Second verse

Having a second child can suck, no?

I mean, let's all assume the disclaimer that we love our children and would give our lives for them, and are thrilled to have been able to have a first child and a second and more if we have them, and we wouldn't trade them for $50 billion or all the uninterrupted reading time in the world. And to all those of you still in the struggle to have your second (or first, or third, or fourth, or wherever you're stuck) child, we wish there was a way we could make it all happen painlessly and easily and for free and with no emotional stress for you and RIGHT NOW. So no one here is being ungrateful, and we wanted this child.

But.

It's hard. The dividing of the energy and awareness. The two conflicting needs. The knowing what's coming next and just wishing you could either fast-forward to it or through it. The insecurity of having felt like you were finally figuring out how to parent #1 and then #2 comes along and is an Entirely Different Person and you're, in a lot of ways, at square one all over again.

And you just feel bone-tired all the time, and cranky, and incompetent. It's like being in a snowglobe that's just been shaken violently.

I'm hoping that those of us who've survived the first year of having more than one child can give some support and perspective to those of you still in it. I'll start:

Consistency is for suckers. Your second child is not your first child, and the sooner you can connect with that and make decisions based on that, the better it will be for everyone. My first child was a Tension Increaser, so I couldn't let him cry for even 30 seconds or he'd escalate for hours and never fall asleep. My second child needed to cry to release enough tension to fall asleep. I struggled with letting him cry for weeks before I gave in to letting him create his own white noise, and then sleep became so much easier for all of us. If I'd really connected with the idea that they could be so different, I'd have saved a lot of struggle. Giving each of your kids what they *need* is good parenting. As long as you're not actually favoring one over the other, you don't have to make things equal or do things the same way you did with your first.

This isn't the rest of your life. Wow. I can still remember waking up in the morning and thinking, "How am I going to do this for the rest of my life??" Well, it's not. Even though the days all seem the same right now, at a certain point you'll find yourself being annoyed that your kids can't agree on which DVR'd episode of Phineas & Ferb to watch together. And that will, honestly, be the worst thing that happens to you in a four-hour stretch. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes kids are jerks. Yes, the precious, rainbow-pooping lights of your life, but jerks nonetheless. Kids are little teeny people, and people all act like jerks, intentionally or not, every once in awhile. It's ok to be in touch with the fact that your kid's not doing you any favors. And, I'd argue, it's really really ok to let kids who are old enough to process it know when they've hurt your feelings.

You're not the only one. Remember when you had your first kid, and people kept saying things like "Treasure these precious moments" and you felt like a horrible monster because it was so hard, and then you met just one person who was willing to say "Of course I love my baby but this is way worse than I thought it would be"? Well, yeah. This was way worse than I thought it would be. (But then it got way better.)

FWIW, I felt like things got sharply better when my younger one was about 11 months old.

Now, anyone else out there who feels like they're mostly on the other side of the shock of having a sibling for your first one? What do you have for parents still in the trenches? At what point did it get better?

Comments

[MissDC]

Thank you for this post today Moxie!! I am in the thick of feeling hopeless about life with two (my youngest is 4 mos, oldest is 2) and I really need these constant reminders that the state of sleeplessness chaos that is our life right now is temporary.

[Angela]

I am trying for my second, and now I am terrified.

[ML]

No advice, just trying to suck it up--Little Girl is 8.5 mo, is creeping quickly and lots of trouble (at least more trouble at this age than her brother, who wasn't interested in mobility until 10-11 mo). Her daytime sleep is great (first's was awful), but nighttime is hungry time (he slept a bit better).

Yes to the crankiness, perpetual exhaustion. Yes to the guilt: when I spend time with #1, I feel badly I'm not spending as much time with #2 and vice versa. Did anyone feel intense anxiety at random times during the day when engrossed in activity with one child, like OHMYGOD--WHERE IS THE OTHER KID? I still have those, but they're rare now, it's a relief not to feel that 5 times a day.

Luckily, #1 (at 3.25 yo) is resilient and very bookish (ie: we don't have to run around constantly to amuse him) and #2 is extremely easygoing in personality. Besides a few brief episodes of jealousy, it has been calm on the sibling rivalry front (I know it won't last long!) since #1 mainly ignored #2. Lately, he gives her the sweetest goodnight kisses (her eyes read pure terror or bafflement, I'm not sure which), the sight of which makes my heart melt. And then I go back to wishing I could nap for a month.

[Beth Wolfe]

I'd love to know at what point it gets better. My older son loves having a baby brother, and I'm crazy about both of them, but it's very difficult for me feeling like I'm pulled in two (sometimes more!) directions at once.

