Free but not cheap

Jessica Valenti just wrote a new book called Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness, and wrote a piece for Babble summarizing her main argument in the book, which is that we keep saying "Motherhood is the most important job in the world," but at the same time we undervalue it enormously. She buries what I think is the most important point in the last paragraph of the Babble piece, which is that motherhood isn't a job, it's a relationship.

If we think it's a job, then nothing makes sense about it. How is it possible that it's so important but also so undervalued? How is it possible to be a good mother if you're with your kids 24/7 but also be a good mother if you leave them to go work for a good part of the day? How can we take such satisfaction from being with our kids but be so bored by all the stuff we have to do for our kids?

But motherhood makes sense when you realize that it's a relationship. Loving and nurturing your child is the relationship you have with your child. That's why when you have a bad day as an adult, you still want your mom (if you have a good relationship with your mom) even though she isn't making your meals, changing your clothes for you, driving you to work, or doing any of the stuff moms of kids do.

All the stuff that has to be done for kids, though, those things are jobs. Changing diapers, researching carseats, driving to soccer practice, washing clothes, catching vomit with your hand, putting to bed, filling out forms, searching out a replacement wubbie on the internet,  making lunches, making dinner, making breakfast, making snacks. Many of those tasks are not that brain-intensive, and are not valued highly, across all societies. That's why a) motherhood sucks so much, b) it's devalued so much, and c) wealthy women have always outsourced as many of those tasks as they could, until recently, so they got the relationship but not the jobs.

What we were talking about last week in the discussion of how motherhood changes who we are, and what Randi Buckley helps women figure out in her Maybe Baby program, is this: Do you want the relationship enough to suffer through the jobs?

And that's not a small question. The jobs almost break some of us. The jobs almost break almost all of us with kids under 3. And how you come through the jobs as your children age and the jobs change is not guaranteed, and it's different for everyone.

Some people like, or don't mind, the jobs of raising children. Some people really do not like them at all. We shouldn't be judging women for wanting to stay at home to do the jobs of raising children if they want to. Nor should we be judging women for wanting to do another job while someone else does the jobs associated with her children. That would be like judging someone who is a dentist because she's not a fashion designer and vice versa.

But we do need to make sure that the jobs associated with raising children are valued, financially and socially. We need protections for SAH parents. Protections and better wages for paid caregivers. And respect for everyone who does the jobs of raising children. It's not the hardest thing I've ever done, but doing the jobs of raising children (I was a stay-at-home mom for 5 years) was the most intense sustained thing I have ever done. It makes me exhausted and sad just thinking about some of those periods of unending work, and I hear the exhaustion and overwork from you--especially those of you with little kids--and the suck of the intensity.

But the relationship... That's why old ladies come up to us when we're half dead with a 6-week-old strapped to our lopsided leaky chests as we're waddling into the drugstore at 7 am to buy more diapers and say, "Enjoy this time!" They don't remember the jobs. They don't know it, but what they really mean is "Enjoy this person, this relationship that you're starting and that's only going to get better but also more complicated, and this love that will make you hurt and make you vibrate with the rest of the universe. Your boobs will stop leaking and diapers are only for a short time and you will survive, but this relationship is your chance to be better than just yourself."

That's what those old ladies mean. And why they can't stop themselves from saying things to stressed-out strangers. Seeing us with teeny babies and a new relationship makes them think of their own children, their own relationships. And they want that same thing for us.

So. The jobs, well, they never end, so you get a million chances to screw up or to dominate. And if you have the chance to do the jobs you want to do, whether they're kid-raising jobs or some other jobs, you should do them. Don't feel guilty about making the best choice for you. But at the same time, we all have to fight like hell so that we can all have the choice to do the jobs that we want to do and are best suited for. Because if we're doing things that make us feel useful and fulfilled, the relationship becomes free and unburdened. The intensity without the grind. And we--and our children--deserve that.

Comments

[ACJ]

This was the most important thing I've read in a LONG time. I've just been freed from all my angry judging of mothers doing (insert ANYTHING mothers do) differently than I have done so far. I've just understood that I am indeed a feminist, that I can fight like mad for every woman's right to choose to have The Relationship when and how they want.

Wow. That was... something. Perhaps your finest hour. And you've had some fine ones as you well know.

Thank you.

[ACJ]

Relationship. Job.
Amazing.

