Does it ever get better?

"Anon for sure" left this comment on Thursday's vent post:

"My baby is almost 1 year old, and I am getting scared that things will not get better, as everyone always says. Used to sleep very well at night, and is now crying out and woke up today at 4am. She is also more irritable during the day.

Everytime we see the light, it gets snatched away from us. We are so tired of troubleshooting, coping, trying to patch up sleep snafus, etc. And this isn't really a sleep issue. This is battle fatigue from dealing with one stressor after another. I'm pissed off that we try so hard, research extensively, invest so much - and yet we have so few smooth periods.

We have a lot to be grateful for, we know. It is just so hard to have perspective. We work so hard to be good parents, and it is problem after problem. When do we get to enjoy ourselves? People say it gets easier, but I don't know if I believe them anymore."

Anon for sure, honestly, I think people who enjoy having babies are nuts. Like seriously insane. I hated it both times, and didn't even realize how much I hated it, because I loved my kids and thought it was just parenting and therefore what I'd signed up for.

But now that they're 8.5 and 5.5? Whoa. It's a whole different experience. I'm actually making decisions and having discussions and working on things with them that are interesting and that make an immediate impact, and sometimes hurt my head in a good way. And they sleep all night and deal with their own poop, and tell me if they're hurt. Yes, there are tons of things that are still Not Fun, like getting them to put on shoes, and explaining stuff like puberty and racism and divorce, and forcing them to do their homework and write thank-you notes. But we get to talk about books and ideas and feelings and thoughts, and they beat me at Wii golf and dance in the living room to Taio Cruz and can navigate from the back seat when I hand them my phone or a map.

It does get better. But seriously, not for awhile. You are not alone. Many many many of us loathe the baby/toddler experience with a capital F-U.

I was talking to an old friend of mine who is pregnant with twins after a lengthy fertility battle. She told me straight out, "I'm just going to try to make it through the first few years alive, because I don't like babies." Right on, sister. Because you know what? You don't have to like parenting a baby. You just have to do it. You keep showing up, and remember that they'll be babies for a couple of years, but they'll be your adult children for decades. And that's the payoff. Your job right now is to give them the love and boundaries and guidance and tools to be amazing adults while keeping yourself open enough to be worthy of being their parent. And then they become fun way before they're actual adults, so those years between toddler and adult are just a bonus.

That doesn't mean that there aren't hundreds of beautiful moments in the baby/toddler stage, when you feel the light of heaven shining down through your child. But the ratio of beautiful moments to mind-numbing exhaustion gets geometrically bigger as they get older.

Parenting is hard, y'all. How do you stay sane during the Red Zone Years? Or do you just accept that you can go under for awhile and come back with a vengeance later?

Comments

[Kate]

I feel this lady's pain although my rowdy daughter is only 5 months today and I wake up every morning (usually at about 5 as she is an early waker) thinking - "How do people do this?" She will not nap, wakes twice during the night if I am lucky and will not take a bottle or dummy and REALLY makes strange with EVERYONE often after acting like she loves them for a few days.... I tried different methods with the sleeping, but it is like she figures them out and then starts moaning in anticipation as soon as something works more than twice. She will not go in a buggy, but then sometimes she does. Right now I cannot be bothered trying as it is -10 here. She is a big girl (8.5 kilos) so the sling is getting HEAVY! My girlfriends who had babies before and after me go out, go back to work, and basically enjoy themselves. My parties are with Madam and myself and one or both of us usually end up crying. I think she was born like this as she ripped my drip out of my arm right after she was born and when the first doctor (a really old gentle man) examined her when she was three days old, he said: "thats a wild one, have fun." I cannot wait for her to be 21...

[Cobblestone]

I turned the first corner at 15 months, another at 18, and another at 24.

It does get better, not every moment(after a lovely weekend I'm recovering from a messy get-up / get-out this morning)but the easier moments start to outweigh the rough ones.

At 15 months, he had started to get the hang of 'running' and was a strong walker - so my shoulder was no longer so painful and he was not as upset about me going the wrong way.

At 18 months, he had enough language / connections that not everything was an awful game of telepathic charades.

At 24 months we just found a 'good most of the time' groove.

Good luck!

[Stephanie]

Both of my children were super fussy babies and bad sleepers. The first year of their lives were hard, hard, hard. My youngest (and last) is now 18 months and I do feel that this age is really where I turned the corner and things start to get fun. The next big change for me is when they get all their teeth in.

One piece of advice I read on Moxie years ago that I always try to remember is that we expect that sleep should be linear and it is not. It gets better, then worse, then better and then worse.

To me, I would guess that your child's latest sleep issues are centered around teething, at least that is what I like to blame all my problems on. However, I am like the poster who is always trying to troubleshoot and find a solution to the problem. And really, things usually go away on their own despite all the room darkening shades, special alarm clocks, new blankets, different pajamas, etc. etc.

Good luck. You are a great parent and it does get easier and easier. I have a 3 year old daughter who was a horrible horrible sleeper for the first year of life, who easily and happily goes to bed, sleeps all night and gets up at a decent hour (7am) and an 18 month old who is just started getting better around 16 months although he often tries to wake up too early and is getting his molars so sometimes needs a little love in the middle of the night.

