Tension increasers

Let's recap the theory. I think there are a minimum of two kinds of people, hence babies: Those who release tension by crying, and those who increase tension by crying. Which is why some babies seem to need to cry to be able to fall asleep, while others escalate more and more if you let them cry at all.

My first one is a tension increaser, who fell asleep being nursed or rocked, but if I let him cry for even 30 seconds he'd get so worked up it would take hours to calm him down. (Based on my experience with him, I always thought people who "forced" their babies to cry were heartless and selfish, and would pay for it with children with a myriad of emotional problems.)

Then I had my second, who got more agitated the more I rocked him, but when I left him alone to cry he'd scream for a few minutes and then fall asleep. He seemed to need to be able to release tenson by crying, and then once he got it out of his system he fell asleep like it was nothing. (I remember thinking that if he'd been my first I'd have thought people who didn't let their kids cry when they wanted to were selfish and pushing their own agenda onto their kids, and would pay for it with children with a myriad of emotional problems.)

This is absolutely not a binary distinction. My kids seemed to be pretty solidly one or the other, but there's so much variance, and some kids seem to be one for naps and the other for nighttime, or one until one age and then they switch, and personality and culture comes into play, too. So who knows if it's a continuum, or a box-and-whisker plot, or a Venn diagram, or a scatterplot. I'm sure in 40 years parents will be reading this thinking about how cute we are that we were just starting to figure this out, but for now I still find it an interesting puzzle.

FWIW, 10 minutes seems to be about when you can tell. If you let your baby cry for 10 minutes (which is an astonishingly long time), a tension releaser will be petering out and starting to fall asleep or at least winding down and not crying hard, where a tension increaser will be creaming even more loudly and angrily. Try it once, and you'll probably have an idea of which way your child leans.

Today let's talk about tension increasers. Tomorrow we'll talk about strategies for tension decreasers.

As I've said, my older one (who is now almost-9) was a no-holds-barred tension increaser. He would go to sleep easily by nursing or being rocked. Later, when he was a toddler, he needed someone to be in the room with him while he fell asleep, but he always fell asleep. In the middle of the night he could be comforted back to sleep, but he almost always needed some kind of touch.

If I left him to cry, either because I couldn't deal with it anymore, or I had the audacity to need to pee or something like that, or because I bought into the "let him cry" hype, he's keep crying. Louder and longer and more furiously than before, and he'd get more and more worked up. So then, instead of calming down in 5 minutes, it would take 45 minutes to calm him down from the crying. He needed the touch, and he needed to know that someone understood and was specifically paying attention to him.

Contrast that with me. I'm also a tension increaser. On Sunday night when my ankle was killing me and I didn't have a diagnosis yet and one of my friends mentioned "ankle reconstruction surgery" I started crying alone in my apartment, and it made me feel worse, and then I couldn't stop crying because the crying itself was making me feel bad. I cried for two hours, and felt like throwing up.

But my mother reports that when I was a baby I wanted to nurse, then I'd arch my back and want to be put down, and I'd fall asleep. So I didn't want or need the comforting touch that my older son did, but I also could not be left to cry, because it just made me feel worse.

I think there are two takeaways here: 1) If your child is as clear about what s/he needs to fall asleep as my son and I were, you're lucky, and 2) If you can get to a place of no expectations, it might be easier and clearer for you.

What I mean by that second one is that we all bring these ideas into parenting about what babies are like, and also what we're going to be like as parents. I thought that babies needed to be comforted to sleep, and I thought of myself as a mother who comforted her baby to sleep. I was really, really, really lucky that my first child fit into my expectations, and that my expectations of myself happened to be exactly what he needed. If I'd had my second first, we'd have been in for months of confusion, disappointment, and feelings of inadequacy.

If you think that babies sleep a certain way, based either on culture or past experience or something you read in a book (please PLEASE either read no sleep books or all of them) or what your mother-in-law says about how your partner slept as a baby or whatever, then if your child doesn't sleep that way, it may take you a long time to be able to identify cues from your child about what s/he needs because you'll be fighting with your expectations. And you also might have to fight with what you think about yourself, and that's pretty much the last thing you need while you're reevaluating your whole life every night at 3 am anyway.

I initially titled this post "Strategies for tension increasers," but the problem is that all babies are different, so the only thing I can tell you definitively about tension increasers is that it won't do anyone any good to let them cry, so just don't bother.

Other than that, allow yourself to trust that your child won't need help going to sleep forever. You know how people talk about kids needing to "learn to fall asleep"? I think some kids not only need to learn, they need a full apprenticeship of years. And that's ok. The ones who do a full apprenticeship seem to get it with a vengeance, and turn into the kids who fall asleep with no fuss and can sleep anywhere as adults.

Parents of tension increasers and adult tension increasers: What worked for you? Were there tips or tricks that you used to get your child to sleep? How long did it take before your child consistently went to sleep easily alone? Feel free to share stories of waking up in a puddle of your own drool on your child's floor next to the crib.

 

 

Comments

[BiteSizeTherapy]

I think Moxie's theory speaks to the different temperaments of children, and that what works for one child doesn't work for another.

The sleep issue is so complex, though. Sometimes, children who are crying a lot before bedtime might be: a) tension increasers, b) overtired, c)trying to get attention, d)all of the above, e) none of the above, and f) who the hell knows?

[Jamie]

Once my firstborn got past the stage of nursing to sleep, I developed a repertoire of just-boring-enough songs and stories. I know (and am not afraid to use) all the verses to the Battle Hymn of the Republic -- nice and drony, and you leave the room singing "Glory, glory, hallelujah!"

When he got a little bigger I would tell in a droning almost-whisper the story of a boy who fought a dragon (that part was short) and then went to a banquet to celebrate. I went on and on about the banquet, course after course after course. And you know, it's fun to hear about a celebration for a boy who killed a dragon, and it's fun to think about all that yummy food, but there's...only...so much...a sleepy boy can take...before he...gives up the...zzzzzzzz

Struggling mightily with my fifth at the moment, who fights sleep SO HARD it's making me crazy, so thanks for the opportunity to share something I did that actually worked. :-)

[Cloud]

Pumpkin, my first, is definitely a tension increaser. One time when she was a baby, I put her down thinking she was asleep and snuck off to go to the bathroom. She woke up and started crying, and by the time I got back to her, she'd worked herself into a hysterical state and thrown up. So I knew right then that CIO methods weren't for us. I didn't see how having a cranky, awake baby and a bunch of vomit was an improvement over having a happy, awake baby.

In her case, I think she really just can't stand to be alone when she's upset. Sometimes, when she wakes up in the night and calls for us, she'll tell us that she's lonely. She started sleeping through the night when she was about 2. We'd finally gotten her attached to a specific lovey. We'd gotten her a big girl bed, which helped- she always hated her crib. She'd completely nightweaned a month or two earlier (and then completely weaned not long after), and once she stopped nursing in the middle of the night, it wasn't too long before she stopped waking up.

