Q&A: "help for a shitty mom"

Encouragement needed. Kelly, who has a 3-year-old son and 4-month-old twin boys, is in a world of pain. She writes:

"I really need help. Or validation. Or something. You're the only person I know to ask and won't tell me I'm a total loser.

I am about to lose my mind. The boys still aren't sleeping. Actually, they are on this fucked up schedule where 1 will go to sleep at 9:30pm and sleep 3-4 hours, then wake up, eat, and sleep for 5-6 hours. The other will go to sleep at 9:30 and sleep for 6 hours straight, eat, then wake again after 3 hours. I am about to lose my mind. Oh...wait...I already said that. I won't even mention about how they don't always go back to sleep after I feed them. That is another whole pain in my ass.

The worst part is that I am really getting resentful of them and I'm to the point of mostly not even liking them. It is completely stupid because they are babies for God's sake. I know it isn't their fault and they are just being babies, but SHIT ALMIGHTY I am dying here. Today, they didn't want to go to sleep at naptime...they both cried uncontrollably, even after rocking and even after putting them in the swings (and BTW...I am using the damn swings as a crutch, but I AM SO TIRED). I finally had to throw them in the car and drive. They fell asleep for 15 minutes and promptly woke up when I got home.

I have never been a fan of CIO (didn't need to with SuperAiden, the perfect baby but terrible toddler). My heart would break at the thought of letting my baby scream, but I am starting to do it now and the worst part is I don't feel bad about it. It is awful...letting a 4 month old baby cry his little heart out, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

My mom was here 5 days/week, but she is 72 and can only handle 1 baby at a time. (She's now at her vacation place in Florida for a well-deserved month vacation.) My husband is worthless with all 3, but seems to think I should be able to handle this after all my nanny experience (which I probably could IF I COULD GET SOME SLEEP). I can't even nap during the day because they take those bullshit 45 minute naps and I can't always get them back to sleep...even if I put them in the swings. Then, of course, Aiden will need to use the bathroom at least once during his 2 hour rest time. He doesn't go potty by heimself because A. he's in that "I can't do it...help me!" phase; B. he gets distracted and will wander through the house/fill the sink/go outside/find something to hurt himself/make a mess.

Between me no longer having a job and my husband's 35+% pay cut from 2008, hiring someone is really not in the cards right now. And even finding someone is so. much. work.

I really wanted these little twits...I even wanted twins. I knew the first few months would suck, but I really didn't expect things to suck this bad. For this long.

And regarding the going to bed thing, we talked about how my husband can just stay up and wake the 3 hour sleeper to feed him before bed, but what do I do about milk supply? I am already struggling (as I did with Aiden). I'm taking fenugreek and goat's rue. As it is, they eat every 2 hours during the day (another sucky chapter to this story), but if I go 4 hours, I can't pump any more than if I pumped after 2 hours. I'm afraid of what will happen if I go 6 hours. I'm already supplementing and I really don't want to supplement more if I can help it.

I want to look back on this time fondly (like I do with Aiden), but right now all I see is a crazed lunatic mother who yells all the time and resents the kids she so badly wanted. WTF do I do???"

Oh, crap. I am so, so sorry that you're in this awful place right now.

I don't know exactly how to fix things, but I can give you a reality check:

1. It's really OK that you hate things right now, and even that you resent your babies. You won't forever. A lot of us have, especially in the really early days like this. It's easy to feel love all the time when you're not under constant physical torture.

2. It sounds to me like your prioritizing a lot of ideals over your own health. Maybe take a step back and assess how you'll feel in 5 years about supplementing or doing CIO or having a really crappy come-to-Jesus conversation with your husband vs. spiraling down into emotional despair and physical ruin that make take you months if not years to climb back out of. There are a lot of women out there who are eternally grateful that they supplemented (or switched entirely) with formula, or did sleep things they don't actually approve of (CIO or cosleeping being the top two examples I can think of), or just told their partners the truth: You need to step up or I could end up in the hospital and you'll have to do it all by yourself. You made the decisions you did about these things when you had a whole different set of information than you do now.

3. You have twins. And a kid who can't go to the bathroom by himself yet. That's hardcore. Of course it's really difficult. You're doing an amazing job.

4. Tell someone. I mean, besides me, because I'm thousands of miles away and can't give you the physical help you need. But your local friends, they love you. And they will feel horrible when they find out how much you were hurting and that they didn't know to help. Please give them the gift of trusting them enough to let them know this about you and help you. As someone who's not currently sleep-deprived except by the stupid Olympics schedule, I would feel like you were really my friend if you trusted me enough to ask me for help. They will, too.

5. It's not going to be like this forever. If you can keep waking up every morning, eventually it will get better. It'll get better faster if you ask for help. But it'll get better no matter what.

Are there any moms of multiples who want to offer sympathy or stories or suggestions about getting the babies on similar schedules?

Any moms of singletons who want to offer sympathy or stories or support?

Please do.

Comments

[Stacy]

I so feel for you. I am a mom to a 3.5 year old girl and 19 month old twin boys. First I do not think the swings are a crutch. Twins present problems that you can easily solve with just one. I felt that rocking the boys to sleep was easier with the swing. As for breastfeeding, I tried so hard to breastfeed them without supplementing but I decided, in the end, that twins are almost impossible to exclusively breastfeed. I did breastfeed them while supplementing until they were 11 1/2 months. I was so happy when one of them bit me so I could end it. Hopefully this will be all a blur to you in a few months. Take care of yourself. Getting them to sleep through the night could be one of the most important steps to this.

[Tonina]

I'll be an early contributor for this round. I got to the point with my one and only now 4YO child that once when he was four months old I spent two STRAIGHT hours screaming at the top of my lungs, till I was hoarse and couldn't speak for a few days afterward. Why? Because my son wouldn't sleep and wouldn't stop crying and had been crying for three hours and I couldn't find a single damn thing wrong and I tried everything I could think of and I had no clean laundry and my husband hadn't been home for more than a few hours' sleep and a shower in two straight weeks. I had tried so hard to not ask for help, to do it on my own, to never let people see me struggle because I'm severely physically disabled and all I got from almost every person I knew from the time I got pregnant till that moment were comments about their fears that I couldn't handle caring for an infant. It drove me crazy.

But my son drove me crazier. I'd risked my precarious health to carry and give birth to him. But by the time he was four months old, I resented him, I resented my family for not helping me even though I'd fought against much in the way of help, and I resented the HELL out of my husband because he got to leave the house and he never seemed to help with the chores I really needed help with and he couldn't get his boss to stop running him ragged because he'd had the temerity to take 10 vacation days during and shortly after our son's birth! So I stopped sleeping basically at all, I stopped eating, I had horrible problems trying to breastfeed and felt like an utter failure when his doctor basically forced him on to formula, even though I knew it was the only choice we had. I was an absolute mess and I felt like I was drowning, that it would never get better, and that everyone would find out what a total loss I was as a mother.