[LikesLies]

Man, I have the easiest second baby in the world. Sweet, happy, sleeps well (usually), and I am still contemplating not having that third one we both really wanted a month or so ago. We even bought a bigger house, but now my husband is working from home, so the extra bedroom is an office, and I feel like I'm a bad parent to my older child because having a 13-month-old takes so much of my time/attention. Is it really worth being a bad parent to two older children for a whole 18-24 months. I'm not sure. And what if the next one is normal instead of a breeze, like the first one was. Yikes!

[Jody]

I have blurred and yet haunting memories of the c.13 month sleep regressions and teething, plus that cranky stage that happens when babies learn to sit/crawl/walk (so the "stage" lasts for about six to twelve months, depending on the baby in question). That's a rough, rough time.

I had triplets, and for me, the first major "whoa, this has just gotten much better! And Fun!" point was 18 months. The sleep was still tough but the daytime interactions totally made up for it. Other folks I know say it took until 24 months.

Then we hit three, and honestly, Three was just sucky. But the suck fades.

I do think there's something about the early trenches of first parenthood that can do a mind game on people. It's really easy to think of sleep or crankiness as things that belong to YOU, that are the result of your own bad actions or choices, so when things are rough (NAPS), people don't think, man this is a tough stage for naps, how will I get through? They think, what am I doing so wrong that my kid won't nap? And now not only is your kid not napping, but you're carrying a big load of self-doubt and maybe even self-disgust.

So I would say, if you can get to that place mentally, try not to think of the challenges as arising from choices you're making. Because really, that's just not so likely. Especially not for someone who writes, "we try so hard, research extensively, invest so much - and yet we have so few smooth periods."

Moxie has some self-care posts scattered around, "how to cope when you're in a stage that's kicking your ass," and I think those are the posts that can help here.

Good luck. It DOES get better. And I write that as someone who really LOVES babies, and wishes I'd gotten to have more.

[Shannon]

To me, the entire first two years were like, "What happened to my old life?" It is very hard to adjust to ALWAYS having to be on-call for a totally irrational human being. And, as a lactation consultant once told me, you you are mourning the loss of your old, pre-baby life. And it's hard because everybody expects that you're just totally on cloud 9 all the time. I remember people asking me, "Don't you just LOVE it?" I smiled and said yes, but in my mind I thought, "No, f**k you."

I always say that I loved my son from birth, but I didn't really _enjoy_ him until 18 months. That was the first time he seemed like a real person who could actually do little activities and stuff. And it gets progressively better from there. So hang in there, you're almost there.

[enu]

It really, really does get better. You may have to hang on for a bit longer until it does. But it will.

I adore babies. But I tell you, much as I think babies are one of the niftiest things around, I never, ever wake up at 3 AM and wish I had one wailing in my house!

First thing to get clear, OP.... you aren't doing anything WRONG. It's just what it is right now. It WILL change.

You are laying the groundwork for an entire lifetime of family life. For you, these may be the very hardest days you have. The work and challenges you face today will pay off a hundredfold in your future and your child's future.

One thing I do advise is to treat yourself as kindly as possible and value yourself and your efforts. That means caring for health, and spending a little more time on yourself than you may feel you should take right now. Because if someone else was going through what you're going through now, you'd want someone to treat them nicely, wouldn't you?

Best wishes for a suddenly sunny toddler who fills your house with giggles and cuddles.

[Clare]

Yes, it does really get better. Especially when they are old enough for preschool. A couple hours a day a few days a week doesn't sound like much, but it was a life saver for me.

My second son was so much easier than my first, and I don't think it's because they were all that different tempermentally. If anything, the younger one was even hungrier than the older one. But, I cared less. Not in the sense that I didn't love him, because I did -- fiercely -- but because I just kinda went with the flow. I stopped reading and researching obsessively. I called the ped if there was something really worrying me. It is SO HARD to get to that point, though, and damn near impossible with your first. I was a mess the first time around.

The easing happened gradually for me, so I can't really say it was easier at X months. But I will say that I LOVE 2 year olds. I found the full-on toddler stage more manageable than the needy infant stage.

[Simone]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for posting this. I am a new mom of a 3.5 month old and it went from people telling us “Oh, make it to 6 weeks and it gets better,” to “make it to 3 months and it gets better.” I have stopped listening. I haven’t been doing this very long, but I am learning that this is just plain HARD and it although some things do improve, the job changes and does not necessarily get any easier. Our reason for having children was to create a family, not to have a baby per say. I pretty much hated being pregnant 85% of the time and had to listen to people go on and on about how they just LOVED it. Then I had to remind myself that we were lucky that we could get pregnant etc – ahhh guilt! These past few months have been some of the hardest of my life. In the darker moments, usually after only 2 hours of sleep, there have been times where we questioned if we made the right decision having a baby. At the same time, we are so grateful for her and are planning all of the things we can show her in life and get teary-eyed thinking about them. Going through all these contradictory emotions is rough and all I can say is if you feel as if you are going to “the dark place” know that you are not alone! I do believe it is all worthwhile (however I just had a good night’s sleep and a cup of coffee – so we are HAPPY today!) Thanks to Moxie and to everyone who has posted on this site by the way. The honesty on here is sooo refreshing and at times has given me the jolt I needed to keep going.

[caro]

I had an awful, awful time with my babies. Awful. Hated that life. Wanted to love it. Felt ashamed of hating it.

And now they are 3 and 5 and life is interesting and fun again in all the ways Moxie said.

It gets better. And being miserable taking care of a one year old does not make you a bad mom.

