Last Saturday I went to a party at a friend's house, and all of their parent friends and children were there. The majority of the kids were 4 and under. After about an hour, I looked around and thought, "I know I used to have kids this age, but HOW did I do this??"
The random crying/shrieking/whining. The bodily fluids everywhere. Sippy cups. Pick me up put me down. Constant need. Helping them navigate stairs. Trying to figure out what in the name of all that's holy they're trying to tell you when they point at the shelf and repeatedly say something that sounds like "murf!" The never being able to take your attention from them for a single second.
The constant
constant
constant
need.
And all these parents at the party were total champs, responding appropriately and seeming to not be sucked under by it all. But wow.
So I posted on Twitter about it this morning, that I genuinely do not remember that phase now that my kids are 6 and 9, and got a flood of responses from people in the middle of the toddler clustercuss. Based on those responses, I'm glad I've blocked it out. Seriously, how do any of us do this age range??
One responder asked for advice on making it through this phase. Since "Drink. A lot." is not really healthy or appropriate, I thought maybe those of us who have older kids could shine the light at the end of the tunnel.
So if your kids are older than 5 years and one month old (because that seems to be when the x-treme neediness combined with opposition ends), could you share some words of wisdom for people still in the middle of it? If you remember how you felt then, maybe compare that to how you feel now? Or talk about how the challenges now are different than they were then?
I'll start: Both of my kids are so much more self-sufficient. I can tell them to get dressed and they go find their own clothes in the drawers and put them on. They fix themselves snacks. They monitor their own hunger and thirst. I am completely out of the loop with their bathroom habits. I tell them to take a bath or go to bed or brush their teeth and they do it (grudgingly, but still).
My challenges at this age are helping them navigate socially and academically, and remembering that they are still little boys even though a lot of days it's like having two adult roommates who just like to snuggle a lot.
Who else has an It Gets Better for parents of toddlers?
I drank. A lot. No really, I kind of did. My SIL and I managed to marry wonderful dad-moms for our boys, and they would watch this kids while we drank and bitched and moaned and laughed for a few hours every week or so.
18 months and 3 years were the worst ages for me. 5+ is easy, funny, and sweet. The other day it suddenly dawned on me that he can do everything by himself--dress himself, feed himself, turn the light on himself, wipe his own butt himself, turn on his own movies and video games, and even shower himself.
5 is a little smart-alecky, and I'll admit that every now and then I miss my chubby baby/toddler, but watching this little boy's thoughtful and wickedly funny personality evolve totally makes up for that.
Posted by: Jana | July 20, 2011 at 08:29 PM
I've got a 2.5 year old and a nearly 5 year old and it's kicking my ass right now. Nearly every day I reach a point where I just want to cry. My little one is constantly near peril (a boy thing?) and my 4 year old is constantly near "hysterics" as I have grown to call it. They are either thick as thieves or they are fighting like cats and dogs. They are always calling for me, asking me to do something, get something, feed them, watch them, tell them what we are going to do...etc. etc. Maybe because it's summertime and I'm with them so much, but if being 5 is a magic number, I'm going to hold my breath for the next couple of months until my older one turns 5.
I'm positive that what I described above is perfectly normal, but I've sort of reached a point where I just simply want to be drunk all day. In any case, this post by Moxie is very timely for me and I'm also looking forward to some hopeful stories!!
Posted by: toomuchstrong | July 20, 2011 at 08:49 PM
When I posted my first comment I was kind of thinking, "We have an easy-going kid for the most part. Things aren't so bad. The crazy-making days have considerably lessened since 2yo and definitely since 1yo when there was more of a constant demand."
Yeah.
Tonight was a contrary, 'stay with me mama' whine-fest filled with many requests for 'milk à mama' while I was trying to get things done, like dinner on the table, refusal to say goodnight to papa who was going out, the list goes on…
I don't know if the bad periods are worse now or if they just seem that way because you can actually see a contrast now between good days/moments and trying ones. Nah…I think it's just the contrast. Sleep regression hells of younger ages (and all the fallout there from) were much, much worse. For me anyhow.
Time to make a margarita, I think.
@SarcastiCarrie, 'unicorn awesome sauce'…nice.
@Erica, "That said, I would like a quarter for every time I hear "Mommy!" :)" Ha. This would be the best paying gig out there. I would be rich. Rich!
@Slim, Thanks for the specific examples of the delightful behaviour we can (hopefully) look forward to.
@Tine, "Sometimes I'd like to serve us ALL a shot of tequila." Heh.