BUT- she still needed me, or more precisely, my hair, to fall asleep. Some nights, I'd be in there for an hour. Finally, when she was 3, I managed to change our routine to listen to 4 songs, tell one story, then mommy leaves. That is mostly how things work now- I get called back a few times some nights, but she mostly goes to sleep on her own. She wakes up once in the night sometimes, but she mostly sleeps through. She'll be 4 in April.

I am really glad that I listened to what she needed on the sleep front, because I honestly think we would have had a much harder time if we'd tried to impose our will more forcefully. She is a very stubborn little girl, and can still cry for ages if she wants me and I can't come (if, for instance, I'm getting her sister down for the night and she takes it in her head that she wants Mommy, not Daddy, to give her a bath).

We struggle a bit now with how to handle all out tantrums- she still increases tension, and doesn't really wind down if left to cry. But sometimes, I just can't go to her and comfort her, and if the reason she's screaming is that we've told her that it is Daddy's turn to give her a bath, then me going to her feels like we're rewarding the screaming. We haven't worked out a consistent strategy for those sorts of tantrums yet, but luckily, they don't happen that often.

[Blythe]

Oh goodness, my first was a huge tension increaser - if only I'd read this post then! Seriously, one night when I couldn't take it any more and left him in the crib to cry it out (didn't work), the police actually showed up to check on the screaming. I kid you not.

So, my request, can we talk more about what this means as they grow up? I find, for example, that while I know what to do with him when he's crying, that where it plays out now is in holding grudges. he can work himself up over a slight on the playground and turn it into a giant thing that he can hardly get over, and I'm wondering if talking it out (which is what I would need) is only causing him to get more worked up. (He's 8 now)

Another note, for tantrums walking away helped, whereas with his brother, who I think might be a tension decreaser, walking away from tantrums didn't work. Not sure what that piece of data means...

[Mimi]

What a wonderfully timely post! I was just about to write to you, as I am in the middle of 9 month sleep regression HELL, and I feel like I am about to die.

I think my baby is definitely a tension increaser. I nurse her to sleep (or until drowsy) and she stays asleep for a while - sometimes two hours, sometimes five hours. We've tried sending husby in there to soothe her back down and it works for a moment - back rubbing, etc - but the second he stops, she starts crying again. The only strategy that consistently works is a quick nurse back to sleep. Usually once or maybe twice a night on a "normal" night but since the moment she turned nine months, it could be three, four or five times and at totally random times. Kill me now. I feel terrible because I am the only one that can get up with her and my husband feels terrible because he can't help out or split up the duties!

It seems like all "sleep training" strategies focus on getting your child to sleep in the first place, but that is not really my problem. She will either nurse to sleep or fall asleep after sucking her thumb for a moment. She goes down easily the firs time. It's just the crazy, random wake ups that have me stumped. There is no rhyme or reason to them and no pattern at all. I thought it might all be related to crawling because she's sometimes be up on hands and knees, but other times she's just laying on her back.

Can't wait to hear everyone's comments... I am so far deep into a fog of exhaustion right now it doesn't ever seem like this phase is going to end. :(

[Erin]

My tension increaser is 3.5. As an infant, he would ALWAYS fall asleep nursing. Always. If I let him cry, we were in for a long, long night. Now, at 3.5, if he wakes at night all it takes is laying down beside him until he falls back to sleep (5minutes-ish max). At bedtime, I typically need to rub his back for a couple minutes, then I sit outside his door until he falls asleep.

My increaser will let himself cry and get worked up until he actually vomits. It makes it difficult to hold the line because I KNOW there will be vomit if he gets incredibly upset. Does anyone have any tips on that? (Ped says it is normal, but ugh).

[iris]

My daughter always needs touch to fall asleep and stay asleep. She nursed to sleep until after age 2, and at 3.5, she still needs someone to lie with her until she is asleep. She's never fallen asleep or slept through the night on her own. I don't mind being there as she falls asleep, but she also wakes up OFTEN--like several times a night--and she will only go back to sleep if I go lie next to her or bring her into our bed. If she sleeps with us, she sleeps pretty soundly, If she sleeps in her bed, there are 4-5 wake-ups nightly. You can probably guess where she usually sleeps.

Any ideas for helping a 3 y.o. learn how to get back to sleep on her own? She rarely wakes up fully--just startles a bit and senses that she's alone in bed and cries and cries (with building intensity) until I get there and she's back to sleep in seconds. Will she grow out of this?

[CG]

I think my second is a tension increaser, so I rock him to sleep or hold his hand until he falls asleep. No big deal. But what's stumping me is recently, about an hour after I put him down, he wakes up screaming and then it takes forever to get him back to sleep. If it's the middle of the night, forget it! I just bring him into our bed. Any of you wise mamas want to venture a guess as to what's going on/what I could do?!

[Cloud]

@Mimi- the 9 month sleep regression is born of separation anxiety and it sucks big rocks. She's crying because she's realized that you aren't there and that is freaking her out, so yeah- the only thing that will calm her down is for you to show up. This is a major developmental leap- check out the book called Bedtiming if you want to know more about it.

I've been through this regression twice, with two very different kids (Pumpkin = a crappy sleeper to start with, and a tension increaser who couldn't self-soothe AT ALL, Petunia = a better sleeper, and pretty good at self-soothing), and both times I felt so sleep deprived I thought my brain had turned to fuzz. I never found a magic solution other than time. It does end.

Can you sleep in and/or take naps on the weekends while your husband takes care of the baby? I used to send my husband out for massive long walks with Pumpkin at her nap time. He'd walk for her entire nap (2 hours!) and I'd sleep. That helped a lot. With Petunia, the long walks weren't really an option, because she and her sister were on different nap schedules. So I just got to sleep in on the weekends, and that helped, too. Hubby would grumble a bit about how he never got to sleep in, but then I'd tell him how many times I was up in the night, and he'd shut up.

With Petunia, this time period is also when we started partial night cosleeping (we bring her into bed with us after her first wake up), and that helped a lot, because (1) she woke up less because I was right there next to her and (2) I could go back to sleep easier after nursing if I hadn't had to get out of bed, walk down the hall, nurse, and get her back down. I just sat up, nursed, and then snuggled back in with Petunia. We tried nursing laying down, but she swallowed more air and it gave her gas, so I stopped that. I fought the idea of cosleeping with Pumpkin, and didn't start the partial night thing until the 18 month regression. I regret that- I think I would have gotten a lot more sleep if I'd brought her into bed with us.

The other thing you might do is more to help with the next regression- after this one ends, you could try establishing your husband's baby soothing routines during a "good" sleep period. That may increase the odds that she'll accept him the next time a regression hits. Or it may not, but at least you'll get a bit of a break during the good periods!

Hang in there. You'll get through this.

