Q&A: bathtime down the drain

Anonymous asked what was up with her 2-year-old suddenly screaming bloody murder in the tub and not wanting to take a bath. And how to deal with it, since no baths for the next 6 months don't seem to be an option.

Yeah, this sucks, but lots and lots of kids do it. It seems like some of it is that they're starting to figure out that they're separate from you and from their surroundings. An extreme form of that is the fear of being sucked down the drain like the water is.

Plus, they're drama queens. Being 2 is all about establishing boundaries definitely. Very definitely. Anything they can control (like, say, food) they will. Vociferously and loudly.

Layer onto that personality. If you have a kid who escalates easily (lots of kids who release tension by crying tend to escalate quickly in daily life), then they're going to get more worked up about everything, including figuring out that they might follow the water down the drain, or that not wanting to take a bath will get a reaction out of their parents.

Since it's complicated and depends on your kid's particular makeup, there's no one guaranteed solution to this problem, except for waiting it out. But while you're waiting it out, your kid still has to take a bath. Here are some things you can try, though, and see if any of them help:

1. Cut down frequency. People tend to overbathe their kids anyway, because it's usually part of a bedtime routine. But if there's too much screaming it's not an effective part of a wind-down routine any more anyway, so consider going down to a bath every 2-3 days just to reduce the number of times you have to deal with it.

2. Push through. Confession: I'm not that patient. So I just powered through it, and forced my kids to take the shortest bath we could manage that hit most of the dirty spots. I think sometimes it lasted 2 minutes or less, but relative cleanliness was achieved. Note: This is probably the plan most likely to get you, the bather, wet.

3. Reason with the child. Hahahahahaha. That was pretty much a joke, unless your child is seriously advanced for a 2-year-old.

4. Distract the child in the tub. Use whatever it takes--bath toys, a story, music, dancing, getting in with the child, etc. If you can keep your kid focused on something else, you might be able to get the bath done with a minimum of upset for anyone.

5. Empathize/defuse. If the resistance is about control and not actual fear, if you can empathize so much with the child that there's no more payoff or fun in resisting, then you might be able to defuse the emotion and short-circuit the screaming. I hear.

6. Pass it off to someone else to deal with. If you have a partner, perhaps you could trick ask them to take over baths for awhile.

That's what I can think of, but I know there are more ways to deal with it. What did you do? Did it work?

Comments

[paola]

Switch to showers. I still shower with my kids. It's pretty tight in there now(they are 3 and 5) but we get 3 people washed in 5/10 minutes, and the bathroom is the warmest, therefore most pleasant, room in the house.

[Slim]

Redefine "bath." For a while in our house, it meant, "standing in bathwater up to your ankles while Mommy or Daddy mops you off with a washcloth as fast as possible."

[ailikate]

Get in the tub with them. I still have to do this from time to time. Definitely cut down the frequency, we do about 2 a week and don't always wash her hair. There's always bribery, as well. If we wash her hair we watch a cartoon after and comb out her hair. Sponge baths are an option as well. Little kids don't sweat the way adolescents and adults do so as long as the face, hands and bum are clean you're good to go.

[Stefanie]

In Switzerland, many people bathe their kids only two times per week (some even only once). Toddlers don't get that dirty, in my opinion.
I began to shower with my older daughter when she was two, and recently, my younger daughter (20 months) wants to join us in the shower as well.

[Erin]

The first three comments - switch to shower, switch to quick rubdown with a washcloth, and shower or bathe with them - were going to be my recommendations!

For me, forcing an unwilling toddler into the bath is *not* one of the battles I find worth fighting. It's unpleasant, and also a wee bit dangerous since it's awkward to hold an angry toddler in the water, and slippery too. Shoes and hat to go outside, eating in his own chair, and bedtime are my three "must"s. It's not unusual for me to only bathe my toddler once a week. Really everything but the hair can be taken care of with a quick washcloth wipe down.

[Carrie]

When we had this battle, our son ended up taking showers with us. We have one of those detachable showerhead thingees so it was easy to get him clean. Not ideal in some ways b/c who wants to have a kid in the shower with them? But at least it cut down the screaming. Of course it depends on your kid. And yeah, we don't bathe the boy very often. He gets a bath when he's visibly dirty or when he stinks.

