It feels like everyone's a little (ha!) discombobulated about getting back to normal life after whatever kind of spring break (and maybe Passover or Easter) celebrations you had. I got off scot-free (my kids went away for a week with their dad, and then we went out for dim sum for Easter dinner) so I'm just my normal harried self. But I know some of you have had some experiences that ranged from quietly diminishing to rage-inducing.
Let it loose here, please. And if you have nothing to vent, perhaps you could give some support to those who do. I'd give you all a hug and a glass of wine if I could.
Husband deep in work pattern that had him depressed for over 2 yrs. Still not over that.
Trying to encourage him to stand up for himself (read: take breaks to eat, sleep, and use the bathroom while not on a conference call).
Burning the candle at both ends = candle burns out twice as fast. Yes? Who's with me?
I need his assistance to get ready for my little one's birthday, which is this week. Really, I just need him for half an hour (during normal business hours, not at 3 in the morning), and I will take care of the school party and the picnic with friends. As of yet, I'm not sure that will happen before the birthday happens.
My house is a literal disaster. Company coming for the weekend.
I am tired because I am lying awake at night, listening to him on the phone with his boss, on the phone with the far east, and worrying that he is going to be swallowed alive. Of course I made $1200 freelancing last year, so I can encourage him to step back and take a less intense job. Not.
Posted by: anon4this | April 12, 2010 at 07:52 AM
I strongly suspect DD ( 3.25 almost exactly) is entering the 3.5 y.o transition (and therefore sleep regression), even though she is barely out of the last one!! Last night she awoke at 3 am and didn't fall back to sleep for longer than 15 minutes. Then she he was up for the day at 7.30. She is presently snoozing ( has been since 11.45) and I am debating whether to leave her a bit longer or wake her now (as I don't want this nap to interfere with her night sleep.)
Any chance that this was all a fluke and she was up for the earache ( that bizarrly changed ears everytime I asked her about it)she complained about???
Posted by: paola | April 12, 2010 at 08:20 AM
My abusive X is now asking for custody as well as visitation. Today was to have been the (first) hearing but my lawyer couldn't make it and I don't yet know when it's been rescheduled to.
My daughter is a) adjusting to a (great!) new school, b) having her half-birthday decompensation, and c) picking up on my stress and anxiety over the X's insane and scary machinations. So for the past week or two she's been doing a remarkable impression of a kid who's been raised by wolves.
I'm almost out of ambien, which is the only thing that's allowed me to get any sleep in the past 5 weeks.
Posted by: maria | April 12, 2010 at 08:36 AM
Why is it so mucher easier to see and remember the things that make me think @$&*!(!!!!!!!!!$*#&@)!!!! than it is to see the bigger picture of a functioning family with three individual minds that does pretty well day to day?
Posted by: Cobblestone | April 12, 2010 at 08:57 AM
@maria - so sorry. hang in there!!
Posted by: mom2boy | April 12, 2010 at 09:05 AM
Son's preschool at suburban-NYC JCC took a 1.5-WEEK break for Passover. For non-Jewish readers, Passover is celebrated on the first 2 days & the last 2 days (8 days in total) ONLY FOR THE VERY OBSERVANT! The JCC is not a religious place; it's more cultural & it's a community center. It's also not really serving the needs of the community, which in my case, includes PEOPLE WHO WORK FULL TIME TO AFFORD THE TUITION!
Sorry for the shouting & the bitching about a real first-world problem, but 1) I don't have enough vacation time to cover all days off in this place; and 2) after 10 days out of the routine, my son was a mess & definitely ready to go back to school
AND, there are 7 weeks of school left; *3* of them are full, 5-day weeks. The others? 2 weeks each have 1 day off for parent-teacher conferences (for 4-year olds); 1 week has ANOTHER (minor) Jewish holiday; and the third? A STAFF DEVELOPMENT DAY! 2 weeks before the end of school?! Really?! The teachers have staff development on the afternoons of conference days. That one day is annoying me more than all the others combined.
Whew. Thanks for the scream.
Posted by: lisa | April 12, 2010 at 09:23 AM
I finally decided to go on PPD meds. I'm getting pressure from family that it may not be safe, but I know I need to do it to keep my sanity. (Regain my sanity?)
I'm picking up the meds today. I think it is a big step in caring for myself and doing what is needed. I should have done this months ago when I realized I had a problem... and I need to trust I am not damaging my child by taking doctor approved medication...
