We in the US (and you bystanders watching this trainwreck from Canada) have yet another Presidential debate tonight, so in the interest of some levity and non-political talk, let's share stories on the topic of:
Strange things that have happened when you first tried to get back to having sex post-baby.
(Yes, to the person who tweeted me on this topic, this is for you.)
I'll start:
(Let me just mention how strange it is to be talking about having sex with someone I haven't considered having sex with in years.)
My older son was some number of weeks old (7? 8? maybe) and I'd screwed up my courage and we were going to try it, and the baby was asleep but we were paranoid that he was going to wake up, so we ahd the baby monitor in the same room with us. And just as we were starting to attempt it, this loud male voice came over the monitor as clear as day, asking what we were doing!
Of course the explanation was that our monitor was picking up our neighbor's cordless phone conversation in which he called a friend and asked what the friend was doing. But. Mood lost, and I was so traumatized I'm amazed I had a second child.
Now you go.
Ahem...annoying eupehmisms to follow because "down there" and whatnot is approrpaite language for an unembarassed adult woman to use.
My ob gave me two words: inebriate and lubricate.
I'll add to phrases to that. lamaze breathing (finally, it's good for something) and low expectations.
I only had babies via c-section so I doubt this is generally applicable since there was no trauma in the down there area...however, lack of use (6 weeks post-birth avoidance plus 20-ish weeks prior to birth of pelvic rest) caused the region to atrophy and, ahem, tighten up. Lamaze breathing. And low expectations for enjoyment. Even 7 months post-birth now, I don't so much enjoy it as make sure I engage in it at least once every few weeks to make sure everything doesn't seize up. But each time is like the first time, so I guess we're rekindling something.
Posted by: SarcastiCarrie | October 22, 2012 at 12:29 PM
Came home from the hospital with a hormone rush that left hubby well tended to (both of us were pleasantly surprised). Then when we finally tried again ... wait ... I don't really remember that - although I'm sure we did and he was generally VERY noise worried.
Kiddo was about 3 when I finally started to resemble my former sexual self. Until then it was mainly obligatory most of the time.
Posted by: Not My Real Name | October 22, 2012 at 12:38 PM
The first and second babies are a blur. But I do remember with our third that by 4 weeks my husband was getting antsy. I had had a very smooth and easy delivery and was healed up quickly. I was just exhausted. I remember him asking me I I needed a nap or how long I needed to recover. I told him I was fine, but I didn't want to move the sleeping baby which was on our main floor in one of those big honking swings. I told him that I wanted the baby to come upstairs so I could hear him if he needed me (not sure where the monitor was?!?) and he picked up the whole swing with the baby in it an everything and carried it upstairs and set him up right outside our bedroom door. It totally made me laugh. I will never forget him trying to get that swing up the stairs with the baby in it without waking him up.
Posted by: Linda | October 22, 2012 at 12:40 PM
Wait, we're supposed to have sex AFTER the baby's born? Hahahahaha. #notjoking
Posted by: anoooon | October 22, 2012 at 12:43 PM
I wish I had a funny story, but I want to share my "no big deal" story in the hopes it would help someone else! I had a bunch of really serious problems after birth, requiring several surgeries. It was truly heart-and-soul breaking for a full year and a half. We couldn't have sex all that time, though we did attempt a few non-intercourse activities on occasion. (Nothing like pain and anxiety about your crotch to put you out of the mood, though.)
Anyway, when we finally did have sex it turned out to be a total non-issue. Yeah I was nervous, but I consider myself very fortunate that all the bits and pieces were still working. I had a decent amount of natural lubrication, I was still able to get just as aroused as before, and while things were a little painful for a while, it wasn't the excruciating pain I feared.
I know my whole situation was out of the ordinary, but I just wanted to share that you really can't know the outcome beforehand. It won't necessarily be horrible though!
Posted by: Jen | October 22, 2012 at 12:43 PM
Funny things:
1. Baby was sleeping in our bed, so we would have sex on the crib mattress on the floor of the living room.
2. Baby sat in bouncy seat playing with toys while we had a quickie.
3. Later, when baby was crawling, sometimes we'd set out some toys and have sex on the living room floor right in front of her. We referred to this as "jungle style." (I will never forget the time I was on my hands and knees, my husband behind me, and I turned the pages of a board book.)
Posted by: Julie | October 22, 2012 at 12:49 PM
I'm with anoooon. Julie - that's bold! And dedicated!
Posted by: anooooooooooooooon | October 22, 2012 at 12:53 PM
I was going to skip commenting today because my experience was not really noteworthy, but I will share in the hopes that it tempers the fear that other stories here might cause. The rush of hormones made me want to get back in the saddle as quickly as possible. And my husband was so in love with me. Becoming parents made us feel like teenagers again, and not having easy access made my husband particularly frisky. He was so gentle and timid, and made sure I knew there was no pressure. We did other things almost immediately, because, like I said, we felt like we were 16 again. With my first we actually had intercourse at 2 weeks I think. That was maybe too soon. It was scary, but turned out OK. With our second we waited until 3 weeks. That was better.
