Self-care during the bad stages

I've been hearing from people with kids in the special rough patches of little-kid parenting, specifically those 2 1/2 and 3 1/2 and then almost-5 stages, when many children are just truly beastly.

I think there's this cultural idea that once you're past the first year, or maybe past the "Terrible Twos," that kids all get easy and any misbehavior is the result of bad parenting and what-the-hell-do-you-mean-you're-tired-you-have-a-three-year-old? But, wow, is that not true.

In a lot of ways, I think having preschoolers is more psychologically traumatic than having a baby is. At least with a baby you can recognize that things are off. Sleeping in 3-hour chunks, feeding another person from your own body, being responsible for another being that can't talk--those are all things that you can easily say are not the normal state of an adult human being, so you can cut yourself a break because you know this is just now. Youa re doing the job you're supposed to be doing for this baby right now, and it won't last forever.

Having preschooler, though, is mind-twisting because in a lot of ways your life is somewhat normal again. You may be sleeping all night (or at least in 5 hour stretches again) and your child may be spending strecthes of time away from you so you have a little mental separation, and at the very least they can tell you about immediate problems.

And yet the needs and wants and moods and independence and dependence and seething rage at your continued stifling influence over their lives!

Knowing it's normal helps. But being in an almost constant battle--for months on end--with someone you love more than anyone else but who can never take a step back is brutally exhausting.

I want to remind all of us to cut ourselves a whole lot of breaks when our kids are going through these rough stages. And also think about how our own rough stages seem to happen right at the times of heightened need for our kids, so it's a double accumulation of raw nerves.

I found it helpful to attempt to remember (not always successfully) that the stage wasn't the person. In other words, just because my child was filled with rage and rebellion and absolute resistance to any idea I came up with did not mean that my child was that way inherently. Instead, it was the stage talking. So I just had to tread water and attempt to interact with the actual kid, if possible, and just ignore the stage if I could.

One thing that I started doing was really looking at what made me feel competent and happy as a person and making a specific effort to do those things. Sometimes it got a little ritualistic (my coffee schedule, for example) and made my kids mad (surprisingly, they do not appreciate Busta Rhymes' "Woo Hah! Got You All In Check" like I do). But it was good for my job (many of my work tasks are things I feel good at) and good for my mental health, and I will do it again when we hit the next rough spot(s).

Are you cutting yourself some slack? Are you letting yourself be good at things you're good at, even if parenting doesn't seem like one of those things this month? If you were your best friend, what would you say to you?

Comments

[Eva]

Thanks for this. I'm finding 4 (X2) to be a particularly challenging time, and there's been a lot of self-blame and guilt about my quality of parenting. So, I needed to read this today!

[SarcastiCarrie]

If I was my best friend, I would tell me that I am doing a great job, even if it doesnt always seem like it. And I would tell myself that I don't have to be perfect. Most parents are far from perfect and the kids turn out fine (not perfect but just perfectly acceptably, productively, happily fine).

I've also come to terms with the fact that I am not good at being a SAHM. I'm a good WOHM. We all need our space. And that's OK. Most people don't think ill of fathers who WOHM, so I'm taking a stand for equality and not taking it personally.

[Frustrated]

I really needed this today. I'm finding 6 to be almost as challenging as 3.5, especially when contrasted with the golden age of 5. Boy, do I miss 5! The monkey was so helpful, polite, and enthusiastic at 5. Now he is all Bad Attitude.

[Kristina]

Thank you! I really needed this today. My 27 month old son is speech delayed and has sensory processing disorder and is spirited beyond anything I thought possible! Sometimes it feels like I am stuck in this nightmare that just won't end, and I get so angry at everyone...even him and it is not his fault. Talk about guilt. I feel horrible that he is having such a hard time at life and then mad at myself for being jealous of people with "easy/textbook kids."

Thanks for reminding me of the light at the end of the tunnel even though I can't see it. :(

[Shandra]

I love the advice to see it as the stage and not draw huge conclusions forever.

[Shandra]

Oops, hit return too soon.

I think my husband and I are good at reminding each other about this. We have other failures as parents but this one we seem to breeze over...maybe we're too narcissistic about our parenting.

