Is it ok to post pictures of other people's kids on the internet?

Yesterday I ended up in a conversation with a stranger on Facebook in which she said that she took pictures of her kids and their friends at events like her kids' birthday parties and posted them on Facebook for her friends to see.

I was gobsmacked that she'd assume that it was ok to post pictures of other peoples' kids without their permission. She replied that she posted them to "Friends only" so it was fine because she knew everyone who was seeing those photos.

But what about the fact that the kids whose faces are in those photos (and the parents of those kids) don't know all the people who can see them?

She said that if I objected to having photos of my kids up on Facebook I could let the parents know and the parents would have the choice of whether or not to invite my kids to their birthday parties.

I'm stunned by all of this. It would never in a million years occur to me that someone else would put a photo of my kids on their Facebook page without my permission, or would act as if I was infringing on their rights by asking not to have pictures of my kids on Facebook.

I don't even know how to assess this situation. Am I extraordinarily conservative? Or is she taking extreme liberties?

Thoughts?

Comments

[Franziska]

Personally, I think this whole ” something it's going to happen because my kid's picture is on the internet” idea is totally overblown, so I don't have any problems with friends posting pictures. In fact, we usually do to show each other how cute they are being at the time. I would of course refrain if I knew someone who objected, but I don't. I would not feel the need to ask every parent whose kid happened to end up in the frame (and most likely only on the sidelines, since my focus is on my kids).

[Janet]

I might be naive, but I guess I don't understand what bad thing could happen if someone sees my daughter's picture at a birthday party on FB. How is this different from kids being photographed for the local newspaper at a parade or filmed in their classroom on MLK day and shown on the local news? I think that if someone asked me not to post b-day party pictures (or whatever) I would definitely comply, but I honestly wouldn't think to ask a bunch of parents for permission. I think my friends would think I was weird for even asking. Maybe I'm missing something, though.

[Christine]

I do this with group photos of nursery school outings etc. I tag all the parents of the children so that they can remove the tags if they want to, and I never put anyone's full name up. When I post photos of my kids with other kids (at dance class recital, for instance), on my Flickr account, I don't name the kids at all.

I think that's a reasonable amount of caution, but I'm open to persuasion that I'm doing something terrible, if you really think so. If someone asked me to take a photo down, I would of course do that.

[Alison]

I'm with the friend. Seems okay to me, and standard practice where I'm from.

[Laura]

I'm with you. I don't know why but I am just not comfortable having my kids' faces and names out there. Even if I were okay with it, I would never assume that other people were and wouldn't in a million years ever consider posting a photo of someone else's kid without their permission.

[Carrie]

In this day and age, I don't think it is safe to assume that everyone who posts pics to FB will ask permission. They SHOULD, but they don't. I think it is your responsibility as a parent to let people know that you don't want pictures of your kids posted on FB. It would be really insane if they acted like this caused them a problem. I can't imagine not getting a party invite because of it!

Personally I don't care if my kids' pictures are posted and I only ask permission from people who don't have FB or who never post pics of their kids.

[BlueRidge]

I wouldn't name someone else's kid on FB, but if I post a picture of my kid and there are other, unnamed kids in the shot (a group photo, or in the background), I wouldn't think it was problematic. Even unnamed, I wouldn't post shots of other children alone (like, I don't know, a series of portraits of my kid's friends or something), but as part of an action shot of my kid having fun at a birthday party with a bunch of other kids having fun, I don't seea problem.

[Heather in Oregon]

Most of my friends on facebook and I never both to ask and I'm fine with it. However, friends who do not have facebook and therefor wouldn't know that their kids' picture was there, NEVER without permission. Also, when I bother to blog, I never post pictures of my friends, family, or their children without letting them know that I plan on doing it and giving the opportunity to choose not to be included.

