Q&A: newborns sleeping on people

And now for an oldie but a goodie, one more time. Ben asks:

"My son is almost 12 weeks old, and everything's great, except he still will only really sleep well on one of us. Forget getting him to fall asleep on his own in a crib. And if he falls asleep on one of us and we try to transfer him to the crib, he wakes up 10 minutes later.

I know this is all normal, and will pass, so we're not worried about it longterm. I'm just wondering if anyone whose baby did that remembers when it ends."

I do not. Which is good news. My younger one liked to sleep on his own a lot more from the get-go (and cried himself to sleep), and my older one would only sleep on someone else for awhile (and could not be allowed to cry or it was hideous).

But I have no recollection of when the older one stopped sleeping on people. (Which is a good thing, isn't it? Obviously none of us was too scarred by it, and it just resolved itself.) I could take a guess and say maybe around 4-5 months, which is when many babies start to take actual, real, more-than-20-minutes naps, too.

Before I ask for your data points if you remember them, I just want to say one more time that babies sleep differently from each other, the way adults sleep differently from each other. So pay attention to what your kid does and needs, and if it's not what the book you read is telling you, read another book (or 3 or 4). And what happens at 3 weeks/3 months/9 months/15 months/2 years/3 years does not determine your child's sleeping fate forever.

Now--when did your child stop sleeping only/better on top of a person, and start sleeping aloneish?

Comments

[Summer Frace]

Erm... I hate to be the first comment with this, but uh, she's 18 months and still won't sleep alone!

Honestly? I don't mind. I like having a couple hours of downtime during the day to read and relax. In the evening, she will sleep on her own for about an hour before my husband and I go to bed. At night we co-sleep and that works for us.

[Kate]

My advice is to try to lie her down alone every 2 weeks or so. It's been my experience that babies change the way they sleep every couple of weeks or so. My little one is 9 months old, and she's always been able to sleep in her crib in some fashion. But at first we had to rock her and hold her until she was solidly asleep before we could lie her down. Sometimes she would wake up and we'd have to rinse and repeat.

Then, around 7 months, we let her do a modified cry it out, which worked amazingly for her night time sleep, and now we can lie her down and she goes to sleep on her own. I would like to say though, that we tried this modified cry it out earlier, at 5 months, and it was a DISASTER. It was too early for her, and so we waited, and eventually she was ready. It's just another lesson we learned that we can't make her do anything. Everything will come with time.

My whole point with this is keep trying different things, something will work!! And once you find what works for your child, BE CONSISTANT. Best of luck. You are the best parent for your child, and they'll let you know what they need, one way or another.

[Kathleen]

Here the best advice I can muster on baby sleep (my daughter is almost 10 months old). Not exactly answering your question... but I hope it will help.

1) It changes all the time. I agree with Kate (above), about every 2 weeks for the first couple months and then about every month or so after that. Sometimes it changes for the better, sometime for the worse.

2) Every baby is different. I could tell you what we did with our baby, but I could almost guarantee our daughters pattern of sleep development will different from your sons.

3) Because you are trying to hit a moving target, don't worry too much about forming bad habits before at least 6 months... they change too much for any 'habit' to stick.

4) Follow your baby's lead. If something stops working, trying a change that would be for the better for everyone. We made changes when it felt like the right time (ie: stop rocking, sleeping her own crib/room at night, setting up a more regular naps and bedtimes, ect.)

5) Put your babies sleep ahead of your own social life. We almost never went out in the evening past about 3 months, and kept the evenings really quiet and mellow to encourage her to sleep in the dreaded 6pm-11pm window where babies are so cranky.

Good luck!!

[Olivia]

Mine is 9 months and will take naps alone, but usually needs someone to lay with her to fall asleep. Although, she often falls asleep while nursing or being carried in the sling and I don't try to move her. Like the first commenter, I kinda like the down time. "Erm, sorry can't move now. I'm holding a sweet baby!"

At night she won't sleep alone, but we bedshare so I don't think that applies to this question.

