What do you need for twins?

For those of you wondering what life is like for a single almost-40 mom who's back in school and therefore has a bunch of friends who go out all the time, here's a teeny slice of the underbelly.

Now. My dear friend Julie is expecting twins. And I know nothing about twins. So tell me what you need for twins. She tends toward the natural-parenting side philosophically.

Also, they're moving across the country in two weeks, so if anyone has tips about moving while huge or finding a new OB in a new city in the second trimester with twins, let that rip, too.

Comments

[mo]

Have her look for a Twins Club (she can find local clubs by looking on the National Organization of Twins Clubs or something like that) for the area where she moving to. She'll gain amazing access to moms who are in the same boat she's in and can give her amazing advice, give her suggestions for OBs, etc. Seriously, should be one of the first things she does!

[Charity]

I didn't have to switch OBs but I saw plenty of twin moms expecting around the time I was get frustrated with the search. OBs can have drastically different philosophies about how closely to monitor twin pregnancies, how to safely deliver, etc. The best advice I have there is to ask specifically for a recommendation in her new city from someone who can give those sorts of details, especially if she's wanting to try for natural delivery.

As to what you need: we really do run through diapers super fast. That's the one thing that you really need two of. For most other things, stick with one until you find you really do need two. We didn't need two bouncers or two jumparoos. Taking turns worked fine with those sorts of things.

Oh, and invest in a good nursing pillow! Tandem nursing may not be possible at first, especially if she hasn't nursed before and doesn't have the tricks down, but it will be a massive sanity-saver later on.

[Mrs. X]

I have no advice about the twins (except complete admiration for undertaking the task), but I do have recent experience with a second-trimester move to a new town and OB.

I started my search with the hospitals in the area. I chose the one with a NICU and then went to find doctors who had privileges or were associated with the hospital. When I had my son in our other town, the hospital was the driving force behind who I wanted to have as my OB because when it came right down to it, that was the critical part above all others.

[jenny]

most important thing with twins is a really really good double strollers. one for grocery shopping and one for walking outside. Those 2 things saved my sanity.

When the babies are old enough, wake them BOTH at the same time to night feed. It will save alot of agro of getting no sleep if you can get them on the same feeding schedule at night time.

We did 2 of everything, but we had identical girls. 2 of every toy, clothes, etc. It just made thing less competitive. And it also helped them feel like they had their own. Lots of people disagreed with us on this but seriously, for my SAHM frustration levels and for the girls who didn't need to learn to share at 8 months...it was a great thing.

Always have 2 diaper bags packed. And realize you can't really do much for a while. I couldn't do much of anything and actually hired a sitter for the first little while so I could actually grocery shop and cook and do laundry. There was very little break with twins for the 1st/2nd years.

But now at 6, LOVE it.

[Erin]

Postpartum doula! If she can afford it, or ask for it for a shower gift. Postpartum doulas are very expensive, esp if you have the kind that come at night, but having help/company at night is a huge help. The doula can hold one baby while the other is being fed, or feed one if Julie bottle-feeds. I know folks with twins (two parents) and they said the night doula saved their lives. Even if Julie has help from family/friends in the beginning, the doula could come when they go. Night time help was the most important for me, because sleep deprivation made me unable to think clearly and more likely to become angry at my babies (like wanting to shake them because I was so desperate for sleep, and even though I never did, it scared me even *thinking* it for half a second; it shook my confidence and made me feel like a lousy mother). I didn't even need *help* as much as moral support in those wee hours. As soon as the sun came up, it all seemed bearable again.

[Heather]

Help. Lots of help. My mom did the laundry and cleaned the kitchen. It sounds like a small thing, but it was huge.

I didn't get a 5 hour stretch of sleep for nearly a year, so anything you can do to get sleep is vital (and I hear that my non-sleepers were more the exception than the rule, so don't panic thinking you'll go without sleep that long.) We bought 2 swings off craigslist and--against all parenting experts' advice!--I let them sleep in the swings at night while I slept on the sofa. That got me at least 3 hours straight.

Most importantly, lower your expectations. I used to be able to power through a mile-long to-do list, even with a 2 year old. Once the twins came, that was all out the window. Even walking to the mailbox to get the mail was an accomplishment to be celebrated.

FWIW, I never joined a twins group. (Why do that when you have Moxie?!) I just couldn't get everyone up, fed, dressed, changed, packed, changed, in the car, changed, and to my destination A. on time, B. without being completely and utterly exhausted by the time I got there. It just wasn't worth it.

It completely sucks until 6 around months, then it sucks a little less, then it gets a little better around a year, then by 2.5 you start to feel human again and your brain remembers how to fire on all cylinders (not that it will, though). I am really looking forward to @jenny's comment about 6.

Oh, and the other thing I learned: take lots of pictures. When looking back through them, you likely won't remember any of it, but the pictures are nice to have. Also, I had some matching outfits for the kids, but when I dressed them in different outfits I tried to keep the same outfit on the same kids (twin A always wears the blue dinosaur shirt; B never does). It actually made sorting those pictures much easier later on when faces were partially obscured or backs were turned. (And believe it or not, when you look back 2 years later, the fraternal twins look remarkably similar as infants.)

Have fun!

[Lshankman]

Consider reading the very practical and useful tips on twins in the Moms on Call book.
Great ideas on scheduling, bath routines and more to save your sanity.
http://www.momsoncall.com/products.htm#books

take pictures of them as INDIVIDUALs not just together (that's hard to remember sometimes).

[Schwa de Vivre]

I don't have twins myself. I've known a couple of people who have. And I breastfed using the football hold, which is as I understand it is the only way, or perhaps just the most manageable way, to breast feed twins.

