Bad decision genes

A couple of days ago, my younger one was complaining that his stomach hurt. We'd gone out for dinner, and he'd been unhappy that we were going, which is unusual. Once we got there he ate, but then when it was time for bed he started saying his tummy hurt.

There was a warning sound in my head, and yet, for some reason I heard myself saying, "Oh, you poor big guy. Do you want to sleep in my bed?"

He did (of course, because Mom's bed with Mom always makes you feel better when you're sick). But then, two hours later, I woke up as he was projectile vomiting all over me, the bed, the pillows, and the wall.

I'll spare you the details of the cleanup, as I know we've all been there.

Now why, when I knew exactly what was going to happen, did I still offer to let him sleep in my bed?

Today's discussion topic is twofold:

1) Have you ever done anything kid-related that you knew was a baaaaad idea at the time but you still did?

2) Will we (as humans and parents, specifically) ever stop being stupid? Why or why not?

Comments

[Julie]

All the time. Daily. I hear the voice in my head telling me not do do it (or to just go ahead and do it even as my mouth is saying no) and I ignore it. Why?

I think my nature is to always look for the short cut. Even though I know there are NO SHORTCUTS IN PARENTING (much like there is no crying in baseball). In fact, short cuts almost always lead to LONG CUTS.

Oh well. It could be worse. Sorry about your mess.

[Katherine]

1) Another stomach bug bad decision story here. My little girl had been throwing up and eating almost nothing for two days. Then suddenly she wanted goldfish crackers. We knew she wasn't over her stomach bug but we still let her eat all the goldfish she wanted. Two hours later we were cleaning neon orange vomit off of every surface in her room.

2) We will never stop making stupid decisions from time to time because there is always emotion that will override logic under certain conditions, especially where our kids are involved. I'm not sure it's really a bad thing especially when we err on the side of kindness.

[Charity]

I think that the desire to comfort winning, despite the trouble it may cause, is rarely a bad thing when it comes to parenting.

I think the best you could do in a situation like that would be to prepare for the inevitable -- make sure you have clean bedding available, a mattress pad on the bed, some sort of air freshener handy -- and then hope for the best.

[maria]

I agree with Charity, Moxie. I don't think you made a baaaaad decision. Let's face it, you would have been cleaning puke up from SOMEWHERE no matter what, right?

[Amoment2think.wordpress.com]

1) Yes. I do this all the time.... except usually I realize it is a bad idea about 2 minutes in, and then it is too late to turn back.

2) No, we will always do stupid things. It is the definition of being human. I think it is how we deal with our stupid things that count.

[mom2boys]

But was it a "bad" decision? Sure you could have made him sleep on the floor on a pallet of plastic bags but the short term clean up gain would come at what cost? Thinking that comforting the boy was more important to your subconscious decision maker than post-puke clean-up.
That said I make what feel like bad decisions all the time especially lately in the midst of handling temper tantrums or off the cuff scheduling/time management decisions. I really need more than 5 seconds of thought to get to a good outcome. Air traffic control is so not a career path for me.

[Kate]

I am on the side of was it a bad decision? Either way he would have vomited and either way you would have had to clean it up. But, this way he at least had mom with him.

[whoknows]

Last week on NPR, there was an interesting report about why we sometimes make bad decisions: http://tinyurl.com/yf65mvh

According to the report, if the rational "do the right thing" center of the brain is preoccupied with something as simple as remembering seven digits, it is extremely easy for the emotional center to take over and influence a decision.

I'm not sure if the information in the report applies in your case, Moxie, but it definitely explains why we as parents sometimes make bad decisions. We are holding/working on so much in our brains at any given moment, it is amazing that we make any good decisions at all!

[Elaine]

@ Julie - Amen on the shortcut thing. I have yet to get this through my exhausted-must-make-every-decision-on-the-fly head of mine.

[crescentgirl]

WOW you guys are helping me feel better for the first time in three days. I feel like I've been a major grump and truth is, we just had this stomach virus fly through our house, then a respiratory thing, and you know what? It just sucks. I wish I could see the bigger picture more often, but dangit, the little picture is where our lives, as moms, are spent!

