J writes:
"Hi! My 12 month old son doesn't sleep through the night, which seems to ludicrous to other people. I dread it when anyone asks me how he is doing in this area, because then I get an incredulous stare. It seems like everyone else I meet with children his age have no problems...they put their babies happily to bed each night and sleep blissfully till morning. And there's always an undertone of "you must be overlooking something obvious" or a notion that we made a stupid parenting decision somewhere in his infancy that doomed us to this fate.
I don't know in retrospect what I would have done differently. I felt that CIO was wrong and went against my instincts as a parent...so I ended up getting up a million times a night to coax my son back to bed before my husband suggested co-sleeping for my sanity. That was great for awhile. But now we've evolved to...THIS. Which is no consistency at all. Some nights, I am able to get him down in the crib with little difficulty, and he'll sleep for a few hours before waking up, at which point I move him to bed with me. Other nights, it's a fight to go to sleep...then a fight to stay asleep, meaning frequent waking, restlessness, thrashing, tugging my hair, etc. Nursing him is the only thing I can do to consistently calm him, but that doesn't even always get him back to sleep. Now it seems that night terrors have begun...he is crying and inconsolable, though his eyes are open, and pushes me away..then it just stops suddenly and he's ok. The take home message is that restlessness and frequent waking are the norm now. In the past week, he's also increased his nursing...we're averaging 4 times a night. I'm slowly weaning during the day, but I have no clue how I can wean at night being that it's currently my "crutch" to get back to sleep.
My pediatrician told me at his well check today that my reports are not uncommon, but he thinks the only solution would be to stomach crying it out, or stop breastfeeding. Do you have any good solutions? Is this crap normal? I keep telling myself that he won't be breastfeeding forever, sleeping in my bed until he goes to college, and that I think kids sleep how they sleep regardless of what we do or don't do...but it's hard to keep that resolve when I get those incredulous stares. It makes me feel like I'm a shitty parent, and I should have done something differently along the way. Or that I'm lazy because I'm using nursing as a crutch...but I work full time and am alone many evenings since my husband works shift work. There's just many a night I say "screw it" in frustration and don't even have the energy to fight getting him in a crib, since he's gonna end up in the bed anyway.
Any thoughts?"
My thought is: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
And also: Those people you know, they're a bunch of liars.
And your pediatrician hasn't had any special training in baby sleep--they don't cover it in medical school, so he's working from the same info you are.
Everyone who had/has a baby who doesn't sleep through the night at 12 months, please comment. You can count me as two. My children who both sleep just fine now didn't sleep through the night at 12 months, either of them.
The only thing at all that strikes me as remotely out of the norm is the thrashing and fighting. Does this ring a bell with anyone? I don't know if it's personality, or something that could be tweaked. So if anyone else had a fight-y baby, speak up.
But the idea that all babies except yours are sleeping all the way through the night at twelve months is just ludicrous. You didn't cause it, and who knows what would have happened if you'd made different decisions. You do what you think is right. But don't let other people pretend all 12-month-olds universally sleep. (Especially since there's another sleep regression coming up at 13 months.)
Readers?
My hand is up.
We did some serious readjusting at 14 months and again at 16 months. After that I answered sleep questions with "we have found something that works for us" (even though some days it didn't).
Posted by: Cobblestone | June 21, 2011 at 08:00 AM
J - I feel for you, I really do. Neither of my kids slept through the night at 12 months, so please do not feel like you are alone. We tried CIO with my first, but he was one of those that wound up with crying so it was not a solution for us. For us, whatever arrangement resulted in the most sleep for the maximum number of people in the household is what we did (cosleeping). I think the objective in those early years has to be survival, especially if you working full time! It is hard while you are in the middle of it, and I know you hear so much conflicting advice, but from the other side I can assure you that this will all pass with time. The important thing now is to do what is best for your family, and if that means cosleeping in order to rest and be present for you baby during the daytime hours that you have together, so be it.
We experienced something similar to the fighting/thrashing when my son was about 12-18 months. It seemed as though he wanted more space, but was also clearly not ready to be on his own in a separate room all night. We ended up buying a small, low bed at Ikea and placing it next to our bed. It worked like a charm and helped reduce the night nursing due to the slightly increased separation.
Around age 2 both of my kids just developed the ability to sleep through (barring illness/nightmares) seemingly overnight, and we have had zero sleep issues since. They are 7 and 10 now. Believe it or not I remember those cosleeping nights very fondly now that they are older and so busy with their own lives.
Posted by: Emily | June 21, 2011 at 08:06 AM
I have two boys, 5 and 2, with number 3 on the way in August. Neither of my two older children were sleeping through the night at 12 months. We did "sleep train" around 10-12 months, which dropped nursing down to about once a night, sometimes twice. A few things my pregnant brain can remember as being key to helping the boys sleep: 1. My husband was the primary caregiver at night. 2. We had definite set nap and bedtimes. No playdates or going out if it meant we would fudge on those sleepy times. 3. Routines before going down for nap/bedtime were the same.
My husband would start out sitting by the crib/bed until the child fell asleep, even if they were fussing or crying he would just stay there with them. Then he would move to another part of the room say two days later, then by the door two days after that, then to the stairs. It took 7-10 days and was a major sacrifice for him as far as evenings/sleep go, but was totally worth it in the long run for us as a family.
Both of our boys had terrifying night wakings as toddlers, it did stop as they got older.
This won't necessarily work for you, but I remember it was helpful to hear what worked for others and take what sounded like it might work for our sons and try it out. We always tried to stick it out for a week. The first two days are the hardest, it seems like day three was usually a breakthrough day in terms of kid sleep with us.
PS-Don't feel like you have to quit breastfeeding. It will not automatically make him sleep at night, which is what it seemed like the pediatrician was implying from your email.
