Winded

I just finished my last three-pronged, hour-and-40-minute commute. Next year both boys will be in the same school, so it'll be one-drop-off-and-then-me-to-work on days I have them, and just-me-to-work on days they're with their dad.

I was weepy all day yesterday, thinking about how much this commute stole from me this year. It sapped my energy to a concerning degree. It made me late for work every day, and tired already when I got there. It made me wake up with a feeling of panicked dread every morning, M-F. It made me turtle in, with nothing left for anyone else. I wasn't as present for friends. Even the thought of dating was ludicrous. I certainly wasn't here. I just didn't have anything left to give anyone, emotionally or physically.

I feel so bad for who I've been and how I've not been able to rise above this year. After all the stuff I've been through in the last few years, I never guessed it would be logistics that would take me down, but they did.

Now I start rebuilding myself, I guess.

What is something that took you down and sucked you under that you never expected to? Are you back yet? Or does it still have you in its claws?

Comments

[momgawaga]

Commuting in NYC... I used to live in a certain northern Manhattan neighborhood, and the commute to just the UES - without any sort of school dropoff, never mind TWO - just slayed me. Honestly, Moxie - I'm so glad to hear you won't have the same sort of commute next year. I hope you are able to take a breath today, and I applaud you for having survived it with your wits intact.

Actually, for me, being in NYC in general, which just requires so much extroversion to get through the day - and then having a job with constant face-to-face contact & an unpredictable schedule, was suffocating. For me, it was too much to take in every day... I found myself just managing, but never able to breathe enough to process at all. Despite having a newborn at the time, I regained so much energy when I returned to working in technology and left NYC behind. I had no idea at the time, however, how "in the hole" I was. Hopefully I've learned something from that experience, and am more aware when I am slipping - even if it continues to happen from time to time.

[anonfornow]

my relationship w/ my ex. even though we've separated those dynamics are still there & I'm struggling to figure out how to keep my kids safe when they are w/ him, but not be so enmeshed in solving his day to day problems. today, it seems hopeless.

[Thy]

Yeah, the commute was definitely the straw that broke the camel's back for us. And it was not even as bad as yours was. For two and a half years we did an hour each way on a subway and no matter how much I tried to convince myself that it was quality time (with books! and snacks! and cuddles!) it was just sapping the energy right out of us. That and all the day care bugs. Now, with two kids, half the commute time and a nanny life is so much easier and calmer.

[Sandra]

For me it was going through infertility and various treatments. My daughter is 4 1/2 now and at times I STILL feel the effects of 3 years of stress and heartache trying to have a child.

My nature is to bully on through whatever the "tough" situation is without stopping to take stock of the toll on me. Later I realise how hard it was. I have learned and "need" to learn from my friends who are much quicker to wave the white flag and cry uncle in an untenable situation.

[mo]

The thing that completely knocked me off my feet was getting EBV (I probably got that because I was run down from just having twins). It is Epstein Barr Virus (sp?) and it is like walking mono that lasts for a year (or more). I could barely function while I had that but I still needed to come to work and I still needed to be a mom to my twins. When it finally went away, I had hoped to be this person with tons of energy - nope, didn't work that way. I still feel tired all the time but now it is a more "normal" tired where I can function somewhat.

[Susan]

Newborn sleep depravation got me. I never thought I'd feel rested again, but 13 months later, I do.

[I got lucky because the ovulation predictor told me to.]

Sub-fertility. Our 30 months of highly-scheduled procreation-centered sex ended almost four years ago, but our sex life hasn't recovered.

[crescentgirl]

Losing my job. Though I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and it allowed that, the underhanded way they did it totally undermined my confidence and self-worth. I feel like I don't have marketable skills and who would take care of my precious, special-needs kids if I did? But how are we going to afford anything? And my husband's job is on thin ice and he refuses to acknowledge that he is sabotaging himself there ... this is all getting me way down and it's been going on for years.