I had easy pregnancies and easy deliveries, and didn't breastfeed for physical reasons. So my situation isn't universal. But that wash of hormones, that flush of love we felt for our boys and for each other! It was so intensely wonderful. The act itself was a little uncomfortable, but we really wanted to express that love physically. I know it is corny and silly, but those two times are probably the most exquisite experiences I have had in my life.
Posted by: eep | October 22, 2012 at 12:55 PM
Oh, I would say it was at 3 months, and not very regularly for a while after that. I had ripped BAD during birth, so sex hurt for a while. I had to relax, which was almost impossiable to do. And lube, lots of lube.
It took at least a year for our sex life to return to somewhat normal. And still if a position is wrong it'll hurt. Sometimes I wonder if c-section would have been better for our sex life.
Baby was in another room from about 6 weeks and mostly a pretty good sleeper, so that was never an issue.
I just feel like its about being open and finding anew type of intimicy that fits boths partners needs.
Posted by: Jamie | October 22, 2012 at 12:57 PM
I'll second the hormones and the serious love we had for each other, but my first back-in-the-saddle experience wasn't quite so...magical. Here's something I didn't know about post-baby sex: orgasm triggers the let-down reflex. And since my breasts were still at that engorged stage -- well, just when things were getting really good, I squirted my husband in the face.
Posted by: abi | October 22, 2012 at 01:02 PM
@Moxie - Hilarious baby monitor story. The speaker could have been a ghost! Love it.
For many, many weeks postpartum it was oral sex only night at Casa Hush. We finally went for it about 2 months out (after vaginal delivery with 2nd-ish degree tears that didn't hurt much). Lubricant is awesome. I was terrified of getting pregnant again right away, which put a damper on things.
It took well over a year after our second baby for things to finally get back to normal in the sex department.
Posted by: hush | October 22, 2012 at 01:11 PM
Dd1's birth was emotionally traumatic for me and the aftermath was physical torture. I had a bad tear that was badly sewn and healed up crooked, I had horrible, horrible (like, pass out while pooping) hemorrhoids, and a clot the size of a grapefruit that triggered my PTSD from the birth.
So, at 6 weeks when we tentatively tried intercourse, it was excruciating. I can count on one hand the number of times we engaged in intercourse in her first year. I was so tensed up - totally unable to relax.
It took a long time for our sex life to become normal; probably about 2.5 years. My husband actually wept when I started initiating things again. He confessed, "I'd almost given up hope."
After #2 was born, we waited the customary 6 weeks and hopped in the sack. Thanks to the re-tearing of my old scar tissue and my decision to have it heal naturally (it didn't ever really reconnect), our first sexual encounter was PAIN FREE. I was shocked, amazed! I emailed my best friend: "We just had sex and IT DIDN'T HURT!!!!" lol
All that said, my libido is not what it was pre-childbearing. I've been chronically sleep deprived and either pregnant or breastfeeding (or both!) for the last 7 years.
It takes a while for me to warm up to the idea of sex when that time could be better spent sleeping. Or not being incessantly touched and grabbed and NEEDED at for a few minutes. ;)
But sex is wonderful and I need it far more than my resistance allows me to see. I'm thankful for my patient and persistent husband who knows this about me, and who pursues me despite my apparent lack of interest. :)
Posted by: Glory | October 22, 2012 at 01:19 PM
This is extremely topical for me because I decided this weekend that we need to have sex again (it's been 8 months since baby was born, and most of pregnancy) for the sake of our marriage! We've tried condoms but it's sharply painful for me, and I don't want to do IUD or the pill, so I'm feeling a bit stuck. Family planning doesn't work unless you're asleep a full 3 hours before you wake to take your temp, and THAT isn't happening (plus I couldn't let the baby cry while using the thermometer).
Are there any other options? Has anyone else had pain with condoms?
Posted by: nicho | October 22, 2012 at 01:26 PM
A few months after birth, I had my annual OBGYN appointment. She took one look and said, "You look like a menopausal woman down here!" A few doses of estrogen cream did the trick, that and using lube which we had been doing anyway.
Note that breast-feeding was part of the problem, but I wasn't about to give that up--and estrogen cream down there is safe during breast-feeding.
Posted by: Anon | October 22, 2012 at 01:44 PM
I can't handle hormonal birth control and find I get little tears with condoms (no matter how much lubrication) that make the next time we do it painful. We stick with withdrawal and/or a diaphragm, knowing that neither are quite as reliable as hormonal methods.
Posted by: kate | October 22, 2012 at 01:49 PM
Nicho, I think a lot of people need extra lubrication with condoms. May be worth a try if you haven't already?
My sex situation is depressing. We had sex very soon after coming home with the baby, and I think that may have been the last time in almost three years where I was totally into it and lustful and having fun.
Since then, it's been varying degrees of obligatory for me. We have a couple of life stresses (grad school, etc) and I'm still breastfeeding, so I'm hoping that when I wean and maybe life calms down a bit, I'll discover that I'm still a sexual person inside. Please? Please? I try to have a good attitude about marriage-maintenance sex (and I love my husband and find him very handsome, and we have a genuinely really great relationship) but boy... it gets old. I just want to be the same (sorry) horny lady I once was!
Yikes. I'm sorry to be such a downer!
