Q&A: Guilt

C writes:

"Is it normal to be 7 months into this parenting thing and feel like you've already failed spectacularly?

Milestones: My daughter is hitting them...I think. At 7 months she still doesn't roll over on a regular basis. I've seen her do it both ways but most of the time she seems content to just be where she is. Same for attempting to crawl. She doesn't really want to. She sits up like a champ though so I don't know if I should be worried. I know I should bring it up with her pediatrician, but I'm afraid to.

Sleep: Is awful. Has been since she was 4 months old. I can't get her to do more than 3 hours in her crib before she appoints herself Queen of the Bed for the rest of the night. I feel like it's my fault because I brought her to bed with me early on and let her nurse back to sleep. It was the easiest thing at the time and now it's the ONLY thing that works. I don't have a partner here at night to pass her off to...so the task of breaking her "habits" feels daunting.

Play: I'm staying at home with her for now, but by mid afternoon I've gone through everything there is to do at least once. I feel guilty when I put her in her jumperoo or on the floor to play by herself and when I'm not constantly talking to her. I know that these are unrealistic expectations to have of myself but I'm having trouble finding the right balance. It doesn't help that I suffer tremendous anxiety about leaving the house. I feel like I'm robbing her of a lot by being cooped up inside with her. We go on the occasional playdate and out to do errands but it's just not enough.

I guess that's my question. Am I ever going to feel like I'm doing ENOUGH? Is this relentless guilt and wishing I was better just part of the new mom thing or is it a forever thing? Is there ever a point where you think "Hey, I'm doing an ok job after all" and if so, how do you get there?"

Ouch. That makes my heart hurt.

C, you are doing a good job. You are an excellent mother.

All this stuff you're worried about is stuff you've picked up somewhere that you should be doing, but none of it matters. None. If she's happy and meets your eyes and responds to you, then the milestones will work themselves out. (Plus, I don't think she's actually late at all. It sounds like personality, not lack of skills. She's the girl who's going to sit back and watch her friends do stupid things and be the photographer.) Also, 3 hours in a row at 7 months does NOT constitute Bad Sleep (although it is bad sleep), and who cares if she's in your bed? She's only 7 months old. And let me repeat this again: There is no need to play with a baby. As long as you're responsive when she makes a play for your attention and you talk to her enough (which doesn't mean constantly), anything else is gravy.

As to the question about whether or not it goes away, well, I don't know. I feel like there's always something to feel guilty about if you let yourself. I also feel like sometimes feeling guilt is a way of compensating for feeling like we're not doing enough. As if immersing ourselves in guilt makes up for the stuff we think we should be doing. Which is twisted and ultimately super-destructive to ourselves.

I am going to ask you to do three things:

1. Make sure that every day you are taking either fish oil or flax seed oil capsules 1,000-2,000 mg, a B-complex supplement (you can buy the orange-flavored drops at any drug store or big box store), and magnesium. (The magnesium is a little tricky because it doesn't absorb all that well orally, so either buy some as oil from Joan at www.health-and-wisdom.com and then rub it on your feet--tops and bottoms--every night before you go to bed, or find chelated magnesium tablets. The magnesium is important because lack of it causes anxiety and insomnia, and lots of us get low on it because of pregnancy.)

2. Find people and places that are in touch with the reality that you're doing a great job. Whether they're online, or (better yet) in person, there are tons of people out there who know that having an infant is a hard, unrewarding job that mostly involves showing up every day. Surround yourself with those people, and stop reading books or website that make you think you're supposed to be stimulating your baby's mind constantly or that you have ANY control over how she sleeps or develops physical milestones.

3. Ask yourself what kind of mother you really want to be. Be extremely honest with yourself. Think about what your priorities are. Consider making a parenting Mission Statement about what you want for your daughter when she grows up that you can influence. Then, if it's not directly contributing to who you want to be and who you want your daughter to be, stop caring about it.

Who's got something to say to C? Helpful contributions might include: Data points on hitting milestones like crawling and rolling over, stories of kids who could do everything but didn't want to, the guilt you felt/feel, how to find supportive friends, whether you remember how long your baby was in your bed or not, and anything in the general "It Gets Better" genre. Thank you!

Comments

[M.T.]

Wow. Yeah, I know it is easy to feel like this, especially if you are isolated. I'll hit two points:

Developmental Milestones: these are just ways for you doctor to spot larger problems. As long as you aren't grossly negligent (which you absolutely are not) what you do or don't do is not going to make a noticeable difference here. And there is huge variability in fuses milestones among perfectly healthy normal babies. Don't even think about developmental milestones until your doctor asks about them, is what I say.

Playing/talking/stimulating: I wish people would relax about this. Babies and kids do not need constant interactive attention. I don't even think its good for them. They need time to just watch what's going on around them and fiddle with safe objects and figure out stuff to do with their bodies. They need to know its ok for them to be (kind of) alone and quiet. ( and if you have a lot of trouble leaving the house, id suggest trying to see a therapist about it. But that's for your sake more than your baby's.)

[Anonymous]

I can really see myself in this post. I still feel guilty about all kinds of things with baby #1 (who is now 4.) The second one, not so much, and I have NOT done a better job playing with the second (20 mos.) than I did with the first. I just think the first one is so daunting and the second follows along into a pattern that's already established. Somehow that means less guilt.

I am not much of a playful parent. Instead, I'm good at kisses and hugs and going places to do fun stuff (gets much easier as they age. Didn't go a lot of places when #1 was 7 mos.) We have toys everywhere, but it's up to the kids to play with them. Sometimes I still feel bad about this, but it's how I was raised, and I was incredibly close to my mom from childhood straight through my teen years and into adulthood, so I think it can be okay.

As for sleep, #1 didn't sleep through the night till probably 9 or 10 month and didn't go to sleep well till she was around a year (when we finally broke down and did CIO). Even then, she was probably in our bed at least once a week till she hit 18 mos. Then she just stopped wanting to come and now she's four and sleeps in her own bed all night every night. #2 was a sleeper, and we had some set backs, but she's basically been in her own bed all night since about 9 months. But that was luck, not skill.