[jax]

My husband is a hoarder of sorts and we live in a very small townhouse; he refuses to, or let me, clean the house and get rid of the junk. Trust me, I have tried. It only ended in huge arguments. I get depressed every day when I come home and my now walking daughter has to either sit in the fenced off living room, go to her room to play or go somewhere. she cant wander thru the house. Too dangerous. Hub leaves cans of bug spray, cigarettes and box cutters out all the time even though I swore at him a million times for it. He just doesnt think, after more than 3 years, that CHILDREN live here. I cant let him watch the youngest (16 mos) because he gets so focussed on his laptop, she gets into trouble and climbs the stairs. I have to take her with me EVERYWHERE because he wont watch her properly. I have never had a day off in more than 3 years. I have begged, pleaded and cried for him to put down the computer and play with them, but I wind up providing ALL the entertainment, all the diaper changes, meals, clothing changes, washing up, etc. Yeah, I feel anxiety (which he bitches about and doesnt understand) and tons of resentment. He is still on unemployment and I cannot get medicaid for a back condition I have thats causing me pain. He says he helps with the kids because he occasionally takes the baby out of the carseat and brings her to the house, where he dumps her on me and asks when is dinner. Yeah, I do everything. And I am expected NEVER to bitch, moan or grumble. F*ck him. I deserve a salary (yeah, I get no money either). I realise how many wives out there have great hubbies who help and they still feel ovewrwhelmed...HOW?

[Megan]

This is probably not creative at all, but for me it was, or rather, IS, sleep deprivation. It's getting better, but my 6 month old still wakes up at least twice a night and it's hard to see any time when he'll be sleeping through. I have felt like a bad mother, it's made me question my faith, and it's made me downright miserable. I knew babies woke up at night and all, but I never expected it to change my personality or to last this long.

[anontoday]

Two very good things happened to us this year - we bought a house, and I got pregnant - and while I'm not surprised that both moving and gestating a child have been draining, I am surprised at how introverted the whole process has made me. I'm not even sure I'd call it being sucked under, because I'm not really unhappy, and I'm not sure it's temporary. It's more like, having finally arrived (well, almost, in the case of the baby) at two things I waited and planned for for quite some time, I'm now rapidly re-prioritizing everything in my life and backing away from those things I no longer have a need for. Which, unfortunately, includes some of my friends. While I'm *more* inclined to reach out to family and a few close friends I've had forever, I find myself really wanting to narrow my larger circle, to the point of counting on having an infant to give me an excuse to remove myself. Which obviously is the opposite of what you're advised to do when you're going to be at home with a kid all day.

The hardest thing is that one of these friends is also pregnant, some weeks behind me, and I can't bring myself to be at all invested in her pregnancy. I'm happy for her, but have no desire to "experience" pregnancy together, or commiserate, or compare notes, or anything like that. In fact, I'm very resistant to the idea that this should somehow bring us closer or mean we should be spending more time together. And it could just be that I'm subconsciously pushing away friends I just don't have as much in common with in the hopes of filling the space with more like-minded individuals when the baby comes, but it certainly feels like I'm just being a terrible friend and purposely isolating myself.

Like I said, I'm not sure whether this is temporary, due to hormones and some sort of nesting type instinct, wanting to circle the wagons around the baby, or if it's more of a permanent change, but it's definitely weird, and it's definitely weighing on me and causing a (small) amount of strife with my extroverted, easy going, and not particularly insular husband.

[anonforthis]

Jax, I would never tell someone they should get divorced... but you should get divorced. No-one should have to live like that.

Wishing you all the best.

[Molly]

Being a stay-at-home mom has really destroyed me in ways I didn't think it would. Partly it's because I didn't expect to be one-- my husband was laid off almost immediately after the birth of our daughter, so we had to move and I had to quit my job and drop out of grad school, which felt (and still feels) like the better part of my identity was just erased. In the 19 months since then, I've spent all of my time taking care of the baby and supporting my husband's efforts to become a military officer. I'm really proud of both of them, but after more than a year and a half of depression and feeling like a person whose entire existence is limited to my tiny apartment, I'm hungry for a reason to be proud of MYSELF again.

[Chris (Mombie)]

Our school schedule knocked me for a loop this year.

The Boy is in Grade 3 from 8:45-3PM - No big, we have a short walk/ride to school. I'm all over that schedule.

The Little Guy, however, is in Kindergarten, and they rotate two weeks in mornings with two weeks in afternoons. So I either bring him to school with The Boy and then pick him up at noon, or I bring him in at 1 and pick him up at 3. Either way I up at the school 3 times a day and my work time (I write and I do accounting from home)is chopped into bits.

Your description of your situation is resonating with me, I feel like this year has dragged me along behind it. I'm looking forward to having the kids home for the summer because I'll be able to get work done and put it away instead of trying to be Mom/Writer/Bookeeper/Volunteer/Friend/Wife/Self all at once.