Charity mentioned a good nursing pillow -- to my mind, that means one that says "twin" somewhere in the description. Boppies don't work well for football hold; they don't come up high enough. The twin pillows come up higher, wrap around your front and both sides, and strap behind your back if you want them to. I always kind of wanted one myself, but they're a bit spendy, and only having one kid, I just made do with a couple of hunks of foam from the local fabric store, shaped to fit with an electric knife.

[Kathleen]

Having family/friends come to visit for the first month or as long as possible is helpful. Especially if they are the type who will cook and clean and also hold a baby, not just hold a baby so YOU can cook and clean. Also, a really good double stroller that is easy to push and lets them lie flat (they don't all work for infants). We liked the wide kind so that you can talk to both babies at once. If you do the back seat/front seat kind of stroller, not only can one kick the hell out of the other when big enough, but one of the kids gets lost when it comes to communicating (in my opinion).

We went with disposable diapers...just seemed too overwhelming washing diapers living in a NYC apartment with laundry room in the basement. A good diaper genie thing is absolutely necessary. It gets emptied at least once a day and the smell if you don't have one is overpowering.

I disagree on the getting them on a schedule, but maybe it works with identicals. Our are fraternal and as different as night and day. They slept and ate differently so a schedule would have been hard on them and also on me, since I couldn't breastfeed both at once (thumb tendonitis which took two years to heal). I did better feeding one at a time. I sometimes had to breastfeed one and set the other up next to me in an infant car seat on an ottoman and hold the bottle with one hand while feeding the other baby on the breast. You get creative.

I disagree that you only need one of certain items. True for baby bathtub etc., but anything that helps you cope with them you will want two of. But you might like to start with one bouncer and then buy another. We did two bouncers that rocked, which saved my sanity. I could nurse one and have the other in a bouncer at my feet and rock him at the same time to soothe him.

Also, my mom the nurse set us up a chart to keep track of feedings and diaper changes. It's important to keep a record because you will get so sleep deprived that you have no idea who you fed last when, who hasn't pooped in three days, etc. You need a chart like we used, it will keep you calm when you think one kid hasn't eaten or pooped, but then again! There it is on the chart!

http://www.journalscape.com/keithsnyder/2005-06-07-14:23

I don't know if you have other children, but here's one piece of advice that no one told me: When you have a single new baby, you can rush right over and meet the baby's needs when he/she cries. When you have twins, someone is always going to have to wait while the other one is being tended to. Unless you have another person constantly with you, one kid will be crying. Talk yourself (and them) through it. "I'll be there in a minute, as soon as I change Zac's diaper...hang on, baby...etc." That will keep you from feeling terrible about having that baby wail for 3 minutes AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO! In my opinion, being in that sensitive postpartum state and trying to breastfeed and being so overwhelmed, anything you can do to help yourself feel like you are coping is a good idea.

Any other things you have questions on, please let me know! I'll be happy to help. khaaversen@aol.com

[jenny]

@Heather, My life didn't improve until my girls were 3 but my girls were adopted at 5.5 months and those 5.5-15 months between therapies and other issues, I was literally falling apart. Living on gummy bears and coffee. Which is why I hired a sitter 2x a week for 4 hours a day. It was a huge help. We have no family were we live. I didn't sleep during those times but I did feel like a grown up and could get my hair done. If she can afford help, do it. A mom with triplets told me that, GET A part time sitter if at all possible.

I would also agree with swings/equipment. I didn't have swings and I wish I did. I had chronic non-sleepers (due to lactose issues we found out) and the girls didn't sleep more than 45 minutes a shot. I drove them in the car to sleep alot, if the swings work...buy the swings! Or the bouncy chair or the jumperoo.

THe most honest thing is that things can get really bad, really fast with twins. 1 kid crying is hard, 2 kids crying is maddening. I wish I had lowered the expectations on myself. I would let myself off the hook more now.

[persephone]

If you want to breastfeed (whether partially or completely):

1) Education - and if this is your first time, I would even choose a standard breastfeeding class over a twins class. The most important thing to know, IMO, is how to tell if a *single* baby is latching on right. The second most important thing to know: what to do if the baby isn't. The rest is basically positioning and timing and logistics.

2) Assertiveness - as much as moms of singletons feel pressured to breastfeed, moms of multiples are often pressured NOT to.

3) A mentor who has successfully done it, for cheerleading and/or advice.

4) The number of a lactation consultant *who makes home visits*, because the chances that you'll want to take two babies anywhere, in the first couple of weeks, is virtually nil.

Other random things that helped me, echoing other above:

- buy enough washables that you don't have to do laundry constantly

- try out swings/bouncers/anything else clunky or expensive before you buy two of them, to make sure both kids like it

- a good stroller is worth it, but keep a carrier in the basket, just in case one baby wants out

- take pictures, because you won't remember 9/10 of it later

- if one wakes to eat at night, try to wake the other one to eat too; you'll see pretty quickly whether it works for the babies, and it will save you precious sleep

-accept help, accept help, accept help. but make it clear what kind of help you want.

- be kind to yourself, not just your babies. it can be very demoralizing not to be able to meet every one of your babies' needs. it's not your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. and they will be more than okay.

[Charity]

One other thing I'd like to add that would have really helped me and that no one told me: prepare for preemies. Don't worry about it or stress about it, but educate yourself ahead of time with what it will be like if your twins come early, what the NICU is like, how supportive they are of kangaroo care, what different things you might need available (like smaller clothes and diapers), etc. That was the biggest source of early stress for me. I just had no clue how those sorts of things work. I'd never experienced nor had anyone I knew. They were there for nearly three weeks and I was an old hand at it by the time we were done, but it was mystifying at first.