That was my breaking point - the one where my husband drove an hour home from work with me screaming incoherently into the cell phone and our child screaming in the background. I realized I needed to ask for help. I realized my husband and I had to work out a better division of labor - and after that incident, so did he. I realized that I was a lot weaker by avoiding help than by admitting areas of weakness and need.

So if I can offer any advice from that time - and I feel stupid doing it, because you're in a situation I know I couldn't handle - it's please, talk to your friends and search out help in your community. Look for mothers' groups at your church or synagogue that provide care for the kids while the moms relax. Sit your husband down for the This Is My Limit speech. Get out of the house alone, even if it's just to run to the pharmacy or the dry cleaner's. I used to go down into the basement and scream into a pillow when things got truly out of control - put the twins in a safe spot, plunk your 3YO in front of the TV for a quick episode of Yo Gabba Gabba and scream it out for a minute or two. You are running on a schedule that will break you if you don't find ways to bend. But it WILL get better, especially if you can find little ways to cope, quick ways to get a break from your kids and your house and the chaos. Things that used to mean nothing to me made all the difference in the world while my son was a (terrible!) baby.

And you will look back on some of these days and smile. It's hard to recognize the good times because you are so overwhelmed by the insanity surrounding you. My son's early infancy is a bit of a blur, but I promise you, even in all that hell, there are wonderful sweet moments I can remember now that I never really grasped at the time. You will get through this and those moments will be there waiting for you in your memory when you come out on the other side.

[Elena]

Kelly,
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time! I was not blessed w twins but I totally relate to your feeling like you are dying...the sleep deprivation and stress of dealing w crying infant(s) is brutal. PLUS you are trying to PUMP!!? You don't have to be superwoman! It would be lovely to negotiate more support from hubby- I can't address that one as I am having my own struggles in that arena myself. But:
I also had low milk production and had to supplement and wake my daughter every 1.5 to 2 hours to feed and them pump after holding daughter upright for 30 mins due to reflux.. It was pretty horrible and I only had one child!
Please consider taking some stress and strain off yourself and switch to formula. There is no shame in formula! You won't feel so wiped out, you won't have to deal w the damn pump and the babies will probabbly sleep longer from getting fuller tummy. They have gotten tons of benefit from 4 months of breast feeding. Don't feel any guilt about the swing, either. My daughter sleep all night in hers for a year!! w my pediatricians blessing. I had to get some sleep...I did everything alone w some help from hubby, but no mom or sisters and few friends to lend a hand. It is very, very hard and in your situation I can not imagine the challenges.

Call your friends for help, seriousky think about the switch to formula and let the kiddos swing freely.

Have you read Dr. Ferber? There are lots of steps to "CIO" a term he actually never used himself. If your babes are of the right temperment it may work. It did not work for me because my daughter is more spirtited and would rather scream & puke than be left alone so I did not go the Ferber route...but I have heard of some kids who respond well to the method when it is used correctly. Don't forget to remind yourself that this will pass and if you need to let the kids cry in the crib and you need to walk away for a breather it is okay. Best wishes

[CaliBoo]

Wow. I don't have experience with multiples, but I can tell you with my singleton, at 4 mos old, NOTHING worked. OK, she liked my right boob, but everybody/thing else could go to hell. My breaking point was the day where she was up from 6 am to 3 pm without a nap.
It was a tormented decision for me to start "sleep training" at 4 months, basically modified CIO, and it sucked the big one. With time, her sleep incrementally improved, almost so gradually that it took us a while to realize she was sleeping through the night. Looking back, I wish that we didn't have to do CIO, but it was likely the best decision we could have made to improve not only our sleep but hers. I'd do it again.
I second previous recommendations to reach out for help from friends, and also from various support groups (namely for multiples and breastfeeding). A good BFing group with an appropriate mentor/LC will be able to help you with maintaining supply while supplementing with formula, if that is what you want.
And you are not a shitty mom, b/c a shitty mom wouldn't care about the things you obviously care very deeply about. You just need a freaking break.

[akeeyu]

God, I've been there.

1. You need sleep. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique, and there's a reason it works. You NEED sleep, so your husband is going to have to suck it up and step up to the plate on this one. Tell him some random stranger on the Internet said so.

Buy some ear plugs and claim your shift. In our house, we slept in shifts and the person who wasn't 'on duty' wore ear plugs to ensure unbroken sleep, which I craved like magical chocolate coated unicorn crack.

2. Yes, I know. That whole not-really-liking-them thing? It sucks to the nth degree, and you feel like a dick. The sleep will help, and so will time. I know you don't want to hear this four months in, but that whole first year with twins sucks ass, and then the sun comes out on the 366th day and awesome starts falling out of the sky and suddenly you will remember every wonderful thing about them and the not-liking-them thing will fade away (and not just because sleep deprivation interferes with memory formation).

3. If I were you, I'd prioritize. Something may have to give. You may have to pick what matters most to you, turn the wheel in that direction and just decide not to look back. Breastfeeding did not work out for me in a fairly dramatic way (post partum psychosis, anyone?) and it really sucked. The girls were pretty good sleepers (and by 'pretty good' I mean fairly crappy) until the 9 month sleep regression hit and suddenly I just Could. Not. Deal. With. Getting. Up. ANYMORE. and there were babies in our beds and here they are, two years old, still in our beds.

We NEVER thought we would be Those People, but it's really working out.

4. Sam swears that the only way to survive having twins is to lower your standards. No, lower. Loooooower. Imagine doing the limbo under a centipede. There ya go. You'll do fine.

5. Re swings: There's nothing wrong with using crutches if you have a broken leg, and that first year with twins is like running a marathon with two broken legs, so crutch up, sister.

6. You're doing a great job. Seriously. I know you feel like crap, but you are meeting their needs. They are safe and warm and fed and loved (even when they're not liked). You are doing a great job.

7. I'm not kidding about the sleep part, or the earplugs.

[Trish]

You sweet, sweet woman. I am so very sorry. You are in no way alone or a bad person for feeling the way that you do right now. Can I just tell you that 4 months is a really awful and hard age, in my opinion? Babies go through these developmental phases where their brains are re-wiring/learning new things. There is a big one at 19 weeks, but they can be fussy for several weeks beforehand. My daughter was a total mess from 15 - 19 weeks. I didn't like her, didn't like being a mother, wondered why on earth I had done this to myself.....and then, around 20 weeks (adjusted) she literally woke up one day and was happy and sweet and started to sleep much more consistently. Look into the book "Wonder Weeks" for more information about these phases.