@Jan, "Mom: You may have/do X or Y. 2 yo child: [chooses X or Y] 3 yo child: NO! I WANT Z!" Oh yes. This is exactly it. Joy oh joy.
@Stacy, Oh, the damn counting. I'm getting so sick of hearing myself say "three more times of doing X and we're stopping Y…that's one…etc." (But thanks to @Sharon from Proactive Parenting - it works…even if I'm sick of saying it!).
@Charisse, Glad to hear that that the shrieking/whining etc. moves through phases and eventually is grown out of. Also, re-read your past question and I was curious what ended up working for you guys in terms of stopping the yelling on Mouse's part? DS is in this phase of whining loudly (almost like a yell) when we do something he doesn't like and it's getting mighty annoying. And then half the time we stop doing whatever and he gets upset again because we stopped. We remind him to use his words. But if you have any words of wisdom…
@Erin, We're in the same boat with our 3yo. He 'hits' us after a correction. I say 'hits' in quotes as he does it so gently sometimes that I have to stop myself from laughing. We try to be as gentle/matter-of-fact as possible for corrections unless it is something ultra dangerous / life-threatening. Mostly we succeed. Sometimes we don't. His response is definitely worse when we don't succeed at being matter-of-fact for run of the mill stuff. And I think too that he is flooded with anger and even more so, shame, after he's been corrected. But I don't know what to do with that. All I end up saying is 'It's OK if you made a mistake. I'm just telling you how it feels/what you should do the next time so that you know.' To which he usually "hits" again. Until he's even more verbal I'm not really sure how to deal with the whole shame thing. Ignoring always escalates for us and we don't do "time outs" either. Anyhow, no real ideas for you but just commiseration.
@Rudyinparis, Awesome. Story.
Posted by: the milliner | July 20, 2011 at 09:11 PM
Oh my god, the whining! The never-ending whining! S is 21 months and very, very vocal but, even when she tells me what she wants, it turns out she doesn't want it, oh wait she does, no she doesn't, but maybe... wwahhhhhh!!!!! Everything's a blessed whine these days!
So I obviously have no tips, just commiseration on how tough some of these days can be. I have half-conversations with friends these days, too, as their kids are either older or younger and don't need chasing. Whereas I'm always looking for slips, spills, rocks, other kids, stairs, cars, water, dirt, you name it.
Posted by: Tina | July 20, 2011 at 10:04 PM
And let me second whoever said the amount of sleep you had influences how you deal with the day. We're trying to get S to sleep all night in her own room, and things are not going to plan. She was up from 4 till 7 last night--like she was a 4 month old again. Lord help me, it was a tough day...
Posted by: Tina | July 20, 2011 at 10:12 PM
I'm a little afraid to ask, but what exactly is so "effing" awful about 3? What types of behaviors? My son will be 3 in about 2 weeks... and I have to say that in the past 2 months or so he has matured so much and is generally quite fabulous right now. But everyone always talks about how awful 3 is, and I'm just curious what makes is so rough.
Posted by: eeeeee | July 20, 2011 at 10:41 PM
Wait, you're NOT supposed to drink? Well crap. Now I have to totally reevaluate my parenting.
I have almost 5, 2.5, and 1 (today!). It is... insane. Just insane. People ask how i do it and i say "I don't know, I guess I just do it because I have to." I really don't know, I am so exhausted all the time. And sometimes I can be a huge asshole to my kids when it gets to be too much, and then that starts the guilt spiral and etc etc etc. I mean really, I can see it getting better already. The oldest doesn't need me to deal with her bathroom stuff, she goes to bed easily after a book and a kiss, she is helpful and fun and sweet with her sibings. The whining can be a bit much, and the neverending negotiation, but really she is her own little It Gets Better example right in my house. So on those days when the little ones have pooped 3 times each and I feel like I'll never again go to the bathroom by myself - I can remind myself that she is proof that it will happen. Someday.
Posted by: Leah | July 20, 2011 at 10:41 PM
@eeeeee, I think the 2nd half of 3 is supposed to be the most challenging part with the contrariness, refusal to co-operate, digging-their-heels-in kind of tantrums, etc. We've seen glimpses of this now at 3y1m, and those moments are not much fun. I'm sure the Moxites who have lived through 3 will have many more concrete examples...
Posted by: the milliner | July 20, 2011 at 11:06 PM
@eeeeee, Oh yeah, and I think it's the age (one of the ages?!) of big power struggles. Because we all need more of those in our days.