Posted by: r0ckaby3 | June 21, 2011 at 08:10 AM
My now-2.5 year old woke 3-5 times a night until he was 18 months old. At times, it made me insane, but for the most part I nursed him back down pretty quickly. So night waking at 1 year seems pretty normal to me. I would disagree with your doc about quitting breastfeeding (full disclosure: I am a la leche league leader) because that seems to be your only "weapon" right now!! If you are trying to wean during the day, he may be making up for those missing nursing sessions by nursing more at night. Would it be possible to nurse him a few more times after you get home from work, but before you both go to bed? Also, I totally agree with using some kind of cosleeper type of arrangement ... A pack &play next to your bed, a small bed on the floor like @Emily suggested, or even trying the cradle/bassinet on the floor (instead of on its rocking stand).
In 2 weeks, this will be different. Come back and tell us what has changed, ok?!? Hang in there, Mama. You are doing some excellent work here. Hard, but excellent. Keep it up.
Posted by: MrsHaley | June 21, 2011 at 08:21 AM
at 12 months, we started getting up every TWO HOURS which lasted until around 15 months, and was due to teething, those DANG first year molars.
all those people w/easy sleepers are full of it. many people don't disclose their crappy sleepers for fear of judgement from the self-satisfied easy sleeper parents.
Posted by: Lisa F. | June 21, 2011 at 08:26 AM
Practice saying this: "he sleeps just fine, thanks!" My daughter didn't sleep through the night until she was eighteen months old, so I lied a lot. For us, it was night weaning (again, the other times didn't stick) that got her to finally start sleeping better. (But don't think that is the only answer, we tried it a few times before that and it didn't do anything. So I just went back to nursing her at night to calm her down more quickly.)
Some kids are just not sleepers and there is not a lot you can do about it. Even now (she's two and a half), she sometimes wakes up at night and she has trouble going to sleep and she doesn't nap. But she gets it honestly, her dad and I aren't great sleepers either. (The difference is that when we can't sleep, we don't scream and wake everyone else up.)
So if the sleep isn't as much bothering you as the incredulous stares, just lie like I did. Do whatever the easiest path is for your family and ignore everyone else. On the plus side, in a few more months, stupid people will start to assume that he sleeps through the night and start bothering you about potty training instead.
Posted by: HereWeGoAJen | June 21, 2011 at 08:26 AM
None of my 3 kids slept through the night at 12m. They were still cosleeping. At 19m with #1 and 14m with #2 we night weaned from nursing and moved them to their own full-sized bed with bedrails in a different room. (#3 is 11m, she'll be moving this fall) We kept breastfeeding during the day until after 2 - there is no reason to stop nursing completely if you just want to stop at night! They were annoyed about it (1 moreso than 2) and cried some, but either I or my husband was in the room with them so they were crying with a loving parent and not from abandonment. Then after about 3 days they started sleeping pretty decently. I wouldn't say either slept through the night *consistently* until they were close to 2, but they would generally only get up once or so a night from the point they were night weaned. It's not a magic bullet, but it helped me transition from cosleeping. And seriously, there's no reason to wean completely, i just don't understand that line of thinking at all!
Posted by: Leah | June 21, 2011 at 08:31 AM
My 10 month old still hasn't slept through the night:) I'm not holding out much hope that it will happen in the next 2 months.... But yes, I know what you mean about others giving you a look when you tell them this. Sometimes I feel like EVERY other child in the world sleeps through the night. Except mine. But I know this can't be true!!
It's a phase, this sleep thing, I know. It'll be better this time next year:)
Only help I can offer: Smile at your baby in the middle of the night while you nurse, lay down and sleep while you nurse, get hubby to take the babe for an hour or two after baby wakes so you can sleep longer. Hugs!! You can do it!!!!
Posted by: Sarah | June 21, 2011 at 08:36 AM
My 2.5 year old was not sleeping through the night at 12 mo either. He had already been night-weaned at that point but he woke up at least once, if not 2x per night. I think it improved at around 16 months - that was when the sleeping through nights outnumbered (but only barely) the not-sleeping-through nights. I also agree that you really are surviving through the first 18 months. That's what it felt like for us! I think it was at around 16 months he started sleeping through, and after a couple of months of that we felt rested enough to try getting pregnant again :)
Posted by: Bonnie | June 21, 2011 at 08:39 AM
Neither of my kids slept through the night at 12 months! And I felt pretty hopeless about it. My almost 4-year-old is much better now... and my 2 year old is fine as long as he is not sick or teething.
We never did CIO (though there were some days where we let them cry more than others, based on why they were awake in the night - illness/teething vs. something else) and I'm glad - because they still know that they can rely on me any time of the day or night. This has been beneficial for us because my son has had some frightening, severe, almost life-threatening asthma-like attacks in the last year (related to viruses, as he doesn't even have asthma), and we would never have known except that he cried out for us and we didn't ignore it. It all gets better with time. I noticed that in converstaions with friends, if they said their kids slept well, once I delved deeper I found that their kids did not sleep all that differently from mine. They may have had *some* nights where they slept well, and some nights where they slept horribly, just like any other child.
I was wondering if the thrashing and upsetness at night might possibly be related to your own tension levels. I know that my kids are so susceptible to my own frustration, so if i felt upset about their sleep and just wanted them to GO TO BED, they were much more likely to get upset. Maybe not related but who knows. Thought I'd give it a shot.