But what can you do RIGHT NOW to make your life more manageable? Especially with twins, I think your best option is some type of sleep-training, and it will likely involve CIO. I really wrestled with this before we made the decision, but I have never regretted helping my daughter settle into a eating and napping routine. It literally saved my sanity when I was sinking into a pit of PPD. She is a year old now and not only is she happy, smart, and healthily-attached to me, she sleeps like a champ. Take a look at this very well-written blog post by a child psychologist re. CIO:

http://www.isabelagranic.com/bed-timing/2009/06/what-are-the-longterm-outcomes-of-letting-your-baby-cry-while-sleeptraining.html

Lastly, I had major difficulties and issues breastfeeding. I wanted to be able to breastfeed my daughter for a full year and I was prepared - I had read the books, took the classes, had the equipment and the support, booked the LC appointments. And it was the hardest decision of my life - I do not say this glibly - to switch to formula at 6 weeks. But again, I had to make my own mental health the priority. In the end, I had to accept that I was doing my daughter more of a disservice by remaining stressed out and depressed than by feeding her formula - having a sane, healthy, happy mommy is more important that breastmilk.

You really are doing a great job.

[Kristin]

I used formula and a friend once told me "formula is NOT poison" and she is so right. My son is extremely healthy and rarely gets sick. (FWIW, I also don't fit the profile of a non-EBF. I'm a well educated, upper middle class suburbanite, so most of my friends BF.) Also, I used a lot of sleep crutches for him when he was an infant and he now sleeps like a champ. Swings, vibrating chairs, swaddle, sling, you name it I used it.

Hang in there - you don't need to be supermom, you just need to get through each day one at a time however you can.

[Beth]

Not much to add except that I had tears in my eyes reading your question and Moxie's response.
Hang in there. You'll make it. I hope a really helpful friend can lend you a hand SOON.
Take care.

[Marguerite]

Hang in there, I have a 4.5 yo and 2.5 yo twin boys. Yes, 4 months is SUPERHARD, you are doing your absolute best, don't beat yourself up! With twins, nothing is a cop-out or a crutch, the situation is so hard that you have to look at it in terms of EVERYONE's well being yours first and foremost.
You have to do whatever it takes for you to be ok, somewhat rested and supported. Switch to formula if you have to (it really is not that bad!), talk to your husband, ask friends for help, really do whatever it takes to help you through the next weeks and months. It will get easier, and will feel easier once you've had the chance to sleep.
Advicewise, we forced them on the same schedule, which means if one had eaten and the other one was still sleeping, we'd wake him up. It seems harder at first, but it quickly meant that their sleeppatterns adjusted, too.
Before I go on offering advice that might not be necessary/helpful, I really just want to tell you that you are a superwoman just having made it this far. You can do it!
take care.

[SMC]

Ask for help! There must be someone, somewhere, somehow who can help you get through this - friend, neighbor, relative? I went through a really traumatic 6 months with my DD that, looking back, didn't need to be nearly so bad as it was - if only I'd asked for help sooner.

[Flo]

Wow, just wanted to say that I think you're amazing for getting this far and to absolutely not feel bad at all, not one little bit for feeling that you don't like your boys sometimes.

I only have one and there have been significant stretches of time where I have had to just take care of him out of a sense of duty more than anything else.

Sleep deprivation is a killer and makes everything crap. Everything. I can honestly say that I asked myself several times: Why did I do this? What was wrong with being childless and single? I am an idiot! I've made the biggest mistake of my life.

But things are better now; much, much better. It really does pass. And the best thing I ever did was ask my friends and even people that I didn't know all that well for help. (They're very good friends now.)

[hedra]

Some fabo advice here. I'll reiterate some of it... maybe there'll be something new, too.

1. SLEEP IS CRITICAL. Our house rule was that mommy of twins must have 8 hours of sleep per day, period. She may not LEAVE THE BED until that happens. That meant that I'd go to bed at 8 or 9 pm, and not get out of bed (other than to pee) until 11 AM, 12, 1 PM... interrupted sleep sucks, worse with twins, and worse during fussy stages. Whatever you have to do to get more sleep, do it. I was lucky in that Ep was 100% behind 'your job is growing the twins, my job is everything else'. I want to slap your husband, by the way. He may be great in other ways, but if he can't see that you're sinking, he needs someone to shake him until his teeth rattle. And he needs to spend three weeks at home taking care of the kids 8 hours a day minimum BY HIMSELF. He'll learn some skills, baby. Nobody is allowed to be useless with the kids when twins are involved. GRRRRR....

2. HELP. Get help get help get help. Get a postpartum doula, a college student from a nursing or early childhood ed school (I also like PT/OT students, they're really good with the physical play), a neighbor, someone from a twins club (!!), a mothers helper, someone, ASAP. Minimum of 4 hours a day so you can sleep.

3. Skip looking back on that time fondly. Looking back and thinking 'wow, I SURVIVED!' and considering yourself a warrior for having made it out of the pit of hell? That's where it's at. I don't look back at that time fondly, and I'm totally okay with that - it sucked. So did every developmental stage where they were each too needy to let me take care of the other or myself effectively. Hunker and get through.

4. Weaning impact (difference in measurable outcomes) is from LAST breastmilk feeding, not first supplement. If supplementing one feed might help, do it. It might not be the night one - maybe doing it in the day would make more difference. Pick the one that is right before your worst point of the day, maybe. If you are concerned about food allergy/intolerance issues, pick one of the scarily expensive fully hydrolyzed formulas, so you a) are not tempted to over-use it, b) won't worry as much about using it in the first place, and c) actual risk of reaction is lowest. Elecare and Alimentum are the ones I know of, there are probably others now. Nutrimagen I think is one step down from there (partially hydrolyzed instead of fully - some kids still react to that one, but it is a bit cheaper). But even if that's not possible, formula is not poison (as noted), and giving yourself a break and more sleep is more likely to benefit your supply than harm it (certainly if you're giving yourself a break from the 2-hour thing).

5. HELP. Did I say get help? I didn't ask for help, I told people I'd just be calling them for help. It sat a few people back on their heels, but it was essential. I wasn't coming with my hand out saying 'please, I'm so pitiful, will you help me?'... I came saying 'I'm going to sink if you don't help me, when can I schedule you to come over?' No pathos, very serious and business-like.

6. Swings rock. Heh. Use them.

7. Sleep, and help. And smack your husband, because nobody can do this alone. My little sister nannied for twins, and she said that it being your own kids is vastly different than it being someone else's. And twins is HARD, and she (as nanny) got to GO HOME. Every day! It isn't skills, it is the constantness, the neverending, no sleep, always on, guilt about not doing it 'right', etc.

Must run... hang in there. It does get brighter, later. Repeatedly. This part? Nobody loves this part.

