The most helpful thing at four weeks?

Yesterday seemed to be a fairly horrible day for a lot of people, me included. So lets turn toward the light a bit, and share:

What is the most helpful thing you encountered (that someone said to you, or that you read, or that someone did) when you'd been a parent for about a month? (I feel like that's when it really sets in for most of us.)

For me, it was two things:

1. My mom was happy to talk to me every single time I called her (which was 3-4 times a day at that point) and always told me I was doing a good job.

2. My son started smiling, really early, and it was the positive feedback that kept me going.

Now you, please.

 

(Actual Q&A tomorrow if I make it through today!)

Comments

[drkimme]

My daughter was a slow weight gainer from the beginning. She was born at 7lbs 8oz, dropped to 6 lb 12 oz and stayed there for 5 days, and then only really gained about 1/2 oz / day from that point on (she's still only about 10lbs at 11 weeks!). I was really worried she wasn't getting enough from the breast (I had a breast reduction at age 18); my midwife recommended pumping after every feed, giving her the pumped milk + 1 oz (which eventually went up to 2 oz) of formula. It was exhausting, and if it were not for the fact that my husband was at home for the first month, I would have lost my mind.

When he went back to work, and my daughter was still not gaining tons of weight (and a lactation consultant I saw pretty much told me I was starving my daughter), I started to really unravel. At that time, my best friend (a GP and mother of 2), mother-in-law (nurse) and mother (overall wise woman) all kept saying to me "she looks great! Don't worry!". "Yeah, sure", I mumbled through floods of tears.

In the end, at her 6 week check-in, we discovered that she had grown 10 cm since birth! Turns out my baby is long and skinny - a banana baby, according to Dr Sears - just like her dad (not like me - sigh). My midwife reiterated: She looks great! I stopped pumping after every feed shortly thereafter, and we now only supplement 2-3 feeds/day.

So I guess the most helpful thing I encountered was my community of wise women...and learning to appreciate the advice from those that had been there before...hence why I'm visiting this fantastic blog :)

[Heather]

My son was an early smiler as well. That helped.

Also I remember my mom holding my boy and saying, "You make beautiful babies." That little boost stayed with me for so long!

[Jac]

With my second, my sister has been over almost every weekday morning to make me breakfast and help get my son ready and out the door for preschool. On the bad nights, when I am still awake while the dawn is breaking, there is nothing I look forward to so much as walking down the stairs in the morning to a hot cup of tea and breakfast. It's really kicks each day off fresh without the baggage of the day (or night) before.

With DD now 3.5 months, I can't believe those early days are already fading into a rather pleasant memory...

[Chris]

My inlaws (who I get along well with) came over to the house and told us to go to dinner. They would not take no for an answer. Was just what I needed and the baby lived without me for that one hour. :)

[kimu]

My husband had to go back to work when our son was 4 weeks old, but we got together every Monday for a picnic lunch. It just really helped to get out of the house, hang out with another adult, and have someone to take over a bit of the babycare for an hour. It also helped a lot that the weather started getting nice and very springlike at the 4 week mark, so we were able to go out for walks and soak up some sunshine.

[Charisse]

I actually posted on Craig's List for new friends when Mouse was 3 weeks old - Mr. C had gone back to work at 2 weeks and I was utterly miserable and lonely at home. I only got one answer, but it turned out to be a woman with a 12 week old who knew everyone in our neighborhood. She told me which cafe all the new moms met at every morning, and invited me to a "babies welcome" movie matinee that was happening every week at a local theater. Thru her, I met my best friend just a couple weeks later, and while best friend now lives across the country, she's still a best friend. And the initial responder - I don't know that we'll ever be personally close, but we help each other as much as we can and our daughters, the nerdiest girls at their respected schools, love each other still at 7. Well, Mouse is still almost 7 but anyway...finding a community right there in walking distance saved me.

[Erin]

I had a terrible day yesterday, too! It's weird how those things seem to go in cycles.

- Around 4 weeks with my #1, breastfeeding got a lot easier. We had a couple small rough patches early on, but by 4 weeks I was feeling really confident, like I knew it would "work" which made me relax a lot.

- Like Moxie, my mom tells me all the time what a great mother I am - this always makes me feel so much better about everything!