Anyway, I agree with Moxie. C, you're a good mom. Find a friend who is really good to you and hang out with her. Vent, cry whatever. She'll tell you you're normal and good, and you'll grab coffee or wine or whatever, meet at the park and life will get to be fun again.

[Anonymous]

P.S. C, if you are in the Dayton, Ohio area, say so. Maybe we can hang.

[eep]

Oh, C, oh honey. Yes, it does get better, and yes, you are doing a wonderful job. Babies can be boring, and that's OK. Babies can be assholes, too, and that is also OK. Seven months is challenging because you think you should be through the worst of the newborn/infant stage. You look up one day expecting to find lovely vistas and all you see are more mountains to climb. Kid doesn't sleep like you expected, and the 24/7 nature of motherhood is just really dawning on you. I got treated and medicated for PPD when my first was 8 months old. I felt so awful, like it was fine to feel like that at the beginning, but by 8 months I should be over it, right?

But yes, it does get better. Slowly and incrementally. I now have two kids, the youngest is 15 months. I feel like an OK mother most days, and I enjoy it most days. But not everyday.

I won't speak to milestones and such. She sounds fine to me. If I were you, I would consider speaking to a professional (either a therapist or your doctor), work on the anxiety about going out, exercise, and find a way to have time to yourself.

And please, don't be afraid to ask your pediatrician anything. S/he has heard just about everything and should be able to address all of your concerns. S/he might even be able to help you feel more at ease about your parenting. Pediatricians are resources, not just medical professionals. Good luck. I will be thinking of you. Just know that I was exactly where you are not so long ago and I made it through.

[Sam]

I am so glad I never felt pressure to "play" with my baby. For one thing, it's completely boring after awhile. I really think it sets the kid up to equate Mama with entertainment. I always knew I wanted a kid who could entertain himself and play happily alone - that's a valuable life skill! So play a little bit, read books, peek-a-boo, but let yourself off the hook. Utilize the jumperoo or exersaucer - I used to put mine in his exersaucer while I had to cook or unload the dishwasher, especially.

As for the sleep stuff, I know it can make you feel crazy, especially if you know other mamas who like to brag on their own kids' good sleeping. If you like co-sleeping then there's no reason to stop, even though, like you, I used to put mine to sleep in his crib for the first part of the night. I'm glad I did that, because it established a routine that could continue later. It's okay to do half-and-half, or whatever works.

The milestones will come. Every baby is SO different. Let yourself enjoy her being a baby - it's such a short little time - and know that you are doing a great job.

[T.S.]

On developmental milestones: this sounds kind of like my son (now 13 months). He liked to sit a lot, but didn't show any interest in crawling and although he could roll over at 7 months didn't really do it much (unless you tried to put him on his tummy, in which case he would immediately roll onto his back). At 8.5 months or so he started scooting on his butt around the house, and now at 13 months he is cruising confidently and walking a fair bit (and also finally experimenting with crawling).

We did discuss it with our pediatrician, and she was very reassuring and told us that plenty of kids find other ways to get around, every kid follows a different path and just because the path your kid is following isn't "typical" doesn't mean there is anything wrong. If you like and trust your pediatrician, he or she can hopefully reassure you that everything is fine if you bring this up - half the job of a good pediatrician is to reassure parents that there kids are doing fine when they are (and it sounds like your daughter is doing fine).

[gretchen]

milestone wise: our 7 month old refuses to roll over- I say- she could if she wanted to, but she just doesn't.

She also wakes up every 3-5 hours at night to feed- but then she falls asleep right away- so honestly- I don't count it. When someone asks me how long she sleeps at night- I say: "11-12 hours and she wakes up a few times in between to eat" I agree that some of it is personality. She would be sleeping in our bed more- but I noticed that when she sleeps in our bed- she wakes up earlier. So I feed her in our bed, hold her for a bit after she naturally "de-latches" and then walk her across the room to the pack and play set up in out room.

I feel guilty when our daughter is not being entertained at night because I work all day and I really want my time with her to count. But, sometimes I need a break and I have started to realize that sometimes she needs one as well.

One way that I get through something that could rock the boat is: “Will doing X really rock the boat? Or is it my perception?” OR “If I don’t go out and do X with her now, she will never get comfortable with it and we will never be able to do it in the future.” I still have guilt. I know that in our culture it is just about impossible not to. But, I see her thriving and our parenting works for us and it works for her. So I am gaining confidence in our decisions and really trying to read our daughter.

You are doing an excellent job.

[Kara]

You are doing everything a baby needs. Try not to be hard on yourself, definitely build yourself a support system, step out onto your doorstep every day for five minutes (then ten, then fifteen) just to make vitamin D. That's as far out of your house as you have to go for your baby's well-being other than doctor visits and grocery runs.

Every baby is so different! My oldest never did really crawl, just sat up and one day decided that standing would be a good idea. I honestly can't remember if or when she rolled over. My youngest got here trying to roll over, but currently at 12 months prefers to crawl even though she can walk if you hold her hands. My friend's 9 month old doesn't roll over or pull herself up to sitting, although she can sit and stand without support if you put her in those positions. Her pediatrician says that if she can't do those things by about 15 months, then they'll worry. The point is, it's a range, not a target.

About sleep: at 7 months, my babies were still co-sleeping or in the bassinet in my room. I think that babies sleep better when they hear the sounds of other people sleeping. Honestly, at 7 months I would have loved to get three hours of sleep out of either child. I have horrible sleepers, though. My oldest didn't sleep through the night, much less in her own bed, until she was 2 years old!

I agree that babies need some time to themselves. Tummy time, wiggle time, bang toys on the floor or high chair time. Independent play encourages problem solving skills and can cut down on separation anxiety issues later.

