Q&A: SAHM wants to go back to work because of 4-month-old's naps

Here's yet another sleep question that's not just about sleep. Mary writes:

"Not sure if you've posted an answer to this before, but I am at my WIT'S END with my son. He is 4 months old, and his naps are a horrendous, stressful experience for me....I am a SAHM and I almost want to go back to work so I can get out of this heart-wrenching situation and let daycare deal with it.

He sleeps well at night. He wakes usually once per night to eat, although sometimes he wakes at 1:30, sometimes 4...you never know. Typically, though, he sleeps in 6+ hour stretches for us.

Naps are pushing me to my limit. He has never once in his life fallen asleep on his activity mat or in his bouncer just willy-nilly. He does not nod off. Ever. He becomes obviously fussy when he's tired...no slipping off to sleep. So at naptimes (typically 1.5 - 2 hours after waking) I swaddle him (he is swaddled at night), turn on soft music and then have to take him into the bathroom (super dark, no windows) and sway him with the exhaust fan running for white noise until he falls asleep. Sometimes he wails like he's being killed, other times he goes down with a whimper or two. However, if I try to lay him down in his crib...boom...he's awake after 20 minutes. If I sit and hold him, he stays asleep for an hour, sometimes longer. Even when I hold him, he'll come to, which means I jump up to either sway some more or go back to the bathroom if he starts to fuss.

My arms and back are killing me because, well, he's four months old.

I can't cope anymore. I can't do anything during the day because if we're not napping/attempting to nap, I'm playing with him or feeding him. I barely get to pee or drink or eat.

Please...do you have any words of wisdom, and is there something wrong with him? Or me? Will he outgrow this...do I need to keep holding him? Just put him down and take whatever nap I can get? I can't let him CIO. I can't.... I've purchased every sleep book known to man. I'm ready to burn them all!"

Oh, no. I'm so, so sorry that you're feeling this way.

And also: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. That's the bitter laugh of someone who remembers exactly what that was like. If I'd had any kind of decent career at all before having a baby I'd surely have gone back to escape. And I *know* 90% of the people reading this are chuckling bitterly because they either wanted to go back or felt a guilty sense of relief at not having to deal with naps when they did go back to work.

Being a parent is hard, y'all.

It does not matter how much you love your child: Caring for a baby is the ultimate tear-you-down-and-build-you-back up experience*.

And here's where the bad news and the good news are exactly the same: What you're experiencing is totally normal.

Exhibit A: When you hold him he'll stay asleep for a long time. When he's sleeping by himself, he only stays asleep for 20 minutes. (Babies that age seem to be pre-programmed for either 20 minutes or 45 minutes.)

Exhibit B: He doesn't fall asleep on his own. (Apparently there *are* babies who will do that "drowsy but awake" thing--I know because some readers have had them. Neither of mine were. One of mine needed to be nursed or rocked to sleep. Always. The other needed to create white noise by crying to shut himself down, and could not be nursed or rocked to sleep. Almost always. They both sleep like champs now.)

Exhibit C: You are going insane. (Check. Check, and also check.)

Allllllll normal. At this age, no matter what you do, he's not going to get a long nap, so don't stress yourself out trying to make it happen. When he's 5 or 5 1/2 months old, it'll all change. Read the comments on this post and absolve yourself.

Here's what I think you should do, right now, today. First, round of all the baby sleep books you have. Put the ones that your son has read and has agreed to follow in one pile, and the ones that your son hasn't read in another pile. Take that second pile and put it in a kitchen garbage bag and put that bag either 1) in the way way back of a closet to pull out when your son is 8 years old and read and laugh at, or 2) in the paper recycling bin.

Now, put your baby in the stroller or wrap or sling or what-have-you and forget about his naps, just for this one day (or tomorrow, if you're a planner). Pop in on that new moms' group you always wanted to go to but couldn't because of the !@#$%ing naps. Or call a friend (with kids or without) and meet for lunch. Go to a cafe and have an iced coffee and bring along a book and if your son falls asleep, read your book. (OK, magazine--Who are we kidding about your ability to concentrate on plot right now?)

Let today not be about naps. Your son will probably end up getting the same amount of sleep he would have if you'd stayed home and tortured yourself, only *you* will feel like a human being instead of some inadequate robot.

Now. Do you want to go back to work? That's another story for another day. There is no easy path for a mother. It's just a different set of problems. So maybe table that discussion and let the nap thing go until tomorrow and see how you feel.

Sympathy? Empathy? Bitter remembrance?

* Has anyone out there gone through military boot camp *after* becoming a parent? Because I kind of feel like it wouldn't be the huge deal it is for most recruits after going through the newborn stage. I mean, you get 7 hours of straight sleep a night, someone else cooks your meals, you get to pee all by yourself, you're not responsible for anyone else's socks, and all you have to do is physical tasks and not let a drill sergeant make you cry? Please... muscle soreness is nothing compared to the dark night of the soul.