[Moxie]

Maybe this is an age issue? My kids go to plenty of birthday parties where we're not friends with the families (the kids know each other but the parents don't). So it really feels like a stranger posting pictures of my kids on FB. Obviously it's different if it's your actual friends, but for someone you really don't know?

Janet, the difference is that the newspaper and the school are required by law to ask permission before posting pictures of your kid publicly with identifying info. You get the chance to say No.

[Heather in Oregon]

Moxie, that's a good point about the ages of the kids involved. My kids are 4 and 6 and so never really go anywhere that I don't know the parents reasonably well. I don't know that I would feel quite as flexible if they were 10 and it was the parents of some kid they know from school but aren't good enough friends with that I know the parents beyond saying hi to.

[Jen]

It might be an age issue. As my daughters get older I find I am far more careful about where I post their pictures, and whether their friends are in the pictures or not. If I am friends with the parents -- or, say, it's my sister's kids -- I'll post the pic to a filtered Facebook group because I already know everyone is good with that. If I have a picture, like several I took at the school carnival last week, where my nine-year-old daughter and her friends are in it, I won't post it because I don't necessarily know the parents of those kids, and I wouldn't assume it's ok with them that their kid's picture is on the internet.

[BlueRidge]

I guess my question is about "posting pictures of your kid publicly with identifying info." It doesn't sound like the woman you were talking to *is* identifying the kids at all, beyond the fact that they are friends with her kid. This is *really* common practice among my FB friends. Also common--though not something I do, or really even understand--is tagging the kids with one or both of the parents' names, as Christine mentioned above.

[Becca]

I would not post a picture of s kid I didn't know, because I always think of things like...what if there is a crazy ex out there wois trying to track this family down and kidnap the kid? Etc. I am paranoid. You never know somebody else's situation. However, just because I wouldn't do it doesn't mean I think others wouldn't. If I were the parent trying to keep my kids faces off the web for whatever reason, i would NEVER just assume people wouldn't post photos. I think it's standard operating procedure these days to throw everything on Facebook and if I wanted something different it's my responsibility to say something.

[Jenny]

I think if someone's kid is in the background of a picture I'm taking of my kid, and I don't identify the kid when I post the pic online, it's fair game -- as long as we're all in a public space and I wasn't hiding the fact that I was taking pictures. That said, if a parent ever asked me not to post his or her kid's picture online, I'd comply.

[Spacemom]

It depends. If it was a birthday party and I was showing kids in the background? yeah, that's okay. Or like my daughter's skating video. The girl ahead of her is getting off the ice.
If it is just random photos, no, I would try to ask permission first.
But this is me...

[DJ]

I think parenting in the Facebook-era is a new thing and we are all learning the ropes as we go along. We have no manual for this type of thing, so we need to be aware and respectful of other people's wishes.

That being said, I personally am very into internet privacy and believe the norm should be no posting of other people's kids without permission. This stuff just doesn't go away, and even if it harmless like a 5-year-old's birthday party...it still never goes away.

[Me]

I haven't even thought of that!
My facebook is Close friends and family only and the pictures I post I choose to whom I'll share them. I never saw a problem with it.
I have a cousin who doesn't want any picture of her kids on the internet so those pics I sent her directly to her e-mail, but she always sends a reminder before any party so we can consider her wishes.

[Shelli Aderman]

In a word, "NO." I don't care WHAT your philosophy is, they are MY children. If you want to post pictures of them FOR WHATEVER REASON, ask me.

We could be in the witness protection program for all they know.

But usually, for the "cluelessly inclined," I simply say that it's out of respect for their birthmothers. And that usually makes them say: "OH." And then sometimes, "Why?" To the which I reply, that our birthmothers didn't TELL their families about being pregnant. And if someone saw someone who looked like them online, they might question it.

But really? If I simply say: "Please don't post pictures of my kids on facebook." THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

End of story.

