Q&A: reprimands hurting your child's feelings

The other day Tertia and I discovered that we've got the same problem going on in both our houses. Her Adam and Kate (who are 5) and my younger son T (who is also 5 but a couple of months younger than A&K) have started crying if we reprimand or punish them and telling us that we've hurt their feelings.

Now, on one level, it's awesome that we have kids that are so self-aware and self-actualized that they can stand up for themselves when their feelings are hurt.

But. It sometimes seems like a way for them to try to weasel out of the situation they were in.

So the question is: How do we honor our children and their feelings, while at the same time not let these claims manipulate us into dropping discipline?

In the long run, kids need limits and they need to learn acceptable boundaries for action as much as they need to identify and stand up for their feelings.

Another compounding factor is that my son T is prone to crocodile tears. I think he just likes to cry (even as an infant he was a Tension Releaser and needed to cry himself to sleep) and can almost make himself believe it sometimes. So I wonder if his feelings actually *are* hurt, or if he just *wants* his feelings to be hurt.

What I've been trying to do is:

• discipline in a way that is about the behavior and not him so it's less likely that his feelings will be hurt to begin with
• acknowledge his hurt feelings and express sympathy for them, without apologizing for disciplining him
• bring the topic back to the episode and discipline ASAP so the focus goes back onto teaching him limits and appropriate behavior

I try to do a little "safe, respectful, and kind" check to make sure that what I said and the punishment I doled out was all three of those. If I was too mean or harsh, I'll apologize sincerely. But he still has to be accountable for what he did.

Does anyone else have kids who say their feelings are hurt when you call them on bad behavior? How do you handle it?

Comments

[S]

5-year-old ds does exactly the same thing - big sigh. For example, last night he was jumping on the bed at bedtime (a no-no) and wouldn't stop despite repeated requests. When his story was then cancelled (which he knows is a likely consequence of bad bedtime behavior), he collapsed in tears, saying we didn't love him anymore. And I hate that part - because we do love him, and really hate being punitive; but on the other hand, we have to set limits somewhere, right? So I told him, "I love you, but it's bedtime," and left. This AM all was well, but still, this is a no-fun part of being a parent.

[ailikate]

I've been having this a lot with my almost 4 yo. She does it less when reprimanded and more when we say something like "You've already watched a cartoon, so you can't play on the computer, too." "But Mama that Hurt My Feeeeelings" top volume, with sobbing. I usually apologize for hurting her feelings, but reconfirm that the rule is going to stand. I agree that I'm not sure whether she is saying it out of self-awareness or a bid to have us give in, but I think it's probably a blend of the two.

[paola]

My son is also 5 ( and a half) and does the very same thing. I'm sure in his eyes his feelings ARE being hurt because no one likes being told off or punished, but if a punishment is due, it is due and I won't let him squirm out of it. However, if I have to punish him way after the actual 'offense' (like in the afternoon at tv time and the 'offense' was in the morning), I might give him a chance to lighten the punishment if I seeing him making the effort to make up for his actions.

One thing I've learnt though is that I don't have to make the whole punishment thing serious. In fact if I do, my son gets really upset and all hard done by( especially if the punishment involves missing out on screen time) In fact, what I do is explain why he is being punished (eg. because he threw something at his sister hitting her in the face) and enforce it (tell him he has to stay in his room, while his sister can watch a dvd of her choice), but with some joking or banter to lessen the blow.

[paola]

Oh and you just reminded me that the 3.5 year old also tells me her feelings have been hurt even when I point out something out that she did that I didn't like.

[10teneight8]

Sometimes I think that there's a disconnect about what "hurt feelings" means exactly--it's like a catch-all for being upset or agitated in any way for the kid, but to us it has a more precise connotation?
Example: my 4-year-old neighbor was playing ball with his dad, accidentally hit his dad pretty hard right on the nose, and dad flinched and teared up with the impact. 4-yr-old hid under the table the rest of the afternoon, and when asked why said "Dad hurt my feelings".

[Charlie]

We've been working a lot with our 4-year-old daughter on "consequences." We remind her that each choice has its results, and that when she takes a path, she'll have to accept where it leads. Of course, there are tears. But we make it clear that the punishments (time-outs, loss of privileges, etc.) are the results of her actions, not an indictment of her personally. That it is the actions we don't like, but that we always love her. We are also liberal with praise when she shows kindness, compassion, and responsibility. Seems to work OK.

