Q&A: Food, eating, and emotions

J writes:

"I've been reading your website since before I had my now 8-month-old daughter and it's been SO helpful! As we're transitioning to solid foods, I'm finding some issues are arising that I was hoping maybe you or your readership could help me with.

Although I'd consider myself recovered for several years now, I have a long history of food issues and eating disorders. I'm doing my best to keep my own issues out of mealtimes, but when they combine with the mom-voice ("I KNOW you're hungry and if you would just FOCUS instead of smearing that in your hair or chewing on your high chair WECOULDALLBEHAVINGABETTERTIMEHERE"), I'm struggling to keep mealtimes fun, lighthearted, and issue-free. We've been breastfeeding on demand until now, and I totally subscribe to the idea that babies know what they need to eat and when they need to eat it, and I certainly don't want her to pick up on my stress level and begin to associate food with stress... so why is it so hard to act accordingly? I feel like I don't have the time or mental energy to be Awesome Food Mom for three meals a day.

Is some level of frustration normal or am I just totally nuts? What should I be doing? What's helpful for children? Any specifics on what's particularly unhelpful for children? And maybe most importantly - any tips on how to keep my cool?"

Food issues are awful, aren't they? Your own, and your own with your kids'.

First of all, I hope you can let it go a lot at this point, because your daughter is only 8 months old, which means food is just for practice now, so it's all about experimentation and play. You do NOT have to give her three meals a day, nor do you have to have any variety. She is still getting most of her nutrition from breastmilk and/or formula, so it's purely an exercise in "how can I let this roll off my back without repercussions?" at this stage.

Save the hair-pulling for 20 months when you want to bang your head against the doorfarme, hard, at each meal.

I am a huge, huge fan of the "babyled weaning" method of feeding kids. I did the standard bland rice cereal and mashed gruel buildup with my older one, and it felt like another job, and he wasn't all that thrilled with it, and I blame his mistrust of anything that's not white (rice, bagels, mashed potatoes) on the rice cereal. The second one just started shoving whatever he could get his hands on into his mouth (I was too busy chasing a 3-year-old around to bother with mixing up rice cereal) and he's continued to be a much more adventurous eater. I am SURE it's all due to the rice cereal or lack of it, and not their personalities or anything else. (Can you hear my eyeroll?)

Anyway, researchers have been researching when kids start eating solids when allowed to serve themselves, and they found that it was safer (in terms of choking hazard) for kids to eat bigger chunks of things than smooth purees, because they could control the chunks of food inside their mouths. And kids were ok eating something when they could pick it up (so a baby isn't safe eating a pea until she can pick it up with her fingers, but can handle a big chunk of banana because she'll gum off a piece she can manuever in her mouth). There's a ton of info on the website.

Hey, it looks like they've even published a book on it since I last looked it up, called (unsurprisingly) Babyled Weaning. I haven't read the book, but it's got almost 5 stars on Amazon--will anyone who's read it tell us what you thought in the comments section?

The main thing I like about the babyled weaning method is that it makes eating solids not a set goal that can be done a right way or a wrong way, but instead a process of going from baby-who-drinks-milk-only to child-who-eats-food in a slow and self-paced way. So instead of driving yourself nuts trying to be Awesome Food Mom you can think more in terms of what your daughter likes to eat, and not stress if she's into the other sensory aspects of food for awhile.

The other thing to remember is that unless your daughter has sensory issues that make food tricky, she's going to learn to eat solids no matter what you do or don't do. At some point in the future you'll walk into the room and she'll have made herself a sandwich and will be eating it and you'll flash back to right now and think about how you'd never have predicted it, but here she is, a fully-functioning, chewing, knife-skills-having child. (Now THAT is a nail-biter--the first time your kid uses a sharp chef's knife.)

Has anyone else navigated through introducing solid foods past eating issues? Advice or support for J?

Comments

[BlueBirdMama]

Sorry, I haven't read through the comments, but my fave web site on this topic is http://familyfeedingdynamics.com The author is an MD and a disciple of Ellyn Satter-- so the whole philosophy is about Division of Responsibility (DoR). Basically, you decide when food is offered and which food gets offered, and it is the child's sole responsibility to decide when and how much to eat-- this works at pretty much any age.