[CrazyMama]

Such a timely post.

We have resorted to "speed baths" for our 2.5 yo. They consist of running bath water with the drain open and him standing. I promise to be done with the wetting, cleaning and rinsing by the time I get through one round of ABC's. There's still crying but it is short lived.

[sueinithaca]

how about signing up for swim lessons and then engaging in the mandatory showers at the pool? This is one strategy that works for us - swimming is fun so it's a motivator.

Our strategy has been to push through it with our first. With our second, we seriously underbathe him. He doesn't like getting wet, period, so the swimming trick doesn't work well with him (it did yesterday though!). So he bathes voluntarily whenever the mood strikes. Usually once every week or two. It'll be more in the summer, but we keep the dirty bits clean in between s he doesn't stink.

[tk_zk]

In a similar vein to CrazyMama's advice, I think narrating the bath might be helpful with kids 18 mos and older, e.g. "Now we're going to wash your hair. Scrub scrub scrub! Now momma's going to rinse it. One, two, three, one more--okay, all done!" or "First we're going to get wet, then mama will scrub you, then we'll rinse you, and then we'll get out! When we get out you can be a naked baby."

I think knowing that there is an end in sight helps kids this age power through along with us.

[Jackie]

Two words - sticker charts!

[mom2boy]

Yep, yep and yep. Cutting down on frequency, standing in the tub for a spray down and distraction with new toys/bubble bath are the only things that seem to work. He doesn't worry about the drain until the end of the bath when he hears the water go down and he has to be pulled out as fast as possible or he starts to panic. And I then have to fish out all of his toys so they, too, don't go down the drain. I have explained that neither he nor the toys will fit down the drain but he doesn't believe me yet. He also hates water in his eyes so getting his hair washed is always a battle even when he's willingly in the bath already. He's almost 30 months old.

[Shandra]

We did the weekly swim class + one mom-tot class. Also sponge baths.

Honestly in the winter I bathed my kid about once a week. It's different when they're out in the dirt. However we did do face/neck/hands/arms to elbows/wipe the feet daily.

[dot]

I second the shower idea. My 4 year child hasn't had a bath in months. We have a nice big walk in shower and he loves to stick his foam bath toys on the glass shower doors. It's easy to get him clean, and he can shower with mommy or daddy, or by himself with us watching.

good luck!
dot

[molly]

I agree with the "bathe less" option, but becasue I am a routine freak, even if the bath is not fun, I do what we call a rinse - literally sit them down, splash some water on their nether regiions, and then take them out. No soap, no washcloth, no toys - it takes about 1 minute. I don't even bother with more than a few inches of water. Also the "stand and scrub in the tub" works.

In any event, don't be so sure it's a "stage". When this started happening with each of my kids it seemed to onset pretty suddenly (although at around this age, when people expect this "stage") - it took me a few days to catch on (that it wasn't just an isolated freakout)

At a neutral, calm time during the day, like when sitting together at lunch or swinging at the park etc - some time when it is CLEAR that I am not going to segue from a conversation about bathtime into actually forcing them to take a bath, I talked to the kid about it -
You know how when it's bath time, you have a freakout? What's up with that? (obviously in language that works for them)

For the first, it had to do with one time getting water in her eyes when I rinsed her, she didn't like me pouring water over her head. The other kid was not enjoying the splashing from the baby.

THen I knew what specific thing was putting them into ALERT ALERT ALERT PANIC PANIC PANIC mode and I could just reassure them that it wouldn't happen and also make sure that it wouldn't happen.

Try 9t - you may find something out.

[Cobblestone]

I'm just getting the beginning glimpses of not wanting a bath (showed him the shower head about a month ago and terrified him -- oops).

At 18 months he still fits in the kitchen sink and that is less scary so we've substiuted that a couple of time. We also don't bathe him a whole lot.