[Cece]

We are also all about the consequences. My son is only 19 months, so we aren't up to real hard core disipline (I'm still able to do the distract method most of the time - we have little meltdowns but we just kind of move on). Best example getting ready for bed. We have a train mounted up on the walls that circles his room. He lvoes to watch it as we get ready for bed. But, if he throws a temper tantrum, the train goes off. And he knows it.

[Emily]

My 3.5 year old daughter doesn't cry when I reprimand her — but tears well up slowly, then start flowing when her grandmother or great-grandmother scolds her, even lightly. I think it's because she doesn't expect it from them, and she wants to please them more than she does me. Both of them always feel horrible when it happens. She could be playing the system, but this is a girl who cries when a sad son comes on the radio, so I think she is actually hurt about it.

[taylor]

hmm My almost 3 year old has been doing something similar. She has been awfully testing the last few weeks (turns three in sept.) and there have been lots of stating the rules, having her break them, doling put consequences and lots of times lately she gets very upset, says she wants to stay with mommy, said i hurt her feelings. I don't know if she really knows what that means or not and I try to tell her that there are rules (mostly just the no hitting/using rough hands rule on her 1 year old brother) to keep us safe. yada yada. But the whole crying/upset thing makes it harder. She is awfully sensitive to begin with. It has been a rough go lately...

[ACJ]

I think 10teneight8 hasa it right - hurt feelings" is indeed the only words they've got for that bad feeling in your tummy when you get in trouble. I still get that feeling when I'm caught out.

But much the same way I now know to say "I feel anxious" or "I feel gassy" or "I feel nauseous" instead of "my tummy hurts", in time we hope we'll raise who can say, "God, I feel awful. Guilty even. Sorry." or "I feel worried I'm in more trouble than I planned." or whatever more accurate descripter applies.

When there's time and it's appropriate, you do what you always do and give some more accurate words to your children so that they grow up learning the difference between hurt feelings (sadness, hurt) and bad feelings (shame, guilt) and then learn how to manage them (tell a friend, confess a sin).

My two cents...

[Peasy's mom]

I, too, think it's a combination. I've come to suspect that my very sensitive 3-year-old feels hurt many times when someone simply says "no." Now, of course, preschoolers get upset when they are told that they can't do what they want. But Peasy is the kind of kid who sometimes apologizes even when we don't recognize that an offense has been committed and who hates visual scrutiny (say, to check out a rash), so I think she's very concerned about being judged. Also, despite our efforts to separate offense from offender in our comments, I don't think she gets that yet (because when she's mad, she "hates" us). Not sure what to do about it, though; continuing with boundaries and consequences as needed (which is often). May work harder on framing redirection positively, thus avoiding the actual word "no."

[therese]

My son is only 14 months old so I don't have a lot of experience in this from the parent end, but I do from the child end. I was the one who always cried when being punished. I now know it's from embarassement at being caught/punished and shame from the dissapointment of my parents or other caregivers...not the textbook definition of "hurt feelings." As an adult, I can see in my actions and behaviors that I exhibit the same behavior. I have high expectations of myself and have to work hard to not take criticism/corrections/feedback...personally or I experience the same feelings of embarrasement and shame. I have to say this personality trait has made me a lot "senstive" (as my siblings would say) but it has also made me a pretty strict rule follower and I've definitely avoided a lot of trouble. So, my thoughts would be to consider if it's another emotion the children are feeling but can't quite articulate (as others have said). Also, be clear that the punishment is for the action/behavior, not the person. As Moxie pointed out, if you have a "tension reducer" (that's me, even as an adult!) sometimes you just have to let them have that moment of sad and tears and then they move on pretty quickly!

[Cathy]

Hm, not there yet, but I can definitely see this being a prime weapon in my daughter's arsenal whenever she happens to think of it. We had a less manipulative version of this with her as a very docile and sensitive two-year-old, when even the mildest expressions of warning or reproof (e.g., "Oops, don't hold your cup like that, sweetie") triggered a quivering lower lip and brimming eyes. We got so used to being incredibly low-key with our corrections that it took us a month or two to adjust when we realized that, at three, she's become way tougher and bolder; now she both requires and can withstand a direct "no".