[Leah]

Boy did I need to read this today. The 4.25 year old is making me insane lately. And she is perfection, like the absolute picture perfect 4 year old with everyone else, her teacher, father, grandparents, etc. But with me? I swear it's like the exorcist some days. And with a 18 month old and a 2 month old too, I think pretty soon MY head will be spinning around. And I know about all the "she feels safe with me so she acts out knowing she's unconditionally loved" whatnot. But I really wish she weren't pushing all of my Lose-My-Shit buttons on a daily basis.

[Judy B]

I soooo need a BFF to pop up and give me a pat on the back. We're actually in an okay stage (2.5 this December though), but a bunch of other aspect of life are getting pretty rough.

Anyone else getting tired of their "if you want it done right, do it yourself" personality? It's dimming the spark these days.

[Rudyinparis]

Oh, how I wish I had heard this when Eldest was 3-5. I still feel kind of traumatized from that stage, to be honest! I'll probe her, to see how much she remembers (beacause I still feel a lot of grief and guilt over the anger I would express, and I'm not sure that will ever go away, probably SHOULDN'T ever go away...) She doesn't seem to remember her rages, my rages in response {shudder}... Now, in hindsight, it comes into a clear perspective, the bigger picture. Well, and there was a new baby, too. The positive--very positive--is I was so freaked out by my inability to stay calm that I pretty much totally changed my lifestyle, took up running, yoga. And these things have been such a gift! And Eldest is now okay! I'm going to make a point to feel really grateful today. Thanks, Moxie.

[Cloud]

For me, knowing that some of the most frustrating things (like the boundary testing) are actually signs of good, normal development helps.

Maybe this is why our ongoing potty issues are so hard for me to handle with grace? Because that doesn't seem so "normal" to me. But on the other hand, I don't really think it is a sign of a deep, important problem, so maybe I'm just peeved at all the laundry.

I like the idea of "it is not the kid, it is the stage."

My sanity is also saved by the fact that I am a WOHM. Seriously. Like @SarcastiCarrie I am just not cut out to be a SAHM. And yeah, I don't feel bad about that at all anymore.

[Julieta]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 4 yo and 6 yo. 'Nuff said.

[jj]

Kristina -

My now almost 3 1/2 year old has a severe speech delay (didn't know 3 1/2 was supposed to be bad - argh!). In my experience, being mad and jealous is completely normal. 2 1/2 seemed like a particularly hard time for me because the differences between my son and other kids was becoming pretty glaringly obvious even in every day interactions (thanks grocery store cashier who won't give my kid the balloon he's motioning for (pointing to his palm) until he says thank you. get to explain that he doesn't speak but that if you give him the damn balloon he'll make his gesture for thank you (tip of the hat motion).) What has made a huge difference for us/me was getting him in a private preschool specifically for communication disorders (including sensory processing disorders). We're really lucky to live in a community that has this program, but I didn't even know it existed until he was almost 3 (he started right after he turned 3). In addition to doing wonders for him (he talks now - it's amazing!), it has also provided me with a community of mothers and services that our Early Childhood Intervention service providers were not able to provide. In addition to recommending therapy programs and even a gymnastics program for kids with communication disorders, it's also given me a group to share my fears and frustations. Depending on where you are at, the Walks for Apraxia might be a good place to network with other parents. http://www.apraxia-kids.org/ There is light. Sometimes you just have search pretty hard for it.

[Laura]

I wanted to add something re: it's not the kid, it's the stage.

In general, I completely agree. But, I missed something major with one of my kids by assuming it was a stage and I still feel bad about it. He was 4 and having a hard time, both at home and at school. On the surface, all the issues could easily have been explained by it being a normal preschool stage. Regressions during key developments and all that.

In took me about six months to clue into the fact that he was struggling with some pretty significant anxiety and that his preschool was a really bad fit. Once we dealt with the anxiety and moved him to a different school, the issues went away.

So, the rough patches can be a stage--absolutely. In my son's case, though, I wish I had not been so quick to dismiss it as such.