- At 4 weeks, my aunt asked how often he woke up at night, and I said he was still eating every 2 hours. She said, Oh he can go longer than that! I know this sounds like ass-vice, but it really made me think about whether or not I was over-responding to every noise he made. So I starting holding back a little bit to see if I didn't get him at every grunt if he would settle back down. He did! And I started getting a little more sleep every night.

[M.]

My mom always asked how *I* was, rather than how the twins were. I loved the twins, but was feeling lost as an individual and her interest in me really helped. She also told me what a great job I was doing and how proud she was. It was the most supportive and loving I can ever remember her being.

[wealhtheow]

My best friend's mom sent me a note saying that "The days are long, but the years are short." It remains the best parenting advice I've ever gotten, and really helps me get perspective during a hard day. The acknowledgment that while all this is going by so quickly, that those individual days can still be overwhelming was incredibly helpful, rather than just being told "enjoy it while it lasts." It really captured the duality I felt towards parenting a boy who, while I loved (and still love) him more than life, was a very sensitive, high-needs infant. He freaking ROCKS as a preschooler, though.

[amom]

Our family usually takes a trip to Northern Idaho to visit relatives at their lake house in July or August. With the baby due July 30th, there was no way we could go and we were all really sad. But baby came a full month early (happy and healthy), and around four weeks I realized that there was still time to take that trip! It was the most wonderful feeling, and almost felt like baby had given us a tiny gift by coming early.

[Cloud]

Moxie, I think I found you at about 4 weeks, and that was a godsend. Thank you!

Also, my Mom telling me how great I was doing, even when I felt like everything was going to pieces. And just being there to help me whenever I asked.

Yesterday pretty much sucked for me, too. I hope today is better for all of us.

[Stacy]

Two things for me.

The first one, when my son was about 5 weeks old, in the middle of winter, I was invited to a playgroup of moms with babies a few months older than mine by a local acquaintance I met through one of the BabyCenter.com boards. It changed my life. I had been cooped up inside with my newborn and husband (who was unemployed) and was so nervous to get out on my own -- and in great need of a friend or two. I met so many great moms and since their babies were older than mine, they were experts in my eyes! I went to weekly playgroups with these women for the remainder of my maternity leave. Although I'm not particularly close to anyone on a friend level, we still keep in touch via Facebook and local events. Our kids are all 5 years old now.

The second one was when my son was about 6 weeks old and seemed to be at the peak of his fussiness. I remember being on the phone with my brother, 1,000 miles away, who had a six month old son at the time. I was never very close with my brother, but he checked in on my frequently those early days. He asked me how I was doing and I was holding back tears because I just couldn't keep it together. His advice to me, which seems so simple and obvious in retrospect was to feed the baby when he cries. I was still stuck on what the maternity nurses told me when I was released from the hospital: nurse the baby every two hours, one breast at a time. So, that's what I did! My son was hungry! It never occurred to me to give the other breast at the same feeding or try feeding him when he cries, even if he just ate 1/2 hour ago. Well, duh! I tried that and it worked! He stopped being so fussy and things took a turn for the better after that. Note that my son was gaining weight fine so there was no reason to think he was not getting enough milk. Then, just like now, the kid has crazy metabolism and likes to eat!

Funny, now these two things are my standard unsolicited advice for new mom friends: Try feeding first when baby is crying. Get out and make friends with other new moms.

[monkeymama]

@wealhtheow, I just put that little gem on a sticky note on my desktop!

My daughter was an early smiler, and at 4 weeks, she smiled for her dad and me. It was great timing because he was about to leave for a month, and with all the emotions we both felt around that it was a great little gift for him to take with him.

Also about that time I found Moxie and others on the web. What did Moms do before the interwebs?

[electriclady]

I struggled with low supply (PCOS) and other breastfeeding issues. At 3-4 weeks I had a housecall from the incomparable Mona Gabbay. She gave me so much practical support, of course, but the biggest thing she did for me was that when I expressed some doubt about being able to power pump and all the other horrible things that go with trying to build your supply, she said: "If it interferes with your ability to enjoy your baby, don't do it." That reminder to put my relationship with my baby first--regardless of how I fed her--was exactly what I needed. And PS, it gave me the boost I needed to keep going, too.