[Jen]

This is pretty much how I felt until DS began TALKING around age 2. He didn't crawl until 10mo, and like your DD, he just liked to sit and watch. He still does - he's no kamikaze kid!

Lack of sleep + anxiety + not wanting to go out to me = possible PPD. I didn't get diagnosed until 10mo PP, and I attribute it fully to not getting enough sleep (me - not DS) and being anxious about whether I was doing things right. I know all the vitamins and minerals that Moxie mentioned are to fight depression naturally, but I'd call your OB or nurse line and see about setting up an appointment w/ a counselor. Once I was on anti-depressents, things were much better and I was able to wean off of them when DS was 18mo and started STTN (on his own - you will get there!!!) and I started sleeping 7-8 hours at a stretch.

[Shandra]

Oh my god I want to give you a huge hug. I have a 6 year old and a 5 month old, and I am feeling the "mid-baby malaise" which is...for ME, babies are BORING. What I have learned is so what, it passes.

Okay so #1 - didn't roll over much, didn't crawl until almost 10 months, didn't walk until 16+ months, then immediately got up and OPENED ALL THE BABY LATCHES and PUSHED THE CHAIR TO THE COUNTER TO CLIMB ONTO IT. Thus we entered the age of terror.

So no worries, okay? Always discuss your concerns with your pediatrician - it's NOT a report card on your parenting!! If your ped makes you feel like it is, get a new one.

For boredom - man, I hear you. I echo everyone else here...you really don't need to play with your baby all the time and it will burn you out. If you can, invest in some of the gadgets that the baby can use on her own (toys strung across a playpen, bouncy seat, playmat) or just put her on a blanket with some toys. Dance, do yoga, clean, read - whatever. It's okay.

I recommend, IF you like to read (if not, no biggie) The Philosophical Baby. You will be astonished at what is going on "in there" without your intervention basically at all.

Baby wearing helped me go out. But a stroller works fine too. :) If you can do a class to meet moms, great. Or see if there are groups in your area.

For sleep...let me just say I have parented my kids with respect to sleep almost exactly the same way - nursed to sleep, watched for sleep signals, not fretted too much about a schedule.

#1 was as you describe your daughter for more than a year and slept more than a 5 hr stretch...after he turned 3. #2 did 6 hour stretches at 3 weeks and still does, mostly (having said that, he'll stop.) There are lots of things you can try but ultimately you cannot make a child eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom. They come somewhat pre-loaded. Parents who think they have found a magical sleep solution...have. For THEIR child.

I will suggest if you haven't tried it a 2-3-4 pattern - first nap 2 hrs after waking, second 3 hrs after waking from that, bedtime 4 hrs after waking from that. (I think I got that right; I read about it here). But if it doesn't work do NOT beat yourself up.

However DO work to get sleep for yourself. Get someone to take the baby out out OUT for a walk and take a nap (you can't hear her when she's down the street at the park!)

You are doing fine. Truly.

[Kate]

And may I add that if you are putting her on the floor to play by herself you're doing a wonderful thing for her developmentally! I work with preemies who often are a bit delayed hitting their milestones. There are many reasons for this, but a small part is sometimes because parents of preemies tend to hold them all the time, play with them all the time and keep them very close. Babies actually need "free" time on the floor so they can begin to get a sense of where they and their bodies are in the world. So keep on doing that - it's great!

[Corinne]

My heart goes out to C so, so much. I remember when my first child was a year old I thought, "You know, I'm looking forward to doing this again, just so I can do it without all the guilt, and just enjoy it." My second is 4 months old now, and I am!

It makes me so mad when people get told that it's bad to nurse your babies to sleep because it's setting them up for a lifetime of needing to nurse to be put to sleep. That was not my experience AT ALL. I just want to say that in my opinion, if the baby's sleeping for three hours in the crib at 7 months, you're already ahead of the game! That's what my daughter was doing at 7 months, and then at the 9 month sleep regression, we had to do a crib side-car type set up. After she started walking (at around 11 months) her sleep had settled down enough, that we disconected the crib from the bed, but it was still in our room, and I would nurse her back to sleep as much as she wanted, but I'd put her back in the crib. Then when she was a year old, we moved her crib to a different room, and again, I'd nurse her to sleep as much as she wanted. The first couple of days, it was three times. Then it was two times. After two weeks she was sleeping through completely! The last nurse before bed-time was the last feeding she gave up, just before her 2nd birthday. She has just turned three, and she gladly sleeps in her own room, in her own bed all night long.

Also, if you care enough to worry that you're not doing enough, you are doing just fine :)

[Rudyinparis]

Oh, C, you sound like a wonderful mom! Developmentally everything sounds a-okay to me... I think you're a little isolated, and so it can be hard to get perspective. So, let me be an objective evaluator, given the description you've written: You sound great, on the ball, and completely normal. Congratulations on your lovely baby and very best wishes! You're doing great!

[Sarah]

Oh my, I think every mom must feel this somewhere along the way! Totally normal! It's hard to relax and realize: my child is happy, healthy, and growing well.
It's also hard to let your kid play alone without feeling guilty but independent play is important! Co-sleeping is easy, comfortable, and keeps your baby close. Physical developments happen at different times for different babes! But sometimes it's easier to take your kiddo to the doc and confront the worries than to keep obsessing about them. Maybe you should take the plunge. To me though, your daughter sounds pretty normal!
Hugs! And go easy on yourself!

[Kelly]

C, I could've written your post a year ago! My LO is 19 mos right now, but around 5-7 mos she wasn't mobile yet, wasn't eating on her own yet, wasn't signing or talking yet, and it was boring. I felt so guilty that I wasn't stimulating her enough and talked to her all the time (still do). She was appropriate with her milestones, although definitely not on the early side of physical ones...but started talking early...like a couple words (besides mama and dada) at 8 mos. She's still not what I would call physically astute, but she can walk and run and do the things she WANTS to. I think a huge part of it is personality, she is smart, a thinker, and just really laid back. You're doing great and it does gets better once they can "do" some stuff and wear themselves out a little...sleeping might get better for you in a couple months because of that. We also nursed 2-3 times a night regularly until 13 (?) mos - which for me was the hardest thing about the first year. But she's 19 mos now and has weaned herself (at least for the last 9 days). Best of luck - it will get much better!