[paola]

DD, 4 tomorrow, is your classic tension releaser, or at least was until she was round 3(?). She doesn't cry to fall asleep anymore but I have found that if she has a little cry around bed time, for an unrelated reason, she will drop off without any fuss. As far as sleep goes now, I put her (and her brother) to bed and leave her, but she might fool around a bit in her own bed or with her toys in her room and when she is ready she'll go back to bed and fall asleep herseelf.

A long time coming seeing she was waking even up to 8 times(!) until she was 3. Then at 3.25 there was nother sleep hiccup which lasted 3 months. Amazingly, things sorted out at 3.5.

I remember when she was 19 months we flew to Australia from Europe and she was all over the place because her usual routine was out the window and she was exhausted. I would nurse her to sleep, but she couldn't actually let her self go completely because she needed to cry and you can't let a kid cry in the middle of the night on a plane when everyone else is snoozing. It was awful. Everytime she woke up, which was constantly, I'd have to put her back on the breast and the time I didn't she would thru a freaking mental!! We both needed a damn good cry.

[paola]

Oh gosh, sorry guys!! please disregard my previous post. Obviously can'ìt read today.

[LikesLies]

@Mimi, my 2nd kid did just what you described. Fell asleep pretty well, but started waking up in the night. The pediatrician recommended that we take her outside and let her get a lot of sun (may be really hard right now depending on where you live.) It seemed to help some, as did playing hard with other kids.

[Carrie]

I am so glad I found your posts, even though it was a couple of years too late for my first. I didn't like the idea of crying it out and it was obvious that crying it out didn't work for my son, but people treated me like I was stupid for not just forcing it. When I did force it, it was such a horrible experience.

Anyway, my son stopped all the screaming when we dropped his last nap when he turned two. He would be so tired at night that he would fall asleep. I think he just doesn't need as much sleep as other people.

When did he start going to sleep alone? On his fifth birthday we started leaving him along in his bed, awake. We'll tell him "I'll come check on you in ten minutes." and he doesn't like it, but he is almost always asleep when we come back in the room. I think he falls asleep easier when we aren't in the room because there is nothing to distract him. He talks constantly so with no one there to talk to it gets boring.

My daughter on the other hand. What a different child! She's 8 months and had her first real crying jag yesterday. Seriously. It lasted almost 30 minutes and is totally related to teething. When I was pregnant with her and people kept telling me that she might not be a screamer I couldn't even imagine. My son would cry for hours on end. It is such a joy and relief to have a happy baby who loves sleep.

[Kathleen (amoment2think)]

Moxie. I love you. You have no idea how much this concept of tension increasers/decreasers has impact my thoughts on babies and sleep. It is brilliant and really hits home that point that we need to do what works for our child.

Also, I very helpful timely post as I just wrote a post today on my blog that referenced this very concept.

[EXHAUSTED]

This is interesting stuff, and I wish I would have considered the whole "tension releaser v. increaser" theory when I had #1, who was colicky and just generally miserable for an entire year.

But #2 stumps me.

He started out needing to be nursed to calm down, whether he was tired, or sick, or just mad.

Then, around 8 months, he really responded well to CIO, which has led him to be super-easy to put down at night (no nursing, no touch). But he has awakened between 3 and 4:30 am every day for the last SIX MONTHS and is almost impossible to get back down at this point. We have tried CIO, moving his bedtime earlier, moving his bedtime later, consolidating naps, no more nursing until 5 am, no getting out of the crib until 5, etc. etc. NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK. And he's almost 14 months. Sleeps like a champ until he turns into a rooster at his appointed time. WTF? Is he morphing from a releaser into a slowly-kill-Mom-and-Dad-torturer?

Sigh. Any suggestions would be really, REALLY welcomed.

[ASMO]

Re the 3.5 year old who won't stay asleep in her own bed: Miss C needs to hold my hand (and no-one else's) for 5 minutes until she falls asleep, and then used to wake every night and take easily 1.5 hour with me in her room before falling asleep again (she has never slept in our bed, of her own choice and we haven't encouraged it). But I got so exhausted from those nights that we started putting a make-shift mattress on the floor in our room, and when she wakes at night, we take her duvet, her pillow and her water (replaces the constant 'i need water' night-time demands) and she sleeps the rest of the night there. We've been doing this for some months, and haven't mentionned that she should stay in her own room. Then I mentionned casually one day that if she did sleep all night in her own room until we got up, she would get a little treat (2 M&Ms...), it suddenly became interesting and something to strive for. She now manages it approx 4 nights a week and we all sleep much better. Long drawn solution, long drawn answer and off-topic, sorry. If your little one is used to sleeping in your bed, the first step would be to incentivise the move to the make-shift mattress, I guess. Good luck! As Moxie once said to me 'This too shall pass'. Best advice I ever got. PS: Miss C is definitely a tension increaser.

[SarcastiCarrie]

To drive home the point about all kids are different: I have Chuckles (now aged 5.5). He was neither. We was neutral on the crying. I

f he woke in the night, I could leave him to cry and he wouldn't get any louder, more furious, more upset, but he also wouldn't stop. He would cry for 45 seconds, stop for 5 minutes (I would fall back asleep), then cry for 45 seconds (waking me since our house is small), sleep for 5 minutes. I let this go on for 3 hours one night. Basically, I didn't sleep that whole time. So, I went in there and nursed and then we all slept for 4 or 6 hours. That drove home the point to me that all babies are different and all sleep strategies work for some kids.

(As for Chuckles, whenever he would wake up crying in the night (and it had been 3 or more hours), I would promptly respond and nurse him since we all would maximize our sleep that way.)

[Bird]

Perfect timing on this post, I had been kicking around the idea of writing you about the tension increaser/decreaser thing, because mine doesn't seem to be either - so I will benefit from today's comments as well as tomorrow's!

He is 5.5 months, and if I let him cry for any extended period of time he'll get pretty pissed but it won't take me any longer to calm him down that if I went to him straight away. If he's in the swing he can often go back to sleep after 5 or 10 minutes of crying but it doesn't really work if he's in his crib (or maybe I've just never been brave enough to try).

Also, the whole if he goes to sleep on his own he'll sleep better/longer? Thus far, so not true for my rooster. Seems like the more comatose he is when I set him down, the longer he'll sleep.

[Moxie]

BIteSizedTherapy, I'm really talking about crying vs. not WHILE FALLING ASLEEP. Not just around bedtime. There are too many variables about that, you're right. But if you've had a kid who absolutely couldn't cry to fall asleep or one who HAD to cry to fall asleep, my theory makes a lot of sense to you. If yours isn't one or the other, then don't worry about it.

Erin, I'm not sure what you mean about "holding the line" until she vomits. What situations are you in in which she has to cry that long and there's not a way around the situation?

Blythe. Holy crap. Grudge. Let me think about this, because it's me, too.

[sarah]

I too have a tension increaser and the only way I knew what to do was Moxie. Thank you.

As an infant, he needed to nurse to go to sleep. He never ever fell asleep in a stroller or carseat -- both upset him furiously. And he was a "cry until I can't breathe or I vomit" kid from infancy. It sucked hard.