[MLB]

We had this issue to some extent with all three and the thing that does help is swaddling. Babies like being on their tummies but you can't put them down like that in the cribs, so swaddle to deal with the startle reflex, etc. You can swaddle, get them to sleep on you, and then transfer to the crib. Raising the crib mattress slightly can also help with the transition from person to crib. And soon the baby will be able to sleep on their tummy and all will be good. You can really encourage tummy time during the day so that they get stronger and rolling over faster. Good luck!

[Olivia]

-should read all comments before posting-

@Kathleen, so true that all babies are different! On point #5, we do go out to social events at any time of the day and (so far) our baby will sleep anywear as long as put her in the sling. So if she needs a nap, no big deal :)

To expound on this point further, it is my desire to encourage my children to be able to sleep anytime, anywhere. I don't want them to have trouble falling asleep when we travel, etc.

[Molly]

My first seemed to transition when he was rolling over well enough that he could flip to his belly to sleep (and was strong enough that our pediatrician felt we could leave him on his belly). Maybe around five months?

[G'smum]

I agree with Olivia and the first commenter - I like the downtime and I think holding/rocking/walking/cuddling my daughter to sleep has contributed to a better sense of well being in our house than fighting a baby's need for comfort and reassurance.

My daughter is 3 and a half months corrected age and she loves to falls asleep with me, either nursing or walking around the house. We have learned from her that trying to force her to fall asleep independently is just too much for her. It is very stressful being a baby, especially a pre-term baby - just imagine all the scary stuff, like noises, lights and smells from their perspective - and so I try to make it a little easier on her by keeping the atmosphere calm in the evenings and around "nap time" and by giving her the comfort of being held.

By the way, my daughter's little schedule has become surprisingly regular despite no intervention on our part (except growth spurts, during which all bets are off) - midnight to 7:30 asleep in her crib, then a nap from 9-10, and then a nap from 12 -1 and another one some time in the afternoon, followed by a long wakeful and sometimes cranky period from 6-12 with one short catnap on my lap during that time. Most naps are also in her crib, after falling asleep on me.

Of course, I am supposed to be heading out the door to an infant massage class right now but she is asleep an hour later than usual so I guess we will miss the class. So much for regular! A bit frustrating but oh well, there will be another class next week.

Holding her and reading Twilight while ignoring the nagging voices demanding I do laundry has done wonders for my enjoyment of motherhood. Seriously, once I let go of the awful stress associated with needing to "get something done" and "getting the baby to sleep on her own! why can't she grow up already!" I felt so much much much better about being a full time parent. I am getting something done - I am feeding and nurturing my baby and that is all that matters right now. I don't know when she will stop needing to be held to fall asleep, but I suspect I will miss it when she does.

[Carrie]

Nine months. But I don't know how much of that was my own fault for letting him do it. It just felt so unmanageable at the time. He has always been really cuddly and social and I think that was a part of it. He had major sleep issues. The good news--as soon as he turned three he started sleeping 12 hours all the way through the night and was completely night potty trained. Even now at 4 1/2 he's more likely to have an accident during the day than at night *knock on wood*.

[SarcastiCarrie]

Oh yes, I didn't have a kid who *had* to have me hold him while sleeping, but somewhere in there he could no longer be held and sleep (which I used to use to get a nap away from home). He can't sleep on me anymore.

But somewhere before 5 months, it will probably get easier, and you can try all kinds of things to make it easier in the meantime (slings, car seat, swaddle, amby baby hammock, rolled up receiving blankets, books, comfy pillows, DVD shows to pass the time, etc). It will pass in a blink, and you'll have all these great coping mechanisms and then, poof, you won't be needed any more. Progress.

[anontoday, too]

I saw in a catalog one of those heartbeat-sound stuffed animals right after my first stopped sleeping on me for naps. I think it would've been great to try. (My second was so unpredictable about sleeping--not sleeping, with/without people, needing to cry, crying making it worse, movement bad, movement good, noise bad/good, you name it--that it seemed like it would just be another 25 bucks down the drain. With her, the pouch-sling was the best investment we made. She's still got my bad sleep patterns--thanks, genetics!) Good luck!

[sara]

mine napped exclusively on me until he was 5 or 6 months old, but started sleeping in his crib at night long before that. Go figure.