[Julie]

YES! My almost-5 year old does this too. He'll say, "You are hurting my feelings!" when I use a stern tone of voice to tell him something he doesn't like - for instance, if he doesn't stop fooling around and get his pajamas on, we won't have time to do as much reading as he would like to do. He also says his feelings are hurt when I tell him we can't do something he really wants to do, or I won't buy him a new toy when he's really wanting one. I think kids this age say this because they have a lot of experience in daycare/preschool/playgroups talking about hurt feelings and how to solve those problems. But they don't yet recognize that feelings are complicated....and there are many shades of the same feeling or a combination of many feelings that are vastly different in cause. So they say we are hurting their feelings for disciplining them, when really they are feeling bad that they made a bad choice and sad that there will be a consequence. When my son tells me I'm hurting his feelings when I give him a consequence, I say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I think you are feeling bad for the choice and sad for the consequence, since it's not what you wanted...and maybe a little angry too about not being able to jump off the dining room table because it seemed like such a fun idea" to give him the language and the idea that he can have more than one feeling at the same time, and that it can be confusing. When they feel that way, they go to the old stand-by "You're hurting my feelings" because in their limited experience, when they say that everyone stops and sits down to problem solve a solution. I think they say that because they don't know what else to say to communicate their feelings. I don't think that their feelings are really hurt though.

[caramama]

So as I can figure, there are two personality factors at play with my daughter that wind up with the same reaction ("hurt feelings") as Moxie describes:
1. My daughter feels her emotions to the fullest. When she is happy, she is so happy. When she's upset, she is so upset. She's the little girl with the curl right in the middle of her forehead, and she always has been.
2. She takes time to process new and/or overwhelming situations/emotions/etc.

The second may not seem to play in, but it really does. Because it's always been hard to feel like we are getting through to her. So if she does something wrong and we try to correct her or disipline her or whatever, she does not seem to get it at first. Many times, we have to keep going (because she doesn't stop or gets in a feedback loop of some sort) until she suddenly goes from laughing to crying. Literally.

We've tried to be lighter about disiplines, but then it doesn't always seem to get across the seriousness of the transgression. I hate to make her cry, and I don't do it on purpose. But it's been a tough edge to balance on.

Now that she's 3, she is starting to cry and say we hurt her feelings. I always apologize that it hurt her feelings, but then express what she did wrong, why it was wrong and what the consequences are.

I was a very emotionally sensitive kid, too. And you know what? Sometimes our feelings DO get hurt (or we feel bad or we feel shame or whatever). And that's too bad. But also necessary at times. So I think it's important to acknowledge the hurt feelings, but move forward anyway.

[caramama]

Oh, I'm going to use what @Julie said from now on! My daughter's feelings weren't hurt when I wouldn't put on her show when I was in my own room. She was disappointed and probably frustrated, and I should have pointed out the distinction! Thanks, Julie!

[Leta]

My daughter (just turned 6) does this also. And has also started saying she feel like we don't love her, etc. BUT! that seems to almost always happen when it involves her little sister (2). I.E. I am giving my attention to little sis and not her. I do tell her sometimes, I know it's hard to be the oldest, and then point out all of the fun & awesome things that she gets to do that little sis does not. I felt very guilty about this the first few times it happened, but the longer it goes on the more I feel like she is trying to play me. And I agree with previous comments, I don't think she fully understands the difference between hurt feelings, disappointment, frustration, etc.

[Ewokmama]

We are going through this right now. It's driving me crazy! I am very careful about how I reprimand my 4yo son - for instance, I tell him that I don't like being hit because it hurts and tell him to stop. He always fires back with a "NO DON'T SAY THAT!" and then starts crying and saying I hurt his feelings. Oy. I haven't come up with a solution yet but I'm looking for books that talk about following the rules and treating others well, etc. Would love recs! So far I have the following on my list: When I Feel Sad, When I Feel Angry, Know and Follow Rules, and Sometimes I'm Bombaloo.

[Charisse]

Well Moxie, you made me realize that this has begun to subside a little bit and is moving into the category of "regressive behavior that happens when she's tired" for my 6-year-old. So thanks for that!

But this, along with the I'm-in-trouble-so-suddenly-I-stubbed-my-toe-and-it's-a-national-emergency thing drives me nuts. I don't know if what I'm doing is working or if she's just getting older, but I've basically tried to explain (like others above) about the prickings of conscience. I tell Mouse "I'm not hurting your feelings on purpose. The thing is, it isn't supposed to feel good to be in trouble. And we all get in trouble occasionally. The reason you feel bad is that you have a strong conscience, which is a special kind of feeling that tells us when we've done something we shouldn't - it's really great that you have that, it will help you." - and of course if I've said something out of bounds, which totally does happen, I apologize. "Dammit Mouse, this dawdling is working my LAST. NERVE." is more common than I wish.

