A thought on the current state of things

It occurred to me* that maybe we wouldn't have all the problems like oil spills that could have been prevented, corporate scandals of all ilks, and tampered medications for kids if we hadn't been so focused as parents on drumming into our children's heads that they should never "tattle" on other kids.

Thoughts?

*as I was reading NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merriman, which is an outstanding and fascinating book that's switched my thinking in a bunch of ways. Want to read it, too, and then we can talk about it on June 11?

Comments

[caramama]

@Julie's explanation of why kids tattle, @Sharon's addition of "knowing the rules" and @BlueBirdMama's breakdown of parenting books have all blown my mind! You guys are awesome!

[amelia]

Speaking for myself, this definition of tattling only deepens my confusion and, frankly, my annoyance with the no tattling rule: "tattling is when telling benefits you; telling benefits others. As in, if someone's hitting someone else, that's telling, and that's ok." Does that mean that telling if someone's hitting you is not ok? Why isn't that ok? If adults really care about the rules, why do they not care if they are being broken and I am being harmed as a result? Why is "not tattling" seen as a higher imperative for the adult in question than "punishing someone who has hit me"? But I found Julie's discussion very helpful and it had a lot of resonance for me as to the issues actually involved.

[anon]

Amelia, I take it to the next level. If a child is hitting you and you tell me, you are helping yourself, but you are also helping the other child Deep down, children don't want to be people that hit. They just need help creating better solutions to handle their feelings. So in this case you are helping two people with one act of telling - a win/win.

[juliag]

The thing they point out in Nuture Shock, if I remember correctly, is that kids only tattle 1 out of 14 times on average. They do "work it out" on their own a lot and they do keep it to themselves a lot, but they also need to check in and can reach a breaking point. Even before reading the book I've been wary of "no tattling" remarks...seems like an odd message to send. I wish to hell that I'd tattled on some of my teenage friends, who were practically begging for their parents to step in....

[scharkey]

alrighty - I'm interested in the Nuture Shock discussion. :)

[attiton]

I'm putting BlueBirdMama's summary up on my fridge.

As for the tattling thing, I would just want to make sure that my kids don't think that it is their responsibility to fix every relationship problem they see around them. That was the way my mom was raised and it has done her little good. When there's danger involved, that's one thing, but if it's just a discussion about the "rules of the game," a little sympathy surely can't hurt.

[Lisa]

Julie, @May 20, 12:27, I loved your explanation of the tattlers motivation, but I'd also love to hear your various responses to these kids. ALso @Sharon, I like the idea of saying to a tattler, "so and so, I'm glad you were listening and learned the rules, maybe so and so will learn them soon, too"...

My 4 year old tells me when someone has been hurting her at school, and I always say, "did you ask the teacher for help?" And She says no, BECAUSE this teacher made it perfectly clear to parents and kids that they must solve their own disputes, which frankly, my 3 and now 4 year old only child needs to learn with guidance. 3 days in the first week she came home with a head full of sand, and would not ask for help, or was denied help. Finally I spoke to the teacher, and she said, "oh, I didn't realize that was happening, I'll have to keep a closer eye on that".

This year she will be attending a Progressive Education preschool which uses the Collaborative Problem Solving method. I will continue to instruct her to ask for help from adults if their is hurting or a dispute.

When her friends at home tattle on her, I either address it, or explain to the "tattler" that maybe her friend needs a minute by herself, or that if my daughter does not share after a few minutes, when nicely asked, I will certainly help her take turns.

Love the online book club/discussion idea, hope to get a chance to read Nurture Shock in time!

[hedra]

There's also a degree of personality involved. I have one child of four who is a reporter. She just needs a witness. She'll run in and tell me what the cat is doing, what the other kids are doing, etc., etc. Good, bad, indifferent, interesting, whatever, she just likes to be able to frame it verbally for someone else. "Thanks for letting me know" is about all she needs most of the time.

I help her understand the difference between reporting "such and such happened" (I swear she'd make a great journalist), and reporting to authority "something happened for which we do not have a solution given the current conditions, can you please come help?" It only takes separating them in my head and responding accordingly for her to get the idea. She's quite satisfied with 'that's interesting, thanks for letting me know' if it is just reporting on events. She's also quite satisfied with me coming in and finding out what was going on if it was unsafe/disrespectful/unkind, and working out a solution (modeling) or being there while they work out a solution, or helping come up with ideas for solutions (coaching).