I hope your rebuilding goes smoothly, Moxie.

[Moxie]

Jax, leave. He is dragging you down. Think what you could do for yourself and for your kids if you weren't being sucked under by someone who doesn't care about himself or his children or you. You are worth so much more than this.

[anon today]

Jax, get out before someone calls CPS on BOTH of you -- seriously, any outsider that sees kids in a hoarding situation could call -- and you are faced with fighting to keep your kids.

[Schwa de Vivre]

Herniated discs, the surgery, their legacy. It makes me sad when I see other moms picking up their toddlers. And it's completely draining. I'm not out of it yet, and I vacillate between despair that I never will be and a belief that I can make it better, if only I could find the right cures.

Moxie, I'm so glad you won't have that commute anymore.

[Julieta]

My father's brain tumor diagnosis, and relatively quick death Aug-Dec 2008 was very draining. My sister and I were all he had and me being 2 hours away from him and still trying to drive down as much as possible while working outside the home and having two kids was hard. I had help in my DH thank God but, still.

Then the trying to sell his property that he had left to me took a year, and when that finally sold Dec 2009, I felt this big resurgence of the grief. It was like that was the last task I had to do for my Dad and now what? I was still angry and short tempered with the kids, hubby, unmotivated at work or home. Just wanted to stay in bed all day. Finally started therapy this Jan and has helped but I still can't get motivated to get out of bed - although I do. I still feel sucked under by this. Slowly crawling back up. Hopefully I will feel my old "normal" eventually.

[Irene]

Some things that have unexpectedly knocked me on my ass:

- When I moved from the east coast to Kansas for grad school, I was homesick and missed my then-boyfriend (now hubby!) so much that I couldn't eat or sleep. Had no idea it would be that hard. But it improved once I made some friends there.

- When I had my daughter, almost everything about it was a harder adjustment than I thought - breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, staying home all day with a baby, all were much worse than I had expected. SHe's 2, and I finally feel like I've adjusted to motherhood.

[Irene]

Oh, and yes. Jax. What Moxie said: you deserve better, and so do your children. If you can't leave him for your own sake, do it for theirs.

[msai]

sleep deprivation and weight gain after having babies 20 months apart.

sleep's getting a bit better, but after having spent so much of my adult life getting healthier through lots of exercise, the lack of time and space to really take good care of myself now has really been a challenge. i know lots of moms get themselves back into fantastic shape, often really soon after having the baby, but with mine 1 and 2.5 now, a full time job, no family near by, and spouse with long commute and int'l travel, i just dont know how to make it happen. wah wah wah.

[Rudyinparis]

Jax, you deserve to be happy. Whatever that means for you, is worth the work to get there. Thinking of you.

[Melba]

Haven't read the comments yet but I'll bet I'm not the first, nor the last, to say it: sleep deprivation. It took control of every moment of every day and sucked the life out of me. Turned me into the kind of parent I don't want to be. I obsessed over sleep every waking moment. Its all I thought about.

Annie's waking up 1-2 times a night now, and three times in the past couple weeks she slept through the night (I hestitated even writing those words as they are seriously the most precious words in the world to me) so I feel like I have clawed my way out. Feeling so much better now. Still not getting the amount of sleep I need, but now at least I get enough to get by. I'm not obsessed over it anymore and feel like I'm back in control.

Will read and comment on the other comments later!

[Sharon]

Infertility. It became something that sucked the joy out of everything in my life during that period of time. More than 4 years after getting pregnant, I am mostly over it, but I wish I could have those days back.

[Elaine]

Congrats on being done with the logistical hell you've been in, Moxie. It will be interesting to see what insights arise as you get some distance from it.

I tell people (particularly people that have teenage daughters) that the best thing about being 13 was that I didn't realize how awful it really was until I was 17. But this model has proved true over and over again. I think people mostly plug through with their head down until the hard stuff is over. It's when they look back that they see the full impact of the weight they were carrying.

@Jax - ditto everyone else's sentiment. Someone needs to make the kids needs a priority and it doesn't seem as if it's likely to be him. My worst-case scenario of mothering is doing absolutely everything, but only getting half the say in how things happen or, worse, only hearing from my partner when he has something critical to say about the job I'm doing. I would much rather be a single parent than have to live that scenario. It would poison me a little everyday, I think. My partner has a lazy streak a mile wide and I've had to be very clear with him about this (so far so good, but it is an ongoing thing with us). Not that it is easy - or getting you and your children to a better situation will be quick or painless. But start moving in that direction of you can.

