Q&A: teaching table manners to toddlers

Here's an emotionally-neutral (I hope) question for today. Anna writes:

"I would love to hear suggestions on how to begin teaching table manners to toddlers.  I've followed my mother's advice to let my son (now 18-months) enjoy his food -- it's flavors, textures, smells, etc. -- which has worked well in developing a wonderfully adventurous (for now) little eater.  He'll try everything from snow peas to curries and certainly does have fun at meal times.

Lately, however, I've noticed his younger playmates seem more adept with utensils and family and friends are starting to expect better table manners from him when it comes to cleanliness and eating without his hands.  He can use fork and spoon but he usually casts them aside quickly and dives into his pasta, yogurt, whatever, with both hands!

How to I start to teach him how to use utensils consistently without making meal times a drag?"

First of all, I think your mom is a super-genius for encouraging you to let him experience foods with all of his senses. I'm betting that probably has a lot to do with your not getting some of the eating pushback that a lot of other toddlers start giving around the 16-20-month mark. Since he's able to explore, he's not trying to exert control by refusing to eat.

With that in mind, I'll suggest that you make table manners a fun game. Some kind of Simon Says thing, or follow the leader, in which you use a spoon and he follows by using a spoon. Or singing a special song for each utensil while he's using it (similar to the "clean up, clean up" songs every preschool in the world uses to signal to kids that it's time to clean up). Or contrast "monster eating" (if he watches Cookie Monster) with "people eating" and let him take turns doing both.

In other words, if you can make it a fun new thing that becomes part of the experience instead of something that's taking the place of the way he's been eating, he'll take to it with more enthusiasm. Eventually, he'll figure out that forks are more efficient than hands (sometimes). And he'll be positively rewarded for using utensils and staying cleaner, so he'll just migrate that way in his behavior.

Also, try not to just him completely against other kids. Bear in mind that some of them have probably never been allowed to feed themselves (how many times have you seen parents holding a toddler's face and shoveling in the food so the toddler can't control it?) so they don't even know that food has more dimensions, and for them using a spoon is wacky rebellion.

It'll all come eventually. But probably not until he's at least 3. So think of it as more fun and more learning about being a person in society, and not enforcement with a pass/fail rate.

Anyone else have anecdotes or tips or comments?

Comments

[Amy]

Oh, boy. This one raised a whole lot of anxiety for me, not because my 4-year-old's *eating* manners are poor, but because her general ability to be present with her meal (and the company at the table) is atrocious. She cannot, will not eat more than two bites without huge intervention and encouragement. In desperation, I still find myself either a) voicing her food like cartoon characters ("I'm mister cucumber! I want to go in your belly and play!") or b) putting spoonfuls of food into her mouth after 10 minutes of trying to refocus her attention on her meal, and seeing *clearly* that she needs to get her blood sugar back in order, ASAP. She wiggles, chatters, gets under the table, gets up to "just get one more thing!" and so on. I don't expect her to sit perfectly still, to be sure. Nor do I expect her to sit for 45 minutes while the adults finish their meal. But I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get her to sit, eat an appropriate amount, and flipping stop climbing under the table to pretend she's a squirrel! Worst is when she's at the table with her 3-year-old cousin, and she eggs him on.

I'm doing somethign wrong, aren't I?

(As for eating manners, she's doing OK -- when she eats. Still uses her fingers a lot for big pieces of pasta, broccoli, etc, but it doesn't bother me for now.)

[Schwa de Vivre]

@ Dr. Confused: You're not the only one.

[SusanOR]

Amy,
It's time to start letting her have responsibility for her actions & the consequences therein.

Right now, you're doing all the work (cajoling, entertaining, forcing). By 4 years old, she has the ability to understand "Now is the time for eating, not playing..." BUT: you have to back this up. I give my 4 year old options and a time-line for things like eating or getting ready for bed. Goes like this:
Dinner is time for eating, not singing. You can sing AFTER you eat your dinner.
Dinner will be over (or lights will go out) in TEN minutes. (Then I give 2 minute updates - 8 minutes, 6 minutes, 4 minutes, 2 minutes -- with NO CAJOLING -- this takes enormous effort from me!) If she doesn't get dessert because she was playing more than eating, or if she says "my tummy is rumbeling" because she didn't eat enough, the response is "How sad. Breakfast will be in the morning." or "How sad. You were having so much fun talking that you forgot to eat your dinner. Well, you'll have a great breakfast in the morning." - said with a smile, not a sneer or snarky tone.

This gives her CONTROL over her own consequences. I've noticed, too that my daughter likes to socialize at dinner first, then, if I leave her alone as described above, she magically digs into her meal just as mentally, I've started to think about having to intervene.

We also "negotiate" about how many bites she needs to have before she gets dessert. And we, not she, defines if a bite is really a bite. It makes a bit of a game as she gets to practice her counting, but also takes ego (mine & hers) out of the equation. Sometimes, I'll say she needs 5 bites, sometimes 10 (depending on what she's already grazed on, when the next meal will be, what her temperament is doing -- pesky low blood sugar!)