Posted by: the milliner | July 20, 2011 at 11:07 PM
Well, I don't mean to jinx myself, but I'm finding 4 a big improvement over earlier years though certainly it's got its downsides. Our kid in an only which, though it's not what I'd hoped for, does have its advantages (But ye gods! The pretend play where I have to act out a role -- "Mama, you be a bird and I'll be a t-rex," -- and follow a set dialogue -- "Tweet tweet! Oh, hi, t-rex! Are you a friendly t-rex [pause] oh good, because I'm just a tiny bird. I'm hungry, do you have any food that birds like to eat? [pause] Oh, I don't know, seeds and worms and stuff..."). Er, where was I? Oh, right. Mostly I'm just glad he's getting older, enjoying me reading slightly more complex books to him, and that there's a short but real list of stuff we (both) really enjoy doing together.
I've learned to be pretty ruthless about directing us toward activities I enjoy, when feasible (e.g. kayaking, where he can participate but can't wander off), and have just recently realized that I had gotten too cumulatively flexible about a bunch of things that, collectively, were exhausting me (and honestly, providing him with too little structure), e.g., I don't *really* care whether he falls asleep in his bed or ours but if I don't insist he go to his right at bedtime and stay there (which instruction, oddly, he -- knock wood -- will follow), he will spend longer settling in *and* I will later have to move him to his.
@Lynn I am very grateful to be a WOHM; I hope you'll get over feeling guilty. My son is awake and *going* 13 hours a day every day and I do not have it in me to keep up.
@Erin I've taken to insisting my son apologize and this seems to approximate a solution, though I'm not sure (and mine is enough older than yours that the approach, even if appropriate, may not be relevant to you.).
Posted by: Alexicographer | July 20, 2011 at 11:24 PM
@eeeeee, I can safely (now that we're past it) that three was in fact delightful. We had a rather bad 2.5 year old period, and it wasn't just in comparison that three was better, it really was nice. No, she wasn't perfect, and that would be boring, anyway.
I also really liked 4, though there were short (~2 weeks) periods of moodiness and finding offense in *anything.*
She's 5 and a quarter now, and utterly wonderful. So the 5 + 1 month wasn't a huge turning point here, but an ever gradual getting more independent, more conversational, and yes, much more interested in death. Odd, but normal I hear.
Posted by: Claudia | July 21, 2011 at 02:18 AM
@Erin - mine will be four in two months and he was a hitter/screamer toddler, too. Sometimes just a barely there tap and sometimes to try and hurt me to stop me from picking him up or putting him in time out. About five months ago I started using the counting/no discussion method in I-2-3 Magic because I was stuck in endless negotiations that ended up with yelling or tears of frustration from one or both of us. Anyway, during this new process the hitting amped up (it had almost disappeared) and I finally just had a conversation with him when he wasn't all wound up that hitting was never, ever acceptable. That he had words to use and I understood he was frustrated but hitting was never, ever acceptable. It sounds ridiculously simple - why wouldn't I just say that about all the behavior I was trying to get rid of, right? But I don't have a lot of hard and fast rules. So this really got his attention and any hitting got an immediate time-out, no discussion until after. It only took a couple of times and it stopped but I think a lot of my parenting "successes" are about timing. When I match my methods and goals to his ability it works, when I'm off it doesn't.
Posted by: mom2boy | July 21, 2011 at 06:31 AM
It totally gets better, but I'm 2 years off of this point with my youngest, my highest maintenance, most sensitive, still trying to crawl-up-my-nose preschooler.
So I can look at my older two and know that the scale does tip at some point.
My older two can do reasonable amounts of housework (bulleted list in each room of what tasks must be completed for the room to be "clean"), make toast, pour their own milk, get out their own craft supplies (but never seem to clean them up :P).
They don't need help in the bathroom other than a final hair rinse in the shower and a tooth check to see that their toothbrushing was done well.
Posted by: wookie | July 21, 2011 at 07:49 AM
Thanks for posting this. Yesterday was hard, the 4.5 year old was pitching a fit about everything from what clothes to wear to a craft gone badly because the paper was double sided and she didn't want to mess up either side. The whining, does it ever stop? And the 14 month old has figured out a new trick of climbing on furniture and is now doing so without ANY self preservation instinct. I needed to know that it should.... slow down, at least with the older one, in just a few months.
