A friend of mine, who has a 2-week-old, thanked me for being honest about how much the first few weeks can suck. Crying, your not knowing what the baby wants, cluster-feeding, pulling off if the flow is too fast or too slow, etc. He said most people "candy-coat" the first few weeks/months, and he thinks it's because people don't want to admit that their child was like a wild animal.
I would much rather say to someone that I hated the early weeks because you have zero control and the baby is a constant vacuum of need, but gives you virtually no positive feedback. Seriously, when the fact that the kid poops and pees regularly is the best feedback you're getting, it's not the most blissful phase. But I'd rather be honest about that and then talk about how it does get better. Because it does. But also so your friend doesn't abandon all hope.
I never thought of either of my newborns as wild animals, but that's probably because I was thinking of them more as alien cyborgs with neverending appetites. Although I guess that's similar to a mongoose baby.
What do you think? a) Was your child like a wild animal? and b) Why do people candy-coat the early weeks/months? (I remember thinking I was going to punch the next person who told me to "enjoy this phase" because the baby was so snuggly and sleepy.) c) Do you tend to be more of a candy-coater or a yes-this-sucks-er?
All I really remember about the first 4-6 weeks was that DS was essentially an eating sleeping (sweet)lump (oh, how times have changed...for the eating & sleeping part). I was paranoid about him not breathing (newborn breathing is so shallow!). I felt like a dairy cow. So. Much. Relentless. Breast feeding. I actually felt really overwhelmed by that at the end of week one. In retrospect, probably a lot of hormones going on. BUT, he slept all the time. Which I now appreciate immensely since it all basically went out the window from 4 mos - 2.5 years. We camped to in front of the TV with DS in the cradle and watched the entire series of Six Feet Under. I was exhausted, but really at that age DS was fine. I was just trying to deal with all of the emotions around becoming a parent.
I'm neither a sugar coater or a this sucks-er. I'm a realist, so I tend to speak both about the good & not so good. But mostly I let the other person talk and then give them what they want (harsh reality or sugar coating, or somewhere in between). I find that especially for 1st time parents it's so hard to describe being a parent that I think it's just something they have to experience for themselves.
Posted by: the milliner | April 13, 2012 at 10:09 PM
Honestly, I think people sugar-coat the whole freaking gamut of parenthood, from newborn right up until the teenage years, when suddenly you're allowed to admit that a lot of this sucks.
Quite obviously I'm an it-sucks-er: if things really are so great for you, it doesn't help anyone else to know that (and rubbing their nose in your good fortune might actually hurt), but if things aren't great, it can help immeasurably to let someone else who's struggling know that they're not alone.
For the record, the newborn stage was hard for me because I was so freaked out and postpartum-y; my son wasn't one of those angel babies, but neither was he impossibly difficult. Unlike age 6 1/2, sigh.
Posted by: Persimmon | April 13, 2012 at 10:11 PM
I am a freak. Babies did not bother me. They were cute. Snuggly. Nursed. Slept in the middle of the bed. Spent too much time listening to others say kids in bed bad. At 6 and 8 it was fine. Extended breastfeeding was ok too.
Toddlers. Ugh
Second grade with special needs even more ugh. I would take the early days. I had sleeping, happy, cute, babies. They had regressions but did great after a little while.
Posted by: Jo-Ann | April 13, 2012 at 11:09 PM
I like wild animal, but I usually felt they were more like farm animals. Hmm.
My first was so hard, I can never candy coat it for anyone else. But if I had had my third first...I probably would have been really annoying. She slept well and her little noises were easy to figure out. And not just to me and my mom, but we had a guest who could "read" her within 2 hours. Crazy.
So the people who love the newborn stage, I wonder if they have never had a baby who cried all the time and couldn't figure it out? Or they've blocked it all out.
Posted by: SarahR | April 14, 2012 at 09:38 AM
The first weeks/months are hard but I also remember being so blissfully in love with my newborn. It's hard to explain the combination of strong emotions of love, joy, frustration, despair, and everything else often combined with physical pain. I don't think people candy-coat it, but there is something to be said that you do forget the pain and remember the joy.