[Takshaka]

Oh, I HATE when people do this! And it doesn't matter that only your close friends can see it - if they comment, or even 'Like' the album or a picture in the album, all THEIR friends can see the pictures and often the entire album. That's an average of 150 1st level friends, their 150 friends each - that's 22500 random strangers on the internet who can see my child's picture, download it onto their computers, run google searches or other image matching searches. The internet is a BIG place and most people still don't know how to use the privacy settings on their social media well enough for me to trust them with my children's images.
So yeah, hell no. I'm totally with you. I wish people would ask before putting up these pictures!

[Darren]

Is it something special about the internet or do you feel the same way if someone puts pictures of your child in a photo album that they then show to other people? Is it something about photos or do you feel the same way if someone relates a story about your children to other people? Or posts something cute your kid says on Facebook?

Everyone is entitled to draw their boundaries in their own way, but I'm having a hard time understanding what the actual concern is and why it is more problematic for someone else to post a photo that my son is in than for me to post funny stories about him.

But for what it's worth about my own personal boundaries: I would think it was weird to post a picture that was solely of a child not my own, but I would have no hesitation about posting photos with other kids in group shots or in the background. I would NOT tag the kid's parents in the photo because associating a name to a face feels iffy to me, although I don't have any good reason for that. If a parent asked me to remove a photo I would respect their wishes, but I would probably mock them for being paranoid while I was doing it.

[Laura]

I'm with you, Moxie, but I think we're in the minority. I think the current norm is that it's fine to post pics of other people's kids on FB. In my experience, the parents who are less comfortable with it are those of us (like Moxie and me) who started parenting before social media and photo sharing. (My kids are 6, 8, and 10.) I also hope that people use discretion--like not posting pics from pool parties-- and I would have no qualms about asking a friend to take down a photo if I had concerns.

[tkzk]

If anyone ever told me not to post pictures of their kids, I would be surprised, but of course I would comply. It would never occur to me to ask permission before posting a picture. In my mind, the downsides (in terms of actual dangers, not parents being unhappy) are so infinitesimally small, it just doesn't seem like something worth worrying about.

In my circle of friends, many (including me) post pictures of our kids with their friends, and tag the parents of the kids. This is so that the parents (friends on FB) will notice the pictures. Many people then repost photos with their own kids. The main purpose of FB for me and for many of my friends is to share info about our kids with far-away family members.

[Annika]

I would never post a photo of someone else's kid without permission (though as someone else noted, I might do so if they were in the background of a picture of my kid, or if it was a *close* friend's kid). That said, I don't think there's any harm in strangers seeing photos of my children--it's really just a privacy/control issue for me.

[Awesomemom]

I generally don't post pictures of other people's kids. When I do I don't put any identifying information in the tags or anything and if the parent saw it and wanted to take it down I would take it down right away. I have had other people post pics of my kids online and I am totally fine with it but I understand that others might not feel the same way.

[Alannaa]

People put my kids on facebook all the time and I hate it. Not because I am worried about internet safety, but because I don't want facebook owning pics of my kids.

[Jen]

Laura makes a good point. I started blogging (first infertility, and then adoption) 10-12 years ago when people still regularly locked their *Diaryland* sites. And a lot of parenting friends at that time would only post non-identifying pictures of their kids on their sites. So that was the norm I started with. My friends who have had kids more recently seem far more open about posting kid pictures, both publically and on sites like Facebook where, nominally, we can control access.

[michaela]

Wow, I had NO IDEA that this was an issue. Like many previous posters, I post pics of birthday parties and include shots of other kids -- and tag the parents if we are FB friends. Never occurred to me to ask, because, as others have said, it's common practice in our circles. And it would be fine with me if other parents did the same w/ pictures of my kid (who is 6).

Obviously, if someone asked me not to post pics of their kid, I wouldn't... but I'd be taken aback a little bit. I just don't see what harm will come of it.

Also, to Takshaka: There is a way to change your FB settings so that friends of people you tag can NOT see your photos. That's the option I typically choose.

