When your groove just comes back on its own

I have said this in real life to four people this week, so it's making me think it's something I need to say here: You turn normal again when your youngest one is 5.

I have no idea why 5 years old is the magical age. I did not believe it myself when a former boss told me that "everything gets OK again" when your youngest one turns 5. At the time, my younger one (who is veeeeery intense--not highly-spirited but some different variety of human anyway) was 2, and I could not imagine a time when he would not be sucking a ton of energy from me.

But I noticed a huge switch in the two months after he turned 5. I've talked about it with his dad, who noticed the same thing. It relaly is lke having two people now instead of children who need to have everything done for them.

In conversation with other parents of kids who've just turned 5 it seems to hold true for most of them. It's an energy shift that happens, similar to that energy shift you probably noticed when your child went from a baby to a toddler, only this one seems to be less work somehow.

And the end result is that your child is far more competent and masterful, and you notice more energy and emotional space.

Has anyone else noticed this and want to confirm it? Is there anyone who is in the Red Zone with little little kids who need to talk about that lack of emotional energy?

I think it's often easy to focus on how physically tired we are (even when our kids are techincally sleeping through the night) that we forget about the toll the constant on-dutiness takes on us.

Thoughts?

Comments

[Mitch]

We need to get the word out to our fellows going through the terrible 2's (which are also the 3's!). I also noticed that there is some maturation process going on, I feel it even more at 7 years old, it is awesome!
www.gaynycdad.com

[Miriam]

I have 2 1/2 year old twin girls who are very high energy and so very emotionally draining. My husband simply can not understand why I need to lay down to rest every day when they nap for 60-90 min. They go no stop from 7a - 8p except for the nap. I have NO energy for my husband at night - I simply shut down and want to go to my own happy place with my book and then to sleep. Age 5 seems like a long way off but at least there is a light to look forward to

[WaltzInExile]

I'm sorry, much like our copy of the liberal agenda, it seems my family didn't get the memo re: o hai, ur 5 nao, plz b nrrml. Could you please send an extra copy c/o Rabid Badger #2?
kthxbai

[anon]

I honestly think all newborns should come with a helpful 5yo sibling. Mine are 5.5, (almost) 3, and 2 months, and aside from the 90% probability that at any given point, at least one of them is screaming, it's actually easier in a lot of ways than when I had a 2.75yo & 2mo. 5 can be whiny and argumentative, but it's overall so full of awesome.

[anon2]

I'm just grateful to Moxie for calling it the Red Zone. I've been in and out of it over and over this summer, and I'm ambivalent about starting preschool because what if I miss her terribly and am at loose ends without her on me ALL THE TIME, and also what if it's STILL NOT ENOUGH time apart for me to start to remember some semblance of my earlier self? Oh, I am so Red Zone. Thank you. We'll get to 5 in 2.2 years, and I don't foresee us having another AND retaining any shreds of my sanity at this point, so it's nice to see that we're about halfway to regaining some normalcy.

[kteemac]

In my experience, this is absolutely true. When my daughter (first child) turned 5, it was like my life completely changed, stress was way down, and I was much happier. And then I got pregnant 5 months later. I actually cried when I told my husband (I was a wee ambivalent), because I had just started to feel like my life was becoming more of my own again. Of course, kid #2 is completely awesome and when I remember that ambivalence, I think, "Man, you were insane to worry about this!". BUT -- he's 3 1/2 and I cannot believe how much energy it takes just to be around him! Before I read your post, I told my mom just this morning that things will get so much easier for me in 18 months.

[Amy]

I think more than returning to normal, it is finding a new normal. I am entirely changed by my 5 and nearly 4 year old kids. Starting kindergarten has been really intense. Thought it would be a breeze : ). Good to hear there is relief ahead. The teenager stories scare me.

[Holly]

1,277 days to go! Glad to know relief is coming. Thanks Moxie! xoxo

[Elaine]

@Amy - I don't know about teens from a mom perspective yet, but I used to work with street kids. real bad a**es. Once I was ok with not being cool it got easier. Other than that developmentally it is very similar to the 2 - 3 year old stuff. The same things still work with teens that work with younger kids. Consistency with discipline builds trust and respect. This helps your loving actions and words hit their mark instead of being deflected. I know it will all be harder to go through with my own child, but my goal is to set the stage now. I see parents that are lax with their kids when they're young try to reign in with discipline when they get into their teen years. That rarely seems to go well.

[elana]

i have two 4 1/2 year olds and they are sucking the life out of me. i am ridiculously happy to hear this.

[the milliner]

Oh yeah. Red zoning it over here. Still in the middle of the 26/27 month / teething funk. Multiple night wakings again. Nursing for 45-60 minutes at a time... and he'd go longer if I could bear it (this, I find the hardest to take. DS hasn't done that since he was a baby, and I no longer have the patience). Not wanting to go down for naps, screaming at the top of his lungs 'Mama, Mama, Mama'. The tantrums, strangely, I can manage (except maybe when sleep deprivation is at it's worst). They are limited and for the most part can be avoided by telling DS what's up next (i.e. Two more Elmo videos and then we're turning off the computer).

