same time.

"I'm having such a hard time talking about this with him, because deep down I know he has the same fears/concerns, and deeper down, I know he did this b/c it was what *I* wanted."

Go read @hedra's excellent comment again. TALK, please. Talk, talk, then talk it out some more. With a couples counselor if need be.

It's ok to get what YOU want in your marriage. The best marriages IMHO involve some give and some take. I get that it's hard having been raised in such a patriarchal society for women to ask for what we want and when we do get it, to then be able to accept it into our lives without any feelings of guilt, and/or of feeling like now you 'owe him one' so to speak, and/or of feeling like the mental load of this baby is more yours to bear than his. The truth is, he also made this choice with you. This is why you need to talk with him and begin to sort these deep feelings out now, before you're in that crazy/newborn at home/no sleep mode and can't really form two sentences without sniping at him (well that's what I did anyway - um, not recommended.) Good luck!

[Cloud]

I only have two, so I don't really have any personal experience/advice. Just congratulations! And one idea that came to me: could you spend some time trying to identify what, exactly, it is about the baby/toddler years that you're fearing going through again, and then problem solve around that? For me, I think it would be loss of personal space and time to do my own non-work, non-kid-related things, which I feel is finally coming back now that my youngest is 3. If it is something similar for you, maybe you can discuss with your husband and figure out a way to keep a little of the space you've found as your other kids got older. Or maybe it is something completely different for you- but whatever it is, maybe you can find a way to alleviate it.

[Awesomemom]

Every time I got pregnant I felt the joy terror combo. I wondered how I could love the new baby as much as I loved the children I already have. I got over it when I got to hold the new baby for the first time. Things may be tough but you can do this!!! I know the baby toddler years are hard but they will also have an end.

[Anonymous]

Congrats! I hate to say this, but I disagree with many of the others posts about how easy it is to add a third. My very planned #3 is 9 months old and a sweet, easy child. Still it was a big adjustment for our family, as was going from 0-1. 1-2 was easy peasy.

Here's the thing, we both were overjoyed to be pregnant with #1, and neither of us thought it would be hard. Then we brought a newborn home and got schooled in no-sleep, own personality etc. So we were nervous about 2 and everything seemed easy. After the dream-like ease of #2, we were sure we'd have no problem with 3. We were experienced after all. Wham, it's hard again. All that to say, I think being nervous before hand preps you for how hard it is, and then it doesn't seem so bad when you get there. When you don't acknowledge the scary stress stuff ahead of time, you get hit with it all after the baby has arrived.

[JMom]

I gave birth to my third at 45 years old. I can honestly say that the first 2 years were brutal. I just did what needed doing and plodded forward for 2 years. Now he is 6. This child is nothing but a joy, a wonderful, dear, lovely, little guy. He brings goodness and love into this house and this family. Yes, it might be tremendously hard for awhile but I expect the reward will be equally tremendous.

[Erin Smyser]

Add me to the three is harder than one or two boat! My youngest is the worst sleeper of the group, the most active and the most prolific pooper! But it's totally doable. You CAN do it. I agree with previous poster that it's probably best to plan for the worst so that you can say it's not as bad as you thought it would be- worked for me. And when things get crazy, and they will, try and keep a sense of humor! My LO is 2 and he is such a great addition to our family. And now I'm DONE and that peace of mind is priceless!

[Kristin]

No personal experience with 3 (or 2, for that matter), but I wanted to weigh in on the "feels like she has no right to be scared."

Of course she does. You can want something and still be scared about whether you can manage it, about what it will mean for everybody, about the sheer unknown of it all.

You can want something even if you worry about some aspects of it: having a bigger family will bring joys uncountable. It will also bring the difficult baby/toddler phases. It's OK to want the big picture and still be nervous (even a little reluctant) about the challenges you'll face.

All big changes bring some element of fear. Even the good ones. She's entitled to feel what she feels.

Talking to her husband would probably help alleviate a lot of that, in the end -- but it's also like those things that are hard at the beginning, then have a good payoff. ;-)

Best wishes to Krissy and family.

[Anon]

It's totally socially forbidden to ever say you regret having your kid, so obviously that's why it's so "rare" to actually hear anyone say this out loud. So I'll say it: I regret having my third child. It was a totally unexpected oops pregnancy (failed birth control), and I didn't know I was pregnant until I was about 5 months along. My husband and I are now separated and on top of that, I pee my pants every time I cough, and I still have pain down there.

Most people who have kids say that they’re overwhelmingly glad they did, and they wouldn’t change a thing — and since of course it’s impossible to accurately assess your own personal happiness against your potential personal happiness had you chosen another course, that’s probably true for most of them. The current peer-reviewed research on this topic says having children doesn't make us happier, and that having children actually increases martial dissatisfaction. My life now pretty much illustrates that perfectly.