[stillbecoming]

I like sueinithaca's advice on swimming. We even figured--no soap, as the chlorine is the ultimate cleaner, and then you just have to rinse that off. Our community pool has the shower wand in the big family changing room, and we also let The Boy spray us to his heart's content, rinse the swimsuits, etc. He ended up wet all over, and then it was just the hair, which I could often get done under the guise of a water fight (you spray me, AUGH! now I spray you! Ha ha ha isn't this fun. . .). We also sometimes shower with the swim-diaper on (cloth reuseable) on the shower right next to the pool, cuz he sees a lot of people/kids doing that, and it really interests him to use the same shower.
That being said, this hasn't been one of our major battles. Came and went in a couple of months. But there are a couple, hmmm, maybe I should write Moxie to see if she or the wise and clever community there can offer me any help. . . ;)

[Brooke]

Definitly trying the showering with you or the "personal shower" where you stand them in the tub and give them a quick rinse down.

If it's a fear of going down the drain, get them out, dry them off, and send them out of the room before you pull the plug.

[Shelby]

I think all of the above are good suggestions. My ds doesn't like showers, since one of his things is getting water in the eyes. I fix this by in the bath, I "rinse" his hair with the washcloth (he still doesn't have much) and then put shampoo on. Then leave him to play with toys or stand or whatever gets him okay. The last thing we do is rinse with water, only three times before getting out and immediately drying his eyes. He was also cold, so I don't put him in until the water is higher and a little bit warmer. I think the main thing is to not make it a big deal; if kid is not okay with it, just make it short. If kid is okay some days, then play, play, play and make it fun. A couple of times, he has pooped in the bath, but that is another issue...

[Julie C.]

When my oldest went through her "no bath" phase, I stripped down, hopped in HER bath and had great fun playing with HER toys. Now what self-respecting 2 year old is going to put up with that? She was in there in a hot minute with no more drama. :-)

[ML]

The sponge bath/quick bath (aka: "standing bath" in our house) and powering through this period worked. Also, we bathed ds every other day, max--in the winter, less frequently, but in the sweaty, humid summers when he was covered in sand from the park, every other day and sometimes a quick wipedown with a wet washcloth in between. DS has always hated the bath, even as a newborn.

Even now, as a three yo, he still hates it, but we can reason/bribe/narrate our way through it. I should say that he hates the idea of it, but generally enjoys it once he's in. His thing now is to put off the soaping up so I set the timer in the bathroom: "OK, in 5 minutes, Mummy will come to wash your hair." Still some yelling when there's water on the face, but no resistance or complaint when 5 minutes are up!

[chapmanchick]

I'm another fan of the showers. We have a stand alone shower, I would throw some toys in and turn on the water and let my son play while the water hosed him down. Then after awhile (depending on if I was reading a book or facebooking, nearby of course) I would quickly soap him up and rinse him off quickly. He still jumps in the shower with me most mornings (he is 3 now). At least I know where he is and what he is doing while I dry my hair and put on my makeup for the day.

[Kelly]

Mine both went through this and infrequent bathing helps (we've recently switched from once to twice a week). Right now the 3yo detests water in his eyes, so we rinse with a little tub dumped over his head and he covers his eyes, he *knows* right when it's coming and he *knows* it's only 3 dumps and he's done. He still hates it and cries a bit sometimes, but knowing "just 2 more" and "last one" helps him push through it on his own.

[Sherry]

Very smart, Julie C. I think that would work for us.

[Madeleine]

New bath toys were a big help for us. And she's nine and still using them!

[Irene]

My 2 year old loves baths, but does NOT like having her hair washed. What works best for this part is to sing to her: we have some songs that are too upbeat for bedtime, and those are a special bathtime treat. The Top Hits list includes "The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers" and "What do you do With a Drunken Sailor" and "Old MacDonald Had a Farm."

[Charity]

Somewhere along the line, we figured out that my daughter is afraid of the water coming into the tub, and afraid of the water draining out of the tub. (She was also briefly afraid of bubbles but that fortunately has passed.) What we do is have me fill the tub while she watches a DVD with her daddy, then I take her to the tub for the bath, and then get her out and take her into her room for drying and dressing. Her daddy comes in and drains the tub while we're in the other room. This cut the screaming out entirely for us. She loves her baths now.

[the milliner]

We just had our first two experiences with DS (21 months) not wanting to take a bath a couple of nights ago.