Posted by: Cordy | October 22, 2012 at 01:50 PM
Anybody else read Catherine Newman? One of my favorite pieces of writing of hers suggests that instead of 6 weeks, the accepted medical recovery period for sex after baby should be two years. That way if you're not feeling it, doctor's advice has you covered, and if you ARE feeling it, you can feel a little naughty and sneaky.
I could use it. 12 months after the birth of our second, I'm still up 1-3 times at night, plus we're living with my parents while DH does a weekly commute for grad school and I'm working full time. Marriage-maintenance sex is happening, but my attitude about it is not good.
Do everyone else's husbands seem to get that this is normal, or at least not completely bizarre? I feel like mine thinks I'm the only exhausted partner in the world who doesn't want to have sex - as if it's either something wrong with him or something wrong with me - which considerably ups my stress level, which doesn't do much for the ol' libido. Lately, on the nights that he's home and the baby DOES happen to sleep for more than a 3-hour stretch, he's taken to waking me up for a midnight quickie. SERIOUSLY?
Posted by: Sarah W | October 22, 2012 at 02:05 PM
My kids are 3 and 6 now, so I have to really think back to when they were infants. I do remember being absolutely TERRIFIED of getting pregnant again quickly...DS #1 was a terribly colicky baby. I took the breastfeeding-safe birth control pills, but I didn't really trust that they were working.
Having 2 terrible sleepers and nursing for years didn't make me want to be touched much at all. In fact, my feelings about my breasts may have changed for good (although the 3-year-old is still nursing, so maybe once she stops I'll go back to wanting to have them touched).
What I've learned in the past 6 years is how utterly vital sex is in a marriage (or at least, in MY marriage). If we go more than a few days, something feels off. We start misunderstanding each other, the kids get on our nerves more, etc. My DH may intellectually know we're not having sex because I've been sick or we're both tired, etc., but in his heart he feels that it's because I no longer desire him.
I thought men's sex drives were supposed to diminish after their 20s?? I think my husband's has increased every year we've been together!
Posted by: meggiemoo | October 22, 2012 at 02:41 PM
Son just turned 2 and though it isn't usually painful, there are positions/times when it is uncomfortable. For a looong time it felt like my perineum would never be the same. I think it takes our bodies a lot longer than conventional wisdom dictates to heal and go back to a new normal (did that make sense?)
HAHA @Julie, us too, holy crap. Exactly the same. Crib mattress on the living room floor. Couch not wide enough for hubby's comfort!!! LOL! But I was way too paranoid (still am) to have sex in front of the kiddo. And I second Glory: "Or not being incessantly touched and grabbed and NEEDED at for a few minutes." Still nursing my son who doesn't have to be held constantly anymore but there are still (relatively) constant physical demands on me. My husband is wonderfully patient, which I appreciate, but am sad that I never really experienced the sexy feelings some women have during pregnancy, etc. Still sleep deprived here too (cosleeping; very tall toddler son wakes up every few hours every night still, and always has). At least these days I can remember my name, phone numbers, and generally form coherent sentences.
Posted by: Vacationland Mom | October 22, 2012 at 02:49 PM
4 weeks AH HA HA HA HA HA. My spouse would have been thrilled with four MONTHS but what actually happened the first time... I don't even remember... but it was like 6 or 8 months the second time. Most breastfeeding problems in EVER (seriously, I've been on antibiotics for five months and the kid is only a year old) and one of them gives me migraines and the spouse is applying for jobs and super stressed and nobody's feeling it here. I feel a little guilty but I have almost ZERO desire even when I get enough sleep. I just want nobody to be touching me!
Posted by: Also Anon | October 22, 2012 at 03:03 PM
I had a minor tear during a fast, fist-by-the-head delivery, so I was told no sex for the usual six weeks. We had had great sex during pregnancy and in all other aspects the delivery was easy and I was feeling exhausted but good. (I like tired quickies, they're totally different from all the time in the world sex but I find them one of the sweet things about marriage.) Anyway I felt interested starting around 3 weeks but followed instructions. Then when I went for my 6-week checkup, the midwife asked if I'd done the deed yet and I said "no, I was told not to" and she said "oh, are you some kind of goody-goody firstborn child or something?" - which, yes, but why give me instructions you don't expect me to follow?
Anyway, went straight home, and that evening we put the sleeping baby in her car seat at the foot of the bed and went for it. With a certain amount of "is she awake omg". It wasn't uncomfortable, but my body had definitely changed and my responses weren't all the same. I was happy about it though. We used condoms that time and until I got my IUD when Mouse was 10 weeks old. For the first year or so, we didn't manage more than every 2-3 weeks (I got my period back at 3 months with a baby who nursed 8 hours a day as well, so that was a hassle too). Anyway, then at some point we adjusted to the new tired-parent normal, which is happy if not super creative sex happens most weeks, and really great sex happens when the stress level relents or on vacation.
Posted by: Charisse | October 22, 2012 at 03:23 PM
Sarah W: I couldn't agree with you more.
My husband and I had sex regularly while I was pregnant, up until maybe the day before I went into labor, but it's been five months post-baby and sex is pretty much the last thing on my mind. PPD combined with sleep deprivation and just generally being touched out makes me not want to even think about having sex for another year. Thankfully, my husband has been super understanding about it, though he admits that he does miss it. I honestly don't really miss it at all, but maybe that's just the depression talking. My body doesn't feel like it belongs to me anymore.
