How Do You Deal With Missing Your Kids?

(I still have to take my last final and finish my paper.)

This is a question that only applies to those of us who share kids with another parent we don't live with, but I bet everyone can help us out. Now seems to be the time of year when our kids are on vacation without us. (Mine are with their dad for three weeks. I'm 8 days in.)

In the past, I haven't even noticed they were gone for the first three days, because they're with their day three days a week anyway, so nothing felt different. Then in days 4-6 I started to feel weird. And then it got really hard because I just missed them so much. Calling and Skyping and texting and emailing only does so much.

I'm not quite as nuts this year, I think because I've been so busy and stressed about school, and now I'm in New York. And also because they can initiate contact better now, so it's not just me reaching out to them.

But I'm wondering how others of you deal with not having your kids for longer than usual.

(And I'm thinking about what it's going to be like when they leave my house for good. Help. Seriously.)

I think of myself as a decently busy person. So it's not like I'm just sitting around wishing they were with me. But it just feels like something's missing without them.

Thoughts? Commiseration? Shut up and deal? Thoughts from the other side?

 

Comments

[melissa]

My daughter is 30 months. My husband and I are married and I only work two days a week. We have spent a total of three separate nights apart from one another.

Is it weird that I feel a physical tingling (like a limb returning feeling after falling asleep)when we are back together after being apart for more than a few hours? I find it very strange and kind of animal-like. I am already fretting about the hospital stay for (Shh...secret) baby number 2 in 29 weeks.

I was really writing to say that you have my admiration. It would be so hard to be separated and you seem to handle it with such grace. I'm sure skype and phone calls help but I am impressed with how you handle it.

[Enu]

Probably something amiss with me; I adore my children but am ok with them moving on. I'm delighted when they're here, think of them often when they're not, but don't fret about it. It's like, not a constant ache or something.

[Celeste]

DD was gone for a full 6 weeks this summer, with two brief overnight returns home for different gear. She had a family visit out of state, sleepaway camp, and a family trip to yet another state for a vacation. It. Was. Hard. I have no answers for dealing with the hard, but of course I always knew she was in good hands and was having a blast. What begins, must end. She's home now and I love having her back under my wing. And yes, it does make me think about my nest inevitably emptying. All there is to do is enjoy this while it lasts, like anything else in life that's fleeting.

[bari]

I think it applies to anyone who is away from their kids for a period of time. I have a 3 year old and I'm traveling for work 24 days between late july-early september. I missed his birthday and his vacation with his cousins (my husband took him.) I am also missing his first day of preschool. Its hard, but mostly for me. He gets sad about 3-4 days into a trip and starts acting out. I am usually away 6-7 days in a row. I almost always cry on the way to the airport. When he was younger skyping was an issue, it just made him confused and sad but now he loves it. He still tries to hug the screen but I think it really helps. Its funny, I miss him alot in the beginning by the 4th day I am usually ok and feel better. Knowing he is in good hands is helpful.

[Dagmar]

Even though we relish some adult alone time, when kids are with grandma, we still miss them. Mostly at bedtime when their little empty beds seem very very empty. I think as parents of very young kids, we are used to their constant physical presence that when it's not there, it's a big gap. I expect that as they get older, I will still miss them but differently. Plus I console myself that they are only gone for a short while. How do parents with college-bound students deal? Or are they just relieved after the 18 year 'race'?

[Gina]

My kids are 26 and 23. It is still hard. It really is.
It is a kind of ache I was not prepared for.
Nobody tells you.
The only thing that helps (me) is to remind myself repeatedly that they are off living their own happy, productive lives.
And that some parents have had to go through devastating illnesses or worse, and This isn't That.

[Charisse]

Hm. So far the longest Mouse has been gone was a stretch of 13 days this summer - 2 sleepaway camps with one day at home inbetween. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I absolutely loved it. I love having her here too, and I was really excited to see her when she got home, but having her gone was such a wonderful refresher of the relationship. (As it often is between people. When you get a chance to miss them, you realize some of their beauties that you may not see day to day.)

But I don't tend toward nostalgia in general (I'm always happy when the kiddo moves into a new stage of growth, have never had the "oh no, she won't be a baby anymore soon" feelings). I guess I also have always made sure I struggled against thinking of her in a possessive way - she isn't "mine" any more than my husband is, we all belong to ourselves, so while I love her and delight in her more than anything, I don't feel like a piece of me is gone (at least yet - I'm well aware that my mileage may vary later).

Uh, which is probably only to say, I might be wired a little oddly, but I think all ways are valid as long as you're still able to let your kid experience going away from you, which I think is valuable for most kids.

[Rudyinparis]

I think I'm like Charisse on this one. That said, I was recently apart from them for two weeks (now, that's a long time, in my world!) and when I would start to miss them, that ache-y feeling, I would just focus on what an amazing experience they were having (they were visiting my parents and doing tons of insanely fun and exciting things and being surrounded by love) and how important it is to me that they have that time on their own with my parents. So, in those situations, I just focus on the benefit to them and how happy I am for them.

For the most part, I love my time without them. I'm just saying that in case anyone else feels that way and feels guilty about it! I love it! And I love having them back.

[snickollet]

I'm in the Enu/Charisse/Rudinpairis camp on this one. I love being with my children, but I've never struggled with time apart. The longest stretch we've been apart is a week, and the few time that has happened, the children have been with my parents. I know that the kids adore that time with my parents and my parents love the time with the kids and I trust my parents practically more than I trust myself, so I never have any fears or concerns. I find that the time apart is refreshing for all of us.

