Responding appropriately?

If you and your elementary school-aged child's other parent were divorced, and the other parent died suddenly, what would you need from your child's classmates' parents? You have a highish-level full-time job.

(I'm one of the classmates' parents in this scenario.)

Comments

[Slim]

Are the parents remarried?

A: Offer anything, even if you don't know the classmate that well. Mention it: "I hope this doesn't seem too out of the blue, but if you need anything, let me know. Can we have X over sometime? Would it help if he came home with my kid after school for a week? Can I get him to baseball?"

We had a recent death (not a child's parent, luckily), and it is pretty amazing how much stuff people who aren't the spouse need to deal with.

[Susan]

I'm from the South, sooo... casserole? But, I'm sure babysitting, playdates and/or offers to run little errands might be helpful -- especially after the first few weeks, once the family and close friends have backed off a bit.

[Kathryn]

If your children are in the same activites, offer to get the child to/from the activity. Also, I always think of offering to bring over a meal when someone dies, because it would be the last thing I would want to think about.

[Moxie]

Not remarried, either one.

We live a long way away, but maybe I could drop off food if I knew if she was at work or at home.

I'm just at such a loss here...

[Betty M]

If offering playdates offer a specific date don't leave it open. Make it easy for them to take the offer and hard to say no. Same with food - organise yourselves amongst the parents - 30 dishes of Lasagne at once aren't terribly useful.

[wookie]

If their activities intersected, I would offer driving. That's about the run of it, not knowing how well you know the other person.

[Misc Jenn]

Giftcard to Target/Wal-mart/some other multi-purpose store?

There's bond to be things they'll need further down the line that they just can't think about now.

[Jessica]

I always appreciate really specific offers of help. When someone says, "oh whatever I can do to help you" I NEVER call them. When they volunteer to do X, I am much more likely to take them up on it. Also, when I am in crisis situation, sometimes I can't even figure out what someone else could do that would help me, so specific suggestions are appreciated.

In this case, what springs to mind for me is how she is going to cover days off from school, etc when her spouse was supposed to be the one handling them, particularly since you said she has a highish-level job. So maybe you could say I know we have random school holiday next week, etc., can I have X over to our house that day?

Also, I think that it is super-nice to be consistent with your offers over a longer period of time. She is probably flooded with food/help for the next week or two, but it is kind of like a new baby. It's weeks 4-12, when most of your help goes home and you ate all of the casseroles fom the neighbors, but are still dealing with the grief and aftermath that you really, really need the help.

[Miriam]

Sounds very similar to a situation that happened in the blended family I used to nanny for. I agree, I think you try all the usual thoughtful things you can do when a death occurs: food, playdates, offers of help. Did the father take care of the child certain days of the week? Those would be the times to offer a playdate, since she may not have back-up.

[jesse]

Thoughts go out to your child's classmate and surviving family.
When tough things have happened in our family, my instinct was to hunker down with my immediate family. This means that I needed to be the one to take my kids to activities, I needed to have them with me after school, and I needed the privacy. This phase is the beginning; a necessary burrowing and regrouping. And in this phase, the biggest help would be meals and support as needed with keeping up in school.
I suppose a close friend of the family or the teacher might be able to let you know when the family needs different support, i.e. rides to activities, play dates, inviting the family over for dinner.

...my two cents

[Moxie]

Rats. This is going to be tough. We live ten miles away from them, and I don't have a car, so it's an hour+ on the subway. I don't even know how I could go get him to help cover time.

This is perplexing.

[Tzipporah]

There's no rush. The remaining parent will be grieving and disrupted for a long time. Check in with him/her a month from now, 2 months, 6 months - playdates etc. will still be helpful then.

[Cloud]

I don't know if this is what she'd want, but in your situation, I would probably offer to take the kid along on a fun outing (like to a museum or something) some weekend, to give her time to process her grief on her own and/or work through the practical matters she is dealing with.

[Danielle]

You don't have to be the one to cook/deliver. You could be the organizer via a site like mealtrain or takethemameal.
Agree on the playdate suggestions, too - offer a specific date and a convenient (for both of you) meeting place.