[hedra]

Oh, and sorry about being mean at your DH. Just... well, reality sometimes means getting shaken up a bit. YOU have been shaken up, but it doesn't look like he has been.

And for the bfing/supplementing, the advice was leaning hard toward 'you clearly still want to be bfing' - for someone with different priorities, it would be a different answer. (But the main point is formula is not poison. Formula scared me to DEATH, and I ended up making the choice to start solids early-ish instead (5 months), and that was BZZZT WRONG ANSWER. Formula supplementing would have been the better choice, for my kids, and supplementing with hydrolyzed formula would have been THE right choice. I was too scared to try it. That was just dumb, in retrospect. So that's somewhat my voice of experience...)

[Mari]

Hey you. I very nearly lost my sanity in a similar situation. If I were to ever do it again, I would go for formula without feeling guilty at all. And you husband can do one night shift, with formula. Because really, it´s not ok to be useless.

[Christi]

The thing that I understand now that I didn't then (sleep deprivation SUCKS) is what a long stretch parenting is. I love being the parent of elementary school kids. And that will be your reality one day too.

Even when they're thirty and need advice about something, they'll come to you.

So not liking them right now is both totally understandable and temporary. Any choice you make now - CIO, formula - is a very small choice when it's perceived in the context of their whole lives.

I had postpartum depression, pretty severely, after the births of each of my children. With my son, the decision to go on formula so I could take Celexa - while difficult and heartbreaking - turned out to be a lifesaver at the time. With my daughter, breastfeeding while taking an SSRI thought to be safe (Zoloft)was equally heartwrenching. When you're drowning, all options can seem pretty sucky.

But flashforward to now and they're terrific kids and I love spending time with them. That is my wish and my heartfelt belief for you.

Check out Moxie's link to signs of PPD. I have a friend with twins who didn't have any PPD with any other pregnancies, but she did with her twins. I think it has something to do with the increased hormone levels during pregnancy.

Please reach out for local and/or medical help and take care of yourself. It's hard to believe when you feel like crap, but you really are worthy of self-care and of all good things. *hug*

[Misc Jenn]

I completely agree with having a "Come to Jesus" meeting with the husband. And asking your friends and trying a bit of CIO and just trying to get some sleep.

Call your friends, ask them to drive the twins around!

[Jenny]

best advice I ever got with my twins was, if 1 wakes up to eat, wake the other one and and feed them too. Now, it didn't work great cause my girls were lactose intolerant and we didn't know but it did help somewhat. And it made sense to have them on the same schedule at least.

Also, my twins did the same thing and I really barely made it. I did however spend the girls college money on a nanny 2x a week for 6 months cause I thought I was going to go insane.

[sueinithaca]

I don't have twins, but boy can I relate. My oldest was not what you'd call an ideal baby.There were many times (and have been one or two since both kids have entered toddlerdom) when I thought I was going to lose.my.mind. M husband actually had to fly home across the country from a business trip last year because I was sobbing uncontrollably for most of every phone call (and I was calling him 10x a day). That was a bit of a Come To Jesus moment for him, since he'd been flitting off on business trips left and right while I had both kids, a fledgling business, and a close relative in serious crisis - he's an academic. most of his trips are to conferences, not client meetings. He was 1 month away from getting tenure, so was super-freaked out and traveling a lot for networking/exposure purposes but still. he needed to man up. And, to his credit, he did. And my kids were 4 and 2 at the time, not even infants any more.

So - you are absolutely not alone in flipping out. It's probably the most appropriate reaction you could have to your current situation.

You totally need some help. First thing is, you shouldn't be cooking. Do you have a friend who likes to cook? Always has a full fridge? Mention to her that you're struggling and ask if she could make you dinner one night to take the edge off. She might take up the banner and make you dinner consistently. Here we call it the leftover relocation program. I have leftovers - they're perfectly good but I don't feel like eating them. So I'll fob them off on your family. Win-win. The only rule is that the food has to be good, and if it's mediocre, you have to disclose it. I have a couple three friends I do this with in a back and forth, but we'll go through periods where one person is overwhelmed and becomes the consistent recipient. Then it switches back when the next person takes over.

Re sleep: I actually really like Weissbluth's book Healthy Sleeping Habits, Happy Child. He has a fair amount of research on sleep in there and it helped me come to terms with CIO with our older - we never did it with the younger - it wouldn't be my first choice of technique but she really really benefited from it. Which meant *I* really really benefited from it.

Re formula: Sometimes if you're already frustrated and depressed and you don't *want* to wean, weaning as a solution to the sleep issue migh cause more depression than you originally had. With my first, I had a very low supply and basically had to wean (I didn't know all the tricks yet). Feeling like I'd failed at something I desperately wanted to do threw me into a depression for a long while (PPD + colicky baby = ugly). Supplementing, though, can take the edge off and give you some breathing space while not ending the nursing relationship (if you don't want to end it. if you really want to stop, then stop). You know how they say "it's not just about the milk?" Well, it's true - if you're nursing and supplementing with formula and your supply drops a bit, that's ok. You don't *need* as much because the babies are getting some calories elsewhere. They're still getting antibodies, milk, snuggles, etc.

I just want to throw out there that you should totally be taking your vitamins. And if you live somewhere in the north, take an extra vitamin D supplement. It can really help with mood as well as physical well-being.

[susana s. p.]

I am so sorry. That's actually what one mom said to me out of the blue when I told her O. was four months old. Four months just sucks, and then sucks some more (and then pushes away with all her might to cry and yell, for no apparent reason, and then back to sucking).
Look, I have the world's best baby ever, the sweetest, smartest, most beautiful, cheeriest thing there is. At four months? I was totally stuck in a guilty, awful place of loving her so much it hurt and yet not really being able to stand her. And there was just one of her!
(Now that I'm sleeping some, I can look back and tell you four months is also the beginning of wonderful, of them becoming little people who notice the world and interact with it. Which probably doesn't help them sleep.)
My point? All that guilt is needless. And also normal. As is the suckiness, and the wanting to run far, far away. You're your babies' best mom. And, more importantly, there is only one of you, and they will need you far beyond the point to which you can self-sacrifice. So put the guilt to use and tell yourself sleeping is what you're doing for them. If they have to be in a swing, or drink formula, or be woken up early to get in sync, then that's what has to happen. And they'll get something far better for them than all the world's breast-milk: a mom.

Susana, who never commented before but has a debt of gratitude to everyone here for learning this very lesson and many others during the year of no sleep.

[Kelly]

With my first I struggled with breastfeeding him (various intensive complications) and managed to do it for 4m before I just couldn't do it anymore and we switched him and he was happier and I was happier. With #2 I made it a month (same amount of time for both, complications taken into consideration) before switching him to formula and it was the best.decision.evar (for us). I felt horrible, but I felt so much better. I got more rest and there was that huge worry off my head and he slept better (excluding the colic) and life improved by miles.