[Amy]

I distinctly remember coming home from the hospital with my first child and having the Worst Night Ever and thinking, "It's going to be this hard for the next 18 years - what have I done?"

That thought really characterized my own personal version of postpartum depression. I lost all perspective on the fact that she WOULD grow up and change and that it WOULD get easier. Sure, sometimes it's 2 steps forward, 1 step back, but I haven't sat up all night with her, shirtless, both of us crying, trying to get her to nurse or to sleep, I don't care which, just for the love of God let me sleep... in a long time now. Actually, last time I was up with her in the night was just a month ago, she had strep, and it was almost (dare I say it?) nice. She's 5 now, and we don't get to snuggle all night and just BE like that very much anymore.

You'll probably balk at this, but what really helped me was having another child (and a prescription for Zoloft). I got pregnant again when my oldest was 11 months (oops!) and while at the time I thought it was a disaster, it turned out that she was exactly what I needed, and exactly what our family needed. (Here's a secret of having two - they entertain each other!)

Now I'm extremely pregnant with #3. The oldest two are 5 and 3-1/2. And I wish I could go back to when my oldest was 12 months and say, "Hang in there - it gets easier. It gets AWESOME, actually, and someday you're going to do it again ON PURPOSE, even knowing exactly what you're in for!" But since I can't say it to myself, I'll just put it out there for you. It gets better.

[MamaBirdNYC]

I agree with Moxie, and the commenters, and everyone. I'd also like to add- if it feels like you are trying so hard to get everything to run smoothly, and it still doesn't-- TRY LESS HARD. I know it sounds ridiculous, but if you kind of accept that it's an imperfect job, and you are giving it a decent effort but not the effort you'd expend to get a perfect outcome, you might be a lot less upset when you don't get a perfect outcome. I found that a certain level of both accepting the difficulty AND accepting that I was not 100% amazing at this really dialed down my unhappiness.
Good luck to you, Anon!

[MLB]

I agree wholeheartedly with everything above. Only thing I would add is, at some point it's healthy and normal and beneficial to have a balance. I may get slammed for this but the kids that I have seen that are the most "work" in emotionally demanding ways are the kids with the parents that are the most stressed and trying the hardest. I have no idea if it's a chicken/egg issue, but at some point you can give yourself permission to stop troubleshooting, stop researching and investing so much. Just give yourself permission to let go of the things that are not going to do you or your child permanent harm. If you think about it, all the work you're doing is exhausting - try the other approach for a while and see how it feels. It's also more than okay to sort of mentally check out for a while if you can. It can give you a break and it will not harm your child. You're still there for them. Good luck.

[attiton]

I don't comment as much now as I used to when I had my first child (she's almost 3.5 now), but I just wanted to drop a line today to say...

Thanks, Moxie, for your continued good work.

It isn't just that posts like the one today help me as much now as they did back then. It's that--given how long you have been writing this blog, and how long I have been reading it--I feel that I am getting even more from learning how you have changed and grown in your style of parenting over time. It gives me time to reflect on where I used to be and where I am now, and that is *so* valuable to me as I parent my young children.

Now, to the point, I could not agree more with Jody above.

If the OP can possibly work it, she should consider the fact that the majority of the time (as our esteemed blog leader here has said), the things that we *do* (or read, or research) to try to get our infants/young toddlers to change/behave, are just actions we perform while the children sort out their life on their own. If it makes you feel better to act, then do it! But, from your post, it sounds like you feel that you are putting in a ton of effort for very little reward. Just know that it isn't your fault! Feel free to put down the books and trust your instincts.

I would also like to admit that I have trouble saying, "It will get better," when the time frame I'm talking about is YEARS. Those of you (like me now) who are mothering a newborn might think, "YEARS? Screw you people...I can't wait YEARS for this to change." But, as the old parenting adage goes, the days may be long, but the years are short. They really are.

[Claudia]

I'll chime in, too. Most definitely babies are hard work, demoralizing to their very overstretched parents, and make it very easy to fall into a sleep-deprived tunnel of thinking this is the grey drudgery of the rest of your life.

I was there, through most of my daughter's first 6 months. Then through a fair amount of her second 6 months. Then with some setbacks (separation anxiety from 13-15 months, I'm looking at you), it got better. When I finally got down to one nursing a night, it was like the clouds opened up. When I night-weaned her, it was like the sky suddenly cleared entirely.

We are now at 4.5, and it's been very very fun and rewarding in increasing increments with every 6 months since. We are currently breaking her of a new habit of coming in to sleep with us at night, spawned from her recently cold. I am much more firm, and can use a few words and basic logic with her to get my point across. We are making progress, and what I notice most about this "sleep training" this time around is I don't have the deep traumatic flashbacks I used to get, caused by her babyhood. I can deal like a somewhat sane person. I thought I'd been scarred for life!

Strength to you, and a big YES! to taking some care and time for yourself. I loved it when daycare started.

[Erin]

"I do think there's something about the early trenches of first parenthood that can do a mind game on people. It's really easy to think of sleep or crankiness as things that belong to YOU, that are the result of your own bad actions or choices, so when things are rough (NAPS), people don't think, man this is a tough stage for naps, how will I get through? They think, what am I doing so wrong that my kid won't nap? And now not only is your kid not napping, but you're carrying a big load of self-doubt and maybe even self-disgust."