[stephanie]

Hmmm, I wonder if I am unusual in this respect, but I found my son's infancy to be dreadful. I vastly prefer the challenges that come with parenting a pre-schooler because it's so much easier for me to see him as a person that I can work with, as opposed to a little infant lump that cannot communicate with me in ways other than crying. Perhaps I'll feel differently as time progresses and my son ages, but I'm really not as bothered by the daily ups and downs of late toddlerhood as I was the daily ups and downs of infancy. For me, that fact that he is growing into an interesting person seems to make up for the stressors in a way that an infant could not.

[anonforthisone]

8 weeks pregnant with #3 and newly turned 7 and 4 year olds. Lots of sass and eye rolls. Now they both call me Mom not Mommy. Very sad. Oh yeah and a lab puppy that isn't yet 1 year old. Yesterday was just awful. I feel all out of sorts and unable to keep up with the food/clean clothing/clean house trinity. Kept having to lay down because of a stop and go headache and nausea. No doubt fueled by the constant bickering and torturing of the dog with hugs and costumes. I decided to change OB-GYN practices yesterday too. I'd been going to one I never felt that great about since my last pregnancy. A good friend saw me after my 8wk appt and was like "Why not change? It's your body. Don't go somewhere you aren't happy with." I've switched to her Dr where there are only 3 Ob/gyns v. 9 obs 3 cnms and 2 PAs Talk about too many cooks in the kitchen! It's more personal their office is attached to the hospital I will deliver. Win Win in my mind. So I guess that's my example of what a good friend would say. Evaluate the relationships in your life. Are you happy with your doctor (if applicable) are there some friendships that could use some pruning. It may not be a direct correlation to your kids but your support group matters in how you process your life.

[ML]

Thanks for the post--3.5 yo is hard: he whines and resists my authority constantly. I sometimes feel scared that I'm losing my kid and I hate hearing Betty Draper's annoyed tone of voice come out of my mouth. (Not that she's a terrible parent, but her judgment is fogged by cultural norms and her own narcissism--which I sometimes also fear is me). Rationally, I think it's the stage, but I miss my kid's sweetness. I also think that having a 14 mo who's still bfing and thus sucks up (literally!) all my time doesn't help.

[Dawn]

I needed this one today - nearly 3 is kicking my ass, even though she's generally delightful for other people, and nearly 7 is bored at school, which is stressing me out. Then, they fight with each other, and like ML said, I hate hearing my annoyed voice telling them to knock it off.

I think if I was my best friend, I'd tell me to relax and try to take a nap, because I don't get enough sleep.

[Melba]

I'm with @Sarcasticarrie and @Cloud... not cut out to be a SAHM. And right now I'm a SAHM. Looking forward to going back to work in the new year at the end of my maternity leave!

And I've been in the feeling-like-a-lousy-parent boat lately too. What with the dentist telling me my daughter's teeth are messed up because of her thumb sucking (which I could have addressed sooner but didn't), that she has a cavity that needs to be filled (didn't get that back molar brushed well enough during the wrestlemania-teeth-brushing years of 18 mo - 3), and the latest embarassingly immature and irrational performance by me where I lost my temper, yelled a whole lot, and threw her Tinkerbell book out the window of our car. Yes, I did that. So not feeling like the best parent right now... but only of the 3 year old. I'm feeling like I'm doing a pretty good job with the 7 month old.

And I'm in the camp with @stephanie... although my 3 year old seems much more difficult to parent than my 7 month old, I agree with her sentiment that "it's so much easier for me to see him as a person that I can work with, as opposed to a little infant lump that cannot communicate with me in ways other than crying." When the baby is having a rough patch with sleeping or teething, it becomes all-consuming, all I think of day and night, until I come up with a solution to the problem. Which I never ever do, because its a phase that passes on its own. With the 3 year old, her incidents are isolated, over within a half hour, and we go back to being nice to each other again and talking like friends. Its true that its easier to see her as "a person I can work with" than the baby, who I feel I have no ability to "work with" at all.

[MrsHaley]

I am so relieved to hear 3.5 is supposed to be bad. I didn't realize. I thought I lived with a deranged lunatic. DE. RANGED.

I just started a part-time WAH job (8-10pm online) and it has put me back in touch with something I'm highly trained to do and enjoy very much.

It feels good to feel like I'm accomplishing something beneficial at the end of every day, since it seems like I can't prevent the lunatic from smearing FOOD all over her FACE and HAIR at every MEAL no matter what I say do or serve to her.