I'm not saying you need to do this, but perhaps there's something you're trying to hold on to that just needs to be let go (aside from your sanity).

It's completely ok to resent and hate your baby - it.won't.last. I bonded differently with both mine and there are still times that "I love them but I hate *this*". You're not a bad mother for having needs and feelings and no super powers. It'll get better and you know that. SuperAiden will figure out the potty better and he'll become more independent soon. Heck, try explaining to him in terms he can understand that Mommy needs to nap or Mommy needs some quiet. I was stunned when, as #1 was 3yo at the time, I broke down on the kitchen floor and sobbed and begged him to "just.stop.please!" and after that (and since then) he's much more aware that Mommy isn't infallible an has needs and gets "sad" and gets sick and it's ok, but that he needs to help out, too.

I wish I could offer you more help - playdate or babysitting or something. I live in NEPA, if you're anywhere close. :P

[Victoria]

Not a mom to multiples, but I do have 3, and know how much 4 months sucks, as others have said. Not much else to add to the above comments, but if you want to continue nursing, why not try alternating kids - BF Bill and wake up Bob for a bottle at the same time, then next feed, BF Bob and wake up Bill for a bottle. I have a few friends who ended up using this feeding "style" for their twins - they had adequate supply for one baby, and each baby is still getting some breast milk (but formula is great if that's what you decide - all 3 of mine were formula fed and they are smart, attached, healthy kids). Always giving one baby a bottle also means someone can help with it - like your husband. And FWIW, when my kids stopped taking more than 1.5 oz from a bottle in the night, I gave them water - they stopped waking up after that! You are doing a great job, you will survive this, and you will look back on this fondly (really, you will). Wishing I lived closer (maybe I do!) so I could lend you a hand

[thebigmeow]

Can I just say, it is OK to eat chocolate. A whole block if you must!

There is no such thing as cheating with babies, and no short-cuts, only what is necessary for you and them to make it through the night.

Here's some love from the southern hemisphere for you.

Cheers,
Monica

[Christene]

This won't help *this very moment* but I am trying to start something that should launch next month. It's an online community to match up families with children with older adults who want to be surrogate grandparents (because maybe they don't have grandkids near, or at all, or are estranged or....).

I don't have 3 kids but want at least one more (to make 2) and we don't have family around and I'm a SAHM too and we can't afford/nor do we want daycare so a surrogate grandparent would be lovely: responsible, active, healthy older adult who wants to play a part in my child(ren's)'s life. And in our family's life.

I"ll post more info at the end of the month... the website is still being built!

Good luck!

[Erica]

I agree with the above poster who said:

best advice I ever got with my twins was, if 1 wakes up to eat, wake the other one and and feed them too.

This was SO important for us, and I didn't STOP doing it until one was consistently sleeping through the night (her sister took a lot longer) This means your husband needs to get up with you and help (if you can't EASILY get the babies back to sleep on your own.) Breastfeed if you can/want to, and then everybody gets a baby until they're BOTH sleeping again.

And speaking of breastfeeding, just do your best. If you want to continue on, go ahead, it's wonderful for them AND you, and however much they get is better than none at all. But if you need to supplement, do that.

Also, you're right in the middle of the 4 month sleep regression - where EVERYTHING, especially sleep, gets worse. I think right around then was when I started trying a 2-3-4 schedule for napping, which helped immensly.

[Jessica Star]

I hated the first 6 months of my baby's life. And I hated the second 6 months only slightly less. It got better, slowly. All of my friends and family lived far away and couldn't help. It was a nightmare time. And I ended up needing to get counseling. Because the after effects lasted a long time, too. Especially my anger towards my husband, which could've really hurt my marriage if I didn't address it.

I had problems with my milk supply, too. And ended up supplementing. I'm still beating myself up about that and my baby turned 2 in December. So... a lot of stuff hasn't worked out the way I planned.

But my child is awesome. And he and I are having an amazing toddler experience. If you had told me this a year ago I wouldn't have believed you.

You've fed them for 4 months on breast milk and if you need sleep, it's better for them if you take off to a hotel for a night and get it. Let your husband handle it for a few hours and maybe even have one of your friends come for the night and help out while you're away. Because once you get sleep you WILL be able to handle this and you WILL be able to see clearly what needs to be done to survive this current hell.

You're doing awesome. Get some sleep. That is your #1 priority.

[pennifer]

Kelly, you are doing a GREAT job. I'm rushing here, but I say ditto to what the others said. And remember Moxie's golden rule: Sleep By ***Any*** Means Necessary. My son ONLY slept in his swing for 2+ months at some point - he just wouldn't do it anywhere else.

4mos SUCKS for sleeping - search here for "4mo sleep regression". I can only imagine the hell of 4mos with twins and a 3yo. This too shall pass. I remember having a huge "mama can't do it" meltdown right then too.

Loooooooower your standards in all areas but sleep.

You'll get through this. It'll get better. You'll start having fun again, I promise, but it might take a while longer.

And yes on the getting help, even if only for very short periods, and giving your hubby a reality check.

Go, Kelly!!!

[Kaz]

Oh my god - you sound like an amazing mum! My daughter didn't sleep at night, didn't nap but howled because she was so tired so I had to tramp around with her in a sling all the time (ie. making it impossible to sleep when she was sleeping) but I ONLY HAD ONE BABY!!!! So I am basically in awe of you because you're still going!

There sounds like lots of good advice there already so just offering a bit of support! To echo others - I know breast feeding is your ideal (and why wouldn't it be). But would it be so terrible if you lowered your standards a bit and they were bottle fed? And your husband could do more at night?

My little one started refusing to breast feed (another long story of exhausted trauma) when she was four months and I was devastated. But within about a month I didn't mind that she only had bottles. And now she is 20months, a picture of health and happiness and it just doesn't seem that important any more......I didn't make the choice but even so it was so LOVELY that someone else could feed her in the night. And I could sleep. And then gradually, I stopped being so tired, and started to become almost like a normal human again......Hang in there!!

[Becca]

I feel for you so much and I only have ONE BABY! One baby, and I have totally felt resentful of him for normal baby things ESPECIALLY at months old (just sleep! why can't you sleep!), have been resentful of my husband, have strongly considered CIO even though we don't "believe" in it, and again I only have one baby. I'm trying to multiply my feelings by 3 to get an idea of how you feel and all I can say is OH HONEY.

I wish I could be more helpful. I just wanted you to know that your feelings are so normal. If there is somebody you trust to spill all this to in real life, definitely find that person (a friend, a therapist, your doctor) - that could really help.

Also your husband really does need to be more involved - even if he can totally take over just for a couple of nights to get you some decent sleep, that could make a huge difference.

