Q&A: Written out of your kids' story

Lauren writes:

"My ex and I have been divorced/separated for 2.5 years. The divorce was emotionally messy, but we worked out all the custody and financial issues in a couple of months. We have 50/50 physical custody and attend kid events together, have joint birthday parties for them, and generally do a good job being "civil" etc.

Over the past year she has started blogging about her life with the kids- a public blog read mostly by friends and family. In it, she completely ignores that there are two households or that I exist at all. She will, for example, say "we had such a busy week. Son had a birthday, did x and y, and he said something really funny about z- I have no idea where he came up with that! I was amazed when Daughter 1 displayed a deep understanding of thus and so. It's so much fun to raise them." All of this ignoring that I'm the one who took Son to X or Y, or taught the girls to do the things she finds incredible, or that their stepsibling taught them turn of phrase Z. Or that they weren't even at her house for half the week! It's been particularly worse, or feels worse, since she and her new partner moved in together, so the blog seems like they are a happy family of 5.

I am concerned that this is indicative of how she views and thus discounts my role in their life, and what verbal or unspoken narrative she tells them when I'm not there (there have been instances where, despite our civility, she has told our younger daughter the divorce was my choice, etc). My other concern is that this is the modern-day equivalent of a baby book/photo album, and I'm being cut out of all the pictures. I know her blog cannot change reality and the kids know that I am their parent and half-time caregiver. And I probably shouldn't sweat a stupid blog. But it still *feels* wrong to me. I worry about how this impacts them- if at all- and why she feels the need to write me out in the first place...

I just need some thoughtful, arms-length advice. I really can't tell if I should just let it go- but I worry the readers-- my friends, ex-friends, family, and most importantly in the future the kids-- actually believe or will believe I'm not involved in any of this. Sigh."

Ugh. Being written out of existence must feel horrible. I asked Lauren if she'd asked her ex to stop, and she said that she had, but her ex had told her it was her blog and Lauren can't tell her what to do.

As a divorced person who writes about her life (in blogs and social media accounts), this level of removing the ex seems weird and dysfunctional to me. I don't go out of my way to talk about my kids' dad (except on our actual co-parenting blog) (and except when he does something extremely nice or extremely funny) but I can't imagine being so insecure that I'd need to pretend publicly that he doesn't even exist. I'm guessing that all of you who write about your lives and have another parent of your child are feeling the same way.

So it seems to me that Lauren has two choices:

1. Start documenting her life with the kids in some way (a blog, Flickr or Instagram account, family Pinterest, etc.) so there's a reality check out there in public that Lauren is her own kids' mother, too, and/or

2. Let it go. Which means trusting that the people whose opinion she cares about understand that Lauren is in the kids' lives, too. Whether or not those people wonder why, exactly, Lauren's ex is trying to erase her isn't something Lauren can control. And just keep documenting her daily life with the kids privately however she normally does (with pictures, writing down funny things the kids say, etc.).

I know which one I'd do (which is why you're reading this site right now). But maybe Lauren just wants to walk away.

Thoughts for Lauren?

Comments

[Becky]

I think it might be worth considering that the ex is simply writing *thier* story, and some might interpret it as a respectful move to not mention the ex (lauren) without permission. It seems that if my ex had a blog I might prefer they didn't write about me on it, regardless of context. Just a possible perspective? I would say it is not necessarily indicative of the way ex is communicating to the children. Trust that you are your own story and your children know it.

[Ewokmama]

I blog and rarely mention my ex - I can't vouch for his experiences. It is partly to protect him - I don't want to present my point of view regarding how he parents, which is likely skewed. Partially it's to protect me, as well - he is highly critical of me and argumentative. I would surely not present things in a way he would like.

I think the choices you presented are good options.

[SarahB]

If I were in Lauren's shoes, I can't think that I would want my ex writing about me publicly. So, flip the question, how would you feel if she were writing about you? How much control (if any) would you want over what's said about you and how? Wouldn't it be weird for the ex to be talking about events and happenings of which she isn't a part? She's talking about how those events play out at her house (for instance, saying interesting things that she could have picked up at your house, from a friend, at school). It's really not her responsibility or probably her desire either to document your role in the children's life--that's your responsibility.

