Does it ever get better?

"Anon for sure" left this comment on Thursday's vent post:

"My baby is almost 1 year old, and I am getting scared that things will not get better, as everyone always says. Used to sleep very well at night, and is now crying out and woke up today at 4am. She is also more irritable during the day.

Everytime we see the light, it gets snatched away from us. We are so tired of troubleshooting, coping, trying to patch up sleep snafus, etc. And this isn't really a sleep issue. This is battle fatigue from dealing with one stressor after another. I'm pissed off that we try so hard, research extensively, invest so much - and yet we have so few smooth periods.

We have a lot to be grateful for, we know. It is just so hard to have perspective. We work so hard to be good parents, and it is problem after problem. When do we get to enjoy ourselves? People say it gets easier, but I don't know if I believe them anymore."

Anon for sure, honestly, I think people who enjoy having babies are nuts. Like seriously insane. I hated it both times, and didn't even realize how much I hated it, because I loved my kids and thought it was just parenting and therefore what I'd signed up for.

But now that they're 8.5 and 5.5? Whoa. It's a whole different experience. I'm actually making decisions and having discussions and working on things with them that are interesting and that make an immediate impact, and sometimes hurt my head in a good way. And they sleep all night and deal with their own poop, and tell me if they're hurt. Yes, there are tons of things that are still Not Fun, like getting them to put on shoes, and explaining stuff like puberty and racism and divorce, and forcing them to do their homework and write thank-you notes. But we get to talk about books and ideas and feelings and thoughts, and they beat me at Wii golf and dance in the living room to Taio Cruz and can navigate from the back seat when I hand them my phone or a map.

It does get better. But seriously, not for awhile. You are not alone. Many many many of us loathe the baby/toddler experience with a capital F-U.

I was talking to an old friend of mine who is pregnant with twins after a lengthy fertility battle. She told me straight out, "I'm just going to try to make it through the first few years alive, because I don't like babies." Right on, sister. Because you know what? You don't have to like parenting a baby. You just have to do it. You keep showing up, and remember that they'll be babies for a couple of years, but they'll be your adult children for decades. And that's the payoff. Your job right now is to give them the love and boundaries and guidance and tools to be amazing adults while keeping yourself open enough to be worthy of being their parent. And then they become fun way before they're actual adults, so those years between toddler and adult are just a bonus.

That doesn't mean that there aren't hundreds of beautiful moments in the baby/toddler stage, when you feel the light of heaven shining down through your child. But the ratio of beautiful moments to mind-numbing exhaustion gets geometrically bigger as they get older.

Parenting is hard, y'all. How do you stay sane during the Red Zone Years? Or do you just accept that you can go under for awhile and come back with a vengeance later?

Comments

[casey]

I'm with Moxie, I hate the baby stage, and hated myself for hating it. I actually wrote "BE CALM" on the palm of my hand many many days during the first year of my colicky screamer.
eldest is 3.5, tiny is 13 mos and I am just starting to get my wits. I second all the advice and my fav. thing Moxie has said "your baby sleeps the way your baby sleeps- you have very little control over it". wow, that set me free. try to relax. I printed out an essay by Anna Quindlen and keep it on my desk to remind me of the impermance of the stages. can't find the original post online, but here it is embedded in a blog:

http://www.consciousmoms.org/?p=649
good luck. :)

[Meghan]

@casey - I have the African symbol, Akoma (which stands for patience and tolerance) tatooed on my wrist. Told myself from just about day 1 of being a parent that I would need a constant reminder.

[creatingbalance]

Haven't read all the comments but this very topic brought me to askmoxie and I couldn't be more grateful. I have a 2 year old boy who was actually an easy newborn but after 4 months all hell broke loose and its a long sorted story but I can relate to the constant researching looking for that magical story/theory of a mom who had a baby just like mine and she did "this" and it worked and there was hope for us! In fact I still do it and on my google list is toddler hitting/ throwing/ and discipline that might work with my uber busy boy. We are that mom/child that everyone marvels at at the park/my gym/ indoor playground because he runs.so.freaking.fast!!
Anyway, it does get better and then changes again and again. We have great time period and then another tooth will start coming or sleep training was going great and then everyone got sick and thus we start all over.

What helped for me was figuring out the stuff that my kid has a hard time with so I didn't come undone by all the regression when we traveled, a tooth comes in, a developmental spurt(sneaky) and knowing it wasn't going to last, very long at least!

Also taking the pressure off doing *everything* so when things are hard we order more or eat more sandwiches. I hand over laundry tasks to DH, during nap time I do nothing but play on my laptop or read a non-parenting book, do less in general and conserve my energy for the nights which is our achilles heel.

I got a buddy, here on askmoxie a fellow mom who has a boy with very similar quirks that my guy has and they are just months apart so I have someone who can completely relate to where we are at, who can appreciate what we've come through. We have been able to support each other through our continued sleep challenges which has been so immensely helpful!!! When you have a 2 year old who doesn't sleep through the night and still nurses( a lot) you get some really odd looks and some really snarky comments at the play groups:(
Anyway find something that works for you to recharge your battery a bit to ride out the storm.