[Christina]

1. I would start the OB search via phone/internet ASAP. The insurance company will have a list of providers, and the huge majority will refuse 2-trimester high-risk pregnancies.
2. Stick to your guns on avoiding unwanted interventions. Ask for monitoring, etc., rather than agreeing to early induction, which is routinely pushed for twins, for example. Settling in with twins is hard enough without having to recover from an unnecessary C-section.
3. Scheduling feedings, breastfeeding both twins at the same time, and the horseshoe-shaped nursing pillow saved my sanity.
4. I had a friend-of-a-friend who had twins come to my house and demonstrate holding techniques, nursing positions, etc. that had worked well for her. That was a HUGE help.
Good luck, and enjoy! My twins are starting middle school next week!

[Laura]

I don't have twins but I did move from Hawaii to Chicagoland 8 months pregnant. We don't have any family here - didn't know anybody, in fact. I emailed my husband's new boss's wife to ask her opinion on OBs and pediatricians. She was right on but I was very glad to see my OB is part of a huge office so I knew I could find someone there if I didn't like her. Also, there's a really great baby hospital nearby and that's where she delivered babies. So, I guess my advice is ask for help but also look for built-in options and maybe know ahead where you want to deliver. Good luck to your friend!

[Tine]

I got nothin'. But I do want to give your friend a great big hug and wish her well! She's got a lot on her plate. <-- severe understatement

[kristen]

hi there. i am a mom of 16 month old twins and a 3 year old daughter. i didn't find out until 20 weeks that i was expecting twins and then had to start looking for a care provider all over again. it was hard and scary because i wanted to avoid an unnecessary c-section. i did end up finding someone and i did end up having a natural birth (even with baby a breech and baby b having cord prolapse after baby a was born). i had an excellent ob and midwife who didn't even bat an eye. because finding someone great was such a stressful experience (at 20 weeks) a few other twin moms and myself are starting a site, part of which is a directory or ob's and mw's who support natural twin birth. right now the list that i have created is mostly in the US but I am hoping we can get enough good recommendations to make it worldwide. the plan is for the site to go live within the next week at www.crunchytwinmoms.com but i would be happy to try and help her find someone before the website is up if she would like. she can email me at kristenly83 at gmail dot com

as far as what you need for twins it really isn't that much. i wrote a post on my blog about all the stuff you don't really need and the few things that you do

http://crunchytwinmom.blogspot.com/2012/05/baby-gear-simple-and-affordable.html

if she has any questions or even just someone to talk to please tell her that she is welcome to contact me (i'm on twitter too @ kristenly)

[MW]

I don't have twins but I did have a chronic non sleeper who wanted held all the time. With my second baby I have invested in a good baby carrier and wish wish wish I had done it with my first. It might help if one of the twins needs out of the double stroller or even at night and your arms feel like they are going to fall off from standing and holding a baby that only wants to sleep on your chest with you in a standing position. ;) I have an Ergo baby and love it. There are so many different brands and kinds. She may want to research babywearing. It would give her an alternate way to hold one of the babies and have her hands free to tend to the other. I'm telling you, I love mine. Good luck to the mama to be!!

[hedra]

If you tend toward the natural, my default starting point is the book Mothering Multiples. It is attachment oriented/natural oriented while being absolutely practical about the human factors involved in having multiples. Practical, sane, reassuring, kind of like Moxie for twins.

Second: if you lean Attachment, try the APMultiples yahoo group. The woman who wrote Mothering Multiples is on there, and a lot of 'living AP' parents there with multiples, multiple multiples, etc. (twin/trips, etc.). But it is not for 'figuring out/discussing' only if you already know you want to go that direction.

What I've learned from these resources, plus talking with enough twin moms, plus being in a twins club, is that (again) there are many ways to do this right. It will depend on your kids, their age/development at birth, your support resources, your personality, your work life, your spouse, your finances, etc., and within any of those parameters there will be a million right answers.

Twin parents tend to have strong feelings about what worked, because HOLY CR*P it matters when something works! :) But I've heard equally urgent guidance in opposite directions, so take it all with a much bigger grain of salt. Including my advice! :)

My general recommendations: (and you can search archives for more, we've done this before I think)

1. GET HELP for post baby. How you want to do that is up to you. PP Doula, getting help from a twins club, cycling friends through the house, getting a housekeeper 2 days a week, moving your mom in for four months, whatever. But get help. The difference between remembering anything that happened in the first four months and not remembering seems to be largely based on how much help you had. I had someone in for 2 hours four days a week (in-laws, step-mom, mom, etc.). Enough to eat and shower and talk to a grownup without having to pack the babies in the car.

2. SLEEP for you, by whatever means necessary. We managed to work out a rule that I was not permitted to Leave The Bed until I had 8 hours of sleep. I'd go to bed at 9 PM, and some days I would not get out of bed until 11 AM or 1 PM the next day. To do this sanely, we built in a huge bed and installed a bedside mini-fridge and put two in-bed cosleeper beds in place for infancy, and ep volunteered to take care of any night needs of the other two kids. Whatever works for you. Sleep = milk supply (if you are bfing or pumping or partial supplementing), sleep = better mood, sleep = more patience, sleep = better memory function. Sleep was essential for my sanity.

3. Sleep for babies, eh, whatever works. I have had both sleepers and nonsleepers, and the twins were one mostly sleeper and one mostly non-sleeper. I stopped caring how or why or when they slept as long as I was functioning. If it created a problem for my sleep, I solved for my sleep first, then looked at whether it was an actual problem for the child, or just for me. Sleep training is harder with two, I suspect. I never bothered. :shrug: Likewise for feeding, I did one thing at night and another during the day, and it changed with their ages and development, so I've done everything except strict schedule feeding (though my eldest ate by the clock all by himself, so... you never know what you'll get!).