This too shall pass.

[mom2boys]

"Feeling like I'd failed at something I desperately wanted to do threw me into a depression for a long while (PPD + colicky baby = ugly)"

Amen to that. I failed miserably at breast feeding and it really added to my depression on top of the sleep deprivation and trying to get the hang of dealing with a baby that didn't sleep and cried all.the.time. Her husband needs to step up. That said I had a partner who didn't for the first year and it was crazy hard but we all survived. Okay the relationship didn't but the kids and I did. But I only had the one baby - not two and a toddler so OMG her husband really needs to step up.

I remember distinctly one afternoon where he just wouldn't sleep and I had been up since the 3 am shift after many days of the same and I finally just put him down in his crib and went outside and sat in the sun crying knowing he was crying and there was nothing I could do about it. I sat there for thirty minutes. I went back inside and he was still crying right there in the crib where I left him. I have never hated anything more than I did all the people who said he would eventually nap if I just let him cry more. As if I could stop him from crying. Gah.

Anyway, just another story from someone who's been there (sort of) and made it through to the other side. Hang in there!!!

[AmyinMotown]

First of all, thank you for reaching out for help. I think the biggest mindfuck we do to ourselves as mothers is to believe everyone else is JUST FINE with this and you are the only one who's struggling and everyone is doing a much better job than you. I think if more of us told the truth that sometimes? This gig just BLOWS, we'd all be better off. Which is one of many reasons I think this community is amazing.

I had an incredibly hard time going from 1 to 2, and I cannot imagine going from 1 to 3. And four months is horrible. And not being able to pay for much help/outings/etc. sucks too. My husband took a job with a 5 percent pay cut right before our daughter was born and it made things so much harder than they had to be.

My daughter, I vaguely remember, was doing the exact same crap yours do at four months, and now? Barring bad dreams, she's an awesome sleeper and has been since infancy. One small idea--have you tried an earlier bedtime? Both mine needed a 7ish pm bedtime and they do seem to sleep longer when we do that.

I second asking for hep, as well. When both my kids were born and I felt like I was drowning, I didn't ask for help because I felt like 1)I shouldn't, no one else seems to need it and 2) no one liked me enough to give it. Now that I am in a MUCH calmer and easier place in my parenting life (it WILL happen, I promise) if someone I didn't know all that well told me even the edited version of what you posted here? I'd be doing whatever I could, even something as simple as driving the babies around for you or bringing dinner or just calling you sometimes so you can weep into the phone. I'm a firm believer in "we're all in this together" and if someone saw me as someone who might "get it" about how hard this can be, I'd be honored.

Also--PBS Kids Go can be your friend. On those days where you literally feel like you will DIE if you don't get some rest, try napping the babies in the swing and putting on a little PBS and stretching out on the couch while your older one watches a little educational non-commercial television. Yes, it's frowned upon, but really unless someone's been in your exact situation and has a better idea, they can go to hell if they don't approve. Sometimes for me a short 20-minute power nap was the difference between coping and not.

[Mia C]

Am so very sorry. I don't have twins, but do have experience with sleep deprivation. My son was awful. And I was losing my mind and hysterical with exhaustion. So one day I broke the cardinal rule- I put the baby on his stomach. And he freaking went to sleep. And stayed asleep.
I ended up buying an AngelCare monitor because he just couldn't sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time on his back. And I just couldn't live like that.
By whatever means necessary caused me a lot of anxiety, but I could battle it on slightly more sleep:)

[marci]

i have nothing to add except an echo of an above suggestion with a twist - instead of a hotel, if you're having budget tightness, maybe a sleepover in a friend's guest room? one night of good, uninterrupted sleep might reset your drown-o-meter.

i like the idea of alternating which baby gets boob and which gets bottle - it makes good sense. i pumped for my preemie, btw, but that stopped when he came home. it had been time *for* the baby, then when he was there it was time *away* from the baby, so i stopped. all that to say - consider if pumping, unless you're gone like in a hotel or someone's guest room, should go away. if you're actually nursing a baby, pumping also just seems like a lot.

'leftover relocation program' - hahahaha!

you have been doing a great job. you DO NOT need to keep doing it by yourself. reach out, help is there. i know finding help can seem like more effort than just doing it yourself, but please make that effort.

[kathy]

So sorry to hear the despair in your voice! I have twins (now 6) and those early sleep issues with two of them were HARD. As hard as it is to believe, this will pass!!
I agree with the other commenters....it's ok to switch to forumula!! We had to do that too, and it lifted the weight of the world off my shoulders, especially being done with the pumping. Why do mom's have to feel so guilty about using formula??
Is there anyone in your community that you could have come over to give you a break of some sort? Even if it's while they're awake so that you can get a good nap. I'd help you, if you are by chance in Portland Oregon. Hang in there. :)

[Cloud]

I don't have time to read the comments right now, so I may be repeating... but I just want to say: I don't look back on my first daughter's babyhood all that fondly. She was difficult to soothe and a really bad sleeper. I was exhausted. But that doesn't mean
I didn't love her. And there are some great memories in there, interspersed with the feeling of survival. I do look back
on later periods fondly. Also, as the memory of how the sleep deprivation felt recedes, the good memories of babyhood get stronger.

My second daughter is a much easier baby. I can tell that I'll look back on this babyhood more fondly.

All that is just to say, I understand your desire to look back fondly. But try not to worry about it. You'll have good memories of your twins, once time dulls the memory of how painful the struggle is.

[Elizabeth]

Cripes. I have only ever had one baby at a time and there's days I feel that way. I can't imagine doing it double!

I agree with everyone, that twins means special rules. The swing isn't a crutch, it's a tool that gets you through your day. Formula (especially only at night) isn't the end of the world and might let you get a block of sleep that makes all this easier. Your husband helped make these babies, he can help deal with them now.

Give yourself a break and know that this, too, shall pass. Four months (with a singleton!) just kicked our ass but a month later, we have a really happy, fun baby. Your sons will become more interactive soon and that'll help, too.

Please know that you're doing a great job, with what sounds to me like the absolute hardest job imaginable.

[z]

I am going to chime in and say you're not a shitty mom- 4 MONTHS is a shitty time. Also echoing so many others here- switching to formula or supplementing more will be better for your kids in the long run than if mommy completely breaks down and your husband definitely needs to step up to the plate. Time for him to get on board with making sure you get what you need.

Finally you need sleep. sleep. sleep and as for cry it out- see if they are tension increasers or decreasers. That may help ease your guilty.

Last we all resent our children at some times even though it's not their fault. I think it's only natural to feel that way at times. It doesn't make us love them or live for them any less. It just means that we are overwhelmed and need to take time for ourself. In your case it means SLEEP. A good few nights of sleep will help.