[Kate]

Thank you, Moxie! Thank you for sharing, ladies. I send you all warm hugs from Europe. I was first to post with the mad 5 month old. It is so nice to hear that it a lot of people have similar experiences.

[Sarah]

@Hanginginthere- Next year your little one can help you bake Christmas cookies! While it might take years for things to improve overall, there are baby (ha!) steps towards improving.

I'm actually having a hard time with guilt this time around. My 3 year-old son has such a fun (and, yes, trying) personality, but the 4 month-old is such a blank slate that I don't feel like I know her. I'd also forgotten how hard it is not to be able to do anything (or have to do it one-handed). I know it gets easier (or at least the challenges change) because I have my son as proof, but I can't always remember that especially when I haven't showered and am surrounded by piles of dirty clothes.

[Cloud]

@ACJ- this bit: "what "works" is what makes *me* feel most whole, most peaceful and least angry." is just perfect.

Because really, I don't do my best parenting when I'm angry or stressed out!

[hush]

Everyone here is amazeballs and already said what I was going to say a lot less eloquently, so I will just quote some of you -

What @Shannon said: "I remember people asking me, "Don't you just LOVE it?" I smiled and said yes, but in my mind I thought, "No, f**k you."'

What @JCF said: "But really, hang in there. It will get better. No one can promise a certain time when it will for your kid, but one day you'll look back on it and feel like the lack of sleep was a blink in time. I promise."

What @BiteSizeTherapy said: "Thanks to Moxie for telling it like it is. I have found that most people sentimentalize parenting, and de-emphasize the challenges. It is like they are either: a) afraid to tell you or, b) in denial themselves."

What helped me? Babysitters - who could handle a screaming kid while we are leaving the house. Letting the housework go. I stopped unconsciously comparing. Finally figuring out that the uber-religious mom of 4 I know who loves every blessed minute of her precious homeschooled, organically-fed babes' lives just ain't me, and it's ok!! I stopped letting people I don't even know try to put their superwoman shit on me. I figured out my own personal "bare minimum" stuff that I absolutely need to be happy regardless of the ages and phases of my kids - for me that equals 1) looking clean and presentable by 10am every day and 2) having half an hour a day to watch TV and veg out. And I prioritized my marriage, which almost fell apart due to the stress and lack of sleep having a second child brought. Marriage counseling worked for us. Hugs to you. Take lots of pictures. Both the good and the bad news is exactly the same: they grow up so fast.

[creatingbalance]

@Casey, Thank you for the link. I'm going to have to print that when I'm done weeping....

[kimu]

I'm so thankful that you posted this because I've been feeling the same way about my 9mo. I love him beyond anything, but the lack of sleep and the constant needing is wearing me down. We've found things that work for us and that help, but it's still much more than I've ever dealt with before. I'm thankful we're only planning on having one child, because I honestly couldn't go through this a second time. It's heartening to hear that it gets better.

[MLR]

Wow. A year ago, this poster was me --- many of you gave me good supportive thoughts about how "it gets better" and "hang in there."

And now, with an almost-24-month-old, it's my turn to assure you that YES it gets better. My darling daughter was the world's.worst.sleeper for the first 12 months of her life - never napped more than 40 minutes, rarely slept more than 2 hrs straight at night. I lost 30 pounds walking around the house with her in my baby-carrier and bouncing her to get her to drift off. I sleepwalked through my job, and almost had my marriage fall apart.

And now? She's the world's coolest kid (yes, I'm biased). She talks and runs and plays let's pretend and -- gasp! -- reads her own books next to me in bed while I read the New Yorker. It's *awesome*. Yes, it's challenging at times, and I hate whining. But I'd take just about anything over sleep-deprivation-and-inexplicable-screaming. It has gotten so much better, in fact, that we are trying for a 2nd. (Yes, I'm insane, I know that. But next time I'm going on Zoloft.)

My point being, hang in there, take care of yourself & your marriage, and know that no matter what you do or don't do, your baby will be okay (and will, eventually, sleep).

Good luck and give yourself a hug!

[paola]

I am in the 'my kid was a better baby than toddler' camp. Well, No. 2 anyway. No. 1 was just a plain freak of nature and the easiest baby and toddler and at 5y10m still is. Oh how I hated No. 2's second (and third)year(s). At 20 monhts, she went from sleeping 12 hour nights withouth a peep to multiple wakings until she was 3. And then we had a glitch for a few months around 3.25. I don't even know if I can safely say we are out of the woods at almost 4.

But wow, it is so great having big kids. Except for the greco-roman wrestling that I have to sit through for hours at a time. But that is a subject for another post, hey Moxie?

[Camilla]

When my eldest was one, I was fantasizing for hours every day about running away and leaving his father to deal with him. There's a surprising number of details to consider... would I take the dog, or no? Would I need to set up some big distraction before leaving, so my tracks could not be followed? Would I fake my own death, or file for divorce?

At about 25 months, I weaned him, and suddenly my depression (that I hadn't recognized as such) lifted. Child #2 (conceived shortly thereafter) has been much easier (younger is now 14 months).