THIS. This is one of the great secrets of parenthood that it is almost impossible to learn until #2 comes around! We were constantly thinking with #1, is he too hot is he too cold are we too loud (srsly, we were afraid to flush the toilet while he was sleeping for like 13 months) is he teething is he sick should we co sleep more should we be 'training' him? etc etc etc. It got so much BETTER once I gave up trying to find some kind of reason & was just like ok he's sleeping badly now but it will get better. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a magical formula to rainbows and puppies - it just made life more bearable to know a) it wasn't me and b) it was a stage that would end. Thank GOD I found Moxie before the 18 month sleep regression because we were able to just ride it out, knowing what was happening.

Count me in the category of the insane - I love love love babies. My 6 month old (#2) is such a pumpkin I just want to eat him up all the time. Just holding him makes me want #3. But it's still HARD for us. He won't sleep; he's possibly the worst sleeper ever, and some days I'm holding on by a thread (he rarely sleeps more than 45 min-1.5 at night, so basically we wakes up at least 7 times a night every night, and during the day I have a 2.5 year old who needs so much patience).

The other thing I want to say is that even though I love babies & feel super comfortable around them I was *shocked* a how hard the adjustment to parenthood was - how unrelenting it is and exhausting and how little space there was for me. I spent DS #1's 1st year in a state of shock and semi-resentment , alongside my enjoyment of his babyhood. So with first babies a lot of complicated things are happening simultaneously.

OP, you are doing a GREAT job; being honest with how you feel & expressing it is key! Not loving a certain stage =/= not loving your child.

[Erin]

@MLB- you are so right!

[Rachel Barenblat]

My son turned one yesterday. Our first few months were hell: he was colicky, he didn't want to sleep, I had postpartum depression and thought I was just broken and my life would never be better again. (I know, it's ridiculous, but I really believe it at the time. I thank God every day for the makers of Zoloft; at 3 months I finally admitted to myself and my OB that I wasn't okay, and the blue pills were the help I needed to find myself again.)

Drew is one now, and I adore him like crazy. But he still doesn't like to sleep. His nap schedule has never been great; lately there's also been teething, the excitement of learning how to crawl and then to pull up to standing, a cold and then croup, etc, etc. He goes to sleep pretty easily most nights around 6:30 (exhausted because he hasn't really napped much!) but last night he was up and fussing at 9:30, 1:45, and 5:20, at which point I finally gave him a bottle and he went back down until 6. He's incredibly stubborn; he's capable of screaming for a solid hour, standing and rattling the bars of his crib, if no one comes to soothe him in the night.

I miss getting good sleep. I fantasize about sleep. But I know things are so much better than they were when he was only a few months old; I can count on getting 8h of sleep a night now, even if it's broken into three chunks, and that makes a huge difference.

And he's turning into a really neat little guy, and I can see that he will be even more fun and even more interesting as he gets older. But boy howdy: I don't know how anyone does this twice!

[KG]

My son just turned one and he really does not sleep through the night either. He did until he hit 8 months, but we all know what happens then and he was no exception. While the past few weeks have been a lot better, he does still wake up and my husband and I just bring him in the bed. I'm not going to "parent" or try some sleep technique in the middle of the night.

[Findingmommamia.blogspot.com]

Feel your pain for sure. My second is 15 months and continues to be a bad sleeper - although better over the last couple of months, still bad. So bad that I don't deal with him in the middle of the night anymore (I spent the first 11 months of his life literally getting about 4 hours of nonconsecutive sleep a night, literally - so my patience in the middle of the night is now nil.)
I know how frustrating it is. But, keep in mind, if babies and sleeping were a sure thing, there would not be so many books and opinions on the subject.
I get throught these days (with a 15 month old and 3 yr old) truthfully by trying to hold onto that heartwarming moment that happens in the midst of a totally chaotic day and by being forgiving to myself. It's far too easy to get wrapped up in shame and guilt for not always feeling the glow of motherhood or for handling something in a way you wish you could do over. That's what keeps me going.
Hang in there, they say it gets better! Gotta believe 'em, otherwise we'd go crazy!

[Sharon @proactiveparenting]

Amen Moxie! Like it, love it, fun, magical, those are all words that can sabotage a parent. All children are different, and some are so much harder in one area than another.

Having said that, all I can say is love. Breathe. Love.
Focus on one day at a time.
Find out what gives YOU a sense of joy and make sure you include that in your life.
If you can do *anything* just for you, it will off-set the feelings you're having, just a tiny bit. It will fill you up inside. Emotionally filling your needs, will allow you to go back to what isn't making you that happy, with a bit more sanity and clarity.

There is no doubt, I am sure, that you LOVE your child. What's most important is that you don't get filled with guilt regrading your feeling about your parenting during these early days.

Parenting is like a walk through fire, a lot of the time. When you're done with a stage, you're glad there's no more fire, but now you worry about the damage done from walking through it.

If you remain focused on when it will change, and how much you don't like it, you're filling yourself with guilt, remorse, and resentment, and that can prolong the agony.

Focus on the love you feel, if you can. Emotionally feed yourself what you need. Emotionally and physically feed your child what she needs, and soon it will change.

As my father said, "this too, will change!"

[wealhtheow]

My son was a very high-needs infant--he would only be soothed by me, and wanted to be carried around constantly. Even with my Mobywrap, it was draining on so many levels to pace around the house for hours during his fussy period in the afternoon. To be frank, my memories of how hard it was for the first 8 months are not an insignificant factor in our decision to put off trying for a second for a little longer. I need my son to be a little more self-sufficient before I can contemplate going back into that again.

