When are kids old enough to get themselves ready for school?

My children will be home from vacation before it gets dark out tonight!

Today's topic is inspired by a discussion with a friend with two 5-year-olds. She is frustrated with being angry and stressed every morning about getting everyone out the door to camp (and soon, school).

I started thinking about how my morning stress level has been going down progressively over the last year (obviously, the miracle of not having a 45-minute subway commute to school helped) and about how a lot of that is that I've been deliberately shifting more of the responsibilities in the morning to my kids. (For them, not for me. Although if this keeps working, maybe in a couple of years they'll make my coffee and help me get into my clothes in the morning, too. That would be sweet.)

I feel like Kindergarten is a big time of increasing responsibility for a lot of kids. I know it was for both of mine, but I wasn't able to capitalize on it. I was so stressed myself, and our living situations and school situations lefft no ease whatsoever for me to take advantage of the new things my kids could do and wanted to do. If I could go back in time I'd give myself the time to go get a pedicure and think about our morning routines and think about what I could shift to which child while I wasn't in the heat of the moment.

It feels to me like there are physical tasks, and there are responsibilities. After a few weeks of Kindergarten, kids are more and more able to do the physical tasks. Last year in 1st grade, my younger son could easily choose his own clothes (I put his clean folded clothes in the right drawers and he picks them) and put them on when I asked him to.

Then one morning I was making bacon for breakfast (on a weekday!) and jokingly said "Bacon's for dressers" (little Glengarry Glen Ross joke, clip NSFW) so they ran and got dressed, and the next thing we knew, the expectation was that they'd be dressed before they came out of their rooms and did anything else in the morning.

The next step was to have them pack their own lunches the night before. I thought my younger one might be challenged by this, but he gave me the "Duh, Mom" attitude and sailed right through the packing and then putting his lunch in his backpack the next day.

All of this made me realize that I'd been thinking I was teaching my kids responsibility and not holding them back by doing everything for them, but there were still a ton of areas in which I thought I'd have to push, but they were easily ready to take on those tasks.

The responsibility seems to kick in later than the ability to do the physical tasks, and seems to have more to do with personality than age, at least for my two. We saw some good success after my friend Susan Messina told me about having her daughter come up with her own morning schedule and put in time markers so she knew when to do what to get herself out the door in the morning. Just having my older one walk through his schedule to know what he needed to do when was a big shift in his responsibility. My younger one doesn't seem to feel it as much, he just does it, if that makes sense. So once we talk about it and walk through it, he does it.

At what age do you think your kids can do aspects of the morning routine? I think Kindergarten, and by age 7 they can probably do the physical parts, and at least by age 10 that they can be resonsiible for themselves. Is this your experience? What do you think? How has shifting responsibility been for you emotionally?

Comments

[Laurie]

Timely! I asked my four (almost five) year-old to feed the cats this morning. After he did that he decided he would dress himself in his room. Usually we bring his clothes to the living room and I help him. I don't know how long this will last but I heaped on the praise!

I know my mornings will be much improved when he can take on more responsibility.

[Moxie]

I forgot about feeding the pets! That was a big one for us, too.

[Dr. Confused]

My 4.5-year-old has known how to dress herself for months, except for a few tricky fine-motor skill tasks. And it has been driving me NUTS that she refuses to do it, insisting instead that we dress her. It's been a bit of a source of friction between my husband and me, in that I would wait around all Saturday and just not go to the playground as a natural consequence for not dressing herself, but he privileges her getting exercise and fresh air over the lesson. Finally we got to talking about it and decided we actually had to do something about it, and we have, as of last night, implemented a reward chart. She gets a star if she gets herself fully dressed without more than the minimum required help within 15 minutes of a parent asking her to dress. Last night at bedtime she LOVED racing against the clock and the star, but we'll see how long it lasts. It's actually a little scary to me how well reward charts work with her. Don't know what Alfie Kohn would say about it, but dammit, it works, and it excites her, and it made getting ready for bed go so much more smoothly than usual. We'll see how long this lasts.

[Brooke]

I have decided that 1st grade is the time that she will make her own lunch. Mostly because I realized that I hate doing it.