Part of this stage is also giving up the nap? And I simply cannot bear that. I can't. It would be a bloodbath around here if she didn't nap. So instead she lays in her bed and kicks the wall and sings for 90 minutes. Which is better??

3.5, I hate you.

[EmJay]

Thanks for the reminder. We are firmly planted in the 3 1/2 year old stage of resistance to everything. The list is endless and unavoidable. I wish I knew what to do to make it better, but I don't and I'm not going to let her become a tryant just because I'm tired. I feel like I'm trying to break her spirit and feel guilty, but really when I analyze it from a far it is about realistic boundaries and helping her learn to control her emotions. I try to focus on the small victories when we have them. I remind myself that as a mom one of my responsibilities as a mom is to teach my kids to cope with the world as it is, learning to handle "no" in a respectful manner is one of those skills.

[SarcastiCarrie]

@stephanie - I far prefer any toddler temper tantrum to a newborn...except that a newborn is pretty easy to deal with when you have an older kid as well. It's weird. When I only had one, I preferred older kids' problems, but when you throw multiple kids in the mix, the newborn seems easiest because the problems are so basic/primal (easy to fix) while dealing with the older kid stuff too. Time changes perspective, I guess.

[pennifer]

Timely here as well. Almost 3 is killing me slowly. The worst of it is, taken moment to moment, none of his behavior is really that bad. It's that the constant small conflicts, constant high volume, constant repetitive chanting, constant constant constant everything is turning me into a horrible horrible cranky humorless mother. I am ashamed and so so frustrated and worn out, especially in light of my own childhood memories of my mother and humorless and distant.

Bitter, bitter irony.

If I were my best friend, I would say, "You need a vacation and a massage. You're doing a great job. This too shall pass."

I just don't feel like I'm good at anything right now. Except frittering precious time.

[SarcastiCarrie]

@MrsHaley - Congrats on the job. Carving out a little space for yourself.

[Lucy]

@MrsHaley. I am so with you about the necessity of nap time.

Son 1 stopped napping for me aged 2 when I was 6 months pregnant. After a hideous month of battling with him to have quiet time in his room, which he ripped to pieces day after day, trashing the blinds after we took everything out, we moved to watching a movie.

He is now 4.5 and he stills watched a movie every afternoon while Son 2 naps.

This has helped to keep me sane, on the one hand. On the other hand, I wish that he wasn't watching the TV, and I also wish that we could have figured out quiet time in his room.

Kicking the wall and singing sounds good to me.

[Katy]

I'd like someone to say: you have permission to stop reading/researching about everything child related and to give yourself a break if you're not implementing every strategy/diet/play activity/exercise that could help your children grow up to be happy/healthy/successful/rich & famous. I'm always beating myself up that I could be doing more or that I'm missing something essential.

But things do seem to be getting better here with the nearly 4.5 year old - he's seemed more easy-going, less prone to total meltdowns over nothing lately.

That being said, I still can't stop reacting when he does the one thing that really pushes my buttons: deliberately hurting his 15-month old brother. Despite knowing it's an attention-getter, I still tend to overreact. The times I don't (and respond calmly with affirmations of "you must be feeling frustrated, do you want a hug" etc.) it goes much better. *sigh*.

Now I'm bracing myself for the littlest to start the tantrum/"no" phase...

[Thy]

Thank you Moxie for writing about this. You are so spot on. I am now in that blissful period between stages, just out of the almost five with my older and just before the terrible twos with my younger. If I were my best friend I would say pretty much what you said: It is a stage and it will pass. You will deal MUCH better with it if you take care of yourself. Eat, exercise, sleep, make time for yourself and your partner and friends.

[the milliner]

Am I cutting myself some slack?

Depends on the day. Today, yes. This week, yes. A few weeks ago? Not so much. When I am in the black pit of OMG-is-this-ever-going-to-end-what-is-he-doing-I-haven't-read-about-anything-like-this, well, it's hard.