Posted by: J | June 21, 2011 at 08:39 AM
Ugh I feel you only my son isn't 12 months yet. EVERYONE (and their mother) acts like babies SHOULD be sleeping through the night by now (he's 8 mos). I think I remember reading somewhere that only 50% of babies STTN consistently at 12 mos. And I can't even count the number of times someone has said to me: "Oh no he's in bed with you?? You better break that habit NOW or you'll regret it!" and I get FURIOUS. Or my bipolar mother who was a total wreck when I was little (my dad divorced her and got full custody) criticising me and TSK TSKing on the phone, or the lovely judgmental silence and I have to be like "HELLO? Are you there?" GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH ARGGGGGGGGG it makes me so MAD!
I can totally identify with the F** it I'm not trying the crib tonight. I'm too tired, he's in a mood, etc. Then I berate myself the next day for not being consistent. There is no consistency for this child, and it's not our fault GODDAMMIT.
Ok sorry to vent. I guess it's hard for me to comment on your post because I'm hoping that my little monkey will be STTN sooner rather than later. I don't know how much more I can take. OH WELL. MUST.KEEP.GOING. You must too :) You're doing a great job, don't listen to them, their memories are skewed. Jerkheads.
Posted by: Kelly | June 21, 2011 at 08:43 AM
"Practice saying this: "he sleeps just fine, thanks!" " Ditto!! Unless it is a close friend you know will offer an unjudgmental ear, treat any inquiries into his sleep as a stranger asking how you are doing.
Posted by: mom2boy | June 21, 2011 at 08:49 AM
My son slept through the night for the first time at 2. Now, at almost 3, it's an occasional thing.
Up until September, bedtime was a giant fight. He would thrash, pull hair, scream. For hours. If it only took 1 hour, we were thrilled. Two was normal. Every night. It was awful. Then...I changed bedtime. No more rocking, we got a MyTotClock.com and didn't follow it's rules. Our routine became - get in bed and nurse while the Tot Clock had it's yellow light on. When light turned to blue and story came on, no more nursing (until the yellow light the next morning). Then I would lay next to him listening to the story. At the beginning, he was allowed to get ou of bed during the story, but once the music came on afterwards, I'd put him in bed with me and make him stay. For some reason, with the time we'd already spent in the dark, he wouldn't fight me and would go to sleep within 20 minutes or so. The entire process (nursing + story + music) is about 50 minutes, bu most nights it takes about 30. And we don' fight. We cuddle.
But...he was 2 when we started that. I liked it because he could understand clock light on (nurse/awake) clock light off (no nurse, snuggle). I don't know that a 12 mo would get it.
Regardless, it will get better and you are SO far from alone!
Posted by: Kimberly | June 21, 2011 at 08:50 AM
Mine's 11 months old on Thursday and last night he woke up at 7:30, 8:30, 9:00, 12:30, and 4. He may have woken up between 12:30 and 4 but he's in bed with me and sometimes I don't remember all the nightwakings. So, not a year old yet but this has been our typical nighttime song and dance since he was 5 months old so I don't expect anything to change any time soon.
Until about a month ago I nursed him back to sleep for every blessed nightwaking. Then I instituted the "no nursing between baby's bedtime and mama's bedtime" rule. It does involve tears but he was never alone. He still wakes up before I come to bed but will settle back down with a few pats on the back, which I'd say is progress over a 20 minute nursing session.
Posted by: Bird | June 21, 2011 at 09:04 AM
My now-2.5-year-old started sleeping through at 17 months. With 3 girls sharing a bedroom, and a husband traveling 3-4 nights a week, I was all about the path of least resistance. I would put the older two to bed, then take R to my bed to go to sleep and move her to her crib. When she would wake up, I would take her back to bed with me to get her to sleep, and she would stay there the rest of the night. (In other words, by the time she was deep enough asleep to move, I was too.) One night, out of the blue, she just stopped waking up, and we all rejoiced. :-)
FYI, the 5yo was about 16 mos when she slept all night, the 7yo did at 2mos, then quit , then again at 11mos, but not truly consistently until she was over 2 (with help from some allergy meds). They'll do what they'll do - don't beat yourself up.
Posted by: Tonia | June 21, 2011 at 09:13 AM
Yup. My son slept through the night at 2 years and 2 months. I thought that was bad, but now his sister, at 2.5, is sill nowhere near sleeping through - I sleep with her most of the night, and she wakes 2-4 times. I nurse her back to sleep, and am sure I should stop or something, but it's so haaaaard in the middle of the night...
I know your 12-month-old seems like a big baby to you now, but he's really still very small. Lots of teeth and sleep regressions still to come.
If you're looking for something concrete to try, there's this: http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html
Good luck! It gets better. :)
Posted by: Christine | June 21, 2011 at 09:15 AM
My son turned 1 on Saturday and was up 3 times last night. He slept through the night a couple times prior to being 3 months old, and has never done it again. I lie to those who will judge me, and share my pain with my close friends :) Good luck mama, just know I'm right there with you!
Posted by: Melissa | June 21, 2011 at 09:17 AM
Two hands up here! Neither of my kids slept through the night at 12 mos. They are FABULOUS sleepers now (5 yrs. and 8 yrs.), and they did it all by themselves. (Sometime between age 1 and 2, if I'm remembering correctly.)
I think it's developmentally normal...babies' brains take some time to get wired for long, deep, uninterrupted sleep. It *might* happen by 12 mos. But it might not.
My guess is that the thrashing/restlessness has something to do with a developmental leap that baby is making. My kids always act weird when they're working on some physical or cognitive transition.
Posted by: Tine | June 21, 2011 at 09:19 AM
At 12 months my baby still woke up to feed 1-3 times/night and that was actually _much_ better than many of my friends' baby's.
When I got really desparate and thought I should night-wean, I tried having DH get up with DS. Pah. It would take > 1 hr to settle him back down (during which time I wasn't sleeping, either!) and he would usually wake up again. None of us could get up the next morning and any semblance of a daytime routine went out of the window. Eventually I said to DH that I would feed DS as much as he wanted and try to keep him quiet, but then DH had to be responsible for getting us all up in the morning. Within a couple of days, DS was actually sleeping much better!