Comments

[Erin]

Moxie, I wish I'd been able to read your response here when my DS #1 was 4 months old! He also *never* willingly slept during the day - he got better at 5/6 months, but only because then I could walk him to sleep. After falling asleep in the car seat-stroller, I could take the carseat off and put him in his room (in the carseat) and he would stay asleep for an hour or so. The worst thing about having a baby that won't nap during the day is that he gets SO OVERTIRED and cranky. But I wish I had a time machine and could go back and CHILL OUT about the naps, because getting so worked up about them did not help. I would get so emotional, I'd be hanging on the side of his crib sobbing "Why - won't - you - sleep?!?" I should have just held him in my arms or Moby-ed him, and as you said, went about my day.

I just want to reiterate Moxie's wisdom to the OP: it's not your fault! You're not doing anything wrong! It won't matter in the long run if the naps don't work at this age. He'll organize his sleep time eventually. It WILL get better!

I have another suggestion - I don't know if you can afford it, but you might try to find a babysitter for a couple hours a week. I say this because at 4 months, guess who could get my baby to sleep in his crib for hour long naps? That's right, the teenaged sitter! It helped him sleep, and I got some time off. If you can afford it, consider it. Non-parents almost always have an easier time putting babies to bed (maybe this just my experience and my baby. . . ).

[Rebecca]

My DS is also 4 months old. Generally I find him to be a joy....but, honestly, my expectations for 4 month olds are pretty low. I have begged him multiple times to take a nap in his crib for a nice 2-3 hour stretch (or really, just an hour?). However, he has explained to me, over and over, in no uncertain terms that, "I do not sleep in my crib during the DAYTIME, Mommy!!" So....I've done what Moxie suggested. I got over the nap. These days I go about my business in the house and he is often in his bouncy seat watching me fold laundry, making supper or whatever I need to do. Sometimes I sing to him or do crazy dances in front of him in order to receive a giggle and smile. OCCASIONALLY he will now drift off to sleep for 15 or 20 minutes. Other times we go for a walk and discover things. I find that nothing brings on a nap like A LOT of stuff to look at and see outside. A walk in the park is a wealth of information for a little one. Also, rather than a bath, I find that taking him in the shower with me wears him out as if he swam across the English Channel. The point is...that we're both much, much happier now that I'm not trying to ascribe his non-naps to a random sleep theory. He's a baby. He does what he does, he gets what he wants and there will be PLENTY of months/years in the future that I get to tell him how it's going to be. For now...we're just experiencing this little journey together. It helps. Good luck!

[kata]

My second one is seven weeks old but I remember EXACTLY this phenomenon with my first... I second (third?) the suggestion to just stick him in a carrier/stroller/car seat and do something you want to do. My older daughter (now 2 - and a pretty good napper) managed to sleep so well in her carrier (for 45 minute stretches - then I'd nurse, then walk her around a bit, then she'd go back to sleep in her carrier) that I could sit down and work on the computer and/or read something. Or, ahem, play a video game. The second one has also already done this sometimes... so I have hope. Once they get big enough you can put them on your back and do pretty much anything around the house with them in the carrier. I remember that phase with much fondness.

I recommend having multiple carriers (if you can afford it, and you can look on craigslist) to make it more interesting for both you and the baby. Or: go to a babywearing specialist and get a lesson! Just make yourself less lonely, in any way you can, while you deal with this phase.

For me, the real hard part is when an overtired baby resists falling asleep in the evening, because then I really need to just let it all go already.

Also: the babysitter. Even if it's just two hours during the day, once or twice a week. It makes a huge difference, not least because then you don't feel so alone dealing with things.

[Shandra]

If you want to babywear, the Ergo carrier was where my son would "nap" (I have to put that in quotes because he was a 20 minute guy.)

I recommend it because you can actually learn to lie them down in bed from it once this stage ends, although your abs and thighs will get strong doing it. Also it has a sunshadey thing.

It will get better. It is horrible now. Moxie's advice is the best - try to ease up a bit on it and recover a little bit.

[septembergrrl]

When my daughter was 4 months old, I was ready to sell her to the gypsies some days over this issue. In fact, I gladly would have just let the gypsies have her, no charge. She'd nap in my arms, or (rarely) in her swing, but she could barely tolerate her crib at night, let alone during the day.

I let it ride -- she was happy in her swing and on walks, so we did a lot of swing time and a lot of walking. And one day when she was about six months old, she decided napping wasn't so bad. We had just read the No-Cry Sleep Solution, but honestly I think that was mostly a coincidence of timing.

I like Moxie's advice a lot.

[MamaMel]

I am so sorry for you, and am sorry that all I can say is – our DD was the same exact way especially at 4 months old. That is actually how I found Moxie because I thought I was going to die of sleep deprivation and fortunately found Moxie’s post(s) on the 4 month sleep regression… Anyway, my DD never ever fell asleep drowsy, always needed white noise and/or nursing and/or being bounced to fall asleep ESPECIALLY at that age, and would only stay asleep if held in my arms or in a sling/carrier. So I did what Moxie just suggested and went about my day while she napped in my arms or a sling/carrier. I took nice long walks to a bakery or something else enjoyable, did minimal housework (justified because I was home alone with a little baby), and tried to nap when I was very tired. Actually the only way she would sleep on her own EVER is if we let her sleep on her tummy – which I did during the day for naps sometimes if I could keep a constant eye on her. I know Moxie has had posts on that as well. Our DD eventually grew out of that phase of needing so many props to fall asleep, but grew very heavy and let me say I KNOW how painful it is for your back and shoulders to be breaking while constantly holding the baby (and my DD was over the 100th percentile for weight until she turned 2). And I can tell you it does get a lot better and a lot easier. But my heart is with you right now because I know how painful and difficult it is!