Posted by: MomOthree | April 12, 2010 at 09:24 AM
Hubby is on week FOUR of an EIGHT WEEK Trip, leaving me home w/3 (ages 8, 4, and 3) kids and a full time job. AND he may have to extend for 2 extra weeks. I'm trying to get the basement finished (contractors) AND son just started his first team-league sport w/practices twice a week and a game on Saturday. The kids are all in different schools and everything added together is making me BATTTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYY.
Posted by: VHMPrincess | April 12, 2010 at 09:49 AM
DS has been going through teething hell since Friday. He's drooling enough to soak about 4 t-shirts/bibs a day. And he's drooling so much that 1/2 the time he's spitting it out and getting totally upset because there's too much saliva in his mouth. And waking himself up from his afternoon nap in a pool of wet on the bed & his shirt. Fever off and on all Sat & Sun. Fist-banging-wet-noodle-don't-touch-me temper tantrums galore. And to top it off, woke every hour or so last night from 10pm - 6am. Tempra wasn't working like it usually does (gotta aget some motrin for tonight). The poor guy is just having a really hard time of it. I ended up sleeping 1 hour in bed, then 1 hour on the rocking chair with DS. Wash, rinse, repeat the whole 8 hours. I am exhausted today. And a little discouraged.
DS clung to me when I left him at daycare this AM (when he usually is too interested in the other kids to even say goodbye to me). And the manager of the daycare (who is amazing) is off sick, so I'm a bit worried that his (extra) needs will not get attended to. When will these damn effing canine teeth push through? I swear he's been cutting them for 4-6 months now.
And while I'm on the subject, when is our 21/22 month easy period going to kick in??!! And why does it seem that the worst teething episodes are in the 'easy' periods? Which essentially removes the easy part.
And the last part of the rant is that we were 0 for 2 on our errands this weekend. We finally get it together to get something done this weekend - bring old tires & rims to the eco centre, and bring my portable sewing machine in to get serviced so I can work in the evenings in the living room and simultaneously get some projects done and fulfill my need to do something fun/creative instead of watch TV. (Industrial machine, which I normally use, is in the room next to DS' and is too loud to use at night when he's sleeping.) Well, ecocentre had a line up way too long for the time we had and we got to the service centre for the sewing machine 15 minutes too late. Argh. Just one of those days, but man, totally annoying.
OK, rant over. Better go get another coffee.
Posted by: the milliner | April 12, 2010 at 09:55 AM
We moved to Northern Virginia in February, right after the blizzards, when I was 7.5 months pregnant. I had to quit the job that I loved, and put the house that I thought I would grow old in on the market. And toss the world of my 2.75 year old into chaos.
But I was dealing with everything, and adjusting to staying at home for now. The baby was born 19 days ago, and all was going well. And then over the weekend he got sick. We are now in the hospital with RSV. They did a spinal tap to rule out meningitis, poked him full of holes, irritated the hell out of him, and he still can't breathe.
My only experiences with hospitals have been the births of my boys. I don't know how to handle all the cords and lines when all I want to do is hold my baby or change his diaper. I feel sad and alone and frustrated. 2010 has not been a good year so far.
Posted by: eep | April 12, 2010 at 10:05 AM
eep- That sounds truly awful. Hang it there. I hope you get a sympathetic nurse who shows you how to hold your baby with the wires.
My little rant sounds positively exuberantly chipped in comparison. Because really? Scarlet Fever? You have to be kidding me. Who gets Scarlet Fever while already on the antibiotics for strep throat? Who does? My kid, that's who. Fortunately he's 4 and not 14 because I am pretty sure that the skin peeling off of his groin at 14 would really freak him out.
And the good news: My small kid is not (completely) deaf after recurrent ear infections and ear tubes. This is most excellent. He is still mute, but we've been referred to speech language pathology. I'm waiting on the intake call. And, autism is not suspected (any more).
But the best part is that my husband is in his crazy busy time at work, so it's been all me for all of this the past week while also holding down my own full-time job during crazy busy (but less than husband's) time at work. The good news is we got some Grandma help during their Spring Breaks. The bad news is they're back at work so if one more thing goes wrong, it's going to be just me sitting in the corner rocking back and forth that a crazy person.
Posted by: SarcastiCarrie | April 12, 2010 at 10:17 AM
@MomOthree - good for you for prioritizing your health! I was at a recent conference that made it SO SO SO clear that children are so much healthier when their depressed Moms are get treatment and get healthy. So you definitely will not be damaging your child!
Posted by: datagirl | April 12, 2010 at 10:44 AM
@eep - so sorry to hear that. had a much older (21 mos) kid hospitalized for RSV a few years ago and that was bad enough. it's an awful bug but hospitals are very good with these things these days. hope you have lots of help with the older one and can focus on that sweet baby. many many good thoughts and hugs to you, and try to remember to breathe a little bit yourself.