She's been doing some laundry this year. We need to remind her, but it's helpful and she likes it. I'm thanking Girl Scouts for the desire for her own chores.

[Spacemom]

Ok, the kids have to have backpacks ready and by the door the night before. The 5th grader gets 3 days of lunch money in addition to her allowance. She's expected to make her lunch 2 days a week. If she makes her lunch any other days, she gets to keep the lunch money. If WE have to make her lunch because she forgets, she loses one day of lunch money. We're starting this with the 3rd grader too.

Both girls are expected to have clothes out the night before and are to be dressed before breakfast.

Both girls put away their own laundry, the 5th grader is going to learn how to wash AND dry this year, the 3rd grader needs to tell us when she needs it washed.

We have set up a heart beat chart (heart beat functions that must happen for the house to function) and everyone has agreed to it. It starts in September and involves who sets the table, feeds the dog, clears the table. They get Wednesdays for free because that's a very busy day with Hebrew school, figures and hockey.

[el-e-e]

I'm impressed with everyone so far! My 8-year-old and 4-year-old dress themselves (I do help the 4yo pick her clothes the night before, if I remember), but I haven't yet asked them to make their own breakfasts and lunches. In fact, our system is so smooth, I'd almost hate to mess it up by changing it significantly... and I don't think I need any additional time for me. But... am I denying them the chance to become responsible?

I'm going to have to think of some new tasks I can assign them -- like putting away their own laundry. I might wait until the "beginning of school" stress has died down a bit, but thx for sparking my thoughts! LOVE the idea of a "heart beat chart," @Spacemom!

[Danielle]

My 5-in-Sept-yo (just started K) has to dress himself and get his teeth brushed, face washed and hair combed. If he still has a few minutes left after that, he can watch cartoons. Sometimes I pick the clothes, sometimes he asks me to and I comply. He also puts his dirty clothes in the hamper and his dishes in the sink, and he lets the dog out - though he needs to be reminded about most of these things. Can't wait to get him to fold the clothes and feed the dog!

[Jennie]

I have three kids--10, 8(almost 9) and 4(almost 5). Boy, girl, boy. I find mornings go much better when I ask things like, "What do you need to do next?" instead of barking orders like, "Brush your teeth!" But I don't always remember that.

My daughter has always been more independent than my older son. My younger son is pretty independent, too, but he's only 4. My daughter has been picking out her own clothes and dressing herself since she was 2-3. She's good at remembering which days she has PE and wearing the correct shoes for that. She likes to pack her own lunch so that she can choose what to eat.

My newly 10-year-old boy is kind of a space cadet and needs more reminders about stuff in general. He didn't dress himself until he was more like 4.

When my four-year-old had just turned four last year, I told him, "You know, four-year-olds put on their own clothes." And he has been picking out his own clothes and dressing himself ever since. We do end up with outfits consisting of plaid shorts and a plaid button-up shirt, but I don't care about that. My biggest issue with him is that he's never hungry for breakfast and it's hard to get food into him before school, so I often send breakfast along to preschool.

[kakaty]

My daughter (starting k in 2 weeks, turns 6 this fall) has been getting dressed on her own for about a year. At bedtime she either picks out her clothes or we do it together (her choice) and put them on top of her dresser. She needs to get dressed & brush her teeth before she comes down stairs.

This summer we started working on her getting her own breakfast (usually a cereal bar, peeled hard boiled eggs that are kept in the fridge or bowl of cereal). She also had to help pack her lunch at night (either my husband or I made a sandwich in the morning and added that to the lunchbox). When she got home from camp or daycare she had to then unpack her backpack and lunch bag, putting dishes and ice packs away.

Other things we expect: letting the dog in/out & filling his food bowl. Setting and clearing the table for dinner. Helping with yard work (raking, picking up sticks, etc.). Putting dirty clothes into laundry chute and putting clean, folded clothes away. Lately she has started making her bed in the morning too, although that's not expected because my husband and I never make ours!

The dressing/teeth brushing and bed making she does without any prompting. All the other stuff she still needs reminding and direction. But we're getting there.