What I realised in going through the last hard phase is that for me, it's the physical things that suck the life out of me, put me in that black hole, and make it so much more difficult to have perspective and to deal with the emotional crap going on at the same time. So, less sleep? Not so good. Add marathon BF sessions on to that and I'm ready to put hot pokers in my eyes. And I think what pushed me over the edge was not finding any reference to what I was experiencing with DS (until, thankfully, I did find one short post in the Moxie archives that described the marathon BF at 2+, Yay! I'm not alone!!!), so I felt really at a loss as to how to deal with the situation.

The other thing that I find hard (guilt inducing?) during these difficult periods is that I know DS is having a hard time and he needs me to be more patient, etc., but that I'm soooo exhausted that it's so hard for me to provide that for him.

The other thing that I think can make the bad stages of little-kid parenting so hard is that if you are sleep deprived, you have accumulated the sleep deprivation over 2-3+ years. It's not 'new' sleep deprivation. The novelty has worn off. I think the longevity of it all is really, really hard. I have no idea if scientifically this holds true (i.e. sleep deprivation gets worse as it accumulates), but it certainly feels that way.

Am I letting myself be good at the things I'm good at?

I think for the most part, yes. Being a WOHM really helps in this aspect as it does provide breathing room and head space.

If I was my best friend, I'd say:

"Remember that you always get through to the other side, no matter how difficult the situation is. And trust your gut feeling. Your gut feeling is always right. ALWAYS. Do what you need to do to get through the day, make changes/take action when you can and it will all come together at some point. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to DH. He's probably as stressed/tired/fed-up as you are."

@Judy B, we're in exactly the same age range. I am fearing 2.5. FEARING IT. 26 months was hard enough. I honestly can't imagine worse (OK, I can, but I don't want to go there).

@Laura, I definitely agree that there is a balance regarding 'It's not the kid, it's the stage'. I'm the first one to attribute behaviour to a stage, rather than the kid. But I'm always thinking 'is there something I'm missing / need to look more closely at / something I'm contributing to the situation - for better or worse?'.

I read recently (in 'Your 2 Year Old - Ames & Ilg, I think) that a behaviour being part of a stage does not mean you do not act on it. This was an important differentiation for me. I'd struggled with things like knowing that DS throwing toys was probably a stage, but what to do about it? Didn't feel right ignoring it. And it didn't feel right assuming this was something that was part of his personality. Knowing that I still needed to address and deal with the situation, but also cutting myself some slack if my solutions/parenting didn't seem to take effect immediately.

Beyond being observant and aware, I'm not sure there's much else we can do when these things crop up. It's so easy to say 'I wish I had...' after the fact. But the reality is, in the moment, with the information we have, sometimes we have to make an educated guess. And sometimes we'll be wrong. And I think in reference to a daycare/preschool situation it's doubly hard because if you pull them out and it was just a phase, not another issue, then you've disrupted their life, perhaps for nothing. So hard to win on that one. We're contemplating something similar now. DS seems to be doing OK at his daycare, but the quality of the daycare is going way down, and we want to get him out before the only good educator leaves. But where to go? Not a lot of options here (so hard to get a daycare space). We have one other option, but not so sure it is better - do I really want to put DS through the change (he's quite sensitive and slow to adjust to change) if it's not going to be much better for him? Argh. I feel your pain and at the same time want to say 'Please cut yourself some slack'. You solved the issue. Maybe not as quickly as you'd have liked, but you did figure it out.

[Brooke]

No, I am not cutting myself slack, even though I know I need to be.

4.5 is kicking my ass. My daughter has started hitting and being mean. It's embarrassing to be in public with her. I've never really gotten stranger parenting advice or comments before, but this past week has been brutal. My son just figured out he's about to turn two and is getting into EVERYTHING.

Add on top of that my partner diagnosed with a scary, probably degenerative disease that is making her weak and tired, so I am doing more of everything. I *know* that this is scaring my daughter and making her clingy/angry, but I can't seem to cut her much slack either.

Add on top of that, I haven't found a job. And I am NOT cut out to SAH.

I am just drained. And I yell a lot. And I am having trouble sleeping, so I'm even more tired than usual. It's rough over here at the moment.

[the milliner]

And oh yeah! One more point (like I didn't already write enough in my previous post): I find that usually I'm at least a full week in to the 'bad' stage before I clue in to what is up. By that point I'm completely wound up, exhausted, frustrated, etc. that it takes a lot more for me to get back to normal.

