So thank you for all the suggestions. I'm feeling a little spoiled because so many of them are things I already do or have! I have tons of nice underwear (HIGHLY recommend Hanky Panky thongs), I cook new things all the time, I go out with friends all the time, I'm in training for a 10K in March (and a half marathon in October at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, if anyone's interested in running with us), I take barre class three times a week, I dance around at the grocery store in my living room all the time, one of my best friends is a Mary Kay Director so I have half a dozen perfect lipsticks, I goof off all the time, I eat whatever I want that keeps getting me to my goals, I read magazines all the time (I have an actual subscription to Lucky, for Pete's sake--talk about frivolous!). I guess I just stopped feeling guilty about things a few years ago. Which may be part of why I'm not so excited about 40--I don't feel like I inhibit myself much anyway, so it doesn't feel like any big moment to release inhibitions.
So I'm picking things I think will be fun just for fun, not because I think I should do them. I also decided I didn't have to decide on all 40 right now, since I'm sure fun things will come up as I go. So here's the list, which I'll fill in as I go:
January 17: Get a mani-pedi.
January 18: Buy something pretty just for the heck of it.
January 19: Have dinner with my college friends (on an island!).
January 20: Drink a pina colada with my college friends.
Janaury 21: Do a pilates class with my college friends.
January 22: Go to the beach with my college friends.
January 23: Buy myself flowers.
January 24: Take a long hot bath.
January 25: Have lunch with my best friend from business school.
January 26: Have a liquid lunch with my business school friends. (Don't tell our afternoon professors.)
Janaury 27: Lie around and watch soccer matches in my pajamas all day.
January 28: Go to a movie by myself.
January 29: Go get donuts for breakfast with the kids at the good donut place and buy donuts for the old guys who are at the donut place every morning.
January 30: Get a facial.
January 31:Write an actual letter to my grandmother (the one who's 97, not the one with Alzheimer's, since she'll still follow what I write).
February 1: Solo road trip (I love driving trips).
February 2: See the groundhog in Punxsatawney, PA, with a friend from when I was 20 who has come back into my life again like a whirlwind of fun.
February 3:
February 4:
February 5:
February 6:
February 7:
February 8:
February 9:
February 10:
February 11:
February 12:
February 13:
February 14:
February 15:
February 16:
February 17:
February 18:
February 19:
February 20:
February 21:
February 22:
February 23:
February 24:
February 25:
I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Punxsatawney! That sounds like a blast!
Posted by: rebecca | January 14, 2013 at 11:32 AM
Have you ever run barefoot in the snow? It costs nothing (assuming you have easy access to snow) and is exhilarating.
Posted by: janel | January 14, 2013 at 12:02 PM
janel, barefoot in the snow sounds like fun! Unfortunately, it went up to 60(!) here this weekend so all our snow is gone!
rebecca, I have tried to go to Punxsatawney before twice and both trips have been cancelled. I am RIDICULOUSLY excited about this trip.
Posted by: Moxie | January 14, 2013 at 01:51 PM
I love you and your blog, but this post makes you seem a lot less relatable.
Posted by: K. | January 14, 2013 at 02:04 PM
I never knew I wanted to go to Punxsatawney until I read that! Now it is on my list of things to do.
And if you hold a meetup in Cleveland for the RNR half marathon I might have to put that on my race calendar.
Good luck! All of these sound fun and completely reasonable.
Posted by: eep | January 14, 2013 at 02:33 PM
K, I wish more people could relate to this post because they were having more fun on a daily basis. It makes me sad to think that people are holding back or so in the weeds with little kids that they can't read a magazine or dance or exercise or see friends. I remember being there myself when my kids were little, but I wish everyone could just do more of what we like and less of what we're "supposed" to do.
Posted by: Moxie | January 14, 2013 at 02:53 PM
My daughter is in FT Kindergarten (i.e. not as time consuming as when she was younger!) but still I was envious reading your list of all the regular activities you fit in that aren't related to work or child-care or chores, per se. And I only work 3 days a week! (have 3.5 days of childcare) But the vast majority of my personal "fun" activities have to happen in 1 hour increments, maybe 1 a day?-- so I could either go to a Barre class 3x/week, or meet friends regularly, or cook new things, or-- but to have them all happening regularly in a week isn't realistic without sacrificing every evening with my daughter & husband. No financial or emotional obstacles to pursuing my personal activities, just logistical/scheduling obstacles (e.g., we live 30 minutes from friends/activities so I'm not dashing out to do those things on a weeknight after daughter is in bed). OK, and the emotional obstacle that they generally happen at the "expense" of time with DD or family time and I set limits around how much of that I'm comfortable with.