I knew he was a tension increaser because when he cried and I couldn't fix it (ie while I was driving even a short distance), he would cry until he struggled to breathe or vomited. If he threw up, he'd keep crying. Only being soothed by me or nursed calmed him down. I knew then that CIO was not going to ever work for him.

As for night time sleep, he nursed to sleep for a long long time. It was easy and fast and I couldn't think of one reason why someone would NOT do it. He woke up fairly often at night beginning at 4 months and that regression basically didn't end until he was a year old. The whole thing coincided with my return to work, the start of reverse cycling on his part, cold season (which hit us hard that year), and the never ending sleep regression. He woke up as often as every 30 minutes and never slept longer than 90 minutes at night for about 8 months. I hated the idea of co-sleeping or sleeping apart from my husband but it's the only way we survived for that whole first year and beyond. It was so horrid that I swore I would never have another child.

Once he hit a year, it got more difficult to put him to sleep (nursing stopped working as well), and our whole bedtime routine got more complex and frustrating for me. We've tried lots of things. For a while, earlier (like much earlier) bedtime worked well but it had to be timed perfectly to a 90 minute cycle -- he would fall asleep after he'd been awake for 90 minutes but not if he'd been awake for 115 minutes. Gah. He still woke up often and needed me to nurse him back to sleep.

Crying or fussing has never been something we can ignore from him without consequences. It amps him up and he needs help to come down. We started teaching him to take deep breaths mid cry and that helps. We started it about a year ago and yesterday he used it without reminding at preschool drop off.

As for amount of sleep and how he gets it, my increaser also seems to need less of it than other kids. He's 2.5 years old and if he takes a nap longer than 45 minutes, he can NOT fall asleep at a reasonable hour (before 9:30) at night. He needs about 11 hours of sleep and I'd prefer he get them at night rather than during the day. I WOH and all three of us need to be up and out of the house 3 days a week by 8 am. If he doesn't fall asleep until 10 pm, I'm up later than I'd like, am tired, etc and he's a bear to wake in the morning. It seems crazy but I need him to drop his nap. My mom, who takes care of him while we work, loves his nap as it gives her a break. But it ruins my whole day. And it's not like I can leave him in his room to go to sleep on his own while i go to bed. I have to lie with him until he is sound asleep.

[Johanna]

This is all SO helpful to me since we are having a lot of related trouble with our 5 month old. Here's a question, if anyone has a second to answer it:

How does co-sleeping work, exactly? I have a queen sized bed that comfortable sleeps myself and my husband. Often after the 4-5am feeding I will bring the baby into bed with us because he has a hard time falling asleep after that feeding, but I end up curled around him or lying in as straight a line as possible next to him with much thought given to placement of covers/blankets. This all results in interrupted sleep that is better than *no* sleep but not at all deep sleep. So how on earth would I do this ALL NIGHT?

The baby has allergy issues that we're trying to work out and that is contributing to poor sleep. I don't see his sleep issues resolving anytime soon so I am toying with the idea of full-night co-sleeping. But the logistics are fuzzy.

Help?

[dagmar]

My older one (now 3.5) was definitely a tension increaser. This was the kid who would cry for 6 hours straight if we let him (trying to let him 'go back to sleep'). Still now, during some of his developmental changes, when he has a tantrum, he can go into his room, cry and scream and maybe slow down, but ramp right up again when he remembers he was upset. (sigh). Our youngest (almost 9 weeks) is a bit more mellow... so far she seems to be a tension decreaser (thank GOODNESS). I'll let y'all know when that 9 month sleep regression hits. :-)

[Cloud]

@Johanna, I'm no help with a baby that young, I'm afraid. Until 6 months, my kids slept in a moses basket or a cosleeper next to out bed. We have a queen size bed, too.

When we brought Petunia into bed with us at about 9 months, she was big enough that we didn't have to worry quite so much about the blankets- although, since she is wearing a sleep sack, she generally doesn't want more blankets on her.

Pumpkin was a restless sleeper, so successful cosleeping with her required settling her into solid sleep BEFORE laying down with her. She used my hair as a lovey, so I'd turn my back to her and that helped.

Petunia likes to snuggle in close for a minute or two, then she rolls away. If she is having a particularly restless night, I'll kick Hubby out to the guest room or living room sofa (hey, it is actually really comfy). I say it is for his benefit, but really, I just want the extra space.

I'm not sure that was much help. Hopefully someone with more cosleeping knowledge will chime in!

[Bird]

@Johanna - IMHO, as big as a queen seems, it isn't quite big enough for 2 adults and a baby once baby is older than say six weeks. DH and I are average sized (not big, not little) and I know exactly what you are talking about. (One night, I finally nursed the baby to sleep but forgot to leave room for myself, so DH slept in his spot, baby slept in my spot, and I slept at the foot of the bed a la the family dog - no kidding.)

At first we were totally resistant to DH and I not sleeping in the same bed. Then we were just tired. Our temporary solution was DH on an air mattress in the living room, until last week when we caved and bought a full sized bed for the nursery. (He'll need a big boy bed some day anyway.) So once I get tired of putting DS back to bed I sleep with him in his room and DH sleeps alone in our bed. (Alternatively we could have gotten a king for our room but our queen is a perfectly good mattress and we didn't really have the room anyway.)

Regarding blankets: what works best for me is to just have a twin sized comforter and no top sheet or blanket. The comforter is fluffy but not particularly heavy. Since nothing is tucked in anywhere it's a lot easier to rearrange blankets when you have to switch sides. I just pull the corner up over my shoulder so it keeps me warm but can't get in DS's face. Also, a pillow to put behind your back helps a ton in staying comfortable.

[Wilhelmina]

Like @Blythe I also met the nice police when I took the excellent advice from my health visitor to put DD in her nice safe cot( crib) and take ten minutes out at night.

I've also seen neighbours and the security guard on the development. We do have very thin walls. But her crying would make my ears ring for ages after such scenes.

We've been seen out of stores by security guards too during very bad tantrums between 14- 22 months. Once DD gets upset she's like a kettle. The pressure increases, and once it discharges it's like boiling water spraying everywhere.

DD has a voice of operatic quality and is now nearly three minus one week. She co-sleeps and she does not fall asleep alone. The co-sleeping is a needs/must to get sleep for the parents, not a parenting belief.

My DH, whom she so strongly resembles, doesn't release tension either. If you do the talk the resentment thing over, whatever the occasion, he starts obsessively winding himself up.

Can't sleep etc. Can keep a grudge for decades. Like his mama. Whom he strongly resembles.

She was called The Tank as she rolled over the opposition to her enormously strong will.

I can cry anyone a river and feel better for it. DD can talk now and understand more, but she deals with issues by avoiding them. If daddy's away, and that was the cause of those nights and tantrums often, talking about daddy makes it much worse.

If she cries I hold her and comfort her but don't talk and then distract her with a new activity once she's calmed down enough. She's still energised then, but doing a jigsaw puzzle or drawing relaxes. So does chocolate.Change of scene.