The other thing I do is praise her afterwards if she handles a reprimand well. Like this morning, when there was dawdling over breakfast and I sternly said we had to chomp it up and get on the road and she got on the floor and started pouting - and I really sternly said we don't have time right now, I need you to focus on eating and not complaining (and perhaps I threatened not to bring your favorite after-school treat later - oh dear, I totally suck)...but anyway, omg, she DID suck it up and stop pouting and do what needed to be done. So once we got in the car I said, "you know Mouse, I wanted to tell you that I noticed that you got on with eating even though you were upset about me raising my voice, and I really appreciate that - we're going to be right on time because you handled that so well."

Now we're working on the reality that saying sorry is important, but it isn't enough - you have to do what you can to fix the problem. Any tips on getting that across are extremely welcome!

[the milliner]

I'm thinking along the lines of @10teneight8, @ACJ, @therese & @julie (and thanks to all of you for giving me the words/approach to use with DS when the time comes).

I think the bigger problem in the sentence 'You hurt my feelings' is the 'you' part, not the hurt feelings. As others have pointed out, the kids seem to be using the phrase 'hurt feelings' for a multitude of complex feelings, but the issue becomes that they frame it as something you did to them (of course we're assuming the punishment/correction was not done in a way to hurt feelings). Re-framing as @Julie does I think is a great approach and it both acknowledges their feelings while not being dismissive of the issue at hand.

I guess it's similar to the whole 'I statement' approach (I feel x when you y) vs. 'You statement' approach (You make me feel x) in discussing feelings/issues and the root of those feelings.

@caramama @paola, I agree that there's a fine line in being light or not for disciplining. I do it on occasion with DS (2yo), probably more as a form of distraction than anything. But I also want DS to develop the ability to take someone else's (serious) criticism (weather big or small from his POV), and to not joke about it.

Sometimes DH will make a lighthearted joke when we're having a serious conversation about something or bringing up issues, in order to lessen the tension. And if it's done at a point in the conversation where I haven't yet felt like my point has been heard, I find it really frustrating and hurtful. *Even* if I know he's doing it to cut the tension because it's hard for him to sit with difficult feelings.

I really want DS to be able to acknowledge someone else's issue with him, while being cognisant of his own needs to be addressed respectfully.

All that to say, I think there are times to be light and times to be serious. But to be light all of the time would create problems down the road, IMHO.

Wow. I didn't start this comment having the last part (about being lighthearted for discipline) in mind. Cool. Parenting missions being evolved LIVE! on Ask Moxie!

[Charisse]

oh and about the self-actualized kids? I'm trying to get a tired Mouse to get up this morning (too much Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe combined with hoping she could make herself stay awake all the way until daddy got home from his late night) and I'm shaking her shoulder, kissing her, zerbeting her tummy (I was getting desperate) and she says, eyes still closed, "mommy, it's my body and I'm the boss and you need to stop that. you're not allowed to touch me." Um, which, great. But now what do I do?

[the milliner]

@Charisse,

"The reason you feel bad is that you have a strong conscience, which is a special kind of feeling that tells us when we've done something we shouldn't - it's really great that you have that, it will help you."

That. Is. Awesome.

[ARC]

@therese - i feel just like you and have to work at it still as an adult. My performance reviews at work are especially difficult because where I work it's like 1% praise for the good things you did, then 99% about "what you could work on" - just our company culture, but it's hard to take :)

One thing that made a huge difference to me as a kid (maybe 5 or 6 yo?) was hearing my mother tell me that even when she was angry with my behavior, that she still loved me. It was life-changing, because I honestly thought when she was mad, she didn't love me anymore.

[maria]

@Charisse, and @Julie, and @Leta – great great great! I will definitely be using the line about the conscience, excellent! And @Leta, my daughter is heavily into "you don't love me! Nobody loves me! I'm the worst! I know I'm terrible!"… sob sob, blah blah blah. I'm real sick of it and I've tried treating it lightly (That's the silliest thing I've ever heard! That's sillier than the sky is green!), seriously (I love you, lots of people love you…), and talking to her later (You really know that you're not the worst, right?). The first and last option have worked, sort of, occasionally.

She's clearly looking for the words she doesn't know to describe the feelings she doesn't understand, and you wonderful Moxie Mamas have made that so much clearer to me! Thank you!