I do have secret envious feelings of divorced friends, only because they seem to have larger "chunks" of time, reliably, to pursue personal interests that seem logistically harder to fit chez moi. Maybe I'm missing some streamlining tricks, or maybe kindy is still too young, or maybe I do more than I realize...
Posted by: Elle | January 14, 2013 at 03:20 PM
I'm "in the trenches" with 5 and 3.5 year-olds, and a 3 month-old, and I confess to jealousy. Your list is tantalizing. I won't get that in a whole year, so I guess it at least gives me something to look forward to when my beloved babies are not so little anymore!
Posted by: Meg | January 14, 2013 at 03:24 PM
Cooking class? New hobby like knitting or something similar? Go to one of those places where everyone paints the same thing? Go to a live sporting event you've never been to? A TV show taping? Do an omakase (I think I spelled it right) where the sushi chef chooses for you? Trapeze class? Buy a fun accessory that will change your whole look?
I envy all the things you already do! Someday...
Posted by: Laura | January 14, 2013 at 03:35 PM
That's it. My kids are at their dad's house three nights a week, and they get themselves dressed and are mostly responsible for their own homework, and can feed themselves for breakfast and snacks. When I lived in NYC it was hard to go out because we'd moved to a neighborhood that was 60-90 minutes away from where all my friends lived. Now, realistically, I can put on shoes and go meet someone 5 minutes away for an hour. But because of the kids being gone those nights that also means that I'm up til 2 am working sometimes, or on calls with my team from school for our school projects, etc.
I think I spent a couple of years after the divorce thinking I was going to be locked down forever, and then it started to ease up. So I decided to take advantage of the easing and make myself a priority. I HIGHLY recommend looking for spaces that are opening up and filling them with things you want to do and not things you feel like you have to do.
Elle, I felt like (both times) Kindergarten was more work for me than it was time the child was away. I have no idea why, but it felt like an empty promise of "child away at school."
Posted by: Moxie | January 14, 2013 at 03:42 PM
This may be an expensive fun thing, but then, if there's a massage school around, it may not be. A massage, even just a 1/2 hour one, from someone who does deep tissue massage. Your athlete's body will love it (and be sore afterward in the same nice sore way you get from exercise) and if you splurge for an hour and the masseuse is good it will even feel like you've had a heck of a meditation session.
Get a tattoo? (I think I'm just kidding, but then, I think I want a tattoo before I hit 60.)
Go to a really nice restaurant for lunch, alone, with a good book. Less expensive at lunch. A different (and I think good) experience to eat out alone sometimes.
Go to a free concert of music in a genre you aren't really that familiar with or used to listening to.
Happy birthday in advance.
Posted by: Bo | January 14, 2013 at 04:54 PM
It used to feel transgressive to me to do nice things for myself; now I realize that it's part of my mental health and everyone in my household benefits. FWIW, I have two kids ages 5 (almost 6) and 2 and I'm a full time PhD student in economics (about to graduate this year) and searching for a job. Here are nice things I do for myself:
-Take the time to go to the gym or run or do yoga 4-6 times per week. I feel better, happier and more relaxed and am a much better Mom when I do this.
-Do a regular Mom's Night Out (about once a month) with friends I made when my older was a baby.
-Buy flowers for the house at the grocery store almost every week (our grocery store has a great selection of reasonably priced cut flowers--$10 for beautiful sunflowers that last two weeks).
-Go to therapy once a week-- luckily my insurance covers this. Started because of a huge family crisis, continued to unpack lots of dysfunction, staying because it improves my state of mind, my marriage and my overall mental well being. (I was raised to believe therapy was for self-indulgent losers, by the way, so realizing the benefits of therapy was not automatic.)
-Get a facial every so often-- about 2-3 times a year, though I'm hoping to up that going forward, once I start working and pulling in the $$.