Insight #1: The child's temperament makes a huge difference.
Insight #2: Pervasive loss of hope can be a symptom or depression even if you are active, effective and non-suicidal.
Insight #3: Food issues have a ripple effect on everything else; until the kid has the teeth and coordination to feed himself, the parent will feel starved (maybe of time) and stressed.

[Jill]

What Moxie said. Exactly.

I also think when you're a first time mom you worry that you're doing everything wrong, or that it's your fault that they don't sleep, eat, poop, talk, stand, walk, whatever like they "should".... I'm finding that making it through the baby phase is easier with my second because I just know it will all work out and I'm not all frazzled with guilt and "what if I'm doing it wrong" thoughts in my head.

It does get easier. And then harder again. but a different kind of hard. That I think is easier. The baby phase is so not my favorite. But for some reason I did it again and now I have a 4 and 1 year old and I can see the light at the end of hte baby tunnel. Not enough to do it again. but enought to keep waking up every day.

Hang in there! seriously. You're not alone. I bet if you asked your friends to really tell you the truth you'd find out they all (most anyway) felt like you.

[Tracy]

What I discovered when DD was a baby: God makes them cute for a reason. Otherwise, we'd just lock them in a closet and leave them there.

I HATED the baby stage. I am an off-the-chart Type A control freak person. Used to run a huge business. Managed hundreds of employees. Have a freakin Masters degree. Couldn't handle one little baby! Made me crazy. Yes, I would have given my life for her, but still...running away to the beach looked good too.

It really does get better. But not all of a sudden. It sneaks up on you. You realize "oh, she hasn't been screaming as much as she used to" or "wow, getting her down for a nap has been easier" or "I've taken a shower 3 days in a row now"

So, try to lighten up. (And trust me, I know how hard that is) If you are both alive at the end of the day, that is a success.

P.S. It really does get better!

[Camilla]

Know too that different people have different weak points. I am easily annoyed by a child who wants to be in physical contact with me all the time. I'm perfectly happy doing something else in the room with a toddler who's talking constantly, and can converse or let him chatter as the mood requires.

My husband got more stressed out when the child started talking; he complained that he couldn't think in the child's presence, whereas supervising a non-verbal baby left his mental energy free. The pattern seems to be holding true for the second child, who isn't yet verbal.

[No name]

It's uncanny how every Ask Moxie post over the past 4.5 years of my daughter's life has been JUST what I needed to hear at JUST the right time. I'd like to thank Moxie and all of you Moxie-ites for being so generous with your thoughts, words, and experience.

My daughter--at 4.5--is now a continual delight, and that's even when she's being a huge pain. I think I've learned to enjoy so much of her now, when-- for a long time-- I wondered what had I done to both my child/my life.

I love the kind, thoughtful person she's become. I love that she's in school 3x/week, and I have some time for other things. I love that I am privy to her experience of the world.

Please OP, find what you can do that works for you (a babysitter, mom's group, gym w/ drop-off, less-trying to be all the things you think you should be, a little booze, or maybe some combination of all of these)and don't think it's forever. I must be aging at much slower rate than my daughter, as it can't really be going on 5 years now, since she was born, can it?!

I, too, wondered at all the people adoring my baby while I felt drained of so much of what I once knew/thought I was/or might be able to make possible. We're now expecting #2 in just a few short months, and I'm banking on perspective for sanity in those first years.

Warm wishes to all!

[beate]

Another vote for going with the flow and not trying too hard.

"Troubleshooting" and "trying to patch up sleep snafus" are concepts that aren't part of my active vocabulary because my first daughter, now 5.5, raised us to not expect any predictable sleeping patterns. She gets by on very little sleep and requires lots and lots of intellectual stimulation; what she hasn't learned yet is how to entertain herself. Our second daughter, now 1.25, has always wanted to be in bed at a certain time in the evening, so the two kids clearly have very different needs. It helps that my partner and I co-parent fully, so we each handle one child at bedtime. We co-sleep, which makes my job with the baby very easy--when she wakes up, I roll over and nurse her back to sleep.

My partner's job with the 5.5yo is MUCH harder; she takes a long time to unwind in the evening, and while it would be tempting to just close the door on her to let her run out of steam on her own, both my partner and I feel that a) she wouldn't in fact run out of steam, b) she would have to be physically locked into her room, which is a level of coercion both of us consider completely out of the question; and c) her trust in us would be utterly undermined.

We haven't had our evenings to ourselves for 5 years and expect the situation to last several more years. OTOH, we have amazing conversations and lots of fun reading together, making up stories, etc.

However, given our way of parenting, it's pretty clear that we wouldn't be able to handle more than two.

[BiteSizeTherapy]

@ Kristina - I thought your comment about PTSD after colic was interesting - parents don't forget that experience easily! Here is an interesting article on that.

http://www.babble.com/baby/baby-health-and-safety/colic-dealing-with-crying-baby-harm-to-parents/

[Lucy]

I agree with all these comments.

Just to add some very practical things that helped me create some space, both mental and physical:

I found "This too will change" a more helpful motto than "It will get better." It just felt more realistic. I could actually believe that. I saw no sign of the 'getting better' so it just made me feel frustrated.