Put another way, I don't know how there is any way you could be comfortable with your ex blogging about your children, and I think that's an understandable reaction.

[SarahB]

Sorry "saying interesting things that the kids..."

[yasmara]

This may be overly litigious, but is this something that might need to be addressed in some kind of custody mediation? Maybe you can stop your ex from writing publicly about the kids at all, if it's a big issue for you.

[Elizabeth]

I would either let it go, or start posting comments on her blog. "Oh, I bet Lauren picked that up from Fred when she was over here this week - he says that all the time." Whether she lets those comments stay or deletes them will tell you (and some onlookers who notice) whether this is an innocent attempt to protect your privacy or trying to write you out of their lives.

[Amanda]

Why would the ex write about what Lauren does with the kids? I'm confused this is even an issue.

It seems obvious that the ex would write about her experiences with the kids, not necessarily footnoting every anecdote with where the kid picked up certain knowledge or turn-of-phrase. It's not an encyclopedic diary of the children, it's a blog.

[Lucy]

My husband and I write a blog about the kids, and we never mention each other. You would think that they don't have any parents, grandparents, babysitters/caregivers etc. It's just the way that we write it. We don't post pictures of us on it - just the kids.
We don't contextualize what the kids are doing.
It is just how we write it.
Both Moxie's options seem on point.

[ARC]

I think this is one of those aggravating things I'd have to let go for my own sanity. I don't think it'll affect the kids directly, but if you want to tell the story of your lives together, start your own blog and do that, or keep scrapbooks they can look through, etc.

Since you've already brought it up with the ex, there's not much more you can do, I think, except disengage and do your own thing.

[sasha]

I think both of Moxie's suggestions are both good ones. One issue that I thought of reading this (and I might be projecting more of myself here than Lauren) is why does this blog provoke this reaction in Lauren?

From what was written, the blog seems pretty innocuous. I don't know if my first reaction to reading it would be the idea that Lauren's ex was intentionally, maliciously "writing Lauren out of the children's lives".

I understand that Lauren feels this way. And I think it is important for Lauren to deal with these feelings. But I am not so sure that Lauren's ex's blog has anything to do with these feelings (except as a catalyst). Lauren, as a partner, has been written out of her ex's life. I don't know if I think that Lauren's role as a co-parent needs to be documented on her ex's blog.

I don't think you can control what someone else writes on their blog (barring active harm which doesn't seem to be the case here). Trying to get *an ex* to change how they write their personal blog seems particularly futile, especially when, let's face it - none of us would probably want to give an ex carte blanche to write whatever struck their fancy in relationship to us. It seems like (somehow) Lauren would like her ex to be writing a "family" blog that includes the entire extended family as Lauren would like it to be documented, rather than just the ex's nuclear family. Her ex doesn't want to do that, and I can't really see a reason why she should want to.

Personally, I would have problems with an ex approaching me and asking me to include their perspective on my personal blog. As long as an ex is being respectful and civil (which seems to be the case here from what has been written) I think anything more than that could be perceived by the other person as unreasonable.

[Schwa de Vivre]

I think we're not getting the whole story -- that Lauren's gut is telling her something, and she needs to clarify that. It might be something about family dynamics (I'd personally guess that) or it might be her own issues or fears, as Sasha suggests. In the end, the only one who can know is Lauren, and perhaps her kids. Talking with the kids to gently get an idea of their take might be useful, if Lauren thinks she can do it without making things more complicated. Therapy for the family or Lauren is an option. But whatever the approach, I think digging a little deeper is called for.

As for appropriate responses, I like those Moxie, Elizabeth, and yasmara suggest, again if they don't seem likely to make things more complicated.

It's possible that this isn't a big deal, except that it feels like it to Lauren, and that in itself is important -- a clue to something bigger.

[JMom]

There is a sort of parental alienation where one parent puts out all kinds of effort to demonstrate to the world that they are the real and best parent. That everything good about these children is attributable to their singular terrific parenting. It's pretty hurtful and some people believe it and fall for it. Maybe that's what's going on here. I think ignoring it is best. Stop reading it. When your children grow up, they will not be fooled by it. Concentrate on your relationship with your children. Love them.