[Jessica S.]

Totally brought tears to my eyes. You've just articulated what all of us parents try to explain to people who *only* see the diapers and the vomit and the feeding. "But, but it's not about that!" we say, but we don't know where to go from there. Jobs. Relationships. Exactly! That's why, when I was growing up, I always pictured myself as having kids, but I never pictured having a BABY. Because I was looking forward to the relationship I would have with my kids. Wow.

And the thing about the old ladies, bingo. I'm sure that's exactly what it is!

Thank you.

[Grateful]

Yes. This. Remarkably well put. I'm sharing this. Thank you.

[ML]

Hear, hear! That was the best, most insightful thing I've read for a while (supplanting the post the other day about the fears of who one becomes when one becomes a mother). I've long harbored a perhaps not-so-secret fear that all I do for my family is keep the trains running--all the "jobs" and managerial aspects of making the day happen smoothly for the kids and my husband gets the "fun" of being with them. This really hit home for me as I've been away from home for the past week, in the hospital with the 6-month old. I miss my older kids (5.5 yo, 3 yo) but I did not anticipate how much they would miss ME somehow. Heartbreakingly, they ask me every day if I'm coming home today and sometimes cry when we have to say goodbye.

[mama bean]

oh my god i am sobbing. you have no idea how much i needed to read this today. this is why the internet has changed motherhood. i have no other words, just thank you. thankyouthankyouthankyou ...

[Kathleen]

This is exactly how I think. And why I think it sucks that often moms get so much of the job part and dads get to spend their time on the relationship part. It's not fair that so much of my time with the kids is me forcing them to accompany me while we do chores. Their dad gets to take them places and ride bikes and generally experience cool things. It's wrong but I think this happens in a lot of households.

[Nicole]

WOW. This actually completely cleared up motherhood for me. WOW! Focus on the relationship; not the job... everything is in a new light. Thank you.

[Shalini]

Thank you for this. I am going to print it and frame it and read it every day, or at least every day that I feel that the jobs are going to pull me under.

[Kim]

Beautifully put. I'll be sharing this. Thank you.

[Kerry]

Thank you.

[Jen (yup, another one)]

This is the most brilliant thing I have read on parenting, ever. Ever. Thank you.

[epeepunk]

Thank you Moxie for putting your finger on the issue. I've been trying to figure out why the recent discussions about motherhood and having it all were bugging me. One was the omission of the concept that dads could fill any of the roles that are traditionally mom's. But the other was that it seems that women (in broad general terms) develop the relationship through the jobs. And there is resentment at dads who are developing the relationship without doing the 'work'.

And this is another reason (I do have them listed out) that I love hedra. Because we've always been very clear about how we're sharing the *jobs*. And that leaves us free to develop the relationships on our terms and in our ways.

[Slim]

Yep.

[Anon]

I needed to read this today. Wise words. Thank you so much for this!

[Amy]

I think this is the most insightful thing I've ever read about parenting. And I read a LOT about parenting. Well done.

[Menita]

Brilliant. Perfect. Yes. This is the end to the mommy wars, this sums everything up beautifully. Thank you, Moxie.

[eep]

Thank you, Moxie. This was so well articulated, and I think it will help me reframe and dispel some of the resentment and anger I have been feeling lately.

@epeepunk, thank you for fitting this in the conversations about "having it all" and the idea that mothers develop relationships through the jobs. Because some women develop and strenghten their relationships through the jobs, or see the relationship through the prism of the jobs, we conflate "having it all" with "doing it all."

[Cathy]

Well put, Moxie. The idea fits in well with a conversation I had with a work friend yesterday about how do you know if you've messed up your kids. My answer was - you'll be able to tell if your kids still want to have Thanksgiving or Christmas with you when they are 30 and don't *have* to go.

@epeepunk - good food for thought about making sure that dad's have the same opportunity to put in the sweat equity to build the relationship too. Also, the same opportunity to help define how they are going to put in the time (e.g. taking turns in the middle of the night, splitting sick days, team dad, etc.)