@VHMprincess, that just seems too long for a work trip! I don't blame you a bit for going bonkers!
@themilliner, this tooth shall pass. sorry it's so horrid.
primal squeaks from me: boss is still an immature git; slammed slammed slammed at work...but not quite as much as Mr. C, who is slammed enough that he got himself sick. Mouse got unexplained hives last week which is just a little nervous making. behind on my commitments to help school with their fundraising website, which is no joke in this environment; Mouse's birthday is Friday and I've got a ton to do before her treasure hunt party is ready...and the weather may not cooperate for having it at the park as planned so I could end up with 15 kids in my flat. haaaaa. and my mom is coming for the weekend and has already made noise that Mouse's chosen birthday dinner (chicken pot pie) has enough fat to keep her up allllll night - "not that there's anything wrong with chicken pot pie, she just hasn't eaten that much saturated fat in years"...(not true actually, you should see xmas at her house, as it should be as far as I'm concerned but I'm bracing for a million little critiques) bleah. NBD all of it but I feel better for squeaking.
Posted by: Charisse | April 12, 2010 at 10:49 AM
Back to school/work for me today. Wah. Don't wanna. For the first time in 7 years I actually felt like I had a vacation - the kids spent a reasonable amount of time with their dad and I actually had a few days where I was able to do whatever the hell I wanted to do the minute I felt like doing it. And granted, what I felt like doing was going to the supermarket or hardware store....but the luxury of not wrestling 1-2 kids into and out of the car was heavenly. I also had the chance to get back to my running which has saved my sanity lately. Tonight is the first night my baby (14 months) will be sleeping over at his dad's all night (my 4 year old has been doing it since we separated in September) and I'm grateful that my ex is in a place where he's actually understanding my anxiety and sadness over this and bending over backwards to accommodate me and communicate with me about things like what to feed the kids, and checking in with me to let me know how they're doing. I don't expect it to last (it never does), but I'm going to appreciate it while it does. And I'm going to try to enjoy my afternoon and night of no parental obligations by working late and preparing myself for the week as opposed to flying by the seat of my pants every day, meandering through the supermarket, and going for an early evening run to help clear my head and center myself. My kids decided to help me with this transition as well by waking up last night at midnight (14 month old) and from 2:30 - 3:00 AM (4 year old). I hope everything goes okay tonight. I feel okay about it since my boys will be together, and the 4 year old is super excited to have his brother overnight at their dad's house, and the 14 month old adores his dad and is always happy to be there. Anxious and sad though too. This feels more like a primal sigh than a scream.
Posted by: Julie | April 12, 2010 at 10:52 AM
Hugs, chocolate, vino etc...to all moms making it through every day. I hope the universe hears your primal screams and sends grace and good fortune your way.
Not much to scream about at the moment, which I'm being grateful for.
Posted by: Judy B | April 12, 2010 at 10:59 AM
Primal moan - morning sickness. Blech. Husband travelling too much for work leaving me single parenting pretty much every other week since January. SO DS is watching WAAAAAY too much TV since I can barely move off the couch at the end of the day and we're eating take-out at least twice a week because I want to barf every time I open the fridge door.
So, trying to focus on the positive: I really, really wanted this pregnancy to happen. Husband's job is super amazing and I am so proud of him, and he's going to be here all summer barely working at all. DS is learning to love all the Disney movies I love.
@maria - hang in there. I think about you often. Hopefully judge will see through X's bullcrap.
@lisa - I feel your pain! Sometimes it seems that our entire school system is completely set up to hinder working parents - like its operating under the assumption that every family has one SAHP.
@VHMPrincess - extended business trips suck. I am in awe of single parents everywhere.
Posted by: Jac | April 12, 2010 at 11:42 AM
@sarcastiCarrie-- we had scarlet fever over spring break too! It took three trips to the pediatrician to get them to figure out what I knew all along! Dr. Google rocks and my 4 yo boy seems cured but his rash has not begun to peel (can I hope it won't?). Who gets that prarie disease from the dark ages, indeed? Luckily, not my 4 month old. Not yet anyhow.
Posted by: rebecca | April 12, 2010 at 11:44 AM
Tired of feeling like I exist to help facilitate DH’s social life. Tired of feeling like I come in second to his top priority which is to be having this social life (without me.) Tired of having a handsome husband who seems to think his only recourse to women being disrespectful of our relationship is to take the utterly passive route. Is it too much to ask that he maybe be an active agent in affirming our relationship? Really REALLY tired of our single Mom neighbor being nicer to him than me and insinuating herself and her son into our lives. I.e, into getting my husband to play a Daddy role for her son. Look, I have always been super nice to her and will continue to be. I know it must be hard. But once it again it looks to be a long spring and summer for me. It’s one thing to encourage her son to play with DH and our girls, another thing to put herself in there so that I feel like a weird third wheel. I don’t know how to handle this, but I suspect the only recourse I have is to grit my teeth. Bummer Monday. Thanks for the primal scream.