As for BLW, we did a mix-- I offered some purees in the beginning with my son, but pretty soon (i.e. about 8-9 months) was just feeding him stuff from our plate (within limits of course) kinda mashed up or in pieces. My six month old daughter is going after food and is clearly interested but doesn't quite have the motor skills to put the food in her mouth every time, so she's getting some help with purees, too. But I watch her cues carefully-- opening mouth, leaning toward spoon, saying 'mmmmm', feeding continues; but as soon as she turns away, gives a little sigh and indicates she's not interested, I leave off.

You don't have to do pure BLW to get a good eater. My son is an outstanding eater-- very adventurous. I think DoR helped, as well as exposing him to lots of flavors (why does everyone think baby food has to be bland and unseasoned-- that's a cultural thing that varies hugely around the world, so don't be afraid to put some butter and salt on those peas, or sautee that tofu with a bit of garlic, you know?).

Keep in mind, at this point, it's just about educating your baby's palate, not about getting the majority of her nutrition from food. You want to teach her what is good to eat, how to feed herself and how to listen to her body's cues. The long term goal is eating competence, not finishing the plate tonight, you know?

[Tina]

Can I just say thank you for mentioning 20 months is the bang-your-head-on-the-doorframe stage? If it weren't for ice cream, grapes and nightly breastfeeding, by 20-month-old would waste away to nothing. I guess she's getting what she needs, but ugh... I want to take her to the ped to be weighed every week to keep my sanity!

And yes, 8 months--food is just for play, for discovery. Someone somewhere said if they just taste the food your good to go. No need to eat or enjoy, just trying a food is an excellent step towards broadening their tastes.

I guess if food has been an issue with you, it's almost inevitable that it will be an issue with your baby. I feel that way about cleanliness; I like to be clean, and I like baby (ha!) to be relatively clean, too. I have to let Daddy take her to the park to roll in the sand. I've tried to cut myself some slack and remember that I can only raise her with my own sense of values, and that will mean raising her with some of my obsessions, too. But she has balance, and lots of love, and I try to relax when I can. You're doing fine! Your baby sounds content. Great job!

[Tina]

Let me rephrase: "If food is an issue with you, it's almost inevitable that it will be one of *your* issues with your baby." Yeesh--sorry about that.

[casey]

I have had some food issues, and I have two girls ages 4.5 and 20 months. My pediatrician said something to me that clicked- "hunger and thirst are the two strongest instincts- your kids absolutley will not starve". So, I stock the house with 99% good food and the kids eat what they like. I offer foods with zero pressue and that seems to work best for both of my kids. The more invloved/invested I become in what/how much they eat, the grouchier they become. Now meals are low stress and after a period of having a short list of foods, the eldest is expanding. I wish you luck!

[Dina Rose]

BLW is great. But parents need to remember that the goal is to teach kids how to eat right. We have to provide some structure and be mindful of the lessons we're teaching our kids about food and eating. Research shows that kids learn to eat for emotional reasons as early as age 3.

When it comes to teaching young children how to eat I would say one of the most important things is to pay attention to varying taste and texture. All too often kids get fed (unintentionally of course) a diet that is dominated by either crunchy, or sweet, or smooth foods and then they become resistant to trying other foods.

There's good evidence that kids who eat a diet high in sugar, salt and fat don't eat natural foods like veggies. You'd be surprised how much salt there is in Goldfish, how much sugar there is in sweetened yogurt...

So I say, BLW is good, just make it mindful. http://itsnotaboutnutrition.squarespace.com/

[gretchen]

We have an 8 month old and we started off with oatmeal- she hated it! any and all purees. They were so much work and she hates them. After reading about BLW, we are now having a more successful food experience. Less work for me, more fun for her. Yesterday she had cooked egg yolks (cooled) and banana. All the size that she can grab herself. I will always watch her like crazy- but she sits down with us for breakfast (or dinner) and feeds herself (essentially).

it is not all roses- last night she had a major meltdown at dinner- but it was more that she was overtired then not liking the food.