[Erin]

This was really beautiful, Moxie, thank you. My husband and I have recently been in talks about having a third baby, which I would really like. But I suffered from hg (hyperemisis) in pregnancies, and it's not unusual for it to get worse with each pregnancy. For most of my second pregnancy, I had a lot of difficulty functioning, and I spent about 8 weeks in bed early on. Anyway, he was like, why would you go through all that again? And I said, in ten years I'm not going to remember how awful I felt. We'd have a child, a little brother/sister for our kids, it would bring us all so much joy. The relationship, not the work. I hate the tedium of the jobs part of parenting, but man my LOs bring me so much joy, every day. What a blessing.

@epeepunk - when i read the second paragraph of your post, I was like, OMG I love hedra too! (her comments here are so thoughtful and inspiring) and then I realized that you're her partner, and it made me laugh and laugh at myself. But more seriously, yes absolutely you're right. When we were thinking about the dreadful question of who to leave our kids to, I didn't want any single people on the list; I said to my husband, I feel like I couldn't do that to someone. I know lots of parents out there are single parents, and I'm a partial single parent (hubby lives apart from us for long chunks of time), but that's the hardest of the hard, to shoulder all the JOBS day in and day out.

[emw]

Really well argued, thanks.

I'd also like to add that governments need to start thinking about integrating education and child care, mostly at the elementary school level, so that parents who work (by choice or by default) have a safe and integrated way to care for their children and their children's education.

Sore point for me--can't send my kid to junior kindergarten this week because the only daycare that does drop-offs/pick-ups for the school (it's attached) has a waiting list of four-and-a-half years. I can't do the drive in the middle of the day (work downtown). So the kid is not going.

The stay-at-home mom isn't the default the way it was when I was a kid. I know two who have chosen that (and have the resources to make it work) out of the 20+ women in my life who have children.

And I think you're quite right to point out the value discrepancy in the work of raising kids.

[Kate]

Fantastic.

[Ruta]

Amen sister!! Beautifully articulated! When people start getting all hyped up talking about this book (or SAH/WOH or anything else mom-related), I'm going to refer them to this post.

[eta]

Excellent parsing of the rhetoric. Thank you! Like many of the above commenters, I'm totally using this! (You're putting this in the book, right?)

Thanks, again & as ever.

[hedra]

I'm with the BINGO, you nailed it! crowd (or Jessica nailed it but didn't realize the critical essence buried in that one paragraph, and **THANK YOU** for pulling it out of the bury).

Nice clear distinction.

Brilliant brilliant brilliant.

Add on to Epeepunk: It is possible to develop the relationship without the jobs, which is commonly seen as the 'dad role'. Play, or watching football, or learning to ride bikes or helping dad build things is not always seen as 'jobs', really. So there's play that also develops relationship. And both parents should also get a chance to develop the relationship through play. Sharing that, and splitting jobs (or splitting play and sharing jobs?) is part of the conversation. Right now, epeepunk has most of the jobs, but not all of them.

Also, this explains why parent-who-does-the-kid-jobs feels so hurt when kid has a larger attachment to the other parent. We default to 'I did the job, I should get the relationship!' rather than 'we are both parents so we both get the relationship and the kid gets to set that on their side as well; AND we need to work out the job balance separately'.

@Erin, I cracked up on that. Epeepunk did sound kinda stalkerish there with the list and all... :)

[Vacationland Mom]

YES, YES, Y. E. S.
Thank you Moxie.

[Rudyinparis]

I feel like someone just hit me over the head. Moxie, seriously, I am in awe.

[Sarah W]

Oh, my, yes. Thank you for beautifully summing up something that's rattled around in my head for a while now. I used to get unnecessarily ruffled by people proclaiming, "Being a full time mom is the toughest job in the world!" Because... I don't think of my kids as jobs. (Work? Yes. Job? No.) I internalized it as the distinction between a commitment or a calling, and a contract - I could quit my job and not look back, but wouldn't ever "quit" my kids.

The relationship versus the jobs (or the work). This. Yes.

[bethany actually]

YES. This is so, so true and you've articulated it beautifully. Thank you!

[Alexis]

I would suggest that almost unbearable love fits in to the relationship component too.

I used to hate those "your life is empty unless you have kids" types and while I would never EVER speak words to that effect now I secretly believe it.

Some of our best friends are lovely people who have decided not to have kids.

Meanwhile I love my kids so full and so hard that sometimes it's literally heartbreaking but in a really unimaginably indescribable way. And I look at our wonderful friends and I want to yell, "THIS, you are missing out on THIS and it's so amazing and you're MISSING it!"

