Equilibrium/disequilibrium

Those of us who have parented toddlers and preschoolers are familiar with the concept from the Ames & Ilg books of equilibrium and disequilibrium. Basically, Ames & Ilg observed that kids tend to cycle in 6-month waves between equilibrium--which they describe as fluency of motion, consistency of mood, ability to learn easily and acquire new skills rapidly--and disequilibrium--which they describe as awkwardness of motion and stuttering in speech and skill acquisition.

Learning that concept explained a whole lot to me about my first child, and has helped me as my second child cycles through. But I'm beginning to think it applies to adults, too. Or at least me.

I feel like I'm in a stage of disequilibrium right now. I'm forgetful* and receptively but not expressively empathic and awkward (bruises all over my legs, sprained foot/ankle, crunched shoulders/neck from sleeping strangely) and just kind of needy and cranky.

And it hit me that maybe that's why I'm feeling so much tension between my younger son and me right now--we're both in periods of disequilibrium. So I don't have the grace and sure footing right now to just let his rawness be his and not take it onto myself.

I know, and you know, and we've all known forever, that when you don't have enough resources (sleep, mostly, but also support and love) you aren't able to parent your kids as well as you'd like. But I think this is more than this. It's not about scarcity of resources for me--it's just that I'm clumsy right now. And my little one is clumsy, too. And we're bumping into each other, and leaving scrapes and bruises.

Thoughts? Do you think you still go through the equilibrium/disequilibrium cycle? If so, how does it affect your parenting?

* I had a whole post about how the cleaners came last Saturday and how terrified of that I was. Which you'll get later this week. But then yesterday while dropping my older one at school I realized that my younger one didn't have school and *I'd completely forgotten* and I ended up bringing him to work with me. Yeesh.

Comments

[Cathy]

I feel like I go through "growth spurts" still. It doesn't happen that often anymore, but every once in a while stuff gets harder as I'm figuring it out, and then it gets easier. I've been picking up new responsibilities at work and with my daughter's Girl Scout troop, and there was a stretch where everything felt like it was uphill. It's getting easier now, but there are still stumbling blocks.

I'm not sure about the physical stuff - I'm usually pretty absent minded about my corporeal self - so I usually have mystery bruises, etc. But I could see if you were distracted by other challenges in your life, becoming (hopefully temporarily) more clumsy while you're working it all out.

[Laura]

I've never noticed any six-month shifts between equilibrium and disequilibrium in my kid. It's an interesting concept, but I see no evidence for it in my own child's development.

[Elizabeth]

Read this made me realize that's what's going on with my three-year-old: she's sleeping better, potty training herself, eating without a fight, and becoming quite the little actress. She must have hit a period of equilibrium. I, on the other hand, am a mess. Disequilibrium, maybe? But I just had a baby two months ago, so I've been wondering if it's PPD. It's making me feel that I'm not a very good parent (to my three-year-old anyhow--I can do the nursing and cuddling and whatnot that the baby requires), and then I feel guilty because she is being so good.

[MrsHaley]

I def. see this in my 3 y/o. We are in a disequilibrium phase right now -- the 6 months after her bday are when she's got a wheel loose. Thankfully, her balanced times are through the summer & fall, which is extra fun as far as being game for new experiences!

My periods of equilibrium/disequilibrium definitely cycle faster because they are 100% hormonal. I am hormonal birth control-free, not pregnant & not nursing constantly (1x a day) for the first time in 15 years so I'm only just getting a read on my cycle without interference. It is eye-opening! FWIW, I'm well balanced for the 3 weeks after my period, completely whackadoo the week before, then tired and half sick the week of. The 3 weeks of balance are awesome, though. And once it registers that the reason I'm a wing nut is because of my cycle (I often need to be reminded), then I can usually implement coping strategies that keep a lid on it.

[Jenny]

Can the shifts be every 2-3 months. My girls cycle about every 10-12 weeks. Growth and Development. We are in a big Development Stage right now and the stuttering and emotional fragility lead the house by the tail.

I feel that I cycle with them but not to the same extent. Some weeks I am super patient with their crazy mood swings and stuttering, others I can't manage to deal with it and loose it, all with the circumstances the same. I just grow tired of the phase and that basically puts me in a phase. We feed off each other I guess.