[Regina W]

When she was newly born, my daughter would only sleep on my chest. When she began to get a bit heavy for me to sleep at night with her there (at 14ish weeks, I think), I began to work on moving her to sleeping with her head on my shoulder, then her sleeping next to me, then her sleeping near me, but not touching me. She moved into her crib when she was 6ish months old. She still needs to sleep with us, sometimes with her head on my chest, when she's in pain from teething or just not feeling good, but otherwise it was a smooth, though long, process to get her into her crib by herself.

[Bella]

One of my twin boys napped exclusively in my (or someone else's) arms until 6 months. Slings and wrapped around neck also worked. (His brother could sleep anywhere... go figure).

[Liz]

This is why I'm glad I blogged through this process. Our sleep journey has involved everything from swaddles to sleep positioners; slings to swings; excercise balls to rocking chairs; and fuzzy radio stations to celtic meditation music.

Yes, it is a moving target; yes, you can spend yourself crazy or read every book you can find and still not have the right answer for your baby on that particular night or that particular nap window.

Perhaps the wisest words I ever wrote:

"Maybe this is a growth spurt. Maybe we should try the swing in the early morning hours. Maybe I should just bring him to bed with me after he wakes up the first time, so we can nurse and sleep together for the next few hours. Maybe a sleep sack might work.

"Maybe I'm desperate for answers that just don't exist."

But my little guy is 5.5 months old, and he's been doing good 10-hour stretches at night for a week or so. He has napped in his swing since about two months, and we're just starting to try the crib for naps. That is, when he's not at the sitters' completely refusing any naps at all. :)

[Rachel]

oh Moxie! I was JUST blubbering about this to my mom's group. Again you have amazing timing. Though the thing is, my baby is 16 months! She'll sleep on her own for her dad, but when its me putting her to sleep I can't transfer her without her waking up crying instantly.

[JCF]

My daughter (2nd child) has always been willing to sleep in a crib/Moses basket on her own, but my son wanted to be held a lot and was very wakeful for the first 4.5 months or so. Both kids' sleep improved dramatically once they were able to roll over and then they became tummy sleepers. So around 4.5-5 months, things got much, much easier in our household!

[Erin]

I know this sounds sick or crazy but I kinda miss those sweet days of him sleeping on me! He was sick recently and I got to spend a lot of time with him in my arms again; it felt so nice (exhausting, though, too!).

He never had the trouble the OP mentioned, but we did always swaddle him (he slept in a co-sleeper in his earliest months, so right next to me, but not cuddled against me). We had so much trouble breaking him of being swaddled (but it became a safety issue, because he was strong enough to break the swaddle, but the blanket would end up over his face sometimes).

And word to JCF - I feel like all my baby wanted was to be on his tummy. I believe in the back-is-best campaign but it's kind of ironic that what helps protect them from SIDS is the same thing that keeps them from sleeping well (though I guess this makes sense in a way). My moms always bragged about how we slept through the night at 6 weeks and 10 days respectively, but I'm convinced it's because we slept on our tummies.

[Cloud]

Hmmm. My first still needs to be kept company to fall asleep- she's two and a half. However, as many of the previous posters say, I've learned to see the positive in that. When she was a baby, she needed a lot of work to get her to sleep- rocking/bouncing/walking/whatever. She woke up a lot at night and couldn't self-soothe (I'm happy to say that at least she's sorted that out. She doesn't need me in the middle of the night very often anymore). That got better at about 10 months, and sometime around then we dropped down to only 1-2 wake ups with a fairly easy nurse back to sleep routine. She started sleeping through the night when she was two and moved to her big girl bed. I'm not sure if those two things were related, or just coincident.

One thing we noticed was that sometimes, when she was "adding hours" to her sleep schedule, she needed our help with that transition. As a newborn, she started her day at 4:30 a.m. She was wide awake and wanted to play! At some point, that moved to 5:30 and then to 6:30, which is roughly where it stayed. Each time, there was a few weeks during which she could only get through that last bit of sleep if she was held. Each time, she started sleeping through that last wake up on her own. I think the last of these happened at about 10 months old, but I can't remember.