[Liz]

I found out I was pregnant with baby #3 in October 2011. We had just moved across the country in July 2011 and had decided to wait for baby #3. I had already mentally accepted that I would be moving past the baby stage for the time being (my other two were 3.5 yrs and 1.5 yrs at the time) and then it just kind of happened. It was a total surprise and to be honest, I was petrified. I lived in a fog for 6 weeks, slowly coming to accept that we were having another baby. Money concerns, our temporary rental not being a good fit for a baby, and basically having just totally upended our lives...it was a lot to take in. My husband was ecstatic; I was the one who had to slowly come around.

Now our baby is 7 months and it is just the best thing ever. I am in the camp of finding the transition from 1-2 harder than adding the third. My older two ADORE the baby and he just loves to watch them run circles around him. We all can't get enough of him and he just laps up the attention. We are lucky that he is an incredibly easygoing and sweet baby. Overall, it has been an easy change although the summer is kind of a blur. I feel as though I am now finally getting my footing and am not terrified to be alone with all three. I know I can handle it.

You will be great! It will be great. Congratulations!

[Krissy]

Wow, you guys do not disappoint! Thank you so much. Had first ultrasound on Friday and confirmed there is just ONE baby (whew) which makes me feel a little better. I wonder, too, if letting the cat out of the bag at work will help -- right now I'm in weird in-between. What I've heard loud and clear is that I need to be honest with my husband, which I will do tonight. I also must keep in mind "this too shall pass". I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's support here. Thank you, thank you. -- Krissy (OP)

[Aimee]

@Anon- I'm so sorry you feel that way about your third. I hopeyou have emotional support from family, friends and/or a counselor. please try to look more into the positive side of things and know that it will get better. thinking of you...

@ Krissy- congratulations!!

[Nicole]

We also decided on a third by deciding not to decide...he has been such a delight. I want to echo the earlier poster(s) that the dealing-with-a-newborn parts are SO EASY and it's all the other stuff (dealing with two older sibs!) that's harder. But I think it all also depends so much on the kids' personalities. Our kids have gotten mellower and mellower (thank goodness: first one was a doozy: but that's mostly in retrospect. Until her younger sister and her brother came along, we didn't know she was, um, demanding.) Anyway: guess all I can say is that we're so happy we opted for this, and a lot of the first couple of years was much easier than what we remembered from the others--whether because of personality or because of the demands of older-kid drama, hard to say...

[hedra]

@Anon, bingo on the 'not okay socially to say you regret it'.

Not sure if you may have missed my oft repeated stories of my mom, and her regrets/non-regrets pattern. When we were little, she didn't regret having so many of us, but would not have done it over if she had a chance (slightly different items there); when we were teens she REGRETTED IT and would never have done it again if she had a chance, and when we all hit adulthood, she didn't regret it at all and would do every second of it again, including having her eldest child die in her arms when he was three.

Regrets can change - for any of us. We can say at one point 'no regrets, so glad!' and another 'holy hell batman, this was such a stupid idea, and I'm so sorry I went here' and then another time go 'wow parts of that sucked, but I'm actually okay with where we ended up', and have it switch even daily.

I have days where I do go 'wow this would have been easier if we had two', but for me I hold regret assessment in abeyance until they're all grown. THEN I'll decide if I regret it. My mom burned through four marriages with a lot of that being 'having had too many kids for skills' (total seven, plus one informally adopted as a teen, so eight). So knowing that she had her assessment change through her life makes me less willing to assess for value now, because it doesn't help me any, either way. (and my way isn't the only way, just trying to express, not advise)

I did want to update that the research on 'happiness with kids' has been revised with further studies - happiness levels when kids are still little is lower and stress on marriage/repationship is higher. But it changes with age of kids, and satisfaction levels go up for those who had kids as the kids become more self-sufficient. The effort/work part goes down, and the payoff is more visible over time. Just like studies of yelling in the household show that parents yell more when kids are little. (surprise!) Stresses are higher, effort is higher, payoff is lower... Which isn't to say that one person won't regret a choice to have another child their whole life - they may - but on average, the regrets recede as the burn-out recedes.

AND, back to your situation, stats apply to groups, not individuals, and every individual gets their own anecdotal evidence. Yours is valid. I hope just for joy in life that your experience changes so the benefits outweigh the regrets to where you'd do it again anyway and have minimum if any regrets long term, but if not, I'm at least glad you are honest and willing to share (against a lot of cultural pressure not to, even here where we're honest a lot). It sounds like you're on board with your life whatever it brings and aren't letting regrets stop you, which is honorable and courageous and worthy.

[Roar Sweetly]

Congratulations. I got the sense from reading the previous entry that Krissy really did want another bub, so this doesn't suprise me. Though I'm sticking with two!

[Meg]

So. Our third was a surprise and I can say three things. 1. He was the easiest, by far. Still is, actually. Maybe because I've got two older ones to help or maybe because with the third I had finally figured out how to calm the hell down and enjoy it. 2. I appreciated every stage way more because I knew he was the last one. It still wasn't a party to get up in the middle of the night but I knew that this would be one of the last times to snuggle with a baby in the dark and I knew that this stage wouldn't last forever (which I guess I knew intellectually with the first but it sure seemed like it would...there were tears and wails of never sleeeeeping again!) 3. It changed the dynamic between our other two kids in a good way.