[Amanda]

This is SO timely. I'm really struggling right now (older son is 3, younger son is 3 months).

I think some of it was expectations...since I'd done the baby thing before that it would be significantly easier the second time around. And it is, in certain ways, but the hard parts are even harder!

[caramama]

My daughter, the spirited-and-poor-sleeper one, is now 3 years old. My son, the second child, is almost 10 months old. And I bid you good day from the other side!

I didn't realize I'd feel like I'm on the other side, so soon, but here I am. Waving you all on over. Promising things will get MUCH better soon--for most of you, at least! And I've been on this side since the baby was about 8 months old.

I am often expressing how difficult this parenting thing is. But right now, I'm going to go on and on (as I tend to do) about how wonderful this being a parent of two children is. I LOVE IT! I love being a mom to two children. I love having my two kids with me, doing things with them, playing with them. Heck, last night I told my husband that I love doing their laundry! Sorting their little clothes and even checking for stains! This, from the woman who was so depressed last year while pregnant that I didn't know how I would possibly manage with two kids!

So think of me, if you are depressed or worried or anxious or whatever. PLEASE get some help to get you through whatever you are going through. There is a good chance that once you've gotten help and once you are on the other side, you will be as happy, amazed and thrilled with having two kids as I am. (Yes, this really is me writing this. And I don't think I've been possessed or taken over by aliens.)

Things that have helped get me to the other side:

-Like Moxie said, my second is SO different from my first. A little controlled crying sleep training was what he needed to start sleeping better after the 6 month mark.

-Once the baby started crawling, things have been much easier for me to handle the two by myself. I can put him on the floor in a child-safe room, and I don't have to worry about him much because he generally goes where he wants and can do what he wants.

-And the best part about having two? Even though the second doesn't get as much attention from me and hubby as the first child did, the second also gets the attention of the first. In fact, my daughter loves to entertain my son, and he LOVES to watch his sister. It's so much easier to me, having them entertain each other instead of it having to be mommy mommy mommy all the time!

[Meghan]

Great post! I feel like with a 10 month old and a 2 1/2 year old I am just on the precipace of it getting easier, but WOW has it been an intense year! In addition to sleep and just the magnitude of demand, now that the little one is mobile it seems like never ending conflict over stuff.

One question I'd love to hear others experience with is - how can you nuture a positive relationship btwn siblings? I find myself so frustrated and upset when my son is rough/mad at/hostile towards his sister. I understand that he's had to adjust to a lot and they are only 20months apart so it's a little intense, but geez, I really want him to love her and sometimes I'm not sure we're going to get there.

Any thoughts?

[MerrilyNJ]

Oh Mox, you've done it again. I am 5 months pregnant with #2 - Baby Girl is 14 months old. They will be 19 months apart. This was not planned (but very much wanted, I love my baby, what a precious gift, blah blah blah, vomit). Baby #2 is due the first day of high school football season. Husband is a high school football coach. I am alone - ALONEALONEALONE - for 4 consecutive months. Closest family is 90 miles away. Friends are few and far between. I am a working career-minded mom. Who has time for friends?

HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS?

I'll never be able to afford 2 in daycare, we'll never be able to live on one salary. I want to know how to physically survive this. Grocery shopping, showering, for cripe's sake going to the damn bathroom, doctor's appointments, laundry? How do you even do laundry? Do you velcro the older one to the walls while you strap the younger one in a swing?

I fear drowning... My mantra is breathe. I am not the first, I am not the last, and time passes quickly. The sun still rises every day right? Right?

[caramama]

@Meghan: I actually think a lot of it might be age. I have noticed a dramatic difference in my daughter's development since right about when she turned 3. She seems to have a great ability for understanding all sorts of things, from empathy to scheduling.

But we did do some things to encourage the sibling bond:

-We've had a dog and cat since before my daughter was born, and we've been teaching her since birth to be gentle and careful with them. We transferred that to the baby brother.

-Although I can let them play together, they still require pretty much constant oversight (or over-listening). I'm often running interference on who had what toy and making sure the 3 yo doesn't hug too hard or pull the baby down when he's trying to crawl away.

-We've been discussing the need for "space" but I don't think she truly understood the concept until her recent developmental spurt.

-We are often pointing the things that the baby can't have or can't do, and playing up all the things she can do and have.

-We are sure to keep her toys from the baby if she really doesn't want to share. If it's a baby-approriate toy, we encourage her to share because she also likes to play with his toys. But if she really doesn't want to, she does not have to share. (Our peditrician suggested having a special toy or area for her toys that is off-limits to the baby, but we haven't needed that just yet.)