Where are you located? I know many people from this site will be happy to help out including me.

[yasmara]

All the comments have been wonderful. I know you said money is tight, but is there any chance of your older son going to a local preschool program a few days a week? Maybe there's something nearby that isn't too expensive - our city has a community schools program that offers preschool with fees on a sliding scale & often church programs (if you have a religious affiliation or don't care one way or the other) are less expensive. I'm thinking that a morning program where your husband could drop off your son on his way to work might give you a break with "just" the babies (ha ha ha).

As so many commenters have said, please please please ask for some help, first of all from your husband & also from anyone local you could lean on.

[Brooke]

Dude, you aren't failing at breastfeeding! I'd probaby drop the pumping. Pumping was so hard. So hard. Nursing was great and easy for me. Pumping was cold and annoying. Tell yourself you are responsible for making what they get at the breast. Someone else is responsible for making what they get from a bottle.

That said, if exclusively breastmilk (or as close to it as possible) is your priority (and it was mine, although I only had one), that is okay. But something else is going to give. Laundry, what you guys eat, showering, where the babies sleep, finishing potty training your oldest.

Sleep. It seems like you should be able to get a six hour stretch without too much trouble from what you say about their schedule. So, get it. Your husband needs to step up and make sure it happens. And you need to make sure he knows that.

The world will look better after you sleep.

[housemouse]

I feel so compelled to comment and to echo so many other commenters in saying: You are not alone! You are doing such an incredible amount of work! You need more support and you deserve more support!

I only have one child--one lovely, beautiful child who has been a horrible, no good, rotten sleeper since Day One. And he brought me to my knees around month 4. Brought me to absolute, screaming, raging, monstrous agony by never napping longer than 20 minutes, only in the stroller, sleeping only 2 hours at a time at night, crying constantly, crabby, inconsolable, and so so tired. There were times I feared I'd go too far and shake him silly. Times I grabbed him angrily from his crib and felt rage exploding from every cell in my body. It is a miracle I didn't throw him or shake him or do something even worse. Because I really, really wanted to. Wanted somehow to hurt him as much as he was hurting me with his sleep-deprivation torture techniques. A baby! A helpless little baby.

And at that, just ONE baby. You have three!

But thanks to Zoloft; a couple of hours of babysitting a week (literally, just a couple of hours in which I napped, took a shower, and walked out the door alone so I could feel human); desperate cries for help from even random acquaintances who have now become lifelines; and, I'm not always proud to admit, CIO--WHICH SAVED MY LIFE--things are so much better now I can hardly believe I ever dropped so low.

There is no shame in formula. No shame in asking for help from anyone who will listen. No shame in swings, stroller naps, car naps, any break you can catch yourself.

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.

[Steph]

You are doing an amazing job. Reaching out for help and looking for better ways of getting through the day means you are being a great Mum to your children.

I only have one one-year-old, so I can't really relate to your situation, but I have a few points to share.

I also was not comfortable with the CIO method and at around 4 1/2 - 5 months was ready to try something different to get some more sleep. Based on what I had read and what felt right to me I decided that I would let her cry for only several minutes (often let her whimper, but when the crying changed intensity it was time to go in) and then give her her dummy (which had invariably dropped out of her mouth), and pat her until she settled. The more she settled the less I would pat her until she was still and quiet and I was maybe just resting my head on the side of her cot, sometimes I may have a still hand on her back or belly. I would help calm her down, but ALWAYS let her drift back to sleep in the room alone. The other rule I imposed was to NEVER pick her up. I would leave her to fall asleep and if she woke I would leave her for several more minutes than last time (I never had to/was able to leave her crying for more than about 20 minutes).

The evenings were started off with a dreamfeed. So I would feed her at about 10 or 11 before I went to bed, so I knew when she woke a few hours later that she wasn't starving hungry and I could help her settle herself without second guessing whether she was hungry or not.

I was really happy with this approach as I didn't have to leave her (or myself!) crying for too long, and she never got to the point where she was really screaming. I felt I could offer her my comfort while helping her learn how to settle herself. I know this may not help so well for some babies, but it was perfect for us.

With my husband's help this only took maybe three nights before she was sleeping through till about 4 or 5 when I would feed her again and we would all go back to glorious sleep until about 8 or 9!

I have no idea how/if this would work with twins, but I just wanted you to know that a modified approach to CIO can be much easier on you and the babies. You will have to get your husband on board for this one. Initially it was easier to break the waking/feeding association if her Daddy went in to settle her. After she seemed to get she wasn't going to be fed every time she woke I started going in.

I know this will probably be really annoying coming from a mother with only one baby, but a friend told me something that has got me through any tough moments: that no one phase stays the same for very long. As Moxie says, it will get better. That's not always easy to remember.

Be kind to yourself.
x

[Feeling your pain]

You need to call a sleep consultant NOW! I recommend Vivian Sonnenberg. She works over the phone. It will change your entire outlook, I promise.

[Kathleen]

Kelly,

I am not going to say anything that someone hasn't already said, but I think you need to hear it from as many people as possible, so I am still going to say it.

1) Ask for help
2) Know that you are an amazing Mom
3) Do not feel guilty or any shame for any decision you make that allows you and/or your kids to get more sleep or make things better.
4) I am going to say that again, particularly when it comes to feeding and sleeping- do whatever keeps your sanity. Pick what matters to you the most and let the rest go. Or let it all go. Whatever.
5) One more time I am going to say it: Do whatever works and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it.

Also, best books every for sleep:
1) The 90 minute baby sleep program by Moore
2) Bed Timing by Lewis and Granic

And I am sending my strongest thoughts of support your way.

[Nicole]

Sleep deprivation is actually hell. If you were getting sleep, everything would seem more tolerable. I wasn't a fan of CIO either, but when it occurred to me that it was actually unsafe for me to be driving my children, it suddenly didn't seem so bad.

[Clementine]

Kelly, it will get better. I'm at work and so can only take a minute, but know that it will get better. From what I've read there are lots of good suggestions above.

First and foremost, you're not a bad mother. What you're doing is HARD. I have a note in my desk saying "This seems hard because it IS hard," written at a sleep-deprived, stressed time with my twins. Your primary goal is for everyone to survive intact. This includes you and your sanity.