[yasmara]

We used to use a visual chart for the bedtime routine (photos that matched their actual PJs, toothbrush, books, bed, etc. printed on a single sheet of paper & slipped into a plastic sleeve, then hung in his room) with my younger son, who always had a hard time with getting to bed. It worked really well.

I'm thinking it would also work for the morning routine for preschoolers/kindergarteners who aren't readers or who respond better to visual representations. *Show* them the flow of what's expected - bed, clothes, breakfast, toothbrushing, backpack, shoes, etc. It could also cut down on the parental reminding - just point to their chart and ask them what's next. In fact, I've just convinced myself that we need one of these for the start of school (in less than 2 weeks) for my new kindergartener!

We also get everything possible ready the night before - clothes picked out, backpacks packed & in their spot, weather checked, etc.

Having them pick out their own clothes cuts down on the "I don't want to wear this shirt" phenomenon. As others have said, sometimes the outfits are rather creative, but I only intervene if they aren't weather-appropriate (i.e., tanktop & shorts in February in Minneapolis).

[Jenny F. Scientist, PhD]

We don't have any kind of school yet, but my 3.5 year old dresses himself every morning. The closet has a child lock (tantrums sometimes lead to throwing clothes everywhere and it's easier to just lock it). I have two bins of seasonally-appropriate tops and bottoms, and he picks out a shirt and pants every morning, lays them out, and puts them on. He also does socks and shoes.

There were 6 months of screaming his head off every morning for 25 minutes, in order to get to this point, though.

I think personality definitely is a lot to do with how hard one must push. Bug needs a lot of pushing to take on new things that I KNOW he can do because I've seen him do it. But he doesn't want to.

[Rudyinparis]

Ugh, this thread kind of makes me cringe because DH handles the morning routine (I'm pretty much out the door when they're waking up)--and he does it let's say differently (instead of the word I am tempted to use: wrong) than I would. He's not a morning person, so the impression I get is there's a fair amount of ataggering around and frantic-ness. It doesn't just annoy me, frankly, it pisses me off, because if he could just get UP and drink his coffee and take the time to coach them it sure would help ME because I'm the one always stuck working on that. It's a sore point, but--the say it's good to step aside and let your partner have ownership of his own things. Even when he does those thing WRONG. I mean, differently.

[Charisse]

Wow, I'm impressed with the little kids making lunches, and also that lunches last from the night before. What are you guys putting in them? My kid (who's 8 and dresses herself and sets and clears tables and runs errands to the corner store and all) does not seem quite ready to prepare the things she likes in her lunch, and most of them would get gross if they weren't made that morning. She usually has a sandwich on crusty bread that needs to be cut from a big loaf, tomato salad (more cutting) and cut up fruit because she has a bunch of teeth coming in.

Anyway, her responsibilities are the above and I'm starting to bring her in on more cooking and menu planning as well as laundry folding.

[Rachel]

My 4.5 year old dresses himself, gets out his breakfast dishes and packs his own school bag. I know this is probably more of a function of personality than just my awesome parenting, but we default to him handling his own things as much as possible.

And, sometimes his clothes don't match. And that is fine, they are clean.

[Jac]

My 5 in September dresses himself and makes his bed in the morning before he comes out of his room. The clothes don't really matter (although he usually does quite well) and it will be even easier when school starts because he wears a uniform.

That's the extent of the morning responsibility I expect at this point. At night he has to clean his bedroom (nothing left on the floor - but there are lots of bins packed with junk), undress for bath, put clothes in the laundry, dress after bath and hang his towel up. We also pay him 25 cents to clean the playroom/den - it should be his responsibility but his little sister makes most of the mess so until we get her on the bandwagon, this is where we are.

I would love a lunches thread! I am also intrigued with making lunches the night before (I've never tried because I worry they would go off overnight?). And I need new fresh inspiration.

[Lisa]

I had an a-ha moment last week. During lunch with a friend who works with autistic kids, I mentioned my frustration with T's resistance to getting himself ready in the morning. (He's 6 and going into 1st grade.)

She said, "You're a very visual person. When you need to do something, you envision it, right? Then you do what it takes to get to what you see in you mind."

"Exactly."