[Cloud]

@Jenny- we've definitely noticed a cycle of easier and harder times, and it is definitely shorter than 6 months. But we've also noticed that we seem to have more hard times around the half-birthdays. So my current mental model is one of a big sine wave of relatively easier and harder times, with the easier times around her birthdays and the harder times around the 6 month mark. But within that big sine wave, there are little oscillations every few weeks or so, too.

OK, that sounds unbelievably geeky. At least I haven't actually plotted it out and made a pretty little graph of good times and sucky times at Chez Cloud. I've been tempted, but I haven't done it!

[caramama]

@Cloud - My girl's cycles are not 6-months long nor at the half-year mark. I've totally been wanting to chart it out and make a graph, too! Geeks, unite!

[Irene]

I definitely go through some predictable moods/phases, although I always thought it had more to do with seasons. In August and early-mid September, I'm restless - I feel like I'm fed up with summer heat, and fed up with whatever I'm doing and wherever I am. In late September early October, I feel sad about the end of summer, with just a hint of beginning-of-school nerves/excitement (even though I'm no longer in school). I usually feel blah during February, and pretty good throughout the spring and summer. I always assumed it was mild S.A.D., but maybe it's also equilibrium/disequilibrium.

[paola]

My son's dis. cycle starts a couple of months after his birthday but only lasts 6 weeks to two months max, thankfully! My daughter's dis. cycle has, till now, lasted a good 6 months and is after her half birthday. They are both in a great place right now, but we are nearing Noah's two months post birthday, so the sh.t is likely to hit the fan any minute now.

As for me, I haven't noticed these phases for myself yet.

[hydrogeek]

@Cloud and @caramama Glad to hear I'm not the only total geek that's wanted to use excel to figure out my kid before. Geeks unite indeed!

[hush]

Interesting. @Moxie, I remember you saying you felt you often experience "clumsy PMS," as did your mother. This could be attributable to lot of different factors, as you mention.

My oldest is not yet 2.5, so I haven't yet had the displeasure of any of this firsthand. But even if it turns out to mean nothing for us, I think it is a really cool way to think about child development. I tend to find solace in unique explanations as to why my kid will act like a pill at certain times. Being able to predict it is somehow comforting!

[Laurie]

Okay, how's this? My birthday (August) is almost exactly one month before my son's (September). And it's right at this time of the year (okay, last year and this year, he's two) that things go to hell. Part of our problems this year included learning to climb out of his crib the same week he had the chicken pox. But that week really kicked my ass and made me feel like a worthless parent.

But I know once spring really hits (and it's about to here) thing will probably start looking up for both of us.

Seasonal on many levels.

[daniko]

This is funny, because I just bought the book Your Three Year Old : Friend or Enemy used the other day. I just happened upon it and thought the title was so fitting. After going back and reading the post about this book I am eager to start it! My dd just turned 3.5yrs today, but for the past 2-3 months has been totally out of whack. Toileting regression, clingy behavior, baby behavior, moodiness, etc. I have heard from other sources that this is normal, but it doesn't make it any easier. Maybe this book will give me solace.
As for me, I feel like I am always in disequilibrium. No but really, sometimes I feel like I start to really make progress in certain areas and wonder why I didn't figure this stuff out before. Or I will remember that I did figure it out but then forgot again. Does that make any sense?

[cassandra]

Don't forget that the spring solstice is coming and that the cycles of the moon (we're mostly made of water) can tie into disequilibrium for everyone in the family. Take care, remember to breathe calmly, and know that it's just a phase to pass through (as has been mentioned many many times here before).

[SarcastiCarrie]

To all the Geeks - I did it once. I plotted a bunch of stuff about my first kid in Excel. I made my own growth curve thing and a nursing times of day and duration spreadsheet (complete with info on how that nursing came out on the other end). I think I was trying to figure out the regression analysis/trendline that would let me predict his future behavior. All that research and I never found the uniting equation.

[IMK]

@Jenny - My oldest definitely has 3 month cycles. She's 4 now and without fail, she is in disequilibrium for 6 weeks on either side of both her birthday and half birthday.

@Moxie - I never put it together, but I'm sure this is why M's periods of disequilibrium are so hard on me. Our birthdays are just 3 weeks apart. I bet I'm in disequilibrium at the same time. I feel so much better knowing this.

[Brooke]

I have nothing to add expect that my four year old is in such a period of craziness that I don't know what to do.

She is being mean to the other kids at preschool. She has started to just ignore us like she can't even hear us. And she was so mad that she bit me hard enough to raise a blood blister the other night.