I am totally emotionally drained and DH is on his way to being the same. I feel like the worst parent ever for not being able to figure this one out. I mean, it's not like I don't have experience with other sleep regressions. I can't tell if he's nursing so much because his teeth hurt, or he's going through some kind of separation anxiety or fear. I don't know how best to help DS and it kills me. Intellectually I know this will pass, I know each phase is different and can't always be managed the same way as the last one. But emotionally, I feel like I suck.

It's good to hear that likely, after 5, the groove comes back. But honestly, in the middle of the red zone, it just feels too far away. The crazy (and good) part of this red zone is that outside of nap time and middle-of-the-night time, DS is an absolute delight. He's laughing all the time, running and playing, a bit more independent, learning new words every day. Really fun. But maybe it's the rollercoaster of emotions that's killing me? DH & I both tend to prefer more even keeled emotional atmospheres, so maybe this is just our personal challenge - the fact that this stage for DS is the most challenging for our personalities.

Anyhow, as usual, a post that is well timed. Maybe something is in the air?

[CJ]

I'm going to print that post and read it every day with hope for the next 3 years.... :-)

[heather v]

Since the Louise Bates, Your ____Year Old Series has been right on the money for all the other ages I hope the 5 YO volume is called “Compliant and Calm.”

I have a good 4 ½ more years until we are golden as I have a 4 YO and 4 MO (boys.)

I can dream, right?

[Cecily T]

Good to know. I just hit the horrible 3's with my eldest, and with an 8-week-old sucking my sleep away at night (he's not so bad, but I can't pretend I'm not missing 1-1.5 hrs of sleep every night either), I want to climb out the window with the nonstop chatter and requests for play from the 3yo.

I really thought she'd be my saving grace while dealing with a little baby (she was also WAY hard as an infant, I had no idea a baby could be so easy until #2 came along), instead he's my 'timeout' from playing tea party/princess talk/dressing dollies.

I'm hoping that she turns out to be a helpful 4 and not a tough 4 like some said. I'm so ready for preschool to start!

[KatieV]

@heather v, "Compliant and Calm"--I love it. lol

[Emmie (Bettter Make It A Double)]

I have twin 5-year old boys, and I agree that 5 is a big positive change. Actually, after years of having the half-years suck, this year we hit a really rough patch right at turning five, and then it's been great since. At breakfast this morning, my spouse said, "Oh sure. They turn 5 and finally become agreeable and wanting to please you and calm down and NOW the state wants to take over for 6.5 hours a day!" My thoughts exactly. It's been a golden summer, and I will miss them.

[anon for this]

@ heather v:

Out of curiosity, I looked up the 5yo Ames and Ilg book. It's "Sunny and Serene." Sounds pretty marvelous to me! :)

[Kelly]

I think you hit the nail on this one. My oldest just turned 6 and he's a bit emotionally/maturitally(?) delayed, so his big shift came this summer and oh how I loved this summer!! It's convenient because my youngest is right in the middle of 3.5yo emotional "growth" so the drain is huge on me what with the whining and the non-stop-talktalktalk and the questions and the tantrums (he's very easy going and tantrums are new, from him, to us all). I'm grateful that #1 is starting school in a few days since it's time to get serious about potty training (yeah, not yet).

[hedra]

So, four data points, and I'd say that the obvious "ah, five!" was stronger with the boys than the girls. But the "ah, 3 1/4" was stronger with the girls.

Overall, it just keeps getting better. My groove is definitely on a new trend. Not even all the time, but generally way better than always sunk.

I also agree that it matters what personality type you are, and they are - introvert mom, extrovert child will remain SUCK. Very orderly mom and seat-of-the-pants-entropy-machine child will remain SUCK. But there's stuff you can get in there that can help (so, siblings get the suck sometimes! but sometimes it all clicks). I like the book MotherStyles for going through the 'how come I'm not like everyone else as a mom and my child isn't getting the memo either?' stuff... and also for showing me some of the value of the stuff that doesn't come naturally to me.

I generally am finding that my deep desire to write angst-filled posts exploring all the cr*p I am learning on a daily basis being a parent kind of *poof* evaporated around age 5, though... so certainly way less churn! Okay, good job helps, too, but I suspect that that constant-running-ness, the always trying to catch up to them, always discovering something ... that's eased off for now. And yes, it eased off right around 5 years old. For the youngests!

[TB]

Oh yes. My daughter is three days older or younger than your youngest (I forget which) and this shift has been really noticeable, and welcome. She is a real pleasure to parent, and is so darn reasonable that I'm actually surprised when she does things that only a little kid would do (hide her pajamas in the bookcase, eat toothpaste).