The police,neighbours and security guy also were sensational distractions. DD cheered up straightaway.

Distraction is also the best way I've found of avoiding melt-downs.Better to walk her around the block than try to talk things over.Emergency supply of dark chocolate always on hand.

At night I just do the comforting and holding thing so she can get back to sleep eventually.

Because I hold her that much I can absolutely hear her heart race faster and faster and her tension rise as the crying progresses.

The thing is that DD deals well with a lot of stuff that upsets other tots. She's generally calm and can really concentrate for ages. She's not frustrated by things she cannot do technically, she has another go until she cracks it.

She's equally very tolerant of things going wrong or mummy messing up as long as she feels in control of herself and her situation. Which is also why distraction and changing the situation works.

She's doing much better now she has more understanding and can express herself more as she's grown older. But once she feels out of control she goes out of control inside. Truthfully I am glad that 8-22 months is over in terms of nights and tantrums.

[Charisse]

@Blythe, OMG. Grudges. I have a 6 1/2 year old who was definitely a tension increaser. Also a refuse-to-accept-second-bester to the Nth degree (no bottle, no paci, no thumb, no nuthin but mama...but a toddler style sippy cup worked for her at 6 months because it was DIFFERENT). Anyway, she still prefers to have somebody hang with her while she falls asleep, though at this point it's a preference not a need. We usually indulge it, though I'm thinking the next step now that she's reading well is to transition her to the big kid "you can read for a 1/2 hour if you're in bed on time" thing. When she was around 3 or 4, the deal was that all her questions had to get answered or she simply wouldn't go to sleep, and I'm talking 1 in the morning not having gone to sleep at all, so we just did what she needed and answered them. It worked but it was a PITA, unless you contrast it with having a pissed off and very headstrong 3-year-old up until 1AM.

BUT, grudges, she holds them. And slights, she takes to heart. She seems to be pretty sure that people's social behavior is really intentional and that things that hurt her feelings are meant to. Time-out is both highly effective in that she'll remember one for months and a total nightmare to use as it's good for an hour of upset. Screaming is much less of a problem than it used to be, but explaining over and over that "mommy, that really hurt my feelings when you told me that was rude. I didn't know it before so it wasn't fair that you said that" when she is corrected (gently, I assure you) happens all the time. I have so not solved this, although I'm working on "sometimes you just have to take your lumps and move on", which she seems much more able to do in a school context than at home. And I'm trying to help her to the next level of empathy - in general, she's quite able to imagine the feelings of others and be careful not to hurt them, but I think that intensifies her sense that if they say something that hurts her it must be on purpose.

Good deal of perfectionism in her makeup as well (she comes by it honestly) so one thing we have been working on there is getting the word "yet" into her mindset when she gets frustrated (her "but I CAN'T draw a good horsey"; us: "yet - if you keep practicing you'll get better at it") and rewarding her for persistence. Telling her the horsey is good enough now just makes her think we're idiots.

Anybody else with a school-age or older one of these, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts!

[joan]

Thanks to everyone for such helpful information. I have a 12 month old who was so terrible during his 8-9 month sleep regression that I don't think I would have made it through without this website and knowing that it was just a phase.

Now a question...I would really love to help him learn how to fall asleep in his crib. I'm still nursing him, but unfortunately he almost never falls asleep nursing (I wish - That seems like it would be so much easier!) When he wakes at night, I nurse him, and then rock him to sleep. He actually prefers me to stand up and walk with him to fall asleep, but he's a heavy 12 month old now & rocking will have to do. He typically falls asleep pretty easily while rocking, but somewhat often no matter how long I hold him before putting him into his crib, he wakes up as soon as I try to put him down. I've spent plenty of nights holding him in the rocking chair almost all night long. My savior is that if that happens, I put him in his carseat, set the carseat on our glider, and rock him until he falls asleep. Then I can put his carseat on the ground & since there's no transfer he stays asleep. Once he's asleep either in his crib or his carseat he sleeps well & has lately only been waking once per night. Since he sleeps well in his crib once he's there, I feel like if I could just get him to fall asleep there it would be fantastic - No transfer to the crib needed. He's definitely a tension increaser though, so I'm not sure how to accomplish this. But I also feel like I need to try something because he's going to grow out of his infant carseat in the near future & I really can't function if I end up holding him in my arms in the rocking chair all night. If sleeping with me would work, I'd do it in a second but it doesn't. Ideas?

[Cloud]

@Charisse, I think I should cut and paste that comment about adding "yet" and save it for when Pumpkin gets a little older. That is genius.

And I'm sorry, but her comment about how she didn't know something was rude before is priceless. I don't think I could keep a straight face if my daughter told me that. Your little girl rocks. But you already knew that.

Obviously, my tension increaser isn't to this stage yet. But I can tell you one thing that helped me with my perfectionism was to have one thing I was pretty good at but that I didn't have to be great at- that in fact, I knew I was never going to be great at. For me, it was music. I don't know when I started using it this way, but by the time I was in college it was pretty clear that this is why music was so valuable for me.

[paola]

@Erin

You just reminded me that if my 4 yo. tension releaser actually goes to bed crying hysterically, will continue to wake up constantly for cuddles. In fact, if hubby and her have a run in (which is usually the cause of the tears), I have to go there and calm her down otherwise she will have a bad night. Does that make her a tension increaser, or a tension releaser with a twist, or just an individual?

@ASMO

3.5y.o was when we also brought in rewards for nights slept in own bed. In our case tokens for rides at the supermarket ( 10c a ride). DD went frpm multiple wakings (6-8 times a night), to ZERO!! Eventually we did away with the tokesn because she stopped waking up at night. Don't know if her sleep would have sorted itself out anywya, or the tokens actually worked ( she would do anythign for a go on those damned supermarket rides), but whatever it was her sleep improved a trillion percent.

[Charisse]

@Cloud, well Mouse is starting piano tomorrow, at her request! maybe it will work for her in the same way. :)

@sarah, btw, didn't see you before but Mouse was(is) like this as well - low sleep need in general and capable of oversleep. The way I thought about it was that she had to be up a minimum of X hours before she could sleep again, and so an extra nap could really foul things up, because she did need her night sleep (or her afternoon nap when we were going 2->1). We had a devil of a time convincing caregivers that a 2 or 3 year old who was tired enough to go down for a nap with encouragement (often *because* being up late had prevented her getting enough night sleep) would do better if she powered through. But we eventually did convince them, and life got much much better. Try and make it happen if you can - it sounds like your instincts are right on for your child.

[JCF]

My oldest son (now 3) was a major tension increaser as a baby. I had a really difficult time emotionally dealing with his sleep issues when he was an infant, because I had quite a few friends with babies the same age who let their kids cry for 10 minutes, and they slept through the night. We tried CIO, and it was terrible. My son cried for over an hour before we'd give up, and it never got better at the end of a week. We gave up at that point, because my son was noticeably clingy and upset during the day, and I was a wreck as well. I still feel guilty when I think about that. He finally started sleeping through the night at 13 months, and is a great sleeper at this point.