@Maria, thinking of you.
Posted by: WantToBeAnonButOhWellIt’sRudyinparis | April 12, 2010 at 11:49 AM
@anon4this, my husband is going through a similar thing. And I am having a really difficult time with it. I am angry. It sucks. No answers, just commiseration.
And I need more help at home. My little one watches cartoons all morning while I try to do freelance work in the same room. NOT COOL. But I can't seem to find decent childcare. Who knew I'd someday be wishing my family lived closer.
Posted by: anon4this2 | April 12, 2010 at 12:05 PM
Hugs to everyone who clearly needs this more than I do.
I really have nothing to complain about, but I won't let that stop me. I've been feeling drained lately, with a 3 year old in one of her periodic "I want only Mommy, not Daddy" phases, and a 6 month old who has suddenly decided to wake up every 3 hours at night for no reason we can figure out. I know from the first time around that I need 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep to feel human, and we can't figure out how to get me that consistently. ARGH.
You know how we always say "put your own oxygen mask on first"? I can't figure out what my oxygen mask even is. I feel tired and cranky and not myself, and I can't figure out how to fix it. It is driving me nuts.
@themillner- we're teething, too. My god, the drool is unbelievable. This is a candidate cause for the every 3 hour wake up routine, but tylenol hasn't helped, so we're not sure what to think. Argh.
@Charisse, I had unexplained hives once for something like 6 weeks. I finally figured out that it was a new "flavor" of laundry detergent that I'd bought. I almost went insane in the time it took to figure that out.
@Rudyinparis- I wish I lived near you so that I could take your husband aside an sort him out. Politely, of course. Do you suppose he is a little flattered by the attention? That is fine, but he needs to recognize that basking in it is hurting someone he cares about and cut that out. I'm feeling grumpy right now, so I'd sort your neighbor out, too. But I suspect that would be less successful than talking to your husband. She probably knows exactly what she's doing. He probably hasn't really thought it through.
@Jac, @anon4this2- how about getting some educational DVDs from the library and/or recording your favorite educational-type cartoons? I find this reduces my guilt about the screen time. When I was pregnant, Dora came into our life with a vengeance. We've learned a lot of Spanish words. We are currently enjoying a "learn Chinese" DVD and can now all count to 10 in Chinese. TV may not be ideal, but some time it is really, really helpful. In our house, the choices are 1. TV after work and home-cooked meals. 2. No TV after work and fast food. I choose option #1, and feel fine about it. I guess what I'm really saying is that there is some sort of similar choice being made in your homes, too, and I'd lay odds that your option #2 sucks worse than what you're doing, too.
Posted by: Cloud | April 12, 2010 at 12:41 PM
Actually we weathered spring break fine...although it was 2 weeks with no preschool. Luckily we have a fab part-time nanny to watch the kids (while I work from home) and she was able to work extra hours. We found her from SitterCity after 1 false start and many interviews.
But my 8 month old has a severe ear infection and is teething to boot. The antibiotics have kicked it but he is still being very clingy and fussy. And he's biting me when I nurse him. OUCH! I was completely ready to wean him last night.
My preschooler got frequent ear infections (until he turned 2) and I guess I sort of blamed it on being in daycare and only being on breastmilk for 4 month. Well the baby is not in daycare and is exclusively breastfed. Yet we still have ear infections. I guess even breastmilk doesn't conquer faulty eustachian tubes!
And then we had some drama with my stepson's bio-mom. My husband has full custody and she gets visitation every other weekend (at my husband'd discretion). This has been the case since they divorced 7 years ago. Well we found out something disturbing about her care (not related to my stepson but his just turned 3 yr old half brother). So it looks like we might have to call social services. I know she'll make us out to be the villains and how we're doing this to keep my stepson from her. And we'll have to try to shield my stepson from all this drama as much as possible. Oy!
Posted by: MIchelle | April 12, 2010 at 12:59 PM
An hour ago I would have gotten on here and complained about how whiny my 2.5 year old has been lately. But now both kids are napping and I am enjoying my morning coffee at 1:15pm and don't feel much like complaining. Crazy how just a few minutes of peace can make a world of difference.
Big hugs for all.
Posted by: CrazyMama | April 12, 2010 at 01:22 PM
Haven't posted here in awhile, but I need a little primal screaming.