-I highly recommend the use of baby dolls and/or stuffed animals for the older sibling to play with while you are taking care of the baby. With continued encouragement, my daughter plays with her dolls in all the same ways as we take care of her brother. So if I have to put the baby to bed, she wants to put her doll to bed and that keeps her out of my hair when I need to concentrate on the baby.

I will add here, though, that I feel this is one area where we have (so far) lucked out. Sure we did things to help, but (so far) the adjustment to being a sibling has gone pretty well.

[liberrian]

Thank you for this post. Whew. I think I'm getting to that point. Almost. I think the nice weather this weekend is helping. (#2 is 2 weeks shy of his first birthday. #1 is 3 1/2.) But then we have a night like last night, where baby is screaming intermittently from 2:30am till 7am when we get up and I feel like I'm back at square one.

For me, one of the hardest thing to accept about the last year (really, the last year and nine months--pregnancy #2 was no picnic) is that, though I always thought I wanted 3 kids, I cannot go through pregnancy and newborn-stage again. I cannot imagine putting myself through it again. And that makes me sad and makes me ask myself lots of follow-up questions about choices I've made and priorities I seem to have.

On the other hand, this morning in the car, both kids had little egg-shaped shakers in their hands, and they were shaking them together and watching each other and laughing so hard and it was the best thing I've ever seen.

[AG]

I started reading this blog because I thought it provided helpful parenting tips, but I feel like lately it has just devolved into constant negativity. What exactly did you expect parenting to be? Granted, I'm only on baby #1 (1 year old), but it's fantastic and I LOVE being a mother (I don't even mind the middle of the night wakings, which are still happening), and I never felt like a "horrible monster." It's not all sunshine and daisies, and I'm not denying that a lot of women have a difficult time adjusting to parenthood, but please stop trying to paint us all with such a broad brush. If you don't have children yet and are reading this blog, don't believe everything you read!

[Rudyinparis]

@MerrilyNJ, I remember feeling just the same way! The logistics of having two really threw me into a fuzzy terror. I think I remember even asking here about what the best process was to get them into the car--which one first? (Short answer: whichever one is most mobile, get them in and secured first.) The answers do come. You find your stride and your style.

I'm definitely on the other side of it--with a 6 and a half year old and a 4 year old. There are still hard moments... almost every night there's the tussle over who is Mama going to lay with.... and Younger cries and and Eldest is called on, yet again, to be the Mature Big Sister. (I find scheduling special outings with just me and Eldest helps the dynamic tremendously.) I find myself saying, calmly: There is just one of me and there are two of you. I am trying my hardest to make you each happy. Let's figure this out together.

[Emily]

This might be the best parenting column I have ever read. I really, truly thought we weren't going to survive with two children (now 3 and 1), but now, everything is OK. My youngest had tremendous colic, and my husband once came home from work at midnight, 2-year old passed out with a blanket on the floor and the baby and me both crying- him screaming and me crying that I had ruined our 2-year old's life by having another baby. But now, things are pretty smooth. It's amazingly horrific when you are in those first few months, but it gets better sooner than you think. :)

[Beth]

I have to admit... we've been talking about having a second one and I'm a little scared now.

[ARC]

AG - it's great that you are so happy and positive all the time. Not all of us are and this is a unique place to come for that support. There are plenty of "mommyblogs" that are all sunshine and daisies, so maybe you'd be better off reading one of those.

I like it that people can be honest about the not-so-great aspects of being a parent here. I don't think Moxie is saying everyone is that way, but those of us who are appreciate having a safe non-judgmental place to vent/get support.

[Jess]

The days where I'm the best with my kids (almost 4 and 7.5 months) is when I don't try so hard. When I let them lead. It's so hard to do that, though. Sometimes, there are just things that need to be done and when they don't cooperate everything seems to fall apart. The thing that saves me is knowing that I can try all over again tomorrow and that the oldest bounces back quickly and as soon as she's proclaimed me the meanest mommy ever, she's back to thinking that I'm the best thing ever.

The thing that I feel the most guilt over is that I'm enjoying my youngest so much, when I was in a bit of a fog with his sister when she was a baby. It's not because he's a "better baby", but that *I* am better. I feel like she knows...

[AG]

ARC -
I am not "so happy and positive" all the time. I have struggled with depression my entire life and I know that many people have a hard time of it--with life generally, and with kids. I don't want to minimize that. It just seems like Moxie's posts are increasingly all about how much it sucks to be a parent. And when I first read her post today, I thought "gee, it's going to be awful when I have another child" until I remembered that some her posts on how awful parenting an infant can be did not mirror my experience at all and only served to make me anxious about things that never ended up happening for me. You're right, I should probably just stop reading the blog, but as I said, I did find it helpful for some things when my daughter was younger, and all I was trying to say is that it's a shame that to get to the helpful things, one has to wade through so much negativity.