Posted by: heather | April 14, 2012 at 11:02 AM
I think some people honestly forget what it's like (otherwise nobody would ever have another child!) So some people probably don't MEAN to sugar coat it, it's just the only part their brain held onto!
Posted by: Carolyn | April 14, 2012 at 11:23 AM
I tend to remember the time with fondness. The first week was hard (that's after we got home from the hospital) for reasons OTHER than trying to figure out what a new baby needs - we had to take him up to the hospital to get his blood levels checked, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown taking him through the ER entrance. At one point we thought we'd have to take him back to the state hospital, three hours away and it was very upsetting. BUT my mother stayed with me that whole first week and was wonderful. She did all the household stuff so I could just focus on the baby, and made amazing dinners and was just generally her awesome mama self. Later on you realize that they're only that small and tiny ONCE and you do miss it, in a way, like now I miss the before-1-year-old days. Still, I don't think I'm a candy-coater. I really sympathize about post-partum ups and downs and figuring out breast-feeding. Once I embraced co-sleeping (with my wee tiny infant in my arms) I got a whole lot more sleep, which helped.
Posted by: Sam | April 14, 2012 at 07:28 PM
one of the best things my older sister did for me in the first month (and she did a lot of amazing, wonderful things) was give me the book "inconsolable." she told me to read it if i could - that it would make me feel better because it puts words to feelings you're not "supposed" to have about babies and besides which, i'd feel relieved that my baby wasn't as challenging as the author's. she was right. info here:
http://www.amazon.com/Inconsolable-Threw-Mental-Health-Diapers/dp/1580051405/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334452532&sr=8-1
and one of my favorite stories the author tells is of asking new moms, "no, really, how ARE you?" what a good approach - no need to sugar-coat or yes-this-sucks - listen and go from there.
Posted by: alex | April 14, 2012 at 09:16 PM
I LOVED the first weeks/months/year with my first. He was a dream come true and total bliss. Yeah, he peed, pooped, ate, (he did sleep pretty well) but I loved being a mom and motherhood was awesome and we took him everywhere and my life was a dream come true.
Then the twins arrived. My life sucked ass worse than I ever thought possible. They're 2.5 now and I don't remember the first 2 years. Heck, I don't remember last week. Or what I ate for breakfast today. When they arrived the oldest was 2.5 and he turned into an alienmonsteranimal. All in one.
When I give (unsolicited, usually, because I suck that way) advice to people with one kid I do tell them to enjoy it now--and I do really mean it--because one is so much easier than two. With the 2nd/3rd, I missed those sweet moments of just quietly staring at my baby and drinking in his beautiful little fingers and delicious baby smell. I missed laying curled up with him on the sofa, not having to worry about anything else at that moment. I missed being able to give him my attention when he needed it.
I like to think I'm an equal candy-coater and a yes-this-sucks-er. I'm still working on using the approach that will make the inquiring mom panic the least though.
Posted by: Kelly | April 15, 2012 at 01:11 AM
My bub was incredibly high needs with attachment dramas & colic, she never slept fed every two hours, id had a c section & was single with no support after day 6 then she started rolling & crawling at 3mths...it was both hell & the most wonderful experience of my life & that's why its hard because i don't sugarcoat so much as try to explain that as bad as it is it does change & is so so worth it!!
Posted by: Meridith | April 15, 2012 at 07:28 AM
I expected the first four or five weeks to be tough so dealt with that pretty well - what I hadn't realised is that it would go on for months rather than weeks. I think it was at about the four month mark that it was worst, because everybody tells you that babies get easier after the first three months and ours didn't. Didn't even notice the four month sleep regression as there wasn't anything to regress from...
Posted by: Jay | April 15, 2012 at 04:14 PM
I live in a culture where it is frowned upon to even think that child rearing is difficult, let alone admit it. So yes, I am the crazy one telling everyone about boot camp mentality and lack of sleep as an efficient torture method.