[SarcastiCarrie]

That could have been me writing that. Somewhere in there, I decided I just wasn't very good at being a SAHM. Now I realize I just had too high of expectation about interaction and stimulation. I do work full-time outside of the home now, but I could stay home and be OK (though not personally fulfilled).

One of the easiest places to go with a baby is Target in the morning. You can stop by the Starbucks, get a frozen chocolate drink, and wander the aisles (and play with the toys) and watch all the other new moms doing the same.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to echo what everyone else is saying... If you think your baby is fine, then she's probably fine, even if she's hitting milestones on the later side.

But, trust your gut. If something feels off, please talk to your pediatrician. My daughter had a slight gross motor delay that required some physical therapy. It wasn't a big deal, but the early intervention made a huge difference.

[Kelly]

And I was also going to say, at this age I don't feel it's critical to get the baby out for playdates...DO get out for yourself if you need it, but there is PLENTY of time for your LO to make friends and expand horizons later. Can you take a walk around the block? That would provide a way to have her see outside and kill some of that long afternoon time. If you feel tremendous anxiety about getting out then please see your doc about that. I did have mild anxiety about going places with my baby because of the germ factor and didn't get out a lot the first 14 mos or so...I'd always heard so much about moms that just HAD to get out of the house, and felt that was kinda how I was "supposed" to feel, but I was most happy at home for that first year. Now we get out a whole lot more now that she can run around and interact more with the environment, and I'm not quite so worried about a lethal illness, lol. It will come...it will come.

[Kelly]

What I meant was that getting out "will come", not a lethal illness. Ha! OK, done now.

[daphneneuro]

C, you sounds like you're doing great. Although I too worry that you don't want to go out. I hated all the work necessary to go out: packing, having to change a full diaper again just as you were finally leaving, etc. But if I didn't go out, my mood would plummet. And I admire that you're with your baby all day. I got so bored by that! I also worked, thankfully, as that gave me some time to interact with adults, and feel useful and competent at something.
Both of my kids sleep a their own rythms, nursing through the night. With the first, I had internalize the message that it was all my fault, because I was nursing him to sleep. Then one day, at 15 months, he woke up in the middle of the night and wasn't hungry. That was the first time. After that, he slept longer stretches. And with the younger one, who's more independent, in general, I co-slept a lot from 3 months on. And he slept better as an baby.
Having seen how different our two kids are, I just don't think we have much influence on their personality, sleeping or eating habits, except sometimes to interfere too much. :)
Good luck, it gets better. And don't listen to those who criticize you.

[meggiemoo]

@eep: "Babies can be boring, and that's OK. Babies can be assholes, too, and that is also OK." WORD.

Also? Benign neglect is a *very* important parenting skill to learn...perhaps the most important. It doesn't come naturally, so you'll need to practice.

Among the many, many things I've learned from my children is that sometimes the very best thing I can do for them is to leave them alone.

My suggestion? Set up a "vignette" of sorts on the floor. Lay down a blanket, prop up some board books, then arrange some other toys in an appealing way (and "toys" can mean pots and pans, spoons, etc.) and then place your baby in the middle of it. Then sit back, read a book and surreptitiously observe. You'll be teaching her a very valuable skill. Children can't get into the flow of playing if we're in their face all the time.

C, everything you're feeling is normal, but it doesn't mean you have to feel the way you do. Motherhood in the 21st century is very isolating for many women. No longer do we have the neighbors and family members who come over for tea and say to you, "Let me watch the baby...you go grab a shower."

I've never felt so alone as I did during my maternity leave with my first child. (2nd kids seem to be a whole other ballgame...you won't ever feel as uncertain as you did with your first.)

You love your daughter, she's clothed and fed and warm. You interact with her. Now you need to get out of your own way. Take the supplements Moxie suggests, get some sunshine and exercise every day, and reach out to any community (real or virtual) you can.

It will get better (and then worse. and then better again.).

[Susan]

A lot of folks might say the most tiring part of parenting an infant is in the sleep-deprived early days, but I remember hitting a wall when my son was around 6 months. I was so tired of nursing, pumping, washing bottles and getting about the same amount of sleep you're describing. I was working full time and felt like my home life was just overtime at an unpaid job.

What SAVED ME was allowing my mother in law to take my son for a weekend. For three days I slept, I watched the Sound of Music on TV. I didn't wash any bottles. And, when my son came home, I felt renewed.

It's okay to need a little break. Rely on your family and friends and be honest with them. It does get better. So much better!

I remember reading from someone on this site that they didn't particularly "like" babies and preferred parenting older children. I've never forgotten that. That was such an honest statement, and it made me feel like it was okay to just "get through" the baby phase. Because, they DO get older, thank goodness. Good luck to you. Sending you good vibes...

[TodayWendy]

"...feel like you've already failed spectacularly". I remember this feeling so well. An almost daily occurrence when my daughter was around that age. It *will* get better.

[Erin]

I can definitely relate. It's hard not to feel guilty or responsible for everything your baby is or isn't doing...