So sorry, Moxie, for the bad night. It's super hard to be alone with a puking child. I hope it went quickly, that cleanup, and that you guys got some rest, that the virus doesn't spread more, that you find some peace ...

That hindsight thing is almost more a drag than a help, don't you think?

[Jessica Star]

Midnight on Saturday. My little guy is sick and he woke up coughing and couldn't stop. I was so tired. I let him watch cartoons in bed. WHAT A BAD IDEA! And I knew it when I did it. He was so wired afterward it only made him worse. It took a couple hours to get him back to sleep. Dumb dumb dumb.

Not only that, but I know this will come back to haunt me. He won't forget I let him do this once. ugh.

[caramama]

I agree with those who say it wasn't really a bad decision. It's what your kid needed, and you knew it cause you are a good mom. Maybe next time spread a big beach towel down first or something. Cause it's still not fun to have to get up and do a big clean up in the middle of the night.

1) As for bad decisions when parenting, I'm sure that I do them all the time. But what's the alternative? To be some "perfect" parent that always has the right answers and prevents all harms? Although this may sound counterintuitive, but my kids deserve better than that. My kids deserve parents who make mistakes and show how to handle those mistakes.

Like @hedra says, I am aiming for a good, solid B in parenting!

2) Nope. We will never stop being stupid. After all we are... wait for it... only human!

[bethp]

I think for every 'bad' decision I make - the ones where i know going in, but do it anyway, and don't trust my instincts, there are about 35 times when i do trust myself and do the right thing, even when it's hard.

On good days I can be kind to myself and remember this - and I always joke that these times that I don't listen to my gut are necessary, if painful - if only to confirm that I should listen to my cut.

[bethp]

uh, listen to my gut.

[hush]

Hmm.... I'm not on board with the phrase "being stupid" as it applies to this particular discussion of parenting choices. Moxie, you are not stupid. Nor was this a "bad" choice by any measure! It was a loving choice. Huge difference.

Here is a short list of various behaviors that I am confident in calling "being stupid" that I have seen people make lately: not making their kid wear a helmet while riding a bike, adding a puppy to the family when their marriage is on the rocks, moving in with the first person they dated a mere 3 months after their spouse suddenly left them, and driving drunk. (All of the above did not end well. Hello, Captain Obvious! ;) )

I think there is a vast difference between blatant ignorance (i.e. not examining any information at all and/or assuming it is not needed), and collecting information but then analyzing the information inaccurately which results in an undesirable outcome (i.e. "a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing")

Amen @caramama - We're only human. Some people just seem to have an amazing, finely attuned notion of common sense, and a "less is more" worldview that probably leads to them making better decisions on the whole than the rest of us. I'm unfortunately not one of those people. But luckily my BFF is, and so I hit her up for advice all the time. I think she was just born that way. She always does her homework, looks before she leaps, and gets it right - whether it is who she marries, what she wears, how she handles a work conflict, the house she buys; everything she touches turns to gold.

[eccentriclibertarian]

@caramama...love every word you wrote. Also @...Julie? Sorry, can't remember - about the No Shortcuts, and leading to Long Cuts.

Sometimes I'm more of the 'make the kid sleep on a tarp' sort of person, which I don't want to be - that side of my nature is hard to control. I owe a lot of my success in life to it, but it's not very nurturing. So, I'm all for the 'mistakes' which err on the side of love.

[anonymous for sure]

The worst decisions I've made have been the times I've smacked my kid, always at those end-of-the-rope, pressed-for-time, shrieky-shrieky moments. There haven't been many. But I'll be shamed by them forever.

[Cathy]

Sometimes the best you can do is know that a certain outcome is a possiblity and prepare for it - having new sets of sheets and PJs and washcloths ready, etc.

Also, I'd have been more hindsighting about dinner than about snuggling. :-) (as in...why didn't you tell me that your stomach was upset at dinner?)

Hopefully everyone was feeling better by the next morning.

[SarcastiCarrie]

I've made my kid sleep on a towel with towels for blankets, clutching a bucket...in my bed. You just do what you have to do. He needed me, and I needed sleep (and I did not need the extra laundry). I was also clutching a bucket so when teh finst signs of hurl came, I could be there ready.
We'll call this "Life Lessons Learned from Salmonella".