That being said though, and it might just be the all-healing time passing, I seem to start to remember more of the good than the bad. I think people should be told what to expect, but also try to incorporate in their mentality the Kairos moments Mrs. Melton so poignantly wrote about:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
And yes, it does get easier. In some respects ;-)
Posted by: Adina Paun | April 15, 2012 at 05:07 PM
I felt like *I* was the alien in those early weeks. Granted, I had twins, but I tend to be direct when other moms-to-be ask what it's going to be like. I tell them I felt like I had been transported to the moon, because I had no idea what I was doing or how to do it. I couldn't sleep enough to feel like myself and felt like I had no connection to my former self (or even my former life) for about 2-3 months. And then, miraculously, things seemed to get easier and I got more confidence and we found our rhythm.
So, I don't try to downplay the difficulty of those early weeks. I wish someone had told me how tough it could be -- then I might have not felt quite so lost for those few weeks.
Posted by: Nancy | April 15, 2012 at 09:08 PM
I actually used to call mine a wild animal. People would ask me how she was and I would say she was a little wild animal, and this was before 8 weeks of colic and 2 weeks of cluster feeding at least every hour...arghh.
I haven't blocked out the first few months of hell, well, maybe some of it. But I definitely blocked out how awful the last of my pregnancy was. I was in labor off and on for 3 weeks before having my daughter 3.5 weeks early, on bedrest during that time and my father was dying. I remember that it was awful and I was uncomfortable but I can't remember any of the specifics--which is just so great! I'm hoping to forget all the times after she was born that I told my friends and husband that I had made a terrible mistake and couldn't actually do this.
So I am working on becoming a better sugar coater, at least to my own memory.
Posted by: Becky | April 15, 2012 at 09:33 PM
WILD. ANIMAL. I did not immediately bond with my son, which shocked the hell out of me. Yes, I had heard that happens, but I smugly thought that only happens to "bad" mothers and certainly wouldn't happen to ME. My bug and I are now as close as it is possible for a mom and her boy to be, so obviously everything worked out. But clearly I had to take some time to get to know him. I loved him immediately, but it was that obligatory kind of love you have for grandparents you don't see very often.
The boy was a brutally hard infant--he had reflux and he didn't want to sleep and he wanted to be held literally all the time and he wanted to be walked around the house for hours at a time. He refused bottles, pacifiers, exersaucers, bouncers, and anything else designed to make my life easier (except the Moby, THANK GOD). Part of the hard time I had was likely undiagnosed PPD (or probably just D, honestly), but I've looked at other people's infants, and they are not like the wee bug. He was INTENSE from the very start. It has just been in the last year that I've been able to contemplate maybe having another. He took 100% of my attention and endurance.
I NEVER sugar-coat. I don't offer details, but when friends have their first I tell them "Hey, I hope you have a great time. But if you are having trouble, you can talk to me. I had a really really hard time, and i promise you there is literally nothing you can say to me about how hard this is that will shock me. It's okay to not enjoy the first month. It gets a million times better."
Posted by: wealhtheow | April 16, 2012 at 10:45 AM
Also, I was deeply screwed up by reading a baby book (I think it was Terry Brazelton's TOUCHSTONES although I could be wrong) where the author talked about how WONDERFUL four months was and how the mothers in his practice would just stare at their babies during naps waiting for them to wake up because they were just! so! delightful!
Posted by: wealhtheow | April 16, 2012 at 10:48 AM
@wealhtheow, I think you and I somehow had twins whom were separated at birth? You described my DS to a tee.
If you do decide to have another (I did), you may just have one who is a totally different infant. My DD wasn't like my son at all (except she also wasn't the best sleeper). They still have markedly different personalities. That can be a real blessing.
Posted by: meggiemoo | April 16, 2012 at 11:08 AM
@wealhtheow - Yeah, about the not sugar-coating to friends. I sat down with a pregnant friend, and said listen, transitioning to parenthood was the hardest thing that I've ever done. It took me like a year to stop being resentful. I was lonely and unhappy and stressed out. If you need me, I will get on a plane and come out and help you.
I remember one time sitting with a group of women I didn't know who were all talking about how excruciatingly difficult and lonely it was to have a newborn. They all knew I had a newborn. I almost started crying and shouting: THEN WHY DONT YOU HELP ME?!?