4. PPD WATCH. Enlist friends to watch you and your partner for PPD. PPD can *start* at up to the same number of years as number of children concurrently. So up to 1 year post birth of a singleton depression onset is PPD, up to 2 years if you have twins, up to 3 years post birth if triplets - at that point it is still considered PPD. Moxie's printout is great. Given the massive drain on physical resources from pregnancy and bfing, DHA/Omega-3s were critical for me and my brain function. YMMV, but watch for it. Including in the partner.

5. Gestate as long as humanly possible. Every day inside you = 3 days less in NICU (counting back from due date) more or less. Due date is 40 weeks, just like singletons. Near term is still near term with twins. Finding an OB who won't just schedule a c-section at 36 weeks is still sometimes a challenge. I found a high-risk doc who managed expectantly, like a midwife. I lucked out. (I recommend Omega-3-enhanced eggs, a dozen a week minimum. Six days increased gestation just from using O-3 eggs...) It is possible to a natural birth or minimal intervention birth approach. There is less you can control with multiples pregnancies, though - so make peace with whatever needs to happen at the nth hour, so you can be purposeful and intentional in even if it doesn't go as hoped. Respectful care matters. Use the resources people gave above.

6. Stuff? Sling/carrier, twins-specific nursing pillow (not just any kind), and an appropriate-to-your-life twin stroller. Those were urgent for me, and tend to show up on a lot of people's lists. Everything else is variable and dependent.

For entertainment, my preg journal for the twins: *trigger alert for misscarriage/pregnancy after loss content*
http://www.storknet.com/journals/hedra/

Good luck! I will say the first six months were hard (!!), but still good. And it continued to change (not easier but different) until at 3 1/4 it was suddenly easier. And it continues to get different. :)

[Peranting]

I don't have any advice on the twins or the move, but I would recommend she look for a kids consignment sale in her area to look for the items she needs. Baby stuff can be so pricey, esp when you need 2 of everything. In Dallas where I live there is even one hosted by the Twins club which (unsurprisingly) frequently has pairs of matching outfits, toys, furniture, etc.

Nationwide, a good site to check is Just Between Friends (www.jbfsale.com).

Speaking from my experience, I can't recommend a good swing enough. We got ours at about 3 months and I was finally able to reliably get a shower. Or lunch.

I'd also suggest the Itzbeen timer. It is a very simple timer to help you keep track of how long its been (itzbeen - get it?) since the baby fed, was changed, etc. You can also track which side you nursed on last, though I suspect that isn't as big a deal for twins. It saved my sanity, esp. in the early going with a premie when they wanted him to eat every 4 hours. Re-setting my alarm clock at 3am on 1 hour sleep was like rocket science. It's not really made for twins per se, but it has 4 or 5 separate timers, so it should work fine.

[Arwen]

First of all, if she is attached to the idea of trying to give birth to her twins vaginally, she needs to find a doctor (or team) who is willing to do a delivery even if baby B is breech. Vertex/breech deliveries are common and safe with twins, but doctors who aren't familiar with delivering multiples are often uncomfortable with the idea, so they'll call for a c-section unless both babies are vertex. There's no need for that! The doctors I used for my twin pregnancy are high-risk specialists who deliver twins regularly and they were very comfortable with the idea of doing a vertex/breech delivery for me. I didn't end up needing that, but I felt like their level of expertise helped make my vaginal delivery go as smoothly as it did.

I second the idea that someone else mentioned of finding the closest good NICU and then looking for doctors who deliver at that hospital. Twins are much more likely to be born prematurely. When mine were born at 34 weeks, I was very grateful that I'd delivered at the hospital where my babies could stay.

As far as stuff goes, there are only a few key items that I was glad to have with twins that we didn't also use with our singletons. Obviously you need double of anything that your babies like to sit in (bouncers, swings, exersaucers, etc), and you need them MORE with twins, since you have to put one of them down so often. If Julie plans to nurse, which I'm guessing she does, it's good to have a twin nursing pillow, a special version of a breastfeeding pillow that makes it easy to nurse twins in football hold. I never used a pillow with my first two babies, but used this one when tandem-nursing my twins - it was the only way to do it when they were tiny. I ended up quitting tandeming when they were about 7 weeks because it made me crazy (although, ironically, I do it all the time now that they're 15mos and demand it) but I was still glad I had the pillow for those early weeks when we were working on building supply.

As far as strollers, it is very helpful to have a double. We went with a double Snap-n-Go for the early months which I highly recommend (actually, Moxie - Julie doesn't live around here, does she? I'm looking to offload ours. It's like new.) and invested in an expensive but totally-worth-it double stroller which we'll still be using for quite a while yet. (We have the Baby Jogger City Select and we love it. I don't know that it would be as good for a toddler-baby pair, but for weight-matched twins it's a great fit.)

Other people who are having twins ask me for advice all the time, and I tell them this: trust your instincts and take all the help you can get.

Trust your instincts is good advice for every parent, I think, but is even more important with twins because people have - if possible - even stronger opinions about what you "can" and "can't" do with multiples. I had people assume all kinds of things about the choices we'd be forced to make because of our twins, things like "of course you won't be breastfeeding" and "of course you'll have to keep them on a schedule" and I'm sorry to say I let them get to me a little. I wondered if having twins wouldn't turn me into a totally different kind of parent than I was with my first two kids. In the end, it did and it didn't, but what I learned is that parenting multiples is just like any other kind of parenting (only more intense) - if you trust yourself, you trust your love for your kids, and you're not afraid to try anything you think might be good for all of you, then you figure it out. I ended up making a lot of choices that were similar to the ones I'd made in the past (we did succeed at nursing) and many that were different (some months we had schedules, other months we ditched them) but the important part was trusting that my husband and I could figure it out as a team, and we did. Keep other people's voices out of your head. You're still the best parent for your kid, and you can still do this the way that's right for you, no matter how hard it seems.