A few things that helped us:
--lower standards, as akeeyu said. You want everyone to get through this. That's it. Just get through this intact.
--Try to identify one thing that needs to change and one way to try to make this happen. It sounds as though more sleep is your one thing. Taking shifts might work, getting the twins on the same schedule might work (wake the second one up when one wakes up), maybe it's something else. Try some one thing, to solve the one biggest problem. If that one thing doesn't work after a couple of days, try something else.
--Get your husband on board with this. He may really not understand or know what is happening to you. Taking care of twins is a team sport.
--Use whatever crutches you can--swings, takeout food, whatever--to save time and get rest. It's OK. We co-slept with one of the girls for months, something I thought I'd never do. I work to avoid the things that are clearly unsafe, but other than that, they're all fair game. (By the way, we found that turning off the car would wake one from her travel-induced sleep. So, sometimes we'd just all stay in the idling car (outdoors, not in the garage). I care about the environment, but sleep was more important.)
--I nursed as much as I could, but we supplemented with formula starting the first week. I just couldn't deal with pumping after nursing, and nothing else was helping with milk supply. I did what I could.

I hope you're able to get some comfort and good ideas from the comments. Remember that this will pass. Now that my girls are 2 1/4, I understand this much better than I did when they were 4 months old. We're all pulling for you!

[Sylvie]

oh my god, stop pumping right now. now that my girls are 2 and 3, i just look at them and their friends running around and think, "who cares how many months each one of them was breastfed for, and how many bottles of formula each of them had, blah blah blah"--i am so TIRED of the pressure to make sure EVERY SINGLE DROP of food these kids get is from the breast. give yourself a break. you are doing so great, and your husband is not. he needs to pull himself together, yesterday. this is so hard, and we are all losing our minds every day. stop pumping, hit your husband over the head with a plank of wood, pour yourself a glass of wine and wait for it to be over. IT WILL END! i promise.

[Emily]

Ok - I'm admitting that I only skimmed the very helpful responses up there, so I may be repeating something I missed.

1st - kick your husband in the shins until he helps. He helped make them, he can help raise them.

2nd - try some massage. We took an infant massage class yesterday and just the basic gas/colic strokes were miraculous. They calmed babies who had woken up screaming and put our (thankfully not screaming at that moment) infant to sleep. Once you have that in your arsenal, everyone will be calmer. It can even help relax your toddler!

3rd - I agree that some sort of sleep training is needed. CIO = many hours of crying without seeing to their needs. Letting them be unhappy in a safe place for a few minutes so your head doesn't explode = better for everyone. Because if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Good luck! Lots and lots of sympathy and hugs here.

[B.A.]

I haven't read all the comments, but just wanted to say that I have SO been there. My DD was 2.5 yo when my twin boys were born, and yeah, it is just.so.hard. I had PPD with my first so I was already on anti-depressants and I still just felt like things were spiraling out of control. Please talk to your husband and tell him how desperate this feels to you. I am STILL (my boys are 2.5 now) resentful of my husband for how little he helped during that time and how oblivious he seemed to my depression. We are in counseling now...but anyway, just don't let that get more out of hand than it needs to.

And yes, keep breastfeeding, but don't worry about pumping for bottles. Some people just don't get as much pumping as the baby does from sucking, and seeing that tiny amount in the bottle will only make you feel worse. If you have a chance to sleep instead of pump, definitely sleep!!

Major ((hugs)). I promise it will get better.

Oh, BTW, is there a Mom of Multiples club in your area? There will be women there who will have been there, done that. You may not be able to go to meetings or anything yet, but it might give you someone to call and commiserate with. Check out http://nomotc.org/, the national site, to find a club in your area.

Also, for finding like minded moms, you might want to check out Twinstuff forums. I haven't been there in awhile but that's an idea.

Sorry if these things have been suggested already, I'm at work and don't have time to read all the way through.

Hugs and good luck!

[Emily]

Just another post here to let you know that you are doing an amazingly difficult thing. I, too, remember so vividly the breaking point with my first, where I was no longer myself and so depressed and something needed to happen so that I could get more than an hour of sleep at a time. We did CIO starting at 9 months, and it worked. It so worked. Within a week, she was sleeping from 8:00-3:00, whereas before that, she'd wake at 8:40, 10:30, 12:00, 1:30...you get the picture. It took a little while longer to get her all the way until an acceptable waking time in the morning, but boy howdy, what a difference getting that much sleep did for everyone.

I also don't have experience with multiples, but a friend of mine who had twins when her first was 3 years old said that having twins is a family emergency. I loved that, because I can only imagine that it's completely true! Maybe, if your situation is looked at in that light, asking for help might feel more like the norm and less like imposing on others.

Please take care of yourself! Big hugs to you.

[Cloud]

OK, I came back and read through the comments, and yeah- what they said. Your husband really does need to stop being useless with the kids. I read once that the first child turns the mom's world upside down, and the second child turns the dad's world upside down, because now mom can't do it all. Now in our family, the first child turned everyone's world upside down... but I still think it is a good point- one person just can't do it all with two kids, let alone three. I'll bet that your husband wants to help. He loves you, and doesn't want you to be miserable. But he probably feels way out of his league, especially if you've been doing most of the child care to date. Tell him that the kids will teach him what they need, and everyone sucks at it at first!

Second, it sounds like your babies are actually pretty good sleepers. If I read right, they are each up once/night to eat. In the midst of the hell that is 4 months old, that is GREAT. I say this not to say that you shouldn't be complaining- you should. You need to find a way to get more sleep. I say this to tell you that I suspect sleep training of some sort will probably work on your babies. Now, in the midst of what Moxie calls the 4 month sleep regression (and I call HELL) may not be the best time to do it, but a good time to try is right around the corner! Someone has already referred you to Isabel's website. May I recommend her book, Bedtiming? Or more specifically, the first part of her book, which is a handy little guide to when sleep training has the best chance of success. A good sleep training window opens up at about 5.5 months. In fact, she says this may be one of the BEST times to sleep train. If you're like me, just knowing that you have a plan will help you get through the dark days of the 4 month sleep hell. If you want to try sleep training now, go for it. But don't let the failure of sleep training add to your stress and feelings of mothering inadequacy. Just stop, and try again in another couple of weeks, when it will probably be easier.

Finally, I'll paraphrase what a wise woman once told me. She was talking about the cells in my experiment that kept failing, but I think it is just as apt for motherhood: It is not you. It is them.

By which I mean, you aren't failing as a mother. Your kids are just in really tough developmental times. It will get better.

Good luck. You are far from being a shitty mother.

[Cloud]

Oh, and I have to add, lest you think I actually have my shit together- I almost broke down crying in Babies'R'Us this weekend, because we had missed the stroller trade in promotion by one day.

Now, the $30 or so we would have saved on that Sit-and-Stand double stroller? No big deal for us right now.

I was really upset because my baby (almost 5 months old) hasn't been sleeping all that well and we had hosted a big play date on Saturday where my older daughter (almost 3 years old) was a bit um, challenging, and I just felt like a failure as a mom. So yeah, we've all been there. I submit that losing it in the middle of a baby superstore is truly classy. Way to scare the expecting parents!

Anyway, last night, my baby and my husband worked together to give me a solid 7 hours of sleep. Today, I feel like a supermom.