Posted by: KimC | July 21, 2011 at 08:11 AM
@Everybody - thanks so much for the advice & tips & commiseration! The only thing that I feel like I'm doing "right" on this front is that we can totally see that he's reacting that way out of anger and shame (especially the latter). So I try to keep it matter of fact, and also keep things from escalating. But I often just lose my temper (gee, can anyone here relate?!?) especially when he pushes his brother. I had a little revelation last night - I realized that we'd spent SO much time on trying to figure out which correction to use and implementing them all the time that kind of his whole life had turned into one correction after another. I thought, Whoah, I need to back the f**k off this kid. So instead of picking up Stop Reacting (which I love, Sharon!), I picked up Playful Parenting, which I had already read but when he was kind of too young for it. And now I'm really starting to think about all the ways I can re-direct & express his emotion through play rather than correction. We'll see how it works in practice, but it feels like the right thing.
Posted by: Erin | July 21, 2011 at 08:39 AM
Well, I have a 4 year old and a 6 month old and right now the baby is winning. Sure, I have to watch her like a hawk to make sure she's not eating pebbles (she learned to crawl about a week ago and her favorite thing to do in our backyard is crawl OFF the nice safe clean padded mats and explore dirt caked into the concrete patio instead), but on the other hand she NEVER whines or talks back. Ever.
Posted by: Jessica | July 21, 2011 at 08:50 AM
My daughter is 2 yrs old, and her constant need keeps me from being able to even imagine something different. She's not even very good about playing by herself. We (husband or I) have to play with her or at least be her audience at all times. The the times when out of the blue, she just drops to the floor crying and rolling around? I usually laugh because WTF? Where did that even come from?
Posted by: Olivia | July 21, 2011 at 09:17 AM
@Olivia - my experience has been that my - now 3.25 y.o.- started getting better at playing by himself as his capacity for imaginative play increased. 18-32 months the best I could hope for in terms of his solitary absorption in an activity was about 15-20 minutes (and only if I played with him for 10 minutes first). My theory is that it's the ability to engage their own imaginations that makes self-play possible, so it can only really happen when they're older.
Posted by: Erin | July 21, 2011 at 10:11 AM
YES. This is why we have so much beer and liquor in the house. And I'm not much of a "drinker" - but a drink every day at 5pm is a must.
Anyone in the Ann Arbor area - WE SHOULD GET DRINKS. :-)
Posted by: Johanna | July 21, 2011 at 10:12 AM
So far, as in it's been two weeks 3.5 is much easier than 3 or 2.5 or 1.5 or 8-12 months or colic.........Yes it's all drama and I do it MYSELF and there are still epic melt-downs but far fewer than before.
Fighting sleep since 2008 but once asleep she's staying it for longer.
And we can do more things together now, go to places or in terms of playing at home without massive struggles and we actually have fun now ( in short bursts of course, and nothing is all " fun" for the whole outing)
On the downside of course she's now so big and tall that the struggle part is kind of over. Without serious injury to myself there's no moving a stroppy screaming DD so I keep those struggles to a minimum. I just stand and get the comments and proffer tissues for the final weepy stage.
Now bribery and corruption have begun working too, with the verbal. No that's not great parenting but the " don't scream now but let's try to get home and get your chocolate coin ( Kosher, dairy free for the allergic) " will work. I keep that to a minimum also. But it helps when it does.
The main huge guilt now is that as other posters have said she is " on" thirteen hours a day, and sometimes longer, and there is the constant, constant, constant need.
I just don't have the energy, and have to limit going to the park/playground and other physical exertions. As I need to help her and haul her and lift her and all that. I can't do long periods of that and she could go for an hour and a half or more.
I now know, hah, that insight took a very long time, that if I over-do the rough play during the day I get to snapping impatience in the night-time routine later.
Also I feel guilty about being a tired old crone mother. I am old and have aged another 25 years since having her in carbon dating. Often when she finally goes to sleep I do too and I seem to need more than she does. Ugh.
My elderly friend made me laugh. She was watching DD and myself and said " you forget what it's like " and then said she'd not volunteer for baby-sitting. It gave me the feeling it is not just me coming up short in mothering.
Posted by: Wilhelmina | July 21, 2011 at 10:17 AM
Thank goodness for this post today. My DD is 27 months and is half awesomeness and half holy terror. The worst part is feeling like I have no idea how to handle the stubbornness and tantrums any better than we are. We try very hard to be consistent with boundaries and time-outs usually work when the situation warrants it, but the constant neediness is relentless.
I could handle this all a lot better, I think, if the sleeping was netter. From 8 months, when we did Ferber sleep training, until last month, she slept like an angel. Then, last month, everything went to hell. And since both DH and I work full time and are exhausted, we haven't figured out how to get her to sleep reliably throug the night without sleeping in her room with her.