...She says as she writes a mental note to cut herself some slack for not figuring out things sooner.

[MLB]

I love the advice about the stage and have a hard time seeing/remembering that with my oldest. It's easier with the younger ones because I can see it as recognizable stage rather than some horrible morph of his personality. I also applaud sarcasticarrie for standing up for her role as a WOHM. I too am a WOHM and I think we all need to stop defending the choice, as she said. To be honest, I might be an awesome SAHM - I work for a variety of reasons and that's that. And I hope that we all are beyond the era of feeling like SAHM is the better choice and WOHM has to be explained. As she stated, no man would explain, no reason for us to.

[Kristina]

@jj...thank you for the link and your experience!!! I will start searching for a school like you mentioned for my DS. Hopefully there is something in my area.

[meggiemoo]

I am pretty awful at self-care, but trying to get better. I've been doing a 20-minute yoga routine at night after the kids are finally (finally!) asleep. It helps. Walking at lunch helps. Reading a book when I can helps (parenting books do NOT count).

My 18-month-old is obsessed with me. Clingy isn't the word. I adore her, but can't take a shower without her opening the curtain, crying and trying to climb in. My DS was past the obsessed with me stage by 12 months, so I'm befuddled. Any advice? She's awesome at drop-off, loves her daycare ladies.

My 4-1/2 y.o. DS is by turns infuriating, hilarious, serious, sweet. And sometimes all those things at once. If it's not the toddler having a tantrum, it's him. Sometimes both.

Ay yi yi.

[Henryxavier.blogspot.com]

Thank you. I needed this today. Especially after the passive-aggressive "I'm-a-better-parent-than-you" spew on your last post...

My son turned 3 in July and we have regular battles of stubbornness and wits. I know I'm not a perfect Mom, and I accept that. But I know in the long run - even with my inconsistent discipline and learn-as-we-go parenting - he will be okay.

Thanks for the slack.

[yasmara]

My problem is that 5 is great...ALONE. Put him together with 3.5 & it's HELL. 3.5 is actually not too bad...ALONE. If it's not 5 starting something with 3.5, it's 3.5 starting something with 5. I swear, they are both crying/whining most of the time when they are together. I'm just trying to hold on to my patience!

[L.]

We're at 3.5 with the older and I'm middling about it. It's much better than 2.5, when I spent a lot of time wondering if one of us was a psychopath. He's not mean that way now. But boy, we are getting pushback again on so many routine things, all the time: using the potty, wearing long-sleeved clothing now that it's getting cold again, taking a bath, going to bed when it's time. We *can* make him do it (hold him down and put on his clothes) but he's getting big and old enough to make that problematic, nor do I feel good about enforcing our will upon him physically. The alternative is persuading him or trying to make it a game or fun (tiring), letting him experience consequences himself (sometimes works, sometimes doesn't, or isn't practical).

He's also extremely talkative, which I know is a great gift in comparison with experiencing delays or apraxia, but it's completely nonstop. I have attentional issues and it's insanely tiring to never be able to complete a thought, internal or verbalized. Still I could totally live with it, but in combination with the willfulness, oy. I'm trying to appreciate him as best as I can. Actually the best thing that helps me is to remember that it's just a phase (the beginning of the school year and all the changes that come with do NOT help), and to try to appreciate as much as possible that he wants to talk to me as much as he does.

For that reason I really love your reframing ("it's the stage talking") and will see if focusing on that helps.

Ironically, I am getting a little more time with him these days due to a shift in daycare arrangements (I'm part-time WAH) and that seems to help in some ways. He probably enjoys the additional attention and I'm not as stressed by evening/weekend rush when we're together, I guess.

[flydog]

Oh, good. I thought my 3.5 was the only deranged lunatic. And apparently a different kid goes to camp and preschool, where they all say he's so SWEET and so CUTE.
I'm struggling with being a SAHM with a partner who works very long hours, and then bitches about the time I spend doing what I'm good at.

[enu]

21 1/2 and 19 1/2 is fabulous.... preschool was hard work! Hang in there. I still cut myself a ton of slack, because I am a total slacker. Trust me, it makes life easier ;-)

[Allison]

For me it's going running four times per week.