Literally, the dumbest dumb, dummie thing I think I have done as a parent was the time I let the baby play in the recycling bag. "Yay, empty yogurt containers, a cardboard box, a milk jug...the jagged lid from a can of veggies." Good times. Also, when I put a band aid on the inevitable cut, he ate it, and I had to fish the bloodied band aid out of his mouth while his finger continued to bleed. Bad Idea Jeans.

[heather]

Don't know how appropriate this is but I can't resist:
Why couldn't he have done that at dad's?

(Of course, then you sweep in, pick him up, and take care of him AFTER he's emptied his stomach...)

[Eveanyn]

I"d like to think that the warning bell you heard was your instincts telling you that he was THAT sick. If you hadn't let him into your bed, when would you have known he had thrown up so badly? When he puked in the hall running for you? What if he choked? What if his brother got sick from being near his sick and vomited too?

Look at the fact you only had to clean bedding and a wall instead of multiple sets of bedding, walls, carpet and anything else in the line of fire. ;)

Trying to be an optimist.

[Carmen]

So weird! I just had a similar vomiting episode just last night with my 2 year old! He had thrown up once but I laid down with him and the baby (to nurse the baby) and he puked all over us (not the baby luckily). I obviously knew we were in the throws of the stomach flu but still tempted fate and laid down with my boys! Hard to turn away a sick kid!

[Geek in Rome]

agree with all above. Not a bad decision to listen to your gut telling you he was really sick and not faking it.

But yes, it would have been more expedient to have prepared for projectile.

I learned the hard way to always have a pack of incontinence mattress protector pads in the house. I'll put one down and cover it with a towel with the kid on top. Then with each puke, peel off the towel, dump it in a bucket, lay down a new towel... pile of clean blankets is not too far away if the comforter gets nasty...

Luckily my son is really good at warning me he's going to puke and we have those kid beach buckets handy for the occasion!

[dina]

Feared the stomach bug was coming--everyone in the building has had it, so it was just a matter of time. Put mats down around S's bed. Left them there for two weeks. Came home saturday night to find she'd turned the other way, and vomited on the WALL.

[stillbecoming]

My British sister-in-law says that in the UK they call it the Winter Vomiting Virus--I just love that! It almost sounds like a holiday to me--Happy Winter Vomiting Virus, everyone! Gd bless us one and all! Makes me want to send out greeting cards.
Maybe I'm just dilirious from serial episodes of the above with my kids. Just before kid 1 started the vomiting, the cat got locked in the guest room and peed/pood on blankets, sheets, and kids clothes that I'm saving til they're bigger. Then the vomiting. Then almost caught up with laundry, then kid 2 got it. I guess it's not that unusual for there to be a WEEK incubation. Vomiting immediately followed by this cough-with-cold-and-fever that never seems to resolve. 7 loads of clean laundry piled in livingroom for weeks now, every blanket, towel, sheet, article of clothing is there. Now I know we could live in one room.

We did end up with vomit on bedding etc, despite toweling up the premesis, and both kids selected the same areas of carpet to hit. But I regret nothing.
Most of my bad decisions, per PPs are along the lines of --why oh why did I even engage in that debate with my toddler that led to a total melt-down?!? etc. And I think I keep doing it due to my inner child engaging with my actual child in areas where I need to work. This magnified by my general lack of rest and lack of help/respite. Sigh.

Happy WVV one and all. May vomiting anticipation and management decisions be the greatest regrets of your parenthood; could be WAY worse.

[stillbecoming]

Oh wait--I do regret 1 thing--and it falls under the category of "i know this is a bad idea, but I'm so desperate right now" or "if I can't survive this moment, making a better choice will be moot":
Letting my kid watch too much TV while sick. Horribly hard habit to break for him, and also me--who knew I could get so much done or so much rest out of 1/2 hour?

[parisienne mais presque]

In our house, those "us stupid!" moments start with one of the following:

1) "No, we don't need the diaper bag."

2) "Let's leave the stroller at home this time."

3) "Let's take the stroller with us this time."

4) "But I promised him he could play with that."