[hush]

Also, there are free online sites that groups of people can use to coordinate meals/vists etc for someone who is experiencing a life upheaval like a death, a hospitalization, or a new baby. I've personally used Care Calendar before with a lot of success - the recipients have appreciated it because the donors can specify what meals they're bringing and when, and it helps avoid duplication.

http://www.carecalendar.org/

[melissa]

What about finding out what the child specifically wants? ie His/Her favorite food and bring that/have it delivered.

[Slim]

Weekend handoff at a midpoint?

[Jan]

I'd say in this situation the child is the one who needs support more than the divorced parent. Not that this isn't complicated for her, and hard, but not like an elementary-school-aged child losing a parent. Do you know the child well?

I think you play to your strengths. You're good at non-judgmental listening. Maybe ask mom if it's OK if you offer an ear for the child if he wants one. I'm just picturing a kid whose parents are divorced having a lot of grieving to do that he simply can't do with the other parent. Sadness, anger, all the complicated emotions -- just made all the more complicated by the Divorced Relationship.

If the child is a close friend to yours, I'd talk to yours about what he might be going through and encourage him to be understanding and kind and all that.

Sometimes, though, things suck and there's just not much you can do about it.

[Slim]

Doesn't LOD have a car? Maybe this is something he does on his weekend?

[Moxie]

Slim, yeah, I can't volunteer my ex-husband. Weird to think that I could have volunteered him if we were still married. Not sure I ever want to have that kind of relationship again... But I digress, seriously.

I just asked people who're closer to them if anyone's organizing anything yet.

[Sarah]

What about a book (Tear Soup maybe) on grieving for the child and a gift certificate with enough money for a meal on it. I think those along with a heartfelt note would be really nice.

[sueinithaca]

grocery delivery service. That's my go-to gift for bereavement and childbirth. What I usually do is call the company and set up an account for the person, then buy a gift cert and have it e-mailed to them. That way they don't have to use brainpower to go through the bureaucracy but can choose their own groceries.

Is there anything special that the dad and kid did together as a routine? If it would fit in with your life, it might be nice to offer that outing a few times. For example, if dad and the kid went to a museum and pizza every Saturday, take him and your kids to a museum and pizza a couple of Saturdays. It's hard to miss a person, and also hard to miss everything you used to do with them. Some transitional easing of routine might be helpful, while still being fun for you (or your ex) and the kids.

Short of that - offer rides/subway escorts to the psychologist?

[Katherine]

http://www.mealtrain.com/?gclid=CLWY77ac1qcCFQkFbAodSkgD-A

This website is genius for organizing meals and such...

[Julie]

MealTrain.com

[Andrea]

A grocery (Kroger) gift card.

A box of groceries.

Or a delivery from Amazon.com's grocery service (or Diapers.com) with toilet paper, paper towels, dish soap, cereal, dog treats, and a few books or small distraction-type gifts for the child.

[HereWeGoAJen]

Okay, not the exact same situation, but our baby just died before he was born, so my advice is don't offer help, tell them what you are going to do. Say something like "unless you tell me not to, I will pick up your kid after school to come here to play and for dinner, and then bring them back to your house. Would Tuesday or Wednesday be better for you?" I found myself only accepting help that was concrete. I got dozens and dozens of "if you need anything, please let me know" and I didn't even answer those. I mean, certainly give them options, but be very concrete. And you might think of what no one else thinks of, like does the lawn need mowed? (Our lawn needed mowed.)

But in the case of a divorced family, the physical needs might not be that huge because they already lived apart.

[hush]

@HereWeGoAJen - I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby son. I just found your blog here today, and you are so eloquent.

[wendy]

...a cleaning service? Laundry service? My brother gave that as a gift when I had my twins and I was so very happy to have someone clean the cobwebs and mop the breast milk off the floors before the christening. The goal should be to help the parent have more time to help their own kid. I can only imagine that grief is like having a new baby- you don't want someone else to help with the bundle of baby, just the bundles of laundry.