For me and my friends with bad-sleeping babies, their sleep did improve with weaning. BUT: we all let our babies wean themselves (well, only gently nudged the process along). For me this happened at 15 months. I know other Mums who decided to wean, hoping it would help sleep, but it didn't.
Now my son is 19 months and for the last 3 months we have been able to put him in his cot, say goodnight, walk out of his room and not hear from him for 10-12 hours. This is still _amazing_ to me! Now, like others have said, I do actually miss snuggling up with my baby.
Posted by: Helen | June 21, 2011 at 09:20 AM
No advice, just some sympathy. We've got 2 kids - the first (boy - happy to be left alone to cry) slept through pretty much from 3 months. The second (girl - not at all happy to be left to cry) didn't do it until after 17 months. We did the same stuff with both (or so I think) - but our kids were just different.
The most frustrating thing was that her sleep followed no discernible pattern. One night, she'd go down well, but wake at 11 and then 3. Another night it was a struggle to go down and then only one wake-up at 1am.
Breastfeeding (and therefore night nursing) stopped at around 8 or 9 months. After that, we just stroked/soothed/cuddled and then, by 12 months or so, just some consoling words ("it's OK, go to sleep"). If it was a bad night, one of us would sleep in a sofa bed next to her crib cuddling her - although we did co-sleep in the very early weeks, we wanted to avoid habit-forming by bringing her into our room once she was several months old
From 17 months, she began to sleep through most of the time and now aged 19 months, she's reasonably reliable. Now, she just wakes up at 5.30 - and that's a whole new issue to learn to deal with
So, as I said - no advice - just some similar experience to share. Hope it gets better soon
Posted by: TDodd | June 21, 2011 at 09:20 AM
I seriously dreaded this question for a long time until I went to a talk and the lady said only 30 % of kids actually sleep well. I was SO relieved and thought, "hey, we're not the odd ones out. The sleepers are" LOL
big hugs to you and I say just ignore those annoying judgemental people or if you're more aggressive like I am, tell them if they have something to add, they're welcome to come try their hand. Which night would they like to sign up for?
Posted by: Marcia (123 blog) | June 21, 2011 at 09:21 AM
Well, I will confess right off the bat that both of my kids slept through the night at 12 months - they slept through the night from 7.5 months on, both of them. It's worth noting however that *everybody's* children, even the best easiest sleepers in the universe, go through periods of unsettled sleep. We had a nightmare 18 month sleep regression that lasted 3 months, and the kids' sleep is constantly evolving (they're 3 and 13 months). So it's not like you magically solve the sleep problem and voila! they always sleep. Before 8 months, their sleeping was a complete nightmare, esp #2, who was waking up 5-7 x every night.
But I'm commenting mostly because of the fighting and thrashing. What led us to night sleeping was night weaning/ CIO (they both cried for less than 20 minutes the first night and by night three fussed quietly for 5 minutes and then slept). What brought us to try this (besides desperation) was how unhappy they seemed at night, fighting, thrashing, they just seemed miserable & desperate for sleep. With #1, he got to a place where even nursing wouldn't re-settle him. It took me a long time to figure out that my babies really and truly wanted to be left alone. They don't like cosleeping and find it very difficult. (Until very recently when my 3 year old started climbing into bed with me during his dad's prolonged absence. See above comment on sleep changes.) I think they overstimulate easily; they think they want to be close with us but can't really settle down near us. So CIO worked really easily and effectively for us. It doesn't have to be a big scary traumatic nightmare. It's worth considering. But as others have said, and Moxie always says, the only person who knows your child is you, and you know what's best for him, and for your own sanity which is an extremely important thing!
I used to feel like a failure as a mom because my babies were the only ones I'd ever heard of who didn't like to co-sleep!
Posted by: Erin | June 21, 2011 at 09:21 AM
It might be the 13 month sleep regression that started round 12 months for us and went on till around 14.5 months. We had teeth coming through and learning to walk at the same time so it was pretty brutal for a while. In fact, let me say it was one of the most brutal periods of all.
That description of the thrashing could be a sign of night-terrors. Or not. DD had night terrors until she was 3.5 and there was a lot of thrashing and crying and irrational behaviour. Some lasted a couple of minutes ( although in hind-sight I wonder if they were real night terrors or just waking up possed off) some up to 40 minutes. You didn't say how long those epidsodes have lasted.
Night-weaning will not make a difference to the number of times he wakes up (IME). My DD was night-weaned at 7 months and still woke up continuously till past 3 years. She was obviously not waking up for titty. So my advice is not to night-wean or any wean for that matter until YOU feel you are ready to do it.
Posted by: paola | June 21, 2011 at 09:22 AM
Just tell people he sleeps like a baby.
My 2.5 year old doesn't sleep through the night. Heck, my 5 year old wakes up still sometimes.
Someday, they will go to college, and this will not be my problem.
Actually, it's not really a problem usually now. Just because they wake up, doesn't mean they need me to do anything for them.
Posted by: Brooke | June 21, 2011 at 09:29 AM
Neither of my kids(now ages 3 and 5) slept through the night at 12mos. And both were still nursing and co-sleeping with us at that age. DS, who is 3, still only sleeps through the night 1/3 of the time while DD slept through the night every night starting at about 20mos.
DS had and occasionally still has, night terrors and nightmares. We go in and comfort him back to sleep. If he is too distraught we bring him back to bed with us and let him go back to sleep snuggled up with me. Generally I fall asleep too and then wake up a bit later and take him back to his bed where he will often sleep out the rest of the night just fine. I honestly see no problem with giving him the comfort he needs, especially when something like night terrors occur which are completely outside of our control. Now that he's in a regular bed he comes into our room on his own sometimes. I allow this to a point and then take him back to his own bed.