Now, with my second (currently 3 months old)- she goes down for the night awake and seems to prefer that. She has already had a couple of periods during which she slept through the entire night. She's currently waking up once and needing to finish her last bit of sleep (from about 2 a.m. to 5 a.m.) being held. I'm hoping that this is just a transition period, similar to what her big sister went through!

She also prefers to take a big nap in the middle of the day, and wants to be held for that nap. If we put her down, she wakes up and before too long starts her "Help! I'm tired but I can't fall asleep!" whine to fuss to meltdown process. On my days home with her, I watch a lot of TV between 1 and 4. She sleeps, nurses, then sleeps some more. My husband reports something similar on his days at home. We're hoping this changes before she starts day care in a couple of months. But we also know (from experience with baby #1) that it will be OK if it doesn't. Day care changes everything, anyway.

My best advice? Try not to stress about it. Sure, try things to improve the situation, but don't feel like you're messing things up or that any of your sleep issues are your fault. Once I got to that point, even the crappiest sleep nights were easier to deal with.

[Ms. Missteps]

My little goose couldn't handle a proper daytime nap until 7 months old (at least!). She's always been decent at sleeping alone at night, although whether or not she sleeps *through* the night is a whole other bag. We’re going through a thing where she wants to get in our bed if she wakes up in the middle of the night. It's been an issue since the one time we invited her into our bed after three hours of not returning to sleep. DUH. Silly parents.

[Shalini]

When my 2nd daughter was born this past July.. she weighed about 5lbs 7 ounces... she was tiny.. and I guess was cold alot.. so she slept with me for about the first month... the thing that worked for US was... swaddling her with one of those wraps.. but this one has velcro.. it's Kiddopotamus brand (at walmart, target, babiesrus).. and she sleeps 7-8 hours, wakes up for a feeds, and then is down another few hours... so almost thru the night... but again it may or may not work.. every baby is different...

Also for naps... now that she's almost 6 months old.. I get her up, and then she's up for at least 3-4 hours straight, no naps etc.. and then a 2 hour nap.. and then up again for another 3-4 hours straight, then bath, and feeding, and then maybe 30 min or so.. then wrapped and bed.. the wrap works well for us for naps...

Good luck... they won't go to college taking naps on mom and dad... don't worry :)

[Karen]

Evie slept on her own at night most of the time (partly thanks to swaddling) but only napped in arms or in the swing until she was about 4 months old.

[Amy]

My daughter slept in my arms for the first few weeks then she graduated to the swing with a swaddle. She eventually made it to her crib... about 6-7 months total.

[KC]

My daughter slept best on me from birth until she was about five months old. From three until five months she would ONLY have naps while sleeping on me, but every once in a while I'd *try* putting her in her crib, and at about 6 months, it worked again and she started sleeping in her crib for her entire naps. I think it's important to understand that things change *all the time* and what didn't work a few weeks ago might be worth trying again. So you should never be too discouraged (or too sure that you've got a problem licked either!)

[Tonina]

My now 4YO son was always a very light sleeper, which was a nightmare during his infancy because we lived in a house that was the size of a postage stamp. He slept in a bassinet next to me to begin with, but slept decently (though lightly) fairly early on, so we switched him to his crib at around two months. The best thing that ever happened to all of us was when I bought a swaddle a few weeks before he was born. That worked like a charm for a long time.

However, he always did like to sleep on top of someone, and it actually became more pronounced as he grew and the swaddle became less effective. By the time he was seven months old, the swaddle didn't hold him as snuggled in as he apparently liked. It used to take me wrapping him in a swaddle and then rocking him to sleep for the better part of an hour to get him to fall asleep. Then I would try to transfer him to his crib (and this was July, mind you, so no issue of cold sheets in our non-air-conditioned house!) and he would wake up the minute he touched the mattress roughly eight out of every 10 times. It was awful. After trying a lot of different options, we had to let him cry for a few nights (the first night he cried for FOUR HOURS and I felt like the worst parent ever to walk God's green earth); however, after that fourth night, he figured out how to get himself to sleep and he's been sleeping well, if still lightly, ever since then.