I gave myself a mental break by telling myself that I was in this parenting-gig for the long haul. If I need to go to family therapy with my 35-year old because I was parenting "wrongly" now, then so be it. For now, we just needed to get through the day. I'm not sure if this sounds really negative, but it helped me to let go a bit.

I started a blog and just tried to take note of the things that I absolutely knew would change: a picture of the diapers and wipes in my bag, teeny-tiny socks hanging on the washing line, the car seat, the crib, toys that I liked, the pacifier in the cutlery drawer etc, the dawn ... oh, the pictures of the dawns, and the streetlights, and the empty street in the nighttime darkness.

I got an ipod! The night-time rocking and feeding and the day-time walks were sooooooo much better when I had a book on tape to listen to.

I always had a book with me, so that if the baby did randomly decide to fall asleep, I could just go with it. I kept a book in the diaper bag, in the stoller and in the car. And I tried to take the Ipod too.

I went to baby and me yoga classes. Yoga was new to me, and I tried to think of it as an added bonus if I managed a pose or 2.

I gave the baby to my husband and went out. (I was an unexpected control freak, who wasn't able to turn off unless I just left the house.)

I went EVERY week to a New Parent Support group, and then summoned up the courage to ask people to go and get a coffee afterwards. And from those beginnings, 5 years later, our babysitting co-op is still going strong.

We got a house-cleaner, and I tried to lower my standards, but my husband worked on the areas that I could see when I was breast-feeding.

My children are nearly 5, and 2 now. It is still challenging, but it is better. Our lives have been remolded so that I am less isolated. And when they aren't making me frustrated and angry, the children really do make me laugh and smile, and melt my heart.

And my photos now include superman underwear on the washing line, and a lightsaber standing in the kitchen cupboard with the olive oil, and 4 sets of shoes in the hall--2 grown-up and 2 kids shoes, and yellow ducks in the bathroom next to strawberry-flavoured toothpaste.

[Shandra]

This is an awesome post + comments and I am bookmarking for my next year.

To the original commenter - I found things improved starting around 2.5. I really, really, really did not love the baby and toddler stages. I can handle the defiance and weirdness of the preschooler much better, by personality. Other people I know are different. The MAIN thing I have learned is - you do not have to be the best parent at each stage, you just have to be adequate to get to the stages you will rock at.

No one believes that the first year with their first, I don't think, but it is TRUE.

Here is what helped me:

My son's sleep went to pieces (from a precarious bit) around 1 year to nearly 18 months. My husband was, at the time, embroiled in work to the point that he couldn't help. I was working PT from home, hoping to do that at night. It was pretty awful.

I learned to bundle him up and take him outside. (Stroller or Ergo.) In the night. In the night air. With everyone on the block judging me. At least those who were up at 2 am (for the night wakings) or on their porches at 7 pm (for the going to sleep).

This didn't help him AT ALL. It helped me. I would breathe in and look at the
stars and somehow it helped me learn to self-soothe.

Later I switched up this routine to rocking in the rocking chair with my favourite music on. With a book. For me. That he would bat at occasionally.

In other words: I focused on what would help ME. I realize this is entirely backwards as per 124312354 baby sleep books. It didn't matter at that point. Everyone's sleep gradually improved. But what was more was that my relationship to my kid improved because he was not the ball and chain keeping me in the hallway, if that makes sense?

He sleeps fine now (5 years old) and I could not be happier to be his mom. In fact I'm due with another. I intend to focus way less on sleep. I'm not going to ignore it; I totally believe in Sleepless in America.

But I don't intend to take the fall for whatever sleep patterns my child has. There are families, mostly on SuperNanny, who need help prioritizing sleep or tweaking their routines. With the perspective of 5 years, I have realized that we needed to go the other way.

I'm not suggesting this as a technique, more as a story from which you might find your own unique balance. Hang in there. It gets better.

[CMLP]

What a wonderful discussion of the early years! I have a 23 month old who has been a horrible sleeper for pretty much 95% of his life. We have had maybe 5 nights where he has slept from 8:30 until 6:00. On most of the other nights he wakes every three hours or so. A five hour stretch feels like a moment of greatness. In his infancy he nursed every 2 hours for about the first 3 months of his life. Up until 2 weeks ago, he had to nap either driving in the car or being held by myself or my husband.

We have tried everything. Ferber, old fashioned cry it out, co-sleep, you name the tactic, we have tried it. Letting him cry never worked. I remember one specific night where he cried from 1:00 - 5:00 am straight because we were trying so desparately to sleepy train him. The end result was an exhausted baby and mama and daddy. The last time we tried letting him cry he taught himself how to crawl out of his crib, so that felt like a major parenting fail. :) I joke that I haven't had a good night sleep since 2008!

That being said, I know that the young years are so small and fleeting that I actively try to appreciate everything, even the late night drama. When my little guy just says hi mama! or I love you mama! or gives our dogs kisses he melts my heart. In the end you have to trust your gut because you know what works best for your own kiddo. What works for one family may not work for you. Trust your instincts and don't look back.