[Amanda]

Someone told me about Hyland's Colic Tabs. And though that didn't cure the screaming completely, they sure helped! Maybe even in just making me feel like I was doing SOMETHING to help my poor little miserable gal.

[LikesLies]

Someone told me to never wake a sleeping baby, which let me out of feeling guilty for not feeding the baby on a schedule and for enjoying her naps oh so much.

[Amy]

My daughter was born with a soft cleft palette. It took us about a month to get her into the craniofacial clinic for her first visit. It was the nurse that took us back to get history, weight, etc. That was our angel. She showed us the trick of how to use the bottles the hospital gave us. We could feed our daughter! It did not take two hours for a few ounces. We cried with relief.

[Chris]

Joining a moms' group when Primero was 5 weeks old changed my life. The comfort of knowing you're not the only one dealing with crazy newborn issues + the nonjudgmental support of all the other mamas pulled me through.

[Wilhelmina]

The Maclaren pushchair ( stroller) suitable from birth.

I was so determined that my new baby would go in a nice baby carrier on my person. Before birth I had gotten an Ergo ( with accessories) and a Wilkinet ( UK brand) and after she arrived and screamed her head off in them I got a Babybjorn. Same result.

So we didn't go out and she had terrible colic and there I was looking for the baby wearing solution. A ring sling. Oh,dear. She felt she was being murdered or something.

Prams with her facing mummy and riding backwards didn't go over well either. The carseat was the only way and I couldn't carry it far.

I was crying in the shop trying the baby bjorn , yes indeed, when a nice young salesman came up to me with the Maclaren and said it could be used from birth. Why not put baby in it?

And she smiled and was happy! Really happy. All it needed was a foot-muff ( born in January) which was put on by the nice young man and we went down in the lift ( elevator) and out the shop happy.

I took long walks with her in it, I joined a walking fitness class she loved, it got us mobile and kept her alert little self entertained. Transformed parenting it did for me.

I did get told off for not using a sling at a pro-breastfeeding do. Not that I minded.

The real joke now the pregnancy and early motherhood hormones have long worn off three years later is that I have hyper-mobile joints. I can't carry weights. It's why I had to wear a medical support while pregnant. What was I thinking with the slings? Answer of course was that I was not.

[Wilhelmina]

Oh and @ Moxie. Sorry about the the horrible day.

[Rbelle]

Man, I don't remember being miserable at the 4-week mark, but I can't remember anything from that time that made me feel good, either! In fact, I remember having a lot of anxiety about people trying to get me to "take a break" from my baby - my MIL in particular kept dropping broad hints about how she was happy to babysit if I wanted to "get away." I know it was probably well meaning, but I just felt threatened. If she'd ever tried to insist, like a previous poster described, I probably would have broken down in hysterics. Just a little reminder, I guess that it's better to ask new moms what they need than assume you know. Calling my mom to vent was the only thing that helped.

What I do recall as a positive from those early weeks is that I felt I really knew my daughter and what she needed - even before she started smiling, I felt like she had a very strong and recognizable personality. And I was so very grateful to my husband that he seemed to see it too. After what various friends had said, I expected all fathers to view their newborns as lumps that cried and pooped, but my husband adored our daughter and found a lot to laugh about in the funny faces or weird noises she made. And at 6 months in, their relationship just keeps getting better!

[BiteSizeTherapy]

I have a sentimental attachment to the book "Merry Christmas, Strega Nona" by Tomie dePaola because I had it when I was a little girl. My daughter was born in early December, and I wanted to get a copy in the house before her first Christmas.

Of course, with a newborn, I was a little late to start looking for it. A small local bookstore ordered it, but said it would be unlikely to arrive before Christmas. Well, they called December 24th and said it had arrived. I explained that we had a newborn and that we'd be unable to pick it up. I explained the book was for my new daughter.

The bookstore owner drove to our house, on Christmas Eve, to deliver it. Unbelievable. I wrote this story on the inside cover of the book, so that my daughter will know about it.

[Charisse]

@Wilhelmina, I forgot about that! I had a sling-refusing baby too. And it was around 4 weeks that we discovered that the shrieking little monster would delightedly ride in the baby bjorn if we faced her outward. So there's another one.