[MLB]

There is one big advantage to having #2, (or 3 or 4, etc.) and that is the feeling that you KNOW that this too shall pass. I had a hard time seeing the end of hard periods with my first born and now the perspective that I have based on her development has helped me with my younger two. It also helps with my older child as I can see that she has also matured and developed. So just know that if you wait it out you will be okay. I also realized after having one, that if the babies had to cry for a little bit because I was unavailable, it was not as dire as I once thought it was.

[Slim]

MerrilyNJ:
Take whatever help you can get. Remember that what seems big to you is nothing at all to people who are not similarly swamped. I wish there were some sort of lantern people could project into the sky, a la Batman, when they need something but can't seem to manage it. Take the baby for a walk? Bring you a sack of groceries? No problem!
Buy whatever help you can, at least for the early months. Drop off laundry at a wash-and-fold laundromat, or hand it over if they offer pickup. Serve easy meals that look nothing like what you believe meals should look like. Get a housecleaner. Have a neighborhood kid play with your older child in the afternoons while you collapse nearby and nurse. Never, ever tell yourself that you have to do something yourself just because other mothers do or because you think you technically could.

[juliejaw11]

I swear Moxie, you have a camera in my brain and in our house. Oldest is 2.5 and youngest is 4.5 months. My son was indifferent when his sister was born, but in the last 2 weeks has become so quiet and sort-of depressed like? It gets worse when he sees that I am holding the baby and it breaks my heart. I am a very active play-partner for my son and now that I can't do it they way I used to do....modified with baby in arms, it is almost as if he has given up on me and I HATE that feeling.

I can't wait to read the rest of the posts because I am totally living this right now.

[alisha]

Wow, timely, timely. And my initials also happen to be AG, but I don't use that "handle"! @AG herself, I am thrilled that you are having a great experience. I read this blog for advice as well, but also for the empathy and the relief that I don't have to put on a brave and shining face all the time. In real life, I am sure most of us appear far more upbeat and positive; perhaps this is just a place to let go of that for many of us.

I'm heading for child number two within three weeks and I'm very nervous, so this post and comments are reassuring to me. Currently, my mantra is "at least I'm not nauseous," since this has been a difficult pregnancy. I'm hoping this mantra will sustain me through the tension and sleeplessness. And caramama, this preg seems to mirror your second(not to mention that my 2.5 year is also sleep-challenged and spirited!)--thank you very much for sharing that things get better.

[Jennifer]

My youngest daughter is 8 1/2 months old and my oldest daughter turned 3 last week. Life got easier when my youngest learned to crawl. Thankfully, she did so earlier rather than later (~6 1/2 months). For the first time this morning, my oldest got down and asked my youngest "Do you want to play with me?". That really struck me because it showed how my oldest's perception and appreciation of my youngest is changing. They now share a room and they are starting to do a lot more together. My oldest is a real wild child and my youngest is so easy-going that she is the perfect match for my demanding 3 year-old. Be prepared for the first 3 months to be the hardest work of your life, but, if it's any consolation, it's all such a blur now.

The one thing I really resent being told (and by everyone, it seemed) was that the 28 months age difference was "perfect". There is no perfect age difference. My two was the MOST terrible terrible two year old and adding a newborn halfway through was no walk in the park. No matter what the age difference between the children, there are always going to be advantages and disadvantages.

[lydia]

My mom told me: sometimes they will both cry at the same time. I had a very hard time accepting that. That I couldn't seamlessly move from one's needs to the next.

And my first child is very intense, and difficult in ways I haven't quite figured out yet. Having the second, easygoing one, relieves me of the worry that I did or am doing something to make her that way (well, unless it was having her brother when she was 2).

And right now? They're laughing sweetly together, having just solved their fight over which Zoboomafoo episode to watch.

[paola]

Firstly my kids are spaced almost 24 months apart. I find coping came (and went) in waves. My second was great right at the beginning. My first had always been an easy kid and we didn't have any regressions with him nor did he seem jealous about the new addition. So apart from some sleep issues from 4-6 months with no.2, the first 6 months were relatively easy.

It started to get hard when I started introducing solids at 6 months. Hard in that I was constantly having to nourishing someone. The little one was still nursing every hour, the older one wasn't quite eating what we were, and then the solids themselves for bubs and a meal for us adults. It was exhausting constantly being at the burners.