After nearly a year away from the workforce, I'm starting a new job shortly. I'm sick to death of all the congratulatory conversations I'm having, and would like someone to recognize that since I've always wanted to and have loved staying home with my kids, I'm going to miss it. A lot. I'm grieving the loss right now, not really celebrating.
Am pissed as hell at the husband right now. He's the worst offender of item #1 up there, being absolutely delighted at the extra money I'll be bringing in. And we're at odds over child-rearing. I do most of it, which we're both fine with. But I resent his tendency to bitch and moan about the way I'm doing it ("coddling" is how he refers to many of my attempts to identify and use teachable moments rather than institute my will and get them to obey like little automatons). Then he gets pissed if I suggest that perhaps I know a little more about this than he does, both because of experience and research. Tells me that just because he hasn't "read a billion books by Dr. Phil" that I don't get to discount his opinion. (I swear I only discount his opinion when he's wrong and I'm right. Is it my fault that's such a large percentage of the time?) And really? That's your big argument? You're pissed because I READ? Because I'm taking the whole raising-kids thing seriously, as if it were, you know, important, as opposed to just another fun extra-curricular activity to be shoved in a closet when you get tired of it? Please do shut up.
Anyway, screaming match in front of the kids on Easter Sunday that didn't really get resolved because our company arrived and neither of us wants to bring it all up again. And we both probably said a few things we didn't mean (or at least didn't mean to say). After a week we've probably sort of tacitly agreed that it's "over" but I'm left feeling kind of raw.
Posted by: Jan | April 12, 2010 at 01:25 PM
Am sending out big waves of support and refreshment to all of you, plus hearty laughter at NotSoAnonRudyinParis.
I am not going to complain about anything because it seems so minor, but my jaw aches so clearly I cannot handle even minor problems well.
Posted by: Slim | April 12, 2010 at 01:40 PM
@Cloud—thanks. I would love, actually, for a (relatively) disinterested party to intercede! The deal is, I don’t think he’s flattered—I think—I know--it makes him uncomfortable and distressed. He knows full well what’s going on, but, see, the thing with him is he is almost entirely unable to set boundaries with people. So, in a way, I feel for him. But on the other hand… I feel like I‘m left out on a limb. I can’t talk to the neighbor, no way. I’m just trying to emulate Grace Kelly here. Or Victoria Beckham, who I in no way resemble, but DH kind of looks like her husband, so I’m guessing she has to deal with this kind of thing with grace and dignity as well.
Hi Slim!
Posted by: WantToBeAnonButOhWellIt’sRudyinparis | April 12, 2010 at 01:53 PM
@RudyinParis- so my little talk with your Hubby would be about manning up and doing something that makes him uncomfortable for the sake of his lovely wife, who does so much for him. (Actually, I think my husband would react much like yours- he would have no idea what to do and would end up doing nothing and I would simmer with resentment but I can't channel Grace Kelly for long, and I'd eventually yell at him. Or the neighbor. Or both. So I really feel for you!)
@Jan- I'm sorry you're having to go back to work when you don't really want to. I hope you can find something good in it for you, eventually. Can I make a suggestion, which you are free to ignore? I don't think the arrangement of having you do most of the child care will work once you're back at work. Anyway, I know it wouldn't work for me- there just aren't enough hours in the day. So maybe the trade off your husband needs to make in order to get to enjoy that extra money is that he needs to become more involved, and that doesn't mean swooping in and disrupting what you know works with your kids because it doesn't match his parenting expectations. That means taking the time to discuss parenting ideas with you, and to find an approach that will work for both of you. And then DOING it, not snarking about it from the sidelines.
But like I said, totally ignore that if you don't think it is relevant to your situation. And good luck with the transition back to work.
Posted by: Cloud | April 12, 2010 at 02:01 PM
Let's see. My father passed away 2 weeks ago. My grandmother passed away over the weekend. We sold our house and have to be out in about 2 weeks but we won't have a new place to move into for about another 6 weeks so we're about to be homeless and staying with my inlaws for about a month. I'm taking a day trip to my grandmother's funeral this Wednesday, which will be the first time my still-nursing young toddler will have ever not had me at bedtime and I have no idea how he's going to take it. Here's my primal scream. GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Posted by: Shana | April 12, 2010 at 02:14 PM
@eep, where are you in NoVa? I have twins who are 39 days old and an almost 3 yo. If you don't have a network here and need someone for playdates and/or drink wine with, maybe we can meet up. The DC area isn't always the friendliest for newcomers bc a) it's so transient and b) everyone *thinks* they are really important (rolls eyes).