I am really, really, really hoping this passes soon. I am not being a good parent to her because I am just so worn down by the ignoring and the meanness.

[hedra]

I love those books.

My dad, who despite being in some ways a rather typical macho male (engineer for the defense department, former military counter-sniper, blah blah blah), seems very tuned in on things like this (he's also very very good with small children). Anyway, when I told him about the disequilibrium stages, he thought about it a moment and said he definitely still had those, just not annually. They were a few years apart, but he'd go clumsy, feel like he had a hard time processing information (everything too loud/too much), and where he just wanted to climb into his mom's lap and shut it all out for a while (he was 70 at the time).

I've noticed them with myself, as well, but not annually anymore. I think in adolescence they shifted out of the annual cycle. I watched my little brother go through one of those stages (emotional regression, neediness, crankiness, physically 'off') way before I knew about them officially (I can remember them from childhood, so I knew where he was) - and that was not a half-year cycle, it was more 'chunky' over a long span (like a longer period with some bursts in it instead of one single wave with a single peak near the end). Then it settled down to some new kind of rhythm.

If I use my sister as a monitor (the one with mild Aspergers, who is in her 50's), I'd say probably about every 4-6 years there's a cycle in adulthood (there's no biological reason the pattern would stop - and brain plasticity is being proven to be an ongoing trait...). She is effectively a-relational with the family for long spans, but then will surface for a period of time and need some attention, especially from mom. The needier phases in her were the only ones where she seemed to notice there WERE other people around. Or maybe it was the opposite (the peak of the regulation phase?) - either way, that's the pattern we see. It could be unrelated, of course.

I do see the stages with myself, too. As a dancer over a few decades now (dancing for 35 years this year!), there are phases where my body is not firing in time with itself... Though I think I've generally blamed that on other things.

That said, I also see similar patterns with bad echos of bad history (miscarriage anniversaries, say), where when my mind is out of sorts, the rest of me follows. But those are shorter spans, not long cycles.

Whether it is a disequilibrium stage in the sense of actual brain function, or not, being in an 'off' state of being while parenting a child who is in an 'off' state of being SUCKS. On both sides. Having just been through a really rough bout of flashbacks to abuse history, I can say it is very good I have a safety net and more useful that my kids do, because my parenting tanked. Total lack of patience. And of course, my kids are all born at the same time, so they're ALL rolling into the peak disequilibrium stage right now... lovely. Fortunately, even for the 'triggered by something else' events for me, my skills seem to come up to a higher level on the far side of the curve, so I've been feeling a great deal more patient coming out of this one.

[Angela]

My son will be 3.5 this month, and I have been hoping that this explains his behavior. We have had several accidents after mastering potty training (two in one day!), and everything is a battle. Yesterday I was putting some watermelon in his lunchbox to take to school, and he began screaming and pounding on the fridge that he didn't want watermelon. I started to put it away and he switched to screaming about wanting watermelon. WTF, kid!?! Add that to the tantrum he had about me taking the newspaper in the car instead of leaving it in the garage, and I couldn't drop him off at school fast enough!

Other things that I have also noticed recently is that he isn't eating a lot at meals (ie, will eat a good breakfast but not much lunch or dinner) and he has been very tired. Do you think that these things are related?

[caramama]

I can't really speak to stages of equilibrium and disequilibrium in myself, because of my Seasonal Affective Disorder. My moods, emotions and total being is completely related to the seasons. What's amazing to me is that I feel like my "normal
self all year long this year, since I am taking anti-depressants this winter. Maybe I'll notice other cycles of myself if I can regulate my SAD all year long. Hmmm.

[caramama]

@Brooke - That just sucks. I wish I had some way to help you or fix it! Instead, I can only extend my sympathy.

[zimbabweanjen]

@Angela
have the exact same problem with my son who will be 4 in August...it's so exhausting, relentless, and when he's having a meltdown in the middle of the square when you are trying to push the baby's pram and carry a huge box to the post office all at the same time, the stares of onlookers are almost too much to bear. so i sympathise with you, let's hope it passes soon!