Has anyone got tips for sleep training a toddler??
Posted by: Crabby today | July 21, 2011 at 11:39 AM
We LOVED 4. I thought it was amazing. 5 was pretty good but 4 still seemed just slightly better. It was the first time that the next year didn't seem better than the prior. 6 has been challenging but good. Yes, they are more self-sufficient but with that comes a lot more 'tude and whining, etc.
Yes, 3 was challenging but wasn't horrible. I think the thing that helped me get through it was that during the first year, each month was slightly better (I have twin boys - the first 6 months were so overwhelming but then each month helped after that). And then each year things got easier and easier so that helped me.
Now at 6, my husband and I are still amazed when we get together with friends, we can have an actual, real adult conversation while the kids play. When the kids were younger, I was lucky to finish one sentence! That part is definitely nice.
Posted by: mo | July 21, 2011 at 11:53 AM
@Erin (sort of) on the Playful Parenting front, I have had some luck with showing my (then) toddler how one can, e.g. Stomp. Ones. Feet. On. The. Floor if one is mad (though I realize not everyone likes teaching toddlers, or anyone, such things). It's not really playful, exactly, I mean, I'm not actually kidding (or playing around with) the thought that one might want to release one's anger and needs to find inanimate objects on which to do so, but of course it can, to good effect, be done with some sense of drama.
Posted by: Alexicographer | July 21, 2011 at 11:56 AM
Thank you parents of older kids for the stories and information! These years of parent young kids are effing hard! I've just increased my budget for wine to help with the 2 yo whine!
Things are starting to get easier, and we see a light at the end of the tunnel! It helps to see my nieces and nephew who are all 5 and can do so much by themselves. My daughter is a bit over 4 and son is 2, and we just took down the babygates everywhere but the top of the stairs!
So why am I wishing so hard for an another? (Hubby is done, I wish we weren't.) Sigh...
@Parents of 5 yos and older: I keep telling my daughter that Mommy and Daddy won't have to take a turn brushing her teeth when she turns 5. Is that reasonable?
Posted by: caramama | July 21, 2011 at 12:10 PM
And because I've missed you all so much and rarely get to read all the comments, I've got some responses!
@Laurie - The thing I've found about the fours is that it's a lot better, just not consistently. Definitely two steps forward... but... one step back.
@SarcastiCarrie - "Other days I am ready to send him to be a page in a feudal castle 'cuz you used to be able to do that, you know." Bwahahaha!
@Slim - Thanks for the concrete examples! I love to hear/read them!
@Jan - "But whoa, being able to say, on Friday night, that nobody has to be anywhere first thing Saturday, so Mommy would love to sleep until 7:30 and then have that ACTUALLY HAPPEN ... that's pretty priceless. :)" That is Awesome!
@Charisse - "Full on sh*tfit tantrums became coherent shrieking around 3, then gawdawful whining around 4, and shrieking was only for tired/hungry situations." That is so accurate! The rest of what you said must be true then! I always can handle things a lot better when I know what to expect, so thanks!
@RudyinParis - "The waitress looked me straight in the eye and said, "Sometimes it makes you a better mother." There was no judgement. She got a big tip." AMEN!!!
@Leah - Happy birthday to your youngest! Also, you totally are supposed to drink! See @Rudyinparis' comment and @Johanna's comment. I wrote a whole post about it once. ;-)
@mom2boy - What you said, exactly! That is how we've dealt with similar! OMG, the spitting phase was the worst! That was when I actually sent her to her room.
Posted by: caramama | July 21, 2011 at 12:10 PM
@themilliner, I'm pretty sure a combination of hedra's advice to get on the same side with her when we could, together with a lot of "I can't hear you when you shout" and "hey, that was a useful way to say that, thank you" when she didn't shout...and then eventually she got used to being bigger and it improved. But my memory is a little fuzzy. ;-)
Posted by: Charisse | July 21, 2011 at 01:28 PM
I will never, ever forget the first time the kidlet and I came home late and she did her usual late-night routine of flopping on the couch and having to be micromanaged through every step of the bedtime routine, and I was able to say, "Well, I'll kiss you now, then, and you can put yourself to bed, because I'm going to sleep." (She was maybe nine? ten? And what she did was leap up and run for the bedroom, because she wanted that kiss in the usual bedtime place and not fully dressed on the couch!)
It's a great moment when you can hand off to the kid both a choice and the consequences of that choice.