[paola]

Well, that was about when PPD set in with my first. With no.2, at around that time I read about block feeding on Kelly Mom and that was a life-saver!!

[J Morris]

In the UK you can pay for a short course of ante-natal classes with the National Childbirth Trust. There's a couple of evenings and a couple of whole-day classes, and women at roughly the same stage of pregnancy can come along with their partners and learn all about before, during and after childbirth. It supplements the pitiful three-hour session that the NHS provides, but that's another story.

Anyway, the best thing for my wife and me was the reunion with the guys from the NCT class and the teacher after everyone's babies had been born. While passing everyone else's babies around we realised that everyone else had been struggling as well. It's so easy to think that everyone else is fine and you're the only one who has a problem, but there was everyone, having trouble breastfeeding, having horrible experiences with hospitals, having ill babies that won't sleep at all.

Nothing works straight out of the box, so to speak, and it was so good to meet other people who were also having a hard time. We meet up for coffee every couple of weeks with some or most of the NCT group. A lady in my office still meets up with her NCT group, and her baby is off to University next year.

So yes, knowing that other people have difficult babies made us feel better about our one.

[libbyllama]

Today was my bad day/morning (delayed on the West Coast??) and it's not even noon. Just teeth on edge and feeling overwhelmed at not having enough time to myself and the nonstop chatter of my 3.5yo DS.

And then the once-a-week babysitter came and they're off to the park, I come upstairs and read @wealhtheow's quote "the days are long, but the years are short" and I got teary and all the tension melted away.

Top 3 things that made a difference for me after the first month:
1. Finding Ask Moxie, for sure!
2. DS tongue-tie corrected at 2.5 months (nursing was so painful before that!)
3. Friend told me she didn't really leave the house for 3 months with her first child and since she was okay with that, it helped me to fend off all the well-wishers who were pushing me to GET OUT and DO SOMETHING (husband, included). I just really needed to cocoon with my baby and pretty much do nothing else.

I still get emotional thinking about all that this blog and its community helped me through these last years. Thank you, once again, Moxie!!

[creatingbalance]

Hah 4 weeks, I don't remember it all! I do remember week 3 when a friend called to check saying that week 3 was hard in her memory... It was a blurry time then, I'm pretty sure we had discovered the boy only slept on us or in the bouncer by that point and I believe I spent a lot of time in glider nursing. I think that around 4/5 weeks we got the big yoga ball out and that was the most soothing thing for him to be bounced up and down, got through a lot of nights like that. I really wish my mom had said I was doing a good job but mostly she'd just tell me how she would have done xyz. I think giving my DH the boy in the moby and going to bed at 7 saved me in those early days. Gosh and I was just started to think about a second, maybe not quite yet:)

[Cloud]

@Wilhelmina, @Charisse- that was us, too. Pumpkin HATED riding facing in. She only consented to be in a carrier if she could face out. I felt like such a loser because I couldn't get the slings everyone said were so wonderful to work for us.

[Nmom]

My MIL stopped by to drop off dinner one day. Baby was not sleeping/napping for days, it seemed, and I completely broke down sobbing when I opened the door to let her in. She took screaming baby into her arms and said, "Go take a long hot shower and then lie down." And she took baby outside where I could not hear the screams and rocked him until he fell asleep. When I woke up and apologized for breaking down she said, "Sweetie, that's what you're supposed to do with a 6-week old".

A lot of women knock their MILs, but I love mine to pieces.

[parisienne mais presque]

I was still treading water with my head reeeeeaaaaal low with my first at 4 weeks. My best friend from college (a surrogate sister, really) and my mother-in-law were the two people in my life with mothering experience who helped me hold on. They helped me decipher my high-needs infant, helped me keep on keepin' on with breastfeeding until it "clicked," and both validated, gently, how hard it was.

But the moment when things started to get better for real was at around 8 weeks. I'd been going to postpartum meetings at the hospital, meeting other moms there (mostly moms who had high-needs infants like mine), and drinking in the advice from a wonderful children's nurse/lactation consultant. It helped me feel like I wasn't living in some strange, sleep-deprived parallel universe.