Posted by: Erin | April 16, 2012 at 01:02 PM
I'm like wushie and Jo-Ann. I enjoyed having a newborn, a lot. It's not that I am some perfect parent, I've had many many trying times with toddlers and now even older, but I loved being a new (or new again) mom. Honestly it makes me sad to see how many people hate the newborn stage. But maybe they'd be sad to see me driven so crazy sometimes by my older ones, who are old enough to remember it if I'm short with them. I dunno--I had no guilt about taking time for just me and my baby in those first few weeks, I didn't have to worry about work, it was my only job to take care of the both of us. With older children, all the external stress of the outside world makes it a lot harder to keep my balance.
Co-sleeping and nursing on my side while asleep helped hugely, as well, and maybe Moxie did me a favor. I did read this side a lot and expected new parenthood to be awful. Maybe if I had expected it to be sunshine and roses I would have taken a different perspective! At any rate, I am glad at the same time that you're out there telling people it's OK if it sucks. That's a good thing to hear at any stage of parenthood, because I think most of us find it pretty challenging at one time or another!
Posted by: L. | April 16, 2012 at 11:06 PM
"site", read this "site". Not side.
Posted by: L. | April 16, 2012 at 11:07 PM
Wild animal. @erin: it also took me a year to stop being resentful, lonely, unhappy and stressed out. I was totally unprepared and felt incompetent in every way. I didn't have the confidence to enjoy being a mother, especially with a non-sleeping, screamer.
The 2nd time around, the fact that I was living in a world of (literally) shit and vomit was somehow o.k. But, I didn't have to 'transition' to sharing so much of myself in so many ways so much of the time, as I did with #1
I try hard to let new moms I meet know that it's o.k. if they're feeling overwhelmed and just barely making it. Until I found this site (and met the moms I'm friends with), I didn't know the candy-coated descriptions I'd read of new motherhood were by people who suffer from collective amnesia. The newborn period goes so fast it is awesome to witness from 'outside'.
Posted by: Abby | April 17, 2012 at 12:06 AM
@ Abby - I hear you.
Part of the reason I posted the earlier comment is because I feel like some of the newborn misery is unnecessary. That is, if we lived in a more supportive society, the transition to parenthood would be easier, and we would be less isolated, miserable, alone. I know what a huge difference it made for me with #2 to be surrounded by family the whole first four months. I was still sleep deprived and exhausted and leaking milk and wrung out, but I enjoyed it a LOT more.
@L. - I love newborns too. Sometimes I think I want to have a #3 just to experience those amazing first weeks all over again, when you can just spend all day holding them and gazing into their eyes - such a dreamy time. For me, it's not an either/or. I loved it AND I struggled (esp w/ #1). For some it's one or the other, but for me it's both.
Posted by: Erin | April 17, 2012 at 09:15 AM
I prefer now because he smiles and I sleep and do on, but that phase wasn't just awful.
Posted by: sunglasses hut | April 17, 2012 at 10:43 PM
I have 16 months old and I really dont remember first couple months except couple moments here and there. It is one big foggy memory, I guess that because all the sleep deprivation and exhaustion!Good thing is those couple memories I have are very good ones. The ones when u look down at your child and you feel this overwhelming love and all you can do is cry....yeah I cried a lot!
Posted by: zuzka | April 18, 2012 at 08:10 AM
Since my first was actually pretty easy the first few weeks (and beyond), I guess I would be a candy-coater. Once my milk came in and we really got the hang of nursing (week two or so) it really wasn't all that bad. She ate, she slept, she pooped, and she was easily portable anywhere I wanted to go in a sling.
However, my second is due very soon and I could very well end up with a wild animal this time.
Posted by: Olivia | April 18, 2012 at 08:58 AM
My babies were both pretty decent-no colic, didn't sob for hours, etc. What was different was me. I had some major pregnancy anxiety with DD#1, along with a torn up house, beginning staying at home, failing at breastfeeding, a gallbladder removal, and a dog who did not appreciate not being the baby anymore. Oh, and while I would have died to protect her, I didn't really feel bonded well to either of them until about 3 months. Plus my mother telling me how to mother....DD#2 was much easier, but I think the true differences were the circumstances and my experience. I had done it all before, didn't sweat the bottle-feeding, mom and I worked it out, no more dog....lots of things resolved for me.