@ Chris(mombie) - that kindergarten schedule sounds like hell. Just when you find your rhythm it changes? Triple yuck.

[electriclady]

Moxie, don't feel bad about not being able to "rise above"--I honestly don't know how on earth you survived doing that commute for as long as you did. I would have collapsed after a day.

For me, I think it was everything about the first year of my daughter's life. I'm back now, mostly.

[momseye]

For me, it was PPD. It was so completely overwhelming to suddenly give up everything that was my life to spend all day and night with a crying infant. The sleep deprivation was far worse than I ever imagined and lasted so much longer than I thought it would. DS didn't sleep through the night until he was 13 months. I quit my job to become a SAHM mom and didn't expect that I would miss my job and my friends so much. The isolation and the anxiety and the endlessness of it all were just so terrible. I felt like it would never end.
Thankfully, with a great therapist, some meds, a supportive family, and the natural progression of children from crying lumps to fun little people - life is much, much better now. Most days I adore being a mom, even when it's hard and overwhelming. Back when I was just starting out, I never thought I'd be able to say that.

[meggiemoo]

- 90-minute commute each way. Stopping 3 places before I finally roll into my work (late every day). Having to work at night after the kids go to sleep to make up for the work I'm missing commuting.

- 1st year of each child's life...love it for so many reasons, hate the sleep deprivation. My 15-month-old is down to waking once a night, which is truly freaking miraculous.

Jax, my heart goes out to you. I hope you find the strength to leave that situation. There are far, far better things waiting for you in the universe!

[blue]

OK, I've done the math and that is 14% of your life spent stressing and traveling to and fro. It is no surprise that this is what took you under. It's just too much. So glad for you that things will be simplified.

Becoming a first time parent--that first month home alone with a baby--is what did it for me. I have a supportive spouse, never struggled with fertility and I am SO grateful for my children and their health. But, man, that almost broke me.

[stacy]

The first year or so of my son's life was pretty difficult in retrospect. There were the obvious things like sleep dep and pumping at work, but also dealing with a depressed husband who was a stay-at-home-dad, not 100% by choice. He did a great job, but man was that a difficult two years. My son started daycare at age 13 months in the hope that my husband would get a job but it took him a whole year and more to actually get one, so that second year was in some ways, mentally harder than the first year.

Things are far from perfect now (perfection is not realistic), but we're all sleeping and employed so that is an improvement. But one thing I'm starting to realize in thinking about those early years, is that I don't think we'd be able to handle a second child. My son is 4.5 now and I'm 36. And you know? I think I may be okay with this...

[hush]

@Moxie - Big congrats on the end of your soul-sucking commute, and good for you for being able to name the problem and see it for what it is.

@Jax - Ditto what everyone else said. You can't feel safe unless your family is safe.

Small town life amongst people with virtually no ideological similarities to DH & me totally, unexpectedly took me down & sucked me under, but I am finding my way back to shore, slowly but surely.

[anon2today]

sex drive or lack thereof
for years, ashamed to count...
then eating and suddently 30 lbs overweight...
that is part of my drain

[Koshercow]

I am pulled down by the betrayal of friends and family. One family member who hasn't spoken to me in almost a year because of a perceived bad comment (and this person is the king of nasty remarks). It affects our children who are cousins...one friend who has shared my child's first year and more, but who now hasn't had contacted for me for about 5 months - she found another friend and has basically dumped me without explanation. Sounds silly and juvenile but very hurtful all the same. I don't know what I will say when I run into her in person.

I feel like I make all the effort all the time to make friends, reach out to potential friends in my community. So hard to make the deep connections. The loneliness is crushing sometimes. Not as bad in summer but definitely in winter. The loneliness was highlighted by the recent visit of a college friend from 20 years ago. We don't even live in the same country but we're still close.

It's just so hard sometimes.

[Koshercow]

I am pulled down by the betrayal of friends and family. One family member who hasn't spoken to me in almost a year because of a perceived bad comment (and this person is the king of nasty remarks). It affects our children who are cousins...one friend who has shared my child's first year and more, but who now hasn't had contacted for me for about 5 months - she found another friend and has basically dumped me without explanation. Sounds silly and juvenile but very hurtful all the same. I don't know what I will say when I run into her in person.