[Rayne of Terror]

My first was a great napper, horrible night time sleeper. My second is a great night time sleeper, not so good napper. I'd take the later every day of the week and twice on Sundays.

At four months ish what I started doing with son 2 was putting him down at naptime and not turning on the monitor and setting a timer for 45 minutes. Then go to a part of the house where I couldn't hear him. I checked in at the beep and if he was awake I got him up and if he was asleep I left him and turned the monitor on. It was a sanity saver for me. He never takes those luxurious 2-3 hour naps my first son did, but over all it's fine. He's 11 m now and is delightful and a good enough sleeper.

[Jessica]

My daughter lived in the carrier at this age. Unless she was playing she was pretty much in the carrier. She nursed like a champ in it and wasn't screaming so I never saw the need to take her out. I would go about my business and she would sleep when she was tired and just hang out and look around when she wouldn't. It got better when she was about 6 months, she started to nap some, but she was never one of those kids who would put herself to sleep. I think some kids just aren't programed that way. The good news is my second one is programmed that way. I say he's my reward for not losing my mind with child number 1.

[Susan]

You have my sympathy. Hang in there. Four months olds just sleep like crap. It gets so much better in a few months (at night and in the daytime).

Have you considered putting black out curtains and a white noise machine in your nursery? I imagine you get mighty tired of your bathroom.

[Jac]

If you do want to try something (not saying you should because what works for one is not what works for another), if your son is into the swaying/white noise - try putting him in a swing and running a vaccum cleaner. I did that once by accident (I put him in the swing and then ran the vaccum cleaner because I just needed FIVE MINUTES of not holding him and I couldn't bear to hear his crying. By the time I finished vaccuming the living room, he was out. Of course, letting the vacuum cleaner run endlessly was a little tiresome so we promptly ran out and purchased an air purifier which made a lovely loud noise when turned on high.

[Kate]

This is awful. I had nothing like this (good reliable naps but f-ed up nights), but totally agree with the advice to get out there with a carriage or sling and an iced coffee and a magazine to rejoin the human race.

Unfortunately...the best cure for this is having a second kid. You can't be ruled by #2's schedule, because you are ruled by #1's. You have to get out there to music class/preschool pickup/park/library because you HAVE to or you'll lose your mind in some other way.

courage!

[Mary-Christine]

I remember the one fantastic day that ds took two (2!!!!) two-hour naps...I remember it because the rest of his naps until he was six months old were 45-mins tops! If I could do it all again, I'd do exactly what Moxie says and toss every sleep book in the garbage and just not stress about it - OK, now I'm laughing because now that he's 3 I find myself desperately browsing Weissbluth's book trying to get him to settle quicker in bed!!!

[Jamie]

Lots of sympathy and two suggestions: first, is this a nursing baby who might be sensitive to caffeine? I've been in that bad spiral before, where I drink too much coffee because I'm exhausted and then the baby sleeps worse because of the secondhand caffeine. Second, have you ever tried putting something in the crib that smells like you? If you laid your nightgown in their first, might it reassure your sleeping baby that you're not far away?

Good luck. Love this post, Moxie. :-)

[Jamie]

In there. Not "in their." Speaking of sleep deprivation...

[Stephanie]

I thought we were the only ones who rocked our infant to sleep in the bathroom!! (Because it was the only room with no windows....)

SAHM - I have SO SO SO been there. And still am there from time to time. My daughter is 7 months now, and still has occasional nap crises (the 15 minute nap - yikes!). I spent the first four months of her life in a rocking chair with her in a Bjorn so she would nap. That was 6-7 hours per day...for four months. It was pure, unadulterated hell.

Naturally, my back was killing me and insanity was setting in. Just shy of four months, my husband and I decided that DD needed to learn to nap in her crib. We would rock her to soothe her, and then placed her in the crib and patted her until she fell asleep. Your son will probably cry at first because it is a change from what he is used to. But, he is not crying-it-out because you are right there. Initially, he might do a lot of crying and you might be doing a lot of patting (get a barstool for next to the crib). If he does fall asleep, it might be a short nap. But, it will be a step towards getting him to sleep on his own. And towards saving your sanity.

[Kristin]

I honestly can't remember what was happening at 4 months, but I do remember that she napped a lot better if we co-slept and napped together. We didn't co-sleep at night, but for naps it really seemed to make a difference. I didn't necessarily need as many naps as she needed during the day, but for one at least, it was nice.

[Judy B]

I would also recommend finding a sling/wrap/carrier that you're comfortable in and just strap him on for the afternoon. I had mine in a ring sling a lot and he would cat-nap on and off all day. My arms were free, I could do what needed to be done, he was content and I wasn't having a panic attack that he wouldn't go to sleep.

I definitely know that desperate feeling when you just NEED them to SLEEP just to have some TIME OFF! Good luck mama!

[Kate]

@ Jamie, agreed. My second was caffeine sensitive--hit him about 12 hrs after.

I modify to "decaf iced coffee."