[Nancy White]

Make sure they know about this (or another center like it). I've recommended our local center for grieving children to two families where the kids lost a parent (one was divorced and the other wasn't). In both cases, they found it very helpful to find peers in their loss. http://www.acaringhand.org/Home/tabid/36/Default.aspx

[snickollet]

I have to imagine that in addition to whatever grief the parent will go through, the biggest adjustment will be the sudden shift to being a full-time single parent. To that end, the most practical help you could provide would seem to be with the logistics of the transition. Is it school drop-off that will be the most challenging change? A lack of childcare at a certain, critical time? If there is a way to identify how that shift will change the family's life, I'd try to zero in on that and look for a way to provide relief there.

To that end, if your child is close friends with the child in question, I would offer to keep the child overnight on a weekend or take him or her along on an outing or have him or her over for dinner, etc. I found that when John died (granted, not suddenly and we were still married) I really needed breaks from the relentlessness of being the 24/7 single parent so that I could catch my breath, process my own emotions, and catch up on a mountain of logistics. Also, it's a nice distraction for the child (not that one should be distracted from grief, but it can be nice to just step away into a something else from time to time).

Given the constraints of your own busy life, I will also say that a handwritten, heartfelt card, a bottle of good wine, and some chocolate (or other special treat) for the mom plus a special gift for the child would be really appreciated by all. Oh! And if you know someone who sews and by chance you could access some clothing from the deceased parent (or if you know someone who can), have a lovey made from an old sweater or shirt or something. I have a collection of loveys made from John's favorite fleeces, and the kids and I adore them.

This is not easy and there are no formulaic answers. A simple "I'm so sorry" really means a lot.

To that end, if your child is close friends with the child in question, I would offer to keep the child overnight on a weekend or take him or her along on an outing or have him or her over for dinner, etc. I found that when John died (granted, not suddenly and we were still married) I really needed breaks from the relentlessness of being the 24/7 single parent so that I could catch my breath, process my own emotions, and catch up on a mountain of logistics. Also, it's a nice distraction for the child (not that one should be distracted from grief, but it can be nice to just step away into a something else from time to time).

Given the constraints of your own busy life, I will also say that a handwritten, heartfelt card, a bottle of good wine, and some chocolate (or other special treat) for the mom plus a special gift for the child would be really appreciated by all. Oh! And if you know someone who sews and by chance you could access some clothing from the deceased parent (or if you know someone who can), have a lovey made from an old sweater or shirt or something. I have a collection of loveys made from John's favorite fleeces, and the kids and I adore them.

This is not easy and there are no formulaic answers. A simple "I'm so sorry" really means a lot.

[snickollet]

Yikes, not sure what happened to my comment there. Sorry for the redundancies.

[Kim]

Don't want to repeat what others said, although I totally agree with maybe doing something a few weeks from now, since that's when the support dies down.

Also, depending on how comfortable it is for you, keeping them in mind around father's day. That'll obviously be a hard time for the kids and her as their Mother helping them through.

[MemeGRL]

First--acknowledge that this must be hard and so twisted--is spouse welcome at the funeral? Often surviving ex-spouses are presumed to not need to/be entitled to grieve, as if the end of the marriage meant the end of all feelings.

Not good for this time around but anytime someone dies, survivors can use a big envelope of $1 bills for tipping floral and other delivery people.

Also good if casserole is not on your radar screen: snack food. The dad of my neighbor died recently and I took over chips and salsa from one of the little gourmet places here, and their berry "salad" with cleaned, cut strawberries and blueberries and blackberries, and they were demolished by all the people hanging around the house. Also good if you know a lot of people will be there: a sandwich tray or soft pretzels (I'm a Philly chick at heart).

[Slim]

I'm not suggesting that you volunteer him; I'm suggesting that letting him know that you're cool with any changes to the standard plan are fine with you if they will make it possible for him to volunteer himself.

[Tracy]

Yes here in the South, a casserole delivery is required. But I also always take a big pack of paper plates, napkins, plastic cutlery, Wet Wipes. There is a house full of people and who wants to do dishes.

[Amy]

I would focus on the child, personally. Have him/her over for a playdate, take him to the museum, get her a diary with a lock so she can write about her feelings in a safe place, etc.

I wouldn't get a book about grieving for a family I didn't know well, because I'd be certain to get the religious book for the atheist family, and vice versa. Murphy's law.