I hope you find success in whatever approach you choose- I just know that sitting and fighting to get food in my kids mouth was totally not working- luckily BLW is working for us.

good luck!

[sasha]

sounds a bit basic, i know, but when i was at this mothering stage, a very wise family member reminded me: think of eating in terms of week-long stretches. instead of saying to yourself: oh we had a tough eating day, look at the week. kids at this stage tend to function that way so it makes sense...to me, it did, at least.

[ACJ]

Oh baby feeding, how you ruined me.

From the first time someone told me I needed to supplement my low supply to last night's pizza dinner four years later, I am consumed with food issues that I didn't know I had. It makes me think that parenting truly is 90% about me and my garbage, and 10% about my actual, real life, living with me children.

Some helpful things for me:
1) Learn how to deal with choking. Go by the fire department and ask them to show you the choking maneuver for babies - it will take 5 minutes and will give you all the freedom in the world for letting your babe explore food. I unchoked both of my children more than once and it was not a big deal - quick and easy and carry on. You can do the full course, but honestly, I didn't feel like it - if I had an extra 6 hours to do something other than feed and sleep a baby, it wasn't going to be doing that. Firefighters are in the family, so maybe I cheated, but I can almost guarantee they would help you out if you dropped in.

2) Choose language that reminds you what you want to think is important. When they were young (sub- 18 months) I was all about "Ten Days", as many commenters have mentioned. What has gone in there in the last 10 days? Now that they're older, we talk about the major food groups: energy foods, muscle foods, bone foods and vitamin foods. And of course, treat foods. But our daughter in particular (4) can help remember if she's had any bone food lately, or if she's feeling low, if maybe some energy food would help. And then I remember that I want to have a few of each available through the day and that's about it. If I worry about more than that (variety, ethnicity, ingestion methods), I try to make myself turn the worry off.

3) Nothing's permanent. A version of This Too Shall Pass. But with luxury of number 2 is knowing that not only will they change and adapt and surprise, but *I will too*. I can change my mind. I can add a new skill. I will hear or read a new tip that changes everything (family-style dinner has revolutionized my life).

4) To the OP: Reading your second post, what struck me is that this food thing is hardest because it brings you to your knees and you end up in Mommy Anger because your sweet thing is the one hitting your buttons and holy hell, she's Just A Baby! The mommy anger is awful, and I'm so sorry. I think Moxie has lots of good advice for managing it somewhere on here. I found swearing really helpful, but have had to find a new one. Some people like exercise, TV or loud music. But invest in figuring out how you want to handle that because from what I can tell, it doesn't go away any time soon, even if the food issues do.

[ACJ]

PS: I love seeing @hedra here again! so, so nice to have your wisdom around.

[Cloud]

@Dina Rose, the problem is: the research shows a correlation, but does it show causation? I suspect not, because it would be very hard to design an experiment that shows that.

So comments like yours and from other well-meaning "food experts" often come across as blaming the parents for having a picky eater. If only I hadn't given my daughter goldfish! Surely she would be eating her veggies!

Of course, the foods offered have a huge impact on what gets eaten, but I do not think that is the full story. Taste receptors are just proteins, so they, like any other non-essential protein, almost certainly show variation across the population. Is it not equally possible that my daughter happens to have inherited taste receptors from me that make vegetables taste as bitter to her as they do to me? If that is the case, is it really surprising that she won't eat her broccoli? And that since she dislikes veggies, she gravitates towards other foods to get her calorie intake requirements met?

[aa]

caramama's tale is resonating with me here, and I wonder if anyone else has dealt with a very hungry six-month-old. I'm doing BLW with mine after having done the puree thing with his big sister 3 year ago. I love BLW in almost every way, except that he seems to consume almost nothing. He is actually really good at getting food to his mouth, loves to suck on things, is good at taking bites and even chewing them around between his gums but very little goes down. And he is a VERY active guy--already fully crawling, pulling up to standing, scaling furniture like a rock climber and even starting to cruise (which is a whole nother can of worms actually, because his sister was the opposite and how am I going to parent this one?) so he's very hungry. And, of course he is. not. sleeping.