I didn't read all the comments, but I wanted to echo what Moxie said about not needing to play with babies - it's so true. In fact, one of my favorite parenting websites by Janet Lansbury has a great article about all the reasons it's actually better for them to learn to entertain themselves than to be constantly stimulated by us:

http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/baby-interrupted-7-ways-to-build-your-childs-focus-and-attention-span/

[Alex]

Don't worry momma you're doing great! I'm a sahm to a 9 month old. He JUST started rolling over consistently last week. And he's certainly not near crawling yet. I was getting a little nervous but what helped was going to a playgroup with other kids his age and seeing that he's doing just fine compared to the other kids there. So if it's not too much I think going to a place where you'll see other kids in your child's age range might give you some perspective. And I understand the boredom that can come with being with an infant ALL DAY LONG. Some days it seems like the day will never end. What helps us is taking walks. Sometimes just around the block is enough to cure our restlessness/boredom. Baby likes to look around and get fresh air and mommy likes that I don't have to do anything except walk. If it's too much to go for walks just literally carry baby outside and stand in front of your house and look at the sky for five minutes. I promise it will help.
As for sleeping please know that all the books that say nursing to sleep is bad are total b.s.. I got sucked into that guilt trap and proceeded to attempt to sleep train my baby to not nurse to sleep and also sleep in his crib. Chaos ensued. It was terrible and no one was sleeping. As soon as I started listening to what my son was telling me he needed (nursing to sleep, co-sleeping) we all started sleeping much better. So just try to listen to your child and go with the flow.
And really please try to be gentle with yourself. You're a loving and concerned mom who wants only the best for your baby and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about!

[Katherine]

I'll chime in as a mom of 3 girls whose third is almost 7 months old. First, yes it absolutely gets better.

You sound like you're doing an excellent job. I think by definition if you're worrying that much about doing enough, then you're already doing enough. It's all about being loved at this point. You are obviously not lacking in love.

It seems like there is always some guilt involved in having kids. Most if it is unwarranted but we can't help it. If it's overwhelming you, try to talk with someone, a friend or your doctor, and be honest about how you feel. You may have some postpartum depression. If so, it's NOT your fault and you are NOT a bad mother. This is hard stuff, especially the first time through it.

With my first baby, I felt better by increments as her first year went by. I felt pretty good about how I was doing by the time she was a year old or so. With the second and third babies, I had the gift of perspective - it got better and turned out okay last time so I believed it would again.

Your baby sounds just like all three of mine on the developmental milestones. None of mine like to roll or were motivated to try to go places until much later. The older two sat on time but didn't roll much (or hardly at all), didn't really crawl until maybe 9 or 10 months, didn't pull up until close to 1 year, and didn't walk independently until close to 15 months. My 6.5 month can almost sit independently but doesn't roll (has maybe done it once or twice in her life) and, like yours, is happy wherever you put her.

After 3 kids I'm convinced it's just genetic, their innate personalities. It may also be partially a girl thing. My girls hit all their verbal milestones early but their physical milestones later. Your baby can sit and she CAN roll, so she's met those milestones.

Good luck and be kind to yourself. You are a very good mother.

[Charisse]

C, you sound like you're doing great! And so's your baby. Like others, I'd love for you to talk to a friend or someone about the fear of going out - are you worried for your baby or yourself? If you can get past that, going out could help the long days.

Also wanted to let you know that my healthy, athletic 7-year-old never had any interest in rolling, first sat independently at 6 mos...didn't crawl until 12 1/2 mos, showed no interest in pulling up until 14 mos...and then finally walked at 16. Turned out she seems to have been waiting until she could do things well - she never scooted or army crawled, she got up and crawled fast. She also spent a lot of her energy on language - we never bothered with signing but she talked way ahead of "schedule".

So please don't worry too much if you can help it. Oh, and if you feel like having fun with the sleep nonsense, go read Jessa Davies' blog about the anthropology of sleep - the lie down for the night and never wake up thing isn't even "natural" for adults.

[Emily]

C, you are doing an awesome job!

PLEASE don't worry about the sleep. I promise it will come eventually. For now, if cosleeping is working for you, I would continue as long as you both need to. In our house, the only rule we had regarding sleep in the early years was survival: whatever arrangement gave everyone in the house the maximum amount of sleep is what we did. My oldest (now 10) coslept in our bed until about age 2 and then in a smaller bed next to ours until age 4. My younger daughter (now 7) coslept until about 2 when she wanted her own room and bed. My oldest has always, always had more difficulty with change. :) Sleep became really straightforward and good for both kids around age 2.

The bottom line is that the transition to own bed/own room was completely hassle-free in both cases, I think because they were ready.

Also, I will add that one of my very fondest memories of my childrens' infancy and toddlerhood is cosleeping. Now that they are older and busier, and very preoccupied with their lives outside the home (as it should be), I am grateful that we handled sleep in the way we did.

[T.]

I'm a much better kid mama than I was a baby mama, or at least a more content one. Kids who can tell you where it hurts and what is making them sad are, in my opinion, so much easier to parent. So much of caring for an infant is pure drudgery. They're delightful and funny and warm and fun to snuggle with and they smell delicious, which is all very good because otherwise there wouldn't be a lot of upside. But you get through it and it does get better.

I regularly rail against this notion that mothers are supposed to be the full-time entertainers of their kids. There is nothing wrong with some time in the bouncy chair. My children spent half their infancies in the stroller because I got to walk and they got to look at the trees. I, too, found it very fatiguing to constant be providing some kind of mental stimulation. I always felt guilty that I didn't feel fulfilled and enthusiastic about playing with blocks, until my mother said, "Well of course you don't. You're not supposed to. You're 32, not 6 months old. Let him play with the blocks. You read a book." Thanks, Mom. Just wait until the little one is older blocks and squeaky toys are boring. Legos are much more fun. And Harry Potter is far more interesting than Pat the Bunny.

Don't buy into the notion that in order to be a loving parent you have to love the act of parenting all the time. It's hard work, but the pay offs improve with time. Stay away from people who make you feel like you're not doing enough, because you are. Remember that taking care of yourself is an important part of taking care of your child.

Re: milestones, my son rolled over late, sat up late, and didn't walk until he was 19 months old. There was nothing wrong with him. It was just his nature. It still is. When faced with a new challenge he waits, watches, thinks big thoughts about it, and then frequently does it flawlessly the first time. He's careful and methodical. It's good to have a pediatrician who can listen to your worries without making you feel like a freak and then calmly talk you off the ledge. If you don't have one like that, maybe try to find yourself one. I think a good rule is always choose a pediatrician who has at least one child of his or her own. They tend to have a saner approach and more sympathy for first time parents.