I have always said the worst time was actually in the second year for us. No. 2 who had been sleeping thru the night since we sleep trained at 6 months and who went down with minimal fuss, started to wake like 4-8 times a night from 20 months onwards. Falling asleep by herself had now become impossible. The worse time was just before she turned 2 (as she was in her own bed and not contained behind bars) with sometimes up to 8 night visits a night! Then magically at 2 she started to sleep thru again with minimal nightwakings.

My kids are now 5.25 and 3.25. The 3 y.o. sleeps pretty well now, although we have a developmental thing going on now that makes naps harder. They are great friends. They fight a bit, but in general get along like a house on fire. On rainy days I count my lucky stars. They are great company for each other.

[sw]

we adopted siblings (6 mos and 18 mos) in November and honestly (looking back) had NO idea what we were getting into! Now, at 11 mos and 23 mos (both May babies), we are just starting to feel a tiny bit on top of it. Having two that totally NEED you all the time is challanging. Finding the balance feels sooo good! We have found that the kids naturally gravitate the parent that's going to best meet their needs in that moment (or stage). So, we divide and nurture. And collapse on the couch together when the day is done.
I love this blog and have been reading for years... as we considered having children, as I miscarried and as we decided to take the adoption road.
Thank you for being here and keeping it real.

[3 under 5]

It's all relative...I had a twins when my oldest was 3. There were days during that first year after the twins were born that I truly didn't think I would survive. Having horrible PPD didn't help things much either. The guilt over being unable to be in three places at once was overwhelming. However, now that I am 2 years into parenting 3 children, I can honestly say that it is much, much easier and the majority of our days are wonderful. It started to progressively get easier once the twins turned one. Basically, I have learned to embrace the chaos. There is no way I can ever attain the standards I had when it was just my oldest. Surprisingly, this has made us all much more happy and relaxed.

[Christina]

I don't know whether to thank you or cry- I'm 6 months along with #2 and #1 is a DREAM KID- he's 2.5 and just totally the light of my life (cause he sleeps and has all of his teeth, now) and while I'm thrilled at the idea of this new person and learning his personality it terrifies me to know he is not going to be his brother, I know what to do with that one- this one, a whole new ball game- I'm tired just thinking about it.

[Naomi]

Oh! I can do this!!

I found that it got much easier once number two was more then just a "lump" - in that he was not just a baby that sat around, but a child that could move and play with his brother. Around the time when number 2 was a year old, and number 1 was around 3, I would say, like the others. It got much easier (okay, DIFFERENT) once they were 4 & 2.

If I can interject, the third is a much easier transition, at least, it has been for me. My boys are 5 & 3, and the baby (a girl! Yay!) is now 4 months, and I feel it's getting a bit easier already. Except for the sleeping, but we won't talk about that.

I remember standing back and watching the 2 boys play together, and being really amazed. It does get better. It really does.

Oh, and my second? SO different from my first. But a lot like me, I think - I get him. My husband has a harder time understanding his needs and moods, too, which is often amusing to watch!

[hush]

@AG - I really liked your comment because it reminded me to appreciate that this is a space where vastly differing viewpoints can be shared in such a respectful, intelligent way.

I don't agree at all with your sentiment that Moxie is "trying to paint us us all with such a broad brush" - on the contrary! Most parenting blogs seem to do that - they tend to assume we all want to buy certain products, or if we're having a bad day, we're depressed, or that we all believe in the same One True Way or what have you. I hang around with the Moxites because @Moxie is one of the few bloggers who understands and celebrates how life & parenting is never always all positive or all negative, but is painted in shades of grey; it's a both/and, not an either/or. The discussions here are the most nuanced & thoughtful around. But like capri pants, they are not for everyone at every stage of their life, and that's ok!

The recency effect aside, I get why acknowledging the dark underbelly can also be seen as "negativity." I tend to see it as a positive thing because it is authentic, and it echoes a certain realism (for some) of parents' lived experiences, and that great ambivalence so many of us face everyday. I appreciate it when folks can feel free enough to shed the "mask of motherhood." Lord knows I don't have the balls to do it IRL, hence why I'm here and why I blog.

There is a fine line, I think, between keeping it real (which I enjoy) and fear-mongering (which I detest). I hope prospective parents are keen enough to be able to listen to someone else's experience - be it good or bad - and not automatically rush to the assumption that "This is totally going to happen to me!" And I also hope that if the shit never hits the fan at someone's house, that they count their blessings instead of unfairly labeling someone who has had to live it much differently. I hope that helps a little bit.