"But T [who has a mild visual processing disability and is very verbally focused] probably has some trouble doing that. He's very into doing things himself, so no problem there. But he has trouble visualizing the steps, so he's much more likely to get distracted."

"... !!! ..."

Once i recovered from having my mind blown, she recommended the following: Have a visual representation of what needs to be done. I floated the idea with T that night. He was super-enthusiastic (and indeed, the visualization part was where he was having trouble).

Yesterday, we finally got around to doing something about it: brainstorming his morning routine and taking pictures of every step: complete outfit laid out, teeth/hair/face/sunscreen, breakfast, vitamins, backpack laid out with all contents, kid dressed with shoes, jacket, and backpack on. I'll get them printed, we'll discuss order, and then we'll make a poster to hang up in the hallway. Hoping this will be a good support structure.

AND this morning he told me he wants to pack his own lunch. So we discussed lunch categories (drink, fruit, protein, dessert, etc.) and he helped me do it. Plan now is to do it together for a while [he can be a bit sneaky about number of cookies], then he'll take over when ready. Onward...

[BlueBirdMama]

I love this thread, guys! You're my role model, @Spacemom!

My five year old boy (starting K in two weeks) has been dressing himself for about a year; I still lay out his clothes sometimes, but I'm encouraging him to pick out his own stuff more (he often asks me to b/c he could care less what he wears). He brings his breakfast dishes to the sink and in the evenings sets the table and helps clear. Our big thing is cleaning up-- he's always required to clean up from one activity before moving on to the next (i.e. put away legos before starting an art project). Lately he's been making pretty big messes (experiments!) but he washes up pretty well. He's been volunteering to help clean a lot lately (sweep, mop, vacuum, clean the sliding glass door that is covered in his finger prints) and seems to get a sense of accomplishment out of being part of the team (that's how we talk about housework-- as teamwork that every one has to pitch in on). Even my 19 month old daughter sings the clean up song and helps put things away (sort of) when it's time to transition to another activity.

This thread has me motivated to have him help make lunch more once the school year starts. I hate packing lunch!

[Awesomemom]

My eldest has special needs so we have been a bit slower with stuff but I have been expecting him to dress himself for school since he started school. His younger brother started preschool at the same time he started kindergarten so they both were dressing themselves at that time. This summer I have been having them learn breakfast with adaptations to prevent major messes (a small container of milk ect). They are also in charge of getting their own morning snack ready for school (dried fruit ect). I have four kids so I have to get my older ones independent because I need to spend more of my energy taking care of the little ones.

[melissa]

I was wondering when your children started dressing themselves? My daughter is 2.5 and kind of like the Mary in "The Secret Garden" as she will just wait for someone to dress her.

My peditrician sends home skill sheets of things he thinks should be accomplished by the next well visit. Getting dressed by herself was for the 24-27 month category.

She does not WANT to do this at all. No interest. Wants to be "the baby" not a big girl.

She is very smart, but lacks some motor skills (like her mom). Is this something to worry about? I will fully cop to just getting her dressed myself if we are trying to make an appointment, but this week I have been trying to be patient and let her do it otherwise.

Sorry to derail...I'm just so curious.

[paola]

My kids are 7.5 (boy) and 5.5 ( girl).
Both brush their teeth, wash faces, get dressed, put on shoes by themselves, but will almost always ask for assistance, which I invariably turn down. They have been making their beds for a year now, and in the 7yo s case, without asking.

They dont fix breakfast as our frigde is high up and so is their breaky stuff in the pantry ( and in my son's case,is a complex affair involving various steps) but will toast bread (if an adult is around) and get snacks that are not high up in the pantry. They clean up after their snacks, placing scraps in the bin and washing plates ( when I decide to let them). They cleanup toys and their art and craft paraphenalia without being asked most of the time.

Both are super keen to help out with the house. When we need to do a big clean they are the first to get out the dusting cloth to dust and would vacuum if I let them.

Maybe if they actually had to do things on a daily basis they wouldn t. But for the moment they are happy to do almost everything.