Posted by: Resonant8 | July 21, 2011 at 02:18 PM
@Charisse, thanks. Will give it all a go.
Posted by: the milliner | July 21, 2011 at 02:38 PM
We're at 3 years + 1 month. Do I get a prize for this age? Pretty please, with a cherry on top?
I love that he can express need, potty trained really easily (after some failed attempts), and is usually a good kid. The whining can definitely get on mommy's.last.nerve.
We're camping next week and I'm totally psyched because I think he's going to love it. And I'm glad we didn't do it when he was a baby or a toddler- chasing that around a campground would have sent me over the edge.
And despite sounding like I have it easy, I feel that I wouldn't be able to handle another one (never mind that I'd have to find a $$ tree to support another one). So I'm still in the one-and-done camp.
Posted by: Sweet Judy B | July 21, 2011 at 02:46 PM
@the milliner. We as in the parents and the pre-school had success with DD and stopping her screaming. She did a lot of that and never more so than around her third birthday and with her very loud voice it basically meant misery several times a day.
Basically we said to her that we could not hear her if she screamed. That we'd listen if she talked and happily so.
Initially that did nothing at all and she'd scream and scream and then cry. Then we'd hand her a tissue and wipe her eyes. As learned from the paediatric dentist.
Then gradually she cried and then talked at the end and we'd thank her.
Soon she'd say " I am CRYING! while waving a tissue" which was ever so fake so we'd have to talk to her I suppose but she's been talking since.
It helped a lot also to give her an " out" from major tantrums and screaming fits. She can snap out of them by herself. Amazingly the other children in the Montessori class just shrug her moodiness off.
If we tell her off she cries loudly like she's been hit or something. It's a protest and a form of hitting back.
One major drawback of 3.5 compared to 3 for her is that now she won't hold hands while walking at all and will run away from us if she can. Including into the road. Very scary. But in most other ways 3 was worse.
So it's back to the back-pack with a lead attached.
Posted by: Wilhelmina | July 21, 2011 at 03:09 PM
Thank you for this post! I have a four year old and a six month old, both of whom are basically delightful most of the time, but last night I had to take a deep breath and give myself the "You can do this. Think about mothers living through war and famine with their kids. Think about being a broke single mother. You can make it through this moment of temporary lousiness" pep talk. I did make it through the moment but am seriously looking forward to the time when I don't have to constantly strategize about how to get my four year old to cooperate, but can just say, "time to put on shoes" without there being a 20% chance that it will evoke some sort of drama or another. Since he is mostly a thoughtful, smart kid, I see the light of the tunnel-- of course, that'll be about the time things really start getting interesting with the baby :-)
@Erin, I hear you on everything. For us, I think it was just persistence-- constantly communicating the message that his feelings are heard and respected, but that hitting/throwing/kicking is never acceptable. My four year old's temper still gets the better of him sometimes (esp. when he's tired or hungry, and keeping on top of that has helped). The good news is that at four you can have conversations at other times about his behavior (as you mentioned) and sometimes it sinks in. My kid loves signs/writing/drawing pictures, so we wrote down all the things he can do to express his anger other than hit/kick/scream and put it on his door. We also wrote a letter to his preschool teacher about it (for him, not really for her). I'm amazed how much it helped take the edge off.
Another thing that really helped was more rough-housing a la "Playful Parenting". I realized that I have been spending so little 1-1 time with my son due to the baby; so I carved out play-fighting/wrestling time with my son every night before story and bed, or, if we have time, before leaving for school. He *loves* it-- it's a great positive release and his behavior during the day has ratcheted down a notch.
Posted by: BlueBirdMama | July 21, 2011 at 03:43 PM
My darling (most days) 8 yr old daughter started being a lot of fun right around age 5. I don't remember exactly when it happened because I was in the middle of toddler craptasticness with her little brother, who was 2.
Now little brother is 5 yrs and 2 weeks and he is also starting to be a delight. He doesn't pick battles with me as often as his sister does. If we could just get him to tell us when he pees his pants instead of hiding it and lying about it, he would be a perfect model child.
Posted by: Chris | July 21, 2011 at 04:53 PM
Oh, god, so much better. The SLEEP! It nearly killed me, and it's a big reason we stuck with only one ("As God is my witness, I will not be 47 years old and getting up multiple times a night, so help me God.")
Now, we all sleep through the night, 90% of the time. Amen.
And: Fun! This morning, the kid peeked in at 7 to say good morning, went into the bathroom, peed, flushed (!), washed his hands (!!), then climbed up on our bed for a little snuggling and conversation about Jedis.