[Sherry]

I have an amazing 3 year old. I was miserable at 4 months. I was a zombie for a year. I have a neighbor with this incredible 2-month-old baby who sleeps all the time. An amazing baby. I sit there with my mouth open and watch. It's another universe. Don't judge yourself. You're making it through.

[Jane]

I was SO there and "luckily" had to go back to work at three months. I dreaded going back but it was such a life saver for me because I was agonizing over naps. Oh how I wish I found this blog sooner. And burned those effing sleep books sooner. I would have learned to chill out at saved myself A LOT of grief. Once I had to give up control it made it so much better. I echo what everyone here says about finding some help for just a tiny part of the week. Once it becomes "someone's else's problem" you're forced to let it go and in that comes a mental freedom that is priceless.

[lolismum]

Mary, I had one of those babies. Not only she never slept during the day unless someone held her after a long rocking session, she did not sleep through the night until 18 months old. I worked full time and I was about to kill myself.
Moxie is spot on, some children are programmed this way, you cannot change it, the only thing to change is how you handle it. I bought an expensive stroller that was really comfortable and reclined all the way down , bought the rain cover etc. Rain, sun, sleet, storm, I walked. I did some errands, I drank some coffee in piece and I made so friends at the playground. This took me ages to learn to do. After reading the effing sleep books and listening to everyone talk about their child sleeping 6 p.m. to 6 am straight, and taking a 2 hour nap, I felt like an utter failure. Ditch the books. Give an eyeroll and a kick in the shin to anyone who claims your baby "should" be doing this and that with sleep and how their precioussnowflake sleeps 14 hours a day because they bought a lovely she really likes. My second child, although not as extreme as the said precioussnowflakes, slept and napped well. Not because I did anything different, she was ust wired that way. I just stopped stressing about it. And those of you with precioussnowflakes who sleep curled up contently in their crib, even if you are not exaggerating, put a sock in it, it's not helping anyone, it's demoralizing a lot of mothers like Mary.
My first child, the bad sleeper, is 6yrs old.I have to drag her out of bed before school. I would have never believed it when she was 4 months old. IT WILL GET BETTER, IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT, NOW GO OUT AND BUY A NICE STROLLER/CARRIER etc.

[EmilyInCocktailLand]

We got lucky and a books theory worked for us for a few months. But then, out of the blue, it stopped working. And I had an epiphany...they have to sell the book somehow...so promising sleep to an exhausted and desperate parent makes an easy target. And I had a HUGE bullseye on grungy-unshowered-forehead!!

Why do you care how long your child naps? (insert non-aggressive, completely honestly curious tone) Is it because someone tells you they should? I was obsessed about long naps and good rest because I decided (ie: a book told me) that my DS would develop ADD if he didn't sleep. But, after careful and curious observation of lots of kiddos, I've decided that is quite an assumption to make. And so, I stopped stressing over naps.

Also, WonderWeeks really helped me understand why my DS was so variable.

About work...I work and I am glad for the break but if I had the choice I'd stay home and send my DS to a MDO or childshare for a few hours. Maybe a PT job would be fun?

You are doing great and not alone.

[lolismum]

"peace" not "piece". "some friends" not "so friend". "just" not "ust". The effing blackberry is hard to type on.

[Katy]

I second the suggestion to throw out your sleep books. I was OBSESSED with them. They did not help. As Moxie put it, my kid did not read nor agree to comply with any of their theories. My daughter napped in the Moby exclusively until about 4 or 5 months, that is when she was not screaming her head off. And then one day she just decided the crib was cool. Now at nine months, she takes a good 1.5 or 2 hour nap at least once a day, sometimes twice. She still gets up a couple of times at night, which is kinda killing me, but I took Dr. Sears advice and hid the clocks in the bedroom. Not knowing the exact god-awful hour that she is waking me up is somehow soothing.

[Jessica]

I was going to say the same thing as Jac. Try getting room darkening shades in his room, a white noise CD or machine (can test it out by using a hairdryer or vacuum), swaddle him and put him in a swing with a pacifier if he uses one.

I remember my daughter sleeping that way at night a few times when she was that age.

My daughter (16 mo) still doesn't nap well unless she's at daycare. Totally not fair that they have to wake her up after 2 hours and I am lucky to get a 1 hour nap at home on the weekends.

[Jessica]

Another thing I wanted to mention. I think they are usually good night sleepers or good nappers but not both. So maybe you could look at your lack of naps as the price you pay for a reasonable night's sleep!

[Lynnette]

I also found Moxie's blog when my baby girl was 4 months because of the awfulest awful of awfulsome sleeping. At 4 months, ALL her naps were 20 minutes, at 6 months, they lengthened to 30, at 8 months, they got to 40-45, and now at 11 months, they have magically gone to one morning nap for 45 minutes, and one long afternoon nap of about an hour and a half. That nap is the ultimate in luxury for me. Yesterday, I ate a sandwich, mopped the floors, and still had time to zone out on the internet. I never would have believed it possible at 4 months. When I tell my friends she has started taking a longer nap, they ask "What, like 2-3 hours?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I am in a pretty active playgroup in which I see a lot of moms several times a week. There are the mythical babies that sleep 12 hours at night and 2 long naps that don't require intervention, some that will only sleep in carriers for naps and co-sleeping at night, and very normal babies like mine that sleep reasonably well at night, with enough napping to keep both of us from going insane. And then there are the babies that refuse to sleep EVER, and, well, their parents have my sympathies. I have no advice.