He hated baths as a newborn (1st bath at hospital he gripped the rail of the bassinet with the strength of a 4 year old, I swear. Did.not.want.to.go.in.water). But since about 6 months or so, he's loved bath time. So much that we usually have the opposite problem - he doesn't want to get out.

One thing I did notice is that the two days he resisted, there were no bath toys. Usually there are loads, but there have recently been a bunch of poop in the bathtub episodes, and well, I haven't got around to sterilizing the toys.

Put a toy (watering can) in last night, and it was all fine. I hope the other two episodes were just that. He was extra tired both nights, so that may not have helped.

Another thought to ease bath time is to make sure the door to the bathroom is closed. DS gets really cold when it's open, and usually asks to get out at that point. I've actually started opening the door now to get him out of the tub (after I give him two warnings by dimming the lights, and then letting the water out) if he's taking forever.

Oh, and as for toys, bubbles and balls (he tries to throw it out of the tub) are a huge hit.

[Judy B]

On the opposite end of the spectrum, my son will plop his behind on the drain (maybe to keep the water in?)

I vote for sponge baths, or maybe have him give his favorite doll/truck/toy a bath in a little tub with lots of encouragement.

[hush]

Everyone else already said it: take them in the shower with you. Take them to swimming lessons. Bathe less. Try not to make it a power struggle.

[Mary-Christine]

This has cropped up twice for our DS - first time when he was six months old, and then when he was 18 months old. The first time lasted for about a month, and seemed to come out of nowhere - we solved it by one of us bathing with him. The 2nd time, at least we knew it would be temporary - this time, we reduced frequency to 1 a week (ok, sometimes it's once every 10 days!) and he's as happy as a pig in ****!

[caramama]

We tried it all. For a while, the best thing was cutting down the frequency to every 2-3 (or 4) days and either letting her shower with me (worked great while I was pregnant with number 2!) or hubby doing the super quick wash up.

Now, she does NOT want to shower with me, so I got in the bath with her instead a couple times. We've also started up swim classes again.

It turns out, my daughter's eyes are very sensitive. She hates having water in them, but won't close them. So for us, it's about figuring out how to rinse her hair without getting the water and shampoo in her eyes. My latest burst of genius was to use a handheld shower head and aim very carefully to rinse the hair while shielding her eyes with my other hand and getting her to help shield her eyes.

Also, we switched back to no-tears baby shampoo and use a spray leave-in conditioner after the bath.

Oh, and we just bought a bubble bath for sensitive skin (which she has) and bath crayons! Last night, she begged for a bath with bubbles and bath crayons.

Tomorrow she turns 3, and we are slowly coming out of the most recent regression. I'm hoping we are done with some of these fussies for now.

[obe1]

We had this with our 21 month old son - we weren't sure if it was an age thing or linked to the birth of our daughter. It took 6 weeks or so to overcome - the key was to put him in the baby bathtub that we bathed our daughter in for the first few weeks. We would bathe her first, then take her out and put him straight in. He would barely fit and at first he just about tolerated it, with the odd tear. After a while it became a case of "well, if she can have a bath, so can I". Eventually, you could see that he started to relax again at bathtime, renewed his interest in playing with toys and we were able to go back to the main bath.

[rebecca]

You forgot my favorite summertime remedy-- letting them play with the hose. Seriously. They get wet enough to call it clean. Out west, we have that option from about April-October!

[libbyllama]

I hundredth the shower idea and the showering with them idea and the bathing with them idea. We do any and all of these with my 2.5yo if the occasion calls for it.

Plus, if it's not too cold in the garage (Ha!), then I have let him bathe in the washtub out there. It's where the dog gets his bath, so the novelty factor was HUGE.

Oh! Another thing that worked was bathing DS with a friend or playmate. If we're having a playdate or visiting friends with kids, we have been known to throw a bath into the mix, whether it's middle of the day or dinnertime.

[K]

My son went through this phase around this age. For him, I thought it was about anticipating bedtime, because his bath was right before bed. We ended up rearranging his schedule a little, moving up his bathtime and adding in some quiet time/settle down time before bed but after the bathtime. It seemed to help with bedtime, too!

