i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

I've seen so many people asking how we go on now, how we parent now. And I'm sad and horrified about what happened in CT, but maybe I'm lucky because I never felt safe before anyway.

I was three months pregnant in September 2001, living in New York City. So before my son was even born I knew that there wasn't any one single minute of his life that was guaranteed. That has seriously affected the way I parent him and his brother, and how I live my life.

What I know is that there's nothing external that keeps me or my kids safe. No building, or government, or lock that keeps the good guys in and the bad guys out. There's no magical thing or series of things I can do to guarantee that my kids are safe 100% of the time. And that's frightening, but it's also forced me to focus on what I CAN do.

(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

And what I can do is look at the essence of my kids and of the world we live in. The first step, for me, is forming relationships. I want to be enmeshed in my community--my neighborhood especially. I make it a point to talk to the people who live and work around me. I want the people on the street and in the houses and stores and restaurants to know who I am, who my kids are, where they belong, and for me to know who these people are and where they belong and what they need. That also means voting for things that will strengthen communities and families so that we don't get fragmented and destabilized. There is no such thing as safety, but there's trust, and the more you use it, the more it grows.

Then I work on the personal. I want my kids to know that they are loved, and to be able to carry that with them. I also want them to trust themselves and their own instincts. And that only happens if I trust my own instincts and model that behavior for them. If you haven't read Gavin de Becker's Trusting the Gift, go read it as soon as you finish this post. It's a roadmap for helping yourself trust what you know on a gut level about what's safe and what's not, and not getting tricked or distracted by the things we're told to fear when the actual dangers are right there in plain sight.

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)

So I've focused a lot on trusting my instincts about who and what are safe situations, and then being very overt about describing that and what I felt to my kids. I want them to grow up not only trusting their instincts but having language to describe the process of trusting their instincts. Once when my little guy (he's in second grade now) was 4, he and I were on the subway on the way to preschool, and some 20-year-old kids got on the car and started fighting and something about it felt wrong, not just normal kid fighting. It turned out to be a knife fight. Because I trusted my instinct that something was wrong, I'd grabbed my son and yelled out at the other mom and kid on the car and the four of us were through the door onto another car before anyone else even heard us yelling at them or noticed the knives. Afterward we talked a lot about how I knew. (How did I know? A prickly feeling and a perception that something wasn't fitting in right, like when you try to force the wrong puzzle piece in--the same way I knew when I was about to be robbed at gunpoint when I lived in Mexico. I've learned to trust that prickly feeling.)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

I also want my kids to look for the helpers, but even more than that I want them to BE the helpers. My son saw me yell "Tiene cuchillo!" at the other mom on the car and saw the two of us work together to get our kids out and warn the other passengers. My older son knows that if something happens I will hand him my phone and his job is to call 911 and describe the situation and hold his brother's hand while I help the situation. Remember my friend who caught the child rapist? She and I used to talk all the time about being the helper. If you rehearse it enough times you don't hesitate when the situation arises. It's ok if you're afraid, because everyone's afraid, but there is always something you can do to make things better.

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

So I didn't hesitate to tell my kids about Sandy Hook. My ex-husband called to strategize about how to tell them, but neither of us considered not doing it. We decided to do it together, and approached it from a "there's something you need to know" point of view, and that that's why adults were all so on edge. Both kids were sobered, but neither of them were fearful. It was like talking about what you do if you fall or get pushed onto the subway tracks, or if you get locked into the bathroom, or who you approach if you get lost, or what you do if one person gets stuck on the inside of the subway car and one on the platform, or the house catches on fire, or someone gets hit by a car. It was like talking about Hurricane Sandy and making more extensive escape plans than we'd had before. It is serious, but we trust you enough to tell you the truth.

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

And here, I'm going to go here, too: We talk about how some kids are not safe all/most of the time, and how those kids tend to be poorer than my kids are. And that they need to be aware of that and do whatever they can not to contribute to that problem, and not assume that what happens to them on a daily basis is what happens to everyone else. My kids can't solve that problem now, but I owe it to them to tell them the truth and let them decide later what they will do in response.

So I am not afraid. My kids know the truth. They know to be ready, and to offer what they can.