They're still snuggly, still pick-uppable, still half-believing in magic - and you can have real conversations, and get each other's jokes. You can play Monopoly together (with a little math help). You can go for hikes that are more than a half mile long. You can explain why sunscreen is necessary even though it's a pain to put on, and he'll understand (despite whining a bit). You can drop them with an auntie for 2 days and know they'll do fine, avoid starvation/meltdown/certain death, and have a ton of fun.
You start wanting time to slow down so it can be like this for a long time.
Posted by: Lisa | July 21, 2011 at 07:05 PM
Everybody who's struggling -- a warm friendly IT GETS BETTER from this direction too. Mine is now 7, and in the background I hear her giggling as she beats her dad at baseball Wii.
But my WORD the tantrums, I remember the tantrums, and how hard those were. Occasionally there's still a little meltdown, or a heavy-duty Parenting Moment occurs when I'm not feeling up to dealing with it. But now - she takes showers by herself, wants to dress herself (sometimes with fascinating color/pattern combos, but hey) and is this interesting, interested person who observed to me recently, "Mama, I love my life."
As far as the baby/toddler stage -- I miss certain moments of that time, but I don't miss the long days and nights. I hope it doesn't irritate anyone in the throes of the worst of it when I say that in retrospect, it seems to have gone quickly -- I do remember how long it seemed at the time, and that she would NEVER sleep thru the night/be potty trained/stop tantruming or whatever the difficult phase of that moment is. But it does, it does, it DOES get better.
Posted by: Shelley | July 21, 2011 at 08:32 PM
oh Shelley! "I love my life" my heart just melted.
Posted by: Leah | July 21, 2011 at 08:56 PM
What Leah said! Dang. A comment like that can erase years of irritation.
Posted by: Tine | July 21, 2011 at 09:08 PM
Thanks @Wilhelmina. You're giving me hope for 3.5! DS already occasionally dashes into the parking lot. Mostly I can catch him in time or get him to stop before getting to the edge of the entrance. We're working hard on 'red light, green light' and looking both ways before crossing.
Posted by: the milliner | July 21, 2011 at 09:10 PM
My hubby is in charge of bedtime for the 2.5 yr old (I'm working on a paper so I go sit and type and don't have to answer cries). He wants to know when the "I need this item and this item and this item and this item and the blanket has to be just so" stage is over.
Posted by: scharkey | July 22, 2011 at 01:34 AM
I've got one of each - 5.5yr old son and 2.5yr old daughter. Which is a good thing, because I can look at my son when my daughter is driving me mental and know that it does get easier! My daughter is SO FULL ON! I thought girls were supposed to be easier at this age. Not my girl.
I'm not breastfeeding anymore, so I can have a drink. And truly, some days all it takes is one little drink to take the edge off and I can calmly cope with all her neediness.
Other days, as soon as my husband gets home from work I run screaming into the street! No, not really, but I do feel like it. When she is really painful in the evenings I put her in the bath, get a magazine and sit in the bathroom with her until the water goes cold - she is happy and I get to just sit for a little while. Water seems to be like magic on a grumpy toddler.
I avoid places where I can't be sure she wil be safe or its just too hard - she gets into everything and runs off, so if I am going to spend the entire time stressing I just stay home. Everybody is more relaxed that way and I know that in a year or so I will be able to do those things again. Has saved me heaps of money too as shopping for things like clothes is just not possible!
Erin - my son went through a throwing stage, and my daughter is in the thick of it now. It passed. I dealt with it by calmly stating that it wasn't acceptable and that whatever was thrown went "up" where they can't get it with a "if you are going to throw your toys, you can't have them". Once they calmed down, then I'd return the toy.
Posted by: Michelle M | July 22, 2011 at 09:44 AM
I guess we're in a good phase, but I'm really enjoying 2-1/2 and 5-1/2. The younger can navigate stairs by herself without falling on her head, they play together nicely (mostly), and the older can do a lot of things for himself.
The 12-month and younger age was harder for me than toddler years, but that's probably because my kids (mostly the first one) were really challenging babies. And non-sleepers. Now that both sleep through the night the majority of the time, the rest seems like cake to me!
Posted by: meggiemoo | July 22, 2011 at 10:03 AM
Oh, and now when we're at the beach, I even get a moment or two to page through a book for five minutes. That's pretty sweet.