(And parenting multiples is REALLY FREAKING HARD at times.)

As far as the help thing goes, there are two aspects to this: free help and paid help. We swallowed our pride and took all the help from family and friends that we could get, and I'm really glad we did - it helped us survive. But my biggest regret from my twins' first year is that when they were born, I didn't *already have* a relationship (or several) with people that I could pay to get stuff done for me around the house. And once they were born, it felt too overwhelming to find someone. (When my twins were about six months old, some good friends paid a service to come deep-clean our house a couple times and I swear it was the best thing anyone's ever done for me.) If you can afford it, my advice is to find, while you are still pregnant, someone to do housework and someone to help with childcare. It will be absolutely worth the money once you're in the weeds with TFB.

(TFB is the shorthand my husband and I used to refer to our twins in desperate moments. The T stands for two and the B stands for babies and... well, I think you can put that one together.)

Oh, also, this is true for all parents but especially true with multiples: don't be afraid to lower your standards (aggressively) and remember to take care of yourself.

Sorry for the comment-section novel, Moxie.

[hedra]

Things I used (that YMMV on wildly):

Ring sling and mei tai carrier.
bouncy seats (2) (though I tended to only use one at a time, swapping them when they both were up with a cold the same night was easier with two seats)
Folding double stroller with reclining seats (some italian brand really pricey, lasted a long time).
Several other strollers, used, from Twins Club sales.
Twins Club sales (!) for any items in duplicate.
EZ2Nurse2 nursing pillow.
Mats for the floor to put babies on
Mats for the floor to change diapers on (I quit using the changing table immediately).
Swings (2) - reflux baby + empathy crying + colic for both...
Sharpies (for labeling the heck out of things)
Nonslip pads for the bathtub (I never used the in-tub-tubs much, but did bathe with them for a while... nonslip pads helped with the slippery-baby-slippery-tub problems)
Cloth diapers for a while... it may seem crazy to do cloth for two, but it seemed less work for two than for one (or maybe just more worth the same amount of work?)...

Yeah, that's about it. I used the slings for a really long time, and could swap a child between the grocery cart and sling when I had two with me (one in the cart, one in the sling - not many stores near me had twins-carts!).

[Kathleen]

One thing that is hitting me from reading these posts--I had such severe PTSD after the birth but no one recognized it, not even me. I was terribly depressed and kept reliving the hospital experience (which was not good, I had some complications). People kept telling me things like, "They are here now and everything is GREAT!" No, things are not great when you are so stressed and sad and feel unable to bond with your babies but yet you have to cope.

All I'm trying to say is that you need people around you who will listen to you and hug you. The first few months are very hard--you can do it, we all did, but it is hard. And if your birth experience was hard too, remember that you not only need to take care of your new babies, you need people around you who will be taking care of you. Listening to you and not trying to put a cheerful face on things. Two screaming babies in a home by yourself is completely overwhelming for a new parent, especially if you are a bit shellshocked. Ask your favorite people to come over regularly and hold a baby and and ask you how YOU are doing. You will need someone to listen. It makes everything so much better and you will feel stronger and more able to deal. Don't be like me and think you can do it all yourself.

[Lauren]

My twins are nearly 2 now (older child 4.5 yrs). This age is great. I can say that because my husband stays home and I workso I don't see the worst of it :) The first 6 months did suck but our twin 1 had terrible feeding issues and I was chained to a breast pump for her while also breastfeeding twin 2. good times.

I agree all of the above is good advice after twins are born.

Ask for help, because people will feel dreadfully sorry for you and give it! I'd also recommend having any significant others made redundant while the babies are in their infancy. two adults on deck cost us a fortune but saved us our sanity.

I'd also line up a breast pump (rental) in advance because twins are often premature and premature babies are not so good with the sucking.

BEFORE twins are born, your friend needs to be ramming as much protein and good fats as she can down her gullet. Seriously. This is so so important. I had twin specialist OBs at a massive teaching hospital and they knew bugger all about prenatal nutrition for twins. Barbara Luke's book is good. Because absolutely the best thing you can do for twins who may well be born prematurely is to pack as much weight on them as you possibly can.

My #1 was almost a 41 weeker and was 3kg. My twins (#2 and #3) were born at 36w4d and weighed 3kg each. Nutrition is absolutely critical.

Re: OBs, here's my 2c. Find one that preferentially delivers twins vaginally (they exist). Then never mind their bedside manner, hire yourself a private midwife who has delivered twins vaginally and take them to the hospital. Then you have someone on your side, and an OB who knows how to get things done in case of emergency, which hey, hardly ever happens (FWIW my twins were a fast 2.5 hour delivery, no pain relief - my singleton was a freaking nightmare to get out. 2 x placenta and a whole bunch of fluid and 2 x babies is a lot of downward weight and will make a cervix give up its hold right quick).

She should ask the OB about epidurals (they will usually want one for a twin delivery but I hate them so got to argue about it lots).

She may need to be induced, so she should ask if pitocin or ARM will mean she does not get to use facilities such as baths/showers (it did at my hospital because they were worried about pump damage. this kinda sucked but was fine in the end as I just wanted to sit on the birth ball and zone out).

Our midwife cost a fortune and didn't have to do anything in the end other than tell the hospital midwife to put her gloves on because twin 1 was crowning - the specialist OB missed the birth altogether. But it was good to have her there giving us the real statistics/information instead of hospital policy. A doula might be able to do that too but I found the midwife was very respected by hospital staff.

Best of luck to your friend!