It's awesome.

[SarcastiCarrie]

For those in the red zone-red zone, may I tell you that somewhere between 18 and 21 months things got easier. Oh, we're tantrummy and not verbal around these parts, but I just don't care. Perhaps that's 5.5 years of sleep deprivation coming out, but you don't eat dinner? I don't care. You want to go outside at bedtime, I don't care. 18 months was liberating to me. I have enough time to finish one sudoku per week. I have taken up running (albeit after they go to bed), I have some semblance of a libido back. My head is in the game at work (sometimes). It's almost gotten good enough that I think about having a third (almost).

[Emily]

This is what I need to hear. Keep saying it. I have three under age 5 right now, and the emotional physical exhaustion is, at times, mind numbing. I think that I will be one of the few moms who really enjoys having older kids. I'm sure that I will miss a few of the baby-stage-things, but I really, really value watching my children grow, mature, and become the really awesome humans that they were created to be.

[B.A.]

As my oldest is 5 1/2, I can see how this might be true. However, my younger ones are twin boys who just turned 3, so I somehow see it taking much longer to get easier with them!

And Jill, yes, I've grown tired of the "they'll be grown before you know it" comments. I'm sure that's true, but it doesn't help me get through the day, you know?

[Jennifer]

I have a 4.5yo and a 2.3yo. In the past few weeks, I've noticed wonderful changes in the 4.5yo. He screams less, is genuinely helpful (to a fault at times, to be fair, but the intention is good), has a bit more patience (HUGE for him), and just generally seems to "get it" more. This morning, he got himself and his sister breakfast completely without an adult present and I did not come into a disaster in the kitchen. The empty yogurt containers were in the sink and Cheerios actually were in bowls. Weird.

SO, I think something is going to click for real in a few short months for him, and I look forward to the younger one getting there too.

[Celeste]

I so needed to hear this and all the comments. I also don't buy the "Enjoy it now; they'll be gone before you know it" crap. Little kids are hard!

Why are strangers on this board nicer to me than some people I know well, even one I'm related to?

[No name]

As someone who does not feel like a 'natural' mom in any way, I love my 4 y.o. daughter and being privy to her world of wonder and questioning in a way I could not have imagined even at 3 or anytime prior. She and I just returned from a fly-drive-explore a new part of the country trip (just the 2 of us, with stops at friends' homes along the way) that would have been totally out-of-the question until recently. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is a harbinger of more to come. I'm totally enjoying blending our interests, and no longer in need of subsuming all to (her) immediate needs!

[Snarky Mommy]

I have three under 5 right now (4.5, 2.5 and 9 months) and this gives me hope. I mean I want to tear my fingernails out one by one some days, but for the most part, the 4.5yo is trending toward awesomeness. The 2.5 yo? OMG, kill me now. And the scary part is I know how much worse 3 is going to be than 2 and I want to cry. But the 9 mo? Alle-freaking-luia, she is my savior. All smiles and chubby thighs, awake for two hours at a time, crawling but not pulling up, content to sit where you put her and play with toys, but also not sleeping through the night. Argh.

[Daisy]

Hmmm...two camps of posters here: (1) Yep, been there and (2) Really? Oh, thank the gods!

I am in the latter camp. As much as I am head over heels with my son, it's good to have something on the horizon saying "this will get easier." Daddies need to get this message too, because I think for them the sea-change to parenthood can be at least as (maybe more?) overwhelming, but with less communal support.

[Ami]

My neighbor/friend and I have kids with birthdays 6 months apart -- both our oldests and seconds. And we often compare notes on ages, and this is what I told her about 5: Five is awesome. Particularly for our boys, 5 made a huge difference. I think it's some developmental milestone for the kids. All I know is, 5 was my favorite age for my son. (8, by the way, not so much fun -- at least for my daughter).

[AmyW]

@J: re crankiness/tiredness you've been noticing in general lately, mercury is retrograde right now (has been since 8/20), and MANY of my astro-friends have noticed a sharp decrease in energy since this (long!) retrograde started (I certainly have). Mercury goes direct again on 9/12. Here's to hoping there really is something to that connection and that we get our energy back next Sunday! I find this blog a very helpful resource on the topic: http://inharmonyastrology.blogspot.com/

[Jennie]

I am in the red zone!! Two sons, almost 2.5 and 11 months and WOW. It's intense. Always.

I appreciate this post. So nice to know it does get better. Though honestly, I will have no idea who I am when I get to the other side, in five years. We'll see :)

[essay format]

My Vietnam-veteran uncle is very straight edge and sober. But, the nonsensical arguments are fun.

[Christian Louboutin Outlet]

Thanks Jenn and Bill for clarifying. I didn't realize this had been started last year. I think it's a great idea and hope it continues. Now I want to see who wins the big giveaway today!