[Susan]

My daughter is 7 and a half (years, not months) and still falls asleep better on a person than by herself--and in fact, she can't put herself to sleep at all. When she was 15 months-ish, she had a period where she could fall asleep herself for mid-day naps, but never at night in the dark. And I don't mind--bedtime is a sweet cuddly time, and she falls asleep very quickly (usually within 10 minutes). Eventually, she'll fall asleep on her own; she's quite independent in all kinds of ways. But the sleep stuff...just not there yet. And that's OK (for us, anyway).

[Trope]

This sounds awful, but I never transitioned my son out of sleeping on me, and left daycare to do it instead. He started daycare at 3 months, and spent about four weeks having to sleep in someone's arms until they gradually worked him out of it. So, 16? 17? 18 weeks? Thereabouts.

[Henry's mommy]

Ben - we were you! For the first six weeks of my son's life, he would NOT sleep if he was not being held. Like your child, if we put him down asleep, within 10 minutes, he would realize that he'd been the victim of a bai-and-switch and wail. At 6 weeks, both my older sister (with 2 kids of her own) and pediatrician (also with 2 kids of her own) told me that this wasn't normal/okay and that it wasn't going to magically change on it's own. We started putting him down at night, dry, full, and burped, ... and letting him wail for 10-20 minutes at a time. He learned to sleep on his own. A little after 4 months (and 16 pounds), we took the advice from "new basics" and trained him to sleep from ~8 to ~6. We also stopped swaddling at this point so he'd have his fingers to suck - and beause he was outgrowig even the large sized swaddler. Got MUCH easier after 5 month intro of rice cereal at bed time (2tbls of rice with 2tbls of bm =magic). Don't mean to make this sound easy or formulaic. It isn't, and it's incredibly painful in the process, but I do believe that he's a happier baby now that he routinely gets his sleep. Naps happened on their own, gets 2 or 3 for total of ~3+ hours. He falls asleep in arms and naps in swing. When we travel, all bets are off. Hope this is helpful. Henry's mommy.

[thebigmeow]

Bug just turned 1 and we still cuddle him to sleep. He has a soft larynx and I suspect has sleep apnea. He has never been able to sleep on his back. He quite regularly cries during the night because I think he rolls onto his back in his sleep.

I think he sleeps better being held because he is on his tummy and he is slightly elevated. Not to mention it's warm, smells nice, and has a soothing heart beat...

[Shandra]

One of the best bits of babies is their little heads in the crook of your neck. Except when that's all they want at night. :)

Anyways more data - my son slept on us for the first 2-3 months, if he was to sleep at all. We transitioned him into a carseat (not great but we were desperate), basket (he needed to hit "side" when he flailed out) and then a laundry basket and then a co-sleeper. None of these really worked. We used the Ergo for naps and bedtime. We developed serious thigh muscles from walking him around.

I don't remember all the timing of it, but I do remember that it improved for a while and then around 8 months he went through a phase where he wouldn't be put down after he was asleep and he slept on me again for about 6 weeks.

This is how dumb I was: I was still scared of co-sleeping AND we didn't buy a recliner so I sat up and rocked him until the night I was so tired I fell asleep and almost dropped him (nothing like your forebrain waking up as your hindbrain CATCHES the baby).

After fighting it through for the crib for another 3 months, including some CIO failures (my son would get hysterical quickly and stay there) at a year my husband called enough and brought him into our bed.

He slept magnificently and has since. We night weaned later, so he did wake up for the occasional short nurse, but that was IT. He SLEPT.

At 4, he sleeps in his own bed some of the time but mostly with us. We've set a limit of 6 for the end of cosleeping but...at this point, I like it.

On the other hand, I helped with my niece early in her little life and with her you would swaddle her...lie her down...and she would go to sleep. Just like that. She mostly still does. If I had had her, I would be SO smug. :)

I called my husband to say we should have done that and he just laughed hysterically and said I clearly didn't remember but we TRIED, LOTS.

Anyways, it is hard and tiring but I pretty much guarantee a) it will change and b) at 19 your son will not be sleeping on you.

The trick in hindsight is to try, try, try to maximize YOUR sleep. Get people to take the baby in the stroller so you can sleep. Let some dust bunnies go. This too shall pass.