[Vacationland Mom]

@melissa- bells ringing in my head from past posts/other blogs/developmental info regarding the age of 2.5!!! We get those skill sheets too; at first I worried about them but now I think they are basically hooey because they are so BROAD and as we all know all children are different. My son still has 1 bottle per day (of my milk for naptime while at daycare) and he is almost 22 months. My pedi says no no no, he should only have sippy cups by now, and I say PHOOEY to the arbitrary-ness!

[Susan]

Wow, this thread kind of makes me feel like a parenting failure. Getting my DS, 4.5 and very strong-willed, to do much of anything besides play with his toys is usually a struggle. This includes all personal care and toy clean-up. Recently we've had some success with getting him to dress himself by making it a condition of his morning screentime habit. He loves to watch youtube videos of marble runs, lego creations, etc., so this works pretty well. The natural consequences thing -- we can't leave the house without getting dressed -- would be a joke because he almost always prefers to stay home and it's almost always hard to get him out the door even for activities that he loves once he's made it out the door.
Cleanup is also a major struggle. We never instituted the clean-as-you-go system, which was probably a mistake, instead we have a daily clean after dinner and before the bedtime routine. We give the boy a specific task to do -- often a choice: "do you want to pick up the legos or the trains? -- and a time limit. If it's not done on time, the toy in question goes away for 2 weeks. But really, he doesn't care that much unless it's legos. He's willing to have a lot of his toys taken away rather than clean up. Sigh. And, no, no amount of singing or music can convince him that cleanup is fun.

On the upside, he has shown more interest in independent tasks lately, like getting out his drink of choice from the fridge, getting out a glass (some are within his reach), and pouring the drink. We also recently started making him clear his plate to the counter when he's finished eating and put his clothes in the hamper. He has to be reminded to do these things 75% of the time, but will usually do them without too much friction.

[kakaty]

@Charisse - you asked about lunches that can be packed at night. My daughter (almost 6) usually gets: yogurt, fruit, veggie and an "entree", maybe a treat or dessert. So at night she picks her fruit veggie and cuts it up if need be (like oranges or cucumbers), she packs that in her lunch box with a dish of yogurt (which she scoops out from a large tub), if she wants a granola bar or baggie of sun chips or dry cereal she'll get that together and add it. She fills her water bottle and puts that in, too. Sometimes we make egg salad together and once I cook and peel the eggs she does the rest. Once it's packed we just put her whole lunch box in the fridge, then add an ice pack in the morning. If the entree is a sandwich or soup either my husband or I will do that in the morning and add it to her lunch box.

I'm a pretty avid cook and baker so she's been in the kitchen with me a lot since about age 2. When she turned 5 we started letting her use cutting knives (with supervision, of course), a paring knife is a good size. My son is 2.5 and hasn't been nearly as good about working with me in the kitchen so who knows if he'll be able to handle the same tasks when he's in K.

[Kathleen]

Ours have been pretty much getting ready by themselves for the past year. It helps that my husband will take them to the playground if they are ready early. They choose their own clothes (I care not if it looks good), have just started making their own cereal breakfast, brush their teeth and get their backpacks on and away they go! They eat school lunch. They get their backpacks together the night before. The nighttime routine is crucial to their getting ready by themselves in the morning. We do "Bath, teeth, pee, jobs (cleaning up the bathroom and their bedroom), shoes (must be put away),backpack." Then we do either chess or storytime.

It works pretty well and many mornings they greet my husband completely dressed, fed and with backpacks on when he opens the bedroom door. They've been doing this since they were six.

[My Kids Mom]

I'm being gentle about starting it all back up this school year. By next week we'll be into the flow again.

I started having them dress themselves at 3, so that wasn't much of an issue except that it seemed harder to do it when tired in the morning.

Each year I added one thing that had to be done. At age 5, I would expect clothes to be chosen at night and put on alone by a certain time, then I'd give breakfast to dressed kids (shoes on too). Someone might have to be nearby to keep kids focused. By a certain time after breakfast, teeth should be brushed and they should be ready to be out the door.

I added making the bed alone (pull up sheets & comforter tidy-ish) a bit later and they also started taking care of their own hair and washing their face. At age 8, my son needs to prep his own breakfast (cereal or bagel) while I'm getting juice and coffee ready. He pulls out silverware, butter, cream cheese, milk etc. too.