Posted by: meggiemoo | July 22, 2011 at 10:03 AM
Not so much an it gets better for the toddler/preschooler set, but just wanted to put out there that my kiddo is 3.5 and I am enjoying the HELL out of this stage. So if you are dealing with a difficult babyhood/infancy, take heart--it may get better sooner. I think a ton just depends on your personality and your kid's personality.
Posted by: wealhtheow | July 22, 2011 at 10:03 AM
Which isn't to say that I don't often get frustrated or exhausted or what have you. But he's just so FUNNY now, which makes up for SO much.
Posted by: wealhtheow | July 22, 2011 at 10:09 AM
Being that I have a turning-six-tomorrow son and a she-will-probably-never-be-six daughter in the throes of toddlerdom, I concur, wholeheartedly with your assessment, Moxie. My son is a breeze, my daughter is WORK. She's a sweet 21-month-old snuggle lover, and her temperament and energy are waaaaaay easier than her brother's.
Brother had DH and I running for our lives for the first four years of his life, but now, compared to his caveperson sister, he takes the cake on the ease of the day. And honestly, even when brother is a pain in my (that), I still marvel at the fact that he DOES get himself a snack, monitor his bladder/thirst/hunger status, get his toys out to play, use manners without constant prompting, etc.
And my awe in those moments is only increased when his sister walks in, a hot mess, pointing at something and muttering an long chorus of whining and screaming mixed with "dat, dAt, DAT!"
And even though the cling factor is extreme, there are still times when big brother is talking back and being all sass that I cherish my toddler who still sits on my lap with her blankies and snuggles every day.
Posted by: Boomer | July 22, 2011 at 12:16 PM
I couldn't agree more! Life is sooo much easier now that my son is 4 1/2. And the parent amnesia has set in for his toddlerhood and baby days too, sadly. As much as they are developing every day into brand new territory, we are too, as parents and we need to be refreshed and ready. I was thinking that if we had a second child we might not be able to fully appreciate the more rational (slightly!) thinking and independence that our 4 year old has developed. Ride the wild waves my friend used to say. Very little we can truly control. I try to enjoy all of it as much as possible, even the dark times and tantrums. We can't have one without the other.
Posted by: Beth | July 22, 2011 at 02:12 PM
I'm new here and just want to say that this site is saving my sanity right now. I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old, which probably explains the sentence preceding. Moxie, how do I email you? My computer is being a toddler, and every time I click the "email me" link, I get an error message.
Posted by: Jennifer | July 22, 2011 at 10:29 PM
I have a (2weeks away from)6, (2days away from)2, and a baby due in February... this shit will not end til 2017... is that what you're telling me? WAHHHHHH
No, with the oldest she was not a whiny toddler. The almost 2 year old is typical whiny screamy kid, and I think it's because she decided not to talk until now. The lack of language has made her most frustrated.
2017 cannot get here soon enough!
Posted by: Shalini | July 23, 2011 at 12:06 AM
@Jennifer, Moxie's email is askmoxie-at-gmail :)
Posted by: Charisse | July 23, 2011 at 12:43 AM
When my daughter was 9 I realized I had finally (almost) gotten my life back. All she needs is a driver, a soundboard, and a support system. It's great. Oh yeah, I make sandwiches too.
Posted by: Dina Rose | July 23, 2011 at 07:14 AM
Oh man did the toddler phases whoop my butt. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my kids at that age, but DAMN, was it hard. So much work. Some days I would just cry with frustration. I suppose that's why nature makes toddlers so freaking adorable and hilarious - the species might not advance otherwise... ;)
But I'm here to echo Moxie. IT DOES GET EASIER. I promise. My kids are 9 and 12, and while were already dealing with middle-schooler hormonal changes (!), I can honestly say parenting is SO much more rewarding for me as my kids grow.
Aside from the obvious independence when it comes to personal care (yes, it IS awesome not to think about anyone else's poop), there's another set of hands to do chores, and depending on where you live and your comfort level, run errands. But best of all are the relationships - ours with them and theirs with each other. We all have personalities from the get-go, but I have found, at least, that as my kids' identities become more nuanced, I enjoy their company more and more. Plainly put, they're interesting people. They have social consciences, wicked senses of humor, developed interests and talents, and as the rest of us do, weaknesses. They are all-around awesome people I get to share my life with.
For the record, however, parenting is never without it's challenges; they just change over time. And, yes, just like during toddlerhood, as soon as you hit your parenting stride in how to deal with the challenge-du-jour, those kooky little buggers move on to a new challenge and you're back to the feeling-your-way through phase. They keep us on our toes, don't they?
Posted by: Susie | July 23, 2011 at 09:25 AM