I feel like I make all the effort all the time to make friends, reach out to potential friends in my community. So hard to make the deep connections. The loneliness is crushing sometimes. Not as bad in summer but definitely in winter. The loneliness was highlighted by the recent visit of a college friend from 20 years ago. We don't even live in the same country but we're still close.

It's just so hard sometimes.

[Cloud]

As bad as sleep deprivation is... I'd have to say the thing that really surprised me was how hard it was overall to adjust to being a mother. I never expected that transition to be so hard in so many different ways. I was used to being a relatively confident career woman (and still was, when I was at work), and suddenly I was a know-nothing, bumbling fool of a mother. I felt so judged by everyone.

I'm through that now, and have been for awhile. I'm much more confident as a mom, don't feel so judged anymore, and feel comfortable in my own skin.

@Megan- it WILL get better. I had a spectacularly bad sleeper for a first baby, and even she started sleeping through the night eventually. The first year was really, really hard, and by the end of the second year I was actually ready to have another baby. My second is a much better sleeper, thankfully. Still, I'm just coming out of a return foray into the sleep deprivation trenches, and yeah- it sucks.

@jax- I agree with everyone else. Take stock and figure out whether you'll be happier with him or without him, and then do what is right for you and your kids. That said, some hoarding is an actual mental illness. Maybe he could be persuaded to get help?

[Melba]

I thought I did a second comment but it's not here... it went something like this (though this is the coles notes version):

@Megan - I KNOW what you mean about it changing your personality. It turned me into this person I didn't know or even like. I had no idea it would do that to me.

@Jax - I don't think I know enough about you or your situation to say you should leave, but it's an option to seriously consider. And I think you need to map out for yourself the conditions in which you are willing to live, and what you are not willing to live with. The not-willing things have to change, and your husband is a grown up who has the capability to make changes in his life. Like he needs to get professional help, needs to give a $h!t about himself/you/the kids, needs to put effort into the marriage and into fatherhood. If he can't or won't do the things that you and your children need, well then... evaluate your options. Good luck. And sorry that you have to deal with this.

[Raia]

Grief. Specifically, the grief that I still feel for my last pregnancy loss, which was about 2.5 years ago. Losing that pregnancy (twins @ 23ish weeks....so close to viability) was the hardest thing I've ever experienced, even though I know that without that loss I wouldn't now have the baby boy that I adore so much...so I also feel really guilty, as if mourning my twins means that my son isn't as important as he so obviously is. Tried grief counseling at the time, but it didn't help much.

[maria]

Well, being on the run with my child from domestic violence and having to start life over in a new place AND face an ugly legal battle to protect my child.

But I will say, having been in our "new lives" for a year now, it's beginning to feel more like home, and I finally have an actual in-the-flesh friend based on more than simply being parents of kids in the same class. Yesterday I was depressed, today I'm feeling good – just like real life (whoops, better watch out for that lightning strike…).

[crescentgirl]

@I got lucky ...: Yep, been there. It can get better but you have to work at it, like take an island vacation or something. Child-free.

[Kristin]

Schwa de Vivre, I feel your pain, hang in there :) I am dealing with a herniated disc right now too, in addition to a history of back problems and Fibromyalgia and some days I just wonder how I will get through. I have an active, 20 month old son and I can barely keep up with him. When does the physical aspect of caring for kids get easier? I often wonder if I would be better off, health wise, in a desk job instead of at home with him. I also developed all kinds of problems with my shoulder from carrying him (tendinitis, bursitis, strained muscle), had whiplash from a car accident in the winter storm. Yeah, the physical issues have me beaten down.

[crescentgirl]

@Megan - we were there, too, with our youngest and finally discovered he was sensitive to corn - syrup, starch, and it has a million names. You might get your child tested by a naturopath for food sensitivities. When my guy got off the stuff I didn't know he was sensitive to, he went from sleeping maybe two hours in a row (for two years) to sleeping 10 at night. Just like that. I am not a huge natural medicine prosyletizer but man, I went from feeling like a torture victim to a human being.

