The energy shift of parenting a burgeoning tween

I am excited to announce that I'll be doing a free teleseminar hosted by Meggin McIntosh on November 8, entitled "Packing Lunches = Supply Chain Management: Leveraging The Skills You've Developed As A Parent To Excel In Your Career." I'll be talking about making all those things we know and do without thinking now as parents explicit in the workplace so they're assets. Sign up to listen in live or listen to the mp3 of the call when you have the chance.

I was having one of our bi-weekly coffee-and-talk-about-the-kids sessions with my ex-husband this morning, and one of the thing that came up was how our older son's friendships are changing and social rules are developing as he gets closer to being a tween (he's in fifth grade). Our son's teacher had talked about that at Curriculum Night, that this year is a transition year and some kids can have a hard time with shifting allegiances and rules that seem to change from week to week.

I am finding this radically easier to deal with than the social issues of little kids (hitting, stealing toys, sharing, etc.) and have realized that this is because it's about being able to verbalize the process and help my son talk and think about what his own boundaries are, what his expectations for friendship are (from his friends and from himself), and just generally helping him through a process of analysis and evaluation.

Is anyone else finding this easier than they thought it would be? It feels like everything in the popular culture predicts absolute doom as kids turn into tweens, so I'd been bracing myself for difficulty and not being able to handle it, but the shift is happening and it feels like something I can actually do.

Am I the only one? Or are others of you finding this energy shift into tweenhood a welcome one?

Comments

[Spacemom]

This is easy, but I think it is because we've always kept a very open line of communication with our kids. Now, the 3rd grader, I want to strangle, but the 5th grader was like that 2 years ago..

I think because my kid is a geek, she already has established her role and her friends aren't shifting all that much, but as you found, being open to discussion and explaining how you went through it and validating his feeling is a huge factor in making this easier.

[Kathy_B]

I kept waiting for "those terrible teen years where you and your kid(s) are mortal enemies" stage. It never came. Don't know if it was superior parenting on my part (ahem -yeah, right) or just the fact that I had an exceptionally flexible child who knew how NOT to piss me off! I considered myself very lucky.

[Rbelle]

Well, I certainly hope this is true, because the hitting, stealing toys, sharing, etc. issues make me want to be a hermit. I get a sinking feeling every time there are other kids at the park because my daughter is at exactly this age where I need to take her out for the stimulation, but I have to be vigilant every. single. minute. and it's exhausting. But as a highly introverted navel-gazer, I can see having long conversations about social dynamics being much more in my wheelhouse.

[hedra]

I hit a hard wall with one isse with Mr G (see my blog latest post), but the actual handling, discussion, working on it over time? Much easier to deal with. We had not had this earlier in his life (before high school) perhaps because he was a geek and his roles and relationships were stable, and also because there is little tolerance at his old school for even subtle cr*p, so ... eh, no big deals before.

NOW, though, he is in a massive public school, and the issues that we might have hit before are hitting now, and he has no skills for any of it. He picks up faster, now, though - so when we conversed about 'grooming for emotional/social control' (the high school equivalent of behaviors used by predators on younger kids), he did immediately get it, and could spot it fairly quickly.

Still and all, much less frustrating than hitting and pinching and screaming, from the parental side. Verbalizing capability is one thing, and the speed of absorption of the verbal is the other half. Yes, much easier. And yes, having kept the conversation open and ongoing, also much easier. The day-to-day is much much easier, with the intense instances separated more.

[Celeste]

It's definitely easier. The toddlers and preschoolers are just so relentless with their issues. They also don't have great memories yet or the ability to be by themselves and work anything out. They are constantly coming to you to do something for them. Bigger kids don't want Mommy doing everything. They want to do it themselves, and that includes handle their social issues. Also, a ten will actually hear you when you give them some concrete reasons for why something needs to be done a certain way; they want to succeed socially. Their biggest love right now is to decide, and that means asking them what they think, what they would like to see happen, and what their ideas are on how it can be done. I actually like watching the consideration process. Compare and contrast with a much less verbal child who just refuses to do something...heck yeah it's easier!

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