As for candy or sucking, I will be totally honest if asked. I will be silent otherwise. The first three months are my least favorite, but admittedly I remember thinking "remember how her head feels in your hand" or "remember how her head smells" because, while completely annoying, the reminders to enjoy these days have some merit. I didn't enjoy many whole days, but I have some moments I'll take to the grave.
Posted by: Shelley | April 18, 2012 at 02:08 PM
We called our son (now 7.5 months) the Exorcist Piglet because he would turn red, vibrate and scream, as my husband described it, "like his snout was being sawed off." He cried so ferociously and so often that I had to wear earplugs around the house just to dull the noise enough to not go crazy. Random people came up to me in the street and asked "is he okay?" And one said she had "never heard a baby scream like that in her life." Around the 4th month, he gradually got a little less screechy. Now he's intense and opinionated, but more mellow. In those early months, it SUCKED. Were there adorable, priceless moments? Yes. Did we love him the whole time? Yes. But in general, it SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED. I will never, ever, even if I'm 90, tell anyone that it was easy/delightful/"enjoy it while you can" etc. BUT I know people who have newborns who sleep all the time and never cry. So they do exist. I wouldn't trade mine for the world, but that "fourth trimester" was brutal.
Posted by: Heather | April 18, 2012 at 06:34 PM
This is the most difficult stage for me, specially during my first child. I was so clueless at all, I 'm lucky I have my mom to help me out.
Posted by: Maricris @ SittingAround | April 18, 2012 at 07:10 PM
I *still* want to smack people who tell me how tiring it must be now that my girl is 17 months because now I can't just take her to a restaurant in her carseat and have her sleep. My girl NEVER slept anywhere that wasn't me physically holding her (not even in a Moby) for the first 2 1/2 MONTHS, and even after that stopped she never sat still, got frustrated easily, and didn't really care if I was around unless she wanted to eat then god forbid it took me more than 5 seconds to whip it out...I told a friend at 3 months that if I knew what I did at that point I never would have had a kid!
Fast forward. As soon as she learned to walk she became a whole other kid. She started walking at 9 1/2 months. Now she's a talkative, eerily comprehending 17 month old that sits every morning in the rocking chair after nursing to go find the balloons in every single book on her shelf. It's awesome. She's awesome. But I'll never forget the hell that was the first months...maybe that's why I want my husband to get snipped :-)
Posted by: Anya | April 19, 2012 at 10:26 AM
A-
no one told us how difficult it would be, especially not any of the 5-6 books we read over and over during pregnancy. I lost 50lbs in 3 weeks pp because of the stress and panic. i'm not kidding. i couldn't eat i was so terrified constantly. we are at 17 wks and it's not terrifying anymore but it is still very difficult alot of the time. On FB people see the beautiful picture i put up and say oh, enjoy this time, it goes by so fast.. yeah, right- not fast enough! i will not sugar coat for pregnant/ttc friends and family. why should people be "lied" to? it only leads to worse fear, anxiety,terror and feelings of extreme inadequacy.
Posted by: lynne | April 20, 2012 at 08:34 AM
Long time reader, first time poster here.
I have/had PPD for the last 18 months, only diagnosed by me once my daughter was sleeping through and I could no longer blame how I was feeling on sleep deprivation (although I did have crippling insomnia too). Now the PPD is under control with meds I can look back on the last year and a half and see clearly what an wreck I was - physically, emotionally, and mentally. What little sanity I did have I attribute entirely to Moxie and the Wonder Weeks (God bless you Moxie).
So I would put myself firmly in the "this sucks" camp. Not that there weren't many beautiful moments with my baby snuggled in my arms, but truly, it sucked for so very very long. Although to be fair the first few weeks were lovely for me. It was only once the adrenalin had worn off and sleep deprivation kicked in that things took a turn for the worse. And then when I realised I had entirely lost my sense of self things really went pear shaped.