Posted by: Lily | October 22, 2012 at 03:50 PM
I'm in the same boat the same as Cordy. We very rarely have sex, and I actually dread it, despite being attracted to my husband. After #1 we had sex very sporatically for the first year (colicky, terrible sleeper), then a bit more, then there was 9 months of awful "trying" sex for #2 (another terrible sleeper...I can really spawn 'em). Now the "baby" is 2.5 and sleeps okay (and is fully weaned AT LAST), but our sex life has not gotten back on track. I feel zero interest, and guilty about that, but during the act I'm literally looking at the clock and waiting for him to finish. Anyone else?
Posted by: where did it go? | October 22, 2012 at 04:31 PM
I had pretty bad tears after DS - we didn't have sex until about 7 months PP. It was painful the first few months and I had no libido. With DD, we hopped back to it 4 months PP. It was mostly good. DD is now almost 2yo and our sex life is the best it has ever been - frequently, spontaneous, and adventurous. I couldn't be more surprised (and if you had asked me after having DS, I would NEVER have predicted this outcome).
I am amazed by the number of people who have sex within the first 6 - 8 weeks PP.
Posted by: Jac | October 22, 2012 at 04:34 PM
Zero interest, looking at the clock, waiting for him to finish RIGHT HERE. It,s not related to childbirth (our youngest is 4), but just the same, I'm totally disconnected from it. We have significant issues in this area, so I know full well why it's happening, but wanted to put it out there unless anyone else is feeling like the only person in the world who is not feeling it, even, perhaps, dreading it.
Posted by: Not feeling it | October 22, 2012 at 04:41 PM
Where did it go: oh god, you're all weaned and still nothing? That fills me with despair. I've been hoping so much that once the kid weans things will improve.
And I very much relate to zero interest and clock-watching and being annoyed that he isn't done yet. I hate these feelings!
I have read a couple of books about mismatched-libido partnerships that were totally unhelpful... a lot of "just do it, you'll get turned on if you stop fighting it" advice. That is not really true, in my fairly copious experience. What actually happens is that I feel physically uncomfortable and emotionally upset as the man I love so dearly has sex, and I struggle not to show how not into it I am. Pre-kid, I did not feel like we had mismatched libidos. I always felt like I had a healthy interest in sex and a healthy libido and like sex was fun, even when it was only okay sex. And now I feel none of those things. Did motherhood break me?
Posted by: Cordy | October 22, 2012 at 04:52 PM
You know, I kinda dread it at the outset (the whole feeling touched-out thing), but I end up getting into it by the end.
What really makes frequent sex worth it to me is my husband's happiness quotient. It is VITAL for his emotional health, and I think women are sometimes too quick to discount sex in that way. We tend to think of heart-to-heart talks as the emotional bonding time, but for my man, at least, it is the sex that first opens him up to his heart, and to sharing it with me.
Also, a happily sexed man is way more willingly helpful around the house. ;)
Also? If you are actually cringing at the thought of being touched, start perfecting the art of the BJ. It's a great excuse to keep your clothes on *and* your man fulfilled. Win-win.
Posted by: Glory | October 22, 2012 at 04:53 PM
@Cordy, Amen, sister! I feel like I am NEEDED 24/7 and only get a real break when I'm at my office, which I get to go to only 16 hours per week, since we've scaled back on paying for daycare. I actually start to feel resentful when my husband asks for more...whatever -- back rubs, cuddling, sex -- whatever. It all feels obligatory to me right now. But I have an unspoken rule that I will not let the marriage go for more than two weeks without sex. And I am 100% confident that we'll find our way back to each other soon (6-12 months, after my youngest turns 1yo).
@Nicho, my husband got a vasectomy this summer. Until then, we used contraceptive foam and lubricant beads in addition to regular lubricant.
@Sarah W., waking you up in the middle of the night!? If my husband did that to me, we would need a serious "state of the union" discussion the next morning. Waking me up to have sex would not be okay.
Do you have a daycare or babysitting situation that would allow you and your husband to schedule a quickie in the middle of the day sometimes? That is what works for me and my husband. We have quickies in the middle of the day if/when both kids are napping and we line up babysitting if we go too long without a midday rendez-vous. I'm simply too tired to get in the mood just before bed and our 4yo wakes us up WAY too early for morning encounters. Plus, the slight nervousness that our preschooler will interrupt us (which he has) spices everything up quite nicely!
Posted by: AF | October 22, 2012 at 04:59 PM
DS is almost 2. My husband and I didn't have the most active sex life before I got pregnant and it has been almost non-existent since. I can count on one hand the number of times we've had sex in the past 2.5 years. And those times were not enjoyable for me. Knowing that we're not even having "marriage maintenance sex" stresses me out, which makes me even less interested. My desire is at zero. My husband used to make advances, but he's stopped (and who can blame him), which feels like a blessing as much as a curse.
For the first two years or so I chalked it up to pregnancy and early motherhood. I thought it would get better once the baby came out and I had my body back. Then I thought it would get better when I started sleeping more. When I stopped pumping. When I stopped nursing. When the nursing hormones dissipated. When, when, when. I'm out of whens. And I still don't feel like doing it.