Posted by: Madelyn | April 12, 2010 at 02:24 PM
@eep--I'm also in NoVa--let me know if you want someone in the area to hang out with...
Frustrated with my moms group--people are not doing what they said they were going to do, and since we're linked with a national organization and I"m the president of my chapter, I'm the one getting shit for it, and I'm going to have to either take on the duties of 3/5 of my board or find people to take their place. So not what I signed on for. If people could just commit to 15 minutes a week to do what they said they'd do, it would spare me an enormous amount of grief and would mean that I don't spend 45 minutes a week doing all their stuff for them instead of getting to spend time with my husband. I haven't my hair cut in 6 months--my husband and I haven't had a date in 6 months.
On top of it all, it looks like my son is going to need speech therapy, which means I really won't have time to take over other people's responsibilities. I'm sorry, but I can't put your convenience ahead of my son's development. It seems like everywhere I look on the internet, people are reporting these fascinating conversations they're having with their 2.5 yo kids, and I just feel like a complete failure that my child isn't there yet.
Posted by: wealhtheow | April 12, 2010 at 03:05 PM
@Madelyn, Thanks for the offer. I would love to take you up on that, you know, once I am not in a hospital. I am in Herndon, you can email me at elizpreston at gmail dot com. Thanks again, I feel more at home already!
Posted by: eep | April 12, 2010 at 03:21 PM
Cooperative Preschool. Does any parent actually have time to help run a preschool while being a parent of preschool aged kids? What kind of stupid idea is this? Cooperative Preschool grumble grumble grumble.
Posted by: angela | April 12, 2010 at 04:07 PM
@ Eep Cara Mama http://caramamamia.blogspot.com/ has organized some events for locals. I live in DC suburb in MD-while I can't really get together on weekdays, I can do things on weekends. I have a three year old boy who would love to spend some time running around with other little kids!
I am sorry, it doesn't help with the baby and the hospital and the wires (I am so sorry and hope that they get to the bottom of this soon) but hopefully it is something to look forward to.
You can e-mail me at strugibear at gmail dot com.
@SarcastiCarrie-my son decided to get Scarlet Fever this week which has completely confused me as he was on antibiotics for Step...did he get them a day late enough for the toxins to build up? Hope your little one is feeling better.
Kate
Posted by: Kate | April 12, 2010 at 04:28 PM
Thanks everybody for the encouragement.
@angela, that is such a good point! I couldn't do it either.
@Shana, I'm so sorry about your father and your grandmother. Your toddler will be ok, and the extra nursing time when you get back may help you feel more centered after the funeral. Don't forget to take care of yourself!
Posted by: maria | April 12, 2010 at 04:56 PM
Hugs to all of you and sending good vibes for less stress.
My (minor) quibble is the 6 month old who formerly slept 11 hours+ at night for months, who has now gotten up 3-4 times per night for 2 nights out of the last 3. Fortunately she naps great during the days to make up for it, except:
my parents are visiting from far away and are sort of grumbling about how she's sleeping all the time. But in this house we DO NOT wake sleeping babies. Sigh.
Also these awesomely loving, excited grandparents are overstimulating all of us with their constant, loud baby talk. baby girl doesn't get a moment to process any of this, and hubby, dogs and i are sort of reeling from all the noise in the house. (We're typically quiet, mellow people.) I know we (and baby) need to get used to different kinds of people/personalities, but when I'm so tired, ouch.
And then I feel guilty that I'm not cheerful, fun, cruise director daughter, planning fun things for all of us to do.
Posted by: Anonymouseketeer | April 12, 2010 at 05:36 PM
I have not slept for 8+ months. I am so effing tired.
Posted by: ada | April 12, 2010 at 05:57 PM
@"Want to be Anon" married to Beckham look-alike (Oh, Rudy!): What @Cloud said. And also, I gotta ask... What's your gut telling you about the situation? DH being "almost entirely unable to set boundaries" is a big red flag. (Disclaimer: I used to date a guy who totally reminds me of how you describe your DH, so that's coloring my response today, as I have 'he's cheating' on my mind but will attempt to put that aside...)
I know you have shared this very icky problem with us here before, some months ago, so I imagine it has been weighing very heavily on you. You sound sure your DH is a totally passive participant in all of this who really, truly, deeply, does not want female neighbor's attentions. At all? Not even a little bit? And yet it persists.
I feel for you, and sympathize with your discomfort. You and I seem to have a very similar personality pattern - we want to keep up certain appearances, and "be nice," and play along with lonely, shitty people who we kind of feel sad for... to the point of not being our authentic selves and engaging in soul-crushing fakery because we are afraid of what would happen if we starting calling people out.