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

 

 

 

 

["i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)" is by e.e. cummings]

Comments

[meggiemoo]

This was beautifully written. Thank you.

[Kate]

Thank you.

We live an hour from Newtown and we're all still reeling. I can't even imagine (nor do I want to, because I know how far I can push myself and that's beyond it).

[Sam]

This was so, so good. Oh, Magda. Thank you.

[StateofKate]

Magda, you are awesome.

[Kathleen]

Thank you Magda.

[Jacquie]

This is a beautiful post, Magda. We've chosen not to tell our kids (ages 5 and 7) for now, but I'll check in with them when they get home from school today to see what they've heard, if anything.

Part of my reason for not telling them is because I don't think there's anything they can learn from Newtown that can change the way they act everyday. My son is that 7 year old Newtown student who thinks he can fight the bad guys because he knows karate. I don't want him to understand yet that, in the face of a gunman with nearly limitless rounds of ammunition, karate would not help.

[Tine]

Although we've made a different choice, I really appreciate this post. Thank you for giving me so much to think about, so beautifully written.

I think the right thing to do is different for each kid/family/situation. We did not tell our kids, and we also spirited away the newspaper and kept the radio & TV off. Here's why....

Our daughter is 6 and a 1st-grader -- the same age as all those kids who died -- and she is a very empathetic, emotional kid. She's the sort of person who will put herself exactly in that situation...and come apart at the seams with grief and fear.

Our son is 9. He already has tons of anxiety about school for other reasons. Telling him this story would only multiply his anxiety exponentially. I know he will find out. He is a reader, an observer, and a listener. And he *will* ask questions. When he does, I'll answer them honestly.

[SarcastiCarrie]

I need to teach my 7yo how to use my cell phone.
(It's not a fun smart phone...just a dumb talking phone so he's never had a need/desire to do anything with it.)

[Alyssa Harad]

Wow. Came here via my friend Emily F's FB link and I'm so glad I did. Full of admiration for your thinking here and the work you're doing with your kids. Off to share your post with a friend who asked for help thinking of ways "to convince others to think of the community and not just of their individual fears." Seems to me you are raising your kids to do just that.

[Amy]

Tine, I agree completely. My 6 year old daughter would not be able to process this. Nor should she have to. Lately she's having a very hard time with conflict and death. I really, really hope she gets through this school day as blissfully unaware as she was when I dropped her off.

Obviously there are kids who are forced into situations where they have to deal with these kind of complex fears and emotions, but developmentally most of them just aren't ready to. *I'm* not ready to, and I'm 36.

[Rudyinparis]

I emailed the girl’s teachers this morning and asked what message, if any, they are sharing with the children. I imagine they are only bringing it up if a student asks questions. Which I’m sure will happen, understandably so. Whatever message they send is fine with me—I have no doubt I’ll agree with their words, whatever they may be. But I want to work with that message at home, if need be.

We haven’t said anything to the girls.

I was talking about this yesterday with my running buddy, who does not have kids. I told her we hadn’t said anything. I equated it with that Parenting 101 rule—never ask a question if it’s not a question. For example, never say, “Can you drink your milk, please?” because then they can “No!” Instead say, “Please drink your milk.” Etc. And I said to her, it’s like that. I don’t know how, right now, to talk to them about something they’ll have questions about--and I don’t have the answers. I need to know what I’ll say. I don’t know yet.

If we do, it will be along the same lines as what we say for all these situations (deep, sad sigh there)—that someone who was mentally ill hurt some people. But then—what? How?

I feel so emotionally overwhelmed by this tragedy that I just need some more time to center myself before I address it with them. I feel so sad and lost.

[Stacy]

@Rudyinparis, I feel the same as you describe. After a lot of anguish and debate, we decided not to tell our first grader, 7 year old son. I think it was a combination of protecting him from the story and protecting ourselves from the task of telling him.

I emailed his teacher and let her know that as of this morning he was unaware. She was kind enough to write back to me early this afternoon and let me know that as far as she can tell, none of the kids in the class seem aware. She decided not to talk about it with her own second grader, too.

There is no right or wrong in how we decide to deal with the news with our own children. I see the pros and cons to both choosing to share the news or shelter them from it for as long as we can. I think it depends on our own personalities and our children's personalities.