Posted by: Not feeling it either | October 22, 2012 at 05:02 PM
I have given many oral pleasures. It is a little better, but not that much.
What really bothers me about all of this is how upset I feel during those sexual moments, when I am forcing myself to do sexual things I very strongly do not want to do. There have been a couple of times when I was basically crying, that's how much I did not want to be having sex, and how ...violated I felt. How much my heart and body was just rejecting the idea of intercourse.
It's another reason I really dislike the way women get lectured to just do it already... I get it, my husband needs sex. But how to balance his need for sex, and my needs for bodily integrity and being authentically present in my body instead of shutting down and cringing? I personally feel like it's this high-wire balancing act between having sex I don't want to have in order to maintain our married relationship, and between my own... oh, gosh. I don't know how to put this. It touches on really uncomfortable feelings of forced sexual interaction. I do not want to have feelings of "This man made me have sex I didn't want to have!" folded into my feelings about my husband. That seems so powerfully unhealthy to me over the long haul.
It's hard to know what to do. My husband and I do talk about this stuff, but I feel like at this point, I've come up with all the ideas I can come up with. And I still feel basically sexually switched off. Like I just don't HAVE those feelings, not really.
All of that said, I do totally just go ahead and have sex - I try very hard to be open-hearted and generous and kind to my husband. We have more sex than many people with young children. But it's rough. And boy, I hope it changes.
Posted by: Cordy | October 22, 2012 at 05:04 PM
Cordy, me too.
I love my husband so much... and I am having so much trouble enjoying sex. For a long time, I thought it would get better when *something* changed. And I've systematically tried everything I could think of. I weaned before I otherwise would have. I've changed birth control. I use lubricant like I own stock. My kid sleeps through the night (so it's not about being tired). She's a toddler now (so it's not like we're still in new parent mode).
And I still feel sexually switched off. I have NO desire or libido of my own. NONE. But I love my husband and try very hard to just go ahead and have sex. He never pressures me, but I know how hurt he is. I am so scared that I will never be sexual again.
Posted by: anon for this one | October 22, 2012 at 05:24 PM
Sorry, I don't mean to be dominating these comments, but I didn't want to dump all my despair in here without at least a touch of hope, hahah. I just googled "motherhood killed my sex drive" and found this simultaneously pretty obvious but also good to read advice: http://www.mops.org/page.php?pageid=105
I definitely feel like so much of this applies in my house. We are so stressed and so much a team working on our various intense life projects right now that I think we almost never look at each other as PEOPLE, not just The Other Parent.
Plus, I know this doesn't happen to everyone, but I do feel like becoming a mother has totally exploded my sense of who I am as a woman separate from that. I feel like I am:
*a mother
*a person trying to maintain my writing career in the tiny pockets of time left
*a partner in a small business called LIFE/MARRIAGE/PARENTING CO with my husband
I don't feel flirtatious or sexy or really like a person who is sexual. And I don't know how to get those feelings back without making big life changes that are not feasible right now. I hope that by being willing to be authentic with myself and my spouse about these things, I'm at least laying the groundwork for things to change back again as life keeps evolving.
But my goodness, you ladies who are totally still into the sex, I am SO JEALOUS of you, there are no words! I raise a cup of coffee to your mojo! :)
Posted by: Cordy | October 22, 2012 at 05:26 PM
Me too. Not feeling into it but being ok by the end, husband's sex drive is increasing each year, dried out vajajay, just wanting no one to need me for a minute. I would love to curl up with my husband and watch a movie or snuggle while falling asleep but unfortunately any sort of touch like that without sex makes him sexually frustrated. So I am left with no touch at all unless I have sex. I'm trying to get better at hand jobs.
What is the solution ladies? I'm feeling pretty hopeless.
Posted by: Punky | October 22, 2012 at 05:27 PM
I think it was probably 6-9 months after I stopped breastfeeding until sex was really back to normal. With each baby, I had tearing (level 2), so I was uncomfortable for a while, and combined with being touched out, it was probably 4-6 months until we even tried to have sex and then it was probably until each baby was a year old that it became remotely fun again.
Comedy - both my kids slept with us for varying amounts of time (9 months to 4.75 loooooong years), so we have, on more than one occasion, left a sleeping baby on the floor of the living room to go have sex in our own bed like it was some kind of novelty. We've also had sex in the guest room, the baby's room, on the sofa and in the playroom... Preschool is the best for quickie daytime sex and I agree with Charisse about quickies.
None of that even comes close to the voice over the monitor, Magda. I almost had tea come out my nose reading that.
Posted by: Anon today | October 22, 2012 at 05:43 PM
We never had any physical problems with sex after babies, despite significant tearing, but I did have zero sex drive after the second, whom I breastfed (didn't bf the first). And I am the person with the stronger sex drive in our marriage. I told my husband that I was fine doing it if he wanted to initiate it, but that he shouldn't expect me to be the one to suggest it, cause I just wasn't feeling it. We got back into it gradually.
But then around nine months we stopped breastfeeding and holy cow, I was a maniac. To the point where I started developing crushes on other men. Luckily I channeled all that lust right back into my marriage and never did anything inappropriate, but jeez, it was nuts. I felt pretty out of control and developed some sympathy for adulterers.