[kakaty]

I think FB would be the only place I would post pictures of other kids but I never name them. I have my FB on pretty secure lock down which is why I would maybe post pics of other kids.

Other areas (twitter, blog, flickr) I always block/blur out the other kids unless I have permission and it's almost always pics of kids of other bloggers who already post images of their kids online. And, again - I don't used real names.

When others post pics of my kid on FB I untag and request they don't use names.

[Chris]

My husband and I both are sensitive to this and we don't post pictures of other people's children on FB without asking their permission first. I would hope that others would extend the same courtesy to us, but I am sure that some of my daughter's friends, whose parents I don't know, may have done it. We also do not use their real names online. If someone says something about my kid on FB and uses their whole name, I remove it immediately and remind them that we prefer to not use their whole names online.

As far as camera crews etc., you have to sign a waiver when your child goes to school saying whether or not they have permission to photograph/film your child. You can always say no.

[meggiemoo]

I only have one friend who has expressed any concern about her son's face appearing in a picture with one of my kids (they're very good friends). She only asked that I not tag the pictures. Since then, I don't tag pictures of anyone else's kids if they appear in my pics.

99% of my pictures contain my kids' faces only, because, truthfully, I'm not that interested in taking pictures of other people's kids. But when my son has his arm slung around his best friend, yeah, I take the picture. And generally post it. I'm not concerned about this, probably because my kids are little and anywhere they are where pictures are being taken, I am.

My friend's aftercare program takes pics and posts them (I assume with the parents' permission). This seems more problematic for the ultra-cautious, since it's linking a face with a place.

But then, I think the risks of predators finding my kids via Facebook are extremely small (if that's what concerns people).

[alex]

If you're not comfortable with it, you're not comfortable with it. It seems irrelevant whether someone else would be comfortable with the same thing or what they think your reaction should be. That said, if it's second nature to them, they might not think to ask you. But of course they should follow your request once you make it! And to suggest that it means your children shouldn't be invited to parties is honestly just horrendous. I can't imagine your friends would follow that, and I can't imagine you'd want to be friends with someone who would.

[Shelli Aderman]

What Alex just said.

It's not about YOU. It's about the feelings and requests of another child's parent. Just respect it without judgement, and honestly? Get over yourself. It's NOT ABOUT YOU.

And if someone said that they wouldn't invite my kid to their parties because i asked them not to post pictures of them on the internet? It's obviously someone with whom I wouldn't mesh in the first place, so I'd have o problem saying sure, no problem. I'll be happy to not have my child attend your child's birthday party.

It's pretty black and white. If a parent says "please don't..." then don't.

[Kate]

I have never posted a picture of anyone else's kid on on Facebook, and I don't think I would. I have posted pictures of my nieces and nephew on flickr, though, which is more public. Their parents see those pictures, so if they objected, I would remove them right away, but they haven't said anything.

On the other hand, I have had friends post pictures of my young kids on facebook (and tag them), as part of pictures of an event, and I didn't mind. The owner of the daycare my son goes to also regularly posts pictures of my son on her facebook page, and while I actually like it and enjoy seeing the pictures, I was a little surprised she didn't ask permission. I do like that she doesn't tag them and it would give me pause if she did tag them, perhaps because there are so many of them.

And then, to take this one step further, my daughter's school has a picture of her on their website. I don't mind that, either, and they didn't ask permission. My son's daycare DID ask permission about putting a picture of him on their website, and I gave permission. I know some other parents didn't.

Clearly, I don't get very worked up about pictures of my kids on the internet. I absolutely respect someone else's right to, though, and I'm sensitive to the fact that people might not like it, so don't do it myself.