It honestly might not get much easier for a long time, but it gets BETTER. Wait until she hugs you, or kisses you, or tells you she loves you. When she starts doing things to make you laugh. When she tells you how pretty you are or how you are her best friend. It gets better.

We just hit three over here, and if there is anything more adorable than a good-mood 3yo I don't know what it is. My theory is that this is to ensure that you don't tell them to play on the yellow dotted line the rest of the time, because he is also largely a rotten hellbeast for a fairly significant amount of time. Honestly, I'm enjoying the hell out of his toddlerhood, but there have been a couple days when I have walked out of the house less than 5 minutes after my husband walked in. NO ONE enjoys every single moment. You enjoy as much as you can, and endure the rest.

[mom2boy]

Oh I really hated the baby stage because I was flat out exhausted all.the.time. He never slept well and was cranky most evenings and every time he woke up pretty much until he turned two. And yet there were plenty of the moments that Moxie so perfectly described as the light of heaven shining down through my child. I held on tight to those and I also cried a lot. I cried by myself and with him and thought I would never, ever feel like myself again. I would hit wall after wall where I thought I simply cannot manage like this for one more minute. And then something would shift ever so slightly and I did manage to go on. He started sleeping longer stretches of time. Down to one wake up a night. Then at some point he started easily going back to sleep after he woke up instead of being awake for two hours wanting to play or screaming for an hour in the middle of the night. He got all his teeth in and the crying, fussy, fever from teething boy disappeared. These things all happened and while parenting a toddler is still challenging, I get a regular amount of sleep and there just isn't anything as soul crushing as parenting through sleep deprivation. IMO.

I distinctly remember being awake early one morning and I realized it was the first time since Tate was born that I was awake so early and he wasn't *and* I wasn't panicked about it. It does get better.

And I like MamaBird's advice to try less hard. I know I thought it all had to be perfect and if it wasn't working, I was doing it wrong. Sometimes things suck, sometimes they don't go according to the best laid plans, sometimes your kid just doesn't get the memo. Expectations can kill happiness especially when it comes to life with a baby/toddler.

[Kate]

I agree with Erin. With #1 I doubted every move I made--except for nursing--for the first 12 months, probably, even though in the end I think the more "instinctually" I parented the better she did.

With #2 I was not a disaster. Experience counts.

BUT. I also agree with Shannon, in that it is hard to adjust to the on-call all-the-time of it. I climbed out by degrees. Book club here, jogging there. It took probably until my kids were 4 and 2 to really feel like I was anywhere near my pre-baby intellectual capacity and confidence (though about entirely different things than I was pre-baby).

My husband is itching for baby #3. Loudly. I am extremely hesitant, because I am not sure that I *want* to fall down the rabbit hole again. I have no doubt that the way I parented age 0-2 was GOOD for my kids. But it was ALL CONSUMING--plus we have the two older ones. Who turned out great but are not exactly independent (PreK and 1st grade now). My husband works full time plus (60 hr weeks are common for him) and I am having difficulty explaining this to him without sounding whiny.

[anon]

I am finding 2 years (27 months) so, so hard; much harder than the first year. But that might be because I have a seven month old as well. I can't believe that I'm going back to work when both kids hit stages marked by separation anxiety and sleep regressions. Not that either sleeps now.... So, I hope it gets better, but I'm not sure when.

[JCF]

This is so good to read this morning. I have a newly 3 year old, an almost 2 year old, and a 4.5 month old. We just returned from visiting family out of state for Thanksgiving, and I don't think all three children were EVER asleep at the same time for 5 days straight. I'm starting to feel loopy. At this point, visiting family is fun but also a LOT of HARD, HARD work. I am now feeling down about our upcoming Christmas trip and my ability to cope, as well as the prospect of every holiday in the future. This is giving me hope that things will one day be relaxing and fun on trips again (I'm sure not pre-baby relaxing and fun, but I hope not like now).

To the OP--my two older kids were TERRIBLE sleepers until about 14 months and then things just magically got better at that point for some reason. I don't know what it was, but it happened to us twice! It was definitely hardest with my first because it was hard to believe what people said about it improving. But really, hang in there. It will get better. No one can promise a certain time when it will for your kid, but one day you'll look back on it and feel like the lack of sleep was a blink in time. I promise.

[Hanginginthere]

Wow, is this post coming at the perfect time for me. I'm an older SAHM to my 8-month-old after many childless years working in the IT field, and I've seriously hit rock bottom with the unending awful sleep deprivation and the day-in-day-out drudgery and constant on-call baby duty and housecleaning and never having a day off, never getting to have more than an hour or two away from my son (even though I adore him, I really do). I feel like a terrible mother for not enjoying this time that I'm so very lucky to be able to have with him. I don't even feel like decorating for Christmas this year. The thought of buying gifts, making cookies, putting up the tree, and all the other holiday experiences that I've normally looked forward to with great anticipation and joy just makes me want to hide in a closet and cry. That I might have YEARS more of this life ahead of me is depressing beyond belief. The comments here are giving me some hope that things will get better some day.