Oh, man, I definitely feel you on the going-back-to-work to make someone else deal with it feelings. I was definitely there at many points during the first 6 months. Now she is way more fun.

[Julie]

I agree with all that Moxie said. But also consider nixing the music in his room for sleeping and add instead a white noise machine. Both of my boys have them, use them all night long and for naps, and it works wonders for us.

[Cloud]

No time to read all the comments.. but I have to tell the OP-

That was me, except I WAS going back to work when my first child (now 3) was 4 months old, and it saved my sanity. Literally. If I'd had to be a SAHM, I'd have needed counseling. I am not exaggerating.

So don't feel bad for feeling this way. Caring for an infant, particularly an infant who doesn't sleep easily, has got to be one of the hardest, most demoralizing jobs on the planet.

My second baby sleeps a lot easier. But also- I'm more zen. So, we do a lot of naps on wheels, as in if someone needs a nap and isn't going down easily, I put that kid in a stroller and we go for a walk. (OK, sometimes we go for a drive.)

If that works for you... do it. And if you need some sleep (an oh, boy, do I know how that feels!), see if someone else will do it sometimes. And don't let anyone tell you that you're messing the baby up by doing it. And don't feel the slightest bit guilty about sending your husband out for a long walk with the baby on the weekend with instructions not to come back for an hour and a half so that you can get some sleep.

I used to feel like a failure as a mom because I couldn't get my baby to nap "the right way". Whatever. She is a happy, smart 3 year old now, and doesn't seem to have been scarred by her many hours of napping in a stroller.

Of course, I still use this method to get her to nap on the weekends, so maybe the deep psychological scarring won't be evident for another few years.... (I'm joking. I can't believe I ever felt bad for doing this!)

[Jennifer]

Hang in there... At 4 months my son had NEVER slept longer than 45 minutes night or day and NEVER napped longer than 15-20 minutes at a time. I literally cried half the day (and night). I would put my son in the car seat and just drive for hours hoping that he would nod off for a few minutes. At home, he needed to be held, hear shushing and have me bouncing all at the same time or he would scream bloody murder. At 4.5 months my husband and I actually checked our son into the hospital because we were sure that there was something wrong with him. Of course the nurses told us that he was a baby and eventually he would sleep. We cried some more and looked at each other like "whose idea was it to have this baby?" At 5 months-to the day-he started consolidating sleep and has progressively gotten better since. We now have an 8 month old who sleeps 12 hours a night and takes three 1 hr naps during the day. Everyone told us that things would get better and I was sure they were lying but it DOES get better.

[caramama]

Tons and tons and TONS of sympathy! Naps were the bane of my daytime existance with my daughter (her nights were even worse, hence the "daytime" qualifier). What saved my sanity? Going back to work.

We still had miserable weekend naps, though, only saved when we gave up trying to get her to take naps probably around 18 months. The nanny had some voodoo magic that got her to nap during the weekdays, but my biggest relief was when we stopped spending hours of time trying to get her to sleep, when she'd maybe sleep 20 minutes if we were lucky. But that was an older age.

Back to 3-4 months old naps...

For my daughter, the sling was the only way we got through it at all. We bought different kinds and found the ones that worked best for both hubby and I and her for her to sleep in.

For my son, the swing was his best place to nap. We set it up in the bathroom, and we ran the fan. He napped in that until he was through this time period. At 5 or 5.5 months, he started doing great going down for naps in his crib.

Do whatever you have to do to get yourself and the babe and the family through these regressions, even if it means you stop worrying about the naps. As @Kate said, it was easier to let it go with the second (not just cause he's a better sleeper) because we just can't revolve our lives around his nap times. Luckily, he is flexible in personality anyway.

Oh, and for books... the only two books I'll recommend to people to read about sleep are Wonder Weeks and Bedtiming. All the others work for someone's kids, but not mine.

[the milliner]

O.M.G. Check, check and check. Nothing but empathy from me. That was SO us when DS was 4 months old. Well, except that he woke up every 1.5-3 hours in the night. It was killing me. Mentally and physically. I had total back and arm aches, which, I'm sad to say I am still (2 years later) trying to recover from, despite an amazing chiropractor and massage therapist.

If I remember correctly, what ended up working for us was me going back in as soon as he woke up (I was able to put him down in his crib and he would sleep for 20 minute intervals). So, I ended up putting him down for 3 consecutive 20 minute naps. It wouldn't work everyday, but it did eventually start sticking and then he finally transitioned out of the 4 month sleep regression and started napping for 60 - 90 minutes 2x per day. Heaven.

I do believe I took some days, as @Moxie suggested where I just said 'screw it' and did what I wanted to do / go where I wanted to go. Also, Mom & Baby yoga was a great place to go during that period. No problem if your kid falls asleep. And no problem if they're wailing their heads off. You might even get a chance to do a bit of stretching yourself.

So, @Mary, whatever you decide, know that things will get better and they will change.