I'm very grateful to my husband, who lets me go on weekend mornings while he makes breakfast for the kids.

My mantra is "My life requires fitness!" It's totally true. When I'm not fit, I get so tired and grouchy and by the end of the day I'm unable to deal with *anything,* let alone three little boys, one of whom is three and has been my "difficult" one for oh, about a year and a half now. Sigh.

Actually, he is about to turn four on Nov. 1, and I think I'm seeing some progress toward the Stadium of Humanity. As long as we get *into* the ballpark, that's all I ask.

[Cloud]

@Brooke, I wish I could come over and make you a nice cup of tea (or pitcher of margaritas, your call). Life sounds tough right now. I hope things find a new equilibrium soon.

@L- your son sounds a lot like my daughter- including the hyperverbal part. That IS exhausting, isn't it? I'm determined not to start tuning her out, but... yikes. She is getting better about waiting her turn to talk at the dinner table. From the key phrases she uses ("Daddy! It is MY turn to talk now") i'm guessing that is due to something they've been doing at day care, because we hadn't started working on it.

Anyway, I have no advice (see yesterday's post!) but lots of commiseration. I wish you luck in choosing your battles wisely!

[kt]

always amazed by the timing of your posts. i cried myself to sleep on Monday night after two horrible days one-on-one with my two year old. she fought every single thing/every step of the way both days. Then yesterday my loving daughter reappeared. I was reminded by my mother that kids are probably most testy with their Mom. It helps to hear this too Moxie. thanks.

[Meghan]

I'm really starting to get nervous about 3.5! 2.5 nearly sent me over the edge, but it got so much better at almost 3, and now 3 is going well. I can keep my fingers crossed, right?

[Erica]

Amen to Stephanie! While my 2 1/2 year old son is a challenge, I'd take this over infancy any day. Like Stephanie said, he's a little person now that I can relate to. And he's so much more fun now. That said, I really needed this post today, this week. Just as he has during any other developmental spurt, his sleep has gone to hell in an hand bag and I'm starting to suffer again, to say nothing of having flashbacks to the first 2 years before he'd sleep through the night (yeah, that's right. Didn't do it until he turned 2.)and I was just so sleep-deprived. At least now he runs at me full speed and jumps into my arms with a huge smile when I pick him up at daycare.

[collected orange]

In our case, the 4.5 year old and the 6 month old are chill, but I'd say I'm the one going through a stage (the we just moved back home after two years abroad and it's true that you really can't go home again so now what stage). I remember versions of these from my own childhood--mom's diet fad phase, mom's exercise phase, mom's new hairdo phase--and I'm sure if they were older, they'd remember these months of mine as vividly. At least they're cutting me some slack while I'm so whiny.

[lisa]

Now that my daughter is the monstrous 4.5, and mostly sleeping thru the night, I do feel like a happier more empowered adult--able to act on a few of my own whims, thanks to regular sleep and preschool. BUT she was such a sweet, smiley, easy baby and I can barely remember it. I was sooo miserably sleep deprived, slow to adjust to the life change, and just downright resentful that I didn't really enjoy her. I wish I could have my baby back, but on the same schedule as my charming little monster.

I have been walking, swimming, and reading for pleasure (not child rearing) whenever possible. Can't wait until daddy and I can go for walks together again, and I can cook whatever the hell I like.

[Laura]

@the milliner: Thanks; my son is almost 7 now and he seems none the worse for my missing the boat when he was 4. At the time it felt like a BIG parenting fail but I try to focus on the lessons we learned, that I'll never be the perfect parent, etc. I'm a lot more watchful with all my kids during rough patches, though, which is probably good and hopefully not overly paranoid.

@Brooke: hoping calmer waters find you soon.

[Tor]

Urgh I also need this right now too.
And unlike Moxie's example, my about to turn 3 year old does not sleep well enough for me to get 5 hour stretches of sleep myself, doesn't spend stretches of time away from me (although that is getting better, we are nearly up to 3 hours apart once a week) and cannot talk well enough to tell me what is wrong. (and yes we have seen a paed about all 3. Repeatedly. Not that it's helped much.)