So when I look at the great job I walked away from and the 4,000 PBJ sandwiches I'll make and the unending grind of diapers and tantrums and everything else, in addition to the relationship with the coolest people I know I would include the fact that having children has (like the Grinch) made my heart grow three sizes.

And that my friends, is a fair trade.

[Sam]

Thank you for this. I am one of the very lucky, I believe, in that I have been able to stay home and it IS about the relationship. Yes, there's the boring stuff that has to get done and it can drive you bonkers. Now, I got the most useless degree in the universe and being employed for any amount of real money has always been a struggle, that is true. My husband has a job with long hours and he just can't do equal work in the house - there aren't enough hours in the day. So that part of it IS my job in a sense, but mothering? That is my joy, my struggle, what I know I was meant to do, my calling for this season of my life. It's okay for me to say that, and to totally honor (and advocate for) the women who get out there and have amazing careers (or at least something that pays for groceries and new shoes).

[Cat]

Oh my God, I can't tell you how much I *love* this post. You articulate so well what I feel about the different ways families configure the "jobs" to do what works best for *them* and it not having to be about the One True Best Way for everyone.

I love the way you've conceptualized the jobs + relationship = parenting. Thanks for this.

[Artemis]

Yes, yes, yes.
You nailed it.
Is the relationship worth the work/job? THAT is the question.
You totally nailed it.

[Jen Daily]

Yes. Thank you Moxie for this bit of brilliance. This does explain why I choose to stay at home with my kids even though the jobs drive me nuts. I get more time to work on the relationship. And to me the trade off is worth it.

[tripleblessings]

Beautiful, you make it so very clear. Thank you.

[Maman_du_Petrus]

I agree with the other posters. This is an excellent way of presenting it. I am sending this to my little sister who is scheduled to have her second child this week end!

[Anon]

I SO don't get this. Then again, I'm childless by choice. Probably because I had a domineering and abusive mother who I haven't spoken with in close to 20 years.

There's another side to this "relationship" bit. Just sayin'.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for this. Been struggling with these thoughts. I felt like I finally opened a jar that I couldn't get open when I read:

"Because if we're doing things that make us feel useful and fulfilled, the relationship becomes free and unburdened."

[Michelle]

Wow. I soooo needed to read this today. You have articulated perfectly what I have not been able to. I'm on maternity leave right now with my 9 month old and 3 year old boys and I'm in the thick of it...the jobs. I can't articulate anything because my brain is dead and I'm. just. so. tired. But also so happy and thankful that I have this time with them. Once again, you nailed it Moxie.

[hedra]

@anon, I was looking for a place to say 'the relationship does not come with a guarantee'. My mom is struggling with her non-relationship to my second oldest sister, who is pretty far down ASD spectrum and really does not have anything like 'relationship' in her function. My mom has been having a one-sided relationship for 50+ years, and only just realized that it was not just 'a little odd' or 'truncated' but that it did not exist at all in the way she imagined - granted, there were no services for ASD, no social stories, no teaching process for getting anywhere near neuro-typical relating. And my mom did not have a relationship with her father, who was either Autistic or very close on the Asperger's side. Or her mom, who was abusive and violent and then died young. Or with her step-mom who didn't think it was possible to ever have a real relationship with a step-child (you can't replace the REAL mom, she believed) so actively avoided anything even edging that direction (until she knew she was dying, and had six months left to make up for the previous 50+ years...). er. No guarantees. Just the opportunity. And given how grateful my mom and grandmother were for just those six months, whenever it happens it's worth it. (I can't imagine doing the jobs and fending off the relationship at the same time... ouch!)

You don't get to have the relationship you necessarily want out of it, you get to have the relationship the two parties are able to forge.

Also, most of my child-free (by choice or circumstance) friends who have done their emotional/mental homework end up finding passions that strongly look like the level of passion in my parent-child relationships. They have the same skin-off, hurting for the world reactions to tragedies, are invested in politics and school systems and the arts, (etc) reactions pretty indistinguishable from what parents I know end up with.

It just isn't quite as much of a 2x4 to the head experience, much more gradual, somewhat later onset. A lot of these friends get into mentoring, or tutoring, or child advocacy, or animal rights, or environmentalism, or politics, or other forms of advocacy - not as a replacement for some lack, but as a reflection of their fundamental relationship with the world. Even knowing that they don't get to own the same space, they forge pretty amazing bonds and experience powerful things, and give the world things that the rest of us (with kids) get to enjoy, too.