My second startled me at the age of 2 weeks by falling asleep on her own once when I set her down to go throw out a dirty diaper. She's always fallen asleep without much fuss. Now at age 2, she's recently turned into a veritable acrobat and comedian at bedtime, taking nearly 2 hours to fall asleep at night. But I guess that's another story...

[Sharon @proactiveparenting]

WOW, what a great topic. I hope every mom who has a young child reads this.

I agree with Moxie, what else is new!
Every child, and every parent, is different. Labels are useless. Applying what you've learned from your first child is not necessarily going to mean it will work with your second child.
So where does this leave parents?

I believe it leaves us with one thing, and one thing only, our intuition.

Our knowingness of ourselves, and our understanding of what the clues are that our child is sending is all we really have. I believe that parenting is as much of a growth moment for parents as it is for children. I believe parenting is structured to increase our awareness as we raise our children.

This is the direction I began my 12 week blog series with yesterday, www.proactiveparentingblog.com. Sorry for the shameless plug, but a girl has to start somewhere!

I believe parenting is about asking yourself what does the baby/child want?
Why am I resisting what the baby/child wants and needs?
What are my thoughts about the type of parenting I'm choosing to do?
Is my understanding of the parenting I want to do in conflict with the needs my child is having right now?

If you ask yourself questions like that, IMHO, it's the best place to begin. By asking questions like that you begin to exercise the parenting muscle, the intuition.

If you don't exercise that muscle you, most likely, will come to a point when you feel alone, without answers and are upset/frustrated that your child keeps demanding that you address a situation you don't feel prepared for.

That's my 2 cents, cause Moxie, as usual, nailed it.

[Barb @ getupandplay]

My son is totally a vomiter. He'd cry until he'd throw up, every time. So CIO wasn't working for us at all. The thing that really worked for me was just getting myself to a zen place. I'd be in nursing him back to sleep every 45 minutes some nights but I just tried to be calm and peaceful about it (for my own sanity) and eventually he grew out of that stage.

@Johanna, we co-slept with our son until he was 10 months old. We have a king size bed which helps a lot. My husband also sleeps right on the edge of the bed (he always has), leaving lots of room for me and the baby (and we each have our own covers). We swaddled the babe so he didn't really move too much (he was swaddled until 10 months, yup). I would scoot over to him to nurse, then scoot back to my side so I didn't have to move him or be too confined by the baby thisclose to me all night. It did take me a few nights (maybe a week?) to finally get good sleep and get used to sleeping in a new position.

[Jen]

Oh, crap. Now I feel awful because I was the one who mentioned ankle surgery. I'm sorry! There were lots of other factors! Really! You don't need surgery!

[mom2boy]

"Telling her the horsey is good enough now just makes her think we're idiots."

Off-topic but I see this developing with my three year old who was practicing his T's and none of them were exactly right and he gave me what could really only be described as a withering look when I tried to tell him they were indeed good T's.

On-topic - he was a tension increaser. Tried very, very unsuccessfully CIO at various stages until I just accepted his sleep needs included me on his terms. Things improved dramatically. Still needs me next to him to fall asleep at night. Needs me to get back to sleep if he wakes during the night and his preference is to have me sleep next to him all night. Never took a pacifier or sucked his thumb. And bed time is much better if he hasn't had a nap during the day. But until he turned two I thought I was destined to live a life of sleep deprivation forever. Those were some dark days.

[Shandra]

@Blythe - wow, we have the same kid only mine is 5. He will suddenly stop wanting to go to school and only after several days will the story come out of some event that is large in his heart and tiny in the world.

He's also a tension increaser. We left him to cry once or twice as an experiment and each time he escalated to hysteria and threw up within 20 min, and was up all night and then clingy the next day. So yeah, no.

So these are things that worked at various stages:
- nursing
- rocking/walking
- in the absolute insanity-making periods I would put him in the Ergo and walk OUTSIDE until he fell asleep. The walking and wearing were for him, the outside was so I didn't kill anyone. This included 2 am, which was really oddly peaceful and I still have memories of him breathing on me while I watched the stars over the lake.
- then we transitioned to lying down together for like...an hour
...45 min
...20 min

Now he's 5 and although he can and has put himself to bed, I mostly still lie down with him for a few minutes. We have a cosy chat, say our ritual good night, and he rolls over and falls asleep. I actually have to admit I have come to cherish that time with him very much and plan to hand the baby over at that hour to my DH (when baby comes) so I can keep at it.

It is the most likely hour for him to share anything emotional like...the grudges.

He also is a waker-upper at night. I think he's probably slept through the night without any waking whatsoever...25 times in 5 years.

After he turned one, he was up every 2 hours like clockwork until we started cosleeping at 14 months in sheer desperation, which we hadn't done in the same space before (we had a co-sleeper and then a crib across our room, which is small).

So he would get up in the night and play then, but we'd sort of rub his back or nurse or later give him some water and get him back down.

After he transitioned to his own bed (sorta) we just taught him to come to our room and snuggle in and go back to sleep rather than waking up and going to play. So he does. Although then sometimes he wakes up again and goes back the other way.

[Camilla]

I've got one of each, and I just got a really hard sell yesterday from a pediatric nurse (at our 15 month checkup) to forcibly night-wean our tension increaser. (On the theory that excessive breastfeeding is suppressing his appetite for solids and responsible for insufficient weight gain.) I had decided by this morning that I was going to ignore the advice.

We actually both sleep reasonably well. I'd like him weaned and out of my bed, but most nights I nurse him once or twice without really waking up, and then roll over with my back to him. Some of the stories here make me think I should be glad for what I have, and avoid shaking it up.

[Emily]

After watching how my oldest reacted to bedtime routines, I've become a firm believer in doing almost anything to help a kid get to sleep. We started out nursing to sleep. When she was about 17 months old, it stopped working, so we stopped nursing. Then I stayed by her bed until she fell asleep until she was about 3. Then one night, I told her that grownups often read before bed, and let her bring books into her room and look at them while I did things in the living room. She was fine and has been ever since.

My son (22 months) currently lays in our bed until he falls asleep, and then I move him. When we move him from a crib to a bed, I'll let him read books and see if it works. If not, I'll stay with him until he's ready. I've decided not to worry about it.

[Kim]

#1 was definitely a tension increaser. We tried CIO a couple of times and it was painful and did not work. As other people commented, there were people who would suggest that I was at fault for not giving it more time to work.

At ten weeks she slept through the night, but the key for her was to cosleep. I kept that secret for a long time and, truth be told, felt like a total failure of a Mother because my daughter could not go to sleep on her own and coslept. Silly when I think about it, but such a large part of our society and the literature out there suggests that ALL babies are able to fall to sleep on their own and sleep through the night by a certain age and, for the most part, most seem to indicate that some degree CIO is the way to achieve this 'ideal.'