[Jen]

My son is 2 1/2 years old and still prefers to sleep on me if I'd let him. And he still doesn't sleep through the night. If he wakes up and we aren't there, he comes to find us and sleep as close to one of us as possible. He's just a cuddly-sleeping kid. And I am the exact opposite. It's been rough ...

[elizabeth]

I will admit I read them all, sleep books I mean. I scoured Moxie's archives looking for a baby whose sleep patterns were like my boys. I figured out early on that he had a hard time going back to sleep after the first sleep cycle so for months it was either sleep on us in a moby wrap or he'd have 4/5 45 minute naps that last till he was about 7 mths old then he started to sleep on his belly and some naps he'd make to an 60 minutes, 90 minutes now at 15 mths he naps for 90-120 minutes for one nap per day. We did formal sleep training at 10 mths (leave and check) I don't know if I truly believe in sleep training especially still nursing at night because we can't be absolutely consistent anyway I'm getting off topic!! Its easy, as I am easily distracted and can talk about sleep issue till I put all the adults in the room asleep.
OP we used the bouncer to transition him from us, we could lay him in there and then slowly rock him for a minute and then leave the room. For naps we got 45 min. per usual but nights I'd get several hours, you can belt them in and we put it in the crib. We transited him out of the bouncer around 4 mths, it was also a deep bouncer so I never worried about him sliding out.
That's our story.

[Mer]

My daughter napped on me throughout the majority of my maternity leave. She was EBF until just before I went back to work at 16 weeks. I think it was partly the BFing schedule - 30 mins of nursing, 30 mins of cuteness and cooing, 30 mins of cranky fussing, 30 mins of napping. Rinse and repeat. I started to put her in the bouncey seat for a morning nap so that I could get a shower and fold a basket of laundry. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. In the afternoons, she maybe napped in her stroller during a walk. But for the most part, I held her ALL.DAY.LONG. And I not-so-secretly loved every second of it. Like @G's Mum - I read the entire Twilght series guilt free, I re-read several old guilty pleasure novels, I watched TV, I don't know. I look back at those four months, and while it felt so long while it was happening, I barely remember the ins and outs of every day.
We started focusing on sleep after 4 months and worked on nighttime sleep first - swaddle, sleep positioner, dim lights, rocking. Naps came later - maybe around 7 or 8 months? I read a lot of Moxie during pregnancy and chanted many, many verses of "By any means possible" and "This too shall pass" and "In two weeks, it will all be different". And somehow, we're all still standing. Hopefully you find your secret for your baby by trying out someone else's strategy. Maybe it will work, for now.

[Steph]

My daughter has always been pretty easy and independent with her sleep. So we've been lucky.

She's 10 months old now and even when she's ready for bed and I try to give her a sleepy cuddle, she squirms until I put her down in her cot. If she's not sleeping she's moving!

I wanted to point out for those of you, like me, who are really concerned with following the SIDS recommendations about how a baby sleeps, having the baby sleep on your chest while you are lying down, or even somewhat reclined, is still considered as the baby sleeping on her belly.

For some of you this isn't a worry. For me, I was perhaps too concerned... But knowing I was following safety recommendations to the letter made me feel better. I didn't realise that this kind of sleeping was still considered sleeping on the belly, and as I never put my daughter down to sleep on her belly in her cot I stopped letting her sleep like that for more than a short nap.

Just sharing the information that I was glad to have.

[Erika]

My daughter needed to sleep either next to me or on top of me for the first three months. She'd sleep next to me in the bed so I could easily feed her at night, and she napped on my lap for her daytime naps and I would watch various TV series from start to end on my iPod. :)

At six months, she started sleeping in her crib - that's also when she night weaned.

At 12 months, she started napping in her crib, too.

Now that she's 3 and doesn't nap AT ALL, I so long for those days where we just sat in the rocking chair in silence. At the time I felt trapped. Now I just miss the down-time.

[Kathleen]

@Olivia That is a good point- I can see the advantage to teaching your kids to be able to sleep anywhere. We have a baby that sleeps great at home- but traveling is a nightmare. So, to each their own.