I cannot say for sure that the not sleeping is because he's hungry, but it sure seems that way, as he howls desperately for food every 2-3 hours (if I haven't already just shoved the nipple in there). I am so tempted to start heaping purees into him, but it feels wrong after watching him learn to self-feed, and when I did it a bit a few days ago it just ended up constipating him and giving him gas, which disturbed his sleep even more.

I guess I'm just wondering...I'm not sure what my question is exactly. Any thoughts on this besides that I should try to nurse constantly during the day and This Too Shall Pass? Is it actually likely that his sleep issue is hunger, or is it just the 4-month-sleep-regression-that-never-ended, as many others have reported? And if it is that he's hungry, shouldn't I actually try to up my milk supply and supplement with formula instead of food, for optimal nutrition?

[Cloud]

@aa, there is a 6 month growth spurt, I think- and I guess the way you normally deal with growth spurts is nursing lots. I don't remember either of my kids eating all that much solid food of any kind at 6 months, although they certainly had that option. I think they were still getting the majority of their nutrition from breastmilk then. But it is all a haze....

I will say that we did a mix of feeding options- some purees some finger foods a la baby led weaning recommendations (i.e., long, and easy to grasp and gnaw on). That's what worked best for us. My younger kid loved to try to eat cooked carrot sticks at about this time. She won't touch them now- and hasn't for over a year. But it was nice while it lasted.

[Wilhelmina]

6 months was a big growth spurt with my DD and as she was truly not interested in solids until 7 months it was breastfeeding lots day and night. Like @Cloud said so well. Here in London in 2008 solids were not supposed to be given until 6 months. Now it's four months again.

I got all the puree books and kit and DD hated purees so after we were BLW. As in she chose.

I had no idea then of the food allergy and give her egg, hard boiled which she handed back and bell pepper strips, ditto. Because is was so into the nursing on demand thing I avoided dairy until one year. Big reaction on her birthday meant a Restricted Diet.

All the reassuring noises paediatricians make about your kid eating only applesauce disappeared. Doom and gloom from the nutritionist. I just worked it out with books and dr. Google and DD grows fine.

Many allergic children become scared of food and picky, and lose weight and all that but that's to do with the individual child, not the parent. You can offer a menu to rival a French restaurant in diversity and your child might only eat one cracker and one type of sausage.

In practice DD's approach to food was like any other toddler I know. Some days she won't eat, some weeks is big starch, some weeks it's all meat, veg comes and goes but there's always one she will eat on the plate. I do have to sit on my tendency to panic when we have protein free days but it's vital DD enjoys food and not a " diet of nutrient rich foods".

I'm a strict vegetarian and picky and don't eat lunch really. I grew up in this tense house with what seemed unending meals at table.That worried me a lot when I had DD.

I did meals at table for DD from the start of solids and when able to I eat with her; often that's only dinner. If it gets too much for me to sit and eat I move away from the table and stay in nearby at breakfast and lunch.

DD likes meats and she won't gladly miss lunch or other meals. She will remind me if I don't start preparations early enough.

In other words my picky avoidance and other food issues did not rub off.

[Jen]

Okay I just wanted to make a few comments, most of which other people have said I think. My little girl is nearly 2 years old now, and we continue to have the odd food battle every now and then.

She initially was into the whole solid food thing, then around 9-10 months just stopped being interested. It wasn't until I weaned her from the boob at around 14-15 months that her appetite for solids really picked up. Looking back, I think she got all she needed from me.

You've probably heard this over and over, but trust that your baby will eat when he/she is hungry. There are some days when my little one only eats a few spoons of cereal, maybe a few bits of diced beetroot (oddly, this has always been a fave of hers!) and maybe a cracker. And then one day she'll eat whole sandwiches, bananas, 2 weetbix, etc.

Over time I've just learnt to be less stressed about her varying appetite levels, what she'll try or not try, etc. And you will too. Good luck.