[Camilla]

You should poll your child for how he's dealing with it, and see if he's going to need help from you with how to be normal around his bereaved classmate. Almost all kids either withdraw and ostracize the bereaved kid, or else are creepily over-friendly. Being (gently) teased can be a blessing.

A disturbing memory that really sticks with me is of having to deal with a classmate's flagrant denial - inquiring nervously as to my father's health, repeatedly, months after my father was dead.

I think a written note in the mail is always appropriate, but if you weren't within a certain radius of closeness before, gifts or specific offers of help can be pretty awkward to receive.

If you really are close enough: is lunchbox packing a burden you can relieve?

[the milliner]

Perhaps the best way to get more specific ideas on what you could do (and what they need), would be to talk to the other people you know that are closer to them. This way you could maybe get a bit of a read on where they're at emotionally (i.e. being OK, or not, with help from people they know less well), while being able to ask someone more detailed questions about what you could do without worrying about overstepping any boundaries.

ITA with @Jan in playing to your strengths. And also agree with those who suggest to be more specific in your offers or phrasing them more like 'Why don't I do X for you', so all she has to do is say yes.

And, finally, I'm thinking that for the rest of this school year, when anything comes up that's required of the parents, you could offer to help / do for her.

So sorry for this family's loss. Just heart breaking.

@HereWeGoAJen, So, so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. Hope you are finding peace as the days pass.

[Susannah]

Some ways to help remotely:

Offer to help with paperwork? Go to the registry to pick up a copy of the death certificate for life insurance? Provide support with legal matters if there are former in-law/step=parent/custody issues? Help fill out financial aid applications for schools with the new single parent income figures? Help figure out how to invest any life insurance for kids...

Help arrange respite child care: Check out online sitter sites. Screen/interview potential sitters by phone and set up interviews with three at most.

Buffer/run interference with ex in-laws or step-parents? Offer to help transport children to former in-laws or step-families to spend time if there is still animosity? Provide a safe adult bridge for kids?

Help friend/kids write thank you cards for flowers etc.

Write the kids letters about their dad if you knew him.

[Celeste]

I think she's probably going to end up having to hire childcare (a manny?) to be able to keep up with being a fulltime single mom. Maybe her life will get easier with not having to debate anything with her ex, but it will be harder without whatever help he provided. Unless you know any resources to share for that, I'm not sure how much help you can be in your living situation, which is too bad.

Regarding the food, maybe gift cards for takeout/delivery. That way they could save them until needed, since it sounds like people can pretty much live off of that in NYC.

I like the offer of being an ear to talk to. I think the child's grief will pain the mother more than any way in which she is inconvenienced. But not knowing who wanted out...it's possible that she will have plenty of grief for herself.

You might contact the school's guidance counselor, as they often work with the family in a crisis such as this. Surely the class will have a talk with her about how to handle it, making a card, what are the rituals of death, and what happens. DD's 2nd grade teacher went on maternity leave and the sub was there for about 3 days before becoming widowed by an accident (and yes, that poor woman came back to work a week later to finish out the maternity leave gig). Expect the kids to talk amongst themselves about what happens when you die, and you will surely have your son be bringing these conversations home--a ripple effect. He will be a source of info about how things are going for the child, for sure. One thing you can definitely do is help your son to be a good friend to the boy while at school, even if it can't be worked out for you to offer childcare.

[Shandra]

@HereWeGoAJen, sorry for your loss. I lost a baby a few days after her birth and it's a sucky, sucky club to get a membership to.

Moxie, for help I agree that it's a special person who remembers to do something 6+ weeks down the road. Personally I would just send a card now and then do something at that time - an afternoon of babysitting followed by bringing the meal back with the child, for example.

If you want to go big I'd offer to pack lunch for the child (sent with mine) for the month of May or something like that.

[the milliner]

Reading @Celeste's comment reminds me...I found this book to be very helpful regarding discussing death with kids, as well as a general guideline on what they understand at what ages. It also talks about how to help a child during the grieving process while you yourself are grieving. Lots of good stuff including 'cheat sheets' at the back if you don't have time to read the book (i.e. were thrust into the situation suddenly and need some tools NOW to cope).

http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/1557044252/ref=oss_product

[Kathy_B]

I'm just thinking - what would *you* want if you were in the situation.