I'm starting to believe in a Bad Decision Paradox, where the very suspicion that it will end badly is what seals your fate. Part paranoia, part self-fulfilling prophecy, you know?

For instance, when I flew solo from Paris to Seattle with my two-year-old, I packed and repacked the perfectly optimized carry-on with everything I could possibly need, including two full changes of clothes for my son and one for me. But I left out a clean pair of socks for him. I remember looking at the socks and saying to myself, "Surely, that's one thing I won't possibly need..." with a nagging doubt in the back of my mind.

Sure enough, there was an epic diaper leak mid-flight that soaked everything, down to the socks, and the poor kid had to spend half the flight barefoot. Although it was a bit cold, it wasn't a big deal, but still. Ah, the ridiculousness of having both predicted and rejected the potential problem ahead of time!

[parisienne mais presque]

In our house, those "us stupid!" moments start with one of the following:

1) "No, we don't need the diaper bag."

2) "Let's leave the stroller at home this time."

3) "Let's take the stroller with us this time."

4) "But I promised him he could play with that."

I'm starting to believe in a Bad Decision Paradox, where the very suspicion that it will end badly is what seals your fate. Part paranoia, part self-fulfilling prophecy, you know?

For instance, when I flew solo from Paris to Seattle with my two-year-old, I packed and repacked the perfectly optimized carry-on with everything I could possibly need, including two full changes of clothes for my son and one for me. But I left out a clean pair of socks for him. I remember looking at the socks and saying to myself, "Surely, that's one thing I won't possibly need..." with a nagging doubt in the back of my mind.

Sure enough, there was an epic diaper leak mid-flight that soaked everything, down to the socks, and the poor kid had to spend half the flight barefoot. Although it was a bit cold, it wasn't a big deal, but still. Ah, the ridiculousness of having both predicted and rejected the potential problem ahead of time!

[Anonimizer]

Letting my 18 mth old climb on a chair so I can read Ask moxie - is that stupid or desperate?

[Kathy_B]

More times than I care to admit!

Here's just one:

Myy daughter, age 5 at the time, woke up and said "I have an itch."

I looked at it, and thought "OK, a bug bite
and sent her to school. Along about 10:00 or so, I got a call:

Secretary: Hi Kathy -- has Abby ever had Chicken pox?

Me: No

Secretary: Well, she does now!!

Yeah, stellar parenting at its best. We don't have pets, so there could be no fleas, it wasn't summer, so most likely no bug bite. But I so wanted it NOT to be Chicken Pox that I sent her to school anyway!

There were more, I'm sure, but time has erased those memories!

[Leslie]

Hmmm.... Like this? "here, I'll reach out and CATCH your throw up, instead of getting a towel or just getting out of the way".

Yup, I make WAY too many decisions based on keeping the peace in the moment. Most of those are the bite-me-later-in-the-ass kind.

Sheesh.

[Jenny]

I once took my twin girls to a big adoption party when they were almost 2.5 years old without my husband, and we knew like 2 people. At this point I Had never taken them alone anywhere that involved more than a few people. But the party was 2 blocks from my house so I went for it.

It was 4 flights of stairs, no elevator or room for the stroller to go down, the girls couldn't do the stairs on their own. It was dinner time, no snack or milk(what was I thinking?). And by the time dinner rolled around there were 80 people ahead of us for crappy pot luck. The girls spilled their water all over themselves and then LOST it, leaving a room of 80 people staring at me as I was sweating buckets, carrying two screaming/kicking children. We walked home them screaming and me crying.

We ate olives and toast for dinner and called Conor screaming about his traveling and went to bed early. I have never and will I ever again take them to a unknown party by myself.
Conor was away, I had no dinner prepared and well..yeah, a perfect storm.

[the milliner]

I'm with @Katherine regarding emotion overriding logic when the 'bad' decisions happen.

Lack of sleep also overrides logic for me, and thus, bad decisions. As in 'I'll take 2 minutes of peace/easy way out even if I know this will bite me in the ass and I'll spend 10x as long dealing with his issue because the shortcut is a bad idea'. But sometimes those 2 minutes of peace/easy way out are sooooo necessary. And when you're sleep deprived it's hard to keep the long view in mind.