[paola]

We did not go the BLW way either due to my fear of food allergies. I have anaphylaxis to walnuts and buckwheat and am allergic to all other tree-nuts and peanuts, along with such foods as rye, soy, eggplant and wheat and corn meal ( IGe reaction to last two, but no real reaction when I eat them). So of course there was always the fear allergies ran in family ( fortunatalely, food allergies have not been an issue with us, or at least not yet.) Needless to say, introducing solids was a great source of fear and worry to me.

Both kids (6.5 and 4.5) now are great eaters despite my own issues feeding them. Both kids were breastfed into toddlerhood (18 motnhs/30 months), and took to solids slowly, but I do not believe this was due to my anxiety. They were simply a couple of breatmilk drunks who were not going to forsake the tit for the finest Italian cuisine in the world. DD, ( no2) was very slow when it came to solids. She was not at all experimental, relying on 6 staples until 18 months when she finally found her taste buds. She is by far the best of my two eaters, very curious with a particular preference for savoury ( gorgonzola cheese, prosciutto, carpaccio being among her favourties). DS (no1)started off a bit better, but would not eat meat, unless it was hidden in slop until 2.5. All pretty normal toddler behaviour from the sounds of things.

Good luck. You're doing a fanatasic job.

[G's Mum]

I am a little bit late in on this but share the OP's experiences on all fronts. What got us through the first food crises were two books - the Baby Led Weaning book Moxie mentioned and one our very kind and understanding pediatrician recommended - Ellyn Satter's "How to Get Your Kid to Eat, But Not Too Much". It is really a miraculous book. I particularly loved the chapter "Is Your Toddler Jerking You Around at the Table?" Not applicable to an 8 month old, but it sure is to our 22 month old! Best of luck to you, OP. I completely know where you are coming from and really urge you to take a look at Satter's book.

[Barefoot Sports Shoes]

people would never look, the problem is that many counselors tell you to look where all the other millions

[Usher Laura]

I wanted to say a couple of things. First, we did baby led weaning with our now 20-month old. He is an okay eater now, but since his "okay" includes pretty much every fruit under the sun, I feel like he's probably fine. I few things that are/were helpful for me. 1. Adjusting expectations. It's really not necessary for 6-12 month olds to eat much if any solid food. They should be getting most of their nutrition from breastmilk/formula and any solids are just bonus. 2. Nursing as long as possible -- this is good nutritional insurance, to my mind. I know it's not easy or possible for many women, but if you are inclined, this is another good reason. 3. My kiddo loved frozen fruit, and we used the mesh feeder thingys for quite a while -- he loved these when he was teething. 4. To go with the baby led weaning, I am convinced that there are tons of things that babies do not need but that are marketed to us-- such as baby food, or special toddler snacks (puffs --ew). Not that there's anything wrong with these things, per se, if they make your life easier. But since they cost a lot of money, and up until just a few decades ago, babies just ate whatever their parents were eating, I don't think they are necessary. Since for babies, eating is just practice, it seems like they should get a variety of textures/flavors, not bland or processed foods. We still eat a lot of things that people might think are "snacks" -- fruit, yogurt, cheese, crackers, cereal. I just try to make sure that almost all the options are healthy and as unprocessed as possible -- and what he eats, he eats.

Finally, eating disorders are not something I've struggled with, but I wonder if it might be helpful to hand over some of the solid-food feeding responsibilities to your husband? If not every meal, whichever meals he his present for. Just a thought.

[Schwa de Vivre]

I can't speak to the eating disorders aspect, however, I did find moving to solid foods really stressful. I was having a hard time keeping up without having to do all those meals! What worked for that was just doing fewer meals. It's true: their nutrition is really coming from breastmilk (or formula) in that first year.

The meal prep with standard baby feeding was awful. And my son didn't want anything on a spoon. (Now, at age three, he wants me to feed him all. the. time.) So I scrambled to find healthy things he could gum (kavli soaked in broth), and I threw in the less healthy but still okay stuff I remembered from childhood: graham crackers, animal crackers, etc.