[Mary]

My baby is three now and I don't remember when he stopped needing to sleep on me. I would give anything to rock him to sleep one more time. Sigh. He prefers to go to sleep by himself now.

[Andrea]

I politely disagree with the comment saying that it's not normal or ok for a baby to only want to sleep on or right next to someone for a long while. As many of the other comments show, it's definitely normal, if by that you mean very common. And ok - well, I guess that is your own judgment to make. But it certainly is not unusual.

My son only would sleep on someone or cuddled up next to me for about the first 4 months. Sometimes he would sleep in a side-to-side swing, but that wasn't guaranteed. Around 4.5 months, when I was close to going back to work, we started trying to get him in his crib for at least part of the night. We'd wait until he was fully asleep, then put him down carefully.

By 5.5 months, he'd figured out what we were up to and getting him in bed had become a 1-2 hour long process. Nursing, holding, waiting, trying, crying, repeat ad nauseum. We finally did Ferber-style CIO, checking on him at increasing intervals, out of sheer desperation and it worked. Beautifully. And there was a lot less crying involved than I'd expected. I had - and still have - a very hard time letting him cry for long and certainly could not have let him cry for 10 minutes or longer when he was only a few weeks old.

He's 9 months old now and we've had some pretty significant ups and downs, but he now sleeps 7-10 hours a night in his crib (out of 11-12 hours of sleep). Another hour or two on his dad's chest, if dad falls asleep in the recliner, and then another hour or two in bed next to me. I never, ever thought we'd get here!

Naps, though. Different story. He sleeps in a crib at daycare without much of a problem, but still prefers me to hold him on weekends. He also sleeps very well in the car or in the stroller. I'm confident that we'll get there, one day, with naps, too. Although I never would have said that if you'd asked me when he was 12 weeks old!

[the milliner]

For us, the waking up crying after transferring to the crib was more part of developmental growth leaps than an age thing. As far as I remember, we've almost always been able to put him to sleep in his cradle or crib (not that he didn't like napping on mama or papa..especially when he was little).

Through all of the usual sleep regressions, and probably a few more wonder weeks stages we've always had periods of DS needing to fall asleep on us and being TOTALLY asleep before we transferred him to the crib. The worst of this was probably in the 9 month sleep regression period, where he would need to be rocked to sleep for 30-45 mins and then we'd need to use our ninja moves to quietly and gently lower him into the crib and sneak out of the room without a peep, or he'd wake up crying. That intensity probably lasted 2-4 weeks and then slowly got better to the point of us being able to put him down awake at about 14 or 15 months.

Now, at 19 months, he's still in the 18 month regression (which so far, even though tough at times, is easier overall than the 9 month regression...*so far*), and he still has a night or two a week where he needs to really be asleep on us in the rocking chair before I transfer him to the crib. Before I felt trapped. Now I just fall asleep with him. Too exhausted!

Fingers crossed that we go back to the putting down to sleep awake regimen once he hits 21 months (or sooner!)

I also must admit that now (usually during the less fussy times), there are times when having him on me in the rocking chair makes it hard for him to fall asleep. It's like he's saying 'Enough already! Put me in the crib! I want to go to sleep!'

[Erin]

If the baby can only fall asleep in a somewhat upright position on you, also check with your pediatrician that the baby doesn't have reflux. That could be what's making sleep uncomfortable.

I also agree with Steph that falling asleep on you, on their belly is considered a SIDS risk. It wasn't a risk I was willing to take either.

[mom2boys]

I can't remember when the holding to sleep phase ended exactly anymore either. That's rather bittersweet.

[crescentgirl]

My 3-yr-old still likes it! Though it's not allowed much ...