-Take time in the mornings to look my best. For me that means putting on a nice outfit and make-up, even if I'm just going to my campus office and I don't have any meetings. Part of this was learning about fashion, reading style blogs and learning how to shop (I was not raised with this, at all, so all of this was totally non-obvious to me). By the way, I don't spend a lot of money on clothes-- I often shop in thrift stores-- but I try to put together what I have to my best advantage.
-Arranging for regular date nights with my husband (the goal is once a week, but it ends up being about once every other week). We sometimes do babysitting swaps with friends and sometimes hire a babysitter. Worth. Every. Penny.
-Keeping up with my friends and using social media to connect to others.
-Drinking as much coffee as I want and not feeling bad about it.
-Every so often, buying a bottle of sparkling wine and sharing w/ hubby as an aperitif before dinner for no reason special.
-Going to the gym every day when we visit my in-laws so I can get some alone time.
-Saving in other areas so I can afford to spend money on quality ingredients to cook healthy food.
Now, I adore my children and husband and my work, and I put A LOT of energy into taking care of all of them. I love being with my kids, I love family time, I love my research, I love cooking for my family, I love making our home a tidy and restful haven, hell, I EVEN love ironing my kid's clothes (I know, I'm a weirdo) and I also love being able to come to those things feeling balanced, energized and healthy. As I've gotten older, I've realized more and more that feeling guilty about taking care of oneself emotionally, physically and spiritually is a waste of time; it's also some dysfunctional bullshit passed down through certain families (and society at large) to make women feel like they should constantly be martyring themselves for others and are selfish assholes if they have five minutes to themselves in a day. So glad I got past it (see "therapy", above).
Moxie-- this post made you seem more, not less, relatable to me!
Posted by: BlueBirdMama | January 14, 2013 at 05:07 PM
By the way, for your fun things list, may I suggest finding someone to play ping-pong or air hockey with? Recently played air hockey at a kid's birthday party for the first time since I was a kid and it. was. amazing. So fun. And, since I know you're a knitter, how about putting "go to a knitting store and buying yarn for a ridiculously luxurious (cashmere?) scarf/cowl/sweater for myself" on the list :-)
Posted by: BlueBirdMama | January 14, 2013 at 05:13 PM
OK, I swear I do not mean this comment to come off as snarky or mean, but I am under the influence of cough medicine and cannot swear I will be able to edit it to my usual diplomatic style... and this feels important enough (there's that cough medicine again!) that I can't just not write it. So here goes.
It always makes me sad to see people envy divorced friends because the kids are away with their dads part of the time. Why wait for your marriage to disintegrate before taking the time you need for yourself? This is certainly not the only reasons marriages end, but allowing resentment and martyrdom to fester is sure a good recipe for putting your marriage on the rocks. I love my husband too much to let that happen. You probably do, too, or you wouldn't be envying your divorced friends' free time, you'd be joining them. So why not talk to your partner and bring a little time for yourself into your life right now? Nowhere is it written that mothers- even mothers of young children!- must be either working, doing chores, or spending quality time with their kids every waking moment. It is perfectly OK to say to your husband that you want to take the afternoon to do XYZ nice thing for yourself, so could he take the kids to the park? And then the next weekend, you can take the kids to the park while he does ABC other thing.
Look, I'm not perfect at this myself, not by a long shot. I've needed to buy new underwear for at least 6 months now, for instance. But at least I am clear on what is going on when I guilt-trip myself into not going and buying myself some nice underwear, already, and spend the entire weekend on chores and family things instead.
It IS hard when you are still nursing, and even past that when the kids are toddlers in whom logic and experience has not yet bested the inborn impulse to keep mommy close at hand at all costs. I can't fault the three year old- she's just acting out the inheritance of many eons in which letting mommy out of sight WAS pretty much a death sentence. But I know better! My husband is perfectly capable of taking excellent care of the kids for an afternoon, or a weekend, or whatever I need. He is willing, too. Why not find out if your husband is, too? If he isn't, start there are fix that problem, and then squash down the guilt and the false judgement of a culture that at once saints and straightjackets mothers and go do something fun for yourself.
So basically, I'm agreeing with @BlueBirdMama. I love my kids, and I love spending time with them. But they will take and take and take my love and attention, and they are too young now to recognize when they've taken more than I have to give. It is up to me to keep an eye on my metaphorical gas tank and top it up when the needle dips toward empty. No one else is going to do it, and no one else should have to do it. Husbands aren't mind-readers, after all.