She's three now and she still pretty much needs somebody (usually me - her hostage) to be with her at night until she is sleeping. She is better now if she wakes up and I am not in there. She finally started to go down for nap alone, but looks like she is ready to stop napping, so oh well!

I have given up allowing my self esteem to be attached to how well my children sleep (or eat for that matter, because I have learned that I cannot force them to do either, no matter what the experts say.).

My second, now 16 months, I do believe is a tension releaser but, ironically, has probably been prevented, until recently, from doing so because of the trauma I experienced with #1! But I put him down for nap, he screams for a couple of minutes and then is out. He did recently wean by his own choice, so that switched everything up a bit. But something tells me that period between about 4 and 12 months where he was up every hour might have been different if I hadn't been so scared to try letting him cry just enough to see!

[ARC]

@Camilla - My babe lost weight between her 12 and 15 month checkups, and I'm nearly certain it's *because* she weaned. It is a struggle to get her to eat enough high calorie foods, partly because she's allergic to dairy and soy milk doesn't have enough fat in it. But we are worried about the weight thing, and I sort of wish I hadn't weaned at 14mo.

[Cloud]

@Camilla, for what it is worth, I think you got awful advice from that nurse. My first is thin- she's always been at 15th percentile for weight or less (but average height). She is also a super picky eater and was slow to take to finger foods. I kept pumping at work until she was almost 18 months old because at least she got some nutrition from breast milk, even if she wouldn't eat the lunch or snacks I sent to day care. My doctor was thrilled that I was willing to do that.

I doubt nightweaning would increase your baby's food intake.

[Tina]

Your post is so timely I could cry. Our little S is almost 15 months old and never slept a whole night through yet. For the past month, she's been waking every 3 hours, demanding the boob, and on the few occasions I'd had enough and said "no, go to sleep" she cried for THREE SOLID HOURS with no let up. I finally gave in and boobed her, and she settled but tossed and turned for another hour.

We're off to see the ped tomorrow (for her chronic constipation--Ugh!) and I'm so at my wits' end that I was going to ask him how to CIO (because he mentions it every visit). Because I'm just so up to here with sleep, and tired of being tired, and frustrated at this kid who won't sleep.

But she's a tension increaser, alright. That kid will scream and scream and scream... I've been wondering how in the world CIO could possibly work.

Honestly, I'm just so tired of feeling like a lousy Mom and feeling so guilty about getting mad at baby in the middle of the night. I also feel like a broken record!

[Erin]

I love this conversation so much I almost wish I had a tension-increaser! I don't actually know what #2 is because we've never let him cry for more than five seconds because our house is so tiny he will instantly wake up his brother which will make us all want to die/kill each other. I doubt he is (a tension increaser) because he HAS cried in the car and can eventually get himself calmed down/asleep without vomiting, etc.

BUT @ Johanna: we've always had queen sized beds and not found it a problem with co-sleeping, either with a small baby or our larger one. It may help that we're smallish, but mostly we sleep with the baby tucked in the corner of our arm (head at the shoulder, basically sleeping on his side). It's a similar position to what you would take if you were side-nursing, with less contortion, and I can sleep with baby like this on my back or on my side. My arm is usually supported in this position by a pillow. In any event, it also solves the covers/blanket/duvet issue because the baby isn't moving around in the bed, but rather tucked up under the blanket with me, in a way that's easy for me to control. I don't sleep fantastically like this, or for all night, but it works for short periods of time, enough for us to get more sleep.

[Tina]

Forgot to mention--we have a good bed routine (bath, book, boob and rocking) and now that she's down to one nap, she's usually out at night in 10 minutes. So... I guess I should count myself lucky. Hubby used to be able to put her down, but it's all Mama all the time these days. I'm thinking teething, constipation, learning to walk, and talking up a storm may also be culprits...

[Minty]

OK I'm not sure if I have an increaser or decreaser because my 11 month old shows signs of both!

Eg. Wouldn't go to sleep at night. Tried nursing, rocking, singing, walking. Finally we put her in the crib and walked out of the room, had to let her scream because after 2 hrs we were exhausted. And she screamed, but it started winding down and she knocked out. Took about 10 mins total. This happened again at naptime the next day - tried nursing her to sleep, no dice, I put her in the crib, took a shower, by the time I was done she was out and slept for 2 hrs! She also screamed herself to sleep in her stroller once (I couldn't really stop anywhere as I was in a residential area). So tension decreaser, right?

Well fast forward to a few nights later, and we try the same trick, and nope...escalating screams, sobbing so hard she's hiccuping. Only nursing calmed her down and once she was calm I was able to put her in her crib. And consistantly in the middle of the night (yes, still waking at least once and more often twice at night) even though our doctor said "Ignore her at night and she'll get the message" she just cries and cries and it escalates if I don't go in there. I go into her room, give her a quick nurse, put her back in the crib awake and she goes to sleep. The whole thing takes about 20 - 30 mins.

And then today, at naptime, I tried the leaving her in her crib trick again and she screamed and screamed and screamed and after 30 minutes was still freaking out so I gave up. No nap today then.

So I don't know what to do since I can't seem to employ a strategy because I don't know what it's going to be. Is it possible to have a kid that flip flops between increasing and decreasing?

[the milliner]

Our one and only (2.5) is definitely a tension increaser. Instinctually I figured it out pretty early on. But it was coming here that re-confirmed it to me when outsiders were saying to let him cry, he'd sleep through the night, etc. Ugh.

That being said, I think it's a moving target with DS. How I need to intervene has definitely changed with age as well as changing with the amount of experience he has with a situation or what developmental stage he's in.

When he was an infant & baby under 1, I definitely found that if I got to him right away, we could avoid a major meltdown. It was just so much easier to soothe him if we didn't delay. Of course you get the 'oh, he's just testing you, blah blah blah'. But I knew the quick intervention was what he needed. As he got older and more secure, we could increase this time.

He has always (and still is) nursed before bedtime. Under 1 (approx) I nursed him to sleep. As in, nurse and rock until he (hopefully) was in a deep enough sleep so I could transfer him to his crib, and then to sneak out of the room and try not to make a sound. And sometime between 1 and 2.5 (prob. after 18 months), I could nurse him before bed, but put him in awake. Any time he was in a separation anxiety phase or going through some big leap, there would need to be more nursing, otherwise major increasing tension crying.

We sleep trained using a modified CIO method for the first time around 22 months. I still think we had/have a tension increaser. It's just that I could tell that he was ready to move on to less intervention (i.e. less nursing etc.) for falling to sleep. Essentially, I felt like he needed someone to come to him when he woke up. But, that after that check, I told him I would leave him alone for 10 minutes to try to fall back asleep on his own. And if he couldn't fall back asleep in that time period, I would come in and check on him again. At first he cried for 7 minutes, but he did fall asleep afterward. Every time he woke in the night, I went in, checked and then left him to get back to sleep. I waited on the stairs just outside his room. And within 3 days the length of crying steadily decreased from 7 minutes to nothing. The interesting thing was that when he cried in these circumstances, I could tell it was an angry cry, not a fearful or upset cry, if that makes any sense. It just sounded and felt different.