[Cathy]

I feel like what makes debates like this difficult are the unspoken judgments and feelings that accrue in the background. In theory, neither position seems like a big deal to me. Although one can certainly dream up hypothetical situations in which having a kid's picture online led to something tragic, or even simply awkward, the situations described so far are really, really unlikely -- so I wouldn't blink at parents who choose to disregard them, or to whom they simply never occur. By the same token, *not* posting pictures of someone else's kids (by cropping them out, or choosing another shot, whatever) isn't exactly a hardship, so there's no reason in the world not to honor such a request without feeling like the other family can no longer be part of your life. And asking first is certainly a good habit in any case, though I can see how one might make assumptions based on general practice.

Easy-peasy. Except: what the other mom is hearing when you say you don't want pictures of your kids on Facebook is, "You have terrible judgment as a parent. You're endangering your kids and others' because your such an idiot." So she responds in a way that communicates, "You're an overprotective, judgmental a**hole, and I don't want you in my life."

So to me the challenge is how we can have these kinds of conversations without triggering those emotional responses. Parents who don't like photos of their kids online could begin by acknowledging (even just to themselves) that we all do things every day that put our kids at much more likely risks (driving, say), and that we do so because the risks are either small enough to disregard or worth incurring. Parents who would like to post photos online could begin by acknowledging that all parents have their own comfort levels, and that learning to accept others' decisions without interpreting them as a judgment on our own choices is the only way to be a sane and happy human being. Once that's in place, the etiquette will hopefully take care of itself: asking permission is perhaps ideal, but so, too, is politely and promptly responding to any requests for removal.

[TodayWendy]

I think this is something worth writing a serious article about - reasons why people might not want you to post their child's picture on the internet.

I'm very firmly in the camp of not caring at all, and I really wouldn't have thought twice about posting a picture on Facebook with other kids in the background. In my wonderfully safe and ordinary little world, nothing bad can possibly come of it. Yet reading the comments here, I can see all sorts of reasons to avoid doing this sort of thing - especially given the way Facebook makes you feel like you've posted things in a very private forum, to be seen only by certain select people, and then with a simple button click those people can wind up sharing them with a much larger audience (totally unintentionally!).

[Tim]

I often post pictures to Facebook and Flickr of other people's kids (usually with my own, but occasionally alone if they are close friends or family); it has never occurred to me to ask permission beforehand, although I do make sure that no full names are associated with anything I post publicly. If I post to Facebook, I tag the parents of the other kids so they can be alerted to the photo and share it with their own friends.

I do think somewhat different rules apply in the situation where the parents are close friends or family, and the situation where the parents are casual acquaintances. In the latter case, I probably would not post pictures of their kids alone (without my son); at least as of yet, I have not done this, although I have posted pictures like this that include my son without asking in advance. However, if I was taking pictures at a playdate and got a particularly great shot of someone else's kid that I thought was worthwhile to share on the artistic merits alone, I wouldn't hesitate to post it to Flickr.

Like others, if asked I would certainly comply with a request not to post photos, but I would be surprised as I don't quite understand what the concern is.

[Darren]

I've gotta say, Shelli, that it seems to me that it is the parents who are paranoid about photos on Facebook that are making it all about themselves.

[K]

I'm okay with the idea that my kid's face appears in someone else's photo on the internet. That's not the issue. The issue is if someone else identifies my child (like include my child's name) along with the photo. I think I'm a little weirded out by the idea that someday my children could google their names and find photos that they didn't even realize were taken.

[Jennifer]

I agree with you 100%, Moxie. I never post photos of other people's children and have been stunned at times to see pictures of my kids posted without my permission - and then have my name tagged in the photo! If this had been done by a close, close friend or family member, I wouldn't have minded, but it was by a neighbor whose friends outside of the neighborhood I didn't know at all. I err on the conservative side on this debate.

[Kelly]

In my circle of friends, it is just known that we are all ok with photos of our children being posted. I can't remember ever asking permission. A previous poster said that parenting in the age of facebook is very new. In the beginning we didn't even think to ask permission. That said, if one of my friends asked for me to not post photos of their child, I would certainly comply. I would still invite them to birthday parties, I just might not take pictures of their kid.