Finally, my grandma gave me some seriously good advice when I was in my darkest period of sleep deprivation around 8 months. I was going on and on that my son would only sleep being held in my arms and often had to be nursed to sleep and what she told me was "Just enjoy the cuddles" because it will go so fast. Honestly, that was the best advice anyone ever gave me.

[CG]

Not to be Debbie Downer here, but although I agree that parenting babies and toddlers is hard (oh, do I agree, as my 9-month-old continues to think that sleeping through the night is for losers), I'm hearing some levels of sadness and frustration in some of the posts that makes me want to suggest talking to someone professional about it. These years are hard, and good heavens the days are long, but if on balance you feel like most of the days are bad ones and you're no longer interested in making the effort to do things that once brought you joy (like decorating for Christmas), take a step back. Ask yourself if you think, given the situation, that you are more down than you think you should be.

I'm certainly not trying to say that if you don't experience parenting the little guys as all sweetness and light you're clinically depressed. But there are ways of coping with the relentlessness of it, and the high expectations that many of us types who frequent this site have for ourselves, that might make more of the days good ones, and for some of us that helps a lot. I talk to a lovely, pragmatic social worker once every year or so when I'm feeling like things are heading downhill mentally, and for me that's enough to snap out of it. At other times in my life it hasn't been and drugs have been a great help. Hugs to you all.

[Sarah]

Such an important response to an important post! Thank you, Moxie. A great reminder.

[Rbelle]

@Chiara, thank you sooo much for your comment. I, too, am about to quit a job I was very good at to stay home with my now 10-week old, and there are days when I'm terrified I'm making a mistake because this is just so hard. Then I remember how much I dislike my job and how bored I always am at work, and I realize that, for me, being a SAHM is likely to suck the least. Sad, but true.

I had a journalism professor once who gave his students advice about being a reporter that is still some of the best advice I've ever heard, and applies to parenting as well. You don't have to love it, you just have to love one thing about it. You can dislike everything else, but as long as there's one thing you love, then it's a job you can do.

[Minty]

OMG thank you for posting this. I'm at the 10 month stage and the Hh isn't predictable worth a damn. She lately has beeing going through the stage where she just keeps grunting unhappily at everything. Add to this that she refused to take a nap and decided today was also a no eating day. Finally I just yelled at her "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?????" Then felt horribly guilty and explained sarcastically that mommy would not be in such a bad mood had Hh slept more than 3 hrs in a row last night. Then I cried because I yelled at my kid. I felt like I had wasted my mat leave trying to get baby to sleep and I was convinced every other mom on the block was having a grand old time on mat leave just like I imagined when I was pregnant, because their kids all slept through the night, took perfect naps, and ate solids like champs. Hell some of them were taking exotic vacations (Mexico! Hawaii! Europe!) and back to normal going out with friends and having date nights while I was sitting around with a baby who was always cranky all the time counting down the hours until my workaholic husband came home.
Your post and the responses have given me hope. And I'm going to look into getting a baby sitter to get some "me" time back.

[Cloud]

@Minty, could it be that your child is a bit more spirited than those of your friends? First, stop comparing yourself to them. You don't know what is really going on in their lives, and it doesn't matter anyway, because they aren't raising the same baby you are. Then check out "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. The tips are more for older kids, but reading it might help you feel less like a failure! (And if it doesn't, stop reading it.) I read it when my daughter was about 2, and so many things just clicked for me.

My first isn't truly "spirited" by the book's definition, but is definitely close. She certainly has more energy than a lot of other kids. The sleep hell that was her at 6-10 months old just about broke me, and then getting her transitioned from bottles to sippy cups and to eating finger foods was almost the end of me (we needed to do this for her to move up to the "older babies" room at day care, which was clearly a good move overall for her). Now she's 3.5 and I can better understand the personality traits that were manifesting themselves when she was a baby. She is now delightful, but still a handful. However, she sleeps through the night most nights. She's a picky eater, but she eats. We have some solid techniques for preventing meltdowns. Things definitely got easier.

Are you doing the night shift all by yourself? If you are, maybe you could try to change that? I never solved my daughter's sleep "issues"- she just started sleeping through on her own when she was about 2. But we did nightwean with some luck at about 11 months, getting her down from 5 wakings to 1-2 per night. And really, the thing that helped most was to stop thinking of it as her problem. She was fine. I was the one with the problem. So my husband and I turned our problem-solving efforts around, and worked out a system that got us both enough sleep to stay sane.

Ignore any of the above that doesn't help. Just cut yourself a little slack- you are doing a great job. Even my "good" sleeping 2nd baby's naps went all haywire at about 9 months. There is just a lot going on. Don't let it make you feel like a bad mom!

[carmen]

I feel ya peeps. I have two boys, 2 1/2 and 13 months. I HATE the baby years. Really until they hit 2 it's just so exhausting. Toddlers are exhausting too but in a totally different way that I can totally handle. Like everyone has said, they tell you what's wrong, you can reason with them more, they start to sleep better (even if it's still in your bed), they can watch movies with you and make cookies and read books. Still a bit mind-numbing to play trains for 3 hrs straight but nothing like the constant meltdowns and "hold-me's" of babydom. Just push through, my friend.