Get outside, try to ask for help when you need it, and cut yourself some slack.

[Eva]

I wanted to touch on C's question, "Is there ever a point when you think, hey I'm doing a good job after all?". I have two boys, 6 and 3, in New York City and the stress of working full time and commuting with them and having a naturally anxious personality anyway causes me to lose my patience with them pretty regularly (I'll get short with them or yell). So, there's the guilt over that. But, on the flip side, they know how loved they are and their lives are pretty charmed (I think!). I talk to them about my own issues (in kid terms) and they get it and they don't hold it against me (they're learning I'm human!). Okay, so here's how you know you're doing a good job: as they get older, and begin talking...but even before, you see how they've been listening to all of your lessons...about treating people with kindness, about being good to the environment, etc. They'll be squabbling with each other on the sidewalk and then will go and pick up some random trash and put it in the garbage can. Just like that! Without being asked! Or they'll compliment someone spontaneously! Or their teacher will mention to you how they took care of a fellow student. And these things start happening really early on. You realize, through it all, that your heartfelt teachable moments really sunk in. All the other stuff just slides away...

[Rudyinparis]

I wanted to swing back and mention that I, too, was always kind of scared to go out right after I had Eldest... I felt like someone was going to publicly "out" me as a Mommy imposter. I mean, I just felt so awkward. I also (this is funny, in hindsight) was terrified of SAHMs. Looking back, I feel like this was pretty normal Adjusting to Parenthood stuff.

Also, with Younger, I would nurse and co-nap with her while I was on maternity leave. At first, I felt like it was something I shouldn't do. But I was just so tired! And now, those memories are so sweet. Just so, so sweet.

Lastly, I've found my parenting experience is sort of "one step forward, two back, three forward, one back..." You WILL start getting affirmation that you're doing a great job.... and then you will also get the sense that You're Screwing Everything Up. And then the next day will be okay. And then the next day will be great. And then the next day will stink... Rinse, repeat!

[Carrie]

Oh C, honey, this made my heart hurt too. I remember being where you are with my now 5 year old and feeling so guilty over everything. It does get better. It really, really does. You don't need to beat yourself up over those things. She is fine. At her nine month, bring these things up w/ the ped just for peace of mind.

Does her being in your bed cause you to get a lot less sleep? If not, don't worry about it. Your bed is a nice place to be. My son was in our bed until he was 3, then he transitioned to his own bed very easily. My 14 month old is in our bed and I want her out because she is a pain to sleep with, but I don't want to go through the work I know it will take.

Seriously, you do not need to be engaging with her every second. She needs a rest. She needs to figure things out. If she is happy playing by herself (with you in the room, of course), then let her. She'll let you know when she wants you.

For me, I had to put on an assumed personality when I went to different MOMS Club events. I just pretended I was really popular and fun and I talked to everyone even though I thought I would throw up. Somehow it worked and now I really am popular and fun and don't have to work nearly as hard at it. I tried four different moms groups before I found one that worked for me. The key was just showing up. Again and again and again.

The good and bad thing about parenting is that everything changes and changes quickly. Just when you get it figured out, you'll get a whole new set of problems.

Also, you don't really need to take baby out unless you want to go out. I didn't take my son out much and he was much, much healthier than my daughter. She is just exposed to way too many germs.

[Cloud]

I don't have time to read the comments already here, which I am sure are excellent (because they always are).

But, C, I have to say- give yourself a break. You're doing great. Fight the guilt, really. It does no one any good. Our culture is on a guilt binge right now- I get plenty of opportunities to feel guilt about my parenting, guilt about my working, guilt about how much time I spend with my husband... and for awhile I bought into it and did feel guilty. And then somehow- I wish I knew how and could tell you!- I just stopped. My kids are doing great. My job is going well. My husband and I are just fine.

I think the sleep deprivation you're working through right now is a big part of what's making you feel bad. I don't think your daughter is a Bad Sleeper- she's just a baby. But you are certainly getting bad sleep, so maybe you can try to brainstorm with your husband on how to alleviate that. For me, when we're in a bad sleep period, I get to sleep in on weekends and go to bed as early as possible- even if that means that more than half of the night time chores fall to my husband. Because getting up in the middle of the night with a baby is work, too, you know?

On the specific issues you're feeling bad about: 3 hours in her crib at 7 months and then cosleeping is pretty much what we were getting with baby #2 (when I decided to start cosleeping earlier than I did with baby #1- and am I ever glad I did). It sucks for you, but is FINE for the baby. Like I said, instead of worrying about how you've screwed up your baby's sleep (you haven't), think about how you can get more sleep for YOU.

On the rolling over- my first was always anxious to hit her next physical milestone. So when my second came along and was waaaay more laid back, I worried a bit about her. She rolled over once, about on time, and then honestly showed zero interest in doing it again. She didn't seem that interested in crawling- until one day, she crawled. Same with walking.

Now she is a happy little 20 month old, who runs around like all of her peers. She just has a "sit back, watch, learn, then do" personality, whereas my first had a "dive in, try to do, get frustrated, try again, finally succeed" personality. Both are fine. They are just different.

So- short summary: you have no reason to feel guilty. That's probably at least partially the sleep deprivation talking. Try to alleviate that (sad to say, I've never found a way to solve it, other than waiting until the kid starts sleeping through the night). And try to ignore the guilt cues our culture sends. They're BS.

[Cloud]

Oh, and to be really clear- we did the "start in the crib, finish cosleeping" with our first kid, who is now 4 and was a seriously bad sleeper for the first 1.5-2 years of her life. She has been sleeping through the night in her own bed since she was 2. The transition was no big deal, and coincided roughly with when we bought her a big girl bed instead of a crib.

All the signs I see indicate that baby #2 will do something similar- but it is too early to know for certain.