That said I wouldn't volunteer that information unless specifically asked. I hate unsolicited advice, however well meant. But then neither would I candy coat either. I suppose I would just say nothing. Anyway at the moment I'm too busy dodging the "when are you having number 2" questions to give any advice of my own!
I think people candy coat because of the social pressure to be in raptures all. the. freaking. time. Like as if you aren't , you're a failure both as a parent and as a woman.
Thank you everyone once again for such an enlightening, supportive discussion of a tricky subject. And thank you Moxie, more than you'll ever know. xxxxx
Posted by: Megan | April 20, 2012 at 10:50 AM
Oh, and I always thought of Button as a snuffling dinosaur.
Posted by: Megan | April 20, 2012 at 11:03 AM
I think this makes me strange, but it hadn't occurred to me that a newborn could be anything *but* a wild animal. Any civilizing surely must happen after they come out of the womb.
I think there's a way that the early days are especially animalistic, and Americans in general don't leave a lot of room for that.
And then my baby got colic.
If I sugar-coat the early days at all, it's because, four years later, I've forgotten them and mostly the joys remain. But from the inception of colic onwards, I can tell you it was incredibly grueling.
Posted by: Schwa de Vivre | April 21, 2012 at 09:32 PM
Another thought: in the first couple of weeks, I was overjoyed not to be pregnant and feeling like crap warmed over any longer. I think expecting that I'd be living with an animal-human helped. I'm not sure anyone could have prepared me for colic though.
Posted by: Schwa de Vivre | April 21, 2012 at 09:38 PM
1) we called her the velociraptor for how quickly (read: violently) she latched on. and for her cries, tiny and piercing.
2) i thought for many months that all babes were like d. so much crying. so much rocking/bouncing/wearing/moving to try and stop the crying. rough start with bf, scary, rough delivery that took a long time to heal, co-sleeping did not work. i was so exhausted, anxious, on-edge all the time.
i remember a friend coming to visit when d was maybe 4 or 5 months old and pulling me aside an saying she was worried that my stress level was affecting my daughter. that was a low point. was she right?
Then I watched as three friends had babies the next summer. they all quickly recovered from their births and cooed over their babes who slept everywhere, had tiny cries, and mellow personalities. i realized it wasn't me.
So for 2) I would say that babies really are different. some people get mellow babies (and, like my friend, probably think all babies are like that) some get rougher ones. I would not trade my daughter for anyone and she was worth those awful, awful first several months. But we will not be having a second no matter how many people try to tell the second will be "better."
3) Now that I've realized that not everyone has a tricky babe, I'm trying to get better about waiting to be asked. No, I won't sugar coat if I'm asked, but she's so wonderful now, why mention the rough parts when they may not have to go through them? I will say that I have a lot of empathy for others with little ones with spirit and always reach out if I see someone struggling. now d is almost 18 months and the intensity of babyhood has turned into sweetness, a huge belly laugh, and insane curiosity and i crazy-love her the way I thought I would when she was born.
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Thank you so much for your very insightful comnmets Ali!!!I loved this statement you made: information on it’s own changes nothing. It is implementation of ideas and action that changes things. It hit me like a ton of bricks! You are absolutely right! I had allowed myself (in the interest of growing my biz) to get snowed under so much information and while overwhelmed, unable to actually take action!I am thinking that decluttering your INBOX is a brilliant idea.. I started today to delete anything that hasn't been read in a week.. if I didn't have time last week to read it or listen to it, leaving it on my inbox only makes me feel behind and cluttered!Thank you so much for your input and encouragement!!!
Posted by: Prakash | May 18, 2012 at 02:13 AM
not motherhood but feaotrhohd my wife just started nursing school, so I am provider, dad, breakfast cooker, homework dad, recreation specialist, house cleaner, etc I LOVE IT! the opportunity to serve my wife and kids. I am learning to respect moms and their role more than ever and single moms/dads! amazing what they do. on top of it all i am getting ready to launch a website so i am up late studying SEO, social media, etc as you are. always sthing more to learn! thanks for the article, super encouraging! and great reminder.
Posted by: Esi | May 18, 2012 at 02:18 AM