Then, at 8 weeks, I went to a meeting and was the only mom there. I had the children's nurse all to myself! I anxiously asked her a few breastfeeding questions (something like "is it really OK to feed him whenever he cries?" if I remember correctly). She reassured me and I must have been on the verge of tears, because then she gently but pointedly told me, "It sounds to me like you're doing a great job."

I walked out of that meeting with my heart light for the first time in, oh, 10 months, since I first learned I was pregnant. I'd wanted a baby so much, but I'd been tied in knots for so long with anxiety and self-doubt. After that meeting, I felt like I could finally breathe again.

I remember stopping afterward to nurse my son at a bench overlooking the Seine -- it was a stunningly sunny afternoon in early September -- and thinking to myself joyfully, so this is what it's all about, being a mom.

And what do you know, a couple nights later he started sleeping... better. Not through the night, but in long enough chunks for me to start digging out from under the sleep deficit.

(Apologies for rambling, but number 2 at 3 months is currently reminding me what sleep-deprivation feels like. It didn't take me any time at all with her, though, to remember the joy.)

[Lynnette]

I was having a really hard time with nursing when my newborn was a few weeks old, and when I saw my lactation consultant, with absolute desperation on my face, she said "I can tell you are really connected to your baby. You are doing a great job." I lost it. I think I thought that if I couldn't do the most basic survival job of feeding her well, that nobody would think I was any good at this. I just needed someone that wasn't related to me to see how much I loved my baby. I still cry about that small kindness when I think about it.

My little girl got her latch issues sorted out and she just weaned at 19 months.

[AmyinMotown]

I really don't remember four weeks with either child. Hmmm. I just wanted to say how great it is that so many of you found nonjudgemental support from other moms. My hospital set us up with a parenting group which I was so looking forward to because I was dying to meet other parents. It was horrible. At the first meeting, we went around the room and talked about how we were doing with our babies. I said that it was just more everything than I expected...more wonderful, but harder, too. When it was this terrible alpha bitch's turn, she looked right at me and said, "I don't find anything hard about it. I love being a mom." Six years and a ton of acquired confidence in my mothering later, the memory still stings.

[Beth]

My first daughter was about 4 weeks old when we encountered a friend-of-a-friend in a restaurant with her husband and then 7-month old son. She congratulated us on the baby and then said, "It gets better at about 6 weeks!"

At the time I hadn't really thought about it having to be better...but sure enough, within two weeks, things really started to click for us and just get better, even though I hadn't really considered myself having a rough go of it.

When I did have fatigue and exhaustion with the second baby, I reminded myself of that acquaintance in the restaurant...and sure enough, just having the mantra of "it gets better at 6 weeks" just really helped a bunch.

[Therese]

I have to say our pediatrician was a blessing at this point. As I struggled and struggled with feeding the first 2 weeks he just kept saying, "Don't worry, just survive now, it gets better. He will smile at you when he's about a month old and it will all be okay." He was totally right, at almost 3 weeks of age, my son (and I) finally figured out how to nurse and the smiling happened shortly thereafter.

[Mintymamatea.wordpress.com]

Thank you Moxie for resurrecting those hazy memories of brand new motherhood.
My husband was my support, big time. He would race home from work on a fifteen minute break, drop a bag of fish tacos, a People magazine, and holler, "I love you, babe," and race back to work. I'd be up in bed, nursing Jack, tears drying on both our faces, and I'd go downstairs and see these treats and smile.
He would tell me over and over, in the same steady voice what a wonderful mama I am. He never told me not to get cry or be upset, just rubbed my back. He would smile at Jack and I out of the blue, while we were just sitting together, usually nursing, and I'd realize, "Our family!"
I figured before Jack was born, that a mother's love would override all- that sleep deprivation, isolation, and hormones would be easy to defeat because of that gutteral, mama's love. But we are children too, in many ways, and I needed taking care of too.

[Kat]

My lactation consultant - apart from boosting my confidence and giving me a little needed mothering - told me to relax and have a beer. Thank you, Lactation-Beer-Lady.

[Artemis]

2 things.
1. Someone told me, very earnestly and clearly understanding what I was going through, that it WILL get better. I held on to that for dear life. And she was right.
2. I found a great lactation consultant.