Our pediatrician has a 3yr old himself and says that the situation is fairly similar at his house. Would white noise or blackout curtains (if you aren't already using them) help? Have you ruled out reflux? My little guy had problems with reflux long after the "standard" age for it.
And as for peoples' rude questions and reactions about it, it's really none of their business. Find some stock reply to give them that isn't rude but stops the questions and move on with it. He won't be a teenager in your bed, he's not going to breastfeed until he's ten, and at some point he will sleep through the night. I would try and not fall into the trap of comparing yourself to other peoples' expectations and do what gets you and your baby the most sleep.
And just as a side note, if any of these people asking have/had formula fed babies, it is more likely, though by no means a given, that they were sleeping through the night earlier. Breastmilk is "designed" to only last a couple of hours and a 12mo old is generally not eating enough solids to compensate for all night without food. This isn't really the time and place to go into all the whys and wherefores but there are thought to be a number of biological reasons why this is desirable. I didn't expect my babies to fully night-wean until they were eating enough solids that I felt confident they could make it through the night without a top-up. This was around 15mos for my daughter and 18mos for my son. I did however cut both of them back to 1-2 feedings between their bedtime and waking for my own sanity.
Posted by: Heather in Oregon | June 21, 2011 at 09:35 AM
J. My son was sleeping through the night and then it stopped at 12 months. I figured out it was because he did not need 2 naps a day. Sleeping too much during the day made him unable to rest at night. Once we went to 1 nap, he went back to sleeping for about 10-11 hours.
The thrashing sounds like night terrors to me from being overtired. If he is sleeping too much during the day and not resting at night, then I would guess overtired is creating the night terrors. You didn't mention how he does at naps.
I did do CIO at 4 months old, because I could not calm him. He wouldn't sleep with me due to sensory issues so he needed to learn to calm himself. I never left him to cry endlessly. It usually only lasted 5-10 minutes and I would walk in every 2-3 minutes, rub his back to calm him, and then go. My son is 3 now and I can leave him in his crib and he will play until he falls asleep. He wakes a lot overnight now because he is trying to stop napping. The only great thing is he will play until he gets tired again. I am DREADING changing him to a bed.
I am a big believer in CIO. As I said, not leaving them alone forever. Just walking in and walking out every few minutes. You are reminding them you haven't left. The crib is safe. It is so hard to teach them to fall asleep alone. (((hugs))) It was the hardest thing that I ever did. Standing in the hallway listening to the cries, but it paid off now.
@Erin...I felt the same way! Everyone had kids who co-slept and mine could not.
Posted by: Kristina | June 21, 2011 at 09:40 AM
My first one definitely didn't sleep through the night at 12 months. She was waking every 2 hours and would only nurse back to sleep. My second maybe was sleeping through the night, but at some point he stopped, and then started again. It's on and off. He is 2 and 3 months now.
It's totally not your fault.
I was in a similar situation to yours with my first. We were co-sleeping because she woke up so often and it was exhausting to get her from her bed so often. But my husband and I really wanted our bed back. And I really wanted my SLEEP back. I was a walking zombie! When I started getting extremely angry and resentful about all the night waking I decided that using a little CIO would be better than continuing with the way things were. It worked for us.
I don't want to add to your pressure. I too was very against CIO. Still am for tiny babies, but by 12 months they are able to self-soothe. Maybe worth a shot.
Let me just add that I live in Asia and here the conversation goes like this: "Does the baby/toddler sleep through the night?" "No." "Are they breastfeeding?" "Yes." "Well OF COURSE they aren't sleeping through the night. That's what breastfed babies do. My sister's/friend's/cousin's baby is 2.5 and breastfeeding and still doesn't sleep through the night either." Completely different standard over here.
Posted by: Kristie | June 21, 2011 at 09:40 AM
Neither of my daughters slept through the night at 12 months, even the one who loves sleep didn't sleep through the night at that age. I just had to get up with her the other night and she just turned 2 - but she did settle into a more consistent "sleep through the night" (a few nights in a row) by the time she was 22 months or so.
My eldest didn't settle into being able to sleep through the night till she was probably 4 with any consistency. She was the one who slept like you described - never wanted to settle down, fought sleep. We'd rock her and sing to her for 20 minutes some nights until she was 2.5. She co-slept in our room till around the same point; first in our bed, then on her crib mattress on the floor next to me. I then slept in her room with her on a couch we had in there as she adjusted to a toddler bed. Then she managed to fall asleep if there was music playing so we moved a radio into her room and let that settle her. Now at 5, she's in her own big girl bed and has been sleeping "alone" with a bed full of stuffed toys and books and her radio but still needs the radio, and the chance to look through books. Last night I think she fell asleep around 10:30. My point is, she doesn't like nor want sleep. Never has. And so I just do what I can to give her the opportunity to get the most sleep that is possible. She's meeting all her milestones so it's possible she's just one of these kids who doesn't "need" as much sleep as the average kid and I roll with that. When people ask how my girls are sleeping, I've learned to take it for what it's worth: Small talk. And none of their business. Good luck. Try and get as much sleep as you can when your son *does* manage to sleep and know that you are right, he won't be in your bed forever, he won't be up all night forever.
Posted by: B | June 21, 2011 at 09:43 AM
Totally normal for 12 months+ not to sleep through the night! Mine didn't! One thing that sometimes has helped is to have my husband cosleep instead of me for a while. For some reason they haven't been as bothered to go back to sleep with him there (probably because they know he doesn't have milk), whereas for me they won't settle for anything less. For a while with our first my husband handled night wakings for a while, usually 3ish our little boy really wanted milk and he'd bring him in, but it helped to have that longer chunk of sleep.