[Diana]

I was up from 12am-4am Saturday night with my twins who seem to be going through their 15 month growth spurt. I love them to the end of the earth, and I actually like babies, but I felt pretty rotten about the whole parenting thing right then.
I don't have any advice to offer except to try not to overthink it. This being my second time around the parenting block I've realized how much added stress I gave myself by all the research and thinking I did about the eating and the sleeping and whether she was hitting her milestones with my first child.
I find that even though these babies (and there are two of them) are much worse sleepers than she was, I am much more relaxed and I am enjoying them much more because I've just accepted that this is the way it is, and I do my best with the few brain cells I have left from the chronic sleep deprivation.
And I'm holding on to Moxie's promised nirvana of when they can talk and reason and do actually sleep through the night ;-)

[Jan]

You know, I do think part of what makes it hard is that cycle where something sucks, you do a ton a research and thinking and troubleshooting, the sucking somehow gets less and you think all that effort DID IT! and maybe it did, but it doesn't work forever and then all that work feels wasted because the solution didn't last forever.

True confession: I loved the baby stage, even though I did NOT expect to because I've never really been a baby person. But for me, it fit. I had one high-needs and one easy, and I loved mommy-ing both. I can't even explain it except that there was something about being needed that way, about knowing that I was the answer, that was just ... right for me. I guess the way I figured it, if I couldn't fix it for them, it was because it was un-fixable. I could be there and that was still the best thing available.

My problem is that now, now that they are older (5 and 6), I sometimes am not and do not have a solution. Hell, sometimes I AM the problem. And you know what? That is not going to get better or easier.

That's sort of a tangent, except that for the original poster, maybe you can take some comfort in the fact that your baby will not be a baby forever. Over time, your baby will become less and less of the things that are hard for you.

Meanwhile, I'm over here worried that the best of parenting is behind me and that I'm just going to get worse from here. :(

[Rudyinparis]

There's definitely something in our culture that exalts the baby stage, to the real detriment to those of us that are actually, you know, LIVING with a baby.

I now have a 7 year old and a 4 year old. The early years are like a weird smear of memories and emotional highs and lows. It was tough. It was crazy. Crazy hard on me, emotionally and physically (how did I do it? How did I ever go to a job and function while being up every so many hours throughout the night--for months??) Crazy hard on my husband. On our marriage.

I am just now catching up on my sleep. Catching up on the laundry! Catching up on the grime on the baseboards and the crayon on the wall. Just now. Finally.

OP, I love it, because you know you have a lot to be grateful for. Yep. Just hard to keep it in perspective. Those 2 sentences there tell me you got yourself a baby, fersure. And it's hard! Just get through one day at a time. You can do it! It does often suck. Did I mention that?

[Courtney]

This post is such a welcome breath of fresh air, I can't even tell you! But, THANK YOU. I am due with my first in February and while I am so excited to parent a CHILD, I have never been a huge fan of infants, perse. Even now when people hand me their babies I am like, Um, no thanks. Don't get me wrong - I am so excited to be a mom - but I am excited about the childhood and beyond stages...I will pour my all into the infant and toddler stage as well of course but what I am really excited about are the later stages...not the spitting up and diapers and lack of sleep, LOL.

[Susan]

What a beautiful answer, Moxie. Thank you, from the mom of a wild 19-month-old boy and wife to a man who wants to have another. Whew! I'm having a hard time convincing myself to do it again.

[Barb @ getupandplay]

Hang in there. You're doing a great job. My little guy didn't sleep super well and I finally found peace by just letting go of the sleep battles. I just resigned myself to doing whatever worked best for us, as imperfect as it was, and tried to catch up on my sleep whenever possible. For me, the added stress of agonizing over every strategy was more exhausting than the lack of sleep. I honestly prayed to God one night for the answer and turned it over to Him. There wasn't a lightning bolt answer, just peace that it would get better. And eventually (right around 11 months for us), he started sleeping through the night finally.

[BiteSizeTherapy]

@ Moxie -
I think people who enjoy having babies are nuts. Like seriously insane.

Um, yeah. Babies are really tough. So, why is this one the first places that I have ever read this?

Thanks to Moxie for telling it like it is. I have found that most people sentimentalize parenting, and de-emphasize the challenges. It is like they are either: a) afraid to tell you or, b) in denial themselves.

I am not trying to say that parenting is without joy - of course, there are many joyful moments. But as Moxie points out, the younger the child, the lower the ratio of good to bad. It is just that simple. I think new parents would benefit a great deal from hearing the truth and being validated for feeling overwhelmed. The Hallmark card version is not reality for most people with a little baby.

[Susan]

I also want to add one piece of advice for the OP. If you have the opportunity, ask or let your family keep your baby for a weekend. Or, have your hubby keep your baby and take a short trip by yourself.

I send my son to my mother in law for a weekend about once every three months, and it's amazing what those hours of solitude can do. Usually, I just sleep in and sit on the couch -- no agenda to clean anything or be productive in any way. It can be just what the Dr. ordered.

I honestly think such a weekend kept me from sinking into depression when my baby was 6 months old and I, like the OP, felt like it would never get better.