[Elizabeth]

1. This is hard. 2. I have zero personal experience with divorce. 3. There are lots of good ideas here.

The only thing I'd add is that TIME will tell. Over the long term, friends, family and your own kids will realize who is doing what. They will notice the long track record of faithful parenting, support, sacrifice, good attitude, love, whatever... They will see what you do well and what the other parent does well - or poorly. You will never regret taking the high road on all these day-to-day difficult things.

[Alexicographer]

I have to admit I wouldn't want anyone blogging about my kid, period, end of conversation, but other than that, no words of wisdom.

[hush]

What @Schwa de Vivre and @Alexicographer said, exactly.

[Artemis]

Both -- let it go, and do something yourself, whether a blog, a FB page, or a regular 'ole scrapbook.

[Celeste]

I think I would ask myself, is what she is saying the truth? She seems to be writing nice things about the kids' development, and her enjoyment of them. I think that's fine. It's how she feels, and it's her documentation of her observations. FWIW I don't think most parents who make baby books, journals, etc. stop and give one parent or another credit for each thing the child does. I think it's about the child, and the feelings of the writer.

I think Lauren is telling her herself that she is being erased...but I don't think she's telling herself the truth. I think that with the custody split being so equitable, there is just no way that can happen because of a blog, journal, or baby book.

I would try to stick to the truth of the situation and not take it personally. It could also be that the blog is just too painful to read because she is not included in it. Many ex couples find they need to step away from Facebook or some other social avenues because it's better to have separation there, too. It could be the same for the blog.

[Raia]

I don't have a blog and I am barely active on FB, so maybe not the right person for an opinion. But I would hate if an ex were talking about me on his blog, whatever they said it would feel like a violation of my privacy. I think it's very real possibility that this is out of respect, not rancor. When in doubt, choose the better motivation for something that irritates you. I vote this person stop reading the blog and move on with their lives.

[Roberta]

This hits home - I might be on the opposite end of a similar situation.

I'm separated about a year, divorce in process, and the kids are with soon-to-be-ex every other weekend. I think he's doing ok staying involved with the kids - better than the guys who just leave, not as involved as the ones who want the kids half the time.

Anyway, every year I've put together an album of the family photos for the year. I take most of the photos, so I rarely appear in the book, but I've always made sure stbx is represented - he was probably over-represented relative to the time he spent with the kids in the past.

This year, he exerted himself and bought a camera and gave me the pictures he took when he took the kids several places - and wants me to organize them into the photo book per usual. I'm doing that with some of them, for the kids' sakes. The problem, though, is that writing the kids' story is a shitload of work! I spend hours and hours on our book each year! It's a labor of love, I'm happy to do it for them, but it just grates that I'm expected to do it for him, too.

I guess what I'm saying: please don't forget that the person doing the documenting is doing work, possibly a lot of it. Every mention of an ex needs to be questioned so much: is this possibly something that could be mis-interpreted, am I saying something that be ammunition somehow later - this just makes the work harder.

I think Moxie's suggesion 1 is especially good: you're divorced, and if it's important to you that your version of the story exist, then you need to do it. Just another thing that you can't just delegate to a partner after a divorce...

[Cathy]

Step one: for her own sake and her ex's, Lauren should stop reading this blog. That may be easier said than done, emotionally, but the harder it proves, the more necessary it probably is. Attempting to write herself into the ex-spouse's narrative (through comments, say, or continued appeals for better representation) can't be anything other than (1) futile and (2) a pretty significant boundary violation. A personal blog is not an notarized version of official history for all time, and it poses no realistic threat to the children's long-term perspective on Lauren's own role in their lives.

In other words, I don't think that option 2 is actually optional, as Moxie's and/or implies -- starting her own (rival?) blog without simultaneously letting go of/deconstructing the false perception that her ex has either the responsibility or the capacity to determine her place in her kids' lives wouldn't be a long-term fix. In a broader sense, for the children's sake, it is a *good* thing that both of their families are warm and supportive and loving, and a real or imagined competition between the two families is in no one's best interests. No doubt Lauren knows that, but to the extent that that perspective is getting swamped by insecurity and fear -- understandable anxieties about what it means to share one's children with an estranged co-parent -- those feelings need to be dealt with.