Posted by: Cloud | January 14, 2013 at 05:32 PM
As the poster who said I envy the reliable "child free" chunks of time my divorced friends have, I could have prefaced by saying that I DO do many fun personal activities... but sometimes, not "all the time." Absolutely, my husband will cover a weekend afternoon while I go to book group, get a massage, or go shopping. We swap for "personal time" regularly, and plan dates with a sitter, and I am not at all feeling guilty for that. I was just struck by the depth and breadth of Moxie's description of her fun personal activities... There's still a delta between what I yearn to do and what I can incorporate into this system I'm part of, which includes a small child who needs supervision if not attention by SOMEONE all the time, and 2 working adults, and a spouse with his own personal interests. I wholeheartedly agree with all of you that personal time = happier person, mother, partner. I'm just surprised there (still) isn't as much of it as I'd like.
I suspected the discrepancy had something to do with bigger chunks of "child free" time. I think Moxie confirmed that re her post. The most useful part to me was her comment that, when things ease, to fill the newly free time with personally fun activities versus (as my daughter keeps urging) adopting a puppy who would suck up all that newly free time!
Posted by: Elle | January 14, 2013 at 06:14 PM
A friend of mine who was struggling with turning 40 did something that I thought was *awesome*. This friend is great at taking time for herself, so she decided to think about the people in her life she's really thankful for. Every day, for 6 weeks, she wrote an email to someone and told that person why she was grateful for his or her presence in her life. Family, friends, colleagues, even just acquaintances. In the end, as you can imagine, she got so much more out of it than she put in. And she turned 40 with the knowledge that she has the best people, and the best life. Just a thought, maybe something to fold in to your 40 fun things!
Posted by: Laura | January 14, 2013 at 07:06 PM
@Elle, you know, I think my reaction was less to your specific post and more to a collection of posts I've seen on Moxie's site over the years. There was one post of Moxie's about divorce that had a comment section that just seemed full of married moms wishing they had as much time to themselves as the divorced moms, and I guess that one really bugged me, since I can still remember it! I'm sorry if my comment came across as a rebuke to you personally, I didn't mean it that way. I really should have edited it more carefully. I apologize if my first comment stung.
As I said in my first comment, I'm not awesome at this myself, so I really do understand the undertow that makes it hard to take time for our own priorities. (I have two kids- a 5.5. year old kindergartner and a 3 year old, FWIW.) My comment was more a plea to all of us to fight the undertow rather than give in and go under (or maybe to swim with the rip current until it lets go and we can swim to shore? I don't know.) My family and I wrote a "family fun list for 2013" on New Year's Eve, with one fun thing we want to do each month. I'm thinking that maybe I should write a similar personal fun list, too!
You are right that Moxie's advice to take the time that is freeing up for yourself rather than letting new chores creep in is good.
Posted by: Cloud | January 14, 2013 at 07:58 PM
E at pie for breakfast
Posted by: Nniiccoollee | January 14, 2013 at 09:36 PM
Make a vision board.
Posted by: MomPlusKid | January 14, 2013 at 11:07 PM
Your list is looking great. I second the cooking class!
Posted by: dspence | January 15, 2013 at 09:17 AM
Skee ball! It is the only thing that makes the kid parties at Chuck E Cheese bearable for me. Go play skee ball! And yes, I have been in the trenches too and know that sometimes magazines and sparkling wine seem like the absolute last practical and possible thing to do but my gosh, even I learned to paint my toenails while the kids play in the bathtub. There is potential for fun everywhere, you just have to find that sliver of opportunity and go for it!
Posted by: rebecca | January 15, 2013 at 11:20 AM
I can't believe there's no hula hooping on this list.
Posted by: Nikki | January 16, 2013 at 08:48 AM
ooooh it sounds FUN, all that. Enjoy!
Posted by: muffinmoscow | January 16, 2013 at 02:04 PM
Good for you! Sounds amazing and have tons of fun! :)
http://andlovewillfindyou.blogspot.com/2013/01/letting-go.html?m=1
Posted by: Guest | January 17, 2013 at 05:26 AM
Awesome. So I have 14 days to come up with my own 40 til 40 list. :D
Posted by: Goddess Babe | January 18, 2013 at 08:32 PM
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