[Rudyinparis]

Yay Hush!

[Jessie]

I tell people that I can't have number 2 because I am so spoiled with number one. He's a very well-behaved baby and I know #2 would be a hellion.. because no 2 babies are alike.

[CrazyMama]

First off, I love this blog and the commenters! No matter if the posts are "negative" or "positive" there's always some post that I can really relate to and realize I am the only parent with this issue/this behavior/this funk/this whatever.

I have two kids 16 months apart and even though it can be challenging, my kids are great playmates. I definitely don't spend as much one on one time with each of them but they have eachother and I'm ok with that.

Now we are on to the third. I have no idea how the mix will change but I'm sure this blog will be there to see us to the other side.

[Eveanyn]

Read Hush's post. She says all that needs to be said.

Moxie, I need to hear the things you say before I realize it. You keep me sane in an insane world. Thank you.

Out sleeplessness is coming from a 3 month old and a spirited and sleepless 2 year old. It gets better.

I think that having older children to help with the littler ones is a big bridge and huge benefit to having more than 2. Our 11 year old is a gift when nap time comes and 2 year doesn't want to lay down. She'll lay in his bed and cuddle him until he sleeps. It keeps him from getting up and making it harder on himself to get to sleep. She's also a great holder of the baby. She will camp on the couch with a boppy or hold the baby belly to belly while watching tv. It gives a chance to get laundry in or dinner made or. or. anything that needs to be done.

It's hard to have 2 little ones.

It's so worth it.

[dandg]

I never thought of Moxie as "negative", though I can see your point, AG. I find it a great place for advice and commiseration, but my experiences are not always the same. In this case, I am 4.5 months into being a mom of 2 (older daughter is 3.25), and can honestly say it has been relatively easy thus far. Granted, I have what is certainly a super easy baby in #2 and do not have any issues with PPD. I've definitely had more issues with #1's adjustment to being a big sister. While she loves the baby, she has a lot of jealousy and is not happy when I am nursing or otherwise focusing on the baby. I'm much more concerned about the coming months and things like sibling rivalry and sharing a room.

But those of you who are pregnant or thinking about #2, it's not necessarily rough going at the beginning. As always, appreciate the broad range of experiences and opinions here.

[Leorah]

# 1 turns two later this month. # 2 arrived in emergency c-section, two months ago. Placenta previa. I have mastitis. My back is spasming, so I can barely lift my own feet, let alone the babies. Did I mention I just turned 40 and we have no food in the house? I am in California, and my mom is in NJ. Knuckles are white...just hanging on...

[L.]

Jessie, I am not trying to convince you, but "no two babies are alike" has felt like one of the biggest myths of the second child, for me. Of course they are both individuals and not exactly alike--but they are way more alike then they are different. When writing up an ad for a mother's helper for #2, I looked up the old ad I had written for #1 and was shocked to find I had used almost exactly the same language, even down to the part where I wrote about how strangers always ask, "Is s/he always so happy?"

That's not to say it has been all sunshine and rainbows, but mostly having 2 has been manageable: just a lot busier. (#1 is 3, #2 is now 10.5 months. #2 isn't mobile yet but is much more independent and can sit and play for a long time on her own.) I miss having free time to myself, but know this isn't forever. I love seeing them interact and be interested in one another. I love that they have more nuclear family to rely upon now.

I do have a very flexible work-at-home-part-time job, and although the juggling is difficult, I think it's probably the least of all the available evils, as we can afford to keep sending the older to daycare while I stay home with the younger. If I were home with both at once I would be OK, but it would be a lot harder.

[I go back and forth about a third. I really want one, as I have two sibs and really enjoyed that. Financially it would be rough, and I'd like to get some kind of a career started again. Sleep is much much better with #2, but I have much less of a "cushion" now, so I'm worried about that as well. My husband doesn't want a third. But I'm afraid I will regret it forever, and deeply, if we don't.]

[Wendy]

Twins here..I never had the luxury (or the curse) of one child so I am not an expert on the transition but I can tell you that two at a time offers an interesteing perspective: my kids don't know what it is like to EVER have their every need met all the time. Even as infants, they were both fed when someone got hungry. It is a small thing but somehow they figured out that the needs of the indivual never outweighed the needs of the group. As hard as it is (and holy sh*t. it. is. hard) I find a tremendous comfort in that they are learning a lesson that will serve them well in their future emotional endeavors. The do both know that I meet their needs eventually... Delayed gratification is a tough thing to sell to a three year-old...nonetheless two of them!