I wonder if a counselor could help you & DH come up with some strategies for handling these emotions. It sounds like this won't be the last time another female wants your guy, and you're disappointed with his lack of boundaries about it.
@eep - I've been thinking of you - glad to hear baby is born and well. Wishing you many new friendships in No Va!
@maria - Hugs to you my friend!
@angela - Cooperative Preschool - I hear you. If that's what you really want, then don't give up - otherwise drop-off preschool can be an awesome thing, too! My BFF had some very bad co-cop experiences in Chicago (not the workload, but crazy bad unwelcomingness from the other families "how did YOU find out about US?" crap). A few bad apples really can spoil the bunch. Our co-op here in Podunkville is the real deal so far. Solid, non-judgy solid folks we look forward to spending time with, so the "work" is fun. Good luck to you.
Posted by: hush | April 12, 2010 at 06:39 PM
Oh and @Anonymouseketeer - Notice all of the typos in my previous comment there? I, too, have a 6 mos old who used to sleep but is suddenly up 5+ times a night. Good times!! I hope your folks help you make it so you get to be the one sleeping all the time!
Posted by: hush | April 12, 2010 at 06:43 PM
Mine is silly, but I did scream primally when it happened... My mother-in-law spent Easter with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend who live about four hours away. It was just the three of them. They decided to get a cake for dessert and my mother-in-law brought the leftovers home for my children. Nice yes?
This cake, I sh*t you not, would serve 40-50 people. It was a sheet cake from Costco, the giant ones they sell. Three pieces were eaten, and the rest was on my kitchen table (insert primal scream, "WHAT IS THAAAAAT?") as I arrive home from work.
Thank god my husband took it to work the next day and his co-workers ate it. I think my mother-in-law is a bit put out.
Posted by: regiemino | April 12, 2010 at 06:47 PM
OK, who got all the 6 month old babies together and told them to stop sleeping?
And why? Why? WHY?
Posted by: Cloud | April 12, 2010 at 06:53 PM
There are 2 things that are absolute hell. They sound funny and maybe one day I will laugh about them, but even my DH doesn't understand how upset this makes me.
a) getting 20month old in the car
b) changing diaper, especially poopy diaper on said 20 month old.
Both involve SCREEEEEEAMMMING for at least 30 minutes. THe diaper changing is the thing I dread the most. I can't get her to physically lay back long enough to do the &%^$%&ing stupid strap. She is stronger than Hercules. Of course DH walks in lays her back and she totally cooperates for him. Poop ends up all over me, my hand, the table, the wall. AND I AM SICK OF IT. I hate that she can be so so happy, then a complete hysterical, snotty mess ALL BECAUSE OF A F-ing diaper.
Same thing for the car.
Posted by: Koshercow | April 12, 2010 at 07:17 PM
spent the weekend packing up husband's grandma's apartment because she's just moved into a nursing home. The kids were assholes every time we went to visit at the home, and my husband's aunt actually told me she thought I didn't love my daughter as much as my son because I held her to a higher standard of behavior (she is nearly 6, he just turned 3). As in, not yelling at great-grandma that she didn't want to be there. Because I m a terrible horrible no good very bad mother, I didn't allow my daughter to play at the playground right after we left the home.
Yes, I know the transition of g-grandma in a home is tough for them too, and they were uncomfortable in a new environment and out of their elements, but is it really too much to ask for them to refrain from being actively terrible? REALLY? I had brought snacks coloring books - they weren't expected to perform, but wanted them to respond when asked a direct question, to keep their shoes off the furniture, not yell at anyone, and not knock down any old people (success, but barely on that one). That doesn't seem like a terrible bar to set. And an "I'm disappointed in you" speech and denial of the reward seems like the appropriate response.
Gah. What a lovely weekend. And of course, right in the middle of it, I got a rager of a period. As in, I added up 90ml lost yesterday alone. That's a lot of diva cup emptying for a road trip.
Posted by: yammeringon | April 12, 2010 at 07:27 PM
Remodeled kitchen during consecutive blizzards. Kitchen is lovely. Money is gone. While cleaning up from renovation, we discovered that the wall (plaster, full of lead paint) is wet in one corner of the the dining room, and the floor has pulled away from the baseboard. Should mention that we have had this looked at by several people and now need an engineer- with the happy news that it can take months to figure out where the water is coming from. Should mention that husband has sadly, slowly devolved into a huge jerk for various reasons and this will not likely improve matters.
Posted by: AmyM | April 12, 2010 at 07:36 PM
@hush and @Cloud - seriously, I have a couple of other friends with 6 month olds who are suddenly not sleeping well either. Is it a full moon or something?