[paola]

@the milliner

I agree totally with what you are saying. I certainly don't want to belittle the offense by 'joking' about it. The kid is being punished becasue the offense is serious enough to warrant punishment. But I probably 'tie up' the punishment with a light hearted remark like 'now I'll leave you to it little hedgehog' and get a laugh out of him or laugh myslef. He knows he did something wrong because we have talked about why the offense was so bad (throwing the block at Zoe could have blinded her etc)and that there are consequences for such an offense.

[laura]

Hahaha. I send my nearly 4 year old to her room to work on her whining and disobedience, and lately she's been calling me (instead of coming out when her attitude has changed). When I get there, she says sweetly, "I'm ready for you to apologize for speaking sternly to me, Mommy." :D

I have told her quite frequently in the past 2 weeks: "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt, but I am NOT sorry I disciplined you." And then I follow up with an explanation of why discipline is so important.

We really try to keep the discipline in our household a partnership - that we're training our children to be well-rounded, well-adjusted adults - and they need our help and wisdom and experience with that.

We're working together toward a common goal, not against each other.

[Irene]

I've noticed something really interesting with my 2 year old. You know how sometimes, if you're upset and someone reaches out to comfort you, that totally opens up the floodgates and a stream of tears results? That happens with her: I tell her why what she did was wrong, the tears start welling up but she's fighting the urge to cry, then I giver her a hug and she lets go and sobs a couple times, then usually she calms down and all is well again.

I agree with commenters who have pointed out that "hurt feelings" is probably a catch-all term for being upset at that age.

[BlueBirdMama]

Love the comments today! So many useful techniques to put in my toolkit.

I don't have "you hurt my feelings yet" but my three year old has started flip out and scream that I'm hurting him if I touch him to prevent him from doing something he wants to do. Though I try to avoid it, one does have to physically intervene sometimes. For example, when he tries to run away from me in a store and I grab his arm as he takes off he'll start wailing "Mommy, you're hurting me, you're hurting me!" Of course, I always try to check in with myself to make sure I'm not really being excessive and I try to remember take his feelings seriously: "I am sorry. If I hurt you, it was accidental. I didn't intend to." Then I refocus on the original offense (@Julie, love your re-framing!) And sometimes I call him on his crocodile tears... I'll give him a sly look and say, "Are you play acting right now?" and he'll start giggling and say, "Yeah" and then start crying again.

Wasn't it here that I read a comment once that said something like, "A three year old is as challenging as she is funny, and a three year old is very funny."? Truer words were never spoken.

[mo]

Julie - wow, my son does the exact same thing as your child, I've just never had the amazing response that you do. I'm trying desperately to imprint that on my brain so it will be ready when needed.

And Charisse - yours is awesome too but I may need to write it down and have a cheat sheet to peek at while I'm saying it :)

I find I get really irritated when my son does this btw... his feelings are hurt when he's the one that decided to do whatever I just told him not to do and that I told him very specifically what would happen if he continued doing it and then when that actually happens his feelings are hurt. Maybe I will have a lot more success using the Charisse/Julie method of communication! Thanks ladies.

[akeeyu]

The girls are twoish, and when they cry in protest of discipline, I usually say "I know that you're upset, but that doesn't always change the outcome. I still have to (drive the car/change the diaper/send you to the corner) and you still have to (stop throwing things into the front seat/stop kicking/stop cleaning your sister's clock)."

[mom2boy]

"I am so very sad with you, Mommy!" from the almost three year old in response to a raised voice or a forced time out. I'm thinking it's going to just get more dramatic but I love the suggestions on how to keep the conversation moving in a positive direction.

@Charisse - Love that your daughter has taken to heart the love and protect your body message but I think a reminder that as her mom you are actually allowed to touch her when necessary for her health and safety might help. :)

[kathleen999]

Nicky does that. He so can't deal with being thought bad. Plus now he also figured out that if we reprimand him, he can put the blame back on us by saying we hurt his feelings.

On the other hand, once or twice my husband and I have put ourselves on time out for uncalled-for yelling. That was very delightful to the boys. So much so that for a while Nicky kept trying to put me on time out any time I reprimanded him because I hurt his feelings and "you are BAD, Mom!" I just laughed. I don't know if that was the right or wrong thing to do, but it was funny!