My second was easier b/c I knew more about who I was as a parent so I didn't waste time with whether I was going to "allow" babies in my bed or pacifiers, or what to do if they don't eat enough veggies, but more difficult b/c 2 children take up more time. Won't be having a third. I want to enjoy the two I have :)

[blue]

@Hanginginthere 10:50 AM, you sound so much like I felt for the first year of my daughter's life.

You are not a terrible mother for not enjoying this time. In fact, you may not enjoy it for a year or two more, BUT, the time between now and when your child starts school and/or you decide to go back into the work force (if you do) is small in the grand scheme of life (even if it doesn't feel that way while you are trudging through the drudgery of diapers, laundry and mind numbing sleep deprivation).

Anyway, I guess I'm saying all this because it did get better for me, even enough to do it all over again 4 years later. But I also found that I didn't love having tiny babies and I needed help along the way. It didn't make me a bad mother and it doesn't make you one either.

[Sarah]

My daughter is 8.5 months old and in the midst of a sleep "regression" lasting 2.5 months. She has never been a good sleeper, so "regression" is a relative term... It is so refreshing to hear that it is OK to feel like parenting an infant sucks way more than it doesn't. I lived through the first 3 months feeling like a total degenerate (I'm sure the PPD didn't help) that this whole experience didn't open me up into a more joyful existence and instead made me feel like disappearing into a dark cave somewhere. Most other mothers I encountered in the process would wax poetic about the soft dewy skin of a newborn, how tiny and precious they are, etc. I really thought I was missing something. But as I have let go of the fact that I didn't get the baby I ordered (one who slept, was super flexible, loved travel, cooed at me from whatever device she was strapped into while I worked from home on my computer), I have really started to appreciate that it is getting better. I no longer take her nap refusals and night wakings as a personal attack and that has really helped. I guess that I'm slowly gaining the perspective that these days are finite and it has done wonders for me.

[Carla Hinkle]

Oh, dear. I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this. Babies ARE hard and one issue is, as you noted, that as a first time parent it's impossible to have perspective. How could you? You've never done this before!

And I admit that I find even sweet, even tempered babies (like my 3rd who is 11 months) really boring. Add in some fussiness and/or sleep issues? Ouch.

It does get better. But it's hard to know when that will be. My advice? If you can in any way swing it, get some help. Paid help if you can afford it. Or grandparent help or a babysitting trade or daycare at the gym. I see so many 1st time moms who are DYING and are very resistant to help. Even an hour or two here or there will make a huge difference in your frame of mind.

And things will get better! With my 1st I thought once she could walk and was down to 1 nap, maybe 15 mos, and we could do playmates and the zoo, that was a real landmark.

[Stephanie]

My son is turning three soon and I think that I've really LOVED motherhood only in the past few months. I make no apologies for disliking babyhood and early toddlerhood. But now, with his increasing verbal skills and quirky charms? I can't help but enjoy myself and so very much look forward to the years ahead. It does get better, but that point in time seems to be different for everyone.

[BlueBirdMama]

My son had colic. There were some very, very tough days in those first three months. Lingering residue of colic: he was never an enthusiastic napper. I, of course, became obsessed with naps. Oh, and I started a PhD program in applied economics when he was 6 months old. Brilliant.

When he was 9 months old, during the winter break from my PhD program, I got sicker than I've ever been in my life: in bed, fever & flu for 10 days. But I kept up the nursing, the pumping, the obsessing over sleep and I continued to cling to the high stakes mentality that I had to do everything perfectly or I was a horrible mom. That first year was H-A-R-D. And I had full time daycare for half of it!

Fast forward. He's now 3.75 and a funny, sweet, imaginative kid who is a ton of fun to be around. I'm pregnant with number 2 and there are a few things I plan on differently this time around; number one on the list? Cut myself way more slack than I did the first time around. As others have said, once you're out of the first year/first 18 months with the first kid, you realize how hard you were on yourself and how seriously you took things that you might've let go.

Others have said this, but I'll just add to the chorus: take care of yourself first. It's like putting your oxygen mask on before helping your child. Get some childcare, get some support (where ever you can find it-- family may not be the best place), if necessary get some therapy (helped me a ton!). The baby will be fine, truly. The people who try to convince you that every little thing you do right now is critical to him becoming a compassionate, high achieving, Harvard bound, athletic, musical future lawyer/doctor/stock broker with a lower than average risk of cancer are usually just trying to sell you some book or products. Leaving him with your parents for a three day weekend, sending him to day care part time, reclaiming some things for you and your spouse-- none of that will derail him from greatness if that is where he is headed. Do whatever you can to cope until it gets easier-- and it will eventually.

[Melba]

I haven't read any comments but I will come back later and do that... interested in what people have to say and hopefully to see that there are many of us with the same desperate need for things to turn a corner.