@Koshercow - maybe 20 month olds are just irrational, but is there something your husband does differently that makes your baby chill for him? maybe you could try it? Or just have him do as many diapers as possible... good luck!
Posted by: Anonymouseketeer | April 12, 2010 at 07:42 PM
I just lost my primal scream! aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Posted by: Lisa | April 12, 2010 at 08:14 PM
@Koshercow, can you change her standing up? Or at least partly, to reduce the poop EVERYWHERE problem? That age is one where they are completely wired to be on their feet or on the belly, because everything is about locomotion. They *hate hate HATE* to be on their backs, you can't walk or crawl that way. Mixed with age-appropriate limit-testing and quest for independence, and it's a perfect storm of DO NOT CHANGE MY DIAPER!
I'm guessing Dad has an easier time because of a combination of novelty (you change her most of the time, right?) and male firmness.
The only thing that sort of worked for me was letting her stand up while I changed her. I got to be pretty quick at it, and it reduced the screaming, not to zero but at least to some percentage less than 100% of the time.
Posted by: maria | April 12, 2010 at 08:19 PM
@anonymouseketeer - my husband is stronger and able to forcibly get her to lie back on the changing table (sounds horrid, but i mean she can't squirm out of it like she does with me). So, she doesn't even try any more. It kills me every time. With me she wrestles like an octopus and even when I very determinedly kind of lie over the top of her, she absolutely still is able to squirm out of it every time.
I do ask him to change her as much as my dignity will allow.
Posted by: Koshercow | April 12, 2010 at 08:21 PM
@koshercow - don't worry about dignity - just think of it as the most efficient way to get the job done ;)
@maria - that is brilliant (standing up)! I'll have to remember that.
Posted by: Anonymouseketeer | April 12, 2010 at 08:26 PM
@maria and @anonymouseketeer - thanks for the support and suggestions! Yes, to hell with dignity!! But it does still make me feel down on myself when I ask him (he works at home and it is hard enough to keep boundaries). But anyway.
I do change her standing up sometimes for just pee. I'll try it for the poop too. Couldn't be worse, could it, could it?
Ahhh, can't wait for potty training. After weaning. HA!
Posted by: Koshercow | April 12, 2010 at 08:38 PM
@Charisse, 'This tooth shall pass'...nice. I think I'll plaster that everywhere in our house.
@Cloud, I mean seriously, how can one tiny person produce so much saliva? My little guy has always drooled, but these last few days have been insane. And all those wet clothes that get crunchy when they dry = extra laundry. Yay. I think I might take him to the dr. tomorrow to make sure he doesn't actually have an ear infection or something. And to add salt to the wound (or however the saying goes), I tried to give DS thick & goopy infant advil tonight. He was protesting, so I tried to do it quickly, but put too much in too fast and he threw up all over us. It's definitely one of those 'yes, I suck as a parent' days. Argh. Yes son, I really am trying to make you feel better, not worse.
@koshercow - been there done that. Oh how I feel your pain. On both accounts. I have no remedy for the car seat. Usually our struggle is over him wanting to walk around more, so if we have the time I walk with him to get him tired, then he doesn't resist as much. But there are many times when we don't have the time. Maybe I just need to work out at the gym more.
As for the diaper change, I'm not going to suggest changing him while standing. Well, I suppose it might work if you use disposables. We use cloth so it was just out of the question to consider that. And, well, maybe I'm not just coordinated enough. FWIW, DS relaxed about (most) diaper changes around 21 months. But 12-21 months was hell. It would drive me completely batty. I just muscled through. We don't use a strap (I hold him the whole time he's on the table) so I guess my mama powers increased due to the fear of him falling off. I found the key was to hold both his ankles and get his knees bent. Was easier to keep him lying down like that. More control. Sometimes I changed him on the floor if he was doing that board straight thing. And I'm with @Anonymousketeer, forget about dignity. Efficiency and hygiene (for your kid) are the goals.
Posted by: the milliner | April 12, 2010 at 08:57 PM
I have a 2.5 year old foster son whom we are going to be able to adopt (hopefully by this summer). We are a two-mom family, and I feel as though my partner and son are doing wonderfully when it comes to bonding. I, on the other hand, feel as though I haven't been able to bond as easily with him, and I am not sure how to induce bonding with him. We do a lot of the obvious things; one-on-one play time, bath time, bed time stories and songs, outings together, etc. And while we occasionally have great moments together, I still feel like there is something that isn't clicking between him and I the way it appears to have clicked with he and my partner.
Any thoughts? Ideas?
Posted by: Kate | April 12, 2010 at 09:03 PM