I know it's hard, but often people don't get it! Plus, sometimes a baby sleeps through the night once or twice, or for a week, and someone brags, but they aren't coming back later when their child has started waking up a million times again!
Posted by: Katy | June 21, 2011 at 09:49 AM
Why do people ask about sleep so much? I'm with mom2boy; I simply say something vague like, "Nights are going fine." I'm not sure why people aren't more honest about how their children sleep, but I only talk about what's really going on with close friends who don't judge me. When strangers ask me how my kids are sleeping, I'm always tempted to ask, "So how's your sex life?"
What goes on in our beds is nobody's business but ours. End rant.
For the record, I have a three-year-old who still regularly wakes up at night. But not every night.
Posted by: SanFranSarah | June 21, 2011 at 09:49 AM
I feel for ya, sister. Don't feel badly, you are a great parent, this is really hard stuff.
My first kid started fiercely biting me while nursing at 11 months, so we ended up weaning before I would have liked. I pumped/supplemented with formula until he was 12 months then switched to whole milk. We had previously co-slept and I would nurse him to sleep in my bed (with TONS of wakings, esp. during the early evening).
But when we started doing the bottle thing, he rarely just fell asleep, so I was rocking and rocking him and he wouldn't fall asleep! This led to a modified CIO- meaning, I'd feed him, rock him, put him in his crib and then go do the dishes in the other room for about 10-15 minutes so that I couldn't hear him cry. And I was shocked that first night when I turned the monitor on that he had fallen asleep. I don't know if it was the change in routine, the little bit of crying, the formula, the bottle- but he started sleeping much better with no or only one waking at night (when he'd get another bottle).
For us, I think part of the solution to better nighttime sleep was weaning (which made me sad). But in hindsight, I am so grateful I started getting more sleep. So don't feel badly if that is what ends up happening for you.
Best wishes!
Posted by: Barb @ getupandplay | June 21, 2011 at 09:52 AM
I absolutely feel for you. Yes, my child slept through the night at 12 months, but it was a steady evolution to get there. I scoffed at "sleep training" and CIO seemed so harsh. I mostly tried to take tidbits and lessons from everywhere and apply things as they seemed to fit our philosophy or needs. Our first rule was that the baby had to cry for 5 minutes before we would attend to her. 85% of the time she never lasted that long and could soothe herself back to sleep. If the crying went on longer than that, one of us would go in to assess the situation for dirty diapers, illness, hunger, etc. We kept lights low and wouldn't speak. We would touch, caress, and hum so she knew we were present and attentive, but removed all of the fun and typically tried to keep her in her crib.
I think we started all of that around 6-8 months. Slowly her night time time wakenings became fewer until she was sleeping 12 hours. Every kid is different. I think the point of everything is to establish rules that you and your husband are happy with and follow those consistently until your kiddo catches on. Whatever you try, give it a few weeks to settle in.
Posted by: jen | June 21, 2011 at 10:03 AM
I love you all.
Posted by: Moxie | June 21, 2011 at 10:03 AM
everyone has a friggin' opinion on this. if you do cio, they have an opinion. if you don't do cio, they have an opinion. you can't win. what you can do is what everyone else here is suggesting and just do what works best for you. complete strangers - and dear family/friends, for that matter - ask the most insipid, invasive questions like it's no biggie. crazy.
regarding cio, i think it's important to remember that you don't need to necessarily follow "the books" and go whole-hog. it's totally possible to tweak the concept for what works best for your kid, when it works best. like others have suggested, you can stay in the room if it feels kinder. we ignored the ferber method of drawing out the times between visits to the crying babe and went in every 10 minutes no matter what. we also picked her up and held her. it's not a one-size-fits all. when you find the right formula it totally has the potential to work beautifully. or not, and then remind yourself you won't need to tend to their waking when they're away at college.
Posted by: lee | June 21, 2011 at 10:03 AM
When my DD was 10-ish months she was sleeping in our bed, nursing all night and thrashing around keeping everyone up. It was a freaking nightmare. I didn't want to do CIO either and so we tried to get her to sleep in the crib without doing CIO and one night my husband literally walked around with her for hours while she cried. Finally we did the Ferber method -- starting with night weaning (not weaning altogether, she's over 2 now and still nursing at bedtime) and she actually cried LESS doing CIO than she did when we were trying to get her to sleep in her own bed with our help.
She still wakes up sometimes in the middle of the night, but almost always will go back to sleep after a quick diaper change. Most nights she sleeps through (and a few nights are just miserable). When she was working on molars we had more miserable nights and fewer sleep-throughs.
Anyway, my opinion is that CIO is hard, heartbreaking, yet effective and sometimes necessary. If everything else isn't working, maybe it's what you need to do. At least that was my experience.
Oh and it worked so fast that the longest we've ever had to leave her crying is 20 minutes in between checks.
Posted by: Jessica | June 21, 2011 at 10:23 AM
Our nineteen month old still sleeps with us, still wakes up like clockwork several times in the night and I still breastfeed him. my older son was sleeping much longer through the night much earlier, but he could not sleep near us, and my husband went in to him at night starting at 10 months old when I abruptly weaned as a result of medication that I had to take for my appendix. But that was pretty traumatic for all of us.
If your kid is thrashing around, you might want to put him in his 'own' bed somewhere near you so he gets a bit of space...he could be getting super over heated like our little dude. He only wears a diaper to bed!
Sometimes when I weigh it up I wish I had not coslept and fed him all.night.long because I wonder when it will end...but then I think of how rested I have been and it's been worth it. On the other hand, my other son killed me when he was in bed with us.