[persephone]

A quick post script to my breastfeeding advice: someone above mentioned "renting a pump" - this is something you may skim over, if you have not had multiples or preemies, and read as "buying a pump." Just want to note that they are not the same thing.

The pumps you see for sale are meant for maintaining a supply, after it's already established. The kind of pump you need to establish a supply in the first place is called "hospital grade", and you typically can only rent them - through a hospital, lactation consultant, etc. (Although maybe they'll be free now, with healthcare reform! Anyone know?)

A hospital grade pump is what you'll need if your babies can't suck at first - at all, or just not well enough to empty your breasts - but you still want them to get breastmilk, and/or breastfeed when they're more mature. This is pretty common with twins. Check that your hospital has a pump (with adapter to pump both sides at once) that you can use during your stay; they should, and they should also be able to set you up with a rental, if you need to take one home.

[megan]

My girls were born before their suck reflexes developed so I needed the hospital grade pump. Something I didn't know or even consider though was that while my girls were in the NICU, I would have to put myself on a pumping schedule that matched their eating schedule. So I got up in the middle of the night to pump. It paid off though as I was able to supply the hospital with plenty of milk for the girls.

Some mothers have the twins switch sides for each nursing. I found that hard to keep track of so I switched days...twin a nursed on the left on odd-numbered days, twin b was on the left on even-numbered days.

The girls shared a crib until they were about six months old. But the I had two bouncers/rockers which were great especially if I need to do the dishes etc.

If the new home will have more than one floor then I recommend two pack-n-plays. I had one on each floor so that I had a safe spot for each baby while going between floors.

When both are crying it is baby triage time...you just have to make a quick assessment about which baby's need is more urgent and know that the other baby will be ok.

Help is great but don't be afraid to kick someone out who isn't really helping, that is not being supportive of you (like only wanting to hold baby so you can cook for the helper or is critical of everything you do with the babies).

[hedra]

Oh, and if you want to skip the epidural, but might want to/need to do an emergency one if there's an emergency, ask to talk to the anesthesiologist in advance about doing a saline line. Our FAB OB (who didn't make it to the birth) told me that the doctor in charge of the OR (where I had to deliver in case of emergency) is the anesthesiologist, and don't forget it. Treat them as the power in the room, and they'll love you for it, and generally respond to the respect you offer. That includes getting permission for additional people to be present (regardless of hospital policy), etc.

For me, it wasn't necessary, as I didn't need it for discomfort early in labor (I used hypnotherapy, which works better than meds for me), and the first was born just a couple minutes after reaching the OR, so there wasn't exactly time for it anyway.

Mothering Multiples (book) goes into detail on feeding patterns, implications for and how to do which, when, pumps, finger feeding, supplemental feeding systems, etc., so for in depth info, look there. I had an oversupply (yes, even with twins), but also had a supply crash later (5 months), and a twin-knowledgeable LC was important. Our Twins Club provided phone LC support for free (the LC was also a member, so that's really based on your local club). Worth it to know you have a free resource.

On the PTSD, I know several twin moms who ended up with that due to traumatic early deliveries, but I'd forgotten about it. Add that to the PPD watchlist. NICU time can be PTSD inducing, too. Make sure you have an advocate on that experience, too, since they can be incredibly autocratic and make it seem like you will not get your baby/ies back EVER unless you do what they say when they say it how they say it.

Look for a hospital that has baby-friendly NICU policies, including LC support and visiting policies. We only have one NICU here suited to micropreemies. I found an OB who had privileges at both my preferred hospital (low c-section rate, great attitude, let family stay if you wanted, nice rooms, open policy NICU but only mid-level, 34 weeks and up) and the urgent care NICU hospital (terrible c-section rate, arrogant mechanistic attitude, would not give private rooms to twins moms or let spouse stay after 8 pm... but first rate NICU and okay bfing success rate for preemies.). I preregistered at both. If I'd gone into labor 34-weeks or earlier, I'd have gone to the uber-NICU one, and after that, to the better general attitude one. I went 38 w 3 d, so got my choice of hospitals.

[Wendy]

Twin Mom of almost 6 year olds here: I wanted to echo the bfing pillow comment- there was no way I could have bf'd as long as I did without an EZ2nurse twins pillow. It made it completely do-able. Also, the Barbara Luke Prenatal nutrition book was amazing. Strollers: I loved the double snap and go, we had a side-by-side umbrella that was a bit too wide for some stores (my kids never wore anything from gymboree...we couldn't fit in that store!) and we had a double jogger that saved my sanity! In regards to the new ob, I'm not sure how to find one but you will need to find the closest great NICU and work backward. There is a possibility that you will have babies in the NICU for some time and being near them is so helpful. We were only about a 20 minute car ride away, but that felt like an eternity when I 'needed' to be there ASAP.
Lastly, I think that there may be more pressure to "do it the way everyone else does" when you have twins. Everyone's advice it truly wonderful *if* it works for you, but if it doesn't, it isn't worth anything. More than ever, a new twin Mom has to hold true to the philosophy that You are the best parent for your children (thanks Moxie!) I despised having help in my house...it made me feel judged and crowded. It was a long time before I figured that out. Do what works and throw out the rest!

[Clementine]

Great comments here . . . and good luck to your friend, Moxie.

Overall, do what works for you, keeping safety in mind. Lower your standards as far as possible. Give yourself some break time. I love the recommendations for preparing while still pregnant rather than waiting for after the birth. I was stunned by how exhausted I was for the first week, month, 6 months. Line up help in advance, but don't be afraid to redirect or 'fire' help if you need to.