I have a 10 month old and a 3.5 year old and I am having a very rough day/week/month/year/whattheheck3years with both of them. Just when things started to get better with my then 2 year old, I went and effed it all up by having another baby who would be teething/not sleeping/having separation anxiety/getting sick all the freaking time right at the exact time my older child is the dreaded age of 3.5.

I know it will get better. Still waiting, hanging on!

Will read above comments later.

[Shan]

Yes, the baby/early toddler stages are sometimes fun and a lot of times stressful, exhausting, and overwhelming. With our second, now 2 (doesn't sleep through the night about 50% of the time) we started to accept that sleep was not happening. We also learned to let go and stop trying so hard to "do the right things." Turns out we are enjoying her tremendously--most of the time. That being said, we won't be having any more babies! It is normal to feel like you are losing it and can't stay ahead, but it really is hardest during the first 18 months. The only thing consistent during that time is change. My best advice is to find a sleep strategy that you can live with and be consistent with that. Ours is that my husband gets up during the night most of the time since he can easily go back to sleep and we use Super Nanny sleep techniques since they are easiest and feel the least harsh and actually work well for my kids. We also try to go with the flow on a lot of things (she still has a bottle--dentists are screaming but we aren't).

[jen]

This is the best post I've read about parenting in a while. Thanks.

To the woman with the question - it gets better. Just think, most people have more than one kid, and birth control is an option, now.

My son didn't sleep through the night until 17 months. I just weaned off of my PPD meds at 20mo. She should look into it. Lack of sleep can change your hormones causing depression. Zoloft changed my life. :)

[Tina]

I totally bought into the whole "babies are pure joy" bullshit, until baby was born and we didn't sleep for 4 DAYS STRAIGHT and the people in the painting on the hospital wall bean to walk around the picture at 4 in the morning. I mean, I saw them prancing along the pier. It was crazy.

Ever since then, getting baby to sleep--or, more accurately, me getting enough sleep--is a battle I fight each and every day. It's wearing me down. It's truly, truly making me crazy in some basic part of my brain. When moms get together, all I want to talk about is sleep, in the hopes of finding a bosom buddy out there who is up 3 X a night with a 13-month-old.

And the guilt! I feel awful that I get mad. That I swear when she pops up after a 5-minute nap. That I punch the pillow every once in a while when she's been up from 2 to 5 a.m. just tossing and turning and pulling my hair. I so never, never want to do this again--and I feel guilty for planning to deprive her of a sibling.

But she's so happy when she's awake, and so scarily smart, and social, and I take a minute every day to count my blessings and pray that I exhibit enough patience and guidance in those tough moments to make her feel loved and safe.

But whoever said babies sleep like babies should be shot.

[Awaitingrest]

This is just about exactly what I needed right now.
One of the things that has gotten me through the first year w/ 2 children (now 3 and 1) was having a friend who was honest about how horribly difficult it was for her for the first year and a half or more with her second.
I haven't slept in the same bed with my husband, let alone slept with my husband in the other sense... in some ridiculous amount of time because we have no evenings. Right now he's paying bills on no energy while I shurk doing the dishes because I'm going to have to run back up to our 54-week-old can't fall asleep without my boob can't be moved to the crib can't stay asleep for very long beloved darling. We have no life after dinner, and by dinner we are exhausted. Our pumpkins are extremely physical, extremely daring, extremely wonderful but this is so bloody hard. I'm so so tired, and feel like I get no validation or understanding for that anywhere... except from my honest friend and here. I feel like I've ducked my head and I'm waiting for the air to clear- and in the meantime I have no idea what's going on outside of my little tiny trench. The weird thing is being afraid I'll miss have little babies- ie they'll be big and I won't have even noticed it happening. That's weird.

[Tina]

Cloud, I just wanted to add that I did the same--pushed baby around the park, every day, in tears because I was a failure at getting her to sleep any other way. But now she can fall asleep on our bed with me or hubby next to her, and we can ever transfer her to her crib. Small progresses, which I hope bode well for more to come...

[Claudia Rutherford]

Thank you so much everyone for the wonderful posts. I think part of the problem is the relentless pressure on us as mothers in this society. I remember when my older son was born, I was absolutely shocked at how much things have NOT changed for us as women in this country. No matter who I was before kids, people seemed to assume that all of that was erased when I became a mom - that nothing compared to it and my life and accomplishments before did not matter. Also I think that people lie - and lie a lot - about motherhood and how incredibly hard it is. On some level we feel that if we complain at all, it implies we don't love our kids. I love my boys (6 and 3) with all my heart, but I don't always love taking care of them. It is hard hard work a lot of the time. My boys are starting now to play together. Yesterday I sat on the couch for ten minutes and read a book. It was almost unfathomable. The younger one is in a very tiring, reckless, aggressive stage, but I finally feel that in about a year, it will get dramatically easier, as I see the older one becoming more and more able to do things for himself.

[Cloud]

Thanks, @Tina- that was my first baby, who is now 3.5 years old and falls asleep on her own after a short (~15 min) bedtime routine. So yes, there is hope! (She never did go down for a nap easily at home, though, and now only naps at day care. But I've stopped caring.)