[Jill]

Both of my kids were early walkers. 9.5-10.5 months. But neither of them rolled til over seven months. And even then didn't bother to do it much. But then then got to crawling and walking FAST. So don't worry. I've heard rolling diesnt matter anymore since they re sleeping on their backs so everyone is slower to roll these days.

Sleep sucks. Seriously. It just does. I will tell you that when I stopped worrying about it an obsessing over how I might be ruining my kid and worrying about figuring out WHY he was sleeping like shit, I relaxed and was able to weather it better. Six month is when things went to he'll for my first. It got worse around a year, waking up every 1-1.5 hours all night long. I slept with him from three am on and that is how I survived. And you know what? He's 4.5 and a great sleeper. In his own bed. All night long. Doesn't need me to help him fall asleep. And it's been good like that since about 18 months. Even without any sleep training CIO stuff. I'm working on it with my second now. He has just started STTN at 19 mon and I'm working on him going to sleep on his own. But anyway, just so you know it's not forever. An I sort of miss the snuggle time of sleeping with my babies.

Rememmber They are only babies for a short time. Enjoy it. Don't ruin it by stressing out about it all. Love your baby and do what YOU feel like doing. Don't do what stupid books or the bitchy mom next door tell you you just hav to do. Don't buy the your baby can read bs. Just live your life with your baby. She loves you and anything you do.

For your last part. Please take care of yourself and your anxiety. Make that a priority. The best thing you can give your child is a healthy happy mother. For me getting out of the house is what keeps me sane. That doesn't mean you have to get out of the house. But you might try it more and see that it helps you feel better. Try a music class with you child. Or go to story time at the library. Get out and see people. I swear it helps!! Plus you're bound to see moms who are also frazzled and you can learn that you're not alone! We all are flying by the seat of our pants.

You are doing a great job!

[hush]

Hugs to you, @C. There are so many good tips for you to think about that have been said here already. FWIW, I'm not worried about your baby at all; she sounds healthy and well-loved! And how awesome that you're still nursing (says a two-time failed nurser)! To be perfectly honest, I am worried about you because when I read what you said, I can totally feel your sense of fear, isolation, and loneliness:

"I know I should bring it up with her pediatrician, but I'm afraid to."

"I don't have a partner here at night to pass her off to.."

"It doesn't help that I suffer tremendous anxiety about leaving the house."

Please focus on your own needs first. I urge you to keep reaching out until you find someone in real life who you can lean on and have an honest dialogue with about the challenges you're facing, whether that's a therapist, friend, family, and/or clergy-person.

[Sarah]

First, yes to what Moxie said.

Second, for me (with a 4 year old boy and an 11month old girl) I still get batches of guilt, but as they can tell you what's on their mind, I feel less of it. My son can express how he feels, so there is less guessing on my part.

Third: As for the milestones, my son took his own sweet time with them (rolling over around 8 months, crawling at 10 or 11 months, walking around16 months). My daughter, on the other hand, Has done them right on schedule. You will know if something is wrong.

Four: Sleep. Both kids were in and out of my bed. If it's easier to have your daughter in bed with you, go for it ESPECIALLY since you Don't have nighttime help. I promise she won't be there forever.

Finally, I don't think it's talked about much, but babies can be boring. It's okay to plunk her on the floor with a stack of toys while you read a book. Even better, if you can find a mom's group or other moms, then you can plunk all the babies on the floor while you talk to someone who responds with actual words. (It might be scary but try going to a busy park or a farmers' market and start chatting with other moms there. You can mention you're looking for a way to get out of the house and see if they have any ideas. They might be looking for the same thing).

[Sarah]

One other thing, if you are too nervous to bring the baby out in public, do you have a partner, friend, or family member who could watch her for an hour? Your daughter will get lots of stimulation from a new face, and you will feel lots better for having some time to yourself. (I recommend a good coffee shop, a chair in the sun, and a fluffy book to read).

You sound like you are giving your daughter everything she needs. It will get easier.

[Tansasser]

This might sound terrible, but one thing that has helped me not feel overwhelmed is that I try to set the bar really low with myself. My daughter is 13 months old and for those first few weeks, at the end of the day I asked myself, "Is she alive? Am I alive?" The answer was yes, so I would high-five myself and know that I succeeded. She was a terrible sleeper until we sleep-trained her, but did I berate myself for getting up and feeding her every three hours for those first seven months? No, I cut myself some slack and told her that I was giving her what she needed. She is not as far along in her speech as other babies her age but you know what? She's tracking developmentally overall and she is who she is and I can't compare her to other children. She is going to start talking when she's ready and I can't force it along.

I think having high standards is good, but setting the bar too high can result in some really disappointing moments. Cut yourself (and other parents, too) some slack and know that you are doing the best you can.

[Rudyinparis]

Right on, Hush.

[Sherry H.]

About sleep, my DD just turned 2 last week. She's still co-sleeping. Nurses to sleep, and is refused if she asks for more nursing during the night or in the morning. I stopped the middle of the night nursing when she was around 12 months, stopped morning nurse around 15 months. Nurse at bedtime is now the only nursing she gets. Oh OK, I'll confess, I'll nurse her to keep her satisfied if we're trying to watch a movie at night.

When she was 7 months she was rocked to sleep in Daddy's arms or nursed to sleep in Mama's arms, then placed in her swing until she woke up 3 or 4 or 5 hours later, then came into bed and nursed back to sleep.

She's never slept more than 5 minutes at a time in a crib, so we got rid of that to reclaim the space and we do what we have to do. Only stopped with the swing when it got too dangerous to contain her because she was good at wiggling around.

She got a big girl bed a couple of weeks ago - in the bedroom with us, which she's slept in for about 3 hours total so far (we place her in there when she's already asleep). She wakes up and says very tearfully "Hugging, Daddy!". OK. Back in with us.

As for the people (relatives) who are averse to the idea of her co-sleeping or nursing at 2yo... well, we simply don't discuss it with them.