[Cloud]

We went through a bath refusal phase, but earlier. Maybe at 18 months? I can't remember. What finally fixed it: (1) a doll that could get a bath, too. (2) mommy taking a bath with her for a few nights. (3) BUBBLES!!!

My almost three year old refuses to take a shower. She is freaked out by it. I wish I had introduced her to showers earlier, because she threw up Sunday night and I really, really would have preferred to give her a shower rather than a bath. The bath calmed her down, but was kind of gross, really.

[Jac]

My son - now 2.5 - has gone through this phase on a couple of seperate occasions. We did the swimming pool thing which is great. One trip to the swimming pool and one bath per week is good enough for me. And I found shaking up bathtime a little worked - we usually bath as part of the bedtime routine, but sometimes having a morning bath would be more acceptable to him.

[the milliner]

Oh yeah...forgot to mention...For anyone who's kid doesn't like having their hair washed/rinsed:

What I've found is that if I roll up a regular sized washcloth (i.e. not the itty bitty baby ones) and place it over his forehead while I rinse, it catches all the water and his face doesn't even get wet. Of course, he still wriggles most days, but at least we can get the job done.

[SusanOR]

Didn't have time to read prev posts today.

We also only bathe 2x week (Sun & Thur).

Since we had been starting swim lessons around this time, having punkin lay on her back in the tub to get her hair wet, sit up for shampoo, then lay back down to rinse -- made a significant difference in the bath routine. No more screaming about soap in her eyes, resisting hair washing, etc. Totally different kid!

[MerrilyNJ]

Can I ask a "silly" question about the logistics of introducing your toddler to the shower? I have a 13 month old and as a working mom this would a) save me from having to shower in the morning b) prevent the sporadic bathtime freakouts and c)shorten up the bedtime routine and get us both ready for bed faster. She's aware of the shower - plays in the bathroom while I am in our stall shower (glass doors so I can see her) on the weekends and knows that Mommy is clean and warm when I get out - and she puts her cold little hands on my legs to prove it...

So - do you hold them? Let them stand? Do they get startled by the spray/noise? Do they get clausterphobic? Is this all trial and error until I figure out what my kid can handle?

I distinctly remember showering with my mom and sister when we were on vacation at the beach when I was little - I think it was easier to get all the sand off of us and saved her from living in the bathroom with us. It was always no-nonsense - get in, lather up, get out.

[Elizabeth]

Haven't read all the comments yet but my 17 mth old stopped loving the night time bath which *was* part of our night routine about a month ago. He was loving hanging out in the tub up to about 15 minutes which we did every other night as part of night time routine then he just screamed and signed all done at like minute two. So we did fast bathes for a bit and then on a crabby day with nothing to do I filled the tub and he was happy as a clam so now we do daytime bathes still every other day or so and he is just fine.

[Kelly]

Nobody has mentioned using a different bathtub. We use a big garden tub (in the regular tub) for our 2.5 year old--uses less water overall, fills really fast, and no drain to worry about. A little un-stylish in the bathroom, but it works for us.

Also, we really rarely wash E's hair. It just doesn't need it. It's not like she's greasy or anything. I wash it when it's got food or dirt or vomit or whatnot in it. We often go months without a shampoo. We do this for two reasons...a) she HATES to get her head wet, and b) she has curly hair that gets quite mangled if it's washed too frequently. I'm not yet ready for her to have dreadlocks...

[MrsHaley]

I WISH I had all this confirmation that less-frequent baths were ok when DD was having the hardest time with it (2-2.75 y/o). I pushed through but just not doing it would have saved a lot of screaming, crying and frustration for everyone. She's still not a huge fan (every other day bath now) but we got one of those kiddie showers that hook up to the reg. showerhead with a long hose and a little fish on a suction cup at the end. The spray comes out of the fish mouth and hits her on the belly, not in the eyes, and she's much happier not having to sit *in* water. It's a 'standing bath' (our term too!) every night and takes about 3 minutes. Hair gets shampooed every other time she gets bathed, which amounts to about once a week.

The 18-month-old would sit in the tub till his butt gets pruney, but the shower fish scares him TO. DEATH. He screams and points and quivers until I take it down and hide it in the linen closet.

Bathtime involves a great deal of hoop-jumping at our house, as you can see.