[Cloud]

On the question of whether or not needing to b held to sleep is "normal"... I think about it in terms of evolution. Throughout much of our evolutionary history, for a baby to be alone during sleep would have been a very bad thing. Who would make sure the baby wouldn't be some animal's midnight snack? So I always figured that the desire of babies to be close to their parents was pretty normal. But, the parents' desire to actually sleep is pretty normal, too, so I totally get the decision to try to teach the baby to sleep without a parent present. I'd just say to keep in mind that the baby's personality is going to have a big impact on when and how easily that teaching can occur, so try not to compare your baby to others. That is just a recipe for misery. Everyone figures it out eventually. Or moves out and falls asleep with a significant other.... (:

On the SIDS thing- if you're worried about it, you might be able to get your baby to sleep in a hold similar to the cradle hold for breastfeeding. Hubby and I will let Petunia sleep on her tummy on our chest if we are awake, but tend to use the cradle hold if we're going to be dozing. We semi-recline on the sofa and prop a pillow under the arm holding Petunia's head. I can get surprisingly decent rest this way.

[Tzipporah]

My son is 3 and still wants to fall asleep being held or holding a parent's arm. So, um, yeah.

For a while we could transfer him to a swing after he fell asleep and he wouldn't wake. And I mean like for 15 months.

[Tor]

My son is 2 and still can't fall asleep without physical contact with me. It has gone from full-on co-sleeping to now just needing his hand held as he falls asleep, but that has been a fairly recent development. He still tries to do the full-on sleeping on top of me thing whenever he thinks he might get away with it although it usually now only works when he is sick/injured.
He used to hate the pram/stroller and love the sling, and he never fell for the swing for sleeping, unfortunately. He just finds uncomfortable positions on people (especially me) much more relaxing than being alone in a comfortable bed or chair/swing.
It can be frustrating at times, but it does come in handy that he can sleep any place at any time so long as he is tired and I am within reach.

[mom2boys]

I guess I was thinking more along the lines of exclusively only sleeping while held - not a preference but a necessity if sleep was to happen at all. That lasted for what seemed like an eternity at the time. Easily the first three months with a good chunk of most nights still ending up that way until nine months +. No bright line of when it ended. And yeah, he still prefers to sleep on me when sick or somewhere unfamiliar or if he can talk me into it in the middle of the night. :)

[Erica]

I don't remember when Z would really sleep on his own (oh, wait, he still likes to come in bed with us and he's almost 2), but I know that when we finally listened to the hype about the Miracle blanket when he was about 8 months and bought one, he would sleep for much longer on his own. And we kicked ourselves left and right for not getting one earlier. We had other swaddlers, but the Miracle Blanket was, indeed, miraculous. I can't recommend it enough. I think the thing is, at least with our son, is that lying on his back would evoke the startle response and he just couldn't get over that. The Blanket squashes that response.

Oh, and I'm in no way connected to Miracle Blanket in any way.

[Jessica Star]

I would swaddle my son and then rock him in a sling. When he would fall asleep, I'd lay him ever so gently down in his crib by sliding myself out of the sling and putting him in the crib with the sling underneath him. I was worried at first about him getting tangled in it at night, but he woke up so often I had lots of opportunities to check on him! :) Eventually we could just rock him and set him down without the sling. But we must've swaddled that kid until he was 7 months old. Seriously. Plus, we used a white noise machine. (He's 2 and still uses it.)

I think the very delicate sleeping didn't end for us until 4 months. It was a tough time, I won't lie. But by the time he was 12 months the sleeping thing was a lot better. Between 12 and 24 months I caught up on a lot of sleep.

[Katehaney]

My five-year-old still prefers falling asleep right next to somebody (as in rightnextto). We co-sleep, and it works well for us. YMMV. :shrug:

That said, he can go to sleep on his own, especially if he's worn out. He just prefers company in bed, as he does almost every place else.

[meggiemoo]

We are in the throes of the 9-month sleep regression, so are doing the rock/nurse to sleep, gently lay in crib, baby pops back up immediately (or 10 minutes later) boogie every night. Last night it took 4 separate rocking sessions for her to fall asleep for more than 10 minutes at a time. (sigh)

OTOH, her brother, now 4 y.o., was a horrific sleeper in his own right, and just recently began sleeping through most nights without any assistance from us. I'm not sure if I'm reassured by this information, knowning my DD will someday also sleep on her own, or mortified by the thought of 3 more years of poor sleeping.

Both of my kids have intense personalities, never want to miss anything, notice everything, sleep lightly, are persistent and transition slowly. If you have kids with personality traits like my kids, chances are excellent they'll need more nighttime parenting from you than the average kid does.