[Chiara]

My daughter is now almost 4 (OMGOMG) and as I think about these things, I wonder a lot whether I'm remembering things as they really were. I *remember* that I LOOOOVED the baby stage. Then I say, well, except for the nights when I sat up crying with desperation for sleep. And the fact that she couldn't tolerate being put down (like, blow a blood vessel screaming). And the severe separation anxiety combined with refusal to take a bottle that started at 4 months, so we completely gave up on babysitters and have yet to get back in the habit of doing things as a couple.
But I found toddlerhood so intolerable that the days I spent with her nursing, or contentedly in my arms or the ever-present Snugli seem like nirvana. See, back then she couldn't run away from me and destroy things and risk killing herself!
The best thing I did for my own sanity was start a mothers-day-out preschool. I wish I'd tried it sooner (but the separation issues...) I have really loved parenting more since she turned 3, although this stage has its own problems.
Overall, I think the biggest issue is just my own identity crisis of being a SAHM after years of working and being GOOD at my job. I feel like I suck at this [looking around at messy house and feeling "meh" about it]. I've started saying that for me its like the old quote about democracy: the worst form of government, except for all the others. This job is the worst job for me, except that it still beats the alternative (for a lot of reasons specific to me, not meaning to speak for others).

I agree SO MUCH with the others above saying let go of whatever you can let go of. (Definitely any outside pressure and expectations.) The more children I know, the more convinced I am that parents can do next to nothing to change how they are. Or, really I should say: WHO they are.

[laura]

I swear, we need to start a series of viral videos for PARENTS called "It Gets Better."

In my experience, the "smooth periods" are few and far between, and VERY short lived in the first year. So far, I've had two nights in the first nine months of Dd2's life where she's slept for longer than 3.5 hours at a stretch. Those are the smooth periods. The rough bits are the weeks of nothing but 45 minutes at a time. I'm really not safe to drive, honestly, but life goes on and groceries have to be got!

I remember heavenly light, and puppies and rainbows starting at about 18 months. I still didn't want another kid - was TERRIFIED every month during the countdown to my period - but I at least had gotten to the point where I was enjoying the one we had.

I want to encourage you that your research and deliberate parenting approach will totally pay off if applied during toddlerhood and early preschool years. In babyhood, it's really just survival. But when it's time to discipline and start actually training the little animals to be humans - your arsenal of research and a good framework of expectations will be your friend. Good, consistent discipline really makes things more pleasant for everyone!

But for now, just muscle through. It sucks - let yourself admit how much you hate it. Grieve for the life you've lost. Find a way to sneak off for a night and SLEEEEEEEP if you can. xx

[Olivia]

With my daughter, I enjoyed the first 15 months. Now that she is almost 20 months, not so much. She is shrieking whenver she doesn't get what she wants, wich means shrieking every 5 minutes. She is also yelling for MORE and MAMAAAA, and CAT. I have always been sensitive to loud noise and after 4 days straight with her screaming I was glad to come back to work.

I would say her cute moments still out number the non-cute, but I am definitely finding it challenging to be patient right now.

[Meghan]

I'm with the one anon commenter, and Olivia. The first year wasn't horrible. Now that DS is 27 months, I swear he sleeps worse than he did as an infant. I can't remember the last time he slept through the night. And when he cried as an infant, I could pick him up and comfort him. Now, if I pick him up while he's crying, he kicks me. He's not like that all the time...but those moments in time seem to stick more than the good ones. :(
The worst part is that I am pregnant again (that was a surprise), and am terrified of the next 5 years of my life. Terrified. Pretty sure I will be the first parent to fail at having 2 children.

[nonnyme]

I got a late start and figured I'd have two close together. Now I know that I am not one of those moms that can have two children close in age and not go insane - it would mean deep emotional scars for my kids. All of you out there that have closely spaced kids and are keeping it together, you have my deep awe and respect.

I figure I would be able to handle a 3.5 - 4 year age gap, but I'll be well past my own personal cut off point; too old. I'd have another right now if I could jump straight to the stage my little one is right now (2.5).

[anonforthisonetoo]

amazing post, thank you so, so much. i have changed my entire life plan based on my reactions to the infant and young toddler stage. always thought i wanted more than one, but can't even imagine going through that again. I feel guilty for being so selfish, tortured at the thought i might regret this choice much later in life, but yet. . .can't. even. imagine. going through that again.

[Kristina]

Thank you to Moxie and thank you to all these posts. It is so nice to not feel like a bad mom. I hated infant and I am not liking toddler stage very much.

At almost 2.5, DS is world's better than his first 2 years. It gets better, but I have post traumatic stress from colic, horrible teething and sensory processing disorder/late talking. My only blessing is he sleeps through the night. Of course, I am debating keeping in a crib until he starts kindergarten.

He is an only child and we will no way be having another one. We are counting the minutes until he is 5.

[the milliner]

@Rudyinparis, You said it. My experience exactly to a T. Well...so far at 2.5 years.

The one thing I want to add is that for me the hardest thing during all of this time from infant to toddler years is managing my own Type A personality and it's desire to problem solve, problem solve, problem solve.

It's hard to let those things go (napping/sleeping, eating, tantrums etc.) and to resign yourself to the fact as many have mentioned above that a) you have no control and b) you can't always problem solve it. It's especially hard to let those things go when they affect your sleeping, eating, emotional stability and general well-being.

Just now at 2.5 years I am starting to be able to differentiate between when to problem solve and when to do whatever is necessary to retain my sanity. And to recognize when those 'whatever is necessary' periods are upon us. They creep up sometimes and it's hard to recognize when you went from an 'off day' to a 'phase that seriously kicks your ass'.

Sleep deprivation on top of everything really clouds your judgment, so it makes it that much harder.

But yes, I will throw my hat into the 'it gets easier' ring. It really does.