I find there's very little 'tattling' in the sense of 'trying to get someone else in trouble' once they get the idea that there are different reasons for 'telling'. ... though when it happens, almost always it is a way of saying 'I did something wrong, I don't feel good' - because typically, they tattle with that tone of 'please get him in trouble' when *they* instigated, not when it was a pure accident or unintentional issue. Usually if it was accidental, they just run and solve the problem. If they were instigating, they're already past their coping skills with the situation, and are now to the 'getting a reaction any way I can' level.

And I love Po. Haven't read the book yet (read the articles and blog), but expect to learn stuff.

[hedra]

(in the above, I mean with my kids - only four personalities there, so YMMV! My kids don't 'tattle' much unless they were involved in creating the problem...)

I also found it valuable to recognize that kids typically have tried many ways to resolve a problem on their own before going to an adult for help. They're constantly doing social triage, and sometimes it just gets away from them.

As for corporate stupidity, there's a lot of systemic issue here, but I think one of the more important ones is the tendency for people to cut themselves moral/ethical 'slack' in one area if they believe they are highly moral/ethical in another.

[Trish Galvin]

When my girls were five and three, we had a friend's children (three and two) over to play. Five minutes after telling the three year olds something I had said many times along the lines of "You should tell your friend he is not suppose to do that, not come tattle-tailing to get him in trouble. Handle it yourself." my five year old came to tattle. The two year old boy was chasing the girls with a stick which is what they were trying to tell me in the first place. We decided that if it is a safety issue you should always tell an adult.

[Jen]

tattling to me = whining about things that don't matter. If someone is being hurt, that's another thing. So no ... I stand by "no tattling" ...

[Karissa - Mom Blog Work]

I thought Nurture Shock was a really interesting read. My co-blogger and I really got into some of the chapters when we were reviewing it. I do have to say that the Race chapter was one that really stood out to me as the white mama of two half-Filipino kids but some of it has backfired a little on me! After reading the book I dived into talking about race with my 3.5 yo a bit - pointing out who else is Filipino in her family, etc. And then one day at daycare my fabulous daycare lady pulled me aside to tell me that my daughter was telling other kids they couldn't play with her because they were "too dark"! OMG! I know it came from my conversations with her. Luckily I was armed with an understanding from the book that to children it's the same as shirt color, etc - they're just categorizing. However, we did have to have a discussion about how it's not right to exclude people - especially if it's by skin color! ARG! Apparently my desire to add the "but everybody is equal" disclaimer to every race conversation was still needed. :(

[Lilly Adams]

This article hits close to home. It is true that most parents teach their kids not to tattle. I was just in a situation with my college room-mate who was partying every night. I was not sure if I should report er or not because I was always told not to tattle and I was afraid of confrontation. I have decided to hire a moving company http://www.ssmovers.com My Mother helped me find a new apartment off campus.

[Preety]

Love this post, and totally agree with you on all the pnitos. I'm pretty sensitive to criticism myself, and at the least I've learned to take it professionally (#4) and do my fuming later when I'm alone. I love #2, and I must say I live by it at work! I need to do better with #5 though.

[happyy]

FitFlop are known for ladies shoes but will also provide reduced series for men and youngsters. However, keep in mind noticeable and "fitness footwear" isn't a option to using the workout room, nevertheless remains an excellent choice! With the many associated with sandals resorts on the market today, sandals are the most commonly encountered and well-liked. You will find this great deal of flip-flops from a number of tickets, by having a common solution appearing FitFlop. FitFlop shoes or boots are an ideal choice like, by utilizing unique products, will look into actual elements of musculature which need to use the moment walking, running etcetera. FitFlops expand hamstring answer, rectus femoris as well as thigh response. Each stage which you bring by way of FitFlops little by little can help to strengthen your current your butt plus muscle tissues. FitFlops possess major effect throughout muscles tightening of the feet. The big body often called rectus femoris is without a doubt prompted since you walk throughout FitFlops in lieu of strolling not usuing running shoes or any other shoes and boots. A further support with the FitFlop sneaker facilitates lessening restaurant pressure in addition to soaks in jolts in addition to pressure, pretty much all rendering amazing level of comfort. A lot of FitFlop customers have noticed a large difference with regards to pain if sporting FitFlop sneaker and then proclaim the idea cushions feet a lot of more suitable which usually same in principle "fitness sneaker".

[url=http://fitfloppietra.webs.com]fitflop thailand sale[/url]
[url=http://fitfloppietra.webs.com]fitflop thailand[/url]