So if it's working, don't stop. If it's driving you mad, do stop. Many of the posters here in the past have talked about 'assvice', the bunkum that people feel obliged to tell you just because you spawned a child and they did the same once too. Blah to them. Like someone else said, unless people are willing to come and take a turn, they don't get to comment.
12 months is just that, a random age that every one has decided babies are supposed to be able to do things by. That's like telling someone that by 28 they should be able to write a novel and if they haven't they should be seriously worried and see a doctor.
You're doing a great job, and speaking as someone who has been happy to have one tool (nursing) that consistently works, I understand what you mean. Things just resolve themselves... Don't beat yourself up.
Posted by: kittenshoes | June 21, 2011 at 10:23 AM
I'm angry with the world today because my 4 year old calls me in the middle of the night and apparently I am the cause of it. Really? I am doing the best I can, judging the situation as best as I can. She's a good girl and she's scared for some reason, and I want to comfort her. Yes, I need more sleep so maybe I need to come up with another solution. But DH, please don't tell me we need to "discipline" her (even though you may be right).
Posted by: Sherry | June 21, 2011 at 10:32 AM
My 7-year-old was in a horrible sleeping place at 12 months - she had started sleeping decently (which is to say she woke up generally only once/night to nurse, which was fine with me) about 7 months but between 11 and 13 she was teething and sick and waking up 5-6 times a night. I remember getting a lot of crap even when I was perfectly fine with her sleep, about how to "kill" that last waking though, from people who were sure it was a "bad habit". Ignore them. You and your baby are perfectly normal.
(Um, and yes, except for the occasional bad dream or really loud noise outside or illness, she sleeps through just fine now.)
Posted by: Charisse | June 21, 2011 at 10:34 AM
I just want to chime back in quickly with what @Jessica said re: CIO - sometimes being in the room and trying to help them get back to sleep *does not help*. It can make you feel better, but it doesn't necessarily help them. Our made up CIO rules were this - Do not go back in, unless the baby is really crying. There's a difference between sobbing and fussy-crying. We didn't let them sob. But fussy-cry, they could do. It wasn't heartbreaking for us. I'm only saying this b/c people often think of CIO as terrible, but sometimes the things we try to do to make them feel better aren't really what they need. I know I'm probably in the minority - with @Kristina! - but my kids really needed me to put them down and leave them alone, even though it seemed totally counter-intuitive to me. (I thought, well, they're crying, they must need me.) Obviously, it totally depends on your child's personality. @Paola had a totally different experience than I (for me, nightweaning = sleeping baby). All our kids are different. Too bad there's no cookie cutter that works for everyone's sleep "problem"! (But I totally agree with people who argue that the whole idea that it's a "problem" is kind of fabricated anyway.)
@Moxie - we love you, too! You have saved most of our sanity at least once.
Posted by: Erin | June 21, 2011 at 10:36 AM
There is a reason why that book "go the f* to sleep" is getting a lot of word of mouth in my office. And that is an office of mainly dads (software development).
Is your baby getting new teeth? I remember my first one (right as she started to sleep through the night near 12 months) then began to sprout like 4 teeth at once and then the 13 month sleep regression. Fun times. Or would he have started drinking cow's milk recently (as you're nursing less during the day and he's at about that age) and be sensitive to it? [it is hard to resist troubleshooting. sorry.]
My older daughter was one who had a lot of trouble falling asleep, too - she just wouldn't (coudln't?) let herself relax and sleep. At age 3 1/2 or 4, we began working on "resting our eyes". At age 8, she still does a lot of flopping around in her bed before she settles down, but generally stays asleep until morning and no longer needs company to fall asleep.
Posted by: Cathy | June 21, 2011 at 10:40 AM
@Erin: yes the difference between sobbing and fussy crying! People told me there was a difference and I couldn't tell -- because I had never let her cry long enough to find out! But now I can tell the difference between sleep-crying/mumbling and actually being upset.
Posted by: Jessica | June 21, 2011 at 10:42 AM
We practiced Lie and Deflect. Lie (Oh, sleep's going okay) and Deflect (hand the child something strange to eat like tofu, both are great eaters and it was all we had). It worked like pointing at something shiny.
The older definitely didn't sleep through until he was three and dropped the nap. He just doesn't need much sleep. Never did.
The younger started earlier but not before a year, but I don't remember when. She's always been a better sleeper and we really did everything about the same. It's just who she is.
Posted by: Christine | June 21, 2011 at 10:48 AM
I'll pile on...
My son who is now 3 wasn't sleeping at 12 months, and he also had night terrors. They are just as you describe - inconsolable thrashing, sobbing, kicking and nothing calms him.
We tried CIO, and that would only work for a short time before he'd be back to waking again.
We also started having my husband tend to him during the night wakings. He was better able to get him to settle in the crib without picking him up. So, that seemed to be the best 'solution' - it didn't stop the night wakings, but did help decrease them a bit and felt like another soothing tool besides nursing.
Nothing could be done for a night terror though...those unfortunately involved lots of crying for up to 30 mins. We would just make sure he was safe and have to wait it out.
So my son is 3 now, and he has evolved into a pretty decent sleeper. He will wake up on occasion - seems to go in phases- but he settles easily once we check on him.
I have a 3 month old now, and i'm not looking forward to dealing with all this again! Good luck to you!!
Posted by: Libby | June 21, 2011 at 10:48 AM
I don't know anyone who has a baby that sleeps through the night. I know a lot of people with children.
My son started sleeping through the night at 3 yrs when I finally weaned him. I could have done it a lot earlier, but not 12 months.
My 14 mo doesn't sleep through the night. I don't know when she will. I don't CIO and it would be wonderful to get sleep, but I know it will happen one day.
I did not have that attitude with my first, but having gone through it all before I am not concerned about much because I know things will get better (and some things get worse--like having a mouthy 5 year old, but we won't go there).