I agree with several comments above; offer something concrete. Getting together with people who are closer to her than you are is also a good way to go.

In any case, the child is going to need a lot of love and support.

[Kristin]

Haven't read all the comments, but how about packing a lunch for the child and sending it to school with your child. Then there's no extra travel for you and the mom has one thing less to worry about getting her child to school. You could even make the lunches special, so the child knows they have support.

[Julie]

Short term: Food. laundry. pet care. Don't wait for decisions because it's too emotionally exhausting to make them. Long-term: Someone to talk to that will acknowledge feelings (aka just listen). Future holidays will be really hard.

And depending on how close your kids are, you may see significant separation anxiety in your own kids. The summer my friend's dad died (I was 13 and was one of the first on the scene) I went a bit wiggy. Grief is so hard to process at any time in your life, but especially when you're a kid.

[Sheila]

I second the pack a lunch for the child idea! You could tell the mom that "unless you hear differently - you'd love to make the child's lunch for a set number of days..."

I also think sending some healthy snacks home with the child would be nice too. Cut up fruit and already prepped relish trays are easy peasy. But other healthy snacks are good too. During family deaths for me - all the heavy food just makes me feel awful. But the lighter, healthier stuff helped a lot. (same thing after I had my LO.)

[ARC]

I had a significant loss in my family when I was 8 and I think the last thing I wanted was to have to go to someone else's house and play, or go out on an outing and pretend like nothing happened.

I know you want to help the parent, but really think about what the kid wants. He/she may need to stick close to home, even if that's hard on the surviving parent.

[Wilhelmina]

My father died when I was nine, and although my mother was not divorced she was not a load-bearing person due to mental issues. It was a sudden death.

Offers to take me off her hands poured in, and I spent the rest of the day of the death with nice concerned people. But to this day I don't know who they were. And on it went for some weeks. It's natural and kindly meant! I'm not complaining. But you feel so unreal and your world does so end when you lose a parent as a kid, and suddenly you have this social life. And an always open front door.

And it ended, abruptly, when the world moved on and I wasn't welcomed at the same houses anymore. To far away for practicality etc. Bewildering.

So if you never had the child in question for a play-date before, I wouldn't start now.

My mother was rather paranoid, but I would think anyone would be bemused by strangers doing the laundry and grocery shopping in that early fraught period. We'd find women filling the fridge and it all seemed surreal.

If you can contribute to something from the school now that's best but in the future, if there's a listening ear you can give and help with school attendance and ask sincerely how they're doing and mean it that will help much more.

Write a nice letter. I re-read them over and over.

Seeing a bereaved child brings out strong nurturing qualities in people. Salt of the earth.A good thing.

But the mother here will need to be cautious who she lets near her child now and careful to find a new way to be a family. And she can use help with that for at least a year........

Sorry to sound this ungrateful wretch. And yes, my family put the dys- into functional. But I've talked with other people bereaved around the same time and we all had similar experiences.

[Kate]

I have nothing more to add. It can be so hard to know precisely without knowing the child and the mom and their individual personalities and relationships to the dad.

I just pray that mom's job will allow her the flexibility to take the time to physically, mentally, and emotionally be present for her child without feeling like she has to keep being a model employee right now.

[Elaine]

Such great suggestions.

Right now they are in shock and just going on automatic. In my experience a whole lot of the people clamoring to support them right now will drift back into their own routine in the next several weeks or months. Things may not really hit the fan for them until just around the same time. I bet the child will do some major grieving over summer vacation. The child and parent will need support the most when everyone else has gotten back to their own normal routine. You might want to think about how you could help support them on that end. Do you have time to become a friend to the parent? How about being a resource for the parent to find out how kids grieve?

I agree with what someone said - play to your strengths. You are great at hearing people. You are great at allowing them to be where they are. you are great at dropping pearls of wisdom in a non-threatening way. And you are also divorced, so you could identify with some of the difficult and possibly contradictory things the surviving parent might be feeling.

My advice for right now is to gently, in your own way, make some inroads to being a support for whomever in the family takes you up on it - parent or child.