Also, thank you Moxie for this post. I had to read only every other paragraph so as not to cry at work. :) I was waiting for a post from you today. It was a relief to read something from you on this topic.

[Rudyinparis]

@Stacy, Younger's teacher responded to me right away, too, and said almost the exact same thing--that her class seemed unaware, but that school psychologists are standing by, that she wanted to be respectful of parent's messaging at home, and so on.

It was evident in her response to me that walking into a room of smiling little faces was perhaps the most healing thing for her. I imagine she's very shaken up.

[Ann Napolitano]

Thank you for this, Magda.

[meggiemoo]

We haven't told ours either (6 and 3). I'm hoping, hoping, hoping, our son doesn't overhear conversations from the older kids in his aftercare. He is uber-sensitive and will take it very hard indeed.

[Jessica S.]

We didn't tell my 6 and 4 year olds. Seized with a concern that he'd hear about it at school today, I did pull my 6-year-old aside yesterday and told him that if he hears about anything scary, please talk to me about it. He asked, "Like what?" And I just said, "In general. If you hear about something and you think it's scary, I want you to talk to me. I want you to know you can talk to me." And he wandered off, content with that. He hasn't brought it up this afternoon, so I hope that means nobody said anything to him at school.

My angle on all of this has been, consistently, love your kids and tell them so. That's enough. Right now, for me, it's not about a gun control or the state of mental health care in this country, it's about parents who have lost children and families who have lost loved ones, and I think, above all, we need keep in mind that we love our children, and that that's the most important thing we can do for them.

[BlueBirdMama]

My 5 y.o. son heard me talking about it on the phone to my Mom and wanted to know what I was sad about. I told him simply "a bad man shot some people and it makes me sad". We ended up having a conversation about compassion and how it's sad when other people are hurting. I didn't want to get into it being kids at a school because I didn't want to make him feel unsafe. Later the next day he was saying something about guns being awesome (as in toy guns) and I said very emphatically that I did not like guns at all. He said guns were good because they shoot bad guys with them. I pointed out that the gun can't tell who it shooting, it can't tell if it's a bad guy or a good guy or an animal or a kid; he asked, "So, sometimes not bad guys get shot, but just regular people or kids?" I said yes. He said when he grows up he'll invent a camera that goes on top of guns that will jam the gun if a kid or a nice person is standing in front of it. I told him that was an interesting idea, and left it at that.

Just last week they had a security drill at his school and the kids practiced running into their classrooms, hiding and staying away from windows and doors if a "mountain lion" was on campus (it's Northern California, so that could actually happen, but the drill was at least partially about the campus response to violent incidents as well).

As for my two year old, I've never been so happy that her daycare has a key pad with a code at the door. Of course, a determined person could get past it. But, still, at least there are little things.

This all has me so depressed. Thanks, as always, for your insights, Moxie.

[hedra]

Nice job, Moxie.

[Myla]

Beautiful post. My oldest is just 3 so it feels like we are still able to avoid this subject, but when he is older I think we will take a very similar approach. From the child's side, I always remember my parents talking to us about difficult subjects (death, war, guns) very openly and without any extra drama and it worked well for me. I think we often forget that things that are very traumatic for us to think about sometimes just aren't to children. I remember knowing who would take us if both my parents died, and it was just an interesting thing to know and actually made me feel safe and didn't make me fearful of them dying.

Your model of how to engage with your community and vote accordingly (sorry, totally dumbing down all the great stuff on.how to parent you included in the post) is inspiring. I am being greedy, but also wanted to throw out a hope that you will post soon with any ideas about concrete actions we can take collectively. It feels like there is a unique momentum right now and I would love to see us all channel our rage, grief, etc into anything that could make this less likely to occur. I know there are so many opinions on the root causes, and I believe the causes are, but it also seems it would be a waste (at best) to let that hold us back from trying to do something.

[kate]

beautiful. thank you, magda.