@SarcastiCarrie, " "Life Lessons Learned from Salmonella" Heh.

@Parisienne mais presque, Oh yeah. #1-4. That's us. As well as:
#5 Nah, we don't need the carrier, and the all time favorite
#6 Yeah, I think we can get out of the house, do our errand, and get back in time for his nap so he won't fall asleep in the car, thereby obliterating any chance of him actually napping.

[Kate]

The bad parenting decision that I make over and over again is threatening to take away TV in the evenings (I often let them watch 30 min so I can handle dinner for them without constant pestering)....and then the behavior doesn't improve and voila! I am left with cranky child/ren and no tv/dinner buffer.

You'd think I would have learned after the first 5,000 times, but apparently I am really slow on the uptake.

I don't know that I will ever stop being stupid, but I certainly don't have as much stupid pride. I have been home with a feverish 3yo for days and days and days. I made him pancakes yesterday for lunch because he said he would eat them (he did).

But I ran out of milk, and I had promised my daughter I would make French Toast for dinner. She is not one who likes changes to The Plan. So I put out the call to some local friends and two of them brought me milk so I could save the day. I would have done the same for them in a reverse situation, but it took me years to feel like I am not the weakest link. This kind of stuff happens to everyone when you are trying to be everything to everyone.

[Slim]

Today's wake-up service was performed by a child with a nosebleed. He did it in person, trailing through our newly redecorated (OK, decorated for the first time, because before, we just had stuff around without any design behind it) bedroom.

Blood is hard to remove but at least owner of the nose isn't sick.

[Olivia]

My first is only 10 months old, and I left her sitting up at 6 months, when I knew she was still unstable and would fall. She did, of course. Then there was the time I tried clipping her nails as she tried to wiggle away. I should have let it go and tried another time, but "it would only take a minute!" I nicked her finger and it bled. Not the most stellar parenting there.

[Judy B]

We had a dinner date turn into a fiasco that involved a 90 minute wait, and a tug of war with Grammy over taking E home. Looking back I should have been a better advocate for my son and rearranged plans, rather than trying to make everyone else happy. I'm a libra, I can be like that, or blame it on my genes.

[elizabeth]

I agree with others in that you weren't being stupid caring for your little guy, I think its something I'd do myself. This was very timely and I have a lot to think about as I had the stomach flu yesterday and am waiting for my guy to come down with it. We're still nursing so I'm hopeful he'll skip it but I have the extra sheets, towels, bowls ready!
Fingers crossed! I hope you don't get it Moxie!!

[crescentgirl]

I'm loving the Bad Decision Paradox idea! I'm blaming that next time!

[songbird]

Olivia, you're doing great. I've done both of those with my 8 month old, plus dropping a phone on his head when he was 3 weeks old, accidentally hitting his head on a wooden railing yesterday, and probably countless other minor injuries to him that I don't even remember because they have all blurred together. After a while you just roll with it.

[Tonina]

@Parisienne and Milliner, I'm with you on your lists! I have a couple of additions to round out my household's list:

#7 Never leave the house without checking the diaper bag for a sizable supply of plastic bags to tie up blown-out diapers.

#8 Never feed toddler/preschooler a lunch of pasta and applesauce and then immediately afterward drive three and a half hours to a household with 15 dogs, some of which are huge. Failure to observe this rule will result in toddler/preschooler vomiting all over himself, his car seat, and the car from a combination of travel sickness and fear.

I find myself making stupid parenting decisions all the time. My son apparently overheard me say "Cut out the crap!" to my husband in the midst of an argument (my husband and I were in a different room). I know this because a couple of days ago I was absolutely horrified to hear the same words come out of my son's mouth in reference to himself when I was getting after him for being a bit of a terror. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I have such a quick temper that it's basically impossible for me to put a 24/7 guard on my mouth, but I'm going to try even harder now.