[Anon]

I had a long, long, long cry last night. My son, who is in kindergarten and has after-school care, had a tantrum when leaving the sitter's, and was just so worn out from the long day. I have been feeling awful about not having milk and cookies and Mommy after school every day at 3. We are expecting our 2nd next spring, and I cried hard about placing an infant in daycare. I stayed home with my son for most of the first year, and only went FT when he was 4. I just couldn't find a way to feel better about it.

And then I read this. Moxie, I owe you so much just for this little essay. It reframes the debate in such a useful, productive, humanizing way. I LOVE my job, love providing for my family, love contributing to the wider world, and I know I am making the right decisions for me AND my kid(s). I feel more confident in that now.

This post is a gift to all mothers. Thank you.

[Mama Mia]

Thank you. I have four kids four and under and I am a SAHM (for obvious financial reasons!) and while I enjoy the jobs sometimes I do find they bury the relationship sometimes... and I didn't understand what was going on until you clarified the difference for me! This was a really thoughtful post and I really appreciate hearing it and the validation it gave for the jobs I do and for the women who chose (for whatever reason) to "outsource" those jobs (as I did back when I only had one).
Great post.

[Tricia]

I love when I'm thinking in a muddled and complicated way about something, and then someone clearly states exactly what it is I'm having trouble defining. I feel like that's what good poetry does. That's also what this post does. Thanks for that.

[Brook Redhead Reverie]

After reading this I believe all my guilt about not being what I thought was the perfect mom {doing the jobs to perfect} has lifted. Because I know in my heart that my relationships with my sons are as strong as ever. Hurray...thank you so much for putting it all in perspective.

[Meg]

Thank you for this!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even know what to say. I'm in tears. This is like a primer for how to not judge others, and yourself, and how to lift the "mommy-guilt". I'm sharing with everyone I can think of. Thank you.

[Melissa]

Loved reading this, and i am crying right now. My children deserve the best relationship with me that we can build together and where, I feel, the effort should lie. The jobs can take a backseat.

[BlueBirdMama]

This post is the peace treaty to end the Mommy Wars.

This brings into such clear focus so much of the anxiety I feel as a Mom. So many of the times I think that doing the job perfectly is the key to the relationship, even though I realize that's ridiculous. My own mother thought doing the job meant she didn't have to invest anything into the relationship-- that despite a lack of trust, respect and kindness, despite abusive behavior, secrets and lies, that I would simply owe her my love and loyalty because she came home and made a delicious, nutritious dinner every night and scrimped and save so I could have good school clothes. And even though that has motivated me to work on myself and work on my relationship with my kids, to build trust, to respect my kids as people and to make honesty and kindness core values in our house, despite all that I still get caught up in thinking that doing. every. little. thing. perfectly. will somehow secure the relationship, when I know better than anyone that it won't.

Now, whenever I'm freaking out about doing the job perfectly, I can ask myself, "Is this about the job, or is this about the relationship?" If it's about the relationship, I can give it my full energy and attention. But if it's just the job I'm freaking out about, I can get help, outsource, or just aim for "good enough" instead of inch perfect.

Thank you, Moxie. I'm going to share this with every Mother and Father I know.

[hedra]

@BlueBirdMama, that's a phenomenal practical application of this. YES.

@Moxie. Please say that you're putting this in the book. Like the first chapter. It's a lens through which all the sleep woes and feeding battles and parental-role discussions come into useful focus. Or adding this as a question prompt for 'how to think through a question when you're muddled and short on sleep' maybe... I always included 'who does the problem affect (therefore who owns it)?' and 'is there another problem in here that I'm merging with this one?' and 'which problem is most important to solve first?' but I think I will have to add 'is this about the job or about the relationship?'

[gen]

This made my cry, in a good way! Such an emotional job but the relationship is something that nobody ever talks about. Thanks Moxie for such a profound article, no judgement just pure honesty!

[Anon3]

My mother hated the jobs so much that she totally forgot about the relationship. This is why now, when I have a bad day, I don't want my mother, I'm just aware of how alone I am.

Recently, I was brought up short by how I might be repeating her patterns by my son saying to me when he was tearful and having a bad day, "I want my daddy." :(