Now I'm 28 weeks with no. 3 and no. 2 is not sleeping well, so again I'm not too interested, but I know I need it to stay sane so we try to do it once a week or so.
My sympathy to those who are in a long "not feeling it" phase. Hope it is hormonal/sleep deprivation-related and passes with some more time.
Posted by: CG | October 22, 2012 at 06:01 PM
Moxie, I don't know how you do it. Every time I think I am alone with some sort of parenting/relationship issue, up pops the exact topic that has been weighing on me. Thanks to your readers for sharing so much, and letting me know that I am not alone.
We have two kids - a little over three and a little over 1. I stopped bfing, so at least the boobs aren't so much of an issue now, but we really only have sex when I'm ovulating. (Yeah, we/I want to have another kid) Silver lining is that I occasionally feel horny when I am ovulating, so it isn't soooo bad...
However, I do feel guilty about my lack of desire for sex, and the lack of desire for my husband. Parenting does seem more like a job at times, and I just don't have the same kind of desire to hit up this co-worker. Also, the demands of this job lead to so many unsexy things... like pooping with the door open and showering with the entire family watching.
Thankfully, my husband is a wonderful father and provider. I just pray that he feels that I am enough of a mother to put up with me not being much of a wife.
Posted by: employed by toddlers | October 22, 2012 at 06:19 PM
Cordy, can I have you over, so we can have coffee or wine or whatever and I (and hopefully you) can feel like normal people? You've described my situation to a T, although my sex drive was on the fritz long before we had kids. I so don't want to associate unwanted sexual experiences with my husband (obviously), but whenever I try to talk about my concerns with anyone (which is admittedly not often), it feels like the only advice I receive is "just do it because you need to keep your man happy." I don't have any kind of a grudge against keeping him happy, as it were, but when it involves me feeling really horrible about my body or, well, used, it really, really sucks.
Anyway. I'm 4 months postpartum now, and sex is nearly non-existent. When it has happened, it's mostly been on the floor in the (finished) basement (on blankets), while the babe sleeps in our room in the pack-n-play. However, she just moved to the crib across the hall, so who knows, maybe things will feel more normal if we can do it in our own bed again.
It sounds like I'm not the only one with birth control questions/problems. I can't do hormonal birth control because it makes my blood pressure crazy. I'm not thrilled about a copper IUD, but could potentially go that route. Husband wants a vasectomy, but I'm not feeling all that ready to have things be final, final. He hates condoms, so where does that leave us? Oh yeah, not having much sex. Sigh.
Posted by: Anon Today | October 22, 2012 at 07:00 PM
@Cordy, you may have tried this already, but the only times I have ever been really into sex since my daughter was born have been after reading sex scenes in romance novels. People have been mocking the 50 Shades of Gray "phenomenon" a lot, and probably with good reason since I hear the books are horribly written. BUT. There's a reason it's catching on with moms and "housewives" (ugh)and as belittling as the media coverage has been, I really wish someone would acknowledge that erotica for women, or even just well-written romance with sex in it, can be extremely effective for getting women in the mood. Moms in my playgroup have read it and reported an increase in "activity," and reading about sex has always worked best for me over almost anything to increase my libido. I am someone who has trouble getting turned on by "just doing it," too, so maybe that will help others of you who find it's just not coming back. I'll also mention that for me, the end of the day is the WORST possible time to have sex (although it's when we do it most). I am pretty much DONE by bedtime, and I'd like to shift things up a bit so that we can do it more when the baby is napping or in the earlier hours of the morning. Unfortunately, that's when I work, so ...
And now for something not at all sexy ... tell me I'm not the only one who has discovered an increase in ... um ... let's go with "noises down there during sex" since pushing a head the size of a melon out my nethers. It doesn't seem to bother my husband, but boy does it kill the mood for me.
Posted by: Rbelle | October 22, 2012 at 07:25 PM
I've always had low-ish libido compared to my husband, and breastfeeding just took the rest of it right away. I think we did the "wait 6 weeks" thing...I had c-sections so there wasn't any tearing or annything. But it was definitely "marriage maintenance sex" on my part for a good part of the first year after each child.
What little desire I had did come back after I stopped breastfeeding, after both children. But 3.5 years after the last pumping/BF attempt, my nipples are still supersensitive to touch in an unpleasant way. So, what I used to enjoy as foreplay has changed...once in a while the girls feel up to some caresses, but most often I'm wincing. :(
But here's something I heard recently...on a DVD we borrowed from church called "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage"...The speaker (Mark Gungor) said that in his experience talking to couples about sex, many women do not experience arousal/desire before foreplay/sex, which is why they tend not to initiate. But they often do get into it, and are often highly sexual--but think they are not because they've been told that arousal comes first. I practically put a bruise in my husband's arm with my elbow, because that's me!
So I guess, yes, I start out 90% of the time not interested but also not opposed, but rarely do I fail to have fun eventually. ;)
Posted by: No name for this | October 22, 2012 at 07:38 PM
@Jenny F. Scientist, PhD I was happy to see at least one post about someone 'flicking' their baby after a bite. I'd heard that was the standard way to do it b/c babies can't understand other commands at such a young age. But when I read post after post about people not mentioning the 'flick' I began to perspire, thinking I was actually being abusive! (I'm staunchly against corporal punishment and just saw the 'flick' as a kind of behavioral modification technique).