I'd just add to do whatever you need to do to protect your back and arms. Slings with good support, proper lifting in and out of the crib, a few yoga poses or stretches everyday if you can manage it, lying on the floor with a rolled towel under your neck for support for 10 minutes every day or night. I know it's hard to make the time/find the time. I'm still struggling to make the time, but I think it's the only thing that works.

[Creatingbalance]

Silver lining is that you get sleep at night!! Yeah, because mine did that 45 minute nap thing and didn't sleep more then 90 minutes at night from the 4 month sleep regression till we sleep trained at 19 months. I was seriously too tired to even think of an escape, sigh. My guy would nap longer on me in arms or in a moby/ergo wrap and I could get something done you can even pee in one although I'd recommend not drinking a ton of water before nap time its precarious. Around 7 mths things started to shift and we coslept so I would come back into bed and get ready to nurse him around the 45 minute mark and sometimes that worked. We did bouncer naps for awhile too, I could lay him in after holding him past the 45 minute mark and rock through the transition. I agree with Moxie and start doing things that make you feel human again, car naps are fine, stroller great! When you don't have a text book baby then you have to define things for yourself. Ignore all the other well meaning parents that tell you sleep train and everything will change, we tried at 10 months a variety of things that didn't take at all and I *really* tried. My guy still will nap in the 45 minute increments I hear him roll over or stir around 45 minutes and then he's up at the 90 minute mark at almost two...
Hope that helps a bit!

[G's Mum]

Moxie is right. Follow her advice, it is worth it. Even if you are staggering to mum and baby group meetings (or parent-baby group) it is better to get out of the bathroom.

I think sleep books are a horrifying industry and the authors should be strung up for their destructive and undermining ways. Our culture fails new parents in so many ways and the sleep industry is a primary culprit.

[Carla Hinkle]

When my oldest daughter was a little baby she was EXACTLY the same.
So when she was about 2-3 months old I quit staying home for naps at ALL. I called it "new-baby-won't-nap-Stockholm-syndrome," meaning I discovered all the Great! Fun! Things! I could do because we weren't tied to being home for nap time. It was So Much Better to have a baby who didn't nap in a crib!

Shopping! Lunch with my husband! Lunch with friends! A new mom's group! We were NEVER home for a couple of months ... and she eventually outgrew that phase, and started taking naps a bit better in her crib. The end!

[hush]

Hi OP, I actually have the exact same question for you as the one @EmilyInCocktailLand posed: WHY do you care so much about how long your baby naps? Because that was me exactly 2 years 5 months ago, only I was on maternity leave, and knew I was going to be heading back to work in a week. And I remember feeling so very ready to get back to work to escape the Days That Lasted Forever, where I didn't shower, ate like crap, and sat on the couch cuddling my little dude without any timeline or structure to our days. And I do miss those days. They don't last forever. But I was also ready to be done with it. Kind of like pregnancy. That's what month 4 does to some of us.

Naps seem to be your Alamo (we mamas all have our own little Alamos), and I think that speaks to your preferences about things like predictability, and order, and feeling like you have space and time to meet your own basic day-to-day survival needs.

I think figuring out why this nap thing in particular matters so much will be helpful to you as you eventually address your larger question of "Am I going to be a more well-adjusted person if I outsource my daytime childcare, if I do it all myself, or if I arrange for some combination of BOTH." The answer for me is BOTH - I have 2 days during the work week where I am home and not working; 3 days where I am working both from home and offsite, and a babysitter comes to our house. This gives me some breathing room. With this arrangement I also take 3 hours per week that are just for me, and I have never felt happier as a mother. The happiest SAHM's I know have a mother's helper come to their house 1 or 2 days or afternoons a week, and/or they belong to a gym/club that offers childcare so they can be alone for a few hours a week, or better yet to eke out some extra couple time. I have personally seen how this makes a huge difference. How incredibly lucky you are to actually have a choice in the matter. Good luck!

@Kate - You made me smile when you said the cure for this is to have another kid. It would be good advice just act as though she has an older kid who has places to be, by making sure she takes the baby out of the house multiple times per day. Truly, as a mom of 2, I have no idea what my 9 month old daughter's nap schedule is! And we all go a bit crazy if we are trapped indoors all day long.

[jan]

I went through this with both of my kids. You'd think the second time around I would have handled it better, but not so much. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Between 5 1/2 - 6 months, their naps lengthened and we got on more of a schedule with 3 naps a day (and then moved to 2 naps a few months later). Hang in there!!!

[Chris]

Been there, and it's a total mindf*ck. Get rid of any books that say your kid 'should' be sleeping for x amount of minutes. It will only drive you crazy when they don't. My son (now 2) was consistently a 30 minute napper for the first year of his life. Kill me. He only would nap longer if I went for epic treks with the bjorn or nursed him when he woke after 30 minutes. We did eventually sleep train and it worked, but it was a pretty rough experience. Hang in there, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel!

[Cloud]

OK, now I've read all the comments.

Yeah, what they said.

But I want to add- my second baby (the better sleeper, who is now almost 10 months old) still has the loosest of nap schedules. I can't predict with any accuracy when she'll nap during the day. She was actually a more reliable napper early on, as long as I was willing to hold her.