My son drew a chart to help him know what to do. It included a naked boy peeing, a sink w/ water, a t-shirt and pants, a bed and a hairbrush! I wish I still had that! It actually stayed on the bathroom door for three years!

I've found that a tight schedule with no time for playing around is much more efficient than allowing for free time. They've learned that there is no dawdling optional. I don't have to pull them from play or tv because there isn't any.

We make lunches in the afternoon, before the kitchen gets busy with dinner. In the morning they add an icepack and toss it in the bookbag. After school they pull out things to be washed and return the ice to the freezer.

It was Asha at ParentHacks that made me realize that if I want a kid to do something, I need to make it possible. They need to be able to reach everything they need. I moved the plastic dinnerware, lowered things in the pantry and even reorganized the fridge somewhat. The clothes were moved to a new, lower rod and all shoes were velcro until they learned to tie.

This is a great thread. Just today I was making a new chart to prove to my 8yo that there really is time for play even with homework, piano, helping with dinner, etc. If you want free time, get everything else done quickly!

[Moxie]

@Melissa, the half year is usually a disequilibrium phase, so kids either regress with skills or dig in their heels or both. If that helps you put it in perspective at all.

[Alexicographer]

@Melissa not to worry, I am 95% certain that my son was still drinking warmed milk (cow's, not mine) in bottles as he approached his 4th (!!!) birthday. He's now a rising kindergartener and shows no lasting damage from this horrid experience. Honestly ... I can see the logic (of insisting on stopping -- whatever) if the parents are tired of the routine and imagine this is more an issue in many other families than ours (1 kid, 2 parents, 1 SAH, make use of a fair amount of assistance -- paid and extended family -- with childcare) but otherwise I decided ... kids stop stuff like that when they are ready. It took mine a long time to stop that.

We struggle with some starting stuff (e.g. who puts on his socks), though DS insists on sleeping in his clothes (as, technically, do I except I remove the pants and don't sleep in my work clothes), which makes the issue of him getting dressed in the morning, well, a non-issue. And beyond that, I've decided that generally DS is pretty helpful around the house (e.g. feeds dogs, clears place after supper), and I'm just going to roll along and not worry (yet) about the specifics of what he's doing versus what I'm doing (i.e. if it's really THAT important to him that I put on his socks ... and apparently it is ... I'll do it. If he gets them, and sits still where I tell him to so I can get them on, which happens with only about 50% probability ...). But, again, as noted above, relatively easier here than for many parents, for structural reasons (1 kid, 2 parents, etc.).

No particular plans re: kindergarten; I figure we'll need to establish a routine first and then can work on tweaking it.

[Ellen]

We let our 9-year old go to school by himself, so I wake him up, but he gets the rest done himself - I still take his 7-year old sister to school, so I'm always "right behind him" ;-). It's not terribly far, of course: we live in a city, about 2 kilometers from the school. We bike during the warmer months (there's a biking path, and we bike mostly along a canal, not in the streets) but take public trans during colder months, so he's really stretching his wings. He's quite proud of his accomplishments and is delighted at his independence. Although, truth be told, I still make his lunch! I *might* hand that over to him when school starts, but honestly, he's so good at his other household chores, I think I'd prefer to keep the lunch, and give him other responsibilities.

[sac à main de marque pas cher]

chose la plus importante avec des jumeaux est une poussette vraiment très bons doubles. un pour l'épicerie et l'autre pour marcher à l'extérieur. Ces 2 choses sauvé ma santé mentale.

Quand les bébés sont assez vieux, les réveiller DEUX en même temps à l'alimentation la nuit. Il permettra d'économiser beaucoup de l'agro d'obtenir sans sommeil, si vous pouvez les obtenir sur le programme d'alimentation même pendant la nuit.

Nous avons fait 2 de tout, mais nous avons eu les filles identiques. 2 de chaque jouet, des vêtements, etc Il vient de faire chose de moins concurrentiel. Et il a aussi aidé à se sentir comme s'ils avaient eux-mêmes. Beaucoup de gens en désaccord avec nous sur cela, mais sérieux, pour mes niveaux de frustration SAHM et pour les filles qui n'avaient pas besoin d'apprendre à partager à 8 mois ... il était une grande chose.