I am a SAHM, went through hell & high water to become one, and am surprised and disappointed to discover how much I suck at it. But circumstances mean I am stuck with it until he goes to preschool/school anyway. Meanwhile I am losing my mind, my already deteriorated health, and if things keep going like this, probably my marriage too. But I can't see a way out besides what we are already doing.

I found babyhood easier because I expected to not sleep throughout the night then, or for him to only cry not talk, and everyone elses baby was doing the same thing. But now the other kids are talking in clear complete sentences, going to daycare at least one whole day a week, the mums are working at least part time, and not only are the kids sleeping through the night, but so are their baby siblings only months old. I felt much more competent when he was a baby, and I thought the bad side was only temporary. I never expected parenthood to be so demoralising.

[Alanna]

Hmm, this explains a lot right now and M's not even 3.5 yet...

@Leah - "But I really wish she weren't pushing all of my Lose-My-Shit buttons on a daily basis." Hahahahaha! So there right now!

Thank God my marathon training gets me out of the house for a little "me time"! Is it bad that I prefer running 42km (26.2 miles) over parenting a toddler?

[Cloud]

Oh, @Tor! I doubt you suck at being a SAHM. It sounds like it sucks for you, but that is something completely different. I totally relate to how incompetent parenting can make you feel. Learning to handle that is the biggest (ongoing) challenge of parenting for me, I think.

I hesitate to offer any advice given yesterday's thread... but if I can't be an ass on the internet, where can I be? So here goes, but feel free to ignore what I say. I obviously only know a fraction of the situation.

When I've been in that dark place around parenting (and believe me, even as a WOHM with a job to remind me that I am a competent adult, thank you very much, I have been in that dark place many times), what has helped me the most is to break down the problems and pick out ONE or maybe two that I want to try to solve, and just decide to accept the others.

Since I fall into hundreds of quivering pieces if I don't get adequate sleep long term, I'd probably problem solve around that and around keeping my marriage healthy, and accept the others. But that's just me- obviously only you know what the big fires are for you. (And BTW, when I say problem solve around sleep, I mean around how to get enough sleep for YOU. I assume you've tried everything short of voodoo to get your kid to sleep more. But maybe your husband can take him off for some prolonged Daddy time on Saturdays while you nap. For instance.) Or, if you think it would all be better if the kid could just tell you what he wants before he starts screaming, you could try sign language (if you haven't already). Particularly since trying that starts with sticking a DVD in.... You get the idea.

I'd make you a pitcher of margaritas, too, if I could!

[hush]

@Leah - You just made me laugh so effing hard! "I swear it's like the exorcist some days. And with a 18 month old and a 2 month old too, I think pretty soon MY head will be spinning around. And the bit that @Alanna just quoted, too. Thank you for that!!

@anonforthisone (8 wks preg, 7 & 4 yo) - "It may not be a direct correlation to your kids but your support group matters in how you process your life." AMEN! Good for you for finding an OB who is a better fit for you personally. Best wishes to you!

@ML - "I hate hearing Betty Draper's annoyed tone of voice come out of my mouth." HA! me, too. I think "Mad Men" is an amazeballs show!

@Melba - "I lost my temper, yelled a whole lot, and threw her Tinkerbell book out the window." I have been there my friend! Like 2 nights ago when I was walking down the stairs with my 11 mo old in a heavy-ass carseat carrier, and suddenly my 2.75 yo starts grabbing my leg and yelling at me to stop walking down the stairs. Mama lost her shit - I was so afraid I was going to fall and hurt both of my children. I can't even get into the words that came out of my mouth. DH came running and asked me to go see a movie because clearly I needed a break - I scared him that bad. We had a talk later about how he felt I hurt DS's feelings... so yeah, I feel you on the guilt about reacting the way we never thought possible.

@Brooke - Just awful. Sending positive thoughts your way.

@Tor - Your second paragraph really caught my attention & made me feel concern for you. You sound depressed, and like you feel as though you have no options. It must feel horrible. I hope things get better for you soon.

[Emmie (Bettter Make It A Double)]

Almost five to just after was so awful with my twins -and theretofore the birthdays had been such lovely stages. It was a real shock. Later five has been so absolutely lovely with both - hang in there if you have an almost five, because you are in for a real golden age.