[toomuchstrong]

Having my first baby is what knocked me off my feet. And continued to do so for a couple of years! I was sort of pissed at the life that was taken away from me even though I actually loved being a mother. Go figure.
Moving to the East Coast from the West Coast and having very little support, a tough job and dating too many guys instead of taking care of myself.
So glad to hear you are back Moxie!! Don't be hard on yourself. You figured it out and that's what matters. Welcome back!!!!

[Nancy]

My first marriage sucked me down into a black hole. I rushed into it, hoping it would be something it wasn't, old/smart enough to know better but not to stop hoping, I guess. He was a drinker, selfish, basically a jerk. Over the years I sunk in upon myself, eventually blocking out friends, family, even myself, I was in such a deep dispair feeling like I knew what I had gotten myself into, so I deserved to be there. Eventually, I got fed up and took action -- took a new job several hundred miles away. Tried to make it work long distance, but knew in my heart it was finally over and it was finally ok to start being me again. Spent many months holed up in my little apartment, doing jigsaw puzzles, reading, watching TV, sleeping... just being quiet. Started yoga, started making friends, started cooking again, started being in contact with friends and family more often. Eventually found my TRUE LOVE and made beautiful babies, and we're living happily ever after. It took a leap of faith, time, and a lot of self-forgiveness. Still have the occasional nightmares about him and that life, but it's so far behind me (8 years later) that dreams are about the only place it exists now.

I'm happy that I gave myself a break and took a chance -- now have a life that suits me, and a true partner!

[PackingIsNotNesting!]

Having a daughter - I joke with my husband that I am a kick-ass pregnant woman, but that motherhood kicked my ass. I think part of it was having to schedule a c-section for a breech baby after planning to go natural. There was something so ... clinical... about a scheduled surgery to have a baby and I feel like it took until a few weeks ago (months into my second pregnancy) to really feel connected to my dd in the way I'd imagined I would. Those first few months were so hard, and my incision ached any time I was stressed for 2 years after the birth.

[anonymous]

being a mom. 4.5 years later, still trying to drag myself out of resentment, depression, inertia. Not every minute of every day.great husband. been to a few therapists, none have given much help. always did take meds. Its the lack of motivation that I can't seem to overcome. never seem to catch-up with the little things to do a few big things.

[anonymous]

can anyone tell jax the steps she needs to take to begin the process of becoming an independant parent? what resources should she google?

[Schwa de Vivre]

@Kristin: thanks. DS wasn't quite 2 when I had my surgery . . . which wasn't too long after I returned to sitting at a desk a lot.

FWIW, at least some of the not-carrying him seems developmentally appropriate, especially since my little one likes a lot of independence. It seems like a good thing to work towards. I just wish I didn't have to do it all the time.

Hang in there yourself.

[maria]

@anonymous/jax: My suggestion would be to start with some counseling – individual rather than couple, unless he really wants to participate (in which case I'd do individual counseling also). No one on the internet can decide whether leaving the marriage is the right thing for you, but regardless of whether you stay, go, or something in between, the support and perspective of a counselor will help.

It sounds like his behavior and attitudes are at least borderline abusive, so in the name of safety and sanity I'd proceed accordingly: maybe start by getting a private cell phone and/or email address, put away some money if at all possible – even a few bucks a week will help if it turns into an emergency, and begin looking for a place to stay, either temporarily (like with friends or family) or longer term (an apartment of your own).

Feel free to email me if you want to talk about it. Above all, be safe and follow your gut – it will tell you what direction to go. The point someone made about the possibility of DSS involvement in the situation you describe is not out of the realm of possibility, so please err on the side of caution and your kids' health and well-being.

[Cathy]

There are so many situations you have to figure out how to go over, under, around, or through in life, and they bring you down until you do.

I feel like this school year was one of them - things with the oldest are tricky, but stabilizing (I hope), with lots of professional help and prescriptions. Still looking over my shoulder though.

The time that my MIL, with early onset Alzheimer's and no resources, was living with us was another of those eras. It was only a year and a half, but it still feels like 4 in retrospect.
That newborn baby fog + the time until you start feeling like yourself again. Tricky.

[andrea]

Jax, I saw an episode of Hoarders recently in which the couple's two children HAD been removed from the home because of the dangers posed by the mother's hoarding.

As kneejerk as it may be, my reaction to your story was also: Ugh, leave that lazy, uninvolved, uncaring SOB - for your daughter's sake if not your own. But I know it's not nearly that easy. Good luck with whatever option you choose. Starting with some individual counselling is a great idea.