[Cassieblanca]

@Brooke - Just throwing this out: Is there any chance that she has an undiagnosed ear infection that's affecting her hearing? I say this to start with because you say "She has started to just ignore us like she can't even hear us" but also because, along with the not hearing that can sometimes be the result of an ear infection, you also often see behavioural issues with prolonged hearing problems. There was a journal article I read recently (will try to find the link) that demonstrated that kids with hearing loss expend much more cognitive energy just trying to understand what people are saying, which makes them more tired, more stressed and have more problems with staying on top of their behaviour in general. I know that my 3-year-old, who has had three periods of ear-infection-related hearing loss since November is just much more sensitive and prone to losing it over little things when he's not hearing properly, though he doesn't actually seem frustrated about the not hearing itself -- it really does seem like he's just stretched to the limit with trying to listen, and doesn't have any energy left over to deal with keeping his sh*t together. Similar story from a friend, whose daughter's behaviour went from night to day once she had tubes inserted in her ears. And I think Wilhelmina had a comment about this in the post on receptive language a few posts back. Couple of things to note if you suspect this might be what's going on: Not all ear infections register as painful to children; it can take up to 9 weeks (or more) for the fluid to completely drain from the inner ear; a regular old look in the ear at the doctor might not catch an infection, if it's just starting or just finishing (and thus not making the actual eardrum bulge). Good luck!

[Cassieblanca]

@ Brooke (and anyone else interested) - the link to the paper describing listening effort and fatigue in children with hearing loss is here (I'm guessing you need a subscription to read the whole paper, but I'm hoping you can read at least the abstract without one):

http://jslhr.highwire.org/cgi/content/abstract/45/3/573

[Sharon @proactiveparenting]

I so hear you. There's a book called Passages by Gail Sheehy that outlines the passage, equilibrium/ disequilibrium that adults go through. Just thought you might want to know.
I know when my boys were living at home and I was going through one of my stages I would bump heads with taller, the younger one. He was sensitive and felt out of balance when I wasn't "on". And when he was in his disequilibrium and I was in my disequilibrium it went past bumping heads to a full on power struggle followed by tears and long talks. Those were tough times.
Hope you feel better!

[nej]

HA! February has always been the longest, suckiest month of the year for me. I always thought it was SAD or something weather related, but now that we live in CO aka "the sunshine state", cloudy weather was no longer suspect. And every year it's the same thing - I am short on patience, I have bruises all up and down my shins, I can't keep track of stuff, I can't stand the sight of my husband, the dog annoys me and the cat gets nothing but the stink eye from me, etc. And when I got the dreaded insufficient funds email which did not go unnoticed by DH, I said "I can't believe I did that. It's been like a year since I bounced a check." And then it hit me. February is my half birthday. And with E going through his disregulation phase, I realized that I still have one, too. And since his birthday is only 20 days after mine, we go through them together. Awesome.

Now that I know this, though, it has made it much easier. March arrived and it was like a cloud lifting off from over us. E came out of his phase and I held his hand, no longer seeing him as my adversary, but as my comrade instead. And it was humbling to realize that I am still very much like my 2.5 yr old, still learning and growing and having a tough time of it. Needless to say, I'll be planning around this next year.

Oh, and I geek out on all sorts of mothering stuff, too. I have a spreadsheet with DH's, E's and B's weight/height and I track and compare them. I *wish* I had my info so that I could extrapolate and predict future growth. And I've also charted nursing times, nap times, sleep times, and food intake to see how it corresponds to behavior/sleep patterns. I assumed everyone did this. :)

[crescentgirl]

I'm so sorry, Moxie! It sounds rough at your house. I love these explanations (the disequilibrium thing) because it helps me NOT take it personally.

I always described this process of discovery w my older son as alchemy - trying to find the perfect chemical, situational, environmental, equation to happiness for us. Or a day without a tantrum from either of us. Now I just try and go slower through the day. When I rush, we all lose it.

It sounds to me like you are really busy and trying to hold so much in your head. Is it a particularly busy time at work? Do you and the boys have any vacations planned, just the three of you, to hang and have fun and not have to be anywhere or do any subways for a few days?? Fun to think about even if not on the sked right now, maybe ...

[Computer Rentals]

Actually I think every person lives cycles, maybe the kids are 6 months cycles as the book says, but in real life people need time to reset ourselves after a while of too much calm or difficult things that change that calmness.

[Internet Services Providers]

I believe my life is a cycle..

It starts with new ideas, goals and proyects I want to achieve.

Then preparate myself, search for those skills, knowledge and help to learn and undertand.

Falls and some success.. everyting is a cycle!!