Toujours avoir 2 sacs à couches emballés. Et réalisez que vous ne pouvez pas vraiment faire grand-chose pendant un certain temps. Je ne pouvais pas faire grand chose et effectivement engagé une gardienne pour le premier petit tout pour que je puisse effectivement épicerie et cuisiner et faire la lessive. Il y avait très peu de pause avec les jumeaux pour les années 1re/2e.

[hedra]

Ep would have to comment about the full morning routine, because he runs that show, and I'm the backup.

I was writing that it varied wildly by child when they got themselves ready, but as I wrote it turned out that 7-8 was the year they figured it out, though it looked different for each one. Mostly, we had to step back and give them authority to do it themselves. And let them feel the ouch when they didn't (getting dressed in the car in car line waiting to drop off...). The solutions looked different by child, and had different reasons. We have only one who likes to be dressed early. Sigh.

Whether your child is visual (and therefore tunes quickly to lists) or not-so-much (and therefore may find the list supporting a gap), visual lists are great. Asking what they need to do next works for some of ours, asking only if they have a plan (not what the next part of it is, but that they have one) works for others, and keeping our nosy noses out of it works for one as well. (Seriously, silent witness is about as far as she'll take without getting pissed right off, and any commentary is treated as personal judgment of her brain capacity. Er.)

We're pretty Montessori oriented (physically able means do it yourself, but with accommodations to reduce frustration). But we also recognize that sometimes it isn't about able, but about feeling love by being helped (two of them seem to take it that way), or sensory processing, or fructose malabsorption management diet fail. And some days it is about fun and connecting, so we play 'ohmygosh you are such a little tiny baby you can't POSSIBLY get dressed on your own, no you can't! wait, how did you put on that shirt, did fairies help you? Because you cannot do it yourself, you're too LITTLE....' So some days they do it themselves, and some days we help, and some days we're yelling that it is time to leave and they aren't dressed and some days it clicks .... and over time it shifts more toward they do it themselves, on time and under budget. :)

The 14 year old makes his own dinner, packs his own lunch, and gets dressed on his own. Fundamental goal is they do it themselves competently before they graduate. So he's done. :) Tangential goal is they learn they are competent overall and get to practice skills long enough to make them settled habits. He's good on that one, too. But then our kids also tell us when they think they should be doing it themselves and we should just get out of the way, thanks. They're pretty clear on those points, so part of it may be making sure they know they can argue for the chance to be in charge, and that we'll listen. They can also argue for wanting help even when they don't need help, because it makes the tedious stuff more fun. Both work.

[K]

Oh wow, after reading this post, I wonder if I've been expecting too much of my 7 year old. We've been trying to get him into a routine of completing 5 tasks before bed (brush teeth, go to bathroom, put away dirty clothes, put away toys outside of room, and layout clothes for next day) and 6 tasks (turn off music that he uses to sleep at night, pull up covers on bed, get dressed, put away pjs, eat breakfast, brush teeth) in the morning. He can do all of these tasks, but they require prompting (cajoling, threatening, yelling) because he'd get distracted. I a different tactic, making the list together and telling him that by 8:15 PM and 7:45 AM, he has to finish the list, and then simply reminding him of the time. That doesn't work, he can manage his time yet. Maybe I'm asking for too much too soon.

[K]

cannot manage his time, not can. Darnit.

[ARC]

@melissa - we also have a 2.5yo and she cannot dress herself. she can do pull-up/pants by herself but I need to lay them out the right way then straighten them out when she's "done", she refuses to do socks for some unknown reason, and is a champion at putting on her own (Velcro) shoes, nearly always on the right feet, even. (hooray for preschool).

Shirt/dress is a disaster though we haven't worked on it much. Forget buttons and zippers and stuff.

We do ask her to put dirty clothes in the right hamper and she helps me put away clean clothes. She's pretty good at sorting so she likes it and I hope to transition both tasks to her completely in the next year or so.

[coursework]

I think even at five or six they can be ready. I was six years old when I began waking up early on my own. My mother always told me that I woke up as early as five in the morning when I was in first grade. It depends on the child really. :)