Anyway, little guy bit me the first time at 8 mos and I quickly tapped him brusquely on the temple. He was startled but not upset, as though he thought a bird had dropped something on his head. He went back to nursing and has nipped me a few times since, but nothing nearly as bad as the first time.
Are other mommies against the 'flick'? I wish I'd thought harder about what I'd do before it happened!
Posted by: nicho | October 22, 2012 at 08:31 PM
First vaginal orgasm from intercourse alone. And, if memory serves, last.
Posted by: MomPlusKid | October 22, 2012 at 08:57 PM
Those who are having trouble "feeling it", I have definitely been there. I hear you saying you want to want to, which is great. Have you tried any (or all) of the following:
- sex toys. There are all kinds of vibrators out there, and many women (me included) can't orgasm through intercourse without some help. Having an orgasm when you have sex with your husband is a totally different experience than just waiting for him to get off while you feel nothing!
- porn. There is lots of "sex-positive" porn out there, meaning porn produced by women, for women. It shows positive images of women and is very sexy.
- exercise. Yeah, I know, when you have small children, exercise is usually the first thing to go, but working up a sweat on a regular basis will definitely improve your sex life.
- get your hormone levels checked. Women have testosterone, too, and if your's is too low, your libido will suffer.
Maybe I can give some hope? My sex life is better now than it has been in a very long time. We're trying new things we never used to, and it's really great.
Posted by: meggiemoo | October 22, 2012 at 09:01 PM
I don't remember the first time after birth, but I know it wasn't as soon as my husband wanted it, which is odd, because I'm the one with the libido in this marriage. (I often fear I'm the only woman in this position.) My husband had sex on the mind because he was trying to be conscientious about doing his part. Naturally the one time he did that would be about a week or two after the birth.
Someone -- the labor instructor, the breastfeeding instructor, who knows now -- told a whole group of pregnant couples that we WOULD need lube, and thank god for that: everything was different down there and stayed different until I had my Mirena out a few months ago (and I'm still adjusting). It was a drastic change, as I always had copious natural lube before, and now sometimes need the stuff from a bottle just to walk around comfortably. I've got my eye on the Mirena as potentially complicating my sex life for the last 4 and a half years without my realizing it; that's a switch from having loved it so much I practically proselytized.
What I miss about pre-child sex is weekends when you didn't have to get out of bed until you wanted to. There was just a whole lot of leisure before, and that nurtured our sex life. Now, I'm charting my fertility signs because the chances of us having enough sex to conceive by happy accident are nil. We're just too tired, and at almost 5, our kid still keeps us too busy. The upside is that, while my husband usually decides against sex because of anxiety over not being into it enough to have some kind of idealized version, now he's perfectly willing to put that aside and just do it -- and we've been having a lot more great sex, and some okay sex, and just plain more sex. And that makes me pretty happy.
It breaks my heart to read people's stories about forcing themselves to have sex when they don't want to. I've done that a few times, and I think it only complicated the problems in the long run. What's worked for me when I've had a lack of interest is to find ways to let whatever passions I was feeling -- for sex, for gardening, for whatever -- grow and bring me towards more interest in life in general. For me the problem was how to restore libido, and I think that's a personal and more generalized issue, not specific to just sex, though I imagine others' mileage may vary.
For Niccho: about ten dollars will buy you a digital thermometer that takes about ten seconds, tops, to register your temp. fertilityfriend.com is a great site for using the fertility awareness method, whether you want to have a baby or want not to have a baby -- they've got great educational resources too. The hidden gem of FAM for me was that, despite thinking I knew how I worked, in under three months I have discovered more than I ever knew was there to know about how my reproductive system functions and how my libido factors into it. The book Taking Charge of Your Fertility is another good resource.
Posted by: anon this time | October 22, 2012 at 10:12 PM
@nicho, I'm not sure what kind of family planning you're doing, but to add to what I wrote above... I'd capitalize on the situation and see if your husband could do all the feedings after, say, 2:00. ;) But even if that's not an option, I'd do the charting of the other signs anyway, and, if you haven't confirmed it, see whether your temp. is affected by the disrupted sleep or not. You might get enough information to go on. I bet fertilityfriend.com has some good resources on your particular situation, too.
Posted by: anon this time | October 22, 2012 at 10:21 PM
@nicho: see http://www.fertilityfriend.com/Faqs/Night-Waking.html
Posted by: anon this time | October 22, 2012 at 10:27 PM
Having breastfed both kids until after two (still bf the second one) and having incredibly low oestrogen after both births have both contributed to almost zero sex after baby. I had to use synthetic oestrogen to regain my sanity - but since ceasing it I still feel like my oestrogen is low.
Both of us have sex drives at the lower end of the scale - it's like we spent the first year we knew each other in bed, got it all out of our systems, and it's been sporadic ever since - and practically non-existent since kids. I am still up a few times a night - still breastfeeding - still exhausted and crabby. I'm waiting to feel like my old self. Sex is waaaay down on my list of priorities. My partner and I generally agree that this situation won't last forever, but attachment parenting without a village to help you is going to knock you out of the game for the first five years or so, unless you a made of stronger stuff than I. He's happy to come second to the babies... I only get worried about the lack of sex when I read about all the sex others are having - jeeez! I agree with the comment that suggested two years as a more reasonable timeframe - but at that point, I was pregnant again. I am only just beginning to get a few inklings of the sexual person I used to be, and only around the time I ovulate (something that has only happened five or six times since the birth of my second).