[MLB]

My kids are 8, 6, and 4 and I'm not divorced, but our kids spend at least one week a year with their grandparents. And each year as they've gotten older, I've missed them more. I think it's because they are less demanding now and more enjoyable in so many ways. I miss their company in a way that's more reflective of their individual personalities and our relationship. So I think it makes total sense to miss them and it also makes me realize I will miss them tremendously when they are on their own someday. Part of it is my personality though - I really like having people around, and since they're my favorite people . . .

[kazari]

My son is two and a half and I just got back from a two week work trip to the US (I live in Australia).
Skype was good, when it happened, but the timezone made it hard.
I was ok for the first few days (like you, I was used to that bit) but it got harder as it went on.
Talking about it helped. Knowing it was temporary helped. Planning what we would do when I got back was good, too.
But it's still hard.

[Jan]

I just started back to work in an office after 3 years either not working or working from home and I miss them (8, 6 and 4 months) so much it hurts some days. I deal by staying as busy as humanly possible and crying while I pump.

Which, you know, might not be that helpful an answer, but is nevertheless the truth.

[meggiemoo]

Our little family of 4 is rarely apart from each other (except for work + school). My DH and I even commute together, so we're all together almost all of the time. (This isn't entirely by choice...no grandparent support on either side, not much money for babysitters.)

When my son has a sleepover or is off at someone's house, our group feels *off*. The dynamic is different with 3, and I feel a bit relieved when we're all back in the same house together. (And this is from a claustrophobic introvert, so that's saying a lot.)

I feel best being away from them when they're sleeping, as that would be time "away" in any case. Which explains why almost all of my shopping happens late at night.

[Valley Learning Center Phoenix daycare]

We've had experience where parents come by during their lunch break to see their children. I believe for the first few months will be difficult, however you'll find away through it.

[Kathleen]

It does feel like an ache to me too. The longest I've been away from them is 5 days. And that was hard, but being busy while away made it go okay.

Three weeks is a really long time, especially when they are small like yours and mine. I know you'll find plenty to keep yourself busy with and I hope the time goes by quickly.

I think when they get to be teenagers we will actually enjoy the break!

[Jenny]

Weirdly, when I am away (taking students to France for a month has been the longest break) I don't feel it as much. But when the kids are away, even overnight, I get oddly antsy. I think I feel that when I am home, everyone else should be at home, too: that's the norm. I just had a friend suggest that my daughter should go to camp for a few days, and I reacted kind of weirdly to that idea, but I don't mind going on trips myself at all and leaving them with their dad. Huh.

[laura]

I went to camp 1000 miles from hojme every week for seven weeks, starting when I was seven, every summer for eleven years. There was no Skype then, camp didn't allow phone calls, and my mother was in medical school with no ability to visit, so it was just letters all summer long. It all seemed fine to both of us when I was a kid.

Now I have a six-month-old and being away from him for almost twelve hours yesterday almost killed me. I assume it gets easier, and that different people are simply wired differently on this point (my mother was also thrilled when I left for college, too, although we're quite close).

I have a friend whose kids, like Moxie's spend half the week with their dad. I think she goes back and forth on missing them--she misses them, but then, as she says, "Then again, other moms don't get evenings off. Other moms don't get to say, 'your problem!' Other moms don't get to date!" At least we had a good laugh about that one.

[jenny]

having been a sahm for my girls first 5 years, I left them but only for a few days here and there, when my husband had incredible cities he would go to for work. Now I leave them for a week. And I will say, the last trip 6 days, I was ready to see them. But honestly, as a person who went through their paces to get children in the house, my children are adopted. I fully need grown up time and love to miss them. Missing them gives me a new found appreciation for what I was given. My girls are my world, but I have a grown-up world that needs to be fulfilled once in a while, guilt free, as well...

[Raia]

Between the whining and the crying, I kind of wish I were missing them today! :-)

[anon]

Hey, I'm newly separated, and my three year old is at her dad's for only the second night ever. I've traveled for work before, but this is different. I'm at home, can hear kids outside playing, and of course I have lots of things to do, but I miss her and feel like I should be with her. . . also maybe guilt because of the separation? I found it so hard to pack her little backpack. This gets easier? Please?

[Kate]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't miss her kids when they're away. When they were babies, it was hard to be away from them. I had this new-mother thing of needing them to be with me all the time. But that didn't last.

I don't miss my kids when they are gone. I just don't. They are 9 and 12 and I know they are having a great time at camp (where we dropped them off yesterday) and I don't miss them. I am enjoying the quiet and ability to get things done.

I went to camp for 4 weeks at a time as a kid (wish I could afford that for my own!) and I never missed my parents. I have friends whose kids are awash in anxiety and tears before they go away from their parents (although they end up having a good time in the end) and this is so outside my experience as a kid or with my own kids.

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[Linda]

It gets easier with practice. Promise.

My oldest spent a month with his grandparents at 5 years old when I got my job and had no idea how we could afford care for him. It was both a blessing to have that burden off my shoulders and agony to have him gone. I called every night and drove my mother crazy.

The next year, we were in a similar bind - how do people do this without family?!? - he went for a month and had a blast with his cousins and uncles and grandparents and something new every day.

The next year, it was habit. And he was 7 and we were really ready for a break from his mouthiness and attitude. This was the first year that he missed us. That was hard but do-able.

The next year we were pregnant and my husband was out of work. The stress level in our house was through the roof and we were so grateful that he had a break from it. I really did miss him though because it was the last summer that it would be the three of us.

These last few years have been blessing more than agony. We've gotten some one on one time with the baby and have been able to breathe a little bit. This is the first year that he wasn't ready to leave when it was time to go.

We still miss him but I get to funnel that into making him postcards or sending small letters and very small care packages. It isn't as soul deep as it was when he was 5. It gets better, I promise.

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