There are two reasons this doesn't drive me insane: (1) she's in day care, so for 5 days of the week, it isn't really my problem. (2) I stopped caring what she "should" be doing, and started going with what she seems to need.

I add this only to say- even if your baby is older, he or she may not nap how the sleep books say is "right".

[Dani]

We were saved by the swing. My lovely adorable child would freak the f# out when I dared lay her down in the crib but would sleep nice lengthy naps when I put her in the swing and cranked it up during the day.
Seriously we brought a swing to daycare so that they could get her to sleep.
Hang in there. It gets better. Our little girl is 16 months, sleeps from 8p-9:30a on weekends and takes one long nap during the day.

[Jan]

If you decide to go the white noise route, I recommend the cheapest room humidifier you can find. No need to put water in it either -- it's much louder and probably cheaper than the actual white noise machines and will be useful for those stuffy-nose nights later on.

My daughter was one who had to have complete dark and quiet to get to sleep, too. A pox on people who claim that you should just "make that baby learn to sleep the way YOU want her to sleep". For heaven's sake, some kids are more sensitive to stimulation than others. (That's not directed at you, Moxie, but at all the well-meaning people who encouraged me to ignore what was working for my baby. Oh, who are we kidding? It's directed at MY MOTHER.)

If I were you I would move my rocking to a comfortable chair in the child's bedroom, tape aluminum foil over the windows to make it pitch dark, and use the cheap-humidifier solution above. Then I would take a however-long-it-lasts nap with my baby each day at approximately the same time. (Or read a book or meditate or whatever. And if she cried, I would talk to her and sing and continue to rock because I might not be able to make her happy, but I can make sure she knows that I'm with her and I love her. She need not know that I'm wearing earplugs.) Because I was and am obsessed with good sleep. If you said your baby wasn't tired, I'd say to hell with it, but if she's crabby 'cause she doesn't sleep ... well, that's just me and my bias.

It seems impossible to believe, but this is all totally normal AND it doesn't last that long in the grand scheme of things. If there's any way you can learn to enjoy what's wonderful about it (holding a sleeping baby kind of rocks, even if it seems like too much of a good thing right now) it would probably vastly improve your mental health.

The biggest thing to remember, whatever you decide to do, is that the problem is NOT that you are doing something wrong. The problem is that your baby's is apparently not good at daytime sleep. This won't be the last thing your kid isn't good at, and just like later when he can't seem to master rolling over or pronouncing his Rs or riding a two-wheeler, there is only so much you can do to fix it for him. And the truth is, there may be only so much you are willing to do to fix it for him and THAT IS TOTALLY OK. You have every right to keep your needs in mind when you make parenting decisions. In fact, I would argue that it's not just your right; it's your responsibility. Lord knows if you don't do it, HE isn't going to!

I will say that my needed-silence-and-darkness kid is 6 now and much more flexible in her sleep. I will also say that I recall 6 weeks and 4 months being the WORST from a sleep perspective with her (9/10 months was the killer with my younger one).

Hang in there. I think the very hardest thing about your first kid is that your sense of perspective just isn't there yet. It's impossible to appreciate that even a year from now this time will probably seem like a tiny blip on the radar of parenthood.

BTW, if you're in the Seattle area by any chance, I would happily come hold your little guy through a nap sometime, just so you can escape. (And maybe just a little bit because I miss it now that my little screamers are 4 and 6.)

[Kelly]

I felt like such a horrible mother that I "forced" my 2nd to sleep - with his bouncy chair set on vibrate. It was the *only* place he'd sleep during the day, and only if I kept bouncing him. At night it'd be the exercise ball and bouncing on that for ages til he dropped off (he's bouncy).

Mary, this is normal, he's going to get easier, and "should" is the worst word on the planet (personal belief). "Blackout shades" for us was el cheapo, black fabric I snagged for $2/yd at Walmart, strung up against the windows. A white noise machine was a godsend for both my boys. Good luck with getting your little trouble-maker to sleep!

[laura]

I say this not to sound snarky but to maybe help with perspective: DAMN, I'd trade you for those 6-hours at night. Dd2 has only ever gone 4 at a stretch EVER, ONCE. We are on month 5 of the 3-hour wakeups (on a good night; during Leap weeks cut that in half) and I am in a constant haze of exhaustion.

Moxie's right. The zen/babywearing approach to napping really helps the sanity, and if you are getting decent sleep at night you aren't so bitter at giving up your "lie down" time while the baby naps.

It gets better! This morning we had to wake up my 4 year old for an 8am appointment! I couldn't believe it - she of the 45 minute stints when she was the age Dd2 is now. I'm sure my plaintive comments are in the archives here somewhere. lol.

[Elizabeth]

I vividly remember going to tour Alcatraz shortly after becoming a mom and thinking "I don't know what they had to complain about. Their own room with a bed, eight hours of sleep a night, and someone cooked for them three times a day? And they even had time to do art!"

[paralleluniverse]

"I can't do anything during the day because if we're not napping/attempting to nap, I'm playing with him or feeding him. I barely get to pee or drink or eat."