[Meg]

I whole-heartedly agree with you, Moxie! I hate when other people post photos of my kids. Most ask me now. Once those photos are out there, anyone can copy them and do anything with them. That totally creeps me out. I always ask before I post anything with other kids.

[LP]

Pretty timely post coming the same week as this: http://www.tertia.org/so_close/2012/06/update-on-the-internet-hoax.html
It's fine with me if people want to post pictures of their own kids on Facebook, blogs, etc. but with this kind of stuff going on (even if it is relatively rare), I choose not to post pictures of my kids and don't want other people to either. Not a judgement, just my opinion!

[rebecca]

No no no no no no no. Would not post someone else's kid pics and would not want them posting mine. I don't even post many of mine. Crazy old dinosaur, perhaps, but no.

[snickollet]

A slightly different perspective: I'm a single, full-time working out of the house parent who misses a lot of my kids' activities at school and elsewhere. As such, I love it when people post pictures that include my kids of events that I can't attend, and when they let me know that they've done so so that I can check the pictures out.

It would never occur to me to ask permission to post a picture of my kids that had their friends in it. If someone asked me to take it down because it made them uncomfortable, of course I'd do it.

I would never attach a child's name to the picture. But to simply post the unidentified image? I fail to see the harm.

[Amanda]

I try not to post pics of other people's kids on Facebook.

But in general, I feel like if you are in public, your picture (or your kids) might end up on the internet. It's something we all have to get used to.

I'm sure my kids have been random background kids in other people's park/zoo/whatever pictures. Do I chase down everyone who raises a camera in my child's general direction? No, that's absurd.

[SanFranSarah]

It doesn't bother me if people post pictures of my kids on FB or elsewhere. I am in the same camp as others who have said that they don't see any real negative consequences to this; I keep a family blog that is out there for the world to see.

All that being said, I deleted my FB account four months ago because these issues were getting too complicated. Not just with privacy, but also seeing parties we hadn't been invited to (yes, my inner middle schooler came out) and in general disliking the Peanut Gallery of comments. Because FB etiquette is still evolving, it's easy to offend someone accidentally. I am glad I got off that roller coaster.

[Christine]

I think it's sad that someone might not take pictures of their kids' friends because of this. It's not necessary to post every picture publically; I keep the vast majority of my pictures private but I'm glad I have pictures of my friends from when I was a kid and likewise, I'm glad I have pictures of my kids and their friends hanging out together.

It is interesting that both Tertia and Heather Spohr had real incidents with their childrens' pictures being stolen, but it hasn't stopped either of them from posting pictures of their kids. Have either of them said how they moved past it?

[teachergirl]

it's funny that you should post about this today, because we just took my toddler to a kids' museum, where there are inevitably other kids in the pictures we took. as we are doing more and more fun things with her, and as she is more and more curious about other kids, they are in our shots. i was wondering about what to do. i don't know these kids, and i don't think i would particularly have a problem with someone else including a shot that included my kid in it, but i'm not sure where the line is.

is there some sort of etiquette here? i wish there was a rule of thumb. should i keep those pictures for my personal collection? crop them?

[kimu]

I honestly don't really get the big deal with kid pictures. I just don't. I personally feel like it's overblown paranoia.

[laura]

Well, it's one of the reasons I despise Facebook - because you become at the mercy of other people's stupidity or indiscretion!

So, I'm actually not on Facebook anymore because I was so fed up with it. Even so, I got tagged in someone's photos of a Thanksgiving dinner I was at last year, which of course meant that eleventy-nine billion "mutual friends" then knew what I'd been up to for Thanksgiving (because everyone in the Moms' Group in this town feels the need to "friend" each other on FB). And then random casual acquaintances felt no shame in mentioning my personal affairs to me...so weird!

There is no such thing as privacy anymore. None. Don't delude yourself! You can hope for obscurity, but nothing more.