Also, I am currently waking up between 1 and 3 times a night with my 13 month old, just like you are! Funny thing is, I think that is GOOD, because her older sister was so much worse and made us work to get to the point where she only woke up 3x/night! (We had to nightwean, and that involved my husband spending large chunks of time holding her in the middle of the night.)

But even if I think my current set up isn't so bad, some mornings I'm so tired that I can barely think straight. But this time, I know that it gets better even if I don't find the magic sleep solution (I never did). And somehow, that makes it more tolerable. Also, I caved and started co-sleeping much earlier, and that makes things easier for us so that I manage to get enough sleep to function.

[Kim]

Thank you so much for this post! I've been feeling very down lately about parenting my 14 month old daughter who has never napped well and is a very fussy eater and I just can't seem to let it go! I've researched every issue to death and I still keep searching for that magic fix even though I rationally know there is no such thing. The mothers in my mothers' group all have babies who take long and regular naps and sleep at night and wolf down 3 meals a day so I often leave our get togethers feeling worse than ever. I'm embarrassed about how difficult I'm finding parenthood and am seriously thinking about whether I have the courage, energy and confidence to have a second child. However, Moxie and this community and some other blogs I follow really have helped me more than anything. Cheers everyone!

[Anon]

I enjoyed babyhood (barring the lack of sleep) but am being kicked HARD in the backside with DS in the 3.5 stage coupled with DD at 8 months old. I love them both with every fibre of my being but it's getting the better of me.

I feel I've become a mean Mum to my DS and, while I'd never do it, I have fantasies of running away and back to a life where the only decisions I made affected me rather than three other people. I can't stand who I'm becoming and don't want my children to hate me... I'm so tired of trying to be all to everyone and not pleasing everyone and, while I can intellectualize that I am talking to a petulant and somewhat jealous three year old, the new attitude and limit testing is doing my head in...

[Anon]

To add to my post, my DS and I were really, really close until DD arrived. I think that might be why it's all so darn difficult. He's very good with his baby sister but I am being severely punished. He gets very sad (which breaks my heart) and angry (with me in particular) and it's all turned into a complete schmozzle.

[Zenmoo]

My perspective comes from occasional babysitting - some of it where I turf Moo to my parents & oddly enough, when I babysit for my cousins 4 & 6 year olds. It was FUN last week - they entertained my 10 month old and played pretty happily. Sure, I had to manage a meltdown by the uber competitive 6 yr old when she lost at UNO and the 4 yr old wanted to blow bubbles into the baby's face... And I was WIPED at the end of the day - but overall, it was fun.

Also - I've found a day spa/ beauty salon with a crèche! I haven't been yet, but just the thought cheers me up.

[Charisse]

It's all been said, but I too had the wakeful, bottle-refusing, adorable and yet strikingly boring and strongwilled baby. It was so hard. I knew I wasn't cut out for it from the beginning, and was delighted to go back to work at 6 months. Loved her with all my heart the whole time, cooed over and cuddled her but so. much. work. and stress.

6 year olds are fun on the other hand - they have interesting things to talk about and they can be reasoned with and understand not getting their way all the time. But for me it got better with every step toward independence - walking, talking, weaning, potty training, all of them make my life so much easier and more fun!

Hang in there with the babies. They get cuter and more interesting with every passing month! (OK some months just suck but the trend holds in aggregate.)

[Jennifer]

ACJ, right on! My theory on mealtime for example is: as long as they don't starve, the goal is that *I* enjoy the meal. My god how much my life improved when I decided to do that. And guess what, my kids haven't died yet.

[Rudyinparis]

@ Claudia Rutherford: YES!

[AmeliaV]

I love this community.

My sanity began to restore when I found ask moxie and ditched the sleep books. I, too, was a research-solve-the-problem mom. When I stopped trying to solve, and started trying to take this little maddening being on her own terms, things were so much better.

My child still didn't sleep, but at least I was not guilt ridden and feeling like a failure.

[chanliteheart]

"it gets better." yes and no. at least not in some linear way.

i have an 3.5yo and a 16mo. i find every damn day a never-ending barrage of work, food, mess and poop. the 3.5yo is full-on in the, ahem, "jackass" stage. and makes me want to run away from home. the 16mo is in separation anxiety and getting molars. yeah. i'm in a wicked double-whammy phase right now...

but then the 3.5yo says "mama, i want to make you happy" and comes over to give me the sweetest hug. and that makes my day. then the 16mo says "more milk" instead of screaming. and that makes my day.

**your current battles will find resolution.** but then new ones will crop up. and it'll go like that for a while. but with each day they get better at *something* and that one development will make your life easier in some way. (i'm SOOO thrilled she can ask for milk now!!)

[Kristina]

@BiteSizeTherapy, I had tears in my eyes reading that article. So true. You never forget that crying. I felt like DS went through a 2nd colic period at 18 months when he was so frustrated by not being able to talk that he cried all the time. Even now when he begins to cry I have a moment of sweating and panic. I don't think it will ever go away.

I wanted to add that I agree with the recommendation for the book, "Raising Your Spirited Child." I've read it 3 times now. It has helped SO much. I think it would help anyone with a strong willed, non angel, baby.