[lolismum]

Try less hard. You cannot force them to sleep, you cannot force them to eat. You cannot force them to play on their own. You can only force yourself to care more or less. Don't hover, don't research, don't overplan, don't try to fix the baby. Baby is awake, well be with the baby, baby is asleep, sleep yourself, or take a bath, relax. Don't plan your life around the baby. This is really hard to understand as a first time parent, I did not either. But when number 2 comes along, you have a lightbulb moment of , "we'll roll with it." Roll, as much as you can. You feed them, you love them, you stimulate them, good for you. Now, put the little monkey in a stroller, go out and get yourself a giant hot chocolate and a cookie the size of your torso and take a big deep breath. This too shall pass, although not until about 3 years. You will get through this, millions of us have done it and know exactly how you feel.

[Erin]

I just wanted to add to my earlier post, to those of you who have expressed fear of having a #2: I totally get it, and don't want to presume that all experience of a #2 are the same (I know this is not the case!), but wanted to add this data point: I found #2 so. much. easier. Because I had learned to let go, and what I wasn't going to get worked up about, am less anxious about things, and I had already adjusted to the unrelenting nature of parenting (which was the hardest part for me). I've enjoyed #2 so much more as a result, even with the disastrous sleep. Your experience with #1 doesn't necessarily determine your experience with #2 (in terms of your emotional state or the child's personality).

[Erin]

@Laura: OMG, YES. Let's start it!

[Cloud]

I wish I'd read something like this when my first was little, because, yeah- I constantly felt like I was failing as a mother. I have strong memories of pushing my baby around the neighborhood for her nap and crying because WHY COULDN'T I GET HER TO NAP IN HER CRIB??? I MUST SUCK. Um, yeah. No, I didn't. She just had a hard time falling asleep. (But hey, she can fall asleep on her own now, despite the dire warnings from folks about how I was spoiling her by not forcing the issue earlier.)

My own mom kept trying to point out how my baby was thriving, and that was really all that mattered, not whether or not she would nap for me, and I wouldn't really believe her. So chances are I wouldn't have really believed Moxie, either. I guess I had to come to it on my own. But she's right.

I went on to have a second baby, and it has been soooo much easier this time around. Part of that is that baby #2 actually slept and napped in her moses basket when she was little, and is over all a much calmer, easier to soothe little girl. But part of it also is that it was my second time around. As several people have noted, the experience helps, if only because you really, truly understand that it is all just a phase. But you know what also helps? The fact that I am comfortable as a mother now. With my first, I was still trying to find my new identity as a mother. And that is harder than we usually acknowledge, too. Or at least it was for me. I'm getting slightly better sleep this time around (which is HUGE and don't let anyone tell you that the sleep deprivation of early parenthood isn't a big deal), but honestly, I still think that the fact that I'm comfortable in my mommy skin is the biggest reason that I'm finding things easier this time.

@Meghan, @Olivia, @anon (the people who are finding early toddlerhood harder than babyhood)- that would be the case with my second baby, too. She was the sort of little baby who is like a little advertisement for having babies, all snuggly and cute and laid back. Now, she gets so frustrated and is exerting her own will more. Luckily for me, the experience factor has kicked in and I know that things get a lot easier when the baby figures out how to communicate. My number 1 suggestion for this age? Baby signing. I think it accelerates the learning to communicate process and honestly, even if it removes only one frustrated outburst a day, it is worth it. Besides, a baby signing "more" is just about the cutest thing around.

[Erin]

Sorry for the multiple posts, but I just realized my response to Laura was incoherent - I was referring to the idea of starting It gets better- Mommyhood edition.

[Carrie]

For us, life was pure hell until he turned about 2. Things got better when he turned 3. Now that's he's five I don't know what to do with myself. He is so awesome! And sure, we have moments, but it is nothing like parenting a baby/toddler. I forgot life could be this good.

To survive those years I went to the gym almost every single day and maxed out my time in childcare. I also bounced around from moms group to moms group until I found a group that fit me.

[ACJ]

Oh the tyranny of Doing It Right! Of Finding What Works! Of Loving Every Minute!

Fuck 'em.

I think parenting is a real kick in the ass to any woman who has ever enjoyed any success doing just about anything else. We learn that our own efforts can have predictable, measurable, appreciated outcomes.

Then we have babies and overnight our own efforts have inconsistent and unpredictable outcomes, the measurements of success we hear about are lies (truth: babies are meant to eat and sleep in small bits and pieces - what is "success" for most of them feels like the darkest pits of hell to many of their mothers, and yet we all think Through The Night In Six Weeks [or months] is reasonable) and through the course of a day, you'll hardly ever hear a Thank You, never mind an "awesome job - you're really making a difference here."

My own peace with parenting (kids are now 3.5 and 2) came when I decided that what "works" is what makes *me* feel most whole, most peaceful and least angry. It is so much easier to live with children who are doing what they're supposed to do (sleep in short stints, eat sparingly, explore the world, test boundaries, see how things work, become their own selves...) and focus my energy on guiding that process rather than on turning them into Tracy Hogg's (or mother-in-law's or [insert other person here], or frankly, pre-child-me's) version of success.

All that to say to the OP and the rest of us, this is hard work we're doing. Success isn't being able to say "it's so easy" - it's being able to say "I did it." "It" being, got up and faced the world. Again.

Keep on friends. Keep on.