[rebecca]

I knew my son would hear about it at school on Monday so we had a pre chat on Sunday night. He knew the basics, not the details. Today, his first grade teacher told them about it and they practiced a safety drill in class. i think it was pro-active but I had a hard time holding it together as my son asked for the children's names who died (in order to personalize and process it). Never thought I'd be explaining mass shootings of 6 year olds to my 6 year old. It is not fair for any of us. i threw in an extra "this is why we never, ever, ever play with guns" lesson too. Hope it sticks.

[Sarah]

On an emotional level, I understand wanting to not discuss Newtown with our kids. I have a five-year-old daughter and an almost-11 month old son. I can't imagine the damage and pain it takes to put a gun in the face of someone like my emotional, lovely, bubbly kindergartner. That is horrifying and I would love to be able to protect her (and her brother ) from that for all time.
But I can't protect her from that. And since that isn't possible, I view it as my responsibility, my duty as a parent, to make sure she has the tools to move through a world where such acts are possible. Her school routinely does safety drills, including lock-down shelter in place drills. She knows that there are processes in place and she knows her role in them.
On Friday, I explained to her that a bad man walked into a school in CT (she knows where that is because though we live outside DC, it is part of the route we drive to reach our summer vacation spot in NH) and shot several children and teachers. I told her we didn't really know why he did it, but that the reason didn't matter so much as the fact that it shouldn't have happened, that the kids and teachers had done nothing to bring this on themselves. We linked it back to her drills at school and I reinforced for her that she has all these adults around her (parents, friends, teachers, etc.) who work on keeping her safe. I explained that she might hear people talking about it and that she can ask me or my husband any question she likes.
She is highly empathetic. She gets scared and nervous about things. But the only thing tougher than explaining Newtown to her would be the triage of her hearing about it from someone else -- another kid, a newsreport in passing in some space where I am not around to edit what she hears, pictures on a newspaper (because those photos are EVERYWHERE). And this conversation won't be over in a few days or a week. We can't cover their eyes and ears for as long as it will take for it to stop being so prominent. Plus, kids sense change and tension. Their emotional acuity is so much higher and better than for most adults -- we are trained to tune it out which is why Moxie's point about trusting your gut is so critical.
So while I understand the emotional desire to protect, I would urge parents everywhere to really examine that motive. How much of that desire for silence really comes from our own fear? A fear that is totally understandable, but we need to be bigger than that fear for our kids to learn how to negotiate it for themselves. Are they too young to be subjected to this? Absolutely! But we have lost the ability to make that choice. I would argue we lost that ability a long time ago and Friday's events just reinforced with stark chilling clarity how gone it really is.
Information is power. Stripped down information scaled up based on age, to be sure. But information nonetheless leads to empowerment.

[Rabbi Rachel Barenblat]

This is one of the most powerful responses I've read, and it means so much to me -- as a rabbi and as a mom of a three-year-old. Thank you.

[Lauren]

very timely for me as we were away at the time with in-laws who have the ^&%$^%$! tv on 24/7 so my 4yo saw the lot - although it was not very graphic here (Australia). And the in-laws (normally kind and sensible people) thought it was odd that I was making a fuss about it being on in front of the kids (nephew 11, niece 8, and my 4yo and 2 x 2yos) - my point not being that it was on but that if it was going to be on, someone had better be beside it explaining it properly to the kids, for Pete's sake. FIL suggested they watch the tv in the other room. WHAT THE HECK. and why is the tv on 24/7 anyway???

My 4yo didn't ask any questions but she looked very wide eyed. I explained that someone had hurt some kids at a school but that it was not usual for this to happen (well, it NEVER happens in Australia, thankfully - just why I am not sure - we have had a semi-automatic weapons ban since the last mass shooting in 1996 (accompanied by an armistice and buy-back) but I suspect there is more to it than that).

Now we are back home and the tv is off, thank you! I don't deprive my children of information but I do like to be around to explain it age-appropriately.

[Evi]

I don't even have children, but this was very well written- and I do hope to remember this down the line when I do have kids- to teach them these same things.

[lauren rizzo]

This is what I think too. It would be lovely if there were something more reassuring to hang our hats on, but the truth is that we aren't there yet, and safety is a touch-and-go thing, and there are no guarantees. But we can do what you talk about, and form connections and be on the helping side of things, and look for the best. Teach our children that we all have a powerful influence on the world.

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