One last bad cliche- equal is not fair and fair is not equal. No two kids are the same and treating them that way is wrong. Second bit of tough love- you'll always have a favorite...don't let people tell you that they don't. I have a favorite for a while when one kid is being an absolute jerk and then that stage passes and the other child become the "jerk du jour".

[blue]

Like others, this place is one where I am comforted by the very fact that everyone's story is different--and yet we are parents going through something similar everyday. So, for me, the negative stuff actually helps. Where else can moms say that sometimes it sucks being a mom? Thanks for keeping it real, Mox.

For me, the second child has been a 180 degree shift. I never thought I'd have two. We swore we were done with #1. There are 4.5 years between my kids and I recognize this is much easier than having an infant and a toddler. Yes, it was starting over, but everything else has been easier the second time around. I joke that my oldest is STILL harder than an infant at times.

Love, The Other Side (where people sleep at night)

[heather]

Two is hard. Soooo hard. And then they laugh together and that, after they return to hitting/biting/pushing each other, is the reason I endure.

[Rudyinparis]

Leorah, thinking of you. It will get better, I know you know that. Oh, man, hang in there. I'll be hoping for the very best for you.

[casey]

Thank you thank you!
Your posts always soothe, and I really appreciate the space to be honest about the "underbelly of motherhood".
I thought number one was hard (just turned 3) until #2 arrived (6 months ago).
everyone said "the second one is so much easier" so I had that expectation.
joke was on me! my second makes my first look like a dream child. :)
it has been a LONG 6 months, but yesterday they were sunggling together and #1 was reading the baby a book.
Thanks everyone for the reminder that it gets easier; I am on the mommy hampster wheel right now.

[Cloud]

Yes. All I can say is Yes. My first is 3 (today!) and my second is 6 months old (last Friday!) and sometimes I think I'm coping well, and sometimes I think I'm drowning.

To whoever asked about nurturing the sibling relationship- get a copy of Siblings without Rivalry. It is excellent. I plan to re-read it until it is permanently ingrained in my consciousness.... OK, maybe not, but it IS full of good ideas and sensible advice.

@MerrilyNJ- some of the freak out you are experiencing right now is probably the pregnancy hormones. I remember periodic freak outs while pregnant with #2. In a way, it was easier when #2 was on the outside, and I could just deal with the issues that came up instead of fretting about the issues to come. I'm sure I'd still be fretting about the issues to come now if I had the time, so maybe its good that I don't! Anyway, you will figure it all out.

I have to come back later when I have more time and read everyone's comments, because I'm sure there are some words of wisdom in them- there always are.

[Beth]

I completely agree with @Jess; the less I try to accomplish during any given day and the more I let them move along at their own pace, the easier it is for all of us. That isn't always practical, but it tends to make the days run a little more smoothly.
I am just coming out on the other side. Oldest (boy) is 2.75 and youngest (girl) just turned 1. The first 6 months (not counting the first two weeks) were actually easier IMO than the second 6 months, due to the personalities of my kids. #1 has always been pretty easygoing and there wasn't much jealousy at the beginning because he frankly just wasn't that interested in his sister. #2 slept like a dream from about 8 weeks until about 6 months. Around 6 months, the sh*t hit the fan. #2's sleep went in the crapper, I struggled with recurrent blocked ducts and mastitis and #1 finally got jealous when he realized #2 could play with his things and was suddenly getting lots of attention at mealtimes. It was crazy hard breastfeeding all day and making 3 different meals at every mealtime. Honestly, that was probably the toughest part of the first year for me. When #2 started crawling (around 8 mos.), things started looking up. She started sleeping through the night again soon after, and they even started playing together occasionally. Now #2 is almost walking and they are really enjoying each other's company. When one or the other of them is stuck with just me for more than 30 minutes or so (usually naptimes- I am at home with both all day), they start looking for the other and are ecstatic when the other appears. And things are only looking up; it will be a great day when #2 masters walking. #1 is high energy and likes to run all day long and is just crazy for his sister to be able to chase him.
So it was easier than I expected at first, then it got harder, and now the pendulum has swung back the other way. There will always be challenges, but it has been so much fun to see them learn to love each other.

[mrscamacho]

I've got 3.5 year old and 6 week old daughters. Dd1 was our super high needs, MFPI baby who screamed constantly the whole first 3 months until I eliminated EVERYTHING from my diet.

Dd2 is what I like to call "God's Apology." She is super mellow, sleeps great (she was 9.5 pounds at birth, so that helped!), and hardly ever cries.

All the same, when Dd2 does have a crying stint (even if it's only a few minutes), I can feel the empathy draining away from my body. I am pretty sure I have a PTSD response to infant crying; I just shut down! So I'm pretty thankful for an easy baby.