[z]

Sorry- haven't read all the comments but besides bathing less, putting a small stool in the bathtub helped us out. It became a boat that babies got to sail in- so i guess that goes with distraction.

[Elaine]

@ the milliner -thanks for suggestion about the washcloth over the eyes. Rinsing the hair is our biggest issue.

Anyone know a good way to teach a child to lay back in order to get their hair rinsed? Or what age that is even possible? Mine is 22 months.

[Cloud]

@Elaine- Hubby just told our daughter to lean back. I think that started working sometime after she turned 2. I was pregnant at the time, and had given myself a pass on toddler baths, so I am afraid I don't really know when she "got it".

@MrsHaley- kids shower attachment??? Why did I not know about these? I must investigate....

[Lubna]

Bubbles have been my bathtime lifesaver!

[Claudia]

@Elaine- I taught "chin up." My DD went through a fairly long phase of hating having her hair shampooed/conditoned/rinsed, but has now come to be perfectly amenable to it. I think what helped was her hanging out in the bathroom while I showered, and she saw me abuse myself in the same way with no complaint.

DD never developed a fear of the bath, but did develop a liking for the shower. We give her the choice now.

[BlueBirdMama]

My son screamed like his leg was in a bear clamp anytime we took a bath between 17-24 months. The whole time. Baths were quick, as infrequent as possible and I got very wet. Eventually, hysterics were restricted to hair washing. So we just powered through hair washing about twice a week and the rest was all about bath toys, bubbles, singing songs (I sometimes sit next to the tub and play guitar) and lots of cuddles in the towel afterward.

Eventually he learned to learned to lie down on his back with me holding him so we could wash his hair w/o drama... he didn't get this until about 2.75 y.o. Now he's almost 3 y.o. and I'd say we bathe 3-4 times a week, max (in the depths of winter when he wasn't going outside much, we were down to about 2x per week). He really enjoys taking a bath now, so it is definitely possible for your child to grow out of his bath hatred.

[Wilhelmina]

My 2 year old DD has had severe eczema since she was 6 weeks old, which has been under control more or less since she was 8 months old. As in control by rigorous preventative care.

That means the daily longer bath, twice daily full coating in emollient, top ups of said emollient and RX creams on developing patches at night which require twenty minutes of restraint so she can't rub the steroid in her eyes.

She's spirited and of course none of this is always pleasant, so we've had huge roof-raising tantrums about all the above processes at different points of development.

I've noticed that the dermatologist's nurse always looks a bit funny at me as I've persevered with all the treatments. It's good as my little girl's skin is much the better for it, and much better than other affected toddlers' skin where the parents give up, but I think she's imagining that I'm an iron disciplinarian or have hand-cuffs.

I am in the sense that when it comes to it I do hold her down to apply her creams, and I have also held her firmly in the bath while pouring water over her ( not her head) so she got the twenty minutes of hydration. The brittle smile of " for your own good" .

Severe tantrums have meant much holding and restraining, as in gently but firmly and allowing her to keep her dignity as much as I can. But they fizzled out as they got no result.

But mostly I use timing, as in the points of the day when she's most tolerant for things. First thing in the morning and after her bath at night.

Nappy changing and top up emollient still is often a tantrum though.

With the bath she has a sense of control as she can take the stopper out and in, which she likes to do, as well as toys she picked out and sponges and pouring games. Once she's had enough she stands up and I immediately help her out.

With the emollient I hand her a small tube of cream and she puts that on her face in imitation of mummy.

I have found that if I tell her to do something it gets the mother of all tantrums, but if something is a routine, as in we always do this, she will fall into line more or less.

I'm a SAHM so during the day I let her set the pace and the direction of her daily walk. That takes a very long time but she gets to make the choices. That really has helped her be more cooperative at home.

When we're in the small shopping centre I negotiate where we go first and let her set the pace.

We've lots of lifts( elevators) and escalators and buttons to open doors nearby too, so we ride them and she can press all the buttons.

It's a trade-off of not letting her win on tooth-brushing or skin-care but letting her " win" as often as I can elsewhere.

If I decreased the frequency of baths or treatments she'd soon be resisting them all. She needs her boundaries or it's more than three public tantrums a day. Which is an average day.