As for going out, I considered sitting together on a bench in the backyard plenty of going out. Once she was crawling regularly we went to the playground a few blocks away.

Regarding playdates, she just had her first. When she turned 2 we invited 2 kids from the playground over at noon for coffee-cake type cake and playing.

[Michelle]

Just another set of data points. I had a screamer that I could NOT set down to play by herself for many months. Many. It was painful and awful and trapping, and I felt so guilty because I just wanted her to play happily on a blanket like other children I had seen. I would have given anything for that.

Both my kids walked a little later, talked a little later. My oldest is now 3.5 and there is no sign of this. At all. Kid never stops talking, running, climbing, singing.... You are doing *fine*.

Maybe someone else has some input-- there are stages (I forget which) where it's easier to move a kid to their own crib, but both of mine spent a good chunk of the night in my bed for the first 8-12 months. Both now sleep in their (shared) room very well. So it being tough now need not mean it will be tough forever.

I sometimes remember the horror of thinking that there is a whole community of women out there feeling guilty because they imagine there is some other house out there where the mom is "on" all day with her kids. But I doubt that house even exists, and if it did, I doubt that constantly entertaining our kids would be that good for them, y'know? Big hugs!

[babyinterrupted]

I happen to have a (also 7-month old) child who is a good sleeper, and the point is not to brag about it, because I have come to the conclusion that her good sleeping is 99.9% sheer, dumb, good luck. I have done nothing to 'earn' that. We've tried to work with what she already knows how to do to keep her sleeping well, but the fact that your child is still a more-interrupted sleeper is, in my world anyway, the same thing: just luck. As in, random chance, dictated way more by the child's personality than anything you've done (or not done).

Really, all I'm trying to say is this: I think kids are who they are from day one, and although we can do a lot to shape and encourage them, they shape and change us just as much, if not more. So don't blame yourself. I'll be working on trusting what so many have said: it gets better.

[Camilla]

My younger was playing propped up on his elbows, but not sitting, at seven months. I spent a fair bit of time taking him to the playground and letting him eat sand, or watch the other kids.

Seeking out school age kids can be valuable at some of the harder ages of baby/toddler; either explicitly in a babysitter-in-training role, or just because you can provide supervision/outings, etc. in exchange for them playing with the baby. Sometimes bubble solution or other age-flexible toys can make good bait, and many babies seem to respond better to a kid than to a strange adult.

[Shandra]

I was thinking about this and I came back to add what Hush did, except she did it better.

Also,word to @SarcastiCarrie. Everyone is different and that is ok, but I had idealized how joyful my life would be at home with a baby and...it sucked. For some people it's a work thing, for others a phase thing, for still others they just are adjusting. But it really is okay to look for more/help/etc. Don't buy into June Cleaver's pearls. BTW I am sure she left her kids in playpens. :-)

[anonfornow]

i felt kind of guilty letting my daughter play alone on her playmat while i did chores or emailed or whatever until I spoke w/ my therapist who told me if i was lucky enough to have a kid who can spend a little time alone I shouldn't f*** it up. (my therapist is a little unconventional.)

[anonfornow]

ps - my daughter, now 4, can still spend 30 minutes or so by herself drawing, dressing her dolls, etc. It's awesome, esp. since i got divorced & sometimes need indulge in the luxuries of single parenthood: a shower, vacuuming, removing partially eaten s'mores from cat fur . . .

[Katy]

Both my boys were the same with rolling over, crawling. They hardly ever rolled over, my first didn't crawl for a year (walked at 18 months) my second scooted on his bottom using one leg to pull himself, started walking at almost 18 months, and finally started crawling the real way before he turned two ;)

They are both intelligent, coordinated, smart little guys. Both started trikes early, my oldest was way ahead for riding a two-wheeler, and swimming and throwing...it was just personality (and bigger babies are more likely to do those things later!).

I agree we've gone overboard thinking babies need to be played with all the time. They do need contact, but they need to see YOU going about your daily life and doing things you enjoy! Sure, play with them some, but they do not need hours and hours of focused attention (in fact, a case could be made that it isnt' even good for them!).

So, find some things you enjoy (go to the mall, walk around a lake, meet friends at a park) and just bring your baby with and enjoy!

[Kelly]

I too have a 7-month old, and we've been trying (again) to "transition" to the crib. Hear all the time from older people whose kids are grown- put kid in crib, leave room, end of story. I just can't do it. See how you like listening to your child scream bloody murder until he's choking himself! Last night I wanted to jump off the deck because he wouldn't go to sleep, but as my best friend pointed out, woulda just broken my legs or something and what good would that do?

I think there is WAY too much guilt inside all of us, particularly us mothers, and it has been ingrained in us through our culture. So, though advice is really helpful at times, the advice to let go of the guilt is a toughie because we really *can't*, just like we can't make the child go to sleep, eat, or go to the bathroom. It's our gut reaction to feel guilt about things, all kinds of things, regardless. So, C, know that I'm right there with you, except I do have a partner who technically *could* help at night, but baby wants nothing to do with him at that point. He wants mommy and if he doesn't get her he screams and will not be consoled and then it takes awhile for him to calm down enough again to go back to sleep. Who wants to go through that in the middle of the night? I don't, so hubbie sleeps (snores) peacefully next to us in bed all night long and often wakes me up/keeps me up while baby sleeps peacefully too. GRRRRRRR. Sometimes I feel like throwing/breaking things/screaming because I have to *do* *everything* and I feel like everything is on my shoulders. But then a beautiful sunny Saturday arrives, and we go for a long walk downtown with a friend and get a delicious iced tea, and things seem alright.

[Kelly]

Also forgot to say this- which I read somewhere, I think on babycenter- have you ever heard of an adult who can't roll over, or sit up by himself, or crawl across the floor? Prolly not (unless there is some physical disability). They will do it when they're ready, no worries. Try not to compare to others, though it's EXTREMELY HARD not to.

"Oh, Mary, remember not to roll over in front of James. He can't do that."