We moved to a new state shortly after I got pregnant with twins. Since I didn't want to reveal my status to my new co-workers, and I didn't have friends in the area, I went to the hospital where I wanted to deliver. (No NICU closer than 90 minutes, but this one had a relationship with the one I would go to if needed.) I explained my situation to the OB floor nurses, and they gave me some great suggestions about OB doctors. Since it was twins, the GP with special OB interest that I chose had to call in an OB specialist as well, but he was good, too. Definitely ask about who is willing to do a vaginal delivery, if that's your preference (the nurses may know). Both mine were born that way, although Baby B needed to be turned. The OB guy's skill really helped there.

On that note, my doctor warned me that it *is* possible for Baby A to be born vaginally and Baby B to require a C-section. That was good to know in advance, although thank goodness it didn't happen to me.

For stuff--you may want to try one of an item to see if it works for either/both children before investing in a second. It depends on your level of sanity and proximity to the stores. We swore by swaddles.

A schedule worked well for us and well enough for the babies. Write down the eating-diaper-sleeping results.

Double nursing pillow, absolutely, if you're planning to nurse. My husband and I also talked before the birth about what we'd do if I wasn't making enough milk to feed both babies. We agreed to supplement with formula as needed, and I'm glad we decided that in advance. Yes, find a good lactation consultant. But, also be OK if you can't do everything just so.

We also co-slept a fair amount, which I never thought I'd do. It was the best way we could manage the sleeping and nursing.

A sling (not sure if they're still recommended, but anything like that would work). It really helped with the baby who was particularly fussy.

It will be hard, so let yourself be OK feeling that. It's also wonderful and amazing and fun. Be kind to yourself and your partner. Most everything else--don't worry about it.

[Heather]

Regarding diapers: we did the diaper service the first 3-ish months. Super easy to just drop dirty diapers in a pail--no muss, no fuss. After about 3 months mom was a rock star about keeping our cloth diapers washed. I would have used the service longer, but I like our BumGenius diapers better than the service offerings.

[jj]

Definitely join a local twin club. That group saved my sanity. Sometimes twins end up in the NICU, as mine did, and the twin moms brought food over for 2 straight weeks. Plus they have advice, playdates, clothing exchanges etc..

[Julie]

(Julie here) WOW, this is--you all are--amazing! Thank you all so much for your words of advice and wisdom and support. This is an overwhelming thing we're heading into and I've been reading a lot to get as much info as I could, but it's great to get real people's experience/advice as well.

We did find and join a twins club in the new town. They have a big twice-yearly sale. I hope I'll find a kindred spirit or two to talk with in some of their meetups. Thanks for the JBF link--I will go to their event too! I just did a cursory search for OB on my insurance site...I think it's going to be a lot of work finding out if they'll take me/if I want them. But y'all's comments will help me figure out what I should be asking about.

I've been hearing a lot about help. We'll have some relatives coming and I think they will want to really help (at least I sure hope so!). My husband has a friend there, and they have a part-time nanny that we are now thinking about hiring a day or two a week as well--he's actually more adamant about it than I've been, though I think after reading all this I will be fully on board. :) I just worry about the expense, since I'm only working part-time now and won't be working at all for probably at least the first three months. But it sounds like if we can afford it the expense will be well worth the sanity.

I will bookmark this post to come back to re-read everything occasionally. Thank you!!

[hedra]

And Julie, take a deep breath, and then enjoy the ride as much as you can when you can, and don't fret on the times you can't. Mine are almost 8 years old, and while I will never say it was easy, there are some really cool parts.

Mr G's advice: "Be Prepared. Just that. Because you never know what you'll need to be prepared for!" ... and he has also said that his twin sisters being born on his birthday was the best birthday present he's ever had. Granted, at 14 years old now, he had to think about it for a few minutes, but conceded that he still hasn't had a better birthday present. Maybe we need to buy him a game system for the next birthday... ;)

[Elizabeth]

Hi Julie,
Just wanted to wish you all the very best. I don't have twins but this all seems like great advice.
My second was an extremely fussy (colicky?) baby and we had NO family around. I agree with the getting help thing: accept and seek out whatever help you can (get the help organized BEFORE the babies come). I had once a week house cleaning and that really made a difference for me. It was worth whatever it cost.

I think hiring the part time nanny for a day or two will be the best money you've ever spent.

Also - try to take a little time for your marriage. Even if it is just an ordered-in meal at home by candlelight once in a while or a foot massage and intentional chat after a long day.

You can do this!

[Nelle]

Hi -

I don't have twins, but I was a nanny for twins and triplets while I was in college (and for years afterwards on the side). Here are some of the things I experienced, so it's my (a**)vice:

1. Me (help). I was a night nanny - my only job was to come over, "sleep" there, and take care of the babies while the parents slept. I had 8 hour shifts, three or four times a week. The entire goal was that both parents got 8 hours of sleep as often as possible, in order to cope with the days. Anyone will tell you that three hours of sleep one hour awake, and another three hours is not even remotely the same as six hours straight, and it's true. Sleep, hours in a row, as much as possible.

2. Charts. Write down who eats, drinks & diaper contents all the time. We used just basic graph paper, this was 17 years ago (!) but I'm sure now there are all sorts of stuff online. It helped me immensely - I didn't have to remember when it was time for me to go what had happened overnight, and it was only an 8 hour stretch. I can't imagine having to remember that stuff for doctors & such, especially when feeding preemies.

3. If they are identical, make an id rule & stick to it. A few people have mentioned it, and they are your babies, but it can be very hard to tell them apart, even if they aren't identical. One of the twins had the name Rebecca, so her thumb nail was always painted red & she was always in the color closer to red. If you don't have to think about which baby is which, especially overnight, then it's awesome. It's small, but it was a huge help, especially as the nanny.