[Latte]

It doesn't seem to me that the ex's blog is malicious, just a bit dismissive. And I think the real question is what is Lauren hoping to accomplish by reading it? Lauren doesn't have any control over what she writes and quite frankly if an ex of mine tried to tell me what to write in my blog I would think it was a little strange. Lauren should spend that time and mental energy loving and supporting the kids and stop reading the blog.

[Nelle]

@ JMom - yes. We have a similar situation in our lives - not the parental alienation, say, but more of the complete lack of acknowledgement of our co-parenting role.

Solving Lauren's immediate problem is one more of "how does she feel better about this?". In our situation, my husband's ex-wife is a crazy-active facebooker. Status updates all the time, etc... and she presents herself to the world as the best, most competent, single mom EVER. There are so many examples of why it is infuriating, rude and just not true, (i.e., all her "celebrations" on him being potty trained with little effort... uh, yeah, because *I* potty trained him while you were in Mexico for two weeks learning to surf).

Complicating the issue is that my MIL is friends with the ex-wife on FB, (we are not) and might be the nosiest person EVER, and so tells us all this stuff, regardless of how often we tell her we don't want to hear it. My husband (and some of his siblings, actually, too) has gotten quite forceful with his mother in this regard, and still - she just is incapable, so we've ultimately let it go. Not worth the battle anymore. So even if Lauren stops reading the blog, that doesn't mean she won't hear about it.

I think the hardest part about this isn't the practical "what do I do", but instead the "how this makes me feel". Personally, Lauren, when this happens to me, it makes me feel like I don't count. Like my role in her child's life doesn't exist. I want to tell everyone that SHE IS WRONG.

So what does that say about me? Apparently I have some insecurities :) And the best way I deal with it is to repeat to myself, over and over, that it is more important to be kind than to be right. And if she weren't his ex-wife, I couldn't be his current wife. And that the child LOVES us, is happy, is healthy and that's really all that matters.

My husband, interestingly enough, just thinks the whole thing proves (as she often does), why he wanted this divorce in the first place. And that if this is what she needs (i.e., putting on this solo face super-mom crap to the world), for whatever reason, then go for it. Men! :)

It sucks though, Lauren - it's just very hard not to be acknowledged when you hold a very important role in someone's life whom you love so very much. My only assvice is stop reading the blog, so you can remove yourself as much as possible, and repeat to yourself that it doesn't matter who is "right". It sucks, but I think it's all you can do - sort of fake it until you make it. Myself, I'm still trying, and it's been almost four years, but it is a lot better than it was, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

Good luck! Your kids are lucky to have you

[Latte]

If the blog is inspiring so much insecurity in Lauren then the deeper problem is the insecurity and need for validation from someone else. Whether it's a blog, Facebook posting or offhand comment Lauren will have to get to the root of the problem. The blog is distracting Lauren from addressing that problem and simply reinforcing the insecurities.

[Shannon]

I'm coming at this from a different standpoint, because I am a grown adult and my parents divorced when I was a child. My dad WILL NOT ever mention the fact that he was married to my mom, which is hard because, HELLO?!, I am living proof here. When I was pregnant he wrote me a card with my own birth story, and managed to never once mention my mom in it, which takes some mad skills, considering she was the one birthing me.

I mention this not to make it all about me, but to say I understand how it is when one parent acts like the other parent doesn't exist. Once you've had kids together, you just can't ignore the person's existence. That person is always going to be in your life.

However, maybe there's something about the medium of a blog that just lends itself to omitting certain stories. I mean, we all pick and choose what we put online for everybody to see. Maybe the ex is just writing a "highlights of the week" post, which by definition may not include events she was not present for (that is, events where the kids were with Lauren). I think the fact that Lauren takes offense at her omission from the blog is, as others have said, indicative of a larger issue going on. Which may be an entirely legitimate issue, so I'm not saying Lauren's feelings are invalid or anything like that.

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