Posted by: Carrie | June 21, 2011 at 10:56 AM
Two kids - neither slept through the night at 12 months. Each got up 1-2x a night (usually around 11-12 and 3-4) to nurse. For the older one sleeping through the night didn't happen until about 17-18 months...which was after she weaned completly.
The younger one is 14 months and nurses down then gets a bottle of whole milk for the 1st wake up and nurses at the 2nd wake up. He's recently weaned off of all daytime feedings. Just in the last week the 2nd wake-up isn't happening every night.
The killer with the younger kid is that he slept through the night (8+ hours!) every night from 2 weeks until nearly 3.5 months. I thought I had one of those mythical sleeping babies. BUT! Ever since then he's up 2-4x a night.
Good luck!
Posted by: kakaty | June 21, 2011 at 10:57 AM
me! I'm on baby 2 who didn't sleep at a year. Number 1 started STTN around 17 or 18 months. Number 2 is just starting to do it at 20 months. And they both have different stories. I was still nursing when they started STTN although DS1 took a bottle to go to sleep not nursing. And DS2 is still nursing before bed.
One thing that I think has helped with DS2 (but I think I did this AFTER DS1 started STTN but I can't remember), was to get him to learn to fall asleep in his bed. I'm not a CIO mom either... and this isn't a "no cry" solution but I don't leave him. I put him in bed almost asleep (or even asleep but I jostle him) and then I say night night and lay on the floor by the crib. I put my hand through the slats so I can hold his hand or rub his back or whatever. It was an ugly fight the first few times, I won't lie. But now he actually points to the bed and lays down and I lay on the floor without even having to touch him and I play scrabble on my iphone under the crib for the 15 minutes it takes him to fall asleep. Now I need to start moving farther away from the crib so I can start just getting out the door. It's not a fast process, but it didn't feel like I was abandoning him to the dark of night and even though he was crying sometimes I was there with him. ANd once he learned how to fall asleep, that seemed to help him in themiddle of the night. I do think this has been easier to do a little older so I can reason with him a little though....
Anyway, you're not alone. In my play group with DS1, a few of the kids didn't STTN til over 2 years old. And none of us had those "STTN from 6 weeks old" kids who I think are unicorns anyway.
Posted by: jill | June 21, 2011 at 11:01 AM
This sounds just like my daughter. I felt very desperate that at 11 months she would sometimes be waking up and nursing up to four times a night. And then if nursing didn't work, she would start fighting- hitting in the face, pushing away, biting (not very pleasant when you haven't slept all night.) I decided to night wean (had done that during the day easily) and realllly dreaded it, because, as you say, it seems to be the only weapon in the arsenal. But it just got to a point where it didn't seem like things could get any worse. We night weaned all at once, and there was a lot of crying involved (she would refuse to be comforted or snuggled, just go right into fight mode and motion that she wanted to get down to play or go downstairs) and took about two weeks. I think whatever you do, commit to trying it for a week straight, and then re-asses. She sleeps through the night 98% of the time now. No matter what you do, it gets better eventually!
Posted by: Maisie | June 21, 2011 at 11:02 AM
My 26 month old doesn't sleep through the night yet. It's still a struggle to get her to go to sleep in the first place. I think it helped her when she got big enough to sleep in a twin bed on the floor (no bed frame -- just the mattress and box spring on the floor). She falls asleep w/ my husband, then he puts her in the bed, then when she wakes up she can come find us. (Our bed is on the floor too.) But 12 months is a little young to be able to do that.
As far as the thrashing, etc, I've had to stop nursing our daughter after like 8 at night, until she wakes up the first time, because she wouldn't go to sleep -- she'd just keep nursing and driving me crazy. One of us would still hold her and try to help her go to sleep, and there was (and still is) some crying involved, but she falls asleep faster than she would if I just kept nursing her.
And she still wakes up 2-4 times a night to nurse, but we co-sleep, and she goes right back to sleep (usually).
Hugs!! A friend once told me that I'll have to give up a lot for my baby, but that she'll also have to give up some things for me. That's part of what makes us a family. Follow your instincts, but don't feel like you have to do it all!
Posted by: Jessie | June 21, 2011 at 11:02 AM
Oh yeah, and one other thing -- stop telling people when they ask!! Ever since my daughter was born, when people would ask, "Is she sleeping through the night yet?", we'd say, "She does a really good job!" or something vague like that. It's not really any of the their business, and if you know they're not going to be supportive, just don't put yourself through that.
Posted by: Jessie | June 21, 2011 at 11:04 AM
@J: The idea that a baby should be sleeping through the night at 12 months old is ludicrous to me. I know you need sleep, but please don't feel like a failure because your baby isn't sleeping. It's normal!
At 17 months my DS was not sleeping through the night--that is the last specific age that I remember, because at 17 months I told myself that I wasn't going to let it bother me and quit worrying about it (well, sort of). If he woke up, I just let him come sleep with me in my bed, and some nights I just let him sleep in my bed from the get go. He is 6 now and sleeps through the night just fine in his own bed.
My DD has night terrors and once I realized that there was nothing I could do for her--and she doesn't remember them in the morning--I check on her once, and leave her alone. If she continues to wail for 5 minutes or so, I check on her again, and sometimes at that point, she can be comforted down. She will be 4 in August, and still comes to snuggle in bed with me most nights (around 2-3 am or so).
And @Sherry--my opinion (although you didn't ask for it, so take it for what it's worth) is that a 4 year old does NOT need to be disciplined for waking up in the night and being afraid. Maybe she could come to you instead of calling for you? You might get more sleep that way.
@Moxie-we love you, too! I'm pretty sure my parent friends are tired of hearing me start a sentence with "Well, Moxie says..."
Posted by: Mogget | June 21, 2011 at 11:05 AM