Posted by: bella | October 22, 2012 at 11:29 PM
After the first one I think we tried to have sex c. 8 weeks post-partum and it was…not enjoyable. We started having sex regularly again at around 7 months post-partum with both kids (which, not coincidentally, is the time both started sleeping solidly through the night). That said, my sex drive didn't really come back until a few months after I stopped breast feeding. Breast feeding is a total libido killer for me-- and, despite the lube and what not, it just didn't feel as good physically until I stopped bf'ing and my hormones re-balanced.
For myself, I looked at it as a re-equilibriation. Having a baby is a wonderful thing, but it's like throwing a big bomb into whatever equilibrium (sexual, weight, career, relationship, health) you had before. It takes time, and sometimes significant effort, to get the equilibrium in those areas back. I think it is a huge, destructive myth that marriage (or any long-term sexual relationship) is supposed to be easy "if it's right" and that there's something wrong if you have to work at it. I adore my husband and am very happy in my marriage, but it took a long time and a lot of work for me to get my groove back sexually. By "work" I mean consciously reactivating my sexuality, and yes, I second the suggestions re: books, porn, vibrators, exercise, etc. It did happen though, and I'd say that I had better sex after kids than before.
I would also say that, in general, my sexual desire is inversely proportional to how much sleep I'm getting and how stressed I am. Sleep deprivation and sexy times do not mix.
Big hugs to all of you having a rough time; it does get better, have faith!
Posted by: BlueBirdMama | October 22, 2012 at 11:36 PM
Cordy - I have been there. Although, I was much less willing to give in and just do it. If I did, I sometimes got aggressive - biting and scratching (and not in the playful fun way although I tried to pass it off as that).
It took a serious toll on my marriage, which we are just now recovering from. (Not that I'm saying this will happen to you as there were some other issues as well).
My kids are 5 and 2 now (mostly sleeping through the night with the two-year-old still nursing at night/early morning), and I feel like we are starting to get into the swing of things again.
What helped me was to realize that I was a sexual person and that I did like it. (That sounds silly, but I think I'd gone so long telling myself that I wasn't in the mood that it was habit). I also started taking care of myself (yay for the shower and waterproof toys)! That way I could get sexual pleasure without the pressure of pleasing someone else. It was all about me (and often faster). Like so many others, I was touched out and tired of being needed, so sex felt like one more chore to take care of. Self-pleasure (yeesh, apparently, I can't type masturbate) took those burdens off the sexual act which then allowed actual sex to be more enjoyable.
Posted by: Anon today | October 22, 2012 at 11:45 PM
Love this topic, I am so curious to hear others' experience! My daughter is 5.5 and I finally feel like my libido and sex life is coming back. If you'd asked me 3 years ago, I was grieving its loss and feeling hopeless. So, for those more than 1-2 years post-newborn, it may still change?
Sex isn't as frequent and my interest/initiation is lower than it was in my 20s-30s, but the new normal is pretty good (and WAY better than the first 3 years post-baby). I'm 41, had my daughter at 35, and I do wonder (and my GYN hypothesized) that pregnancy hormones may have 'tipped the scales' toward lower libido for me. It's encouraging to read the posters who say they're having the best sex ever, in long-term marriages-- I'm hopeful that we're on a slow upward trajectory. Also, we have started letting our daughter watch a video on Saturday morning when she wakes up, so that we can have sex in the MORNING (much our preferred time, and I get much more aroused in the morning than at night! another change). I have never been pro-TV or videos, but this is absolutely worth it!
In my case, when my daughter started sleeping through the night, when my sleep deficit improved (she was ~3 before that happened), after my husband and I had had a good chunk of time wiht a couples therapist to address various issues/resentments and the big adjustment for us to become parents... I talked with my GYN about low desire/arousal. She prescribed a topical testosterone cream, which was a non-starter for me because I hated the sensation/consistency and never used it. Eventually I went to a naturopath who specializes in women's health/sexual functioning, who diagnosed subclinical hypothyroid. A low dose of thyroid med = less fatigue, less irritability and best of all, more desire and the ability to get aroused again! Prior to that, I felt almost pre-pubescent (never masturbating, no interest in erotica, sex with husband that ended with me in tears and him feeling clumsy and discouraged-- all quite different than my sexual life pre-baby). And it did take awhile for us to re-learn what felt good, rebuild trust after those failed experiences, and be intentional about making time for it. But boy, it's a lot easier to be married when we're having sex!!
Our couples therapist recommended "Mating in captivity" by Esther Perel, which addresses the challenges of staying sexually interested/desiring your partner after years of familiarity & co-parenting and co-running a "family business." I haven't read it yet, but FWIW.
Posted by: Elle | October 23, 2012 at 12:07 AM
Ooops! Ladies, sorry for posting in the wrong place re: biting nipples. Man, I must be sleep-deprived!
@anon this time: thanks for the reference. I'm going to scour www.fertilityfriend.com.
Posted by: nicho | October 23, 2012 at 08:25 AM