[the milliner]

@paola, Hope my comment didn't read like I was coming down on your approach. I think with lightheartedness, it's all in the timing. Bad timing (like in my example) vs. good timing (as in your example).

A little joke or lighthearted comment is how DH & I often end disagreements (esp. about run of the mill, everyday living type of stuff) once we've had a chance to cool off a bit and reflect. I really find it helps me switch from focusing on anger/frustration and to start focusing on solutions.

[Sharon @proactiveparenting]

Really tired, so I hope this comes out like I heard it in my head. Please excuse any mistakes. Here's my .02, not that anyone asked, LOL!

First thing I wanted to say is this has a developmental component. There is a propensity toward tears at this age. 5's love their mother, she is the center of their world. When she is upset it's really hard for him or her to take, hence the tears. I remember this stage with taller, not tall. At 5, taller was far more sensitive than tall. Part of this stage is the sensitive, sweet vs the powerful, bossy push-pull at this age.

When Moxie asks, "So I wonder if his feelings actually *are* hurt, or if he just *wants* his feelings to be hurt." I'm not sure it matters.

I think what matters is that a child feel his or her feelings. It is so important to show children that they won't be consumed or destroyed by experiencing and dealing with feelings.

When a child says, "you hurt my feelings." boo hoo (sound of crying) They are incapable of dealing with the feelings and being articulate at the same time, even at 5. I don't know about you, but when I am upset, I'm not so articulate, ask hubby! LOL!

I don't think a child who has just been disciplined can say, "I'm offended by the way you corrected me, please try to use kinder words when I'm wrong." I don't think they can say, "My sense of self is hurt because you, who I love so very much, said I was wrong, I didn't measure up, I failed in some way." It is just easier to digest the bad news by crying.

Do I think the crying is phony? Maybe, and that's okay at this age. If you focus on the phony crying you're giving it energy. He or she will grow out of that type of crying soon, if it's not made into an issue, as life issues get more complex.

When you're *sure* that it's a phony cry is when you can use questions and possibly a tiny bit of humor to say, "Are you really upset, or are the tears to let me know that you're upset that you were caught and corrected?"

Real tears when corrected tell a parent that their child is expressing, "I'm really feeling this in my heart, it hurts. And when my heart hurts it scares me. I'm also overwhelmed when I clearly disappoint you.
Phony tears allow a child to express, "I'm using my tears to voice my opinion that I don't like this."

Either way it is valuable. In my humble opinion, all you need to do is let them know their feelings matter and you're not changing your mind.

That's how I feel about it. Hope it made sense and helps.
Good night!

[maria]

@Sharon, you are so great! Thanks for your invaluable 2¢, once again.

[Sharon @proactiveparenting]

Thank you Maria, that was so sweet. Oops, I'm supposed to be off the computer by now. HA!

[Erin]

Wow, Sharon, thanks. (I mean, thanks everybody too the comments have been really helpful.) My son is too young to verbalize "You've hurt my feelings" - he's only two - but lately he's started running into the corner and turning his back to us when I've corrected him, or sometimes if I'm impatient with him. It breaks my heart, and I think it's the same thing as tears. My instinct has been to try to get him to verbalize how he feels or talk to him about it, and reconnect with him.

[MemeGRL]

Wow, hit a nerve much!? With my 4 year old, it's "but that's not FAIR!" and we have the mantra " 'It's not fair' and 'I don't like that' aren't the same thing." And with the older one, if he can say, "You hurt my feelings" (unusual, as he copes by being quick to anger-ugh), I try to explain that I'm not trying to hurt his feelings but to correct his behavior and explain why (he did something dangerous, or hurtful, etc.). Good luck all!

[caramama]

@Sharon - Thanks SO much for your fantastic input!

@Charisse - I wish you'd start a blog so I could keep reading stories about Mouse all the time. You give me hope for the future!

As for me, last night I gave my daughter the "I'm disappointed in your behavoir" speech at (way past) bedtime. That was fun. She was crying already, so who knows if it hurt her feelings or what got through. I suspect I'll hear it back from her next time she's upset about something. (@MemeGRL - we also get "that's not fair TO ME" when she doesn't like something, which is totally just mimicking back when I explain that something isn't fair to someone. Sigh.)