I totally resonate with Moxie's comment about not knowing how to juggle two conflicting needs. I feel like I'm either letting discipline slip away with Dd1, or otherwise being WAY too hard on her. She's a big kid (45 pounds, 6x clothing) and very verbal; it's hard to remember she's ONLY three years old!

We're relying on a lot of movies - Netflix has Blue Planet on instant view. Today Dd1 was narrating her lunch with David Attenborough's accent. LOL.

I want to shout out for Plancenta Encapsulation. I'm taking mine as a preventative measure for PPD, and when I forget a pill I can literally FEEL the darkness closing in!!

[Susan]

So does this mean I shouldn't have a second kid? DH and were thinking of trying this summer, but we're both freaked out by it. We both WOH and adore our DS.

[meggiemoo]

I'm on the other side as well, with a 1-year-old and a 4-year-old (well, mostly on the other side).

2nd baby seemed like night and day from my son...she was calmer, seemed to sleep better from the beginning, etc. As she gets older, she's becoming more like the kid he is...rotten sleeper, never wants to miss a thing, too smart for her own good.

The thing that was the hardest for me with 2 was the feeling that I couldn't do it all. I couldn't be there for each of them in the way I wanted to be (that part gets easier). It really hit home when my DD started crying one day, and my son said, "Mommy will be there in a minute." How many times a day do I say that?

BUT. But. There is magic in these days, too.

They adore eachother (for now, anyway). It has allowed some of the intense focus to come off of our DS, which has been really good for him. He is learning he doesn't get everything he wants right when he wants it. Not that we would have intentionally spoiled him had he been an only, but it would have been far easier.

I wouldn't go back, but I don't think I would have a 3rd, either. (Chances are I would get a 3rd non-sleeper, and I'm just too old not to get good sleep for that many consecutive years!)

[ann]

To me, child #2 got easier when:

1. I finished breastfeeding him (at 1 year)This gave me the feeling that I had more freedom and could go to girls night or whatever w/o speeding home in a panic to feed the little guy.

2. My kids started playing together (This probably started happening when the little one was 8 or 9 months and just keeps getting better.)

I definitely relate to the feeling of attention being divided and just being tired all over again. But now that my older is almost 4 and my younger is almost two, I feel like things are really evening out and becoming fun consistently for us as a family.

Good luck to everyone who's just hanging on. It'll get better!

[Steph]

@L. - I'm glad you say that your two are more similar than different. We're currently TTC #2 and really looking forward to having another baby. Our daughter has been very easygoing and delightful - we've had a really fun year with her - and we tend to joke with friends, "yeah, we know the second one will be totally difficult! Payback for the easy first baby"... I think it's preemptive as our daughter slept through the night pretty much since about 8 weeks and we haven't had any trouble with her so friends with more challenging children like to make themselves feel better (I think?!?) by making us scared for the second! So, I'm glad to know that it may not actually be that way!

[Cloud]

@Leorah- where in CA are you? If by chance you are in the San Diego area, send me an email at wandsci at gmail dot com, and then click through to my blog and leave me a comment saying you sent me an email (so that I'll go check that account).

I will totally bring you food.

I am serious. It would be my small way to thank the universe for the awesome support I got from my mother after my C-section.

Have you seen a doctor about the back spasm? I had that problem, also about 2 months post C-section, and a couple of days of muscle relaxant + some serious doses of ibuprofen made a world of difference. My doc found a muscle relaxant that was safe for nursing (Baclofen, if you're curious). My theory was that since the C-section knocked out my abs, my back did double duty and it just threw in the towel after a couple of months.

@Susan- Hubby and I both WOH, too. It is hard, but I am very glad we decided to have a second baby. Getting to see my first be such an awesome big sister is one reason that jumps to mind right now.

[Carmen]

You weirdly always have posts that are perfect for me when I'm going through a crappy time.

I have a 3yo who is FIGHTING potty training and a 5monthold who sleeps like shit (don't all babies tho? He's really a sweety pie otherwise)and I work outside the home. My house is a shambles. We work on the house and yard all day saturdays while passing the kids back and forth and then TRY to relax a little on sundays between visiting with grandparents and staring at the rest of the shitty mess in our house that we don't want to screw with b/c we want SOME kind of weekend. We always have one baby or kid in our bed and never have sex. Thank god b/c if I got pregnant now I might shoot myself. Kidding. Kind of.

:)

But I love my kids! Glad it will get easier! And my husband better stop calling the 2nd child the "middle" child or I will BEAT him!