I hope this makes sense!

[AnnaF]

Original poster here. Thank you all for your suggestions. These data points are exactly what I was looking for and I'm sure I will go through them to pull out new ideas many more times in the weeks to come.

Now that I reflect a bit on my motivation to send Moxie my original email, I realize I was looking for some reassurance (from someone other than my mother...who is thrilled to see Moxie refer to her as "genius") that my mealtime approach hasn't been way off.

My husband and I are Americans living in Southeast Asia the last two years. My son was born here. I don't see many children my son's age out in restaurants and I take him out to eat often because it’s cheap, delicious, and gives me a break from post-meal cleaning. When I do see toddlers out, I characterize their parents' mealtime feeding technique as the "baby bird approach.” The parents typically dangle food out for their children using their fingers or chopsticks and the kids simply open wide, their hands well away from the food.

My blue-eyed, blond son already attracts a ton of attention but we’re quite the circus sideshow when he’s smeared sauce all over his face, his bib is coated, and a small circle of veggies and noodles rings his high chair. I’ve gotten good at zoning out most of the attention but I don’t think we’re helping to debunk the “ugly American” perceptions.

On the flip side, I started a mothers' support group, which now has 20+ members from around the world. We meet weekly, often over lunch or snack time. Many of my son's playmates in this group have extraordinary self-feeding skills. (One 14-month-old Japanese baby can consistently, and without prompting, clasp her hands together in a little prayer, bow her head, then crack and peel her hard-boiled egg and eat it with a fork!) But when I ask the moms how they taught these skills, something gets lost in translation and I'm still stumped.

While I make a valiant effort to get everyone’s food on the table at the same time so we can eat dinner together, my son often needs to eat before my husband arrives so my hubby supervises the tail end of his meal while I finish preparing the adult dishes. When DH supervises, he follows more rules than I do: no toys at the table, sit in the high chair with the tray, use a sippy cup instead of a cup and straw, eat with utensils. We both agree that our son should not put his feet on the table, throw food, or stand in his high chair but I allow DS to feed his goose and other toys, use his hands liberally, use a straw to sip from a small plastic cup, and sit in his high chair without the tray. I prefer my messier but calmer approach.

Hubby and his relatives (who watch my son during meal times via weekly video chat) are all of the opinion that son’s “table manners” should be farther along. Perhaps I am experiencing culture clashes on several fronts: foreign and sometimes befuddling public expectations, and my husband’s southern background versus my hippy left coast upbringing.

For now, I’ve already read a few of your posts to my DH and will encourage him to read more. I plan to try a few of your specific suggestions (wet washcloth, smaller utensils, etc.) and pretty much just keep on keepin’ on. Thanks again!

[Alexicographer]

@Amy I mostly agree with SusanOR's advice but (although my son is generally a good, if not neat, eater) am also empathetic to the thought that at least occasionally we just need to get some food into the kid's belly so they aren't totally crabby when we (get in the car / go grocery shopping / get to the pool) ... whatever.

In this regard, 3 things that have worked for us are ...
1. I mislabel food, e.g. hand DS a bowl of grapes and say, "Mmmmm, here are some yummy crackers!" He apparently finds this funny enough to play along by eating the "crackers."
2. If DS doesn't eat enough at dinner (especially), knowing that I want him to sleep through the night and not wake up hungry at 3 a.m., I'll give him a short list of acceptable pre-bedtime snacks ("Would you like to eat a banana or a slice of toast before your bath?"). These have to be simple, healthy, and not-too-numerous (i.e. he doesn't get to choose from a list of 10, just 2 or maybe 3).
3. Last but not least, desperate times (e.g. I broke my arm at 5 p.m. and my mom was driving me and DS to the hospital at just the time when we should have been preparing dinner, and who-knew-how-long-that-would-take) call for desperate measures, which in my book include microwave popcorn (the choice that evening and he ate THE WHOLE BAG), goldfish crackers, and granola bars, 3 foods he'll eat really reliably. For the record, his dad feeds him these foods casually but I consider them processed and therefore, a rarity ... different approaches ...

[pulsatile tinnitus]

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[True Religion Outlet]

League contributions through the summer months and also for his dulcet English tones on the sideline during the Socceroos international games on local radio. Ned is part of the ABCNeither is packed with enough power, especially considering that the W100 has two displays, so don't expect to be able to stray too far from an outlet for very long.
a staple of football, football, football!

[Kamalu]

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[Michael]

I'm going on a trip this summer for 3 weeks out east (I'm from BC) and I've retlcney started doing an hour of cardio everyday, as well it eating healthy. But I'm afraid this trip will mess everything up. Unfortunately, there won't be much cardio machines, we will be eating out a lot. Can you please give me any suggestions on how to keep my exercise and healthy eating going throughout this trip?