[mo]

This was sooo timely. One of my sons hit my husband in the nose (I think he was being playful and/or didn't realize it would really hurt) and so naturally my husband got mad, told him it really hurt and gave him time out. My son completely freaked and was crying and practically inconsolable. I went in and asked him if he was upset because he hurt his father or because he was in trouble and he said it was because he hurt his dad and felt bad about it. I explained that he still needed his time out but to make him (and his dad) feel better, once his time out was over, he should go tell his dad I'm sorry I hurt you. He couldn't do that. It really affected him (he's 5 yrs old by the way). He finally said sorry; his dad said okay, we're all good. But my son was stil sad and crying. Finally, I said are you still sad you hurt daddy? He said yes and I explained that his dad already accepted his apology and he must be okay (and here's where reading the posts and thinking maybe now the time to bring in some humor). I said his dad probably wouldn't be over it if he had made his dad's face fall off and started laughing which got my son laughing (while still crying). We finally decided we'd go check out dad's face and make sure his head was still there and also that his nose was still attached. That seemed to break the tension and life went back to normal.

[Charisse]

@mom2boy, you are totally right! I need to remember to tell her that

@caramama, I microblog about Mouse all the time on *cough* Facebook *cough* ;-)

[maria]

So, instant feedback… Today my daughter was playing in the kiddie pool and splashed me but good – on purpose. I reacted with shock and said "WHAT are you DOING?" She explained she hadn't been trying to splash me, but the puppy, so I said she shouldn't splash the puppy, it would scare him, we're trying to get him comfortable with the pool, etc.

She retreated to the other side of the deck and started the "I know I don't deserve the kiddie pool routine"

I said a clumsy version of @Charisse's brilliant line, "You are feeling kinda sorry because you splashed me and Skipjack but it's not that you don't deserve the pool. What you're feeling is the sorry feeling, not that you don't deserve the pool"

I did it really awkwardly, but it worked like a charm. Whoa! Total shift in energy and she came back to the pool feeling understood!

[Sharon @proactiveparenting]

Thanks for the thanks everybody. I love the "sorry feeling" that Charisse used. It works so well. You are all such good moms!!

[the milliner]

@Sharon, I was hoping you'd chime in...thanks. :)

@Erin,OMG, my son just started doing this too. It never occurred to me that he might be doing it because he feels bad about my corrections/when I'm impatient. I assumed he did that because he was angry with me. But it makes so much sense that he may feel bad about me being unhappy with him and for doing whatever it was to warrant a correction (a consequence of his action) or impatience (my inability to deal with the situation).

@mo, Reading your post I realised that when I feel like I've really hurt someone, I find it very intense as well. Almost too hard to bear. It goes way beyond how I feel for other more run-of-the-mill transgressions. It sounds like this may be what your son felt in the situation with his Dad. One thing that helps me move through these feelings is to do something nice for the other person. Make them a card, bake them something, do something to help them, etc. Just wanted to throw that out there as a way to help your son move through these feelings in the future. Doing something feels like I am actively trying to make amends and has the extra bonus of getting my brain to focus on something more positive. Anyhow, just a thought.

[Jenny]

Ha...my girls started saying that back to me at 3.5! Yeah, I am in for it.

[Jules' Mom]

Moxie - I almost wrote you for advice 6 months ago when my 2.5 year old DS starting telling me "But that makes me saaaad" every time I told him No. Tantrums and whining don't faze me, but that statement would just get me in my gut every time. I couldn't believe my 2.5 year old had already figured me out! I didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to tell him 'No-that doesn't make you sad' and invalidate his feelings. But I finally had it one day when I had to go pee and he followed me in the bathroom saying 'No, mama, don't pee, that makes me saaaad'. So I told him 'It's ok to be sad. Sometimes things make you sad and that's ok. But mama still has to pee.' Now 6 months later he doesn't say it nearly as much anymore. Thank goodness.

[wm]

Our 2-year-old lip quivers and he sometimes cries when he is reprimanded. If it's just a reprimand, or a warning, I'll give him a hug, since he has understood the message and needs to be reassured he is still loved. If he's already gotten a warning and it's time for time out, the consequence comes first, then the hug.

[booking deals]

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aa Which is great for Megan Fox, because now all those Meryl Streep roles will be opening up for her.

But it's hard not to recall that time, oh so long in the past, when she was touting herself as the hottest thing in Hollywood since Angelina Jolie absolutely, definitely did not start making sweet, celebrity love with Brad Pitt on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. You remfgember, just before the movie that was going to make Megan Fox a Star, capital "S," bombed. Jennifer's Booty or Transformers Without the Robots and a Girl-Girl Kiss, or whatever it was called?

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