Maybe think of mealtime as art, or sensory exploration, or motor control practice? It's all those things as much as it is nutrition at this age. If you're eating well yourself, just give him a little of what you're having, modified if need be. I liked _Feeding the Whole Family_ in this regard: it was geared towards meals that the whole family could eat and enjoy, with small tweaks for wee ones. It helped me understand feeding a baby differently (though I'm still not a vegetarian).

[thalia]

@kelly - the chewing it yourself thing is not a good idea. You don't want the baby to pick up your mouth flora that will contain the bacteria which cause dental caries - babies and children don't have these bacteria and only pick them up through saliva transfer from us.

Other than that, agree with everyone. The stressing over it is a thoroughly bad idea, although SO HARD to do in practice. I have the opposite problem of two children who want to eat ALL THE TIME and who will eat pretty much anything except lettuce. My son is active enough that he is still of a healthy weight, my daughter despite us doing loads of exercise together is on the heavy side of healthy, and I don't know whether to keep on controlling what she eats (she's nearly 4) or let her just eat as much as she wants of the relatively healthy food we provide and teach her to set her own limits. It's a minefield.

[the milliner]

@Dina Rose & @Cloud (and anyone else worried about the salt content in goldfish):

Just checked the package (Cheddar, Whole Grain version) and 37 crackers has 170mg of sodium, 7% Daily Value (of presumably an adult diet). RDI of sodium for kids 2-3 is 1000mg per day, so 37 crackers would be 17% of their RDI.

I doubt my DS eats 37 crackers in a sitting. Probably 1/2 that. This doesn't seem to be an unreasonable amount of salt intake to me.

I agree that we should be keeping an eye on salt intake and the like, and setting our kids up to crave healthy food. But with so many other dynamics at play, especially during the young years, I think the balance of the food equation (nutrition, calories, enjoying the family meal, texture/supertaster issues, control issues, etc) needs to be looked at. While goldfish may not be the holier-than-thou ideal, it could be a lot worse.

I've pretty much let go of my foodie ideals of what my kids' diet should look like (that's me waving as I see it disappearing off in the distance). Picking my battles now and holding up my end of the bargain to provide healthy food and other food we like as treats in moderation, weather or not any of it gets eaten.

[Kelly]

@ paola: "They were simply a couple of breastmilk drunks who were not going to forsake the tit for the finest Italian cuisine in the world"

HILARIOUS!

[Dina Rose]

Children need to be taught how to try new foods. It isn't something that comes naturally. Personality and developmental issues affect willingness to try new foods for sure, but mostly kids are reluctant to eat a wide variety of foods because: a) parents train kids' taste buds to like certain flavors and textures by over-exposure to these; b) parents put too much pressure on kids to EAT new foods when the goal should be a VERY small (microscopic) taste; c) not giving kids ANY information about what something new tastes like (saying "Yum" isn't the same thing as saying "This is crunchy like the toast you like," or "This tastes a little like the yogurt you like because it also has blueberries." It's not what you feed, but what you TEACH, that matters. Dina http://www.itsnotaboutnutrition.com

[wookie]

This pretty much sums up my feelings:

http://www.babyblues.com/archive/index.php?GoToDay=2009-01-26

[Slim]

Wookie, I love that.

[Nicola]

I may be too late, but I have two top tips for BLW (which worked brilliantly for me). Firstly, get anyone involved (husband, grandparents etc ) to read the BLW book by Gill Rapley. Otherwise they'll undermine you by urging the baby to eat more, spoon feeding, praising eating, rewarding with pudding etc (not to say these things are wrong, just perhaps not what you want to do, if you're following Rapley's approach). Secondly, watch the videos in YouTube which show the difference between gagging and choking. My daughter never, ever choked, and always sorted herself out with a bit of gentle reassurance from me. But I had several friends who nearly did the Heimlich manoeuvre on her, as they thought she was choking when actually she was gagging. Finally, if you really can't be relaxed at the table, give yourself some chores to do nearby, to distract yourself and take the pressure of her.

[replica watch]

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