Responding appropriately?

If you and your elementary school-aged child's other parent were divorced, and the other parent died suddenly, what would you need from your child's classmates' parents? You have a highish-level full-time job.

(I'm one of the classmates' parents in this scenario.)

Comments

[Cece]

Definitly do the online meal delivery service. When my daughter died, everyone wanted to help, and it was too much too fast. One of my close friends did a website for me and my family at Lotsa Helping hands - and it was great. I could look and see who was bring dinner when. They also organized someone to come in the morning to help me with my newborn daughter, and someone else to just call and check if I needed help with errands. A very hands off thing for me - and a great way for a big group of people to look and what I needed, and when they could pitch in.

I would try to get in with someone close to her and get an email list of people who want to help and do that. I will tell you, it was a big relief to me to take a step back, see what I really needed, and then my friend would shoot out an email and all of a sudden, people would just do it. And it avioded 15 cassaroles on my doorstep.

[Clare]

I think the idea of hosting playdates, day trips and the like is really generous, but perhaps not quite the thing at the early stages. It might read as trying to replace the "fun things" that s/he did with Daddy.

If I were in this mom's situation, I would want to outsource the mundane of every day life so I could focus on my child. In that vein, I LOVE the idea of gift certificates to things like laundry or cleaning services, grocery delivery services, amazon. Things that the family can use on their own time or in their own way to create a new normal for themselves. Something to take the pressure off for now.

In addition, I would likely keep my distance for a bit until the initial numbness wears off, then make concrete offers -- help get the child to activities that my child also does, playdates if we're friendly enough. What I wouldn't do is offer to do something that would be really difficult or inconvenient for me to do, only because I, personally, would be more likely to flake out, and I would not want to leave them in the lurch. If I can do it easily, I can do it long-term, or at least until it's not needed any more.

[AM]

All good responses.

As someone who is about to be finally divorced but has been co-parenting my son with his dad for over two years, my first reaction to this is wow, this is complicated. Of course the child has lost a father which is so sad and heartbreaking. The mother - what kinds of emotions is she going through? Guilt, remorse, over whelming sadness for her son, grieving for a former partner (and if their post divorce relationship was good), fear of what's going to happen. Sorry, my thoughts are probably over stated.

Moxie, are you close with family? I'm getting the feeling, no. So if it were me, I would send the mother a simple card and provide your numbers/emails etc. and tell her you'd like to follow up in a few weeks for her to go for a coffee, or to have her son come over for a playdate (or join in on an activity like others have said). May be offer to help her with any of the logstical stuff that might be troubling her - were they coparenting so is she prepared to have a child full time? Is she being left to do a lot of the legal work,etc. following her son's dad's death? It's a balance of giving people space, but making sure they know you are available for support and help. I'm probably conservative on this one as for me, when I am in distress about something/crisis, I hate feeling smothered by people . But everyone is different.

[Camilla]

@Wilhelmina - your advice sounds right on (from another whose father died at age 9).

I am an introvert. The colleagues of my father's who took me for a weekend at their summer cottage while my father was ill, were great; I remember jigging for fish, and a lot of play-in-the-woods downtime. Their children were grown, but they clearly knew what they were doing in parenting matters.

The Christmas shopping trip (so I could get something for my mother) not so great - too many decisions to be made, and no default assumptions about how it would go. Being spur-of-the-moment invited to Thanksgiving dinner by a neighbor's kid, the day he died (we were in Canada, he died on American Thanksgiving) was awful, and made me feel like a charity project.

In retrospect, it's clear that I like routine, especially when stressed. I don't want to be taken out and amused, I want to put my hands to work doing something familiar and useful. An extroverted child is going to want something different from what I wanted, but an extrovert may also be better equipped to ask for what they need.

[pp]

This is one where the teacher might be the best conduit, especially if you don't know the mother well (if at all).

Put the word into the teacher that you'd like to help if there's a problem with the kid or the parent. Right now they're all in shock, but the real issues will likely surface in a few weeks or months.

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[Penny]

No time to read all the comments right now! I think it depends on how close you are to the parent and/or the deceased. If you know the parent well, you will probably know whether practical support, words of encouragement, hugs, time together, or even a gift would be most welcome and communicate your concern most clearly.

If it were me, something written to me, and/or the child, would be a treasured memory to keep. A simple enquiry 'how are you doing?' later down the track, when life is seemingly back to normal, would be very welcome.

[Dawn]

I'm sorry if this is repetitive, but I didn't have time to read all the comments. I have two good friends who lost their husbands in the last year or so (one to cancer and one to a freak accident) and I think that grief counseling for the child/ren has been very valuable. One friend took her kids to Peter's Place ( http://www.petersplaceonline.org/about.html ) and if you could find something similar and recommend it to the surviving parent, that would be nice.

Additionally, I think the biggest thing you can offer is time - if your kids have shared activities, offer to transport her child as well, for example.

Finally, I think it's important to remember that they won't just be grieving or in need for the next month or so. If you can remember the family every month or every few months, I'm sure that will be appreciated.

[Sharon @proactiveparenting]

Here's what I offer for close friends.
I tend to offer things for the time when everyone has gone away? That's when the grief hits. So I send a card that has a beautiful coupon book in it. It has things in it like:
I will come do laundry when you can't face getting out of bed.
I will bring you lunch and listen when you think you're all alone in life.
I will bring a bottle of wine and come listen to your memories when you think no one else can handle hearing about ____ anymore.
I will keep your kids for the entire weekend when you just need time to be alone and grieve.

For others, like when my son's 4th grade art teacher died suddenly from an asthma attack. We were becoming friends, but didn't really know each other that well. I asked her close friends to seriously let me know what I could do. I was willing to organize food, shopping, laundry, with all the other parents at the school who didn't really know her but appreciated what she did for our children. That way the family could keep going without all of us being in their faces, but help was guaranteed to arrive twice a day. Once for food and once for a tiny bit of help around the house for a 2 week period.

So sorry this has happened. Best to all of you.

[vibram five fingers]

The child and parent will need support the most when everyone else has gotten back to their own normal routine.

[vibram five fingers]

I think that it is super-nice to be consistent with your offers over a longer period of time.

[Mens Corduroy]

In the most Biblical sense,
I am beyond repentance
Fame hooker, prostitute wench, vomits her mind
But in the cultural sense
I just speak in future tense
Judas kiss me if offenced,
Or wear an ear condom next time

I wanna love you,
But something’s pulling me away from you
Jesus is my virtue,
Judas is the demon I cling to
I cling to

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