[melissa]

The hospital where I delivered had a mom's group (for babies from birth to 1 year) for nursing mothers. You could weigh your baby and talk about any issues you were having as a group(anything...feeding, kid taking a bottle, childproofing). It was run by a lactation consultant. I went the first time at 4 weeks and went every week until she my baby was one.

I just remember being so FRAGILE that first visit. I was so proud of getting the stroller assembled and the baby in it. Then, I clicked the lock button over my shoulder on the way into the hospital. When the car didn't beep like it does when it is secure, I went back to see that I had left 3 out of the 4 doors wide open. I was sensitive from my c-section and couldn't bend to get my baby on the floor like the other moms. There were moms there with babies sitting up and crawling. Why were they still there? Did they STILL need help (I realized later that it was kind of the cheer on the other new moms and to socialize, but I was despondant at the time)? The baby had a poop explosion and I had to borrow a wipe from another mom because I didn't have any left after the first poop. I just felt...raw.

But, getting to that group at 11 every tuesday and then calling my husband and both grandmas to tell how much she gained became my weekly goal. It was like tunneling out from underground. I'll never forget it.

[wealhtheow]

@AmyinMotown--what a BITCH! I bet you ANYTHING she got hers later on.

[Sarah]

Reading all the comments, and remembering just how hard I found the first four months or so, is making me cry. I had a horrible time trying to get breastfeeding working and we had awful snow so I couldn't leave the house for the first 4 weeks. The baby didn't sleep at all. We were exhausted. I spent a lot of time thinking about abandoning my baby at the hospital and running away. I can't believe we're really thinking about doing it again.

I think the thing which helped me most was the people who said to me "you're doing really well". I didn't feel like I was doing well. I'm really still not convinced that I was doing well. But it helped so much to be told it. Also, the lactation consultant who managed to get my baby feeding - every time I saw her she told me how amazing I was. I felt like such a failure because I had struggled so much with breastfeeding and she reminded me how amazing I was to have persevered and managed it. I hope people remember that I need telling how amazing I am second time round too.

[Beth]

For some reason I read these with tears streaming down my face. Human kindness gets me every time (Nmom at 2:49 - loved the story of your sweet MIL).

I don't remember specifics of 4 weeks... My second was screamy/colicy/whatever you want to call it. We survived because of my husband, my mom, my lovely English NCT group (that an earlier poster already described), and the fact that my daughter was born in April so we could be outside and not be going crazy at home. I now live in cold, cold Alberta and I'm so glad I didn't have my babies during a Canadian winter.

Nice to have you back, Moxie. Hope today is better than yesterday!

[mary-christine]

I remember I was still finding my feet at four weeks (what was the hospital thinking when they sent us home with a baby!!!), but at six weeks, I looked at Baby Boy after our sanity-saving daily stroll to the coffee shop and was overwhelmed by love for him. It took six weeks for us to bond but that bond is stronger than anything ever invented!

[Bird]

DH went on a business trip for two weeks after the baby was born - he left when little monster was 3 weeks old and returned on his 5 week birthday.

Around the time of his birth, my very best friend was in a state of limbo. She had just finished her master's degree and was waiting to go through top secret security clearance to enter the foreign service and as such was unemployed. Two hours after I put my husband on a plane, she was at my front door with a six pack of Sam Adams and a plate full of brownies. She came over every single day that he was gone and sat on the couch with me while I endlessly nursed my baby. She, though childless, very confidently assured me that one beer was fine and hey, maybe good for my milk supply. (And if I know her, she did her homework on the subject.)

Getting to sit on the couch with my best friend and have a beer made me feel so NORMAL. And she was the only person I would let dote on me because she was the only person I knew who at that point in her life had absolutely no responsibilities. She didn't have a job, she didn't have her own children to look after, and her boyfriend was thousands of miles away on another continent at that time.

Her first assignment takes her to India at the end of this year, and from there who knows? But she's getting married in July and I've already promised her that wherever she is in the world when she has her first child, she's got me, for two weeks. And that I'll bring her a beer.

Sorry to hear that yesterday was so rough Moxie. Here's wishing you a brighter tomorrow.