That was good and well and lasted until about 26 months when it went out the window. DS entered a crazy nursing phase (hours non-stop) at bedtime and anytime he woke up in the night. That was really not a good two weeks. I almost lost my mind. But then, it eased. And interestingly enough, he needed to have someone there with him to fall asleep. If I tried the old modified CIO method, he really freaked and would cry for way past the 10 minutes and increasing tension on the way. Going back in to check on him after 10 minutes made things worse. I finally just stayed with him. For a few weeks I had to stay for close to an hour. I eventually worked my way to where we are now at 2.5 which is that I put him down awake/semi-awake after nursing and rub his back once and tell him that I won't be far. Just this reassurance that I am not far seems to work, and he goes to sleep on his own. He's still night waking and I'll try to night wean again when I'm totally recovered from the flu.

I guess with my long rambling, all I can say is that it's a see saw for us ( the amount of intervention required to assure tension-increasing DS), but we're slowly moving forward to needing less intervention, even if it's in kind of a two-steps-forward-one-step-back kind of way.

On my most exhausted nights I fall asleep with DS in the rocking chair, for the middle of the night wakings. It's much less now, so not to worry for all of you going through the sleep regression phases. Things do change even if some of the parameters are still the same.

[JMom]

Some thoughts to share on this:
- Baby 3 never slept, I swear, for more than 30 minutes ever until 16 months. Then he started sleeping right through the night. Honestly it happened one night and we really never looked back (he is 4 now). Or maybe I was such a wreck by then that I'm not remembering it right. :-) We think it's because he was finally old enough to understand that that's what we wanted him to do - we are the old hippy parents who just would not CIO or force anything. We kept talking to him about sleeping and asking him to please sleep all night and offering suggestions about what he should do when he woke up when it was still dark.
- Notwithstanding the above, I did halfheartedly sort of try CIO once early on. I think he's in the tension increaser category.
- Pediatrician once told me to just let him cry and that the record in his practice was 8 hours. Yeah, we ignored that and suffered on.
- Dear mothers who are suffering sleep deprivation now: it will get better. It really will. Hang in there.

[G's Mum]

No time to read comments as tension increaser as just started to wail, but Moxie, I love you. You are so right. Babies are people too.

[Lizzie]

I love this post! It's so important for every Mom to realize that children are different. What works for your child may or may not work for mine. And vice versa. I particularly find this issue about crying it out to be important in the adoption community. Every single book I read about attatchment swore that I would be scarring her for life if I did it. But after learning who she was, I knew that it was what worked for her. I never let her cry more than 5 minutes, and I always went back in (because in my mind, that was the important thing to teach her, not that we would never leave, but that we would always come back). She would always fall asleep. I stopped telling my friends in the adoption community, because of the judgment.
She has never been a perfect sleeper, she woke up several times a night even until she was four, but even now, she insists on going to sleep by herself. It's who she is.

[Jennifer]

Thanks, y'all - I love this discussion.
I have a 2.5 y.o. son who is a tension increaser, for sure. Crying never worked for him. We co-slept for the whole night for his first 6 months because I was breastfeeding multiple times a night, but then I wanted a break, so we started nursing him down into his crib, then trying to keep him there as long as possible. That meant a lot of getting up, walking to his room, and nursing down. Not so great for my sleep... Then there was the period of time that the wakings started happening every hour, then every 45 minutes, then every 20 minutes (I wonder if that was around 9 months, as I didn't know that 9 mos was a "known" regression time). I was going crazy trying to keep him in his crib, but nursing wasn't helping. He was also learning to walk at that point. That was when I (unsuccessfully) tried to night-wean. I had made up my mind that I was not going to nurse between midnight and 6 am. I would go in after 20 minutes and just pick him up and bounce him in the Ergo until the crying stopped, and then sometimes succeeded in putting him down from the carrier into his crib. I don't remember how long that period lasted. Seemed like forever. But eventually he stayed asleep longer, and I'll never know why. Just like anything I try to get him to sleep, I wonder, was it something that I did, or did he just transition on his own into the next thing??? Ugh.
Giving him a consistent nighttime routine (bath, jammies, books, saying goodnight to the outside world, nurse, then to sleep in his crib) helped a lot when we were going crazy due to the bedtime fight at about a year. He would still wake during the night, but I could nurse him quickly, then re-transfer back to his crib.
Then at 2 y.o., his imagination took off, as well as his speech and he did not want to sleep alone anymore. So many nightmares, so many night terrors. So he would nurse and then if I stayed in his room until he fell asleep, he would sleep between 4 and 7 hours in his crib, and then at first wake up, I would take him into our bed and nurse him and then he would sleep the rest of the night with us. He was just so verbal and so adamant that he didn't want to sleep in his crib that I "caved". Then it became routine, and I don't actually mind it. Now, just in the last month, he hardly wants to sleep alone at all, and maybe sleeps 1.5 or 2 hours in his bed, then wants to sleep with us. I feel like we're always just doing what works for him at the moment, and as I continue to figure out this parenting thing (ha), I become less rigid in what I need to define "a good night's sleep".
I am feeling for you sarah, as we have the same issue with the overall amount of sleep needed being reeeeeeally small. Ugh. He has never slept more than 10 hours overnight (and that's with multiple wake ups, so actually he's not even getting 10 hours...). And never more than 12 or 13 hours total for a 24 hour period. There was a period of a couple of weeks where 4 am was when he was up and ready to play. Sometimes we could convince him to "rest" with us until 5, sometimes we just got up and went with it. And now, at 2.5, he has all of a sudden decided that 8 or 9 hours overnight is good enough, sometimes with just an hour nap. He will sometimes not take a nap, and sometimes that means he's extra tired and sleeps better, but most of the time it means he's OVERtired and sleeps poorly. Wah, another catch-22...
Again, I feel like the more I fight the current situation, the more pain it brings to ME. I once heard someone say, "You can lead a baby to sleep, but you can't make a baby sleep." Helpful for those times when you need a little zen. :)

I have a sidetrack question, maybe for another time, but does anyone think I'm doing a disservice to my boy by nursing him to sleep for his naps every day (a handfull of times in his life he has fallen asleep with a paci or when my hub has sat with him if I wasn't at home), and about 75% of the time for nighttime? [He doesn't seem anywhere near weaning, and the pre- and post-nap sessions are key for him, as well as the pre-bed, once overnight back to sleep, and right when he wakes in the morning sessions. Now that he can speak, he tells me just how much he loves "mommy milk".] I'm just wondering if other people see a connection between weaning/nightweaning and sleep... One person said they didn't see the connection. Just wondering about others with tension increasers/sensitive/attached babes. Thanks!