[stillbecoming]

@Tonina--OMG, that's one of my worst flaws as a mom--sailor mouth when really peeved. Fortunately (?) crap is the worst word DS has picked up, which he uses in casual self-talk during play. Argh!!!
And @Olivia. . .just after having DD, I tripped in a war memorial, and gently "set" my daughter aside during the fall. Her head hit the marble monument, and she lay like a little broken doll on the cobblestones. An ambulance ride and many tears later--she was 100% fine, and I was a mess and bleeding, but didn't realize it. You are doing GREAT. Gd made them tough, b/c he knew we'd be so tired and wonky! :)

[Jac]

Ooh - the bad language is a big issue around our house at the moment (not because of me - his dad has a major potty mouth). Two year-old DS has taken to saying "what the F*** is happening?" whenever he's not sure what's going on or where we are going. I admit, it was hard not to laugh the first time, but now it is MORTIFYING. We tried teaching him that only daddy talks like that, but then he started walking around saying "Daddy says f***!". So now, we are deliberately mishearing him and pretending that he is saying heck. Oh, and trying to curb daddy's language as well.

Not exactly a bad parenting decision, but I did mention this to DH a few months back (before DS was talking too much), and I wish I had pressed the point more firmly.

[Tonina]

@stillbecoming and Jac: I sometimes think sailor talk should be listed as one of the most addictive behaviors on earth, like smoking. It's definitely proved to be a hard habit to break!

The part that made me feel the worst is that I have NEVER used that word to or around my son, to my knowledge. I've worked hard to curb my tongue, pretty successfully, whenever he is around. But to know that he was a couple of rooms away and overheard me - now I'm constantly nervous, no matter where I am or what time of day or night, that I'm going to slip and say something awful that he'll repeat. And that he applied it to his own behavior when I was correcting him for being rude - oh, I just felt like a smushed little worm when he said it!

[hedra]

Yes, definitely have.

We use the towels. They don't always work.

More later, life is crazy busy. Good but busy.

[hedra]

The bad decisions I make are often matters of conflict between two good things. Choosing between two good things is always the hardest - make one person happy or another happy? I also make bad decisions when I'm under time pressure (often). Combine those? Fail time! Will time pressure or the choice between two good things ever stop? Nope. I do work on pushing back a little more on the time pressure to give myself room to think (a few seconds is really all it takes most of the time). But being mindful enough under time pressure to notice that I'm under time pressure... eh, not always so good at that.

[Jack]

Waking up to projectile vomiting- I hate to admit that I have a college story that touches upon this.

The kid version is far more heartwarming and much easier to laugh off.

[MommyDiva]

Moxie, honey, you were simply following the path of least resistance...something every parent does many times a day! At bedtime MAMA is tired...MAMA is drained...you wonder about the tummy but deep in the bedrock of your soul you just want to go to BED! And, is that soooo bad? of course not--I say you did the RIGHT thing. I mean, he was gonna end up in your bed anyway....
Come visit us!!!

[janisfan]

I always have my dd sleep with me when she has a tummy bug because I am so nervous that she will vomit and then choke to death and I won't hear her. I cover every surface with towels and keep the bucket at the ready. Sometimes we sleep together on the couch.

THE WORST day ever in my entire parenting career of 4.5 years? The time when all 3 of us had the stomach bug at the same time, Sadie threw up not only in my bed but in my mouth. My husband held the bucket while the both of us puked in unison. Not a talent we want to perfect lol.

[Wilhelmina]

Winter Vomiting Disease does sound comical. More usually it's the Winter Vomiting Bug in the UK. Officially it's the norovirus. The UK has two peaks of it a year, and the winter one this year is really nasty and causing big problems for the health service.In the US I think it's Stomach Flu to everyone?

By any name it's horrid although usually over in a few days. Hospital wards have to close as patients and staff get it, so non-emergency operations, like hip-replacements get cancelled and postponed until the hospital gets the all clear.Which takes a while, as the ward has to empty, be deep-cleaned before normality returns.

It's very widespread this year and will get worse before cases fall again.

I also don't think it was a stupid decision, Moxie. Mothers are human and need sleep.

I'm alone with the two year old with sleep issues this week, and we have no vomiting bug, but neither of us is getting any rest, and it's the path of least resistance I'm following. Doing the best I can, which isn't much.

Mama wants Bed here. (Alone, with plumped pillows in a darkened, quiet room.) And it's still morning.