This is the key to the whole thing. I was EXACTLY like that - felt like I couldn't step away from my baby (who's now 2.5) for two seconds to take care of myself. He was a non-sleeper until 11 months (when we finally did Ferber, thank God), so I drove myself completely insane and almost destroyed my marriage in the process. If I had the chance to do this over, I would most certainly NOT spend literally every minute of my time attached to, playing with, rocking or otherwise entertaining my baby - I would also take care of my own basic needs in a concerted, guilt-free, and maybe even leisurely fashion. And if you take care of yourself consistently, the nap won't matter quite as much, since you won't be hanging out for it in order to do anything at all other than take care of the baby.

It's not like you can wait for it to pass, either. A four-month-old is naturally a difficult little thing to care for, but if you continue to go the full always-tied-to-the-baby-and-no-time-for-me approach, I promise you it will get harder, not easier. It's also a recipe for a toddler who is expects to be constantly entertained well beyond the age where it's appropriate (I speak here from bitter experience).

I second Rayne of Terror's approach: put the kid down and go somewhere where you can't hear him for half an hour or so. He'll be fine, and you'll get a break. Even little babies need some space to figure things out for themselves, like how to fall asleep on their own.

[Snarky Mommy]

Oh my lord, I remember this with my first (I now have three - 4, 2 and 7 months) and I was a WAHM and would just get so worked up because I neeeeeded him to nap so I could get some work done. Instead, 20 min in the crib or an hour in the swing. And I fought the swing because the stupid sleep books said they haaaaave to sleep in their cribs.

Eventually, he started sleeping for an hour at a time in his crib (I think that was about 7 months?) and then when I switched him to one nap at 13 months, he started sleeping two straight hours.

With my next two, I let them nap in the swing until they preferred sleeping on their tummies. They would swing away for two hours sometimes. They also slept in the carrier and the stroller because, well, with an older sibling, younger ones have to learn to sleep on the go.

So don't be afraid of the swing. Or the stroller. Or the carrier. And just get the naps in when you can and don't stress. But oh my, I do NOT look back on those days with fondness.

[Thayer Overturf]

My one year old is still not a good napper unless I hold him. I finally read a book, however, that explains why he needs physical contact to sleep. The book is written by Dr. Sears and his wife, Dr. Sears and I think is entitled Parenting Fussy and High Need Children. It has been an afirmation to how I have been feeling the last 8 months. It explains how some children are just wired differently and need less sleep, or physical contact to sleep, or eat more or more often.... High need is not a label but a personality type, and Dr. Sears' explain why and how to nurture your high needs child. I encourage you to check it out at your local library to see if it helps you as much as it helped me.

[charissa]

My oldest daughter (now 6 yo) was the same way, with the short-short naps. I felt very similarly to Mary, though I never thought of returning to work (too sleep deprived to actually think of actionable solutions!) It was a dark, dark time in my life I have to say.

When she turned one, we were asked to be part of a "fashion show" at the new mommy fair at the hospital where I delivered (and happened to work). When we walked out on stage, the announcer asked me for my best piece of advice, and I said, "Everything is a stage, so don't let it get you down. Don't worry; it will eventually change." The announcer quickly "cleaned up" my comments, rephrased into something like, "Yes, savor every moment, because you'll never have it back again!" ... I can tell you that was not what I was saying! She didn't want to scare the moms-to-be, but I sure wish I had had that advice sooner than the one year mark!

The first year, while amazing for many reasons, is just plain hard. I agree with Moxie, after surviving that, you can do things you never thought you could do, and with ease. Good luck!

[KB]

We have struggled with naps for our now 20 month old since she was born. Like the original poster and many commenters, she would sleep maybe 20 minutes on her own (if at all, and then only after rocking first) but easily 1.5 hours if being held. After fighting with what she "should" be doing, we decided to roll with the punches and "hold" her -- in a carrier (I LOVE the Ergo), a swing, a car seat while driving. We also spent many hours rocking her -- and my lifesaver there was an iPhone connected to wifi. Reading Ask Moxie while my kid slept in her favorite spot on my lap made me less stressed about the non-ideal sleeping situation. So I cannot recommend having some sort of backlit tech item on which to read (iPhone, Kindle, etc) enough.

Also, enlist help from others. Since it is summer, are there any teens/preteens around that would like a few bucks to watch your kid while you do stuff around the house? You get a break and also may end up with a future babysitter for nights out.

[Heidi]

Haven't had time to read many comments--but my now-5-year-old (who sleeps pretty well) wouldn't take naps other than on/with me, while nursing. He finally gave up napping AND breastfeeding at 2 1/2. I drove myself crazy over his naplessness, or high maintenance method of napping, for a long time. The best I felt about it was when I did exactly what Moxie said. The stroller naps were pretty reliable and helped me get back in shape the first summer after he was born. (I don't know why I didn't invest in a good lightweight jogging stroller, because we must have put five miles on per day.)

Also, identify places where you can sit for long periods of time without anyone bugging you about it: coffee shops, library, family area at mall, etc. Go and make yourself comfortable. Bring a book or magazine, as Moxie suggested. Get something to drink and eat. Park for awhile. Let the baby snuggle/nurse/nap, if that works. I have wonderful memories of reading almost all of Edith Wharton's The Custom of the Country in two-hour periods, fortified by latte and scones, at a nearby coffee shop, while Paul napped in my arms.