4. Take lots of pics- echoed above, but it's true. If you have the id rule, this is easier, because then you won't have to worry about who is who later, since it's not like you'll be labeling pics & such as you go. :) When I got the triplet nanny job, I had her call the twin mom for advice, and the twin mom said she didn't remember any of it (to be more than fair, several years had passed - I think the twins were 11 then) and was so glad she had pictures, because it all seemed like a crazy blur.

5. Don't be hard on yourself. Whatever that means for you, do it. The twin mom had no trouble accepting help, but had trouble with not remembering things - it bothered her that she had to keep track. The triplets mom had trouble accepting my help - she knew I was there so she could get sleep, but she couldn't ignore her babies crying, so she'd get up & help me, even though she didn't need to. She also gave herself a hard time about not having fun - she had worked so hard for those babies after years of struggle & infertility, and then had a traumatic birth / NICU experience, so she was exhausted, but she was always worried if "am I enjoying this? I should enjoy this b/c I wanted it so much for so long". Just do what you can and feel what you feel. It's not supposed to be anything other than what it is.

Basically do what you need, and have someone around you that knows what you need if you can't figure it out. :)

6. CONGRATULATIONS!! Multiples are so special, and so are you for having them. The twins I took care of became my goddaughters when they were about 5, and are now seniors in high school. The triplets just turned 9, and they got surprised with a singleton three years ago, and are just beautiful children. Good for you, and best of luck!

[misty]

Have faith that you can birth and breastfeed them! And don't let the twin fear parade diminish your joy in your pregnancy. Whatever anybody says, pregnancy is a time for JOY, even (especially?) with twins.

The fear parade for twins can be so overwhelming. You can literally see OBs and nurses' eyes widening, and they take a step back, as if you were diseased somehow. I was so offended by the fear parade. Weekly ultrasounds? Required epidural? Push in the OR? Seriously?

Find an OB who will look you in the eye and say they've assisted in a natural twin delivery before. They must exist.

For breastfeeding twins, you really need:

- Faith and calm: you can do it
- A good latch - and the babies may latch differently; work with them separately at first, with someone holding the other baby, which leads to...
- Help around the house
- Tons of good serious food for you to eat, meals and snacks
- Lots of good soup, ideally with bone broth
- Savvy ways of regulating your blood sugar; really pay attention to this during pregnancy and it will serve you very well during nursing. For me, if I craved sugar, I reached for a protein snack instead, like salami or ham and cheese etc.

Be flexible with what breastfeeding means for you. I supplemented with formula until they were about 4 months, then weaned them off the bottles and fully onto the breast. That wasn't the plan, and I've never heard of anybody else doing that, but I was strong enough by 4 months, and I really wanted it. And they clearly preferred breast milk.

Wow, an AP Multiples Yahoo group?? Wish I'd found that!

Persephone was right on, and what a lot of amazing comments.

[hedra]

@misty, the AP Multiples group has parents of older kids in it, too. :)

[Nancy LaRoche]

Having multiples is such a great roller coaster ride! I second Wendy's product/book recommendations with the EZ2Nurse pillow and the Luke book on multiples! Eat as much protein as you can. NCMOTC.org is the national twins club website, though it sounds like you found a local group. Yay! Rely on those ladies as much as you can - you may even have a lactation consultant as part of the group.

Mostly, just go with the flow and know you're doing ok. They're going to cry and you're going to be sleep deprived. Accept as much help as you are offered so you can get more sleep. And do take as many pictures as you can because those early months will be a blur. I did take lots of pictures, but there is a distinct deficit from week 3 to week 8. I guess times were tough then ;-)

Hard to believe that I wrote this question to Moxie 5 years ago now: http://www.askmoxie.org/2007/08/qa-newborn-how-.html

This site is such a great resource, both for how-to advice on specific topics as well as for community support! Come back often and read/re-read.

If you want to breastfeed, definitely check in with your hospital's lactation group. We visited them 1-2x/week in the early weeks til we all got the hang of things.

I felt a huge responsibility to do nighttime feedings by myself so DH could get a good night's sleep, and that took a toll both on my emotional strength and my milk supply. So we worked out a system so he helped me with every nighttime feeding - we were a team through and through. And we managed to get by! With two of us it not only went faster, but it was a dear bonding period between the four of us as we muddled through learning how to be a family. As tired as I was in those early months, I still look back on those quiet moments at 2am and get teary. We did supplement with formula because my supply was never that strong and it was just easier. DH would change them and hand them off to me to nurse, then prepare bottles, then we'd each feed one a bottle, then I'd pump (hospital rental pump) while he got everyone tucked back into bed. I nursed them til 7 months. It wasn't enough for them to subsist on solely, but it was great bonding time.

As far as "equipment", the only thing we had two of was bouncy seats. We only ever had one swing and one exersaucer. We did have two kinds of double strollers -- a front/back for daily use and a side-by-side for walking and for going to the beach. It was just too wide to take anywhere else.

Oh, and check if your hospital has a new moms group. THAT was a lifesaver for me -- it was motivation to get us all out of the house on a fixed schedule one day a week (and I found a 2nd group with another friend, so it gave me two targeted appointments). That in-person support was invaluable, both for moral support and also because each week a new mom would show up, overwhelmed and hormonal, and I felt a bit better knowing I had gotten through that period (times two!) Our hospital-sponsored group was led by an RN who had little ones of her own, so she was a knowledgeable, experienced resource!

[flekMala]

for moncler jackets outlet XcXxkYIB [URL=http://www.dreamblog.net/monclershoes - moncler jackets outlet[/URL - suprisely OudbvUup http://www.dreamblog.net/monclershoes

[Marclowl]

purchase louis vuitton factory outlet online for more detail uScCsZEr http://www.louis-vuittononline-shop.com/