[charlene]

Oh, God, four weeks. At four weeks one mother told me that she hadn't been sure at four weeks that she wanted to keep her baby, but that it got better. That was SO EXACTLY the way I was feeling, and I was getting down from everyone else around me was all "Oh isn't it wonderful to have a little baby?!" and I was all "Not really!" (And the Little One was a very good baby, too, and I had an excellent support system. I was just overwhelmed by the whole thing, and it didn't help that I had no immediate bonding at all. I do not know how those with twins/colic/high-needs babies/no-support survive!)

(And it does get better. Way better. Thirteen-month-old Little One is a sweet (though getting stubborn!) little delight of babylove that I could not have envisioned in those dark days.)

[Stacey]

After weeks of our four year old twins squabbling and bickering with each other my son helped my daughter with something she could not do herself. He did this unasked and she said thank you with out a prompt.

I was floored and wanted to cry and smile at the same time. Bickering children has been very hard on me and has made the winter just that much longer. This must mean that Spring is closer than we think :o)

[Amy]

These stories are all so great. Now that I'm a mom of 3 (how did THAT happen?) I have a few things I always try to tell new mommies.

The first is that it gets a teensy, almost imperceptible bit better every day.

The second has already been said, but it bears repeating - the days are long, but the years are short.

The third is always, "You look GREAT! I can't believe you just had a baby." I felt so invisible behind my baby - like she had engulfed me and Amy didn't exist anymore - that it always helped to have someone see ME, especially when what they said was complimentary.

Oh, and the bonus advice for listening to the first three is, "only take advice from people whose children you could happily live with, and that includes me."

[hush]

It's amazing and wonderful how kind words & good deeds really do have the power to change a new mom's world.

4 weeks after DS's birth was Thanksgiving in the US, and we had no family at all in the city we lived in at the time. Although I'm an only child, and my parents could've easily flown or driven out to spend Thanksgiving at our house with their first grandchild, they chose not to - in part because we were soon planning to drive out to see them for Xmas, and also they had just driven out for the birth. Nevertheless, it was bullshit that they didn't come for DS's first Thanksgiving, when we really needed family around, and honestly it still hurts. This was also the time with DH finally cut his abusive parents out of his life. So DH and I both felt a bit like orphans.

Fortunately, one of our best friend's girlfriend's family (now they're married) who we hardly knew at all invited us to their house for Thanksgiving dinner - and we went and it was great. They were the most generous hosts, and really made us feel like we were a part of the family, and like DS was the little king of the feast. Very sweet - and a kindness I will always remember.

[David Smith]

Someone told me about the 5 Ss. It worked so well I got angry about how it would have made the previous 4 weeks easier.

[Alyssa]

My son was born 5 weeks early and because of a 1-week NICU stay and various other issues, we could not get breastfeeding established. I ended up exclusively pumping for 4.5 months, and just now am starting to supplement with formula.

I was devastated that I couldn't breastfeed. I felt like a failure. I heard so much about how important the breast feeding bond was, and couldn't come to terms that I wouldn't be giving that to my son.

I was talking to one of my friends about it, and she just said "It is what it is. Just do what you can in the situation". It's a simple thing, but it was nice to hear it from another mom. She wasn't judgmental about me not being able to breast feed (I was seriously very anxious about what people would think), and was just very down to earth about it. It really helped me relax about that situation, and being a mom in general.

Looking back, I can't even believe I felt guilty for pumping! And, really, I think that's what parenthood is like. Everything seems like such a big deal at the time, but just doesn't matter much in the long run.

[bonnie]

OMG I've totally blocked all of this from my memory, and reading all about it makes me think, "Why are we doing this again?!"

At 4 weeks Boo was starting to get fussy but no one seemed to want to acknowledge it. I felt people thought I was lying or being a wimp. Finally one day a health visitor said, "Thomas is quite unsettled, isn't he?" and I burst into tears. It was like someone was finally acknowledging how hard it was and implicit recognizing that I was doing something really difficult and it should not be taken lightly. That actually changed things for me; rather than feeling like I was a failure at doing something that everyone else was really good at, I felt like someone had finally acknowledged and commended the fact that I doing something really hard, and persisting and persevering.

Also, the comment about how the days are long but the years are short feels so true. Boo is almost 2.5 and we just think, where did the time go??